White House Plumbers (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

1
[TYPEWRITER GEARS CRANKING]
Hey! Does commitment have one T or two?
Nobody?
- Ah, fuck it. Who cares?
- [LIGHTER CLICKS]
[TYPEWRITER BELL DINGS]
- [LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]
- Oh, do you like this?
Love it.
Ah. So, Gordon told me what you did
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[ALL LAUGHING]
[BAND SINGING IN SPANISH]
know what, tell them.
Come on. Tell them, tell
them about Guatemala.
Ah! [CHUCKLES] Uh, yeah.
These girls don't want
to hear about that.
- Tell us!
- Please, Edward.
Yeah, go on.
Tell a story.
You know how a lot of guys
say they're with the CIA
so they can get you into bed,
when they really just
sell aluminum siding?
Well, he really worked for the CIA.
Come on!
No, you're right.
I sell aluminum siding.
- Stop it!
- [LAUGHS] I knew it!
He's lying. He's making
me look like a liar.
E. HOWARD HUNT: Funny
story about Guatemala.
I let el presidente
and his wife escape into exile.
They insisted that this scrawny
Argentine medical
student come with them.
- [CHUCKLES]
- And do you know
- who that kid was?
- Who?
Ernesto Guevara.
- [GIGGLES]
- [LAUGHS]
Che fucking Guevara.
- Che.
- Far out.
Do you know who that is?
- A musician?
- LIDDY: No.
When the CIA assassinated Che,
they sent this guy the
son of a bitch's hands
- in a fucking box! In a box!
- Hey, who's telling this story?
- [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES] I'm sorry.
I just love that part, though.
[LAUGHS] In a box! Hello!
[BOTH LAUGH]
- Hands in a box.
- And tiny.
"Merry Christmas. Oh, it's a present?
No, it's fucking hands!" [LAUGHS]
[CHUCKLES] So, like,
what do you need us for?
Well, we've got big plans
for the Democrats! [CHUCKLES]
As you may or may not know,
the Democratic National
Convention will be held here.
- In Miami.
- Uh, yeah. We're well aware.
- It's high season.
- We would set you two up
with a few of your
friends in a swanky yacht,
with all the champagne
and cocaine your little hearts desired,
and a couple of hidden movie cameras
for our friends back in Washington.
- Like, for blackmail?
- [CLICKS TONGUE] Ooh!
So, how do we know we can trust you?
My word is my bond.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
I do not bend.
And I do not break.
Please stop.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [MUSIC FADES]
- [SIGHS]
Oh! May I see some ID?
Jim. I just walked out
of here 15 minutes ago.
- You saw me leave.
- Did I?
You know I outrank you.
Members of the Committee need
to have ID on them at all times.
Do you ask Mitchell for his ID?
No. I know John Mitchell by sight.
He's the attorney general
and head of the committee.
Well [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
You're about to get very
used to the sight of me.
- I just moved my office here.
- I'll vouch for him, Jim.
Gordon here's in charge of dirty tricks.
First thing tomorrow,
we're actually going to
pitch his million-dollar,
rat-fucking idea to Mr. Mitchell.
Oh, is that so? Good luck with that.
JEB MAGRUDER: Let's go.
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
Jeb, do not tell people
what I really do here.
- Especially that oddball.
- Ooh!
- Are these the goods, Gordo?
- Hey!
Yes, straight from
the CIA art department.
- What happened to your hand?
- I burned it. On purpose.
Hey, where is this
spook partner of yours?
LIDDY: He'll be popping
by from the White House.
Don't you worry. He will be here.
- Morning, gentlemen.
- Howard Hunt, Jeb Magruder.
Jeb, pleased to meet you.
How did you get in here?
- How do you like steel?
- Oh, do you play?
HOWARD: Well, I dabble. Yeah.
You and I might need
to get out on the court,
mix it up at my club.
Ah, Chevy Chase, right?
I heard all you CIA spooks belong there.
Lakewood, actually.
Chevy Chase is a little
stuffy for my taste. [CHUCKLES]
- See you on the court.
- [CHUCKLES]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- What is that?
- Walther Luftpistole.
Like the James Bond posters?
Mm, mm.
[SIGHS]
Silent.
Lethal.
- German.
- [GUN CLICKS]
Oh, okay! Okay.
Hey, I don't care if it can suck
my cock and cook me breakfast,
there's no guns in the office, Gordon.
Everyone's a lot safer with
this baby here in my desk.
- [DRAWER CLOSES]
- Oh, Jesus.
- [SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hi, Willie.
- Oh, let me get that, dear.
- FRAN LIDDY: Oh! [CHUCKLES]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHING]
- Wow, this is really something.
- Oh, well. It's not bad.
You should see the University Club.
Gordon, maybe we should join a club.
I'm game. Good for hobnobbing.
- [HOWARD CHUCKLES]
- Think you could get us in here?
Well, it is a two-year waitlist.
FRAN: Dear, I think that's
a very kind way of saying
- we wouldn't get in.
- Oh, I I got it.
Don't take wop-mick
mongrels from Hoboken.
So much for the Master Race, eh, Gordon?
- [CHUCKLES]
- Touché.
- Ah, aloha, Mr. Hunt.
- Ah, aloha, Louis.
Got your favorite table all ready.
- Right this way.
- Thank you.
- Wonderful.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- This is so exciting! [CHUCKLES]
- [LIDDY CHUCKLES]
[FRAN GASPS]
HOWARD: By this time tomorrow,
Gordon and I should have John Mitchell
eating out of our hands.
DOROTHY HUNT: Hmm, just like Martha.
[ALL LAUGH]
LISA HUNT: Ow!
LIDDY: Hell, yeah.
- Okay! Come on
- [LISA LAUGHS]
Did you know they were going to be here?
- No, I didn't. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- Are those your children?
- Hmm.
- Yes.
- Hey!
- Oh.
Going up. [CLEARS THROAT]
I am way too fucking high
to go over there right now.
It'll be worse if we don't.
- Good. Here they come.
- Coming over.
- Lisa's acting weird.
- How can you tell?
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]
- Hello, Daddy-o.
[CLICKS TONGUE, CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Lisa, St. John, this is
Fran and Gordon Liddy.
Hi. You must be the Smithie?
No, that's Kevan, my younger sister.
- I'm Lisa. The other one.
- Oh.
Yeah, I'm the one they don't talk about.
The college dropout.
Your father absolutely mentioned you.
You are the one that
had the car accident.
- Gordon!
- What? She did.
- [GIGGLES]
- A pretty bad blow to the head.
[BOTH LAUGH]
ST. JOHN HUNT: Sorry.
- Are you okay, sweetie?
- [CONTINUES LAUGHING]
She's fine. She just
needs some air. Right?
Uh, yeah, we should hit the road.
- [STAMMERS, CHUCKLES]
- Yes.
- Enchanté.
- Auf wiedersehen.
- She seems very bright.
- Hmm.
The boy, too.
I don't know what gave
you that impression.
- Who's hungry?
- [SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
You know, that's quite the,
uh, hippy cut on your boy.
Hmm. Reminds me of the time
that I busted Timothy Leary.
Oh, that man should be
rotting in a cold cell.
He was living in this great big mansion,
all these zonked-out hippie kids
- Mm-hmm.
- LIDDY: Urinating
- and defecating on the floor.
- Good Lord, Gordon.
Maybe we're not country
club material after all.
- [CHUCKLES]
- LIDDY: Say, what if we were to pitch
Mitchell something like that
at the Democratic convention?
You know, sort of show some
of those stoner supporters
pissing on the floor.
[CHUCKLING] You could
have them shouting.
- "Piss on Nixon, Piss on Nixon!"
- [LAUGHS]
"Piss on Nixon"! That is genius.
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
Uh, what do you think about that, Fran?
[CLICKS TONGUE] Oh, Gordon
and I never discuss his work.
That's our secret to a happy marriage.
Oh, I wondered what the secret was.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES, CLICKS TONGUE]
Well, the junkies would
certainly be arrested,
and they would tell the
police that they've been paid.
Excuse me?
It's very high-risk, low-reward.
Howard, maybe we just talk
about it tomorrow at work.
I don't know. It's risky.
Maybe too risky.
- I'm sorry, uh, Mr. Hunt?
- Hey, Don!
- This is my friend, Gordon.
- Oh, pleasure. Uh
Um, there's a bit of an
incident with your daughter.
What? All right. All right. Let's go.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
LISA: Then why don't
you apologize to him!
- Get your hands off of me!
- Calm down!
Louis, tell them what
he just said to you!
- [MUSIC FADES]
- I really didn't hear anything.
Now, Lisa, maybe you misheard
what you thought you heard.
Louis just doesn't want to be fired
for being Black and outspoken!
I don't want to be fired, period.
You had to create a scene here?
Do you have any idea how
important tomorrow is to me?
Do you know how much
you've embarrassed us?
- I am so sorry, everyone.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Lisa, honey, we love you.
I think you need some rest, okay?
So why don't you go
home, the two of you.
Come on, sis. I'm really hungry.
Oh, Tom? Uh, Lisa wants to say sorry.
Yeah, go ahead.
I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
- LISA: Racist fucking pig!
- Goddammit!
- HOWARD: Hey! Stop that!
I am so sorry, everyone.
Tom. I really
Uh, Don,
whatever the damages are,
just put them on my bill.
Right. Of course, I will.
Okay. Thank you.
Excuse me, Mr. Hunt,
speaking of finances,
uh, you're late again.
I'd ordinarily let it slide,
but this has been four months in a row.
- Oh! It's been that long?
- [SCOFFS] Four months?
It's still The White House
has been running me ragged.
And And we're very proud
that you're there working on our behalf,
but I just wanted to remind you,
in case it had slipped your mind.
No, absolutely not.
We will take care of
everything, won't we, Howard?
Yes. Absolutely, we will
take care of everything.
Thank you.
LIDDY: And that, gentlemen,
is how we will suppress the Negro vote.
Next up, in this treasure
trove of operations
we call Project Gemstone,
Project Sapphire.
What if we were able to turn Democrats
into free-flowing
sources of information?
- How would we do that?
- Blackmail.
While the Democratic convention
is in full swing in Miami,
we charter a yacht.
Downstairs in the staterooms, hookers.
HOWARD: Behind the two-way mirror,
lowlight movies and still cameras.
We are envisioning an
Oriental theme for the boat
- Sorry, question.
- LIDDY: Yes.
So, the hookers are Oriental?
Uh, negative. The hookers will pose
as unfaithful DNC
housewives and staffers,
so, ergo, Celtic-Teutonic extraction.
Uh, so, the hookers are German?
No. Celtic-Teutonic.
You know, like my wife.
- Your wife's a hooker?
- Jeb
Next up, radical agitators
have vowed to disrupt
the GOP convention in San Diego.
Project Diamond will temporarily
decapitate the leadership
of the radical left.
And transport the
leading hippies, yuppies,
and Weather Underground
maniacs to Mexico
for the duration of the convention.
- [PEN CLICKS]
- Said leaders are returned,
unharmed but disoriented,
after the convention.
Or not, you know. A fist full of pesos
digs a pretty deep ditch in Mexico.
[LIDDY AND HOWARD CHUCKLE]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
So, you're going to kill people?
HOWARD: [CHUCKLES] That was a joke.
- Yeah, but we can.
- Temporary relocation. Unharmed.
We can absolutely have
them killed, that's not
Fine. We won't have them killed,
because Project Ruby
is already underway,
as we have recruited
covert operatives to plant inside
both the Democratic candidate's
campaign and the DNC.
That about wraps it up.
Oh, no. Project Garnet,
is a classic false flag op.
We round up Miami's seediest
undesirables and outfit them
with all the Democrat paraphernalia
their filthy little hands can carry.
Which brings us to Project Emerald.
Our high-speed chase plane
electronically eavesdrops
on the enemy candidate's
planes and campaign buses.
Project Crystal, microwave interception
of telephonic conversations.
Project Topaz.
And last, but not least, Project Opal.
Bugging the DNC and the candidate.
We'll be able to intercept
confidential information,
and anticipate strategy,
whether it's Muskie,
or if Teddy manages to
steal the nomination.
But no matter who they run,
Project Gemstone will give
us the strategic edge we need
to secure the president's victory.
Four more years of peace,
prosperity, and strength,
all for the low, low price
of one million dollars.
[MUSIC CONCLUDES]
A million dollars is a
hell of a lot more money
- than I had in mind.
- A lot more.
What about a half million dollars?
Gordon. Burn all that.
Don't give it to some lackey
to throw into a dumpster.
I want you to burn it
in your own fireplace
with your own two hands.
Yep.
- [SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[CLICKS TONGUE] Want to grab a beer?
Yeah, sorry. I gotta go home.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[EXHALES]
You still have your writing.
They can't take that from you.
I feel like I was given one last chance
and it got yanked away.
Mitchell was furious.
Gordon just kept going
and going. It's over, Dot.
I'm going to be stuck at
Mullen for the rest of my life.
On the bright side, we're
done with Herr Liddy.
Welcome home, Papa.
We're jamming at
Sully's. You want to come?
Doesn't that sound like fun, Papa?
That is absolutely
the last thing my
splitting headache needs.
- Good luck, kiddo.
- Sure, whatever. It's fine.
You'll get another chance, honey.
I would love to see your
band. Are you taking requests?
- Mom.
- Yeah?
We're not playing MacArthur Park.
DOROTHY: Come on!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Mr. Hunt! Mr. Liddy wants you
to read Jack Anderson's column
and call him immediately.
HOWARD: Mr. Liddy can go fuck himself.
NEWS ANCHOR: Good evening.
Charges made by newspaper
columnist Jack Anderson
have raised grave questions
about the integrity
of the Nixon administration.
Anderson wrote today
that he has evidence
that the International
Telephone and Telegraph company
made a secret deal
with the administration
to obtain a favorable settlement
of a giant antitrust suit.
Anderson said that a memo
he obtained from ITT files
showed that the settlement
was a payoff for a pledge
by ITT to contribute
up to 400,000 dollars
for the upcoming Republican
National Convention
in San Diego.
Anderson quotes ITT's
top lobbyist, Dita Beard,
saying she discussed
arrangements for settling
the case with Attorney
General John Mitchell
at a party last May.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
- Liddy here.
- It's Howard. Got your message.
LIDDY: Howard, thank you
for, uh, calling me back.
Of course. I just read the paper.
- You saw it?
- HOWARD: Hmm.
"We now have evidence
that the settlement
of the Nixon Administration's
biggest antitrust case
was privately arranged between
Attorney General John Mitchell
and the top lobbyist for
the company involved."
LIDDY: "For 400,000
dollars in hotel rooms,
and we have this on the
word of the lobbyist herself,
crusty, capable Dita Beard,
the International Telephone
and Telegraph Company.
She acknowledged the secret
deal after we obtained
a highly incriminating memo,
written by her, from ITT's files."
They're going to crucify Mitchell.
LIDDY: And the president, unless
we can figure out how to stop it.
[SIGHS] Shit.
We've got a second chance, Howard.
I will call you later.
[MUSIC FADES]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- MAGRUDER: Hey, Gordo.
- You see the papers? Dita Beard?
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Jack Anderson has her memo
that says Mitchell got Justice
to drop an antitrust lawsuit
in exchange for 400,000 dollars' worth
of San Diego hotel rooms for
the Republican convention?
Yeah.
He is accusing our
boss of felony bribery.
If they connect this to the president
Calm down, okay.
The White House said
that the memo's a fake.
It's just the usual
anti-Nixon hatchet job
by the liberal press. This
will blow over, trust me.
The Senate Judiciary Committee
plans to hold a hearing tomorrow
on charges that the Nixon Administration
made a secret deal with
the International Telephone
and Telegraph Company.
REPORTER: Attorney General John
Mitchell has been summoned to testify
and answer accusations of bribery
raised by the so-called
- Dita Beard memo.
- [MUSIC CONCLUDES]
Well, Mitchell's officially fucked.
But we still need to have
a goddamned convention.
Yeah, well, I'm not going
to hang him out to dry.
Jim, we are moving the
convention to Miami,
ergo, we're not paying
a San Diego security firm jack shit.
All right, I'm gonna call him right now.
Okay, I'll have the president
send him a bunch
of fucking buttons or something.
Oh, may I see some ID?
[JAMES W. MCCORD. GIGGLES]
- In which she emphatically denied
- Jeb.
Howard and I would like to talk
to the attorney general
and offer our support.
MAGRUDER: Are you two
out of your fucking minds?
Do you think John Mitchell
gives a rat's ass
about your bullshit pranks right now?
Mitchell doesn't want to
hear from you two bozos.
The almighty United States
Senate is investigating
this ITT memo bullshit. Okay?
We had to move the entire
convention out of San Diego
so there would be no
reminder of Sheraton Hotels.
And the worst part,
is that we had 400 grand
in free hotel rooms.
And you know who's
paying for it now? I am!
I knew this Dita Beard
stuff was gonna come back
and bite us in the ass.
- This is the whole reelection!
- What can I do to help?
You want to help? Go kill Jack Anderson.
- [EXHALES] Roger that.
- I mean
And for him to suggest
that he didn't know
about the arrangements
for the convention that
he's going to direct,
uh That strains the truth.
- And, uh
- I just talked to my guy.
If we don't pay, he's going to sue.
Uh, where is Gordon?
- He left.
- Where'd he go?
He said he was off
to kill Jack Anderson.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- Oh, shit. Here.
Move! Goddammit, move! Move!
Gordon! Gordon! Hey! Hey!
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [PANTS] McCord told me
Are you going to shoot Jack Anderson?
When I get an order, I execute it, Jeb.
I was joking, you crazy bastard!
[SIGHS] Come on, I want
to talk to you upstairs.
[GROANS]
I am no joke.
- I am serious. Deadly serious.
- [GROANS]
[GROANS]
You touch me again, and I will kill you.
[GROANS]
- [MUSIC FADES]
- [KETTLE WHISTLING]
Yes, if you could have,
uh, Dr. Downey call back
as soon as possible.
Well, it's about my daughter, Lisa.
DOROTHY: Howard.
Yeah. [EXHALES] Okay. Thank you.
- I left word with the doctor.
- [EXHALES]
- She's going to be okay.
- She she's locked herself
- in the bathroom.
- [GROANS SOFTLY]
She won't come out.
It's It's getting worse.
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [CUP CLATTERS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Lisa. Open up. Your
mother's getting worried.
Maybe she fell asleep?
- In the tub?
- I hear something.
- Lisa? Sweetie?
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Lisa, open this door right now!
- Don't yell.
- I'm not yelling!
- Yelling doesn't help anything.
- Is Lisa gonna be okay?
- Go back in your room!
Don't yell at him! Lisa,
open this door right now,
- or I'm gonna break it down!
- DOROTHY: Howard. Howard!
- [TELEPHONE RINGING]
- [PANTS] Go answer that.
- It might be the doctor.
- [BREATHES HEAVILY]
- [TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- What a nightmare.
- DOROTHY: Lisa, please. Lisa.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Hunt residence.
- Howard Hunt, please?
- Speaking.
I have Charles Colson
calling from the White House.
- Put him through.
- COLSON'S SECRETARY: Hold, please.
- CHUCK COLSON: Howard!
- Mm. [GULPS]
Chuck! How the hell are you?
- COLSON: Doing good, and you?
- Oh, fine and dandy.
[STAMMERS] Just a typical
Saturday with the family.
Howard, there's been a development
with the Dita Beard situation.
Sweetie? Lisa.
Sis? Come on. Open up. Please?
DOROTHY: [EXHALES]
What did the doctor say?
That was Colson. I'm
needed at the White House.
DOROTHY: No. You're needed here.
Your family needs you.
Your daughter needs you. I need you!
[GRUNTS SOFTLY] I don't
know what to do with this.
She won't come out.
Everything I do is wrong.
What do you want from me?
How about for once you
make us feel like we matter
more than your stupid job
or the stupid White House?
That you give a damn about your family?
Lisa. Lisa, please, honey. Come on.
Sweetie? [EXHALES]
[GRUNTS]
- What the fuck!
- DOROTHY: Lisa?
She's fine. I care. I'm going to work.
- Honey.
- Hi, Mama.
- My God.
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Sorry.
Gentlemen. The White House's
experts say the Dita Beard memo
is a problem.
But if we can keep
Beard from testifying,
the case against Mitchell will collapse.
Uh, I'm sorry. Sorry. So
what do you need us for?
Because the Senate
deposes Beard tomorrow
and if she testifies
that she did write it,
her testimony will be on
the record, then the
that's enough for the
Senate to keep digging.
And why would she do that?
- Jesus Christ.
- That's why Colson wants us
to get her out of town and shut her up.
That would certainly be fortunate.
Gentlemen. Who knows? You
may even impress Mr. Mitchell.
[GRUNTS]
You know what we could do which
would solve this problem
Please, Gordon, do not say, "Kill her."
A dead dog chases no cars.
[SIGHS] The murder of
the Senate's lead witness
would not lessen
Mitchell's legal scrutiny.
Fine. But solving this would put us
in Mitchell's good graces.
Yeah. That is going
to take some finesse.
[MUSIC CONCLUDES]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Who the fuck are you?
Mrs. Beard, my name
is George F. Leonard,
and I am an attorney.
Bullshit! You look like one
of those Manson family freaks.
I apologize for the late
hour and the disguise,
but I suspect you are
under FBI surveillance.
What do you want?
I'm here to offer you
some free legal advice.
Hmm. How many kids do you have?
- DITA BEARD: Five.
- Oh?
All grown or in military school.
Outstanding. I have five myself.
[CLICKS TONGUE] So, George,
you said you had friends
at the White House?
[CLICKS TONGUE] Affirmative. [SIGHS]
Well, some fair-haired fucker
over there is spreading rumors
that Jack Anderson
and I are homosexuals,
that we're in cahoots on
some sort of lesbo-homo plot
- against Nixon. [SCOFFS]
- [LIDDY SCOFFS]
I can assure you, I
know nothing about that.
Neither homo nor lesbo.
Do I look like a lesbian?
No, ma'am. You seem straight as I am.
They're making me a
pariah! My own party!
I am in some goddamn pickle!
You're not wrong. You could go to jail.
Thanks for the pick-me-up,
fella. Shit on a shingle.
But here's the good news,
you can avoid being deposed,
with no legal repercussions.
Just abracadabra,
- it all goes away.
- But I did write the memo.
And I told Anderson I wrote the memo.
They're grilling me first
thing in the morning.
Do you have any, um, medical conditions?
I'm a very physical woman, George.
Hiking, camping,
snowmobiling fucking.
I meant, like cancer in the family?
- I wish.
- Psychiatric problems?
- Oh, hell no.
- Fainting spells?
George, I am as healthy as a horse,
except for the occasional angina.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
What is angina?
LIDDY: Coming through!
Rocky Mountain is the
finest osteopathic hospital
in the greater Denver Metropolitan Area.
Osteopath? You may as well
take her to a veterinarian.
And you're on oxygen! Why are you
Edwina, you are raising
my blood pressure!
[GRUNTS]
LIDDY: Hold the door! Hold the door!
Dita Beard experienced chest pains
while flying into Denver
and had to receive
oxygen on the flight.
Mrs. Beard was admitted
to an area hospital
in a serious condition.
As for Dita Beard getting out of bed
to come back to Washington, not now,
and not for some time
yet, doctor's orders.
We've got a problem, Howard.
- A Dita Beard problem.
- [MUSIC FADES]
A team of senators
is heading to Colorado
to depose her in two days,
including your good
friend, Teddy Kennedy.
That fat-headed booze bag.
They should depose him
about Chappaquiddick.
If there were any justice in the world.
You know, it wouldn't be
the worst thing for Beard
to actually have a heart attack,
right as Kennedy's grilling her.
DEAN: Then you could say,
"Senator, now, you've killed two women!"
[BOTH LAUGH]
DEAN: Howard, this Beard
thing keeps escalating.
I know. What if Beard
herself were to question
the memo's authenticity?
Hypothetically, how much in the way
of funds could someone
access for the purposes
- of such an endeavor?
- No. No, no, no.
There is no way I or anyone at
the committee would authorize
funds to influence the testimony
of a witness in a federal case.
What about ITT?
She's still on the payroll.
Say no more. I know what to do.
I feel the need to
say this again, Howard.
For the record,
I am not even suggesting
that you do anything.
Roger that.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT]
[MUSIC FADES]
Aw, I don't want to read this shit.
I want something with small words
and big pictures. Cosmo.
- Okay.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
It better be the red
fucking Jell-O this time!
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]
- Mrs. Beard. Edwina.
- Who are you?
My name is Edward J.
Hamilton, I represent men
at the highest levels in Washington D.C.
Yeah, Mr. Leonard
said you might come by.
- Edwina, run along, huh?
- Okay.
Why are you wearing a wig?
It's not even on right.
[CLICKS TONGUE] I assure you, Miss,
nothing I do is accidental.
Well, that's her drinking water.
- Oh, I know.
- BEARD: Edwina! Scoot!
[EXHALES] I'll be right outside, Mother.
- Hmm.
- How are the osteopaths treating you?
I've been in a pig farm that's cleaner.
I wouldn't trust them
to clip my toenails,
let alone [STAMMERS]
Treat a heart condition.
- Hmm.
- You got a smoke?
- Yeah. I guess the, uh
- [LIGHTER CLICKS]
The party's over, huh?
Sounds like the whole goddamn
Senate is coming to visit.
I'm sorry.
Hold on.
There's nothing those Senators want more
than for you to declare
that memo a fraud
so that they can go back
to business as usual.
- Bullshit.
- Listen.
I have worked in
countries across the globe,
I've met presidents, kings, dictators,
and they all desperately need one thing
to keep them in power. Money.
How many of those Senate fat cats
have been greased by lobbyists?
All of them. Believe me.
I know. I do the greasing.
HOWARD: So these are your choices.
You can tell the Senators tomorrow
what you told Britt
Hume and Jack Anderson.
And you know who
benefits? Not your party.
Not your president. Not the Senate.
Not your country. Not your family.
And certainly not you.
Because you still go
to jail for bribery.
And for what?
To make the journalists
and Democrats happy?
- Donkey fuckers.
- [LAUGHS]
Donkey fuckers, indeed.
On the other hand, if you stick
with the White House's story
and you stay loyal to your party.
There's a very good chance
that you walk away scot-free,
and sparing your family the embarrassing
public spectacle of
a lengthy investigation.
Yeah, Edwina Edwina
is just wrecked by this.
And she works for the fucking RNC.
Poor kid.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
I can see how much you love her.
Fuck yes. She's my baby girl.
She needs you right now.
She needs to know
that she's the most
important thing in your world.
More important than
ITT or anything else.
Because she's your family,
and family always comes first.
- Oh, yeah.
- Before work.
Before country.
Before everything.
And I'm willing to bet
that your ITT family
rewards loyalty
especially around Christmas.
In the meantime
here's a stocking stuffer.
[MUSIC CONCLUDES]
- [HEART MONITOR BEEPING]
- [INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT]
[CLASSIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
Edwina!
[SIRENS WAILING]
PHILIP A. HART: Please state your name.
BEARD: Dita Beard. A lobbyist for ITT.
- HART: We are on the record.
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Mrs. Beard, do you
recognize this document?
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
- I do not.
Mrs. Beard, is this not your signed memo
regarding ITT's bribery of
the Nixon Administration?
That is certainly what it
says. But I didn't write it.
No, that is a goddamn forgery.
That is not even my signature.
Mrs. Beard, may I remind
you, you are under oath?
I was not even in the
offi Oh, God Oh, honey!
- Mrs. Beard
- BEARD: Edwina!
- I'm here, Mama!
- [GROANS]
Mrs. Beard, is this your
- I can't breathe! [GROANS]
- Stop it, stop it!
- That's enough! Everyone out!
- [GROANS]
- Oh, help. Help me!
- Get out!
- Someone get the doctor!
- Oh, my God! I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
- EDWINA: Doctor! Doctor!
- [DITA CONTINUES GROANING]
- EDWINA: Doctor!
- BEARD: I can't breathe.
Go away! Go away!
- LISA: Once.
- ST. JOHN: Shit!
- Very nice, Lisa.
- Thank you.
Testifying from
her Denver hospital bedside
in front of the Senate
subcommittee members
Very nice. Lisa, honey,
did you remember to
Yes, Mother. I took my pill.
Thank you.
Coming in for the kill. B-E-D. Bed.
DUKE: Anderson and his
associate, Brit Hume,
believe somebody persuaded
Mrs. Beard to change her story
in Denver
Bonsoir, bonsoir.
- Hi, Papa. Where were you?
- Denver.
Do you wanna play with us?
Yeah, Papa?
Sure.
Make room for Papa.
[GROANS]
- Mama. Your turn.
- DOROTHY: Hmm?
Uh, D-O-N-E. Done.
Us are useless without Qs.
Actually, it's the other way around.
- Touché.
- LISA: Ooh.
- Xerox.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] That's a proper noun.
- What is?
- Xerox.
No, it's become just a regular word.
I mean, nobody says, "Hey,
can you photocopy this?"
- It it's still a proper noun.
- LISA: Mama.
[INHALES] We're just playing for fun.
We're not keeping s score.
What's the point of playing
a game with no rules. Right?
- Then it's just anarchy.
- Actually, Papa,
- this is anarchy!
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Fuck your college education.
DOROTHY: Howard.
- That was unacceptable.
- I agree.
- Bravo! Bravo, gentlemen!
- HOWARD: Thanks.
Bravo! Have a seat right there!
We, uh [CLEARS THROAT]
We thought you might like to know,
our sources tell us that the Senate
has denied Ted Kennedy's request
for further hearings, thanks to you.
- [EXHALES]
- Oh, no. Thanks to him.
I'm still not quite sure how
he pulled it off, though.
- It It was a team effort.
- [CHUCKLES]
I assume you guys heard the news
about Mr. Hoover this morning?
We sent our condolences
to the Widow Tolson.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
The Good Lord finally did
what the last five
presidents never could.
[BOTH LAUGH]
MAGRUDER: Oh!
Congratulations, gentlemen.
Great work on helping Ms. Beard
- get her facts straight.
- Our pleasure, sir.
Oh, by the way, Project Gemstone
has been approved.
- [DOOR CLOSING]
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
I want you two to put
together your team ASAP.
Uh, that's that's my cue.
- Uh, nice work. Nice work.
- Oh, yeah.
- Thank you.
- MAGRUDER: All right,
I want you two to huddle with McCord
and tell me what you're
going to need, all right?
McCord? What are we doing with McCord?
He's head of security for the committee
and Mitchell thought he could be useful.
What? Mitchell fired him!
He was Martha's babysitter!
I know. He's also a
whiz with gizmos, bugs,
and electronic surveillance,
ex-CIA and ex-FBI,
so he's the perfect
playmate for you two.
And we can afford him, because
he's already on the payroll.
Don't you get it?
We need operatives who
are off the payroll.
Plausible deniability.
- It It's fine.
- No.
We'll have McCord wire the yacht.
Oh, about that. Uh, there is no yacht.
- What?
- And no hookers, sadly.
Those hookers were
looking forward to it.
I know, but only one
Gemstone was approved
and your new operating
budget is 250 thou,
which should be more than ample.
Goddammit, Jeb, that's a quarter
of what we were promised!
- Easy.
- HOWARD: Hold on.
Which gemstone was approved?
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
Project fucking Opal.
12 gemstones,
they pick the bugging of
the DNC. Where's the vision?
It is the cheapest.
And you're still gonna
need to pay me, Gordon.
Not now, Jim.
That's a really big
fucking building, boss.
I heard the hotel is nice.
Don't worry. Villo can pick
any lock in there. Right, Villo?
Qué? Qué?
What the fuck are we doing
staring at this building?
Some of us are six
hours overdue for pussy.
- Adiós.
- Oh, Frank.
Gentlemen. Frank! Forget Frank.
Gentlemen, we are going to do
great things for this country.
Can I ask a question? I'll say.
Which one is the Watergate?
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
- HOWARD: It's right there. That's it.
- The condominium.
[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
I know, but it's
my first time here, boss!