Whitney s01e02 Episode Script

What are you doing? You always use up all the hot water.
I'll be quick.
Okay, I don't want to use the soap after you've put it all over your business.
There's no such thing as dirty soap.
Okay, now I'm freezing.
Okay, come here.
Okay, okay, I'm drowning! You're water boarding me.
Okay, well, switch places with me come over here.
- Oh, my God! Ooh! - Oh! - Here, just turn around with - Okay, I'm-- here.
Hey, get those out of my face! They're spring-fresh.
You have to admit that.
Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.
You heard me.
And then they showed up late to the restaurant, - which was so rude.
- Uh-huh.
- So I shot them in the face.
- Uh-huh.
And then I had sex - with their dead bodies.
- Uh-huh.
Then I gave birth to a full-grown panda.
- Uh-huh.
- Lily! What? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm trying to find this bartender, Sklaves, who pops up in different bars every night.
He makes these exotic drinks.
It's like he's not just a bartender He's an artist.
So he's got two jobs his parents aren't proud of.
Yeah.
There's a rumor he's gonna be at bar bar tonight, so I'm just checking Twitter.
Ooh, my friend Gary just had coffee cake.
Hey! - Hello.
- Hi.
I can't stay.
I have a date with that architect.
Oh.
Hi, can I have a chardonnay to go? And can you put it in a sprite can? 'Cause I'm cutting through the park.
I love first dates.
There's so much sexy tension.
No, no, no.
They're too much work.
I don't want the first date.
I actually want year two.
You know? I want to be able to sleep with my retainer, and fart.
Every relationship has to start with the first date.
Alex and I didn't have a first date.
Of course you did.
Uh-uh.
No.
We met at a bar, we got drunk, and we slept together.
Wow, I'm a whore.
The first date's the best part, you know.
Like, dressing up, learning about each other.
Not knowing when he's gonna kiss you.
Aah! I thought you were gonna meet me outside.
I'm not gonna let you walk to the car alone.
Plus, there was a very large man outside with a neck tattoo who asked me if I liked Bonnie Raitt.
Damn, Neal, why are you so dressed up? I'm taking lily out to dinner.
Huh.
Alex and I went to dinner last night, and he wore his dressy crocs.
Yeah, well, lily and I haven't totally given up.
Aww.
You will.
Ahh.
Hi.
- Hey.
- Mwah.
[Television off.]
Why are you turning it off? Just 'cause you'll ruin it.
- You know, I was thinking - Yeah? Do you remember our first date? Yeah.
It was love at first sight.
I was so drunk I could hardly walk.
Yeah, but you looked so hot falling out of that cab.
That's my point, okay? Do you realize we never had a first date? We never got to dress up and flirt and have that sexy tension.
We never had that sexy tension because we had actual sex.
You know that's way better, right? Okay I want you to take me on a date.
Okay, let's go on a date.
A first date.
And you have to ask me properly.
UhOkay.
Uh, would you like to go on a date this evening? Ooh [Inhaling dramatically.]
Tonight's not good.
I have plans.
Whit, I can see your phone.
- You're playing Angry Birds.
- Okay.
Okay, what about tomorrow night? Oh I guess I can make tomorrow night work.
But you have to treat it like a real date, and you have to look nice, and you have to pick me up.
Okay, then you have to treat it like a real date, and you have to hide the fact that you're insane.
- Hi.
Hey.
Uh, I gotta grab something real quick.
But this isn't your apartment.
This is our first date, so not sure what of yours would be in here.
Right.
Well, I forgot my wallet at home, so can I borrow your roommate's wallet with my credit cards and I.
D.
In it? Wait, you're wearing jeans? I thought we were dressing up.
These are my gojeans.
You paido have them hemmed, remember? Hey No.
Put my jacket on for me.
OhOkay.
I don't know.
There you go.
- Bend your arm.
- Oh.
It's like trying to put a coat on a Christmas tree.
- Come on, get in there.
- Okay.
God, I'm sorry.
Okay.
This is fun.
Yeah, this is fun.
The last guy I dated never liked going to new places.
Sounds like a guy with a really big penis.
What can I get you two this evening? Ahem.
No! What? No! - Order for me.
- Oh, okay.
Do you have chicken in an anti-psychotic sauce? Time out.
That's not funny.
And I had chicken for lunch.
TimeTime out.
You're impossible.
Okay, okay.
Okay, so yes, she'll have the chicken, and I'll have the enchiladas.
Okay.
[Nervous chuckle.]
So, uh, where are you from? Wait, are we still in time out? Oh, no, no.
Sorry.
Uh, time in.
Where are you from? Montana.
- What? No, you're not.
- Okay, wait.
Do you want me to be someone else or not? I don'tAnd, uh, if I can be someone else, am I allowed to be Jason Statham? No! Be yourself, just pretend we don't know each other yet 'cause it's a first date.
You know? Like, tell me a story that I've never heard before.
Oh, and only I can call time outs.
Time in.
Okay, a story you've never heard before.
Okay, uh, this one time, my parents went away for Christmas vacation, and I had to hold down the fort and beat these two crooks that tried to break in the house.
Oh--is it--are you just saying home alone? I love that movie.
I loveI love that movie.
Why would you--what? Don't you want to ask about me? I'm good.
I googled you.
Ugh, I'm so full.
I begged that guy to stop bringing us chips.
Time out.
Would you really do that on a first date? I don't know.
And how many time outs do you get? Fine.
[Silly voice.]
I had a lovely date with you this evening, madam! You're mocking me.
Okay, you haven't taken tonight seriously at all.
Only because this is ridiculous.
Well, if I'm so ridiculous, then good night.
[Door latch locks.]
- Whit, I'm still out here.
- I know.
You think maybe I could come in? I don't sleep with guys on the first date.
Not that kind of girl.
Yeah, you are.
[Knock on door.]
What's up, buttercup? Hey, can I hang in here for a bit? Whit won't let me in the apartment.
- You broke up? - No, we're seeing other people.
But the other people are us.
Listen, it is okay, man.
Everyone breaks up eventually.
We are not meant to be with one person for that long.
Three years, I mean You want to have pizza every night for three years? Yeah, actually.
Okay, bad example.
The same vagina? So this feels like a good time to ask you to put a shirt on.
All right.
So what happened? Whit asked me to take her out on a first date, and I kind of acted like a jerk about it.
And now I actually kind of feel bad.
Playing games.
I like it.
Saucy little minx.
So she wants you to play "first date"? Play first date! So what am I supposed to do? I don't know the rules.
You don't need rules.
You've got the cheat codes right here.
The first move is no move.
That's not anything, mark.
So what would you do if thwere a first date? I don't know.
I mean, I suppose I would wait a day to call her.
I mean, I don't want to seem pathetic.
That's the no-move move.
If you call her now, she might get pissed that you're not playing along.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
All right.
You know what, then I'm gonna treat this like a real date, and I'm not gonna call her till tomorrow.
If you ca at all.
And he did, like, a bow.
I mean, he didn't take it seriously at all.
And he made fun of me, so I shut the door in his face, and he slept God knows where.
Downstairs at mark's.
Well, obviously.
But I like to think he suffered somewhere out in the rain.
But it hasn't Okay, it was an emotional rain.
All right, so are you still playing the game or not? I'm not 100% sure.
- But I'm not giving in.
- So what's the plan? The plan is he's gonna call and apologize.
And, you know, we're gonna go out again, and this time he's gonna do it right, and the sexual tension is gonna build until we burst through that door just tearing at each other's clothes.
We're not even gonna make it to the bedroom.
We're just gonna, like, destroy the couch, and the couch is gonna be, like, "back off, that's what beds are for.
" And I'm gonna be, like, "suck it, couch.
"I got you at Ikea.
Stop pretending you're all Ethan Allen!" Okay.
When's he gonna call to get this whole thing rolling? Oh, pbbbt! AnyMinute.
Whit, has this window seat ever beenBad? Oh, Valentine's day.
It learned its lesson.
- Okay, plan "b," why don't I call him? Both: No! We can run for president, but we still can't call a guy after the first date.
Amazing.
Hey, maybe his phone died.
Maybe he dropped his phone.
In a quarry.
Maybe he likes you too much.
He's afraid to get too close.
You know what, none of these are true.
These are lies we tell ourselves to rationalize why guys aren't calling us.
But you know what, I can play games too.
I once dated identical twins while pretending to be identical twins.
Yes, yes.
Games.
I'm liking it.
You should update your Facebook status to make him jealous.
"Whitney is on Jason's yacht, topless.
" Okay, in the unlikely event that that doesn't work I don't know, just-- just think! What did you used to do after a first date, back when you were single? Oh, I would dress up slutty and try to run into him somewhere.
- Okay, let's make that happen.
- Okay.
Oh, he always goes to get coffee at, like, 4:00, so he'll probably be in our lobby.
So you're gonna stalk a man you already live with? - Of course.
- Absolutely.
Just making sure.
Whoa Don't fall out of your dress.
You've been on one date with this girl.
Play the game! Got it.
Hey.
Hey.
What's up? Nothing.
You know, just, uh Been super busy.
Oh, yeah.
Me too.
Things have been uber cray-cray.
Yeah, well, uh, I should probably, uh I should probably bounce.
Oh, yeah.
Me too.
I got all this mail, and pottery barn is blowin' me up.
Mm.
Is that your shoe? Oh, no.
I don't know what that is.
Late! Hey, man.
I played it cool.
I committed 100% to the first date thing.
I barely even talked to her.
Good.
That's the attitude you gotta have now that you're single.
Women are trickier now.
You know, a lot of them have confidence because they make their own money.
So you gotta be super-mean to 'em.
What happened? I feel like it went pretty well.
You acted like a complete moron? Yes, I did.
How'd you know that? It's like a rule that after a date you have to completely embarrass yourself.
After my first date with Neal, I threw up in his aquarium.
Neal has an aquarium? Not anymore.
Listen, you forgot that on a first date, you have all the power.
But after that, the guy has it.
I might have said "uber cray-cray.
" - Eww.
- Oh, that hurts my feelings.
So I heard you had to go on a first date.
Yeah.
And I nailed it.
Living with mark is nailing it? Yeah.
So what's your next play? All right, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna text her to let her know I'm thinking about her.
But I'm gonna play it cool.
All right? [Muttering.]
Wrote "yo.
" - No.
- Nailed it! Ha! It's Alex.
He wrote "yo.
" Why did he write "yo"? Mm, he probably meant to send a text to 1992.
[Cell phone vibrates.]
I don't know, but Sklaves is gonna be bartending at black market tonight.
We have to go.
You know what, fine.
I am not gonna wait around here for my boyfriend to call me, 'cause I have a little something called dignity.
Okay, Whit, as long as you're on that dignity train, you might want to change.
You look like hello kitty's slutty sister.
- Ahh - Ooh, what is this? These are the amazing maple Martinis.
Cheers.
- Oh! - No.
This is the greatest drink I've ever had.
There's no way this place has better burgers than greasy Rick's.
But this place has in their meat.
Oh, my God, you guys! He's here.
- Who? - Alex.
Can you believe it? No way.
Crazy.
Oh, my God! He just looked over here.
I'm gonna go say hi.
No, that's desperate.
Let's go dance.
- Alex will love it.
- Come on.
Nope.
You guys go ahead.
I'm an adult.
[Dance music.]
Okay, dance sexy.
No, no, I said dance sexy.
He's looking over here.
Oh, my God! He totally is.
- We should make out.
- What? Yeah, girls do that now.
Guys are super into it.
I know.
I watch VH1.
Okay.
Okay, on three.
- Okay.
- Ready? Okay.
One, two, three.
- Okay, no, I'm gonna go right.
- Okay, I'll go - to my right.
- Right.
Ready? One, two, three.
[Laughs.]
Stop! - Focus! Focus! - I'm sorry.
Okay.
Blah! Okay.
One, two--ooh! Mobile upload! Lil, what the hell was that? - What? - I went to Vassar.
- Where'd he go? - I'll go look for him.
Oh, my God! [Nervous chuckle.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Nothing! Hi.
Can I sit here, or are you waiting for your girlfriend? That's not serious.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Can I get you two anything? Yeah, I'll have a Jack and coke, and then she'll have a vodka soda with a splash of lime.
Okay.
Be right back.
Thanks.
You look great.
Really? It's just a shirt.
Well, it's working.
Oh, sorry.
It's, like, freezing in here.
Oh, here, take my jacket.
Oh.
Thanks.
You did a good thing tonight.
They never would have worked this out on their own.
Why is everyone else so bad at love? I don't know.
And, hon, it's okay to admit it.
These drinks are awful.
They are.
I just feel like I've put so much time into this.
Hello, Roxanne.
Mark.
You want to see a video of two girls making out? Yeah, all right.
So the guy's scolding his parrot.
He's, like, "not your nammy name.
" It's like, dude, what's it matter? You're gonna get your coffee anyway.
What are you--what? Uh, you have an eyelash.
Can I kiss you? Sure.
Yeah.
I mean, if you want.
You know, I know that we barely know each other, and this might sound kinda Cray-cray But do you want to come back to my apartment and, uh Meet my dog? You have a dog? Sure.
Ah, sorry, couch.
I warned you.
This is the best second date I've ever been on.
Wait, wait, wait.
Just so you know, I'm a virgin.
Whit, I love you, but that's just crazy talk.