Why Are You Like This (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

[Gavin] OK, let me introduce you
to the Seven Sails to Sales.
Now the first sail,
that's all about confidence.
When we're approaching Mr. Customer,
it's important that he feels
like he's in safe hands.
How do we make Mr. Customer feel
like he's in safe hands?
Well, that's actually very easy
[Penny] OK, Gavin, let's stop saying
'Mr. Customer' yeah?
How will women become inspired to be CEOs
of midsized building services companies
if our language doesn't allow for it?
As a diverse organisation,
we need to use more inclusive language.
Right, Daniel?
What?
Well, like, what if Gavin had said:
"And then the white customer"
- Who said that?
- No, no one said that.
- But what I'm saying
- I definitely didn't say that.
I didn't say white,
and I didn't even say Asian.
Don't interrupt me, Gavin.
Remember the chart?
I just feel like I've done nothing wrong,
and you're coming at me.
No, it's not about being wrong,
it's about empathy and inclusion.
Wait.
Wait, wait.
Penny, please continue.
Be better.
It's a good point.
I think we could all be better.
[Gavin] Um,
right, so how do we do this, then?
Yeah, great.
Um, when approaching Mrs. Customer
[Penny] And you've decided
this woman is married. Why?
Right. Ah, when approaching
The customer.
When approaching the customer,
whether it's a man or a woman,
because it's one or the other
and I think we can all agree on that.
How
Oh my god! Penny!
What are you doing up so early?
I have to be in the suburbs by nine.
I have a client meeting.
- Gay.
- Austin.
What? I am the arbiter of what's gay
in this household, Penny.
And shouldn't you be leaving, like, now
if you want to make it to woop-woop
by nine?
[scoffs] What's this?
Two bowls of cereal. I'm hungry.
Are you OK?
No, but trust me, the cereal is unrelated.
Hello!
I hope you're excited.
I am! Of course!
What are we doing again? I forget.
We're going to breakfast, remember?
- What?
- Oh, right, yes.
We are going to
'In A Waffle or In A Bao'.
It's like this sandwich place,
but you can get your sandwich
in a waffle or in a bao.
They're doing a new breakfast waffle.
But here's the thing.
You can also get it in a bao!
The options are limitless.
I can't believe you guys
made plans without me.
We're getting Austin out of the house.
And besides, it's too spicy for you.
They use garlic.
[retches]
Well, I have to go, anyway, so
And by the way, garlic can actually be
really spicy, depending on your palate.
[Mia] She grew up wrong.
Are you gonna get ready, or
[coughing]
What was that?
[coughs] That was me.
[coughing]
[man] Oh dearie me. My Lord.
[coughs]
Do you have a boy in this house?
Yes, yes, I have a boy in this house,
but he is a secret, OK?
- He is a secret boy.
- A secret boy
Shh! Please, please promise
you won't tell Penny.
- Why?
- Promise!
Fine, I promise. But why?
She wouldn't care.
No, she might about this one.
Even I'm like a little bit ashamed.
He's ah
he's old hat, so um
Penny would not agree
with any of his politics.
So why is he here?
Because he's very nice,
and he's very rich,
and he buys me very nice things, Mia.
Besides, he's done a lot for gay rights.
You know, he was basically the first gay
to wear leather chaps
to Mardi Gras.
[man] My tummy's rumbling!
Coming!
Just give me, like, 5
to, like, 35 minutes.
His love language is acts of service,
so he might want to, like,
go for one. [chuckles]
Now, I've suggested that Penny drive,
because I'm aware that,
in the past, I have, albeit unknowingly,
not that that's an excuse,
I've assumed that I will drive,
which is a sexist assumption
and one that Penny has made me aware of.
Now that I'm suggesting
that you can't drive, Daniel.
That's not what I'm suggesting at all.
That's a vicious stereotype
and I would never say that.
So if I've made you feel in any way that
you or anyone like you
not anyone like you, of course oh God.
Penny, pull over.
- You have to let Daniel drive.
- What?
Did someone say something?
Nope. No.
So, get excited.
Big client today, everyone.
It's the big one, alright?
Oh, no mucking about, alright?
So let's all please,
please bring our A game.
B games, not today.
It's all A game. All day.
You ready for the strategy talk?
You're all prepped, ready to go?
- Yes.
- OK.
And Daniel's going to be there,
just in case any of those pesky bugs
get in the way, alright?
Isn't that right, Daniel?
D-Man?
Yep, it's right.
So what's the boss like?
- His name is Mike.
- Mike.
He's an older bloke.
Seems fine on the phone.
Now I will ask, though,
that we respect being in his space,
and I'm asking that because
if we lose this client, we are,
oh boy, not good.
I'm aware of the pressures
of late capitalism, Richard.
Great. Thank you.
Do you mind if I put some music on?
Go for it.
I love a tune.
One question ♪
Do you eat ass ass ass? ♪
Yeah I eat ass ass ass ♪
Do you eat ass ass ass? ♪
Yeah I eat ass ass ass ♪
One question
do you eat ass ass ass? ♪
Yeah I eat ass ass ass
Are you sure? ♪
Do you eat ass ass ass? ♪
Yeah, I eat ass ass ass ♪
[music playing softly]
[swift door knocks]
Mia! Get out of there. We have to go.
- We have to go now!
- I need a second!
No, but they just posted
to their Instagram.
They're running out of bao.
We are gonna miss out on bao, Mia!
No!
[groans, chuckles] Forgive me.
Had a bit of a late one last night.
My daughter lost her soccer match.
She missed a penalty in the last minute.
You wouldn't bloody believe it.
I took her out for gelato afterwards
'cause she was so upset.
And she still won't shut up about it.
She takes after
her bloody mother like that.
It's all yap, yap, yap.
Makes me want to blow my brains out.
Am I right?
Well, you know with my wife,
I'm the one who won't stop talking.
Oh, good for you, mate.
In touch with your feminine side.
So, ah,
this the bloody genius strategist
you've been telling me about, eh?
Actually, I'll be running the training
and strategy sessions today.
So where should we set up?
Oh, she's a bit
of a firecracker, isn't she?
[chuckles] I'll take you there, love.
He seems nice.
Mia, why did we have to rush home
so suddenly?
Mia!
Mia!
Is this because I got the last bao?
Because if it is, then I'm sorry.
If it makes you feel any better,
you can have
a small bite of my bao.
[man] Oh, where's my waffle?
Oh shit, I nearly forgot
I have a secret boy.
Coming!
So I can do all my invoices on here?
Oh, well, it will save a lot of paper.
Yep. Now run me through how
your purchase orders come in.
Oh, well, the boys usually bring them in
when they get back from a job.
Sorry, who are the boys?
Sorry, the technicians.
They're all men?
Mm-hmm.
Why?
Well, it's just blokey stuff.
I know I wouldn't want to be
out there all day.
I will stick with my bikkies
and a cup of tea, thank you very much.
Except not those ones
with the orange filling.
They are rat shit.
I don't know who got them.
[whispers] Get it out.
[rock music]
[grunts]
Read my lips if you don't want to ♪
Steal that kiss if she won't let you ♪
It's so cool if she don't get you ♪
[wails]
Fuck!
You're her fool
All the boys they come see me ♪
Come see me ♪
[sobbing]
Yep.
Did they agree to a price?
You didn't discuss a price,
you just, um, installed it?
- What's wrong?
- [Mia] Can you come home, please?
So you just gave them
free air conditioners?
Ben, this is the third time!
I think I'm needed here.
Isn't Austin home? Get him to help.
It's vagina related!
I'm sorry.
Penny, if my vagina explodes and I die
- I'm sorry, I have to go. I'm sorry.
- [Mia] Penny. Penny!
OK. Where were we?
So, the calendar view is just there,
so open it up and tap on the date.
And I just enter the time
and the address here, right?
Yeah!
I tried to move the scheduling
to like a shared spreadsheet,
but the boys, they just kept giving me
scraps of paper.
[laughter]
Well, even they should be able
to use the app now.
[loud thud]
Thank you, Daryl.
Does he always just slam his paperwork
down like that?
Oh, Daryl's just very busy at the moment.
[loud thud]
Adam too.
Very busy.
I need your help.
Babe, I'm so sorry,
but I need to get 'Old Hat'
out of the house by five
and I want to like utilize
our time together,
if you know what I mean.
We're gonna bang.
My mooncup is stuck.
[Old Hat] Where's my Pina Colada?
Well, that sounds like a problem
that Penny would be so good
at helping you with
Now you listen to me,
you horny little fuck.
There's a silicone goblet
lost inside of my body,
and Penny is at some industrial park
5,000km away.
If you don't help me,
I'm going to tell Penny about secret boy
and she's gonna make you feel so guilty
that you'll never be able
to see him again.
- Is that what you want?
- No.
- Is it?
- No!
- Do you?
- No!
No! OK, relax! Jesus, Mia.
[gasping] I'll help.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I think maybe I am upset about the bao.
Mm-hmm.
So as you know, I have a high cervix.
Have I not mentioned this before?
You say it literally every day.
I still don't know what it means.
I have a tall vagina.
But you're not that tall.
But my vagina's tall.
So you're all vagina down there?
Anyway!
I got a new mooncup with a longer stem,
which was supposed to make it easier
to take out.
But it's gone.
It's gone?
[Mia] Well, it's in me, but it's gone.
Well, where did it go?
I don't know.
Wait, so it's like somewhere in the tube?
Yes, yes. I need you to look in me.
Or we could, like, take you to some place
that specializes in this sort of thing.
Like a lady salon,
or some sort of like womany
Doctor. A doctor!
No, no, Austin if I go to a doctor,
some decrepit GP is going to write
'haunted cervix' in his little notebook
and tell me to fuck off!
No doctor would do that, Mia.
- They take an oath.
- Austin!
One time I had to go to the doctor
because I lost my Implanon
and they didn't believe me
until I literally had a heart attack.
Well, my problems are important too, Mia.
In fact I should be in my room, right now,
fucking them away.
Right, so you're seriously prioritizing
your horniness over my vaginal health?
[Old Hat] Eugh, vaginal? Gross!
Sorry. He actually does support women.
He basically coined the phrase
'dykes on bikes.'
[man] It's broken again.
[man 2] Uh, you can play games on this.
So Adam, because the app is on a tablet,
you don't need to worry about
forgetting a pencil.
[Adam] Cool. Cool.
But what if I, like,
forget the tablet at home?
Well, don't do that. You need the tablet.
[Adam] Yeah, but what if it, like,
falls into a hole?
What hole?
Why, why does it fall into a hole?
I don't know, there's gutters.
Rabbit holes.
- Um
- Rabbit holes?
Yeah. And like construction holes.
Heaps of different holes, ey.
[man] Mine's broken.
I think yours is on auto-rotate.
No, it's broken. Yeah, look, 'cause
Oh yeah, it's fixed now.
So this has been good. Um,
are there are any other questions?
[Adam] Oh, yeah.
You look like Claudia Schiffer.
Yeah? You reckon?
- OK.
- [Adam] You're welcome.
Oh, hello.
B to a D in three months.
Fan-fucking-tastic.
[Adam] Ooh, yeah.
[wolf whistles]
I have to go.
Oi, Danny.
You tappin' it?
No thanks.
[Austin] Yes, yes, OK.
I can't see shit.
I think, I think gravity is like,
sucking it in deeper.
Jesus, I feel like I'm going to find
12 Thai boys and a coach in here.
Oh my god, Mia, you're so tight!
The counter's cold. It's closing me up!
We need to change tactic.
We need to talk.
The way the men here treat you
is unacceptable.
Why should they have
the higher paying jobs
when any one of you could do it
a thousand times better?
You should have those jobs.
You deserve a pay rise.
Yeah, but the boys have done
their apprenticeships.
Yeah, here!
Why couldn't you do an apprenticeship?
Mike said we need girls
on the phones
to lure in more clientele.
[yelling] He said what?
Silicone.
Shaped like a wine glass. It's pink.
Pink? Everything in here is pink, Mia.
Is that cup?
- Is this you?
- Ow! Ow!
Oh my god, Mia, I can't do this.
No, Austin, don't abandon a woman
of color in her time of need
you monster! You
Excuse me!
You are blocking a person of
homosexual from overcoming his sadness.
Aha! I'm getting Penny to send me
a photo of her chart right now.
Is it my love that offends you, Mia?
Is that why you're doing this?
Did you vote no?
I could go into toxic shock!
Cumming prevents prostate cancer!
Those findings are inconclusive at best.
Aren't we being a bit dramatic?
I mean, they mean well,
and we all deal with it in our own way.
Yeah, I just go home to a glass of wine
or a bottle, or sometimes two,
and that one time, three.
I find crying in the bathroom once a day
quite cleansing.
Mmm.
- Amanda.
- Yes?
You learnt how to use that app
in 10 seconds
while it took Daryl five minutes
and a meltdown
just to connect to the wi-fi.
There is so much power in this room.
And things could be so much better.
You are the glue that holds
this company together. Without you
This place would fall apart.
Ladies
[phone rings]
- [Amanda] This office is full of misogyny.
[Mike] What? That's
a very big accusation.
[Julie] We want equality
and we've had none here,
and so we've made up a list of demands.
[Mike] OK, can, can we just
I'm sure there's a way
we can compromise, isn't there?
Yeah there certainly is,
because we're walking out.
That's right, no, well,
technically we're sitting in,
but we're not working until we're paid
the same as Daryl.
Stupid bloody fuckin' thing!
[ringing continues]
This place would fall apart without us.
[Mike] I think that's an exaggeration
Oh, good golly gosh.
What's happening here?
Oh, it seems some kind of spontaneous
political action's popped up,
like, out of nowhere.
Ah, well
[cellphone chimes]
Oh, jeepers creepers.
[Julie] This place would fall apart
without us, and you know it.
I'm going to let you handle this.
[Mike, chuckling nervously] Julie
[Julie] Do you really think so?
Well answer that phone then.
No, but I will just check to see that
someone is answering it,
because ah, it is a little odd
that it's not being answered.
So just ah, just bear with me there.
[Penny] Hey, Mike!
We're ready for that strategy session now.
Shit.
I didn't think it would be so jammy.
We should have put the towel down first.
Didn't you say your flow
wasn't that heavy?
It's been in me for 16 hours.
I underestimated.
Well, we should clean this up,
you should put some pants on,
and I should take mine off.
Have I destroyed your couch?
[Austin] Not if we clean it up
lickety-splits choppity-chop!
We all seem a little bit distracted
or something. Is everything OK?
[loud thud]
No!
No it's not.
Now we can't afford to lose the girls,
but we cannot afford
to give them all pay rises.
How long is this gonna last?
Someone google it.
Maybe you're just not thinking
outside of the box.
I witnessed firsthand today
how quickly the female staff
took to the app.
And I think if you were to, I don't know,
train some of the women as technicians,
you'd see a boost in efficiency.
Who'd do all the invoicing?
Well, a lot of that work can now
be done by the techs themselves.
And the scheduling? [scoffs]
We're busy men.
And the technicians,
they cannot be expected to learn
those kinds of skills.
All that's automated now.
You can set up a call out in like,
three taps.
Oh.
Look at that.
And the invoicing too, really easy.
All you need to do is
I just filed an invoice.
- Exactly!
- Oh, wow.
Doesn't it usually take Julie an hour
to do that?
Yeah!
Oh, so I guess what you're saying is
maybe we don't need the women at all.
No! No. No, sorry, I think we bleagh!
No, I think what we're all thinking,
what we're all realizing is that, wow,
Julie could now be free to work
in the field as a technician,
generating more income for your business.
I don't think of her as a technician.
Or a project manager.
Not without technician experience.
Finance manager?
That's Bill's job.
I am not gonna fire Bill.
Oh, sorry I got caught up. How
How are we going in here?
Everyone travelling OK?
We are travelling more than OK!
I've got this licked.
I'm sorry.
Fuck you.
OK.
Well, glad things aren't like that
in our workplace.
So what do we want to do now?
- I'm down for a drink
- Just take me home.
Oh, boy.
So Penny wants to but Daniel is
but is that above or below
Oh, gee willickers, that is
You know what? It's gonna
it's gonna come right out.
We just these are yours,
these are mine.
This spray.
Guys, I had the worst day today.
I single-handedly increased the wage gap.
How was your day?
Did you fix your vagina problem?
And you guys are cleaning the house.
That's so nice.
Well, I'm gonna run myself a bath.
And I got my period?
God damn it!
[Old Hat] Period! Oh, yuck-oh!
Oh, give him a break.
He sucked the first dick at Stonewall.
One question ♪
Do you eat ass ass ass? ♪
Yeah I eat ass ass ass ♪
Do you eat ass ass ass? ♪
Yeah I eat ass ass ass ♪
One question
do you eat ass ass ass? ♪
Yeah I eat ass ass ass
Are you sure? ♪
Do you eat ass ass ass? ♪
Yeah, I eat ass ass ass ♪
OK, bad guy, lick before you stick it
Lick it good one time ♪
All the bitches
Love it yeah they do don't lie ♪
So get your tongue in deep
My ass ♪