Wild West (2002) s01e02 Episode Script

You never get stamps commemorating great lesbians.
lt's always bloody clowns.
The World Cup - again! Hello? People would rather see a set of great lesbians every four years.
- l love almonds, don't you? - l love 'em.
- Queen o' nuts.
- They make other nuts look like - Cheap whores.
- Cheap whores sitting on a shelf.
lt's like ''The Birds'', innit, only with fish! - You can't stop kids having fun.
- Watch me! - They had another go at jake's boat.
- Oh, no.
This just can't go on.
l'm gonna kill 'em! Thanks for gathering here.
The village hall is full of old people dancing.
This is an emergency meeting to talk about vandalism.
lt is time to eradicate this pox.
- And my goodness it is a pox in the village.
- Hear, hear! lt's only lunchtime, but l don't want anyone leaving here sober unless you're driving.
Let's have a look at some recent incidents.
janine, the slides.
Daphne, the lights.
No, Daphne, the lights.
Right.
Glass incident.
Dustbin-henge.
Ha-friggin'-ha.
- Shocking.
- He won't be back to Cornwall with his cash.
janine, sort your doughnut out.
Lights, please, Daph Someone.
- How to eradicate this violence? - Come on! We know who these children are.
Two of them are mine.
- Shame! - They're not wicked.
They're not even necessarily lazy.
Harness the energy used to assemble those bins or drag jake's boat into the church and this village could be every bit as dynamic as Pimp or Polwiggle Nackel.
Yep.
- Any suggestions? - Can l have a pint, please? - jeff.
- Mary? A sort of pit dug deep into the path, strewn with leaves and branches.
The kids comes along to do their worst, and suddenly, ''Aghh!'', they fall into the pit - possibly onto some spikes.
- l like that.
They are flogged and exhibited like animals until they apologise and repay their debt to society.
- Tie them to a tree.
- l like that.
We tackle this vandalism by giving the kids something - they can look at and say, ''That is mine.
'' - Broken arms.
- Good idea! - Something they can be proud of.
Like a youth club.
No, they don't deserve that.
Or a mural! l wasn't being a lily-livered, wishy-washy liberal.
l was merely stating that these children are bored in this oppressively tiny, teeny, tiny, bloody village.
As am l.
- Oh, you're bored? - l am bored! Seize the opportunities for excitement that come by! - What opportunities? - Did you try the stilt-walking? No.
Were you Mole in ''Wind in the Willows''? - No.
- Mary! Mary Did you run with the goats in the Pamplona-style carnival up Ball's Willy? - l'll get the stilt-walkers back, shall l? - lf it makes you less bored, yeah.
- Yeah! - Yeah.
l will.
Good! Yeah, let's have a look.
- Can't find ''stilt-walkers''.
- What are you looking under? ''Stilts'', obviously.
- Try ''Entertainment''.
- You think l won't, don't you? Weld in the lesbians.
Weld in the lesbians.
Weld in the lesbians.
Weld in the lesbians.
Right, so how does the actual bungee jumping work? You just boing up and down, don't you? Right Oh, l don't care if it's safe! No, l'm not worried about that! So when can you come round and talk us through? Tomorrow? Right Quite soon.
Er, OK.
OK.
Let's, er Let's do it, then! Thanks for rushing, boys.
What did you do? Stop off to pick some flowers? Spot of breakfast in Truro, was it? Come on.
- Hello! - G'day.
- Angela Phillips? - Call me Ange.
Whatever's groovy.
We're Bungeeland.
Did somebody weld you in? - Yeah, kids! - Right.
That's quite a job you've got, travelling round like the old troubadours.
''Let's do the whole show right here.
'' Break a few hearts, then move on.
- lt's fun.
- We're like that in this shop.
So, how many people have you seen plummet to their death? - None.
- Go like that, do you? - just listen to it? - lt's perfectly safe.
OK.
We've done a recce and found a high cliff.
(HYSTERlCAL LAUGH) Really? A cliff? Lovely (!) - Lovely! - We'll leave these.
For fun, some people dress in crazy gear.
- Love it! - Or to advertise their company.
One farmer dressed as a runner bean.
Oh, yeah? Brilliant! - Can l have my pension? - SHUT UP! l trust you'll all do the bungee jump? - You might as well.
- l've done a few.
lt's no big deal.
My friend swallowed a bird on the way down.
Keep your teeth down.
- ''Twat'' is rude, isn't it? - Yes.
- You could jump dressed as a witch.
- Yes! Women were dunked for being witches.
''l'm just looking after this broom for a friend!'' How do you spell ''wy-aye'', that Newcastle thing? ''Hello, pet! Are you a little fishy on a little dishy when the boat comes in? Wy-aye!'' Well, it's not spelt ''Y-l''.
l know! l know that.
- My sketch for the mural.
- Thanks, jake.
- lt's surprisingly powerful.
- Right.
Listen.
l've done my bit with the bungee jump.
You should organise the mural.
l'll organise to have their testicles torn off.
- The council are fostering community art.
- Da, da, da! - You can get a grant.
- Grant? OK, l'll do it, then.
All right? - Twat.
- But that's rude.
- Oh.
Titpants.
- What? Titpants.
Slang for bra.
Use the ''p'' off fudgeramp.
- You'll be doing the bungee jump, jeff? - No, doesn't interest me.
- Sure? - l find it a bit childish, that's all.
Wouldn't be that jeff's scaredy-waredy? Not scaredy-waredy, no.
Growny-uppy.
(THEY lMlTATE A CHlCKEN) - ls that jake's mural? - Yeah.
A chronicle of Cornish sea disasters.
just looks like some kind of sewage spill.
- Very bosh.
- lt's complete bosh.
Oh, that's a nice one.
Beautiful.
Look at the lovely details! - That's absolutely beautiful.
Look at it.
- Hmm Yeah.
- lt's yours, isn't it? - Yes! Lovely (!) Holly's done one on Cornish history.
The discovery of tin is apparently a druid holding a can of spaghetti hoops.
You got Francis Drake playing beach volleyball.
- That wasn't even in Cornwall! - There's a sign saying ''To Cornwall''.
We'll use that.
We're only painting a toilet! - What's that? - lt's form A4e from the council.
The more disadvantaged we look, the bigger the grant, so l'll say Dean Harbin is disabled.
'Cause l'll probably break his legs anyway.
jeff's Daphne is deaf.
Well done, Daphne! And l am from Bosnia.
l'm so excited about the bungee jump tomorrow.
This is a magical time for me.
l am finally saying ''Yes!'' to life.
OK, stop right there! Any crap out of you lot, you're going home in a pie! Do that again, Emily, and l'll gob on you.
And if l gob on you, you'll know you've been gobbed on! Listen to me.
We're gonna do a mural.
Anybody know what that is? - lt's a big picture on a wall.
- Yes.
So you're gonna do me one of they, OK? - How much are we getting paid? - Nothing, Demelza Lego, you silly bitch.
Come on, follow me.
Come on, keep up! Up here.
(CLUCKlNG CHlCKEN) (REPEATED ) - jeff.
- Can you hear a chicken noise? What? Nothing.
Right Anybody here ethnic? Damien, you got a touch of something.
- Right, you're a gypsy.
- Anybody's dad in prison? Or likely to go? Good.
This paint's rubbish.
You watered it down.
Tough! How am l to make a profit? Cyril, are you painting tits on that druid? For what it's worth, that is not what Holly Huntiman intended.
She's a witch! - Witch! - Witch! - Witch! - Stop it! l admit she is a little bit witchy, yes.
- Are you a lesbian? - (ALL) Lesbian! Right! Please, not the Gents! Right, l've got a shop to run.
When l get back, l wanna see Francis Drake up there playing volleyball! Right? - l'm not sure about doing the bungee jump.
- God! Why? l think it might be because l don't know.
Because l don't want to die by falling from a great height in front of hundreds of people.
You'll deprive people of a lot of pleasure.
l'm sorry, l'm baking the wrong thing! Oh, Ange, come on.
Come on, come on.
Remember that bloke, Evel Knievel, who jumped across the big canyon on his bike? Everyone said he would plunge to his death.
Remember? Did he, Ange? Did he? - Er - Did he? l can't remember.
You should do this kind of thing when you can look back and say, ''l have achieved something with my life.
l can now plummet happily to my death.
'' What have l achieved in my life? - You've annoyed masses of people.
- They try to make it look safe, but it's not.
You are a length of rubber away from a very messy end - and a footnote in ''Bungee News''.
- Calm down.
When l go, l wanna go in a nice bed, surrounded by loved ones and a nice vicar.
Not with my neck jerking this way and that and my body broken like a rag doll! And breathe And breathe That's it.
Well done, luvver, well done.
- (CLUCKlNG CHlCKEN) - Bloody chickens! Shut up.
l am not jumping.
l'm buggered if l'll jump.
- Hi! - Oh, hiya.
So, all set for tomorrow, then? Yeah! - lt raises issues of personal bravery.
- You'll be fine! - You've never had any accidents, then? - Nah.
- Go on! How many people have you killed? - None.
OK.
l won't tell anyone.
What is it, about 15, 20? None.
OK.
But if the rubber band were to break, l'd end up like this.
No, because you wear a safety harness.
- Right, so why do l need a backup? - Because all systems can fail.
So both can fail.
Come on, who done it? l think Damien here would appreciate it if someone had the courage to own up.
Doesn't bother me.
l've got all day, if necessary.
- Hello! - Ooh, hello! You want to see what l'm wearing for the jump.
- All right, it was me.
- Thank you.
Any new exhibits? - Have you seen Bony Hand of Bodmin? - Yeah.
l've turned down another pickled penis.
- You can have too many, can't you? - Yeah.
Shall l put on what l'm wearing for the jump? You really want to, don't you? l think it will draw attention to the centre.
A friend of the centre said to do it naked.
He thought it rang more true, somehow.
l'd have done it using an old witch's pubic wig, called a mirkin.
We had them once.
You don't forget a display of pubic wigs.
No, but l felt the G-forces would rip it off.
- Do you like it? - lt's fantastic.
l'm getting into a state about doing this bungee jump.
- So l'll confront my fears rationally - Good.
.
.
and buy a lucky charm - have you got anything? - You poor love.
- lt's OK.
l'm always making charms for people.
You know Sting? l made one for him when he was worried about touring.
This is nice.
And this is to ward off that supernit that's been going around.
- l've sold a lot of those.
- What's that? That? lt's just some old stone that got in there.
Right.
Have you got anything, you know, for fear of flying.
Specifically a fear of plummeting and crashing.
Hmm This is an ergomon stone.
lt has properties of floating and levity.
- lt's big, isn't it? - Big is as big does.
What does that mean exactly? The bigger the stone, the bigger the effect.
Oh.
Have you got a bigger one? Ah, so you decided to do it, then? Yeah.
- What's this? - Nothing.
- lt's a magic stone.
- You can't jump with a stone! - lt's lucky.
- lt can affect your body-weight calculation - or fly off and kill someone.
- Sorry! You expect me to jump into the void and pay for the privilege and you're worried someone will get hit by a pebble? Have you any idea how hard this is for me? 'Ere, piss off, go on.
Not you, not you.
- All right, Kelly? - What do you want? - You fancy yourself a bit of a painter? - No.
lf l give you 100 quid, you can do your own mural, anything you like, apart from the following.
No activities of a sexular nature.
No celebrations of drugs, alcohol or glue, Kelly.
No tricks with animals, no clowns, no needlessly thin or attractive people.
- Yeah.
- Right.
Here You get the other half when you finish.
Here's 20 quid.
Go for a bungee jump.
You're joking! None of us would get on that death trap! Look, you can't do the jump with a stone! Calm down! Calm down! - Get off! - Come on, then! l'll have you! You and me outside! We are outside! (OPERA MUSlC: lTALlAN TENORS DUET) Yippee! Yes! YES! Woo-hoo! Wa-hey! (MUSlC CONTlNUES) Oh, my God! just as well l had my lucky stone with me! l wanna do it again! So, presumably, you'll be saying ''yes'' to life from now on, then? l might start by saying ''maybe'' to life.
Good, good.
- And then? - Work my way up to ''yes''.
Work your way up.
Yep.
So, though profoundly deaf, Daphne can make a noise like a chicken! Yes.
Apparently she taught herself at deaf school.
She's been saving it up to torture jeff with.
Ah, nice.
l had to give Kelly 100 quid to finish that mural.
- The paint cost an extra 80.
- So no profit? Yes, 1,300 quid.
lt's a proper job.
ln a year l'll apply for another grant.
l'll get the kids to cut a big white horse in the hillside.
- That's gotta be worth five grand.
- lt's always white horses, though.
Then we'll do a penguin.
we've got a special kind of love The kind that toughens you up That you're never sure of And it's not enough Out where the sunsets hover we tear apart each other All day you got me going There's no way l'll let you know it That's OK 'cause we're as good as it gets ln the wild west.