Wilfred (AU) (2007) s01e02 Episode Script

Losing people who are so close to you, so suddenly, it's hard.
Bloody hard.
Feels like feels like you're climbing a bloody mountain sometimes.
But, as they say, shared joy is double joy and shared sorrow is half sorrow.
So, um yeah.
I know exactly how you must have felt.
That's how I'd feel if anything happened to Wilfred, except 10 times worse.
You know, I love him more than anything.
I think I'd cry more if he died than if any of my natural family died.
Are you serious? Fucken oath.
Wow.
That's a lot.
Oh, he is adorable - basically runs the show.
Runs the show alright.
What's that? I was just saying he runs the show.
He knows where the boundaries are and he continues to cross them.
Is that a problem? Hmm? Are you saying I spoil him? Well, yeah, I guess I am, but, um, I'm not suggesting that's necessarily a bad thing.
It's, you know Because you know, Adam, it is really important to me that you guys get along.
I love Wilfred.
How could I not? He's adorable, as you say.
Yeah, well he's all I've got.
Don't know about that.
I wouldn't expect you to.
Hey.
Time out.
I love dogs, OK? We grew up with pets.
Dogs? Well, no.
What pets? Birds mostly.
But, um, it taught us a lot about responsibility and duty of care.
What the fuck is duty of care? Caring.
Caring for creatures.
Am I on trial here? Feels like I've done something wrong.
You've said all the right things, Adam.
I know you love Wilfred.
I know he thinks the world of you.
Does he? Shit, yeah.
You swear a lot.
Fuck me dead! I just want to let it fall into place naturally.
I don't want to force anything, you know.
Adam, I think the turtle's starting to poke his head out.
I've always been so damn cautious, but as I get older I Wilfred?! Where is he? I don't know.
He usually meets me at the door.
Baby? Look, I've got to drop this poo.
Can you check his den and see if he's alright? Yep, yep, yep.
Wilfred, what's going on, mate? Are you in here? You in here, buddy? Wilfred? I'm not asleep.
Oh, there you are.
Here I am.
Having a little rest? I don't have little rests.
If I'm not up answering the door when someone gets home there's a reason.
Something's wrong or there's a reason.
You're not feeling the best, mate? It's that pizza from last night.
It's fucked me.
Are you serious? You got rid of that box, didn't ya? Yeah, yeah, I threw it in a bin down the street.
Don't tell Sarah I'm crook.
I don't want her worrying about me.
Well, if you're sick she's gonna find out eventually.
I don't want her worrying about me! OK.
Mmm.
Arggh! Arggh! Are you alright, Wilfred? You want us to take you somewhere? You OK? Sit down, Adam.
Mate, if you're sick I want to take you somewhere.
Sit! So you're it.
I'm what? You and Sarah.
You did.
I know you did.
You gave her the naughty boy last night when you thought I was asleep.
I don't know what to say.
Nothing to say.
You gave her the naughty boy.
Sarah's been naughty-boyed and you're the new it.
You've got the it factor.
Wilfred, you've got the it factor as far as Sarah is concerned.
She loves you, man.
Probably just as well you showed up.
Sarah's gonna need someone to look after her.
Look, what are you talking about? Let's just say that if something was to happen to me, I'd like to think you might show up from time to time to keep an eye on her.
Wilfred, what's going on? I think I'm on the way out, mate.
What? Yeah.
I'm all over the shop.
My hip's completely fucked, I can't shit properly.
I think that pizza pushed me over the edge.
It's it's not a hypothetical.
Wilfred, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to tell Sarah.
Look, we need to get you some help, mate.
Well actually then, Adam if you did want to help It's weird having someone else around again.
Bad weird? No.
Maybe we should stay at my place more.
Oh, whatever.
So what are you doing now? I thought I might hang out with Wilfred for a bit.
I think he might be feeling a bit left out.
That is so beautiful.
Thank you.
No, no, no.
I want to.
Hey, Sarah, what's in that room at the top of the stairs? Oh, the boys' room? It's just a pile of old junk, some guns.
It's pretty cool.
Check it out some time.
Oh, it's locked.
The key's on the painting hook next to the door.
Just don't let Wilfred see you go up there.
What, he gets a bit excited, does he? Yeah.
Adam.
Wow, this is great.
It's huge.
Boys' room, Adam, where the big boys play.
Where all the big decisions get made.
Sarah mentioned something about guns? Calm down, Adam.
You're not in the movies now.
They're not loaded.
Wow.
It's incredible.
Some of these date back and turn into a century.
This is an amazing place, Wilfred.
It's got a really good atmosphere.
It's OK.
Don't let those get warm.
No, no, no.
I'm onto it.
So Sarah doesn't like you coming up here? Painful memories maybe.
Like? What? Painful memories like? Who's that? You've got some painful memories? Ever played pool? Yeah, yeah, I have, actually.
Played heaps at uni.
Yeah, not swimming pool.
Oooh, nasty.
Foul.
Foul.
Foul snooker.
That was not a foul snooker, Wilfred.
Yes, it was.
No, hang on, mate, you can't do that.
No, no, house rules, house rules.
Foul.
Now, that is foul snooker.
Explain to me what a foul snooker is.
I shouldn't have to explain it to you.
That's it, mate.
That's the end of the game today.
Come on, Maestro.
Mate, if Sarah comes in and we're looking at this stuff, she's not gonna like it.
Click it, click it, click it! Oooh.
She's not gonna be happy if she sees that.
She's a nice-looking lady, isn't she? Shh, get down.
This is where it gets a bit more complicated.
Hang on, this is someone's house! No, they're not in the house, they're out there.
Wilfred, I don't like the idea of trespassing onto someone else's private property, stealing plants that don't belong to us.
I mean, they could have any kind of security set-up.
Do I look like an idiot? Do you think I'm gonna send you into a booby trap? Mark's been in there hundreds of times.
They're just sitting there.
Well, you know where they are.
I can't undo the latch, mate.
Think about it.
Jesus.
Adam, get this one.
Heaven.
A solid mission.
That was not a solid mission.
We'll get the rest next time.
Not with me you won't, mate.
That's it.
Alright, you've got enough for a herbal relaxant.
You've got enough for your sore back.
And hip.
Well, mate, that's enough.
In fact, that that's heaps.
If you spread it out it'll last you weeks.
Yeah, if I spread it out.
I'm Lee Marvin.
I'm Lee Marvin! Well I can't get you any pizza or nachos, mate.
I can't do that for you anymore, OK? Let me ask you a question, Adam.
Here we go.
Have you ever owned something special that someone once gave to you and you lost it? And no matter how much you searched for it - for days, months and weeks you couldn't couldn't reach reach it.
Even when you know where it was, you can't reach it, you can't you can't get to it.
Yeah, I have.
Maybe there's more to you than I give credit.
What was it, Wilfred? What was it that you lost? Ah, forget it.
No, I'm interested, mate.
What was it? Are you shittin' me? No, no, I-I wanna know.
Well, you'll laugh when you hear this, but it was a tennis ball.
Just a tennis ball.
It was a mangy old thing, but it was a beauty.
And bounce? Well, it was Mark's favourite.
And it even had the Woodies' autographs on it.
Well, he wanted me to have it, didn't he? That, in fact that was the last words he spoke to me were, "I want you to have it.
" I sometimes wonder whether it was something I done.
You know, all the bullshit you do to yourself.
Where is it now, the ball? It's just over the roof there - other side, in the gutter.
What? Yeah, over there in the gutter.
Mmm, yeah, I'd go over and get it myself but I've got no grip.
I need boots or something.
I've got no grip.
Oh, it's a fair way up? Yeah.
It's none of your concern.
Well, I'd get it myself, but I've had a couple of these and it's pretty dark so It'd only take you a minute.
Yeah, it only takes a couple of seconds to die, so Ah, fuck ya! Hang on, mate, that's not Nah, I wouldn't have opened up to ya if I'd have thought that you'd twist it and turn it and use it against me.
Forget it.
I opened up again.
I actually should have known better than thinking you might give a shit.
Oooh, it is pissin' down! Yeah, it's just further around.
Look, I can't see it, mate.
Keep going.
Just watch your footing - some of them tiles are loose.
Where is it? Further around.
It's not here, mate.
You know, you waltz into people's lives like the night in shining almonds.
Whoa-ahhhhh! You know, "shared joy equals more naughty boy" and all the rest of it.
I guess you thought this was a pretty easy gig.
Just knock off little mama, kick me off the bed and watch DVDs.
Yeah, it doesn't work like that, fella.
Wilfred! Get Sarah, I need help! Get Sarah, mate.
Oh, cause that's what I'm good for, isn't it? Fetching help.
My God, your cliches make me sick! Wilfred, I don't know whatever I've done to hurt your feelings.
OK, mate, I'm sorry.
I think you might be suffering from separation anxiety.
Wilfred, I'm not trying to take you away from Sarah, alright? Please? Wasn't there a moment tonight when it felt like you and I could be friends? That we could hang out together, maybe like maybe like you and Mark? Arggh! Maybe we could give it a try.
Hello, sleepyhead.
Hey.
You look so cute when you're asleep.
Do I? Yeah.
You're like a chubby bug.
Excellent.
Was I snoring? Yeah.
Cool.
Thanks for coming in.
Oh, Wilfred wanted to come.
Did he? Yeah, he was really worried about you.
Hmm.
Thought he'd be glad to see the back of me.
Are you kidding? You found his tennis ball.
Yeah, but I thought he hated me.
No, no.
He really, really likes you.
I mean, I've seen him with, like, a shitload of guys I've brought home and he thinks you're great.
Mmm.
You know, his ears prick up every time I mention your name.
I don't think I can take the place of Mark, OK? I don't know, maybe it's too soon or something, but I I just can't do all the stuff he does.
I feel like he's always looking over my shoulder, laughing at me.
I don't know.
You're a gorgeous girl, you can get any guy you like, a really great guy.
I don't want one of them.
I don't know how to get it through your fat head, Adam.
I want you.
Do ya? Yeah.
There we go.
Excuse me? Is that your Gemini parked outside? Oh.
He's so gorgeous.
Oooh.
Oooh.
See, this is actually only one side of me, Adam.
You've actually only seen one side of me.
I can be quite sensitive.
Yeah, I can see that.
Yeah, that's partly why I sometimes just call shots as I see 'em.
Well that's great and everything, Wilfred, as long as when you're calling these shots you don't actually hurt other individuals.
No, no, no.
I'm not not hurting individuals.
But, Adam, I'm actually in the process of making a lot of changes.
Sweeping changes.
I'm thinking of putting something back into the community.
Community work.
Like what? Guide-dog.
Right.
Mmm.
Don't you have to train train for that from when you're quite young? How old do you think I am? Well, you're not old, but you're not young, mate.
Young enough to be a guide-dog.
Adam, I just think that you can be a little bit more supportive when it comes to my hopes and dreams.
I am being supportive.
I'm supporting you by telling the truth.
I'm protecting you from getting from getting hurt later on.
I mean, you don't want to have your hopes and aspirations spoilt by misinformation.
I can't let that happen to you.
That'd be that'd be cruel of me.
Oh, I can keep my hopes and asps hopes and aspirations.
No, don't worry about it, Adam.
I said don't worry about it, didn't I? You know, I was actually joking about the guide-dog stuff.
You know, you can't take a joke.
I was actually making a joke for you, Adam.
Right.
Thank you, mate.
Mate, how can you say that? Now, you listen to me.
You listen to me! I do listen to you.
I do.
I listen to you quite a bit, Wilfred! No, not now you're not.
No, no, not now I'm not, no.
Often.
What's that? A mozzie? Fruit fly.
Wrong again, Adam.
Oh, Adam.
Whoops, sorry.
I tried to do a 'Punter' Ponting.
Do you have a-a stance on on sex toys? What? Still got batteries.
But he hates me.
He's a dog, Adam.
Just some counselling, yeah.
Did you just hear what I just said? Yeah.
You're a unit, then.