With Bob & David (2015) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 I do not know what all the fuss is all about! He was totally extra, right? I've never heard such nonsense in all my life.
He was totally unnecessary and good riddance! They're around here somewhere.
In the event of a fire In the event of a fire it is every man for himself.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bob Odenkirk and David Cross.
Thank you.
- All yours.
- All right.
Thank you.
- Yes! - Yeah.
Uh, we, uh Well, we're gonna do a sketch show.
Look around.
I see a lot of stuff.
You know, I wish I could tell you guys what's gonna be on the show.
Warn you what's gonna be on the show.
It's a lot of fun stuff.
Don't worry about it, all right? Gonna be some Plenty of sexy stuff.
I know that's your number one thing, "Am I gonna get to jerk off later?" Yes, you will.
Yes, you will.
Bikini models? Oh! "Hubba-hubba," right? Yeah.
- Hula dancers? - Yeah.
- Uh, we're gonna show a lot of crazy shit.
- All right? Maybe.
I mean, there's gonna be a family with webbed toes - that's gonna be coming out.
- That's cool.
We're gonna show you a picture of the prophet Mohammed.
- Yay! - We're gonna show you Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, - wait, wait, wait.
- in a bikini outfit, okay? No, back up.
Hold it.
No.
- What? What's going on? - No, no, no.
David, David, David, that is Shane Stevens, he's head of comedy here at the network.
He can pull the plug at any moment.
Wait a sec But this isn't a comedy show and Netflix isn't a network.
I know that, and you know that, but he doesn't know that.
Now, just humor him.
- He's only got 42 years left to live.
- Oh.
Yes, uh, Mr.
Stevens, sorry.
What What can we do for ya? You guys can't do that thing you said just then about, you know, a piction of the prophey Mohafa.
- You can't do that.
- Oh, no.
We're not really gonna show a picture of the prophet Whoa, whoa, no.
No, we wouldn't do that, man.
It's not that funny.
Yeah, plus, we like living.
Yeah, it's one of our top ten things to do.
Show it? You can't even say the phrase, "A fimfah of the fahfah Mohafa.
" Wait, wait.
You're saying we can't even say, - "A picture of the prophet Mohamm " - No! David, yeah, I know that this is a Judeo-Christian country, with separation of church and state and free speech and all that, but we still have to abide by laws laid down by the Ayatollah Khomeini, okay? God rest his beard.
Wait a second.
Could we say, uh, "A prophet of the Mohammed picture?" Still too close, I think.
Uh, what? This is ri All right, uh, can we say, "A prophure of the picmed of Mohaphet"? Okay, I like that.
That's, a prophure of the picmed Mohaphet.
Yeah.
- It's got a nice ring to it.
- Yeah, you know what? I think that might be a workaround.
Let me kick that up the ladder.
- And we'll We'll see - Up what ladder? I thought you're the head of this whatever this is.
Yes, I am, but there's still a chain of command, okay? This is Hollywood, the buck never stops.
Let me make a call.
Yeah, Big J, this is Shane.
What is it, buddy? Kind of busy here.
I got five new shows I'm covering, got three new pilots to watch.
Now I got an X-five rocket launcher being operated by a bunch of knuckleheads who were trained in Syria and don't know their asses from their elbows.
So, quickly, what is it? Busiest man in Hollywood, huh? Okay, uh Hey, can we say, "A prophure of the picmed Mohaphet?" No, it's a It's a twist on the phrase a pic Oh, you already figured it out.
Good.
Uh, okay.
Yeah, well, it's nonsense, so Oh, wow.
Okay.
Phew! He says that if a person says that phrase three times out loud, they'll be face to face with, you know, 72 virgins.
Kapeesh? Wait a second.
David just made that up.
- A prophure of the picmed Mohaph - Bob! Now you said it two times, all right.
Okay, thank you, J.
Okay.
He is gonna check with his Imam and get back to us.
Imam, it's Osman.
Listen, am I bothering you? No, J, no fighter in the cause is ever bothering me.
What is at issue, my son? Mohaphet who? They want to say what? That's fine, it makes absolutely no sense.
It's based on what? Oh, then, no, no, no, no, no.
It is forbidden.
Okay, peace be upon you, my son.
What time is it over there? Uh, it's, like, 2:30.
Ah, yes, I forgot.
How's the constant fighting going? J? J? Lost him.
We are here, Your Most Holy.
Ah, yes.
Right this way.
Sorry I'm late.
Pilot season.
We order you the sushi.
- And? - We are celebrating.
Freddy here has a story credit in the CarBots movie coming out.
Plus, he has a new mud floor named after him in a madrassa.
- Nice.
- Allahu Akbar.
- Allahu Akbar.
- Allahu Akbar.
Guys, uh, Imam, a thousand pardons.
Here it is.
This is my new baby.
Oh, you're gonna love it.
It's a, uh, beautiful, complex, uh, a no-holds-barred look at modern relationships.
Uh, we got the green light, we just need the go-ahead from you and we can get rolling.
"Midnight's Family.
" Nutshell it for me.
Absolutely.
It's about a gay couple, uh, been together for years, very comfortable, who want to adopt a child from a lesbian couple, and then things get complex when one of the gay partners has an affair with a straight woman.
So, just a cold-eyed look at modern contemporary relationships.
Okay, okay.
I get that it's current, complex honest, I'm sure.
Very.
But, uh, can we have the gay couple be straight and the lesbians also be straight and have no adoption? And have the adulteress stoned to death? - Yes.
- Mmm.
Okay.
Uh, that would change things substantially.
Right.
Okay, what if we just kept the gay couple and the adoption? Okay, let's compromise.
Lose all of the other Let's just have the stoning of the adulteress.
That way it's much more enjoyable.
You got it.
All right, thank you guys so much.
Thank you.
Picture it, Imam, a TV show that goes after the real criminals in today's society.
Children who touch shoes, grandmas who look at ducks on a Sunday! Men without beards, women with vaginas, Jew scientists.
We nail 'em.
We nail 'em all to the wall.
This ain't no game, all right? I got you your smokes, I got you your coffee.
Now, where's Valentino's hideout? All right! Okay, I tried to be nice.
Yeah, I tried to be nice, all right? But now you're gonna have to deal with my partner, okay? - He's not nice like me.
- Ooh! He's a real asshole.
Enjoy.
Don't wanna talk, huh? I don't know nothin'.
Oh, yeah? Well, here's what I know.
- No more coffee, no more smokes.
- Hey.
Where's Valentino's hideout? All right, I get it, I get it, you're the asshole cop! Yeah! Wait, what? I get it, I get it, you know? He comes in here acting all nice and acting like he cares and you come in here with the "asshole cop" act.
He said you were an asshole and you are.
He said I was an asshole? Yeah.
Mort said that? Yes.
Easy for him.
He's got the perfect life, and And he goes and calls me an ass It's just these damn feelings.
It hurts! What'd you say to him? What'd you say to my partner? What? I just said you said he was an asshole.
Why would you say that? What? I don't know.
I mean, I thought it was part of the whole cop game you were doing.
No! This is no game! Remember the first thing I said is, "This ain't no game!" - Yeah, okay.
- Do you remember? - Do you remember that? - Yes, yes, I remember.
I remember.
All right, well, let's keep goin' here.
Come on, spill it! I ain't sayin' nothin' about the hideout! No, not about the hideout! About me, what did What did he say about me? Oh, well, I don't Uh, nice stuff, you know? Good things, like, uh, you have the perfect life and, you know, uh Oh.
He said I have the perfect life, huh? Oh, my life is far from perfect, yeah.
Did Did he tell you about the shit with my wife and the house? - No.
- Oh, fuck.
You see, that guy, he's He's so, uh, obsequious, you know? He's like, uh, he's overly sensitive.
He's just He's an emotional basket-case! Oh, I'll show him "perfect life.
" What did you say to him, you son of a bitch? He's really mad at me now! Jesus! Lay off, man! - I just said the "perfect life" thing.
- Oh, is that all you said, huh? That's all, Chatty Cathy? That was between you and me! He doesn't have a perfect life.
He's got shit with his wife.
He's got this hot garage, guest house with the Mexican tiles.
Now he thinks I'm making fun of him.
I mean, it doesn't mean you're, like, acting obsequious or whatever.
Ooh, there's that word.
What, he called me that? Yeah, I'm obsequious 'cause I actually like my job.
He thinks he could say anything about anybody 'cause of his wife and his house shit! He doesn't care about us anymore! What is it about the wife, and the garage or something? What'd you say to him? He just disinvited me to his wedding.
I mean, I tried to use obsequious in a sentence, - but I don't think - Oh, no, no, why'd you do that? That's my word.
He knows that.
God.
Listen, I I don't know what I'm doing here, man.
I'm just trying to get you guys back together.
I mean I had a wife and my garage kinda Oh! Oh, he told you about Jeanette.
- No, no, I didn't - And the shit with my, uh, - with the Mexican tiles! - Oh.
Yeah, they sent me Mexican tiles for a garage! Oh, him with his pill problem! Oh, yeah.
What did he tell you? You got a pill problem.
Fuck! All right.
What did he tell you about the full-on homosexual experience I had in college? Nothing, man.
All right, listen, I like gay people.
- What did he say - Oh - Oh, you son of a bitch! - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah, here we go.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing? Come on, guys, what is this? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Jeez, come on, take it easy.
Easy, easy.
Jesus.
This is all my fault, all right? I was just playing, you know, hard to question, huh? I was making you guys work for it, huh? Now you're all Come on.
You guys are partners, you gotta come together, you know? Hey, who's gonna get off those pills, huh? Yeah, I think so, let me hear it.
- I'm gonna quit the pills.
- Yes.
Okay, good.
Good.
And who's gonna re-invite who to whose wedding? I will, I will.
Let him hear it.
Can I invite you to back to my wedding? - Come on.
- Yes, of course.
All right.
All right, I want you guys to shake on it and look each other in the eyes, okay? There it is.
All right.
Feels good, doesn't it? Okay.
I think I'm done here, guys.
Thank you, take care.
Did you tell him about my full-on homosexual experience in college? - No, you want me to? I'll go find him.
- No.
No, I'll do it later.
- No, I'd be happy to.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, sorry.
Sorry, I forgot.
Uh, Valentino's hideout is Third and Ashland.
- Boner! - Okay, just write it down.
Give it to the Sergeant.
- I'll leave it on the fridge.
- Okay.
This was the scene where Valentino's gang was busted on a tip from a thoughtful criminal who was guilty of breaking laws and mending friendships.
And now, in interesting news, an extra member of the rock group the Beatles, unknown until now, was found dead today.
The body of Gordie Mclntosh, who appeared on every Beatles album and in every photo, but was hard to see or hear, was found dead of natural causes, on his estate in Surrey, England.
Fans reacted with mixed response.
It's just I'm a huge Beatles fan.
Um, I can't believe that I just heard about him and he's already dead.
It's not fair.
I loved him.
He avoided the limelight, never wanted to be celebrated, or be a bother to the other Beatles.
Just a great, great extra Beatle.
I don't know what the fuss is all about! Why, he was totally extra, right? What? I never heard such nonsense in my life.
What? He was totally unnecessary and good riddance! It's a great loss.
And with only two Beatles left, and now losing Gordie, there's really only two Beatles left.
What the fuck is your problem? Fuck you! Fuck.
God I mean, try it this way, if you had a an invisible third arm that was paralyzed would you miss it? If you lost that arm, would you miss it? Would you even know that you were missing it if it was indeed invisible and paralyzed? Don't want to get all physiological on you, but, uh, how about psychological? In, uh, Miguel de Cervantes' Don Quixote page 136 from the English language tradition translation, rather, um Don Quixote is fighting against a real enemy.
To anyone else, it's, uh, windmills.
He's just literally tilting at, uh, windmills, that's where we get that expression from.
Real or not, is that record real? Don't know, you might have to listen to it to find out.
Ooh, what's up, Real? Okay.
Latin music is kind of real.
Or is it? You don't know.
Plant, artificial or real? We don't know.
Reality, un-reality.
What is here, what is not here.
What can be seen, and what can't be seen, you don't know.
Who's gonna know what's real or not real? No one knows.
Gordie Mclntosh, extra Beatle, dead today at 72.
The family asked that nobody send nothing nowhere in memory of his life's work.
You're watching the ExtraNews, more news than is necessary, and now to entertainment.
The Oscars are only ten and a half months away and the excitement is building.
Here's our Oscar maven, Chip Tinkley.
Chip? Hey-ho, all, only 27,848,962 seconds to go until the big night.
My tuxedo's at the cleaners, canapés are in the fridge, and extra Kleenex is on order to handle the tears of joy and sorrow.
As we answer the question, "Who will eventually be talked about a long time from now?" It's too early to say, but not too squirrely to spray my excitement all over your face for a brand new film that's coming down the pike with Oscar in its sights.
Here's the trailer for Einstein, Poster of Genius! One man, one mind, that changed the world.
Einstein, the man, the mystery.
That's it! No one knew that genius hiding behind the special theory of relativity had greatness ahead of him.
Extree, extree! World War II is over! Atom bomb saves the day! But one woman's flirtatious look was the key to his greatest achievement.
Come on! I'm just a stupid old flapper.
All my friends quit doing this 20 years ago.
- You know, flappin' around.
- You are being modest.
I'm the stupid one.
Stupid genius who would finally achieve what is truly important in this life, if I could only have your smile.
Come on! Smiles are a dime a dozen! I'll give you a smile! I do so enjoy it! Oh Einstein's greatest achievement was just around the corner.
Mmm It's working! I don't want any of this! All right, then, Professor, I merely need you to stick out your tongue and say, "Ah.
" Easy as pie, now.
Out it comes.
Meet me halfway.
Further now, further! Give it to me! Here it is.
Now you've got it! Professor, come back! His search for greatness would lead him to love.
But his search for love would lead him to greatness.
All right, Benny-boy, let's have a nice big smile for the camera.
Three, two, one Einstein, Poster of Genius is a story untold until now.
This is truly the greatest accomplishment I will ever know.
There are so many people to thank.
Uh, Bill Palmer, the photographer, gentle touch.
The little boy who got out of the way.
Uh, Tonya Guilfroy at Connecticut Muffins.
Thank you so much! Uh, my agent.
Uh, who else? Uh, my Gott im Himmel, of course.
And that's it, I guess Oh, no.
No, wait.
There is someone else I must thank.
And that is me.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, I'm just a left-over link from a sketch that got cut.
- You don't wanna know.
- All right.
Well, uh, here's your ticket.
- Remember to read the entire ticket.
- Mmm-hmm.
I need my stuff.
- Got a ticket? - Yeah.
Uh, I'm in a bit of a hurry, I really need that jacket, I got a big meeting.
Could you Could you not eat while handling my clean Could you not come in when I'm in the middle of my brunch? Oops, too late.
Oh, there's my jacket! Did you get that stain out? You need to borrow my eyeballs as well? Okay, I'll check it myself.
Oh, shit! My jacket is stained! It's got, like, four new stains on it! Oh, dude, you almost got the sleeve in my barbeque sauce just now.
How did these get on here? Okay, these happened here.
You're gonna have to clean this for me, pal.
Read your ticket, if the stain happens in the shop, we're not responsible for it.
That's crazy, you're a dry cleaner! Those are some pretty bad stains, I'd send that out.
Send it out? I wanna talk to your manager.
Mr.
Santos! Yeah, what is it? I'm kind of busy back here.
Yes, this idiot was eating while handling my jacket, and now my jacket has new stains on it! Is this true? It happened in the shop.
Oh, well, if it happened in the shop that's not our responsibility.
Read your ticket.
Fuck that, you should clean these stains off for free! All right, hang on, let me take a look at this thing.
Uh Oh, yeah, well, these definitely could have happened in this shop.
Could have? You're staining it right now! Okay, I wanna see the owner.
I wanna speak to the owner now.
- What? - The owner, I wanna speak to him! We already talked.
You're the owner? Sir, read your ticket.
It's all on the ticket.
I don't have my ticket.
Oh, I'll get you a new one.
Or if you want, you can wait.
We're printing up a new batch in the back.
That's ink on your hands? Yes, we print all our tickets in-house.
That's the Henderson promise.
I assume that's why you came here.
No! I come in here 'cause you're the closest one to my house.
All right, just get him the replacement clothes.
- Ah! - I get replacement clothes.
Okay, that's something.
What the hell? I don't want a dress! It's too small, and it's a dress! Sir, we intend to tailor it.
We'll take it out, you can tuck it in your pants.
Read your ticket, it's all on there.
Why Nobody reads their ticket anymore.
No, but do you tell them? "In the case of a stain occurring on the premises, we'll replace said item with a clothing item of exact weight and same color palette, but non-gender-specific.
" I see.
Uh, keep reading, it gets better.
Uh, "A Thanksgiving turkey will be given to mutually agreed upon charity da-da-da donkey ride, gum, baby loves head rub.
No negotiations, comical or otherwise as allowed by law.
" - Get to the good part.
- Yeah.
What show do you wanna see? Oh.
"Customer will receive two tickets to current Broadway hit show.
" - Nice! - See? I thought you'd like that.
Keep readin'.
"Broadway show must be seen within 24 hours of staining.
" I can't fly to New York for a show right now, that's ridiculous! Shoulda read the ticket before you came in.
Obviously, but, guys, I've gotta get to work.
Help me here.
You know what? I'm willing to go out on a limb here.
What? No.
No, fuck what that ticket says, I'm serious.
We'll put up a Broadway caliber show right here in town.
Yeah, you and I will write the lyrics of the music and the owner will write the book.
- I'm sorry, but I still - What, you wanna write the book, too? I just wanted my suit! Hey, hey.
Hey, man.
What's really goin' on here? I I can't write a Broadway show with you guys.
- Why not? - Because I don't have an idea for a Broadway show.
Well, maybe one.
It's kind of obvious, but it's about a house.
A special house.
Wait.
So, the rooms come to life? Yeah, that's the idea.
It's about a house who tells its story through song.
I mean, I said it was kind of obvious.
Shut up, shut up.
There's a family they're not getting along.
Uh, misunderstandings, secrets.
Uh The rooms in the house conspire to bring them closer.
They love the house, and, uh the house loves them back.
Yeah, okay, uh I'm the foyer, welcome home Boy, oh, boy, a battle's begun Yeah, yeah! The family's gone Us rooms can talk Speak up now Let's be a home! I'm the stairs, I'm the stairs Am I the only one who Tears Cares.
Cares? I may just be the powder room And you may be the fireplace Nobody cares about the stairs Archways, come and make a sound A joyous sound! I was made for pee and poop On me, the stairs! I, the dining room, do declare There shall be a party here - There shall be a party - No! No! No! The stairway should throw the party, not the dining room! - What? - The dumbwaiter should write the letter to the basement and the basement ran away, not the upstairs bathroom! Well, how would the basement run away? Think! Secret room.
A secret room.
Uh, a safe room that nobody knows about, comes knockin' at the door.
- That doesn't make any sense.
- Shut up! Shut up.
Uh, the safe room The prodigal room.
It's been gone, I don't I don't know where, um - It doesn't matter.
- Shut up, it doesn't matter.
It's been gone and it's back and it has the deed.
And then the deed sings your song, "Foundations and Love.
" - Shut up! Yeah.
- Shut up, I got this.
Yeah, I'll shut up.
Foundations, creations Uncovering temptations Shut up! And that gives the garage the hope it's been dreaming of.
And the winner for best musical is Rooms, The Musical.
- Oh, man.
Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Oh, we did it! Thank you so much.
Uh, we have so many people to thank.
Uh, uh, Hamish Quentley at Knightsly Publishing.
His enthusiasm was what kept us going.
Uh, Tonya Guilfroy at, uh, Connecticut Muffins.
This is for you.
Oh, look who's here, Donald Steeling.
He played the Dumbwaiter.
- We almost cut that song! - We almost cut that song.
- I can't believe that.
- Oh, is there anybody else? Uh, I don't know if I - I don't think so.
- We're not forgetting anybody? - No, I think that's it.
- No, uh Oh, wait! Yes, one more.
We'd like to thank us.
- All right, thank you.
- Here's to us! - Thank you.
Oh, oh - Oh, and And also, the laundry ticket! - The laundry ticket.
- The original ticket.
All right, thank you so much.
Thank you, everybody.
Oh! Wait, no! Wait, stop! Stop! There is one other person we need to thank.
'Cause we couldn't have done it without the cashier/owner.
Bring him up here! Let him know, everybody.
Oh, wow, this is so I know I don't have a lot of time.
I wrote something, I'm gonna screw this up.
I don't even know what I wrote.
Um Oh.
"A prophure of the picmed Mohaphet.
" Who knows what that Bob, that's three times! Seventy-two virgins! - What? - Oh, whoa! Um, are Are you and Bob ever gonna get together and do something? Are you guys still friends? Um, Bob, are you, um, making more Breaking Bads? - Oh, yeah.
- Wait, no, it's not What about the Arrested Development movie? I don't know, I wanna do it, but When you did that third Chipmunks movie why? Right, yeah, right Hey, what was Chris Farley like? Very nice guy.
- Very glad to know him.
- Ooh, ooh! I have a monkey and a llama named Bob and David.
- Great, great.
- Just thought you'd want to know.
- Very important, thank you.
- Hey! Hi! Would you guys sign my tits? Love to.
Thank you.
- David? Make good hash out of him.
- Yeah, sure.
He was totally unnecessary and good riddance! They're around here somewhere.
In the event of a fire In the event of a fire it is every man for himself.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bob Odenkirk and David Cross.
Thank you.
- All yours.
- All right.
Thank you.
- Yes! - Yeah.
Uh, we, uh Well, we're gonna do a sketch show.
Look around.
I see a lot of stuff.
You know, I wish I could tell you guys what's gonna be on the show.
Warn you what's gonna be on the show.
It's a lot of fun stuff.
Don't worry about it, all right? Gonna be some Plenty of sexy stuff.
I know that's your number one thing, "Am I gonna get to jerk off later?" Yes, you will.
Yes, you will.
Bikini models? Oh! "Hubba-hubba," right? Yeah.
- Hula dancers? - Yeah.
- Uh, we're gonna show a lot of crazy shit.
- All right? Maybe.
I mean, there's gonna be a family with webbed toes - that's gonna be coming out.
- That's cool.
We're gonna show you a picture of the prophet Mohammed.
- Yay! - We're gonna show you Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, - wait, wait, wait.
- in a bikini outfit, okay? No, back up.
Hold it.
No.
- What? What's going on? - No, no, no.
David, David, David, that is Shane Stevens, he's head of comedy here at the network.
He can pull the plug at any moment.
Wait a sec But this isn't a comedy show and Netflix isn't a network.
I know that, and you know that, but he doesn't know that.
Now, just humor him.
- He's only got 42 years left to live.
- Oh.
Yes, uh, Mr.
Stevens, sorry.
What What can we do for ya? You guys can't do that thing you said just then about, you know, a piction of the prophey Mohafa.
- You can't do that.
- Oh, no.
We're not really gonna show a picture of the prophet Whoa, whoa, no.
No, we wouldn't do that, man.
It's not that funny.
Yeah, plus, we like living.
Yeah, it's one of our top ten things to do.
Show it? You can't even say the phrase, "A fimfah of the fahfah Mohafa.
" Wait, wait.
You're saying we can't even say, - "A picture of the prophet Mohamm " - No! David, yeah, I know that this is a Judeo-Christian country, with separation of church and state and free speech and all that, but we still have to abide by laws laid down by the Ayatollah Khomeini, okay? God rest his beard.
Wait a second.
Could we say, uh, "A prophet of the Mohammed picture?" Still too close, I think.
Uh, what? This is ri All right, uh, can we say, "A prophure of the picmed of Mohaphet"? Okay, I like that.
That's, a prophure of the picmed Mohaphet.
Yeah.
- It's got a nice ring to it.
- Yeah, you know what? I think that might be a workaround.
Let me kick that up the ladder.
- And we'll We'll see - Up what ladder? I thought you're the head of this whatever this is.
Yes, I am, but there's still a chain of command, okay? This is Hollywood, the buck never stops.
Let me make a call.
Yeah, Big J, this is Shane.
What is it, buddy? Kind of busy here.
I got five new shows I'm covering, got three new pilots to watch.
Now I got an X-five rocket launcher being operated by a bunch of knuckleheads who were trained in Syria and don't know their asses from their elbows.
So, quickly, what is it? Busiest man in Hollywood, huh? Okay, uh Hey, can we say, "A prophure of the picmed Mohaphet?" No, it's a It's a twist on the phrase a pic Oh, you already figured it out.
Good.
Uh, okay.
Yeah, well, it's nonsense, so Oh, wow.
Okay.
Phew! He says that if a person says that phrase three times out loud, they'll be face to face with, you know, 72 virgins.
Kapeesh? Wait a second.
David just made that up.
- A prophure of the picmed Mohaph - Bob! Now you said it two times, all right.
Okay, thank you, J.
Okay.
He is gonna check with his Imam and get back to us.
Imam, it's Osman.
Listen, am I bothering you? No, J, no fighter in the cause is ever bothering me.
What is at issue, my son? Mohaphet who? They want to say what? That's fine, it makes absolutely no sense.
It's based on what? Oh, then, no, no, no, no, no.
It is forbidden.
Okay, peace be upon you, my son.
What time is it over there? Uh, it's, like, 2:30.
Ah, yes, I forgot.
How's the constant fighting going? J? J? Lost him.
We are here, Your Most Holy.
Ah, yes.
Right this way.
Sorry I'm late.
Pilot season.
We order you the sushi.
- And? - We are celebrating.
Freddy here has a story credit in the CarBots movie coming out.
Plus, he has a new mud floor named after him in a madrassa.
- Nice.
- Allahu Akbar.
- Allahu Akbar.
- Allahu Akbar.
Guys, uh, Imam, a thousand pardons.
Here it is.
This is my new baby.
Oh, you're gonna love it.
It's a, uh, beautiful, complex, uh, a no-holds-barred look at modern relationships.
Uh, we got the green light, we just need the go-ahead from you and we can get rolling.
"Midnight's Family.
" Nutshell it for me.
Absolutely.
It's about a gay couple, uh, been together for years, very comfortable, who want to adopt a child from a lesbian couple, and then things get complex when one of the gay partners has an affair with a straight woman.
So, just a cold-eyed look at modern contemporary relationships.
Okay, okay.
I get that it's current, complex honest, I'm sure.
Very.
But, uh, can we have the gay couple be straight and the lesbians also be straight and have no adoption? And have the adulteress stoned to death? - Yes.
- Mmm.
Okay.
Uh, that would change things substantially.
Right.
Okay, what if we just kept the gay couple and the adoption? Okay, let's compromise.
Lose all of the other Let's just have the stoning of the adulteress.
That way it's much more enjoyable.
You got it.
All right, thank you guys so much.
Thank you.
Picture it, Imam, a TV show that goes after the real criminals in today's society.
Children who touch shoes, grandmas who look at ducks on a Sunday! Men without beards, women with vaginas, Jew scientists.
We nail 'em.
We nail 'em all to the wall.
This ain't no game, all right? I got you your smokes, I got you your coffee.
Now, where's Valentino's hideout? All right! Okay, I tried to be nice.
Yeah, I tried to be nice, all right? But now you're gonna have to deal with my partner, okay? - He's not nice like me.
- Ooh! He's a real asshole.
Enjoy.
Don't wanna talk, huh? I don't know nothin'.
Oh, yeah? Well, here's what I know.
- No more coffee, no more smokes.
- Hey.
Where's Valentino's hideout? All right, I get it, I get it, you're the asshole cop! Yeah! Wait, what? I get it, I get it, you know? He comes in here acting all nice and acting like he cares and you come in here with the "asshole cop" act.
He said you were an asshole and you are.
He said I was an asshole? Yeah.
Mort said that? Yes.
Easy for him.
He's got the perfect life, and And he goes and calls me an ass It's just these damn feelings.
It hurts! What'd you say to him? What'd you say to my partner? What? I just said you said he was an asshole.
Why would you say that? What? I don't know.
I mean, I thought it was part of the whole cop game you were doing.
No! This is no game! Remember the first thing I said is, "This ain't no game!" - Yeah, okay.
- Do you remember? - Do you remember that? - Yes, yes, I remember.
I remember.
All right, well, let's keep goin' here.
Come on, spill it! I ain't sayin' nothin' about the hideout! No, not about the hideout! About me, what did What did he say about me? Oh, well, I don't Uh, nice stuff, you know? Good things, like, uh, you have the perfect life and, you know, uh Oh.
He said I have the perfect life, huh? Oh, my life is far from perfect, yeah.
Did Did he tell you about the shit with my wife and the house? - No.
- Oh, fuck.
You see, that guy, he's He's so, uh, obsequious, you know? He's like, uh, he's overly sensitive.
He's just He's an emotional basket-case! Oh, I'll show him "perfect life.
" What did you say to him, you son of a bitch? He's really mad at me now! Jesus! Lay off, man! - I just said the "perfect life" thing.
- Oh, is that all you said, huh? That's all, Chatty Cathy? That was between you and me! He doesn't have a perfect life.
He's got shit with his wife.
He's got this hot garage, guest house with the Mexican tiles.
Now he thinks I'm making fun of him.
I mean, it doesn't mean you're, like, acting obsequious or whatever.
Ooh, there's that word.
What, he called me that? Yeah, I'm obsequious 'cause I actually like my job.
He thinks he could say anything about anybody 'cause of his wife and his house shit! He doesn't care about us anymore! What is it about the wife, and the garage or something? What'd you say to him? He just disinvited me to his wedding.
I mean, I tried to use obsequious in a sentence, - but I don't think - Oh, no, no, why'd you do that? That's my word.
He knows that.
God.
Listen, I I don't know what I'm doing here, man.
I'm just trying to get you guys back together.
I mean I had a wife and my garage kinda Oh! Oh, he told you about Jeanette.
- No, no, I didn't - And the shit with my, uh, - with the Mexican tiles! - Oh.
Yeah, they sent me Mexican tiles for a garage! Oh, him with his pill problem! Oh, yeah.
What did he tell you? You got a pill problem.
Fuck! All right.
What did he tell you about the full-on homosexual experience I had in college? Nothing, man.
All right, listen, I like gay people.
- What did he say - Oh - Oh, you son of a bitch! - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah, here we go.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing? Come on, guys, what is this? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Jeez, come on, take it easy.
Easy, easy.
Jesus.
This is all my fault, all right? I was just playing, you know, hard to question, huh? I was making you guys work for it, huh? Now you're all Come on.
You guys are partners, you gotta come together, you know? Hey, who's gonna get off those pills, huh? Yeah, I think so, let me hear it.
- I'm gonna quit the pills.
- Yes.
Okay, good.
Good.
And who's gonna re-invite who to whose wedding? I will, I will.
Let him hear it.
Can I invite you to back to my wedding? - Come on.
- Yes, of course.
All right.
All right, I want you guys to shake on it and look each other in the eyes, okay? There it is.
All right.
Feels good, doesn't it? Okay.
I think I'm done here, guys.
Thank you, take care.
Did you tell him about my full-on homosexual experience in college? - No, you want me to? I'll go find him.
- No.
No, I'll do it later.
- No, I'd be happy to.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, sorry.
Sorry, I forgot.
Uh, Valentino's hideout is Third and Ashland.
- Boner! - Okay, just write it down.
Give it to the Sergeant.
- I'll leave it on the fridge.
- Okay.
This was the scene where Valentino's gang was busted on a tip from a thoughtful criminal who was guilty of breaking laws and mending friendships.
And now, in interesting news, an extra member of the rock group the Beatles, unknown until now, was found dead today.
The body of Gordie Mclntosh, who appeared on every Beatles album and in every photo, but was hard to see or hear, was found dead of natural causes, on his estate in Surrey, England.
Fans reacted with mixed response.
It's just I'm a huge Beatles fan.
Um, I can't believe that I just heard about him and he's already dead.
It's not fair.
I loved him.
He avoided the limelight, never wanted to be celebrated, or be a bother to the other Beatles.
Just a great, great extra Beatle.
I don't know what the fuss is all about! Why, he was totally extra, right? What? I never heard such nonsense in my life.
What? He was totally unnecessary and good riddance! It's a great loss.
And with only two Beatles left, and now losing Gordie, there's really only two Beatles left.
What the fuck is your problem? Fuck you! Fuck.
God I mean, try it this way, if you had a an invisible third arm that was paralyzed would you miss it? If you lost that arm, would you miss it? Would you even know that you were missing it if it was indeed invisible and paralyzed? Don't want to get all physiological on you, but, uh, how about psychological? In, uh, Miguel de Cervantes' Don Quixote page 136 from the English language tradition translation, rather, um Don Quixote is fighting against a real enemy.
To anyone else, it's, uh, windmills.
He's just literally tilting at, uh, windmills, that's where we get that expression from.
Real or not, is that record real? Don't know, you might have to listen to it to find out.
Ooh, what's up, Real? Okay.
Latin music is kind of real.
Or is it? You don't know.
Plant, artificial or real? We don't know.
Reality, un-reality.
What is here, what is not here.
What can be seen, and what can't be seen, you don't know.
Who's gonna know what's real or not real? No one knows.
Gordie Mclntosh, extra Beatle, dead today at 72.
The family asked that nobody send nothing nowhere in memory of his life's work.
You're watching the ExtraNews, more news than is necessary, and now to entertainment.
The Oscars are only ten and a half months away and the excitement is building.
Here's our Oscar maven, Chip Tinkley.
Chip? Hey-ho, all, only 27,848,962 seconds to go until the big night.
My tuxedo's at the cleaners, canapés are in the fridge, and extra Kleenex is on order to handle the tears of joy and sorrow.
As we answer the question, "Who will eventually be talked about a long time from now?" It's too early to say, but not too squirrely to spray my excitement all over your face for a brand new film that's coming down the pike with Oscar in its sights.
Here's the trailer for Einstein, Poster of Genius! One man, one mind, that changed the world.
Einstein, the man, the mystery.
That's it! No one knew that genius hiding behind the special theory of relativity had greatness ahead of him.
Extree, extree! World War II is over! Atom bomb saves the day! But one woman's flirtatious look was the key to his greatest achievement.
Come on! I'm just a stupid old flapper.
All my friends quit doing this 20 years ago.
- You know, flappin' around.
- You are being modest.
I'm the stupid one.
Stupid genius who would finally achieve what is truly important in this life, if I could only have your smile.
Come on! Smiles are a dime a dozen! I'll give you a smile! I do so enjoy it! Oh Einstein's greatest achievement was just around the corner.
Mmm It's working! I don't want any of this! All right, then, Professor, I merely need you to stick out your tongue and say, "Ah.
" Easy as pie, now.
Out it comes.
Meet me halfway.
Further now, further! Give it to me! Here it is.
Now you've got it! Professor, come back! His search for greatness would lead him to love.
But his search for love would lead him to greatness.
All right, Benny-boy, let's have a nice big smile for the camera.
Three, two, one Einstein, Poster of Genius is a story untold until now.
This is truly the greatest accomplishment I will ever know.
There are so many people to thank.
Uh, Bill Palmer, the photographer, gentle touch.
The little boy who got out of the way.
Uh, Tonya Guilfroy at Connecticut Muffins.
Thank you so much! Uh, my agent.
Uh, who else? Uh, my Gott im Himmel, of course.
And that's it, I guess Oh, no.
No, wait.
There is someone else I must thank.
And that is me.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, I'm just a left-over link from a sketch that got cut.
- You don't wanna know.
- All right.
Well, uh, here's your ticket.
- Remember to read the entire ticket.
- Mmm-hmm.
I need my stuff.
- Got a ticket? - Yeah.
Uh, I'm in a bit of a hurry, I really need that jacket, I got a big meeting.
Could you Could you not eat while handling my clean Could you not come in when I'm in the middle of my brunch? Oops, too late.
Oh, there's my jacket! Did you get that stain out? You need to borrow my eyeballs as well? Okay, I'll check it myself.
Oh, shit! My jacket is stained! It's got, like, four new stains on it! Oh, dude, you almost got the sleeve in my barbeque sauce just now.
How did these get on here? Okay, these happened here.
You're gonna have to clean this for me, pal.
Read your ticket, if the stain happens in the shop, we're not responsible for it.
That's crazy, you're a dry cleaner! Those are some pretty bad stains, I'd send that out.
Send it out? I wanna talk to your manager.
Mr.
Santos! Yeah, what is it? I'm kind of busy back here.
Yes, this idiot was eating while handling my jacket, and now my jacket has new stains on it! Is this true? It happened in the shop.
Oh, well, if it happened in the shop that's not our responsibility.
Read your ticket.
Fuck that, you should clean these stains off for free! All right, hang on, let me take a look at this thing.
Uh Oh, yeah, well, these definitely could have happened in this shop.
Could have? You're staining it right now! Okay, I wanna see the owner.
I wanna speak to the owner now.
- What? - The owner, I wanna speak to him! We already talked.
You're the owner? Sir, read your ticket.
It's all on the ticket.
I don't have my ticket.
Oh, I'll get you a new one.
Or if you want, you can wait.
We're printing up a new batch in the back.
That's ink on your hands? Yes, we print all our tickets in-house.
That's the Henderson promise.
I assume that's why you came here.
No! I come in here 'cause you're the closest one to my house.
All right, just get him the replacement clothes.
- Ah! - I get replacement clothes.
Okay, that's something.
What the hell? I don't want a dress! It's too small, and it's a dress! Sir, we intend to tailor it.
We'll take it out, you can tuck it in your pants.
Read your ticket, it's all on there.
Why Nobody reads their ticket anymore.
No, but do you tell them? "In the case of a stain occurring on the premises, we'll replace said item with a clothing item of exact weight and same color palette, but non-gender-specific.
" I see.
Uh, keep reading, it gets better.
Uh, "A Thanksgiving turkey will be given to mutually agreed upon charity da-da-da donkey ride, gum, baby loves head rub.
No negotiations, comical or otherwise as allowed by law.
" - Get to the good part.
- Yeah.
What show do you wanna see? Oh.
"Customer will receive two tickets to current Broadway hit show.
" - Nice! - See? I thought you'd like that.
Keep readin'.
"Broadway show must be seen within 24 hours of staining.
" I can't fly to New York for a show right now, that's ridiculous! Shoulda read the ticket before you came in.
Obviously, but, guys, I've gotta get to work.
Help me here.
You know what? I'm willing to go out on a limb here.
What? No.
No, fuck what that ticket says, I'm serious.
We'll put up a Broadway caliber show right here in town.
Yeah, you and I will write the lyrics of the music and the owner will write the book.
- I'm sorry, but I still - What, you wanna write the book, too? I just wanted my suit! Hey, hey.
Hey, man.
What's really goin' on here? I I can't write a Broadway show with you guys.
- Why not? - Because I don't have an idea for a Broadway show.
Well, maybe one.
It's kind of obvious, but it's about a house.
A special house.
Wait.
So, the rooms come to life? Yeah, that's the idea.
It's about a house who tells its story through song.
I mean, I said it was kind of obvious.
Shut up, shut up.
There's a family they're not getting along.
Uh, misunderstandings, secrets.
Uh The rooms in the house conspire to bring them closer.
They love the house, and, uh the house loves them back.
Yeah, okay, uh I'm the foyer, welcome home Boy, oh, boy, a battle's begun Yeah, yeah! The family's gone Us rooms can talk Speak up now Let's be a home! I'm the stairs, I'm the stairs Am I the only one who Tears Cares.
Cares? I may just be the powder room And you may be the fireplace Nobody cares about the stairs Archways, come and make a sound A joyous sound! I was made for pee and poop On me, the stairs! I, the dining room, do declare There shall be a party here - There shall be a party - No! No! No! The stairway should throw the party, not the dining room! - What? - The dumbwaiter should write the letter to the basement and the basement ran away, not the upstairs bathroom! Well, how would the basement run away? Think! Secret room.
A secret room.
Uh, a safe room that nobody knows about, comes knockin' at the door.
- That doesn't make any sense.
- Shut up! Shut up.
Uh, the safe room The prodigal room.
It's been gone, I don't I don't know where, um - It doesn't matter.
- Shut up, it doesn't matter.
It's been gone and it's back and it has the deed.
And then the deed sings your song, "Foundations and Love.
" - Shut up! Yeah.
- Shut up, I got this.
Yeah, I'll shut up.
Foundations, creations Uncovering temptations Shut up! And that gives the garage the hope it's been dreaming of.
And the winner for best musical is Rooms, The Musical.
- Oh, man.
Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Oh, we did it! Thank you so much.
Uh, we have so many people to thank.
Uh, uh, Hamish Quentley at Knightsly Publishing.
His enthusiasm was what kept us going.
Uh, Tonya Guilfroy at, uh, Connecticut Muffins.
This is for you.
Oh, look who's here, Donald Steeling.
He played the Dumbwaiter.
- We almost cut that song! - We almost cut that song.
- I can't believe that.
- Oh, is there anybody else? Uh, I don't know if I - I don't think so.
- We're not forgetting anybody? - No, I think that's it.
- No, uh Oh, wait! Yes, one more.
We'd like to thank us.
- All right, thank you.
- Here's to us! - Thank you.
Oh, oh - Oh, and And also, the laundry ticket! - The laundry ticket.
- The original ticket.
All right, thank you so much.
Thank you, everybody.
Oh! Wait, no! Wait, stop! Stop! There is one other person we need to thank.
'Cause we couldn't have done it without the cashier/owner.
Bring him up here! Let him know, everybody.
Oh, wow, this is so I know I don't have a lot of time.
I wrote something, I'm gonna screw this up.
I don't even know what I wrote.
Um Oh.
"A prophure of the picmed Mohaphet.
" Who knows what that Bob, that's three times! Seventy-two virgins! - What? - Oh, whoa! Um, are Are you and Bob ever gonna get together and do something? Are you guys still friends? Um, Bob, are you, um, making more Breaking Bads? - Oh, yeah.
- Wait, no, it's not What about the Arrested Development movie? I don't know, I wanna do it, but When you did that third Chipmunks movie why? Right, yeah, right Hey, what was Chris Farley like? Very nice guy.
- Very glad to know him.
- Ooh, ooh! I have a monkey and a llama named Bob and David.
- Great, great.
- Just thought you'd want to know.
- Very important, thank you.
- Hey! Hi! Would you guys sign my tits? Love to.
Thank you.
- David? Make good hash out of him.
- Yeah, sure.