Wizards (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Meow.
[Douxie whistling]
[theme music playing]
-[horse neighs]
-[knight] What manner of sorcery is this?
Wow!
-Sir Lancelot, um--
-He's so handsome.
-I-- We--
-[Lancelot] Wait!
Aren't you Merlin's errand boy?
-Apprentice.
-He's like a angel-man.
-Whoa! [whimpering]
-[cracking]
-[knights gasp]
-[horse neighs]
[clears throat]
-The devil--?
-[all gasp]
[groans] What? How did I--
-Jim! Are you okay?
-[Lancelot] Troll!
Troll! To arms!
-[knights grunt]
-Wait! Chill out, lads!
Chill? Out?
Take a breath, all right?
He's one of the good ones.
There are no good ones.
-[grunts]
-Monsters are forbidden in Arthur's lands.
You'll hang before the king
for your insolence.
Whoa, he even talks like an angel.
Wait, what's an "insolence"? [grunts]
[horse neighs]
[Steve shouts] Let go of me!
I want my one phone call! [grunts]
This place was cooler flying.
[indistinct chatter]
Claire? What happened?
What are we doing at a Renn faire?
-[sizzles]
-Aah!
-Jim!
-We're prisoners in the, uh, Dark Ages.
-Mid 12th century with no way home.
-[Steve yelps]
It's not an ideal situation.
Ideal? Jim has a shard of evil magic
in his chest!
Actually, I'm still hurt,
but it feels different somehow.
Modrax's miracles, he's right!
When we jumped back in time, it must have
frozen the corruption in place.
Uh, seems I missed a lot.
-Don't you work at the cafe?
-Part time.
And thanks for always tipping, by the way.
He's Merlin's apprentice.
-It's a long story.
-[Lancelot] Open the gate!
We have foreigners awaiting judgment
for King Arthur.
Nah, no worries.
Camelot's my old turf.
-Just follow my lead.
-[guards shouting]
-[Douxie] Be inconspicuous.
-[guard] Aye for prisoners! Coming!
-[grunts]
-Gunmar's threatening our borders.
Double our patrols.
Here are the trespassers, my lord.
[Arthur] A Troll?
I thought I made it clear,
your kind are unwelcome
when I banished you all from the realm.
-Don't you mean "betrayed"?
-[huffs] Morgana!
Inconspicuous, remember? [clears throat]
You gave the woods
to enchanted creatures like these.
You'd break that vow?
These beasts care not,
especially not this spy of Gunmar's!
Stop calling me a beast!
[groans] Wait. Gunmar?
[voice squeaks] Your Highness, ahem,
it's good to see you again.
-And you are?
-Hisirdoux, Merlin's apprentice.
I assure you he is no threat.
That's my judgment to make, boy.
-Trolls are born of magic
-[people gasp]
as you are of blood.
How is their nature a crime?
When they ravage our lands,
take our loved ones from us.
I made these laws
to hold this fragile land together,
and they will be abided!
Leave the wood, the penalty is death.
What? No! Wait, wait!
-I'm not a Troll!
-Whoa, hold-- hold on!
Isn't this a bit hasty?
Bring him to the sunlight.
[Jim grunting]
Jim! No!
[grunting]
-[sizzling]
-[screaming]
Stop!
[Morgana gasps] Shadow magic.
[Arthur] Morgana
is this your witchery?
Cease it at once!
Just because you're scared of him
doesn't mean he shouldn't exist!
It doesn't make him evil.
But it makes him dangerous.
I will not fail to protect my kingdom!
If you give in to fear, that is failing.
The girl speaks truth.
Please listen to her.
Hmm [sighs]
Fine. I will show the Troll mercy.
He will live
in the dungeon.
-[grunting]
-Jim--
He's alive.
We'll get him out eventually.
Just trust me.
As for you, Hisirdoux,
shouldn't you be with Merlin?
Uh, yes. Well, I was busy
recruiting these two.
They're here to help in the-- in the war!
This is Claire of the House of Nuñez.
And well, this is the village idiot.
Oh, me? I'm just an "in-so-lent" knight.
All-state champ! Sir Steve of Palchukia!
Hmm, if you truly be friends of Camelot,
then prove your worth.
-Hisirdoux, rejoin Merlin.
-[grunting]
[Arthur] Sir Steve,
to Lancelot in the barracks.
-As for you, Mistress Claire--
-I'll take the girl.
I could use a new handmaiden.
[Arthur] It is done.
Now, out! I have a kingdom to protect.
-[Galahad] Get in there, creature!
-[Jim grunts]
-[door clangs shut]
-[Galahad laughs]
You belong in the darkness!
-[Galahad laughs]
-At least it's not the Darklands.
So, what are you in for, skinny?
-What?
-Ugh! Your crime?
Being a Troll
where I'm not supposed to, I guess.
Same.
Arthur has a sick sense of humor.
Steals my homelands,
then says I'm trespassing there.
Now Trolls are forbidden
along with anything else
that's not a fleshbag.
Actually, I'm half fleshbag.
[Troll laughs]
Yeah, and I'm half goblin.
Waka-chaka!
Hey, that better be mud.
-[laughing]
-[blows raspberry]
He's at war with more than
just the Gumm-Gumms.
[Troll] Ask Arthur,
the only good Troll's a dead one.
Same goes for goblins, gnomes,
and any other so-called "monster"
he doesn't understand.
-The name's Callista.
-I'm Jim.
-Welcome to the rest of your life.
-[sighs]
-Well, that went better than expected.
-Are you kidding?
Jim's in prison and I'm the servant
to a sorceress who tried to kill me.
Even worse, I can't get a signal!
Technically speaking,
she hasn't done that yet.
I don't care!
We're not supposed to be here.
We should be home, together,
helping our friends in the present.
Their present. The future!
Whatever! [crying]
We can't return home yet.
Look, Merlin always insisted
we never mess with time.
We'll have to find a way back
without screwing up history,
or there won't be a future to go home to.
Aw, man!
Just like in that movie Future Warrior 3,
when the robots killed Alfred Einstein.
-Yeah, exactly.
-[grunting]
So, how do we get home?
You're the wizard expert here.
The Time Map! It's here with Merlin!
It could show us the way back
to the present without damaging the past.
Then what are we waiting for, Dumbledork?
Let's go get the Time Thingy!
What about Jim?
Lake's probably safer down there
than we are up here.
It's settled. We'll play our roles and
stay out of trouble while I get that map.
[bottle shatters]
[Merlin] Hisirdoux,
do you have feet for hands?
All the Slorr juice?
You know how long it takes
to milk one of those?
Sorry, sir.
I was just trying to save time.
[Douxie] Ugh, that hair was a mistake.
[groans] I remember this.
"Your cutting corners"
has only cost me time.
It's hard enough creating Arthur's
new weapon without your mucking about.
I need you in the workshop,
and you're milking the Slorr.
[whooshes]
Well, here's hoping this doesn't break
the time-space continuum.
-[muffled yelp]
-[gasps] Hey!
-Aah!
-Um, hey, me.
Aah! Doppelgänger!
You-- you're me. I'm me!
-No need to panic.
-Well, how-- how
Wait, this can only mean one thing.
[both] Time travel paradox.
Double Douxies? This is a disaster!
[both] Give me a break, Arch!
[both] Oh, wow. This is wild!
Let's focus on the here and now.
-Where having two of us will be--
-Will be a logistical nightmare.
I agree, uh, so the easiest solution--
Is for one of us to go away
till I return to my time.
Great idea!
-But which one of us--
-Interminus nocti sluumberso!
[snoring]
I know this looks bad, but I swear
I've got this under control.
If that were true, things in the future
have really changed.
Ha ha.
Just don't go blabbing to Merlin, okay?
I need to stay incognito.
-Aah!
-[snoring]
Fine. This should be fun to watch.
Hisirdoux, what is taking so long?
-Just cleaning up another mess.
-[Archie meows]
Swore I'd never do this again.
[Morgana] We spell-casters
should be fleeing to the Wild Wood,
not slaving away for that fool--
Mind your tongue, Morgana.
-You speak treason against our king!
-I speak truth.
After all Arthur's done,
why build this amulet for him?
It's not for him. It's for all of us.
Gunmar's war is a threat
and the amulet will end it.
The Time Map!
Dragonstooth iron must be strong enough
to contain the Daylight Stone's power.
Aloochan gloria meia!
[shrieks]
[laughing]
Blast it all!
Hisirdoux, stop gawking about and give me
a hand with those raw ores over there!
[groans] Apologies, Master.
How many more failures before you realize
this amulet of yours is pointless?
I hear your concerns, but trust me,
the amulet will bring peace.
At the cost of all we hold dear!
How long before he comes for us?
You're a fool, Merlin.
And an old one at that.
Oh, forget her. We've got this, right?
What is this strangeness?
Put your hand down.
It's a high-five. It's a sign of victory
amongst barbarian tribes.
It's-- It's a new thing.
Human customs are terribly odd.
Indeed.
You don't seem yourself today, Hisirdoux.
Well, except for your inability
to tidy up.
No more distractions. Go milk the Slorr.
-But I--
-Dismissed!
I'm very impressed
at how remarkably bad you are
at impersonating yourself.
-[Steve] Hello? S-Sir Lancelot?
-[birds chirping]
Lance? Buddy?
-[galloping]
-[screams]
Oy!
[yelping, whimpers]
Prepare yourself, lad. Ha ha ha!
-[screams]
-Let us spar.
Krav Maga!
Come at me, scrub lord!
[laughs] A worthy insult.
Let's see if your combat
is as good as your boasting.
[whimpering]
[Steve screams, grunts]
Huzzah!
[straining]
[laughs] Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Uh? [screaming]
Die!
Yah!
When one fights,
all secrets are laid bare.
And I know yours.
You are no knight; you are a pretender.
What? [stammering]
You're not the first squire
who faked noble lineage to seek glory.
[chuckles] Your secret's safe with me.
You've much to learn,
and I will train you.
Really? [shouting] Ow!
-[groans]
-You are an odd squire,
but you have a trustworthy face,
Sir Steve of Palchukia.
Wow! Thanks, Sir Boss-man.
You're like the really big brother
I never wanted.
-[clanging]
-Really, really big.
[laughs]
Oof!
[Slorr chitters]
[Douxie] Hey, girl.
Just gonna
Just gonna come in
for a quick little milking.
-Just gonna be one little squeeze.
-[squishes]
[Slorr roars]
[Douxie] No, no, no! Aah!
[Slorr roars]
[Douxie crying, whining]
It's in my mouth!
Uh Morgana?
Reporting for handmaiden duty.
Hello?
Morgana?
Hello?
The Shadow Staff.
-[Morgana] Aren't you curious?
-[door closes]
My new handmaiden,
familiar with dark magics.
-I saw it in the court.
-What? N-No.
-That was just--
-What do you know of the Shadows?
No idea what you're talking about.
[chuckles]
Don't play coy, little lamb.
You're hiding your knowledge
from me and from Arthur.
You stood against my brother
to save a Troll,
a magical creature like myself,
like us.
The others fear our potential
and would quash it.
But I do not fear magic.
It is true strength.
[chimes]
Aurai capernus umbra!
[gasps]
[sighs]
Will I ever be strong enough to save
those who are different from his wrath?
You're stronger than you know.
Maybe you could convince him,
your brother, to change,
to set them all free.
He was a good man once
but after he lost Gwen,
the scars on his face
now match the scars on his heart.
Why would he listen to me now?
Because people can surprise you sometimes.
He's too arrogant to see his war
is misguided, but I must act.
Arthur's bloodshed ends today.
What is this treason you speak?
-Brother! I only meant--
-I've heard enough!
Your sympathies blind you.
These savage beasts never cease
to attack us on sight!
Because you drive them from their homes,
imprison them in the dungeon below,
and don't expect them to come for us?
-[indistinct chatter]
-[Arthur sighs]
You're right.
I've lost enough to them.
I'll not endanger my people
by keeping enemies within these walls!
Yes. Wait. Wait, you wouldn't--
We destroy those monsters at dawn.
No.
I, uh-- I forgot how much
I hate milking the Slorr.
[sniffs, gags]
-Ugh! Please!
-[Steve groans]
I think Lancelot broke my everything.
-[wheezes]
-And I still don't have the Time Map.
One wrong move, and we will screw up
history without even knowing it.
-[door opens, closes]
-We have to change history!
Arthur's had enough.
The Trolls are gonna die at sunrise!
Oh, blimey Balroths!
How are we supposed to stop this
and stay inconspicuous?
It wouldn't be a problem
if I just had my Shadow Staff.
I know you said to lay low,
but we can't let Jim die.
Yes. Let's see what this future Douxie
is capable of.
You're right, sod the rules.
It's time for a dungeon break.
[both laughing]
-[Galahad] No way!
-[Lancelot] Ah! Oy!
Young gentleman of Palchukia,
join us in our nocturnal libations.
We are looking for the Holy Grail!
[slurping]
Oh, well, it's not in that one either!
-[both laugh]
-[Steve chuckles]
Where do you think you're going,
buddy boy?
Dude, I'm keeping the guards busy
[whispers] while having
a righteous time! Ha!
Yeah-heah! Drinking with knights!
I'm so stoked
for my first brew uh, today.
[Galahad] Pucker up, buttercup.
This be my onion brew.
It'll put some hair on your everywhere!
-[laughs]
-[nervous laugh] Cool.
-[gurgles]
-[Steve] Uh
[knights chanting] Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug!
-This is going to end badly.
-Drink!
-Ooh, I can't wait.
-[cheers]
For the glory of Merlin [grunts]
- For the glory of Merlin
-Ugh, stop saying that name.
Merlin's in league with the fleshbags
who put us here.
I'm trying to manifest
a Sword of Daylight.
He made it to save the Trolls.
Pfft, those guards must have hit you
harder than I thought, kid.
-Nobody's saving anybody here.
-[Claire] Jim!
We're breaking you out.
Your stay in Terror Tower is over, mate.
And presto, one liberated Troll.
Take that, death!
I elude you once again--
-Shh!
-[muffled speech]
[sizzling]
-[chatter]
-[chuckles, beatboxing]
Call me Steve, all-state champ ♪
I'm chilling with my bros
In this prison camp, unh ♪
-Such wordplay!
-Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
-[knights laugh]
-The lad's a poet!
[beatboxing]
I'm MC Steve and I'm here to say-- ♪
Oh, King Arthur!
Boom, chicka, chicka-- Ooh!
-Arthur!
-Men, draw your swords.
It is time we rid Camelot of its enemies.
My lord Arthur's in the building ♪
Watch out, y'all
He's here to do some creep-killing ♪
-Get out of here ♪
-Now, now, everyone just stay calm.
[all shouting]
Lancelot, your squire seems
touched in the head.
[beatboxing]
-Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!
-[rumbling]
-[grunts]
-Wha--
The beasts are free!
-Stand to!
-[clangs]
Oh!
-[screaming]
-[Troll roars]
[loud thud]
-[loud thud]
-[guard] Huh?
[all shouting]
[Steve screaming, whimpering]
-[Troll chuckles]
-[grunting]
-Is this part of your plan?
-I'm improvising!
Quick, through the alleys!
They can't catch all of us!
Knights of Camelot, after them!
-Sound the alarms!
-Oof!
-Merlin! I mean, Sir Merlin, Sir Wizard
-[gnomes speaking gibberish]
-[grumbles]
-We have a situation!
-[speaking gibberish]
-Ow!
[chuckles] No.
-[gnomes speaking gibberish]
-I take that as you're not coming.
[gnome giggling]
[Claire and Douxie grunt]
[Arthur] Did you see where they went?
[Douxie] Quick! In here!
This way, sir! Don't worry, sire,
I'll freeze them on the spot.
Then do it! This way, men!
Charge!
What trickery is this now?
Oh, fuzz buckets!
I must have cast an Infinite Hallway
by accident.
You know how frustrating magic is.
Uh, let me-- let me just find
the right spell.
Wizard, remove this enchantment
or I'll remove your head!
-[gasps]
-[Galahad grunting]
-[shouts]
-[dragon roars]
Hagar's ghost!
-Dragon on the loose!
-[Trolls gasp]
Get out! Dragon!
-Morgana, I--
-I couldn't stand by either.
Go!
Come on, skinny legs.
I know a safe place, in the woods.
You get them home, Trollhunter.
I'll keep the knights busy
and find you later.
Ugh, come on!
We don't have time for this!
-I promise!
-[Jim gasps]
The sun! Get back!
Men, after them!
-Get this open at once!
-[knights shouting]
[grunting]
[straining]
[panting]
[Claire gasping]
[grunts]
-[wind whistling]
-[gasps]
[grunting]
Sorcery!
Morgana!
-[Arthur] Onward! Faster, men, faster!
-[horse neighs]
[growls, shouts]
[panting] By the seven rings,
how did you manage that?
-[groans]
-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy!
-Don't let them get to the trees!
-[horse neighs]
[panting, groans]
Aah!
[blade rings]
[gasps]
-[groans]
-[horse neighs]
[Gunmar growls]
[roars]
Who wanders into my woods?
-[horse neighs]
-Hold, men! Hold!
Gunmar?
Little king, these Wild Woods
are my domain.
I command the souls
of all under its shade,
-and I decide who lives or dies!
-[knight screams]
-[thuds]
-[knight grunts]
You can only push us so far, human.
-[horse neighs]
-This isn't over!
War is coming!
Can't believe I'm saying this,
but thank you, Morgana.
Thank you, handmaiden.
You inspired me.
Now keep your head down.
I will handle my brother.
Arthur is furious.
He's locked down the castle.
Luckily, he thinks you're so incompetent,
you can't be a suspect.
At least we got Jim
and the prisoners away safe.
-Where are you going?
-To get that Time Map.
Hopefully with Arthur on the hunt,
I've got a chance
to finally snatch that thing.
[safe buzzes]
[safe buzzing]
-[Merlin] Looking for this?
-[gasps]
Or perhaps this?
[snoring]
Oh, fuzz buckets!
[past Douxie snoring]
[theme music playing]