Wonderfalls s01e02 Episode Script

- Previously on Wonderfalls.
- See a penny, pick it up.
No more talking from things that don't talk.
We had a deal.
Gretchen.
[ Chuckles .]
Last time I saw you was at graduation.
Did you end up ''overeducated and unemployable'' like you said in the yearbook? - Yep.
- Check it out.
I sacked such a good one.
Are you his girlfriend? I don't have a girlfriend.
They stop serving breakfast at 1 1 :00.
These came for you.
''Can't wait.
Save the date.
Rooster Class of'98.
'' Oh, God.
More? Maybe it's time you put in that change of address with the post office.
If I do that, these people will know where I live.
Lots of people live in trailer parks.
There's no shame to it.
Who said I was ashamed? Good! Then there's no reason for you to skip your ten-year reunion.
Right, because it's only been six and a half years.
I don't miss those people yet, and I don't think that's a problem time can solve.
- Those sons of biscuits.
- I know! Huh? Oh.
You have any idea how much those sanitation jokers make? A lot? Enough to have a little pride in a job well done.
This is just sloppy! - There's no pride here.
- It is garbage.
You know, I have to say, your sister really enjoyed her reunion.
Yeah, Sharon also enjoyed 4-H.
[ Groans .]
Hate to see you miss out.
That's all.
Yeah.
I'll just wear my smock from the store.
It already has my name stitched into the vest.
I won't even have to wear a sticker.
Don't denigrate what you do.
I sell plastic canoes and refrigerator magnets.
It's only temporary.
Can't believe they'd leave a mess like this.
Get off your ass.
He's fine! - You're fine.
Right? -Just a couple more.
I'll manage.
See? He's managing.
Just get off your ass.
I'm not listening.
[ Flamingos Squawking .]
[ Darrin .]
The service industry is a noble profession.
I don't want you comparing yourself unfairly to the achievements of your siblings.
Go away.
[ Click .]
[ Click .]
Oh! There are many ways to measure success, and you are not-- Sweetheart, the car is rolling.
! - The car's.
Ooh.
! Oh, God.
Oww.
! - [ Crashing .]
Hmm.
[ Woman On P.
A.
, Indistinct .]
[ Woman On P.
A.
, Indistinct .]
- How many fractures before it's multiple? - Two.
- How many do you have? - Seven.
- And people say you're an underachiever.
- This isn't a criticism.
I'm just curious.
How do you run someone down from the passenger seat? I don't see the left side view of the tibia.
What's Ken been doing down there, developing his holiday photos? -[ Nurse .]
Yes, Doctor.
-[ Darrin .]
No, I'm serious.
Does nothing get done around this hospital without me? Maybe she did it on purpose.
Could be an attempt at getting an early inheritance.
Your sister's not a cold-blooded murderer.
She's never been a planner.
- It was an accident! - [ Karen .]
Of course it was, dear.
Technically, it was contributory negligence.
I feel really bad.
Can we just pretend this didn't happen? That's what the morphine's for.
[ Sharon .]
I hear morphine's a constipater.
If you're on a drip, we usually give you a stool softener.
Which I have not been given, by the way.
- Yes, Doctor.
- I don't need them charging me for this.
Hey, that cart stopped all by itself and it didn't have to hit anybody to do it.
[ Karen .]
Sharon.
! - Is this supposed to be elevated? - No, it's fine, dear.
Don't touch it-- Leave it alone! Do you want more narcotics? Excuse me, nurse-- No, what I want is a pudding parfait from the cafeteria.
- Oh, I'll get it.
- Let me! No, don't you take off before I have a look at that blood panel! - I'll stop by later with some clean underwear.
- Bye, Dad.
Bye.
Can I stay? We could still have breakfast.
I could go get waffles.
I'm having pudding parfait.
You should go to work.
Do you hate me? No, I don't hate you, sweetheart.
I know when you're careless it's not because you don't care.
It's just these things happen with you.
[ Siren Wailing .]
[ Alarm Chirps .]
- Hey.
- What are you doing here? The last thing you said before you hung up on me was, ''My sister killed my father.
I'm going to the E.
R.
'' Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
He's fine.
He's in a lot of pain, but he's fine.
-Just a broken leg.
- So, are we still on for tonight? You still owe me a date.
Absolutely! I wouldn't miss it for the world.
- [ Karen .]
Sharon.
! - Drive away.
Drive away! Drive away! Sharon.
! Glad I caught you.
! I saw this on my way out.
It's an in-patient smoking cessation clinic.
I thought it could be fun.
Hello.
I'm Karen Tyler, Sharon's mother.
- I don't know her.
- I thought you two were talking.
What I said was, I didn't know I'd see her here.
This is Beth.
- How do you know each other? - We-- - We, uh-- - [Jaye .]
Carpool.
- They carpool together.
- Carpool.
Have you gone Green? I think she's a closet environmentalist.
I'd really love to have this conversation another time.
[ Whispers .]
Carpool.
Bye.
[ Karen .]
Have a wonderful day.
! That Beth seems like a sweet girl.
I bet she has a boyfriend.
You're late.
My father had an accident.
I just wanna tell you.
Your friend from high school's - [ Gretchen .]
Jaye.
! - [ Alec .]
here.
This is not happening.
Hi! Oh,just one sec.
I looked over the menu, Brice, and can I just say, major concerns.
We're following the letter of dietary law.
WeJewish people represent the largest minority in our graduating class.
Got me? Fantastic.
! How fun is this? - Could you excuse us a sec? - Thank you.
Surprise! I'm your new manager.
[ Giggling .]
Could you imagine? Please! No, silly.
I'm in town for the six and a half-year reunion.
You couldn't wait three and a half more years? I'll be pilgrimaging in Israel by then.
And, as senior class president, there is no reunion without me.
Besides, life is grand! The marriage, the conversion.
I couldn't wait three and a half years to share that, even if I had to.
Which I don't.
But there's just one problem-- I've got no one to help.
The class officers are all so busy with their careers and families so naturally I thought of you.
Time for my break.
Jaye, you have to help! - No, I don't.
- Yes, you do! - No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
Hi.
You stepped in something and dragged it all the way in here for us to smell.
Oh, my God! I can't believe you two still hang out.
Janet, you look fantastic! - It's Mahandra.
- Oh! You changed your name? - No, I didn't.
- I changed mine too.
It's Mrs.
Robert Horowitz now.
That's our couples card.
Amy Grant and Vince Gill have them.
So do Reese and Ryan.
Robert owns his own escrow company.
You'll meet him tomorrow night.
He's much moreJewish than I am, mostly because he was born that way.
I'm sort of a Christmas-and-EasterJew.
So,Jaye, how 'bout I put you down for unstacking chairs and tables? - What is she talking about? - The reunion.
- [ Cackles .]
- Oh, I loved high school.
- Why don't you go then? - I am.
- To our reunion? - Mm-hmm.
He's working the bar.
This bar.
We're having it here.
That's the private party tomorrow night? Okay, I'm gonna sweeten the deal.
You can be balloon filler and use the helium tank.
You always enjoyed that sort of thing.
I told you.
I can't help.
My father's in the hospital.
It wouldn't feel right having so much fun.
Your father's in the hospital? - He got run over.
- I'm sure you didn't mean to.
- Ohh! - It's gonna be beautiful.
Chinese lanterns a memory lane with photos.
It's going right over there.
If I could do it without you, I would.
Believe me.
- My cell phone's ringing.
- You don't have a cell phone.
- Can I use your phone? - Sure.
[ Gretchen .]
Jaye,you have to help.
! [ Line Ringing .]
- [ Darrin .]
Hello? - Hi.
How are you? - Fine.
- So, when are you checking out? I wanna give you a ride.
- I don't need a ride.
I'm not checking out tonight.
- Why? What's wrong? Nothing's wrong.
They're holding me over for some routine tests.
I'll be home tomorrow.
- [ Beep Beep .]
- Call waiting.
Hold on.
- [ Beep .]
- Eric's phone.
Who's calling? [ Woman .]
His wife.
Are you there? Hello.
! - I said, it's his wife.
- His cheating wife? The one who broke his heart? [ Woman .]
Who is this? Eric can't talk right now because he's servicing me sexually.
- Sorry.
- Where is Er-- - [ Beep .]
- Sorry.
Do you want me to pick up that Sounds of the Rain Forest sleep machine? No, don't worry about me.
I'm fine.
At least let me give you a ride home tomorrow.
It's already covered.
Sharon's gonna do it.
Her car's bigger.
Oh.
You're not gonna have waffles with her, are you? - [ Knock On Door .]
- We'll talk later.
Nursejust brought my dinner.
[ Beeps .]
Everything all right? I think my sister just took my place 'cause I refused to get off my ass.
You know what? You're not into this.
I can tell.
It'll be a lot of work, but I'm sure I'll manage.
Takes some people long enough to get the hint, doesn't it? Get the hint.
Get off your ass.
- What did you say? - Help Gretchen.
Get off your ass! - Okay, I'll do it! - [ Glass Shatters .]
Ew.
I'd love to help you with the reunion.
[ Giggles .]
[ Mahandra .]
Gretchen Speck is the Antichrist and you're helping her throw a reunion.
You're throwing a reunion with the Antichrist.
Come on.
Could be fun.
Seeing long-missed friends ribbing each other about the old days.
It'll be like a beer commercial.
You like beer.
Have you been huffing puff paint? Because this isn't like you.
What do you mean, ''like me''? There is no ''like me.
'' I'm not ''like'' anything, and if I were it certainly wouldn't be me.
Why are you doing this? I don't have a choice.
I'm a puppet.
The universe just sticks its hand up my butt and if I don't dance people get hurt.
Is this because you tried to kill your father? I don't know.
Maybe.
Maybe that is why.
But just come with me.
It'll be hilarious.
We'll just goof on everybody.
Mmm.
Lucy Simpson.
- She's going.
Remember her? - Yeah.
She's a city councilwoman now.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
The retail clerk and the cocktail waitress are gonna goof on the honorable councilwoman.
Oh! Oh! And the astronaut! Who? Kent Rylander.
This whole early reunion thing has really thrown off my timetable.
I was counting on those three and a half years to maybe invent something, become an overnight success.
Think they'd believe I was a spy? That would explain why there's no paper trail.
Oh, God.
This was the week Gretchen Speck put activator in my shampoo.
God,you're right.
- It was a good look for Black History Month.
- Yeah, until it all fell out.
She really was horrible to you.
I'm going.
- What? - I'll go to your little shindig.
You will? Great.
Okay, here's the list Gretchen gave me.
Oh, no.
I've got my own list of things to do.
And at the top of it-- destroy Gretchen Speck.
You may be the universe's butt puppet but I'm its right-hand fist of fate and tonight accounts are comin' due.
Mom! We're back! Sharon, she's not here.
- Didn't she know you were getting back this afternoon? - I didn't tell her.
- Why? - Oh, I didn't see any reason to bother her.
She had plans tonight, and you know your mother.
She would have canceled.
I didn't want that.
- Well, what about your foot? - What about it? It needs to be checked every 45 minutes in case it starts turning blue.
I can see it from here.
It's connected to me.
I'll be fine.
Listen, thanks for getting me home.
I appreciate it.
Not a problem.
Court was dark today anyway.
Anything else I can get you before I go? - I have to meet someone.
- Wouldn't say no to a blanket.
- Here you go.
- Oh.
Thanks.
- Okay.
- [ Grunts .]
- Thank you, sweetheart.
- Bye.
[ Sighs .]
Uh, honey? Could I maybe get the chenille from the den? Scratchy.
Sure.
Oh, and, sweetie? Maybe a can of soda.
Uh, with some ice.
And I wouldn't say no to a cookie! [ Chattering .]
- So, how does this work? - I'm not sure.
I've never actually volunteered for anything before.
Jaye Tyler? Hi! I didn't know you'd be here! I'll see you around later tonight.
Okay? - Any idea at all? - No clue.
[ Gasps .]
It's the twoJ's.
! Janet, I can't thank you enough for pitching in! - Mahandra.
- Shalom! Who are all these people? I thought you didn't have anyone to help.
I got ahold of the marching band list.
The response was so overwhelming I had to turn anything away with a spit valve.
Okay, so, two things.
: there's your helium and ''B,'' Robert's flying in early tonight so I'm throwing a little pre-party bash at our hotel just so the posse can meet him before all the craziness starts.
But it's strictly A-list so none of these people.
None of them.
- We'll be there.
- Great! [ Sighs .]
Oh, she is gonna pay.
She's gonna pay.
Then she's gonna pay some more.
And when she's done payin', she's gonna owe me a check.
Just keep the details to yourself.
I told you-- I can't actively participate in any Gretchen Speck sabotage.
There could be consequences.
- [ Balloon Squeaks .]
- [ High-pitched Voice .]
You suck! Sharon? Remember, no onions in the salad.
- [ Line Rings .]
- [ Beth .]
Hello.
Hi, it's me.
Sharon, why are you whispering? You know how we made plans tonight, and I said I wouldn't miss them? - Yeah? - I have to miss them.
- Again.
- I know! But my dad just got out of the hospital, and I got roped into babysitting.
My family assumes I have no life so everything gets dumped on me.
Well, your family doesn't know anything about your life, so you can't really blame them.
Are you defending them? No, I just-- I guess I'm disappointed, that's all.
- I'm sorry, but things are complicated.
- I know.
Look, maybe sometime in the future if things get less complicated you can call me, okay? - Are you blowing me off? - [ Laughs .]
You called to blow me off.
Sharon? Are you there? I think things just got a lot less complicated.
- Hi, hi, hi! - Hi.
Come on in! Come in! You two look great.
Mom? You made the A-list, dear.
I'm so proud.
What are you doing here? I've been on the A-list since you were a sophomore.
You're going to my reunion.
Of course you are.
Why wouldn't you? You went to my prom.
As a chaperone.
So, is this it? Where's your posse? What do you mean? You are my posse.
Here.
- Thanks.
- Sure thing girlfriend.
- Cheers.
- What about those girls you used to hang out with? Oh, we don't need them.
So, question.
: Should we start the photo album now, or wait till Robert gets here? Are those our choices? You know what? He can see these any old time he wants to.
Sit, sit! Our wedding-- very traditional.
Why are those pilgrims carrying you on that folding chair? Jaye, stop teasing.
You saw Fiddler.
- Oh, is that Robert? - That's my mensch.
He's very distinguished.
- Excellent teeth.
- Oh, family of orthodontists.
- [ Cell Phone.
: ''Hava Nagila''.]
- Oh! Probably him now.
Excuse me.
Pook! Hi! We were just talking about you.
Are you in the lobby? What? [ Lowers Voice .]
But we discussed this.
You promised.
Okay.
Bye.
[ Phone Beeps Off.]
- Everything okay? - Great! He's not coming.
So, where were we? Honeymoon already? Okay.
So, Bora-Bora.
And here we are at Bona Fide Polynesian Cuisine.
Here we are spear fishing.
And here you can see that Robert doesn't love me.
Oh, I'm sure that's not true.
If he loved me, he'd be here.
He promised.
But Robert makes a lot of promises.
He promised we'd have sex again, but he hasn't touched me in months.
Well, that happens.
Men have patches where they lose interest.
Especially career-minded men.
Well, I've done everything to please him.
I've changed religions, for God's sakes! I'm not going to heaven now.
What more does he want? - Honey, you should go in there.
- Me? Otherwise I'll have to.
[ Gretchen Weeping .]
Hey.
God, I'm so embarrassed.
I promised myself I wouldn't do this in front of friends.
Oh, we're not your-- It's fine.
What people must think of me.
Nobody thinks of you badly.
Really? People don't see me as this pathetic blonde who peaked in high school and is so desperate to recapture her past glory that she moved the ten-year reunion up by three and a half years? Uh-- But I just figured if I could get my mojo back recapture some of the old magic then Robert could see me for who I was.
And then he'd love me.
- Pitiful, huh? - No, it's just-- Gretchen, you don't seem all that different.
- Really? - Really.
You're just trying to make me feel better.
Is it working? Jaye Tyler, look at you.
Getting my mind off my troubles by taking my pain and making it about you.
It's a gift.
It certainly is! - And I accept.
- Good.
[ Sighs .]
And you're right.
I'm not gonna let Robert spoil this night for me or for any of the people who have been looking forward to seeing me.
- That's the spirit.
- Rooster spirit! Just let me do a little damage control here.
Would you mind? - It's a chicken.
- It's my pin from Spirit Club.
My booster rooster.
You were never really part of any clubs, were you? No.
You're a real friend.
[ Squawk .]
Destroy Gretchen.
- How do I look? - Great.
Thanks! I can do this.
I can do this.
Destroy her.
[ Mid-tempo Dance .]
Oh, look, sweetheart.
Aren't those your friends from English Lit? I didn't have any friends in-- Oh, SImone! Ursula! Deb, you look-- Oh.
I faced these people for four long years without a husband.
I can certainly go solo for a few hours.
Or even a half hour.
I mean, we don't have to close the place down or anything.
I'd be a puddle on the floor of that luxury suite if it weren't for you,Jaye Tyler.
Thank you.
Here goes! [ Exhales .]
Oh, my God! Cindy! Shalom! Destroy Gretchen.
Destroy her.
[ Squawks .]
- So, regarding the destroying-- - Spare me the lecture.
Gretchen Speck may be your new best friend, but to me she's still the devil.
I'm in! Let the destruction begin.
Pig blood shower.
Chop her hair off in the ladies' room.
Whatever.
I mean, we probably shouldn't hurt her physically.
At the very least, we should avoid scarring.
What did you have in mind? - Oh, Lord.
- What? - Is that really what I sound like? - What do you mean? Okay.
You can put the mirror away.
I get it.
That is not theJanet I wanna be.
You know what? This might not actually altogether suck.
Yo!Judy! What's up? [Judy, Mahandra Squealing .]
[ Continues .]
I can do this.
I can do this.
Vodka.
Hemlock chaser.
Right.
This one's free.
Your friend Gretchen's getting everyone's first round.
Oh, Gretchen.
She's great.
I have to destroy her.
- Well, that's too bad.
- Yeah.
Here.
So, do you know all these people? Sure.
I know that guy and that guy and her and her and her and him and you.
I guess you knew everyone in high school, since you love it so much.
Actually, I didn't know anyone.
But I knew their names and how many letters were in their names.
It's a borderline autistic thing.
- How many letters in my name? - Nine.
- Boutros Boutros-Ghali? - Nineteen.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? Thirty-four.
But people ask me that all the time.
So, how are you gonna destroy your friend? Oh, she's not my friend.
But I thought I'd drink this, stumble over and slur something derogatory at her maybe make her cry.
Oh, that reminds me.
Your wife called when I was on your phone.
Heidi? What'd she say? She wanted to talk to you, and I said you were servicing me sexually.
Really? Uh-huh.
Was that inappropriate? Uh-uh.
Wish I could destroy Heidi instead.
At least I think she'd deserve it.
Cookies and milk? Thank you, sweetheart.
Toes blue? No.
Good night.
- Good night.
- [ Hinges Squeak, Door Closes .]
[ Rock.
: Upbeat .]
[ Continues .]
So, how goes the destruction of Gretchen Speck-Horowitz? - You know her whole name? - These are all over the floor.
She'll soon be destroyed.
I'm just working out a few details.
- You don't seem like you're really into it.
- I'm not.
But it's expected of me.
Oh, right.
I get that.
Certain people see you a certain way.
And these people are from a particular time in your life so when you're around them you feel compelled to act out psychodramas that have nothing to do with who you are now.
And the chicken in her hair told me to.
God! She's just so tragic! She used to tell everybody the girl with muscular dystrophy was a drunk.
You know why? Because she thought she was a drunk.
Well, if she's that tragic maybe she'll just destroy herself.
Frankly, I think that ship has already sailed.
God! Oh, God! Pity! I'm having pity for Gretchen Speck.
[ Chuckles .]
Is that really such a bad thing? It is if I'm supposed to destroy her.
- Then don't destroy her.
- It's more than that.
I actually want to help her.
It's making me sick.
Well, then help her.
But the chicken.
- Defy the chicken.
- Seriously? Honestly, I'm not quite grasping the poultry reference.
But then, I didn't go to your high school, so-- So I should just follow my gut? Without a doubt.
What if my gut's telling me to somehow get her no-good husband here so she could have her perfect, pathetic night? Sounds like a perfect, pathetic solution.
Yeah.
Screw the chicken.
I'm gonna save that bitch's marriage.
[ Doorbell Rings .]
Dad? - [ Snoring .]
- [ Sharon .]
Dad.
! Hi.
Wow.
Dad! Is the coast clear? - Yep.
- Good.
[ Gasping, Laughing .]
Oh! That sounds great, you know! - See you later.
- Bye, Gretchen.
[ Continues .]
Excuse me.
How you holding up? It's hard.
Everyone keeps asking about Robert.
You should probably stop handing out those couples cards.
- I need to use your phone.
- Sure.
Everything reminds me of him.
I look at those potato latkes and I see his face.
Well try to be brave.
[ Sighs .]
[ Chattering, Laughing .]
Oh, my goodness! Already? I wasn't even ready! Are you sure? [ Chattering Continues .]
[ Beeping .]
[ Ringing .]
I'm on my way, all right? So, please, no more with the guilt! - I-- I-- - Okay, okay.
That was inappropriate.
I'm sorry-- Ugh! God! Three seconds in, and I'm already apologizing.
- Look, you know, the only reason - Uh-- I suggested I skip this thing this weekend was so that you would have a good time.
I know how important it is to you and it just seems we never get two words out anymore before we're fighting.
Jeez, how does she ever get two words out? Who is this? You'd better be coming with flowers and candy, buddy.
That's all I gotta say.
You got me? - [ Truck Horn Blows .]
- [ Screams .]
- [ Tires Squealing .]
- [ Crash .]
- [ Beeping .]
- Hello? Let the awards ceremony begin! The first award proves how far a person will go to run from their past literally! The winner of the traveled furthest award-- - So, did you defy the chicken? - Uh-huh.
- How'd that work out for ya? - I think I may have killed a man.
Oh.
So, not as well as we'd hoped then.
I need to start expecting it like my family does.
Even when I try to help, it's a disaster.
I need a drink.
- Something ''froofy.
'' - ''Froofy''? Anything that'll leave a good stain.
[ Gretchen Continues Chattering, Indistinct .]
- [ Liquid Pouring .]
- I'm done fighting.
From now on I'm fate's bitch.
- [ Applause .]
- Thanks.
The next award goes to the person with the best fashion sense.
And the winner is Karen Tyler! - Oh.
- Where are you, Mrs.
T.
? [ Applause, Cheering .]
[ Woman .]
Whoo.
! I destroy you.
- [ Gasps .]
- [ All Gasping .]
[ Audience Groaning, Murmuring .]
[ Gasping, Sobbing .]
Congratulations.
[ Sharon, Beth Moaning, Laughing .]
Did you hear something? A shuffling? [ Exhales .]
I don't hear anything.
Look, maybe this wasn't such a great idea.
I mean, your parents' house.
You're tense enough about them as it is.
Tense? I'm not tense.
I am so far from tense, I'm past tense.
It's okay if this is stressful for you, you know.
It is for me too.
- It is? - Yeah.
This isn't easy for me.
Up until quite recently, I was married and living with a man.
Of course.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I can relax.
I promise.
I can only imagine how much more stressful it would be if I were actually gay.
Aren't you? [ Sighs .]
Not exclusively.
I like men.
- I'm not a man.
- Yeah, I noticed.
Like, pretty specifically noticed.
Is this gonna be an issue? What? No, it's not an issue.
It's a full subscription.
[ Laughs .]
No-- You have been with a woman before.
- Yeah.
I was in a sorority.
- So was I! I never got any! Have you ever had sex with a man? Sex with a-- God, no.
No! - Does it bother you? - That I never had sex-- That I did? - Will you again? - I don't know.
You tell me.
- [ Incoherent Murmuring .]
- Oh, God! [ Murmuring Continues .]
His toes weren't blue, were they? - [ Pop .]
- [ Footsteps .]
Mom? Sweetheart? - I guess you're pretty mad at me, huh? - Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I ruined your moment.
I'm sorry.
This night is not about me, dear.
And I think I understand why you did what you did.
- You do? - It's my fault.
I somehow gave you the impression that I wanted a daughter like Gretchen Speck.
- Uh-- - Confident, motivated, blonde.
You just described Sharon.
- Well-married.
- Okay, so, not Sharon.
- But that girl's miserable.
- Sharon? Gretchen.
She's trapped in her perfect life, and that's not something I want for you.
I wouldn't worry about that.
But I do worry.
But that's just me being a mother.
And as your mother I don't care what those people think of you now because in my heart you will always be head cheerleader.
Oh.
You're looking for the back door, aren't you? - Is there one? - Right over there.
Thanks.
[ Sobbing .]
It was all a trick [ Sobbing .]
It was all a trick worming your way into my decorating committee.
You will rue the day,Jaye Tyler! I will get you back so hard! - Having a good time? - [ Gasps .]
What? No! Look at me.
My makeup's ruined.
My dress is covered in some rum-based fruit drink.
Mai Tai.
Might you what? No, no.
I think it was a Mai Tai.
Oh.
Well, whatever it is, Jaye Tyler owes me a new dress.
Then I guess I owe her.
I've been trying to talk to you all night but I haven't been able to get you alone long enough, until she did this.
Well, nice to meet you.
But one, you're in the ladies' room and two, this dress is beyond ruined.
Doesn't matter.
You're still the most beautiful woman here.
That's so sweet.
Who are you? Chuck Aronson.
Did we have any classes together? I was in all your classes.
Senior year I rearranged my schedule so I could be near you.
Oh, wow! That's so creepy.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I don't want it to be creepy.
I know that it is.
It's just, uh I love you.
I've loved you since the first moment I saw you.
I've been thinking about you for the last six and a half years.
So flattering yet somehow not less creepy.
I've tried everything.
I started dating other women.
I joined the military.
I thought if I went deeper into my own spiritual journey through meditation-- But I can't shake you from my thoughts.
Wow.
You're like obsessed.
It's been a long time since someone's been obsessed with me.
What about your husband? Oh.
Robert's not the type.
I mean, he's great if I was gonna make a list of things I wanted in a husband.
Which I did, actually.
Well, Robert is that list.
So, he's the man of your dreams.
- He's the man on my list.
- Do you love him? I'm sorry.
What did you say? Do you love him? No.
I don't.
I don't love my husband! Did I ever? I mean, I converted for him.
That's a lot of work.
There's like tests and stuff!.
Why would I do that for a man I didn't even love? I guess I was so busy worrying that Robert didn't love me I never once considered whether or not I loved him.
! Poor Robert! And lucky me.
Are you feeling the connection here? [ Sighs .]
No connection.
There's Mace, but there's no connection.
[ Continues .]
[ Continues .]
I don't know what you've become.
Fist of fate, thy name is Janet.
Remember that? Janet was just venting.
You've been channeling Tonya Harding.
So, you ever plan on coming out of here? - I haven't decided yet.
- Mmm.
Well, word is you're about to be voted Most Spiteful.
They can't add a category! Great.
And you're mad at me too.
You made me feel sorry for Gretchen Speck.
And I'm not sure I can forgive you for that.
- [ Stops, Record Scratches .]
- [ Microphone Feedback .]
[ Gretchen Over Mike .]
Jaye Tyler.
! Jaye Tyler.
! She's calling you out.
There you are.
Good.
There's something I wanted to say to you before I leave this place and that's thank you,Jaye Tyler.
- Thank you for being you.
- Is she gonna sing? It's because of who you are because of all the little things that make up the fundamental core of your character-- the petty jealousies, the lying the general negative behavior.
Because of all that, I've learned a little something about myself tonight.
[ Onlookers Gasping, Murmuring .]
[ Exhales .]
I'm bigger than you.
- And I'll always be bigger.
- [ Feedback .]
Any of you holding Speck-Horowitz couples cards, toss 'em.
They no longer apply.
I'm losin' the hyphen and keepin' the ring.
- [ Murmuring, Chattering .]
- [ Woman .]
Whoo.
! Yeah.
! What a bitch.
Is it wrong that I like her now? I think she just walked out of here a free woman.
Feel kinda sorry for her husband though.
Let's just hope he's dead.
[ Radio.
:Police Dispatcher, Indistinct .]
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
[ Grunts .]
- So, this your vehicle? - What's left of it, yeah.
You wouldn't have a cell phone, would you? I can't get ahold of my wife.
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
Simple follow-up.
Needed a ride.
You needed a ride, and you called me? Of course.
You owe me breakfast.
- You said it was urgent.
- It is! They stop serving in 20 minutes.
- So, I hear you went to your reunion.
- You talked to Mom? Yeah, well, we sleep together.
Thank you.
[ Panting .]
Listen, I'm, uh-- I'm sorry if you felt pressured to go because of me.
Oh, please.
I forgive you.
So, you had no fun at all? I think it's fair to say you had more fun when I ran you over.
But I'm glad I went.
Well, I'm glad you ran me over.
- Ha ha.
- No, I'm serious.
You're my good luck charm.
You know those pointless, routine tests that they held me for? They found a blood clot in my leg, deep in a vein.
It could have killed me.
Thanks to you, they found it in time.
But you're gonna be okay? I'm great.
I'm going to breakfast with my daughter.
[ Engine Starts .]
Use your mirrors.
Say, did you know our basic cable comes with lesbian porn? - [ Tires Screech .]
- [ Crash .]
[ Man .]
Get the ball, Bud.