Worst Week s01e02 Episode Script

- Oh, my God! - Sorry, baby.
You have a nice room.
Very nice.
So much nicer than mine.
Wich is fine.
Give me your parents, but.
This one is much nicer.
- So you're awake? - Yes.
I've working on new strategy.
Thought about last night, all last night.
Your dad makes me nervous, right? Things didn't happen to him as a result to my nervousness - Wrong with that trip switch.
- Dick, be careful! Sam's urine! I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.
That's sweet, love.
But it's unnecessary because of my new strategy.
Which is just to focus on your mom.
Forget your dad.
- Your dad he's scary.
- My dad's not scary.
Really? The look.
- You don't find the look scary? - Not when you do it.
No.
Besides, he doesn't give me that look.
He gives it to me all the time.
But your mom's another story.
- She obviously has a soft spot for me.
- You sick, sick, sick sick.
What's going on? That was a minor misunderstanding.
That's in the past.
Now I'm focusing all my energy on her.
Like a tractor beam.
Floop.
Put my little spell on her.
She goes to work on your dad for me.
He falls in love with me.
Tell them that we're getting married.
- And that I'm pregnant.
- And that you're pregnant.
Now, what's a tractor beam? Is that a nerd thing? No, it's not a nerd thing.
It's fromstar wars.
It's a nerd thing.
- That's gotta be my sister.
- All right, Buddy.
Let's go.
Scotty, no! Slow down.
Scotty! Be quiet! It's morning! OK, so this is it.
You're meeting a lot of my family this week.
Are you ready? I am ready.
I'm, I'm ready to do this.
Plus if I strike out with your mom I can take run at Sarah.
That sounds like you're trying to hook up with my sister.
If that's what it takes to get your family to like me.
There's a sweatshirt I haven't seen in a while.
And a sandwich.
Honey.
I'm pregnant.
I don't feel like cleaning up.
If that's a symptom then I think you've been pregnant ever since I've known you.
- I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
- That's new.
No, right now.
Morning sickness.
No, wait do this.
No, don't do that! Wait! Go.
Boom.
Honey, I'm sorry.
- All right, I'll take care of this.
- I want to go brush my teeth.
Yeah, and your hair a little bit.
Well, look who slept in, miss pajamas.
- Must be nice.
- Sarah, hi.
How was the trip down? My boobs are exploding and I have to go pump.
Still sticking with that style? Okay.
You weren't gonna use the bathroom, were you? Great.
Good.
Sam, I was looking for that exact vase.
Sarah brought these.
Aren't they gorgeous? I was looking for you too 'cause I wanted to use this.
For what? I'm gonna, fill it with pennies.
Ever do the penny thing where people put pennies in it? And then they guess how many pennies are there.
- And then the winner gets the pennies.
- May I have it? Yeah.
- God what's in there? - Vomit.
My stomach's been all.
I didn't want to bother you guys with it.
It's probably something I ate.
Something you ate? You've been here two days.
All you've eaten are the meals that I've fixed for you.
Is there something wrong with my food? Angela, your food is great.
I love your food.
- Except when it makes you vomit.
- It's.
Well, I guess I will be making a run at your sister.
I thought.
I thought it was mel.
Have you seen mel? I'm sorry.
I'm sam, by the way.
Could you please leave? Get out! I know, this rug out! Does this! I do not care about your hand.
You freak, get out! What are you doing? - I'm very sorry.
- Get out! -= 102 - The Bird =- VO By: ¤ ¤A ¤Ak ¤Aka ¤AkaZ ¤AkaZa ¤AkaZab ¤AkaZab¤ [Subs-Addicts'.]
[Sub-way.
fr.]
Now Angela, I don't know how I feel about you putting flowers in my vomit receptacle.
I brought that specifically for vomit.
- Just kidding.
They look very pretty.
- Thank you.
Are you feeling better? Thank you very much.
Now you get in that kitchen and you make me breakfast, woman.
Well, that was very nice.
Please, not my organic braeburns.
The green apples are overripe.
They're mealy.
They'll be fine with those.
Yes, there you are.
Yes, that's my boy.
Jeez.
Get a room, you two.
I'm with you, Sam.
I don't know what he sees in those nasty little creatures.
You know, they'll peck you if you put your finger in there.
Deep down, she likes 'em.
That's huge.
They eat big fruit like that? This guy'll eat anything.
Fruits, vegetables, caramel corn.
I just love to spoil you on your birthday.
Don't i, big guy? Listen to yourself.
It's embarrassing.
You're just jealous.
How about you, Sam? You a bird guy? - Yeah.
- Really? Well, not the kind you think.
Because I've been on both sides of that story.
So I know.
What? One second.
I think mel's looking for me.
I'll be right back, guys.
I'm almost finished with my famous cheese and avocado omelet.
Who would like one? Count me in.
I would love one.
What are you doing? You don't like avocado.
She doesn't think I like her cooking.
I want her to.
- I'll scrape it off or something.
- For god's sakes.
There's been another break-in.
Right on amesbury road.
That's the fifth house this month.
This guy has a lot of nerve.
I bet you'd like to get him into your courtroom? Send him to the electric chair.
Send him to the electric chair for burglary? No, not literally to the.
I meant like, you know, the old expression.
"Send 'em to the elec.
" It's an expression.
No, it isn't.
- That's a look.
- Yes, see? - That's what I'm talking about.
- The omelets are ready! Look at all that avocado.
I think just to be safe, I might run into town after breakfast and get a motion sensor for the outdoor lights.
Sam, here's your omelet.
Let's hope this doesn't upset your stomach.
Are you kidding? This is exactly what my stomach needs.
Grandma, grampa, it's me.
I'm hungry.
Look who it is.
Good morning.
Hey, you've met Sam before, right? - And you get over here.
- I'm really sorry.
Auntie Mel! My god! You're huge! What are you doing to him? Is she stretching you? Hey, Scotty.
Maybe while I'm in town I can grab some rope and you and I can fix up that old swing.
- What do you say? - Yeah.
You know what, dad? Research shows rope swings are very dangerous.
Sarah, come on.
We were on that thing all the time as kids.
If it weren't for the rope swing, where would you have had your first kiss? Mel, there is a child in the room.
Or your second or third or fourth first kisses.
Sarah was a slut.
- I bet you weren't a slut.
- What's a slut? What's a slut? I thought you had his.
The earmuff thingies on.
A slut is.
You're gonna like 'em.
I can tell you that.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna I gotta go to the restroom anyway.
So I'll be right back.
Do you mind? Hey, guys.
- Feel these.
- No.
Absolutely not.
No, I need you to do this.
They're like rocks.
And ever since abby got some teeth, my nipples are torn to shreds.
Well, I could just talk about my daughter's breasts all day, but I think I'll use this opportunity to walk into town.
Dad, I got more to say about my boobs.
You're gonna want to hear it! Girls, girls, girls! You both sound like a couple of airline pilots.
- I, too, like boobs.
- Like, even up in the bathroom? I am really sorry about that.
I had never seen one of those - machines and it scared me.
- I'm just teasing you.
- I know you're not a pervert.
- I'm not, really.
And I think breast-feeding is a natural and beautiful thing.
Always have.
- I think I'm gonna like this one, mel.
- Yeah, he's a good one? Oh, god, I need a nap.
Mom, do you think you could watch scotty? Yeah.
Of course, dear.
I do need to, polish this silverware.
Would he enjoy doing that with me? You know what, I think I'll just stay up and take care of him myself.
I just can't wait till chad gets here.
- I'll watch him.
- Yeah, sure.
That'd be great.
You know the last time she watched him, I found him eating crayons and cutting up a carpet.
Come on! We'll be fine.
Okay, but you cannot just be the fun aunt? 'cause then I'm the one left picking up the pieces.
No, I won't be any fun.
I'll be just like you.
Thank you.
All right, Sam, you watch her.
I trust you.
Okay.
So Sam, how did you like your omelet? Hated it.
Joking.
One of the top ten omelets of my life.
And yes, I've been to France.
Where you going? I gotta keep my eye on you.
Sarah said.
- You're feeling pretty cocky now.
- She trusts me, right? And your mom likes a guy with a big appetite.
Yeah, what did you do with that omelet, by the way? What sink or toilet did you clog with avocado.
No it's awesome.
I wanted to make friends with your dad's birds, So I fed them the avocado.
No, Sam.
Tell me you didn't feed the avocado to the birds.
Why? They fruit.
It happens a the time.
One of 'em gobbled it up right away.
- Avocado's toxic to birds.
- No, it's.
Of course it is.
I'm so sorry.
- Sir.
- Afternoon.
Okay, hi.
I just need a bird.
- Sorry.
We don't have any birds here.
- What? Kidding, okay? They're all for sale.
Except this guy.
And you don't want him anyway, because he's a pain in my ass! Get off the perch! I am your master! So what kind of bird do you want? It's, I don't know what they're cald.
Parrot, cockatiel, canary.
Falcon.
I'm kidding.
I don't have a falcon.
It's illegal.
I have a falcon.
Just, just.
It needs to look like that, please.
My dude! What is the matter with you? It's a death drill.
This is a magician.
Fake dead bird.
Right? Say right.
- Right.
- Yes, yes, carry on.
Huzzah, huzzah.
Seriously, bro.
Why are you carrying this around? I'm just.
I'm having a lot of trouble Letting it go.
I get that.
It's cool.
Hold on.
- I think I got something for you.
- Really? What? Okay.
How about Thomas? That is perfect.
Can you just put that in a bag for me? - In a bag? - Just go ahead Put that right in a bag.
Thomas in a bag? - Bag's $50 extra.
- For the bag? Put some holes in it, okay? Okay.
Thank you.
Why are you.
I didn't even see you there.
What is everything.
I didn't even.
We're both at a bird store which is weird.
Well, actually it's not weird.
I own birds.
Why are you here? I didn't even know it a bird store when I came in.
It was one of those deals.
Hey, you know, it might be a good thing that you're here.
I don't think so.
These motion sensors are a lot heavier than I thought they would be.
I was gonna call Angela to come and pick me up.
But maybe I can get a ride with you.
What? I mean, there's.
I'm parked so far away.
As far away as the house? Just about.
I mean, it's pretty far away.
I'd really appreciate it if we just.
Yeah, but let's do this though because that would be good for you.
Who's that? That is your mom.
And that is me.
When I was cuter.
- And that.
- Is uncle David.
He's coming to grandpa's birthday party.
No, honey.
I wish he were.
He's still working in Africa.
- He's right.
David's coming.
- What? But I told you not to tell anybody, Scotty.
It's a surprise.
- Sorry.
- Chad and I arranged it.
That's so great.
Dad's gonna be thrilled.
I know.
How thoughtful are we? - Can I help you with that? - Yeah.
It's totally broken though.
There we go.
Oh, my god.
Please tell me you did not give him Jelly beans.
Because he goes crazy when he has a lot of sugar.
- We just had a couple.
- I've had 48.
And we worked on counting.
And abigail's up.
Perfect timing.
You know what, Scotty, why don't you keep having fun with fun aunt Mel? And, I'll go get her.
So he's all yours.
Good luck.
Don't need it.
And the sugar rush and meltdown should be starting - about now.
Have fun.
- We're doing fine.
Tag.
You're it.
- Hey, how'd you do? - Good.
You? Just super.
All right.
Yeah, here we go.
Here we go.
There we go.
All right.
And Mission accomplished.
No, you don't.
There.
Right? Beginning of piano man.
- I gotta work on that.
- You know, i I wouldn't normally ask this, but I could really use some help out there.
Yeah, definitely.
I wanna help.
Yeah, I'll.
Just go away.
Outside.
And I'll get.
I'll come to you after I go to the bathroom.
Okay.
Look.
I'm sorry.
I didn't see you guys there.
- Sarah, cover up.
- No, I'm fine, mom.
You're gonna make Sam uncomfortable.
No, he's fine too.
He's very progressive about breast-feeding.
- Aren't you, Sam? - Yep, big fan.
Love it.
It's not.
It's not what you think.
It's not my.
Guys, these pants.
Trust me.
Sam, I can really use that help now if you're up for it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he's up for it, all right.
- Please don't think that was.
- Yes, it was.
I'll explain.
I just need you to hold this ladder steady.
Okay.
That light's a little more complicated than I thought.
The instructions were confusing.
They didn't supply all the necessary and I had to run power from the house.
You know, most thieves, they'll just take off if they think someone can look out the window and see 'em.
You wanna hand me that fixture? - Yeah.
No problem.
- Thank you.
- I think you want to use two hands.
- I got it.
All right.
Yeah.
I need a Phillip's-head.
- Is that a.
- A screwdriver, yeah.
That's.
This one.
That one.
The funny head one.
- What are you doing down there? - Hold the ladder.
I was looking around.
'cause if I was a burglar, i'd probably.
Just hold the ladder.
- How'd you even do that? - I think that that is about it.
Sorry.
Easy there.
Thanks for your help.
See you later.
How'd the clown try-outs go? It was the only way I could get Scotty to stop drawing on the couch.
- What's the matter with you.
- You don't even want to know.
Had a bird in my pocket.
There was an erection misunderstanding, so I punched it in the face and killed it.
- He's never gonna let me marry you.
- No, he can't do that.
I don't think.
- What happened to my bird! - There it is.
Be strong.
Jeckyl's gone.
Dad, I'm so sorry.
I was.
I opened the cage to play with the birds and And one of them flew out the window.
I'm really sorry.
Please don't look at me like that.
Just try to be more careful next time, honey.
And wash your face.
- Oh, my god.
I got the look.
- I told you.
- You're on your own from now on.
- All right, thanks, honey.
I owe you one big time.
- Hey, you're up.
- Hi.
- You got a big enough sandwich then? - Hey, you shut up.
I'm pregnant.
I thought I'd go, bury the bird.
Look at all this stuff.
- My good.
- And this is just the pump.
- What if I can't do this? - What, breast-feed? You got 'em.
No, be a mom.
Are you kidding me? You're gonna be the best mom ever.
- We're gonna do this together.
- We're not gonna do that together.
- Yes, we are.
- Good.
You don't think I'll do it.
I'm gonna do it.
Okay.
Sam, no, you don't have to.
Can't be that bad.
All right, turn this baby on.
- Do it.
- Are you ready? It sucks.
This really hurts.
In a very interesting way.
Turn it up to ten.
Or nine.
Think I could maybe use that when you're done? Thanks.
- I broke it.
- I'll go talk to her.
Yeah, you want some more? Burglar man? Picked the wrong house, buddy.
Hey, guys! Hey, guys! Mel, Mel! Get it on up, honey.
Hey, guys! I got something.
Family Downstairs.
Dick, Dick! - This had better be good.
- Trust me.
It's good.
You know the burglar that's been terrorizing the neighborhood? You're not gonna have to worry about him anymore.
Honey, don't worry about me.
Believe me.
He got the worst of it.
Well, I don't think you've met my brother David.
- David, are you okay? - Honey! Surprise.
- What happened? - I forgot my keys.
Are you okay, David? Team Subs-Addicts'