You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s01e02 Episode Script
A Deed of Gift
1 From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear this same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham Club The Charleston at The Ritz #And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits Saucy flappers in cloche hats Natty chappies in white spats The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? -Hello, Dad.
-Stop calling me Dad.
Sorry.
-Can I have a morning kiss? -Hurry up, then.
-Everything all right, love? -No, it isn't.
I've had a terrible night and I'm not putting up with another one like it.
You got a lumpy bed? No.
It's Mr Teddy.
He keeps trying to get into me room.
Didn't you put the chair against your door like I told you? Yes, but I don't feel secure.
You've got to put a bolt on it.
(Chuckling) Bolts cost money.
Dad, your daughter's honour is above price.
He's not after your honour, Ivy.
He's just trying to steal a kiss.
He's trying to steal more than that.
He caught me in the hall yesterday and said he loved me because I smelt of carbolic soap.
Change to Wright's Coal Tar.
Dad, I'm serious.
All right, I'll get a bolt and put it on your door.
Now hurry along and get on with your work or Jim will be after you.
Sometimes I think he suspects that I haven't been in service before.
Don't you worry.
I'll fix Jim Twelvetrees.
-He's ever so strict, isn't he? -Yeah.
But I quite like him.
You what? -Well, I know where I am with him.
-Oh, I see.
Mrs Lipton's nice, isn't she? Yeah.
-She likes you.
-Does she? And you like her.
-You're much nicer to her than you are to Mum.
-That'll do.
Now take that tray downstairs.
Yes, Dad.
Devilled kidneys, James.
Thank you, Mrs Lipton.
Devilled kidneys coming up, Mr Stokes.
The hot plate's flickering.
You haven't forgotten to put the spirit in again, have you, James? It's not my place to put spirit in the hot plate.
Henry attends to that.
But it's your job to see that he does it.
Henry, the burner in the hot plate is flickering.
Did you remember to put in the methylated spirit? There was none left.
I think Mrs Lipton's been drinking it.
How dare you.
I was only joking.
Well, don't joke at 8:55 in the morning.
If there was no methylated spirit left, you should have said.
-Now come and pull up the devilled kidneys.
-I'm ironing the newspapers.
Do as you're told, Henry.
Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
Devilled kidneys coming up, Mr Stokes.
Miss Poppy's got a headache.
She hasn't eaten her Osbornes.
Can I have them? Certainly not.
Domestic staff do not nibble biscuits whilst on duty.
Put them back in the tin.
Henry, you've left the iron on the Daily Mail.
It's scorching.
Oh, look.
Teddy Tail's got brown trousers.
Henry, go out and buy another Daily Mail and I shall stop the penny out of your wages.
Here's a couple of Osbornes to nibble on the way.
Thanks, Ivy.
I want you back here in five minutes.
Sometimes I feel it would be better if I didn't wake up in the morning ever again.
You just try it.
Oh! That boy is nothing but trouble.
He's very willing, though.
I shouldn't be too hard on him.
He needs proper training.
When I was his age, if I didn't do as I was told, my father took his belt to me.
That's what made you what you are today, Mr Twelvetrees.
It did indeed, Mrs Lipton.
You can take Lady Lavender's breakfast tray up now, Ivy.
Is she having one of her mornings? She usually does after she's had one of her nights.
And take a handful of monkey nuts.
-Shall I shell them for her? -No, they're for the parrot.
-Mr Twelvetrees.
-Yes, Ivy.
Why does Henry have to iron the newspapers? Because, Ivy, His Lordship does not wish to read a crinkly Times.
9:02, Stokes.
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Evidently my watch needs regulating.
-Are you going to the City today, sir? -I doubt it.
I've been in once this week.
-Are you at home, sir? -Yes.
Except to Sir Ralph.
-Lady Agatha's husband, sir.
-Lady Agatha's husband.
I don't want to see him under any circumstances.
I quite understand you, sir.
Oh, am I the first one down? Yes, sir.
Lady Lavender is having breakfast in her room.
Oh, is she? Thank you.
His Lordship's Times.
Thank you, James.
Your Times, sir.
Thank you.
-A little a porridge, sir? -Thank you.
Smell of scorching.
-Good morning, George.
-Good morning, Teddy.
Where's my Daily Mail? It wasn't delivered, sir.
I've sent Henry out for another one.
Oh, good.
I don't want to miss the adventures of Teddy Tail.
PARROT: Come in.
If you don't mind, I'll give the orders around here.
Come in.
-Who are you? -Ivy the maid.
No, you're not.
You're Ethel.
Where have I seen you before? I brought up your morning tea.
I thought I recognised you.
Oh, monkey nuts, my favourite.
Why haven't you taken the shells off? They're for your parrot.
Well, he's not having them.
He gets quite enough already.
I'm giving him a rubber plantation in Malaya.
Do parrots like rubber? Not the actual plantation, you silly girl.
The share certificates.
I expect she'll make a nice nest of those and lay some eggs.
I shouldn't think so.
He's a cock.
Pretty Polly.
Pretty Polly.
Oh, he's always talking about his fiancee.
Come and sit on my bed.
I'm very generous, you know.
I give lots of things away.
-Is there anything in this room you'd like? -Oh, not just now, thanks.
-Do you like this bed? -Very nice.
You can have it.
Oh, I couldn't get it in my room.
What you need is a bigger room.
That's the solution to your problem.
Now, give me my handbag.
-I don't want any money.
-I wasn't going to give you any.
I want you to ring my solicitor and tell him to come round and see me at 1 2:00 this morning.
Ask him to use the tradesmen's entrance and bring him up the back stairs.
-Why up the back stairs? -Because I don't want George to know.
Oh, you mean, His Lordship.
Yes.
He married my daughter.
I always said she married beneath her.
But he's a Lordship.
-They made their money in trade.
-What sort of trade? Slave trade.
Brought boatloads of them from Africa and swapped them for sugar.
Oh, how awful.
Yes, it's very bad for your teeth, you know.
Now don't forget the solicitor.
That's his number.
-Oh, would you like some money? -No, thank you.
-Oh, well, would you like this handbag? -No, I don't want you to give me anything.
-Will that be all? -Yes, thank you.
Ethel.
Yes, m'lady? There's something I insist upon giving you.
What? Scrambled eggs.
That fellow Mussolini is doing a damn good job in Italy.
He's actually getting the trains to run on time.
But he's a dreadful fascist, Daddy.
The first thing he did when he came into power was to throw all the homosexuals into prison.
Cissy, please.
Not at the breakfast table.
Better not let him loose in the House of Lords, eh? Teddy.
-The man is a ruthless dictator, Daddy.
-Yes, but he gets things done.
We could do with some of his medicine in our government.
Well, who do you want as a dictator? Ramsay MacDonald? I don't mean a socialist.
Daddy would want a public school dictator.
Someone from Eton.
Well, at least he'd know which homosexuals to arrest.
Teddy.
-Morning, Daddy.
-Morning.
-Morning, family.
-TEDDY: Morning.
-Morning, James.
-Morning, Miss Poppy.
You really must try to get down to breakfast on time, Poppy.
It's not fair on the servants.
-I only want some coffee.
-I'll bring you a fresh pot, Miss Poppy.
James, be a dear and get that big brown trunk down from the box room and bring it to my bedroom after breakfast.
I'm chucking out a lot of clothes to give to the poor.
-Yes, Miss Poppy.
-And knock loudly.
You don't want to catch me in my birthday suit.
Of course not, miss.
I wish you wouldn't say things like that to James.
It's very embarrassing for him.
He loves it, Daddy.
I adore seeing him blush.
Well, it's not right.
I wish you two girls would dress for breakfast.
I can't have you floating about the house in your linen.
It's all your fault, Teddy.
You're such a lounge lizard.
You should set an example.
And while we're on the subject of conduct, I heard you come in at 3:00 this morning.
That's the second time this week.
You really are going the pace a bit too much.
Oh, don't be so stuffy, Daddy.
Life's for living, that's what Jerry says.
How can you carry on with Jerry? He's an absolute wet lettuce.
He's jolly clever.
He can do card tricks.
He can drink a glass of water standing on his head.
-And he's invented a new cocktail.
-What's in it? I don't know, but it's called The Guillotine.
Jerry says it knocks your head off.
-Where's Grandma? -Oh, she's having breakfast in bed this morning.
She had dinner in bed last night.
I think she's getting battier every day.
I went into the conservatory yesterday and she was talking to the parrot.
Who else has she got to talk to? Nobody sits with her or keeps her company.
Anyhow, I think she's lovely.
She gave me this ring the other day.
Oh, you shouldn't have taken that.
That's her engagement ring.
If anyone should have that ring, it should be me.
I'm the eldest.
You've already got Mummy's and you never even wear it.
Well, I'm having it turned into a tiepin.
Oh, really.
I thought I saw your friend Penelope wearing it the other day.
-Mind your own business.
-Now, girls, please.
It's a bit worrying, old Lavvy giving things away all the time.
I wish you wouldn't call her Lavvy.
Anyhow, she gave my best overcoat to the gardener.
-What, that terrible check thing? -Yes.
Damn good job, too.
Does this sort of potty behaviour run in the family, Daddy? Well, certainly not on my side.
At least she's stopped creeping round the corridors in the early hours.
-Oh, no, she hasn't.
She was at it last night.
-Doing what? -Creeping along the corridors.
-And how do you know? Well, I had to go to the bathroom.
Oh, yes.
What'd you mean, oh, yes? I'm entitled to go to the bathroom if I want to.
Haven't you got a chamber pot in your room? If that's going to be the level of the conversation, I'm leaving.
I'll have a nice chat to the parrot.
Perhaps potty behaviour does run in the family.
-Hurry up.
They've finished breakfast.
-What's the time, Dad? 9:30.
I've got to go and ring Lady Lavender's solicitor.
Well, use the phone downstairs in the servants' hall.
And I mustn't forget.
Miss Cissy wants me to pop up to her room.
-What for? -I don't know.
Well, don't stop too long.
Why does everybody keep telling me not to stop too long in Cissy's room? She's ever so nice.
Never you mind.
Just do as you're told, Ivy.
Ivy.
-Yes, sir.
-I want to speak to you.
-Yes, sir.
-Ivy, you're driving me crazy.
Am I? Every time I see you, my heart goes humpity, humpity, humpity, hump.
-Does it? -It's doing it now.
-Is it? -Yes, feel it.
Why don't you feel it? I'd rather not, if you don't mind.
How can you understand how I feel if you don't feel it? Get off.
-You all right, Teddy? -No, my heart's beating rather fast.
I thought you were off to talk to the parrot.
I'm just going now.
Give him my regards.
Oh! I brought the cellar book for your inspection, sir.
We're getting rather low on the '93 port.
Oh, right.
I'll get them to send a couple of cases up from Meldrum Hall.
-Yes, sir.
We don't want to go short, sir.
-Yes.
Well, Stokes, you've been with us nearly two weeks now.
You getting on all right? Yes, thank you, sir.
And how are you getting on with the rest of the staff? Of course, you were in the war with Twelvetrees.
Both of you helped save my brother's life, or was it the other way about? It was a very confusing time, sir.
Then there's Mrs Lipton, of course.
What a nice, comfortable, pillowy woman she is.
Very comfortable, sir.
How's Ivy getting on? If the truth be told, sir, she's a little distressed.
-Oh, really? -I'm afraid to say she is, sir.
Her door handle keeps going up and down in the dead of night.
-What do you think is the cause of that? -Someone trying to enter the room.
The Honourable Teddy? -It would appear so, sir.
-But he didn't get in, did he? No, sir.
You know, I thought if we got a plain maid, we wouldn't have any more trouble.
Even her best friends wouldn't call her pretty.
-She doesn't use carbolic soap, does she? -I've asked her to change to Wright's Coal Tar, sir.
Yes, a sensible precaution.
What is it that attracts my brother to these servant girls? -Even the plain ones.
-There's no accounting for taste, sir.
I, myself, was once very taken with a lady lion-tamer.
Was she plain? She frightened the lions.
I'm afraid it's all beyond me, Stokes.
It's beyond me, too, sir.
Only one thing for it.
We'll have to get him looked at.
Yes, sir.
Will there be anything further, sir? -Well, no, I don't think so.
-M'lord.
Oh, Stokes, by the way, just one thing.
That lady lion-tamer, she didn't use carbolic soap, did she? I wasn't too familiar with her washing arrangements, sir.
But she used a lot of Jay's fluid on the lions.
(Knocking on door) Come in.
Did you ring the bell, Miss Cissy? Oh, yes.
Could you rinse these things through for me? When do you want them? Oh, there's no hurry.
I've got stacks more in the drawers.
Oh, they're lovely and soft.
I've never felt anything like it before.
Fancy going to sleep in these.
It's silk satin.
They're ever so slithery.
I wonder you don't slip out of bed.
I'm always very careful about that.
Well, actually, I've got a lot of things I don't use.
You can have some if you like.
Oh, you're a lovely family.
So generous.
Lady Lavender wanted to give me her bed.
You'll get used to us.
Now how do I look? Like a boy.
A nice boy.
I mean, a very pretty boy.
Thank you, Ivy.
-Are you going to play cricket? -Oh, no, tennis.
Oh, be a darling.
Tie up my shoes, will you? Oh, don't be nervous.
I won't bite you.
-I'm not very good at bows.
-You're doing fine.
Do you know, Ivy you're really quite pretty.
Am I? But you are a bit pale.
You should make more of yourself.
-Look.
Sit at my dressing table.
-Am I allowed? Don't be silly.
Sit down.
Now, turn around.
You should get out in the open air more often.
I only get one afternoon off a fortnight and I've only been here for three days so I've got 1 0 days to go.
When I do get me afternoon off, I'm going to the pictures.
Now, let me do your lips.
-Who's your favourite film star? -Rin Tin Tin.
I can't give you lips like him.
-How about Anna May Wong? -All right.
Ivy, you are not going to play the trumpet.
Relax your lips.
-Keep still.
-I can't.
You're tickling me.
There.
Now, have a look in the mirror.
Take off your glasses.
-Is that better? -I don't know.
I can't see.
It's looking top-hole.
That will have to do for today.
I shall be late for Hurlingham.
Oh, will that be all? Only I'm seeing a solicitor at 1 2:00.
Yes, you buzz off.
Oh, thanks for the lips, Miss Cissy.
(Knocking on door) Come in.
Over there, please, James.
I do hope you haven't hurt yourself carrying that great big heavy thing down from the box room.
It wasn't all that heavy, Miss Poppy.
Not for you, perhaps, because you're so strong.
Your muscles must be like iron.
Not like they were when I was in the army, miss.
Nonsense.
They're positively bulging.
It makes shivers go right down my spine.
-Well, I'm sorry, Miss Poppy.
-Oh, that's all right.
It's not your fault.
Strong men always make me go wibbly-wobbly.
What makes you go wibbly-wobbly, James? Well, nothing comes to mind at the moment, Miss Poppy.
Oh, there must be something.
Well, you see, I was very strictly brought up.
I lived in a small town and we hardly ever saw a lady's ankle, let alone her leg.
Nowadays, of course, anything goes.
You know, you're so right.
I've got a friend who wears her skirts right up to here.
Will there be anything further, Miss Poppy? I haven't embarrassed you, have I, James? No, miss, but I do have my other duties to attend to.
All right, then.
Toodle-oo.
You're a dab hand with a pastry knife, Mrs Lipton.
I wish I had a shilling for every pie I've made, Mr Stokes.
I bet you've got a nice little nest egg tucked away.
Would that I had, Mr Stokes.
But I'll I'll not go hungry.
The late Mr Lipton, he was a very careful man.
Didn't you have any children, then, Mrs Lipton? Mind your own business.
Would you care to have a glass of stout with me, Mrs Lipton? Not just for the moment, Mr Stokes.
I'll have it with my dinner.
I wouldn't mind a drop, Mr Stokes.
Get a glass, Mabel.
It's got iron in it, you know.
I need a lot of iron.
Watch out it doesn't rust your teeth.
I hope not.
I can't afford another set.
-Morning, all.
-Morning.
I hope I'm not interrupting your mid-morning refreshment.
You're always welcome, Constable Wilson.
Is that a drop of stout on the table? Mabel, get a glass.
I thought you didn't drink on duty.
It's been a very tiring day, Mrs Lipton.
And stout's got a lot of iron in it.
Mind it don't rust your boots.
You're so sharp you'll cut yourself one of these days, young Henry.
And will there be a nice piece of cherry cake, Mrs Lipton? -Oh, you'll spoil your lunch.
-Oh, am I staying to lunch? You usually do.
It's steak and kidney pie.
Well, in that case, I shall restrain myself.
-And what's on the menu tonight for dinner? -Oh, I'm not cooking tonight.
The family are all going out to see The Desert Song.
-What a wonderful life they lead.
-There'll be 1 0 of them.
And they'll all go on to some posh restaurant afterwards and spend enough money to keep you and me for a year.
-Glass of stout, James? -No, thank you.
You look as if you need it.
I've just been carrying a heavy trunk down for Miss Poppy.
I hoped she behaved herself.
Least said, soonest mended.
You finished the bedrooms already, Ivy? No, I've got to meet a solicitor outside the back door at 1 2:00.
It's for Lady Lavender.
She doesn't want the rest of the family to know.
Ivy, what have you got on your face? -Oh, just some rouge and lipstick.
-How dare you.
You know perfectly well the domestic staff are not allowed to paint their faces.
Anyone would think you'd never been in service before.
What on earth possessed you to do such a thing? I didn't put it on.
It was Miss Cissy.
Oh, I see.
Let sleeping dogs lie, Mr Twelvetrees.
Well, you take it off as quickly as you can and don't let it happen again.
Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
You can't blame Ivy for doing what she's told.
Toffs amuse themselves with the likes of us.
You're right there, Mr Stokes.
Nothing the young ones like better than knocking our helmets off.
Nevertheless, there's a dividing line between masters and servants and it's up to us not to cross it.
There's someone at the back door with a bowler hat on.
That'll be the solicitor.
What's he come to the back door for? What's all the secrecy? Well, Lady Lavender is very rich in her own right and she doesn't want no interference from His Lordship.
-I wonder what she's giving away this time.
-What do you mean, giving away? Least said, soonest mended.
That's what Mr Twelvetrees always says.
Isn't it, Mr Twelvetrees? Watch it, Henry.
This is Mr Franklyn.
-Good morning, everyone.
-Good morning, sir.
Do excuse me, please, do carry on.
Henry, door.
Thank you.
I just came in to use the toilet, sir.
Thank you.
They're a funny bunch, that lot upstairs.
You haven't heard the half of it, Mr Stokes.
-Get on with your work, Mabel.
-Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
''They dined upon mince and slices of quince, which they ate with a runcible spoon.
'' Don't fidget.
Listen.
''And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, they danced by the light of the moon.
'' -There, Captain, what do you think of that? -Codswallop.
Well, that settles it.
You're not having the rubber plantation.
(Knocking on door) -CAPTAIN: Come in.
-Shut up.
Come in.
-Mr Franklyn, m'lady.
-Oh, come in.
Good morning, m'lady.
-What's your name? -Franklyn.
-Not you, her.
-Ivy, but you call me Ethel.
-No, your full name.
-Ivy Teasdale.
Oh, well, I suppose it'll have to do.
All right, you can go now.
Now, look here, Teddy.
I'm not going to beat about the bush anymore.
You've got to be seen to.
You're talking about me as if I were a tom cat.
It's nearly as bad.
Well, what about you and Lady Agatha? Her husband's on to you.
He's after your blood.
-Sir Ralph hasn't been round here, has he? -That put the wind up you, didn't it? Up till now, you've got away with murder.
What about your previous paramours? You went charging round Mayfair like a polecat.
Well, at least they had titles.
Oh, that makes it all right then, does it? As long as they're wearing a tiara.
Well, it's a damn sight better than wearing a housemaid's cap.
Don't you understand, George? You've no idea of the purity of these girls.
No sham, no pretence, no side.
Everything stripped off.
There they are in their attic rooms, threadbare carpet on the bare boards, rickety chest of drawers with a cracked mirror, and the iron bedstead.
My God, Teddy, you're a case and no mistake.
But it's all perfectly normal.
Look, there's nothing wrong with what you want to do.
It's who you want to do it with and the fact that you're so damn clumsy when you do it.
-But it's all so exciting.
-That's no excuse.
Five settlements I've made on girls on your behalf.
And now I've had this letter from Violet's solicitor.
Oh, Violet.
Dear little shiny-faced Violet with her chapped hands.
-She was different from all the others.
-You're damn right.
I've had to double her allowance.
She's just had twins.
Oh, no, no For goodness' sake, pull yourself together.
Have a whisky or something.
(Knocking on door) Oh, come in.
Excuse me, sir, there's a Mr Franklyn, the solicitor, to see you.
-My God, is this another girl, Teddy? -I don't know, I'm so confused.
He had an appointment with Lady Lavender and now he wishes to see you.
-Oh, she isn't at it again, is she? Oh, send him in.
-Very good, m'lord.
His Lordship will see you now.
Mr Franklyn, m'lord.
-Oh, Franklyn, do sit down.
-Thank you.
Well, what's she been giving away now? Rather more serious than usual.
It's the Union Jack Rubber Company.
-That's yours, isn't it, George? -Not all of it.
She's got the controlling interest.
I mean, if she messes about with that, it'll knock me for six.
Who's she given the shares to? The parrot? I've been asked to prepare a deed of gift in favour of a Miss Ivy Teasdale.
There we are.
Come and sit down, James.
This strawberry jam looks a treat, Mrs Lipton.
Yes, we had a lovely crop of strawberries down from the Hall this year.
Right.
Now, enjoy your tea.
I'll be back in an hour.
That butcher, he's not getting away with this bill.
Ten shillings for six pounds of sirloin steak.
Daylight robbery.
Not too much milk.
You weren't that fussy when we were in the trenches together.
We were glad of anything then.
Here, get stuck into the bread and jam.
No, I can't face it.
-What's the matter? -I'd rather not say.
Come on, you can tell me.
Well, I'm beset with circumstances beyond my control.
-That sounds serious.
-It is serious.
-You been pinching His Lordship's fags? -I don't smoke and if I did, I'd buy them.
More fool you.
I smoke like a chimney and I've not bought a fag in 1 0 years.
Let me tell you something else I've never bought -I don't want to hear about it.
-What's the matter? It's Miss Poppy.
Every time she gets me alone in her bedroom, it happens.
You're a crafty one, James Twelvetrees.
-How long has this been going on? -It's not like that.
-Then what was it like? -Look, if you're going to make insinuations, I shall take my tea into the scullery.
Sit down.
You can tell me, we're old comrades.
Well, when I took that heavy trunk into her room this morning, she She started saying risky things.
What? Mucky stories? Certainly not.
But it's been going on for years.
Ever since she was 1 8.
I would tell His Lordship, but I don't want to lose my position here.
So what happened this morning? She felt my muscles.
What muscles? These.
What's wrong with that? She said they made her go all wibbly-wobbly.
Really? They don't make me go all wibbly-wobbly.
Mind you, I'll say this for you, Jim, you're built like a brick outhouse.
And if that's all it takes to get her worked up, your future could be very rosy here.
Disgraceful, in her position, at her age.
I ought to put her across my knee and give her a good spanking.
That might work and all.
It's impossible to have a serious conversation with you.
Face facts, Jim.
The sort of young chaps she goes out with haven't got any go in them.
All they've got is money.
Now you haven't got any money, but you've got what she's after.
So use it.
She'll be grateful and you'll be on easy street.
What do you think I am? Some sort of foreign gigolo? Come off it, Jim.
Look, they're up there and we're down here.
Use the talent God gave you.
Miss Poppy's room.
You're down here, get up there.
Let's face it.
We can't allow these shares to pass out of the family.
Particularly into the hands of a servant.
I mean, where would it all end? I don't know why you're so worried, Daddy.
You've got pots and pots of money.
-What's 200 measly shares? -You just don't understand.
In the first place, when it comes to money, you can take it from me, you can never have too much.
In the second place, those 200 measly shares you describe, they represent the controlling interest in the Union Jack Rubber Company.
Without those, the company could fall into the hands of all sorts of people.
They could have meetings and vote and run the bally show instead of me.
Ivy's a sweet, innocent girl.
You wouldn't have any trouble with her.
She'd do whatever you told her.
I'm not having meetings with Ivy every time I want to take a company decision.
Not only that, perhaps money would spoil someone like Ivy.
She could afford to buy perfume and scented soap.
She'd use powder and I'd no longer see that shiny face.
I don't see why servants shouldn't be allowed to make up like everyone else.
You'd ruin her.
Leave her alone, do you hear me? Just leave her alone.
Shut up, Teddy! It's Granny's money, Daddy.
She has a right to do what she likes with it.
Not if she's bats in the belfry.
Let's face it, anyone who reads poetry to a parrot cannot possibly make a responsible decision.
So what are you suggesting, Daddy? Carting her off in a straitjacket and putting her in a padded cell? Don't be absurd, Cissy, it isn't like that at all.
There are some beautiful places.
They look just like lovely country houses.
Except for the bars on the window.
That sounds horrid, Daddy.
Can't somebody sign something to say that she can't sign anything? Then she could stay in her room with the parrot.
That's certainly better than locking her up.
All right, I'll have a word with Franklyn, see if he can suggest something.
-You mean you're gonna have her certified.
-I never mentioned the word certified.
But somehow or other, she's got to be stopped.
Otherwise I'll have that idiot girl Ivy on the board of directors.
(Knocking on door) Come in.
Hello, Ivy.
-Hello, Ivy.
-Hello, Ivy.
Excuse me, m'lord.
Mr Stokes says it's time for Miss Cissy and Miss Poppy to get dressed up for the theatre.
I've run a bath, but I don't know who's going to have it.
Thank you, Ivy.
-Thank you, Ivy.
-Thank you, Ivy.
Sit down, Teddy.
Any idea what this Desert Song thing's about, Stokes? Cook sings a snatch from one of the songs from time to time when she's going about her duties.
Well, how does it go? Something about blue heaven and you and I, and sand kissing a moonlit sky.
Sounds a bit soppy to me.
I believe it concerns an English Lord who leads the Arabs against the French.
Well, that's quite understandable.
Never had much time for the French myself.
Never much good after lunch.
-May I assist you? -No, no.
I'm all fingers and thumbs tonight.
If I may venture to say, sir, you do look a trifle put out this evening.
-Well, Lady Lavender, you know.
-Indeed.
Yes, she does some silly things.
We are aware of this in the servants' hall.
She's inclined to use Ivy for target practice.
You mean she throws knives at her? Oh, no, sir.
Mostly scrambled eggs and tapioca pudding.
I've asked cook to devise a menu that doesn't stain.
Well, she must have some regard for Ivy.
She wants to give the wretched girl all her shares in the Union Jack Rubber Company.
-Does she indeed, sir? -It's a pretty big concern.
Yes, I believe I've seen it advertised in barbershops.
Well, that's just one side of the business.
We also make motor car tyres, invalid cushions with holes in the middle, and those little bits that go on top of pencils.
Would these shares be worth a lot of money, sir? Well, Sir Ralph Shawcross, who is my main opponent on the board would give a small fortune for them.
-Lady Agatha's husband, sir? -Yes, Lady Agatha's husband.
-By the way, he hasn't been round here, has he? -Oh, no, sir.
If he does call, I'm not at home under any circumstances.
Of course, sir.
For some reason, he seems to have got his knife into me.
I wonder why.
The point is, he'd sell his soul to get his hands on those shares just to vote me off the board.
I think Ivy could be persuaded to sell them, sir.
She's a sweet girl.
A bit simple.
Mind you, for all we know she may have some greedy, drunken brute of a father.
And he might bully her into selling them.
Would you like me to inquire as to his character, sir? No.
No, definitely not.
I don't want anybody to know about this, least of all Ivy.
It wouldn't be fair to build up her hopes because I have every intention of nipping the whole thing in the bud.
Of course, sir.
You couldn't have one of the servants on the board of directors.
Where would it all end? -Two points or three on your handkerchief, sir? -Two, I think.
It's only a musical.
Oh, drat.
There's a dark smudge on my shirt front.
I think it may be a speck of something on your monocle, sir.
-Oh, really? -Allow me, sir.
Oh, yes.
Thank you, James.
You're a treasure.
You'll make someone a jolly good husband.
Mrs Lipton was saying that only the other day, sir.
You're not going to marry the cook, are you? I hardly think so, sir.
You're bound to get married one day.
Well, that is my intention, sir, if the good Lord wills it.
You're so lucky, you know.
Your choice is so wide.
I mean, this whole street is chock-a-block with girls looking like Ivy.
Lady's maids, housemaids, parlour maids, and lots of them wear glasses.
I'm not attracted to them, sir.
Not attracted to them? What's the matter with you? Well, I prefer someone a little more educated.
Oh, what about nurses? Starched aprons, black woollen stockings, tight black belts, silver buckles, little medals and smelling of chloroform.
(Gong sounding) Champagne cocktails are being served prior to the arrival of the cars to take you to Drury Lane, sir.
Dad, why are you stealing His Lordship's whisky? Stealing? I am not stealing.
This is part of a butler's perks.
His Lordship knows.
Then why are you topping it up with soda? Strong whisky is not good for His Lordship's gout.
I didn't know he had gout.
He hasn't, but he will have if he drinks strong whisky.
Dad.
What time will the family be back? Well, they're going on to a theatre after dinner and then perhaps a nightclub.
-Could be 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning.
-Oh, heck.
James says I've got to wait up for them in case they want anything.
Part of the job, Ivy.
Keep the fire going in the drawing room and have a kip in the chair.
And go put a clean apron on.
Well, it's not my fault, it's Lady Lavender.
I pleaded with Mrs Lipton not to give her chocolate pudding.
I've had enough, Dad.
I want to leave.
What are you talking about? You don't know what's going on in this house.
You don't know what's going on.
Mr Teddy grabbed me in the hall this morning and asked me to feel his heart going humpity, humpity, humpity, hump.
I don't trust him.
-Did you get that bolt for my door? -I haven't had time.
That means I've got to spend another night with only a chair under the door handle to stop me being ruined.
What are you worrying about? My room's only next door.
All you got to do is shout out.
I don't care.
-I'm going back to Mum.
-No, hang on a minute.
Ivy, come here.
Listen.
I've just found out from Lord Meldrum that Lady Lavender is giving you shares in a Rubber Company.
She told me she was giving them to the parrot.
Well, she's changed her mind, Ivy.
She's giving them to you.
Now, just think.
You could be rich.
Live in a big house.
Have servants to wait on you.
Now you're not going to give all that up just because she's thrown a bit of chocolate pudding at you, are you? -No, I suppose not.
-Good girl.
Now go and change your apron.
Supper will be ready in a minute.
Dad, could she have her meals on paper plates? When it comes to shepherd's pie, Mrs Lipton, you have a touch of genius.
Well, I was brought up in the old school of cooking.
The right recipe, with good ingredients, cooked to a turn.
And washed down with a nice drop of Chateau Margaux.
That's two bottles of His Lordship's best wine you've opened.
When I was doing my inspection of the cellar, my suspicions were aroused by a musty smell hovering around one of the bins.
''Ah,'' I thought, ''the quality of this wine must be checked forthwith.
'' Quite right, Mr Stokes.
You can't have His Lordship drinking musty wine.
You'd betray a sacred trust.
Well, good health.
-Good health.
-Good health.
-What do you think? -Delicious.
I think your suspicions were unfounded.
I agree.
It's a great weight off my mind.
It all tastes the same to me.
Like red ink.
I used to think like that, but I'm learning under Mr Stokes.
Can I try the second bottle to see if it's as good as the first? You've had quite enough, Henry.
-I've finished it all, Mrs Lipton.
-Thank you, Mabel.
Oh, that looks nice.
-Shepherd's pie, is it? -Yes, Mabel, it's shepherd's pie.
And red wine.
I was only saying to my old man the other day, ''I can't remember the last time I tasted red wine.
'' Fancy that.
Well, if that's all, I'll be off.
There's a bit of cold liver left over from breakfast.
I've wrapped it up for you.
It's on the side.
Thank you.
I expect it'll warm up all right.
It's got a lot of iron in it.
Oh, and there's a drop of stout left in the bottle.
Take it with you, Mabel.
You're very kind.
-And don't forget to bring the bottle back.
-Oh, I won't.
Good night, all.
-Good night.
-Good night, Mabel.
There's loads of shepherd's pie left.
Why didn't you ask her to stay and have a bit? What? Her? The daily woman? Sitting down at the table with us? Certainly not.
Where would it all end? I just feel sorry for the poor old soul.
What with her husband not working and flat on his back.
Well, I hope she sits him up when she gives him his stout otherwise it'll go all down his pyjamas.
Go to bed, Henry.
You're drunk.
-I've only had one glass.
-Go to bed.
I wouldn't be surprised if I've got water on the brain.
Now, who's for a nice bit of my homemade pink blancmange? You've never had a bit of my pink blancmange, have you, Mr Stokes? That's one of the several pleasures I've got to come, Mrs Lipton.
-My mum makes lovely blancmange, doesn't she? -I wouldn't know, Ivy.
No, of course you wouldn't.
Sorry, Dad.
You've got a treat in store, Mr Stokes.
Mrs Lipton's pink blancmange is almost as well known as her cherry cake.
Just a little tap all the way round.
Just to loosen it in the mould.
And hey presto.
I love pink custard.
Did you enjoy that Desert Song thing last night, Teddy? Not bad.
Some of the chorus girls were damn pretty, especially in the harem scene.
I don't like the way they use all that make-up.
Harem girls don't have scrubbed faces and glasses, Teddy.
(Knocking on door) Come.
-Your coffee, m'lord.
-Thank you, James.
-Will you be going to the City today, sir? -No, I don't think so.
-That's all right, we'll pour it.
-Very good, m'lord.
-May I say something, m'lord? -What is it? Well, I've no wish to speak out of turn, but I feel it my duty to tell you that Lady Lavender has asked Ivy the maid to telephone her solicitor again.
He's just arrived and Mr Stokes has escorted him to her room by the back stairs.
Thank you for telling us.
-I hope I did the right thing.
-Definitely.
Thank you, sir.
What's she up to now? Don't worry, Franklyn will come down and tell us everything.
You know what an old toad he is.
-What's she saying, Dad? -I can't hear.
That's the trouble with these posh houses, they make the doors too thick.
When he comes out, can I have a word with him? I don't want Lady Lavender to give me them shares.
It'll cause too much trouble.
You keep your mouth shut.
Hey up, here he comes, make yourself scarce.
Good day, m'lady.
CAPTAIN: Come in.
LADY LAVENDER: Shut up.
-Everything all right, sir? -I want to see His Lordship immediately.
I'll find out if he's free.
Come this way.
Excuse me, sir.
About Lady Lavender and those shares, I don't want them.
She doesn't know what she's saying, sir.
She's a very simple girl.
You needn't concern yourself, girl.
You are no longer the beneficiary.
You what? Lady Lavender has changed her mind.
She's given the shares to you.
-To me? -Yes.
-You are Alfred Stokes, are you not? -Yes.
Then I'm sure you'll agree the idea is totally absurd.
I must see His Lordship at once.
-At once? -Yes, now.
Well, if you'll wait in the dining room, sir, I'll inform His Lordship.
Well, hurry up.
I've got to stop Franklyn seeing His Lordship.
Go outside the front door, close it, count to 1 0 then start knocking.
-What for? -Never mind.
Just do as I tell you.
Come in.
-What is it, Stokes? -I'm sorry to trouble you, sir, but I've just seen Sir Ralph coming up the drive with a horsewhip.
What? Get away from that window.
What am I going to do? He'll be knocking at the door any minute, sir.
(Banging on door) -That'll be him now.
-Oh, God.
May I suggest you leave by the back door? I'll escort you through the servants' hall.
Right.
-I must speak with you.
-Not now.
(Banging on door) Have you had a word with His Lordship? No, he left rather hurriedly by the servants' entrance.
Oh, I see.
-Shouldn't you use the servants' entrance? -Not when His Lordship's using it.
I'll telephone him tomorrow.
It's me, Ivy.
I'm sorry to bother you in the middle of the morning.
I know I don't usually get on to you at this time of day, but it's urgent.
Please don't let me dad have them shares.
It's bad for his greed.
I'll explain it to you tonight when I'm saying my prayers at the usual time.
-Ivy! Ivy, where are you? -Oh, heck.
It's Mr Teddy.
Don't worry, I'll deal with him this time.
You just look after me dad.
Thank you.
IVY: Get off! From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear this same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham Club The Charleston at The Ritz #And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits Talking flicks are here today And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.
-Stop calling me Dad.
Sorry.
-Can I have a morning kiss? -Hurry up, then.
-Everything all right, love? -No, it isn't.
I've had a terrible night and I'm not putting up with another one like it.
You got a lumpy bed? No.
It's Mr Teddy.
He keeps trying to get into me room.
Didn't you put the chair against your door like I told you? Yes, but I don't feel secure.
You've got to put a bolt on it.
(Chuckling) Bolts cost money.
Dad, your daughter's honour is above price.
He's not after your honour, Ivy.
He's just trying to steal a kiss.
He's trying to steal more than that.
He caught me in the hall yesterday and said he loved me because I smelt of carbolic soap.
Change to Wright's Coal Tar.
Dad, I'm serious.
All right, I'll get a bolt and put it on your door.
Now hurry along and get on with your work or Jim will be after you.
Sometimes I think he suspects that I haven't been in service before.
Don't you worry.
I'll fix Jim Twelvetrees.
-He's ever so strict, isn't he? -Yeah.
But I quite like him.
You what? -Well, I know where I am with him.
-Oh, I see.
Mrs Lipton's nice, isn't she? Yeah.
-She likes you.
-Does she? And you like her.
-You're much nicer to her than you are to Mum.
-That'll do.
Now take that tray downstairs.
Yes, Dad.
Devilled kidneys, James.
Thank you, Mrs Lipton.
Devilled kidneys coming up, Mr Stokes.
The hot plate's flickering.
You haven't forgotten to put the spirit in again, have you, James? It's not my place to put spirit in the hot plate.
Henry attends to that.
But it's your job to see that he does it.
Henry, the burner in the hot plate is flickering.
Did you remember to put in the methylated spirit? There was none left.
I think Mrs Lipton's been drinking it.
How dare you.
I was only joking.
Well, don't joke at 8:55 in the morning.
If there was no methylated spirit left, you should have said.
-Now come and pull up the devilled kidneys.
-I'm ironing the newspapers.
Do as you're told, Henry.
Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
Devilled kidneys coming up, Mr Stokes.
Miss Poppy's got a headache.
She hasn't eaten her Osbornes.
Can I have them? Certainly not.
Domestic staff do not nibble biscuits whilst on duty.
Put them back in the tin.
Henry, you've left the iron on the Daily Mail.
It's scorching.
Oh, look.
Teddy Tail's got brown trousers.
Henry, go out and buy another Daily Mail and I shall stop the penny out of your wages.
Here's a couple of Osbornes to nibble on the way.
Thanks, Ivy.
I want you back here in five minutes.
Sometimes I feel it would be better if I didn't wake up in the morning ever again.
You just try it.
Oh! That boy is nothing but trouble.
He's very willing, though.
I shouldn't be too hard on him.
He needs proper training.
When I was his age, if I didn't do as I was told, my father took his belt to me.
That's what made you what you are today, Mr Twelvetrees.
It did indeed, Mrs Lipton.
You can take Lady Lavender's breakfast tray up now, Ivy.
Is she having one of her mornings? She usually does after she's had one of her nights.
And take a handful of monkey nuts.
-Shall I shell them for her? -No, they're for the parrot.
-Mr Twelvetrees.
-Yes, Ivy.
Why does Henry have to iron the newspapers? Because, Ivy, His Lordship does not wish to read a crinkly Times.
9:02, Stokes.
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Evidently my watch needs regulating.
-Are you going to the City today, sir? -I doubt it.
I've been in once this week.
-Are you at home, sir? -Yes.
Except to Sir Ralph.
-Lady Agatha's husband, sir.
-Lady Agatha's husband.
I don't want to see him under any circumstances.
I quite understand you, sir.
Oh, am I the first one down? Yes, sir.
Lady Lavender is having breakfast in her room.
Oh, is she? Thank you.
His Lordship's Times.
Thank you, James.
Your Times, sir.
Thank you.
-A little a porridge, sir? -Thank you.
Smell of scorching.
-Good morning, George.
-Good morning, Teddy.
Where's my Daily Mail? It wasn't delivered, sir.
I've sent Henry out for another one.
Oh, good.
I don't want to miss the adventures of Teddy Tail.
PARROT: Come in.
If you don't mind, I'll give the orders around here.
Come in.
-Who are you? -Ivy the maid.
No, you're not.
You're Ethel.
Where have I seen you before? I brought up your morning tea.
I thought I recognised you.
Oh, monkey nuts, my favourite.
Why haven't you taken the shells off? They're for your parrot.
Well, he's not having them.
He gets quite enough already.
I'm giving him a rubber plantation in Malaya.
Do parrots like rubber? Not the actual plantation, you silly girl.
The share certificates.
I expect she'll make a nice nest of those and lay some eggs.
I shouldn't think so.
He's a cock.
Pretty Polly.
Pretty Polly.
Oh, he's always talking about his fiancee.
Come and sit on my bed.
I'm very generous, you know.
I give lots of things away.
-Is there anything in this room you'd like? -Oh, not just now, thanks.
-Do you like this bed? -Very nice.
You can have it.
Oh, I couldn't get it in my room.
What you need is a bigger room.
That's the solution to your problem.
Now, give me my handbag.
-I don't want any money.
-I wasn't going to give you any.
I want you to ring my solicitor and tell him to come round and see me at 1 2:00 this morning.
Ask him to use the tradesmen's entrance and bring him up the back stairs.
-Why up the back stairs? -Because I don't want George to know.
Oh, you mean, His Lordship.
Yes.
He married my daughter.
I always said she married beneath her.
But he's a Lordship.
-They made their money in trade.
-What sort of trade? Slave trade.
Brought boatloads of them from Africa and swapped them for sugar.
Oh, how awful.
Yes, it's very bad for your teeth, you know.
Now don't forget the solicitor.
That's his number.
-Oh, would you like some money? -No, thank you.
-Oh, well, would you like this handbag? -No, I don't want you to give me anything.
-Will that be all? -Yes, thank you.
Ethel.
Yes, m'lady? There's something I insist upon giving you.
What? Scrambled eggs.
That fellow Mussolini is doing a damn good job in Italy.
He's actually getting the trains to run on time.
But he's a dreadful fascist, Daddy.
The first thing he did when he came into power was to throw all the homosexuals into prison.
Cissy, please.
Not at the breakfast table.
Better not let him loose in the House of Lords, eh? Teddy.
-The man is a ruthless dictator, Daddy.
-Yes, but he gets things done.
We could do with some of his medicine in our government.
Well, who do you want as a dictator? Ramsay MacDonald? I don't mean a socialist.
Daddy would want a public school dictator.
Someone from Eton.
Well, at least he'd know which homosexuals to arrest.
Teddy.
-Morning, Daddy.
-Morning.
-Morning, family.
-TEDDY: Morning.
-Morning, James.
-Morning, Miss Poppy.
You really must try to get down to breakfast on time, Poppy.
It's not fair on the servants.
-I only want some coffee.
-I'll bring you a fresh pot, Miss Poppy.
James, be a dear and get that big brown trunk down from the box room and bring it to my bedroom after breakfast.
I'm chucking out a lot of clothes to give to the poor.
-Yes, Miss Poppy.
-And knock loudly.
You don't want to catch me in my birthday suit.
Of course not, miss.
I wish you wouldn't say things like that to James.
It's very embarrassing for him.
He loves it, Daddy.
I adore seeing him blush.
Well, it's not right.
I wish you two girls would dress for breakfast.
I can't have you floating about the house in your linen.
It's all your fault, Teddy.
You're such a lounge lizard.
You should set an example.
And while we're on the subject of conduct, I heard you come in at 3:00 this morning.
That's the second time this week.
You really are going the pace a bit too much.
Oh, don't be so stuffy, Daddy.
Life's for living, that's what Jerry says.
How can you carry on with Jerry? He's an absolute wet lettuce.
He's jolly clever.
He can do card tricks.
He can drink a glass of water standing on his head.
-And he's invented a new cocktail.
-What's in it? I don't know, but it's called The Guillotine.
Jerry says it knocks your head off.
-Where's Grandma? -Oh, she's having breakfast in bed this morning.
She had dinner in bed last night.
I think she's getting battier every day.
I went into the conservatory yesterday and she was talking to the parrot.
Who else has she got to talk to? Nobody sits with her or keeps her company.
Anyhow, I think she's lovely.
She gave me this ring the other day.
Oh, you shouldn't have taken that.
That's her engagement ring.
If anyone should have that ring, it should be me.
I'm the eldest.
You've already got Mummy's and you never even wear it.
Well, I'm having it turned into a tiepin.
Oh, really.
I thought I saw your friend Penelope wearing it the other day.
-Mind your own business.
-Now, girls, please.
It's a bit worrying, old Lavvy giving things away all the time.
I wish you wouldn't call her Lavvy.
Anyhow, she gave my best overcoat to the gardener.
-What, that terrible check thing? -Yes.
Damn good job, too.
Does this sort of potty behaviour run in the family, Daddy? Well, certainly not on my side.
At least she's stopped creeping round the corridors in the early hours.
-Oh, no, she hasn't.
She was at it last night.
-Doing what? -Creeping along the corridors.
-And how do you know? Well, I had to go to the bathroom.
Oh, yes.
What'd you mean, oh, yes? I'm entitled to go to the bathroom if I want to.
Haven't you got a chamber pot in your room? If that's going to be the level of the conversation, I'm leaving.
I'll have a nice chat to the parrot.
Perhaps potty behaviour does run in the family.
-Hurry up.
They've finished breakfast.
-What's the time, Dad? 9:30.
I've got to go and ring Lady Lavender's solicitor.
Well, use the phone downstairs in the servants' hall.
And I mustn't forget.
Miss Cissy wants me to pop up to her room.
-What for? -I don't know.
Well, don't stop too long.
Why does everybody keep telling me not to stop too long in Cissy's room? She's ever so nice.
Never you mind.
Just do as you're told, Ivy.
Ivy.
-Yes, sir.
-I want to speak to you.
-Yes, sir.
-Ivy, you're driving me crazy.
Am I? Every time I see you, my heart goes humpity, humpity, humpity, hump.
-Does it? -It's doing it now.
-Is it? -Yes, feel it.
Why don't you feel it? I'd rather not, if you don't mind.
How can you understand how I feel if you don't feel it? Get off.
-You all right, Teddy? -No, my heart's beating rather fast.
I thought you were off to talk to the parrot.
I'm just going now.
Give him my regards.
Oh! I brought the cellar book for your inspection, sir.
We're getting rather low on the '93 port.
Oh, right.
I'll get them to send a couple of cases up from Meldrum Hall.
-Yes, sir.
We don't want to go short, sir.
-Yes.
Well, Stokes, you've been with us nearly two weeks now.
You getting on all right? Yes, thank you, sir.
And how are you getting on with the rest of the staff? Of course, you were in the war with Twelvetrees.
Both of you helped save my brother's life, or was it the other way about? It was a very confusing time, sir.
Then there's Mrs Lipton, of course.
What a nice, comfortable, pillowy woman she is.
Very comfortable, sir.
How's Ivy getting on? If the truth be told, sir, she's a little distressed.
-Oh, really? -I'm afraid to say she is, sir.
Her door handle keeps going up and down in the dead of night.
-What do you think is the cause of that? -Someone trying to enter the room.
The Honourable Teddy? -It would appear so, sir.
-But he didn't get in, did he? No, sir.
You know, I thought if we got a plain maid, we wouldn't have any more trouble.
Even her best friends wouldn't call her pretty.
-She doesn't use carbolic soap, does she? -I've asked her to change to Wright's Coal Tar, sir.
Yes, a sensible precaution.
What is it that attracts my brother to these servant girls? -Even the plain ones.
-There's no accounting for taste, sir.
I, myself, was once very taken with a lady lion-tamer.
Was she plain? She frightened the lions.
I'm afraid it's all beyond me, Stokes.
It's beyond me, too, sir.
Only one thing for it.
We'll have to get him looked at.
Yes, sir.
Will there be anything further, sir? -Well, no, I don't think so.
-M'lord.
Oh, Stokes, by the way, just one thing.
That lady lion-tamer, she didn't use carbolic soap, did she? I wasn't too familiar with her washing arrangements, sir.
But she used a lot of Jay's fluid on the lions.
(Knocking on door) Come in.
Did you ring the bell, Miss Cissy? Oh, yes.
Could you rinse these things through for me? When do you want them? Oh, there's no hurry.
I've got stacks more in the drawers.
Oh, they're lovely and soft.
I've never felt anything like it before.
Fancy going to sleep in these.
It's silk satin.
They're ever so slithery.
I wonder you don't slip out of bed.
I'm always very careful about that.
Well, actually, I've got a lot of things I don't use.
You can have some if you like.
Oh, you're a lovely family.
So generous.
Lady Lavender wanted to give me her bed.
You'll get used to us.
Now how do I look? Like a boy.
A nice boy.
I mean, a very pretty boy.
Thank you, Ivy.
-Are you going to play cricket? -Oh, no, tennis.
Oh, be a darling.
Tie up my shoes, will you? Oh, don't be nervous.
I won't bite you.
-I'm not very good at bows.
-You're doing fine.
Do you know, Ivy you're really quite pretty.
Am I? But you are a bit pale.
You should make more of yourself.
-Look.
Sit at my dressing table.
-Am I allowed? Don't be silly.
Sit down.
Now, turn around.
You should get out in the open air more often.
I only get one afternoon off a fortnight and I've only been here for three days so I've got 1 0 days to go.
When I do get me afternoon off, I'm going to the pictures.
Now, let me do your lips.
-Who's your favourite film star? -Rin Tin Tin.
I can't give you lips like him.
-How about Anna May Wong? -All right.
Ivy, you are not going to play the trumpet.
Relax your lips.
-Keep still.
-I can't.
You're tickling me.
There.
Now, have a look in the mirror.
Take off your glasses.
-Is that better? -I don't know.
I can't see.
It's looking top-hole.
That will have to do for today.
I shall be late for Hurlingham.
Oh, will that be all? Only I'm seeing a solicitor at 1 2:00.
Yes, you buzz off.
Oh, thanks for the lips, Miss Cissy.
(Knocking on door) Come in.
Over there, please, James.
I do hope you haven't hurt yourself carrying that great big heavy thing down from the box room.
It wasn't all that heavy, Miss Poppy.
Not for you, perhaps, because you're so strong.
Your muscles must be like iron.
Not like they were when I was in the army, miss.
Nonsense.
They're positively bulging.
It makes shivers go right down my spine.
-Well, I'm sorry, Miss Poppy.
-Oh, that's all right.
It's not your fault.
Strong men always make me go wibbly-wobbly.
What makes you go wibbly-wobbly, James? Well, nothing comes to mind at the moment, Miss Poppy.
Oh, there must be something.
Well, you see, I was very strictly brought up.
I lived in a small town and we hardly ever saw a lady's ankle, let alone her leg.
Nowadays, of course, anything goes.
You know, you're so right.
I've got a friend who wears her skirts right up to here.
Will there be anything further, Miss Poppy? I haven't embarrassed you, have I, James? No, miss, but I do have my other duties to attend to.
All right, then.
Toodle-oo.
You're a dab hand with a pastry knife, Mrs Lipton.
I wish I had a shilling for every pie I've made, Mr Stokes.
I bet you've got a nice little nest egg tucked away.
Would that I had, Mr Stokes.
But I'll I'll not go hungry.
The late Mr Lipton, he was a very careful man.
Didn't you have any children, then, Mrs Lipton? Mind your own business.
Would you care to have a glass of stout with me, Mrs Lipton? Not just for the moment, Mr Stokes.
I'll have it with my dinner.
I wouldn't mind a drop, Mr Stokes.
Get a glass, Mabel.
It's got iron in it, you know.
I need a lot of iron.
Watch out it doesn't rust your teeth.
I hope not.
I can't afford another set.
-Morning, all.
-Morning.
I hope I'm not interrupting your mid-morning refreshment.
You're always welcome, Constable Wilson.
Is that a drop of stout on the table? Mabel, get a glass.
I thought you didn't drink on duty.
It's been a very tiring day, Mrs Lipton.
And stout's got a lot of iron in it.
Mind it don't rust your boots.
You're so sharp you'll cut yourself one of these days, young Henry.
And will there be a nice piece of cherry cake, Mrs Lipton? -Oh, you'll spoil your lunch.
-Oh, am I staying to lunch? You usually do.
It's steak and kidney pie.
Well, in that case, I shall restrain myself.
-And what's on the menu tonight for dinner? -Oh, I'm not cooking tonight.
The family are all going out to see The Desert Song.
-What a wonderful life they lead.
-There'll be 1 0 of them.
And they'll all go on to some posh restaurant afterwards and spend enough money to keep you and me for a year.
-Glass of stout, James? -No, thank you.
You look as if you need it.
I've just been carrying a heavy trunk down for Miss Poppy.
I hoped she behaved herself.
Least said, soonest mended.
You finished the bedrooms already, Ivy? No, I've got to meet a solicitor outside the back door at 1 2:00.
It's for Lady Lavender.
She doesn't want the rest of the family to know.
Ivy, what have you got on your face? -Oh, just some rouge and lipstick.
-How dare you.
You know perfectly well the domestic staff are not allowed to paint their faces.
Anyone would think you'd never been in service before.
What on earth possessed you to do such a thing? I didn't put it on.
It was Miss Cissy.
Oh, I see.
Let sleeping dogs lie, Mr Twelvetrees.
Well, you take it off as quickly as you can and don't let it happen again.
Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
You can't blame Ivy for doing what she's told.
Toffs amuse themselves with the likes of us.
You're right there, Mr Stokes.
Nothing the young ones like better than knocking our helmets off.
Nevertheless, there's a dividing line between masters and servants and it's up to us not to cross it.
There's someone at the back door with a bowler hat on.
That'll be the solicitor.
What's he come to the back door for? What's all the secrecy? Well, Lady Lavender is very rich in her own right and she doesn't want no interference from His Lordship.
-I wonder what she's giving away this time.
-What do you mean, giving away? Least said, soonest mended.
That's what Mr Twelvetrees always says.
Isn't it, Mr Twelvetrees? Watch it, Henry.
This is Mr Franklyn.
-Good morning, everyone.
-Good morning, sir.
Do excuse me, please, do carry on.
Henry, door.
Thank you.
I just came in to use the toilet, sir.
Thank you.
They're a funny bunch, that lot upstairs.
You haven't heard the half of it, Mr Stokes.
-Get on with your work, Mabel.
-Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
''They dined upon mince and slices of quince, which they ate with a runcible spoon.
'' Don't fidget.
Listen.
''And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, they danced by the light of the moon.
'' -There, Captain, what do you think of that? -Codswallop.
Well, that settles it.
You're not having the rubber plantation.
(Knocking on door) -CAPTAIN: Come in.
-Shut up.
Come in.
-Mr Franklyn, m'lady.
-Oh, come in.
Good morning, m'lady.
-What's your name? -Franklyn.
-Not you, her.
-Ivy, but you call me Ethel.
-No, your full name.
-Ivy Teasdale.
Oh, well, I suppose it'll have to do.
All right, you can go now.
Now, look here, Teddy.
I'm not going to beat about the bush anymore.
You've got to be seen to.
You're talking about me as if I were a tom cat.
It's nearly as bad.
Well, what about you and Lady Agatha? Her husband's on to you.
He's after your blood.
-Sir Ralph hasn't been round here, has he? -That put the wind up you, didn't it? Up till now, you've got away with murder.
What about your previous paramours? You went charging round Mayfair like a polecat.
Well, at least they had titles.
Oh, that makes it all right then, does it? As long as they're wearing a tiara.
Well, it's a damn sight better than wearing a housemaid's cap.
Don't you understand, George? You've no idea of the purity of these girls.
No sham, no pretence, no side.
Everything stripped off.
There they are in their attic rooms, threadbare carpet on the bare boards, rickety chest of drawers with a cracked mirror, and the iron bedstead.
My God, Teddy, you're a case and no mistake.
But it's all perfectly normal.
Look, there's nothing wrong with what you want to do.
It's who you want to do it with and the fact that you're so damn clumsy when you do it.
-But it's all so exciting.
-That's no excuse.
Five settlements I've made on girls on your behalf.
And now I've had this letter from Violet's solicitor.
Oh, Violet.
Dear little shiny-faced Violet with her chapped hands.
-She was different from all the others.
-You're damn right.
I've had to double her allowance.
She's just had twins.
Oh, no, no For goodness' sake, pull yourself together.
Have a whisky or something.
(Knocking on door) Oh, come in.
Excuse me, sir, there's a Mr Franklyn, the solicitor, to see you.
-My God, is this another girl, Teddy? -I don't know, I'm so confused.
He had an appointment with Lady Lavender and now he wishes to see you.
-Oh, she isn't at it again, is she? Oh, send him in.
-Very good, m'lord.
His Lordship will see you now.
Mr Franklyn, m'lord.
-Oh, Franklyn, do sit down.
-Thank you.
Well, what's she been giving away now? Rather more serious than usual.
It's the Union Jack Rubber Company.
-That's yours, isn't it, George? -Not all of it.
She's got the controlling interest.
I mean, if she messes about with that, it'll knock me for six.
Who's she given the shares to? The parrot? I've been asked to prepare a deed of gift in favour of a Miss Ivy Teasdale.
There we are.
Come and sit down, James.
This strawberry jam looks a treat, Mrs Lipton.
Yes, we had a lovely crop of strawberries down from the Hall this year.
Right.
Now, enjoy your tea.
I'll be back in an hour.
That butcher, he's not getting away with this bill.
Ten shillings for six pounds of sirloin steak.
Daylight robbery.
Not too much milk.
You weren't that fussy when we were in the trenches together.
We were glad of anything then.
Here, get stuck into the bread and jam.
No, I can't face it.
-What's the matter? -I'd rather not say.
Come on, you can tell me.
Well, I'm beset with circumstances beyond my control.
-That sounds serious.
-It is serious.
-You been pinching His Lordship's fags? -I don't smoke and if I did, I'd buy them.
More fool you.
I smoke like a chimney and I've not bought a fag in 1 0 years.
Let me tell you something else I've never bought -I don't want to hear about it.
-What's the matter? It's Miss Poppy.
Every time she gets me alone in her bedroom, it happens.
You're a crafty one, James Twelvetrees.
-How long has this been going on? -It's not like that.
-Then what was it like? -Look, if you're going to make insinuations, I shall take my tea into the scullery.
Sit down.
You can tell me, we're old comrades.
Well, when I took that heavy trunk into her room this morning, she She started saying risky things.
What? Mucky stories? Certainly not.
But it's been going on for years.
Ever since she was 1 8.
I would tell His Lordship, but I don't want to lose my position here.
So what happened this morning? She felt my muscles.
What muscles? These.
What's wrong with that? She said they made her go all wibbly-wobbly.
Really? They don't make me go all wibbly-wobbly.
Mind you, I'll say this for you, Jim, you're built like a brick outhouse.
And if that's all it takes to get her worked up, your future could be very rosy here.
Disgraceful, in her position, at her age.
I ought to put her across my knee and give her a good spanking.
That might work and all.
It's impossible to have a serious conversation with you.
Face facts, Jim.
The sort of young chaps she goes out with haven't got any go in them.
All they've got is money.
Now you haven't got any money, but you've got what she's after.
So use it.
She'll be grateful and you'll be on easy street.
What do you think I am? Some sort of foreign gigolo? Come off it, Jim.
Look, they're up there and we're down here.
Use the talent God gave you.
Miss Poppy's room.
You're down here, get up there.
Let's face it.
We can't allow these shares to pass out of the family.
Particularly into the hands of a servant.
I mean, where would it all end? I don't know why you're so worried, Daddy.
You've got pots and pots of money.
-What's 200 measly shares? -You just don't understand.
In the first place, when it comes to money, you can take it from me, you can never have too much.
In the second place, those 200 measly shares you describe, they represent the controlling interest in the Union Jack Rubber Company.
Without those, the company could fall into the hands of all sorts of people.
They could have meetings and vote and run the bally show instead of me.
Ivy's a sweet, innocent girl.
You wouldn't have any trouble with her.
She'd do whatever you told her.
I'm not having meetings with Ivy every time I want to take a company decision.
Not only that, perhaps money would spoil someone like Ivy.
She could afford to buy perfume and scented soap.
She'd use powder and I'd no longer see that shiny face.
I don't see why servants shouldn't be allowed to make up like everyone else.
You'd ruin her.
Leave her alone, do you hear me? Just leave her alone.
Shut up, Teddy! It's Granny's money, Daddy.
She has a right to do what she likes with it.
Not if she's bats in the belfry.
Let's face it, anyone who reads poetry to a parrot cannot possibly make a responsible decision.
So what are you suggesting, Daddy? Carting her off in a straitjacket and putting her in a padded cell? Don't be absurd, Cissy, it isn't like that at all.
There are some beautiful places.
They look just like lovely country houses.
Except for the bars on the window.
That sounds horrid, Daddy.
Can't somebody sign something to say that she can't sign anything? Then she could stay in her room with the parrot.
That's certainly better than locking her up.
All right, I'll have a word with Franklyn, see if he can suggest something.
-You mean you're gonna have her certified.
-I never mentioned the word certified.
But somehow or other, she's got to be stopped.
Otherwise I'll have that idiot girl Ivy on the board of directors.
(Knocking on door) Come in.
Hello, Ivy.
-Hello, Ivy.
-Hello, Ivy.
Excuse me, m'lord.
Mr Stokes says it's time for Miss Cissy and Miss Poppy to get dressed up for the theatre.
I've run a bath, but I don't know who's going to have it.
Thank you, Ivy.
-Thank you, Ivy.
-Thank you, Ivy.
Sit down, Teddy.
Any idea what this Desert Song thing's about, Stokes? Cook sings a snatch from one of the songs from time to time when she's going about her duties.
Well, how does it go? Something about blue heaven and you and I, and sand kissing a moonlit sky.
Sounds a bit soppy to me.
I believe it concerns an English Lord who leads the Arabs against the French.
Well, that's quite understandable.
Never had much time for the French myself.
Never much good after lunch.
-May I assist you? -No, no.
I'm all fingers and thumbs tonight.
If I may venture to say, sir, you do look a trifle put out this evening.
-Well, Lady Lavender, you know.
-Indeed.
Yes, she does some silly things.
We are aware of this in the servants' hall.
She's inclined to use Ivy for target practice.
You mean she throws knives at her? Oh, no, sir.
Mostly scrambled eggs and tapioca pudding.
I've asked cook to devise a menu that doesn't stain.
Well, she must have some regard for Ivy.
She wants to give the wretched girl all her shares in the Union Jack Rubber Company.
-Does she indeed, sir? -It's a pretty big concern.
Yes, I believe I've seen it advertised in barbershops.
Well, that's just one side of the business.
We also make motor car tyres, invalid cushions with holes in the middle, and those little bits that go on top of pencils.
Would these shares be worth a lot of money, sir? Well, Sir Ralph Shawcross, who is my main opponent on the board would give a small fortune for them.
-Lady Agatha's husband, sir? -Yes, Lady Agatha's husband.
-By the way, he hasn't been round here, has he? -Oh, no, sir.
If he does call, I'm not at home under any circumstances.
Of course, sir.
For some reason, he seems to have got his knife into me.
I wonder why.
The point is, he'd sell his soul to get his hands on those shares just to vote me off the board.
I think Ivy could be persuaded to sell them, sir.
She's a sweet girl.
A bit simple.
Mind you, for all we know she may have some greedy, drunken brute of a father.
And he might bully her into selling them.
Would you like me to inquire as to his character, sir? No.
No, definitely not.
I don't want anybody to know about this, least of all Ivy.
It wouldn't be fair to build up her hopes because I have every intention of nipping the whole thing in the bud.
Of course, sir.
You couldn't have one of the servants on the board of directors.
Where would it all end? -Two points or three on your handkerchief, sir? -Two, I think.
It's only a musical.
Oh, drat.
There's a dark smudge on my shirt front.
I think it may be a speck of something on your monocle, sir.
-Oh, really? -Allow me, sir.
Oh, yes.
Thank you, James.
You're a treasure.
You'll make someone a jolly good husband.
Mrs Lipton was saying that only the other day, sir.
You're not going to marry the cook, are you? I hardly think so, sir.
You're bound to get married one day.
Well, that is my intention, sir, if the good Lord wills it.
You're so lucky, you know.
Your choice is so wide.
I mean, this whole street is chock-a-block with girls looking like Ivy.
Lady's maids, housemaids, parlour maids, and lots of them wear glasses.
I'm not attracted to them, sir.
Not attracted to them? What's the matter with you? Well, I prefer someone a little more educated.
Oh, what about nurses? Starched aprons, black woollen stockings, tight black belts, silver buckles, little medals and smelling of chloroform.
(Gong sounding) Champagne cocktails are being served prior to the arrival of the cars to take you to Drury Lane, sir.
Dad, why are you stealing His Lordship's whisky? Stealing? I am not stealing.
This is part of a butler's perks.
His Lordship knows.
Then why are you topping it up with soda? Strong whisky is not good for His Lordship's gout.
I didn't know he had gout.
He hasn't, but he will have if he drinks strong whisky.
Dad.
What time will the family be back? Well, they're going on to a theatre after dinner and then perhaps a nightclub.
-Could be 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning.
-Oh, heck.
James says I've got to wait up for them in case they want anything.
Part of the job, Ivy.
Keep the fire going in the drawing room and have a kip in the chair.
And go put a clean apron on.
Well, it's not my fault, it's Lady Lavender.
I pleaded with Mrs Lipton not to give her chocolate pudding.
I've had enough, Dad.
I want to leave.
What are you talking about? You don't know what's going on in this house.
You don't know what's going on.
Mr Teddy grabbed me in the hall this morning and asked me to feel his heart going humpity, humpity, humpity, hump.
I don't trust him.
-Did you get that bolt for my door? -I haven't had time.
That means I've got to spend another night with only a chair under the door handle to stop me being ruined.
What are you worrying about? My room's only next door.
All you got to do is shout out.
I don't care.
-I'm going back to Mum.
-No, hang on a minute.
Ivy, come here.
Listen.
I've just found out from Lord Meldrum that Lady Lavender is giving you shares in a Rubber Company.
She told me she was giving them to the parrot.
Well, she's changed her mind, Ivy.
She's giving them to you.
Now, just think.
You could be rich.
Live in a big house.
Have servants to wait on you.
Now you're not going to give all that up just because she's thrown a bit of chocolate pudding at you, are you? -No, I suppose not.
-Good girl.
Now go and change your apron.
Supper will be ready in a minute.
Dad, could she have her meals on paper plates? When it comes to shepherd's pie, Mrs Lipton, you have a touch of genius.
Well, I was brought up in the old school of cooking.
The right recipe, with good ingredients, cooked to a turn.
And washed down with a nice drop of Chateau Margaux.
That's two bottles of His Lordship's best wine you've opened.
When I was doing my inspection of the cellar, my suspicions were aroused by a musty smell hovering around one of the bins.
''Ah,'' I thought, ''the quality of this wine must be checked forthwith.
'' Quite right, Mr Stokes.
You can't have His Lordship drinking musty wine.
You'd betray a sacred trust.
Well, good health.
-Good health.
-Good health.
-What do you think? -Delicious.
I think your suspicions were unfounded.
I agree.
It's a great weight off my mind.
It all tastes the same to me.
Like red ink.
I used to think like that, but I'm learning under Mr Stokes.
Can I try the second bottle to see if it's as good as the first? You've had quite enough, Henry.
-I've finished it all, Mrs Lipton.
-Thank you, Mabel.
Oh, that looks nice.
-Shepherd's pie, is it? -Yes, Mabel, it's shepherd's pie.
And red wine.
I was only saying to my old man the other day, ''I can't remember the last time I tasted red wine.
'' Fancy that.
Well, if that's all, I'll be off.
There's a bit of cold liver left over from breakfast.
I've wrapped it up for you.
It's on the side.
Thank you.
I expect it'll warm up all right.
It's got a lot of iron in it.
Oh, and there's a drop of stout left in the bottle.
Take it with you, Mabel.
You're very kind.
-And don't forget to bring the bottle back.
-Oh, I won't.
Good night, all.
-Good night.
-Good night, Mabel.
There's loads of shepherd's pie left.
Why didn't you ask her to stay and have a bit? What? Her? The daily woman? Sitting down at the table with us? Certainly not.
Where would it all end? I just feel sorry for the poor old soul.
What with her husband not working and flat on his back.
Well, I hope she sits him up when she gives him his stout otherwise it'll go all down his pyjamas.
Go to bed, Henry.
You're drunk.
-I've only had one glass.
-Go to bed.
I wouldn't be surprised if I've got water on the brain.
Now, who's for a nice bit of my homemade pink blancmange? You've never had a bit of my pink blancmange, have you, Mr Stokes? That's one of the several pleasures I've got to come, Mrs Lipton.
-My mum makes lovely blancmange, doesn't she? -I wouldn't know, Ivy.
No, of course you wouldn't.
Sorry, Dad.
You've got a treat in store, Mr Stokes.
Mrs Lipton's pink blancmange is almost as well known as her cherry cake.
Just a little tap all the way round.
Just to loosen it in the mould.
And hey presto.
I love pink custard.
Did you enjoy that Desert Song thing last night, Teddy? Not bad.
Some of the chorus girls were damn pretty, especially in the harem scene.
I don't like the way they use all that make-up.
Harem girls don't have scrubbed faces and glasses, Teddy.
(Knocking on door) Come.
-Your coffee, m'lord.
-Thank you, James.
-Will you be going to the City today, sir? -No, I don't think so.
-That's all right, we'll pour it.
-Very good, m'lord.
-May I say something, m'lord? -What is it? Well, I've no wish to speak out of turn, but I feel it my duty to tell you that Lady Lavender has asked Ivy the maid to telephone her solicitor again.
He's just arrived and Mr Stokes has escorted him to her room by the back stairs.
Thank you for telling us.
-I hope I did the right thing.
-Definitely.
Thank you, sir.
What's she up to now? Don't worry, Franklyn will come down and tell us everything.
You know what an old toad he is.
-What's she saying, Dad? -I can't hear.
That's the trouble with these posh houses, they make the doors too thick.
When he comes out, can I have a word with him? I don't want Lady Lavender to give me them shares.
It'll cause too much trouble.
You keep your mouth shut.
Hey up, here he comes, make yourself scarce.
Good day, m'lady.
CAPTAIN: Come in.
LADY LAVENDER: Shut up.
-Everything all right, sir? -I want to see His Lordship immediately.
I'll find out if he's free.
Come this way.
Excuse me, sir.
About Lady Lavender and those shares, I don't want them.
She doesn't know what she's saying, sir.
She's a very simple girl.
You needn't concern yourself, girl.
You are no longer the beneficiary.
You what? Lady Lavender has changed her mind.
She's given the shares to you.
-To me? -Yes.
-You are Alfred Stokes, are you not? -Yes.
Then I'm sure you'll agree the idea is totally absurd.
I must see His Lordship at once.
-At once? -Yes, now.
Well, if you'll wait in the dining room, sir, I'll inform His Lordship.
Well, hurry up.
I've got to stop Franklyn seeing His Lordship.
Go outside the front door, close it, count to 1 0 then start knocking.
-What for? -Never mind.
Just do as I tell you.
Come in.
-What is it, Stokes? -I'm sorry to trouble you, sir, but I've just seen Sir Ralph coming up the drive with a horsewhip.
What? Get away from that window.
What am I going to do? He'll be knocking at the door any minute, sir.
(Banging on door) -That'll be him now.
-Oh, God.
May I suggest you leave by the back door? I'll escort you through the servants' hall.
Right.
-I must speak with you.
-Not now.
(Banging on door) Have you had a word with His Lordship? No, he left rather hurriedly by the servants' entrance.
Oh, I see.
-Shouldn't you use the servants' entrance? -Not when His Lordship's using it.
I'll telephone him tomorrow.
It's me, Ivy.
I'm sorry to bother you in the middle of the morning.
I know I don't usually get on to you at this time of day, but it's urgent.
Please don't let me dad have them shares.
It's bad for his greed.
I'll explain it to you tonight when I'm saying my prayers at the usual time.
-Ivy! Ivy, where are you? -Oh, heck.
It's Mr Teddy.
Don't worry, I'll deal with him this time.
You just look after me dad.
Thank you.
IVY: Get off! From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear this same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham Club The Charleston at The Ritz #And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits Talking flicks are here today And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.