Your Family Or Mine (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

A costume birthday dinner? Dani's turning 23, not 10.
Why can't your sister just have a normal birthday? It's Dani's day.
She gets to choose what she wants to do.
Well, I wanted to go as Russell Wilson from the Seahawks.
What happened to that costume? I wanted us to match.
Who would I have gone as a cheerleader? Yes! I would have loved that! Why can't your family just be normal? I love my family.
They're awesome.
What, you want them to be more like your family? Yes.
You show up, you throw out a bunch of insults disguised as compliments, pretend to eat my mom's cooking, watch my dad fall asleep mid-sentence, and you go home.
With your family, it's all Hugging for too long and playing twister games with your sisters that make me very uncomfortable, and your dad making us talk about our feelings all the time.
Oliver, he's a psychology professor.
Of course he does that.
Feelings are his jam.
I hope Dani likes the psychic I got her for her present.
I'm sure she's gonna love it.
I'm just glad it's coming from you and not me.
Why? Because if the psychic gave someone a bad reading, your family would blame me for it and call me the birthday ruiner again.
Well, you have ruined a lot of birthdays at my parents' house.
Whatever I guess it's better than what they called me when we were first dating.
"Small-iver"? Like it's my fault your dad is unnaturally tall.
Hey, you got a text.
It's from Dani.
"Canceled the costume part of the party.
Forgot to tell you"! Well, I don't know.
Maybe we should go like this anyway.
Dressing up is fun.
I love my crown, and I'll turn around "Small-iver.
" Okay, everybody, look at me.
- Grandpa! - Hey, Munchkins.
- Aww.
- Look at you, so beautiful.
- Hi, dad.
- Mwah.
Hey, Gil.
Oliver, get in here.
Oh, come on! Real hug! It's a torso, not a hornets' nest.
Let's try that again.
Mm.
Okay, that was too much.
Not sure it's appropriate to press Peters with your wife and children right here.
- There they are.
- Grandma! Hugs! Hugs! Oh, and there's my angel.
- Hi, mom.
- Mm! And Oliver, my favorite son-in-law.
Aw.
Your only son-in-law, but thank you.
Jan, be careful.
He got a little handsy with me.
Hey, girls, Dougie's downstairs if you want to go play with him.
Best not to bring your toys.
He'll probably break them.
Okay! What's going on here? On, Enzo's installing a TV for us.
He is so handy.
Hear that, Oliver? "Handy," not "handsy.
" So, Shawni's boyfriend is installing a TV? Are you guys sure he knows what he's doing? I know he knows what he's doing.
He's great with everything.
I love that guy.
Oh, yeah, he's the best.
And your sister says he has a tongue like a hummingbird.
I'm just glad I finally talked Gil into putting a TV in the living room.
I need it for the big surprise I have planned for Dani's birthday.
Plus, "Scandal"! Right? Happy Birthday, nugget! - Hey, sister! - Hi.
Hey, Oliver.
Happy Birthday, Dani.
I can't believe my sweet pea is 23.
Oh, neither can I.
- But it's okay.
I got a fake I.
D.
- For what? To get into clubs that don't let in people over 22.
There are clubs like that? Tons! 'Cause who wants to party with a bunch of old people, right? I better get back to the kitchen.
I have two cakes to make A regular one for Dani and a vegan one for Shawni.
It's the same cake.
I just spell out "happy birthday" in carrots.
So, Dani, when you blow out your candles, what are you gonna wish for? A puppy that fits in one hand and can say "I love you.
" And for you to not ruin my birthday.
Come on, Dani.
That only happened a couple times.
And it won't happen again.
I mean it's not gonna be like the game.
Honey, we don't need to bring that up.
We talking about the game? Great story.
There's really no reason to tell the story.
Remember, Dani? That game we used to play as kids.
You know, where the whole family would anonymously write down what they thought of everyone else, and each person has a can in front of them, and they read what everyone wrote? This is so exciting.
We haven't played this game in years.
Shawni, why don't you go first since it's your birthday.
Okay.
"You look so beautiful today.
I love you.
" Aww.
Aww.
"You always make me laugh.
You're the best sister [Lin the world"! Aww.
Stop the game! - What? - Yeah, w-we have to stop the game and start over.
I didn't understand the rules.
- I'm just gonna collect - "You look ridiculous.
Pick a personality and stay with it.
" Oh, my God.
Who would write that? Wha honey, you said anonymous "They invented breath mints for a reason"? Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry "Only strippers should dress like strippers.
" What?! God damn it, Small-iver! Okay, in my defense, when my brothers and I played games like that, we played them very differently.
Wait, is the psychic here yet? Yes.
She's all set up in dad's office.
Thank you guys so much.
I'm working on all the questions I want to ask her.
"Will I be famous?" That's all I have so far.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Shawni.
Mm.
Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
How can you be late? You live in the basement.
What happened? Uh, what didn't happen? Dougie turned on the stove and then didn't tell me about it, and then I couldn't find my left shoe, and then my stupid burner phone ran out of minutes.
Seriously, you guys should be having a party for me after the day I've had.
But, you know, it's not your birthday.
It's Dani's.
I have a birthday, too, you know.
Yeah.
But it's not today.
Hey, Shawni, did you know Kelli got a psychic? Maybe she could tell me about my birth parents.
Shawni, you're not adopted.
You don't know that.
Maybe I am.
I mean, I'm not saying that some king somewhere had an affair and then, you know, shipped the baby off to Seattle and that I'm actually a princess But I'm not not saying it, you know? Hey, so, since I don't have my questions yet, do one of you guys want to go first? Kelli, you should go.
You paid for it.
Okay.
Wish me luck! Okay.
So, I promise not to tell anybody What are you planning to do to ruin Dani's birthday? I don't have a plan.
'Cause I'm not gonna ruin her birthday, I swear.
Come on.
That's what you said about my mom's birthday, remember? I do remember, but there's no need to bring that up.
We talking about the cake? Okay! I picked up the cake.
Aw, thanks, babe.
- Hey, Shawni.
- Hey.
This is my boyfriend, Axel.
- Hey, Axel.
How are you? - Hi, Axel.
Cool.
Oli, did you check this, make sure they spelled her name right? This place messes up sometimes.
Um, yep.
Holy shit! Oh, dear God, that cake is a vagina! Okay, maybe I forgot to check it.
Oh, Axel, come and check out this vag cake.
We we can't give this cake to mom.
We have no cake.
God damn it, Small-iver! You ruined Jan's birthday! Now, come on.
The birthday's not ruined.
We can just cut the vagina part off.
See, we'll use the knife.
See? You know, that was really the bakery's fault.
And I'm sure the lesbian bachelorette party was just as disappointed to get the "Happy Birthday, Jan" cake.
Either way, chalk it up to another one for the birthday ruiner.
Hey, baby.
The TV's coming along.
You're so good at that.
You're so good at everything.
Look, it's almost "Scandal" time, Jan.
Hey! Yay! Enzo and I are "Scandal" buddies.
Plus, he's the only one who will go to the gun range with me.
Oh, Dani, I am so excited to show you my surprise.
You're gonna cry.
I can cry right now if you want.
I'm really good at it.
Sometimes, it makes guys get you stuff.
It's how I got that Vespa I lost at the mall.
I know I'm running a little bit behind, but this will be done before everyone leaves.
I promise.
Well, even if it's not, you know what they say.
If you build it, they will come.
What did you just say? Oliver, no.
What? Do you guys not know what I'm talking about? It's a line from a movie.
"Field of Dreams"? Kevin Costner? Here we go again with that goddamn Kevin Costner! Oliver, another birthday? I don't know what just happened, but I feel like I should leave, too.
Hey! What just happened out there?! My "mom" has a thing for Kevin Costner, and it really upsets my "dad.
" Please stop doing that.
You are not adopted.
Where did everybody go? - Oliver mentioned Kevin Costner.
- Oh, no! Then dad freaked out and ran upstairs.
Oh! "Will Kevin Costner be my new daddy?" Honey, how was I supposed to know your mom had a crush on Kevin Costner? It's not just the crush.
When my dad was in college, he wrote a poem about some of the local Indian tribes, and he said Costner stole it for the movie "Dances With Wolves.
" Kevin Costner stole a poem from your dad And turned it into "Dances With Wolves"? It's true.
Okay, you know what? I'll fix it.
I'll go talk to him.
I am not gonna ruin another birthday.
Oh, baby, it's not your fault.
You didn't know.
Well, it's not, my fault, is it? I mean, Kevin Costner is every woman's dream.
Is he? I'd do him.
I'll fix it.
- Hey, how was your reading? - Great.
A lot of vague and generally good stuff is gonna happen to me.
Okay, I'm gonna go in there and I'm gonna ask about my birth parents, but if I do not find out that I'm a queen or a princess or, at the very least, a Kardashian, I'm gonna get my money back.
You're not adopted.
I was there.
You ripped my betweenus.
Gil! What is going on?! I'm done with this Costner bullshit.
Done! I'm going to a hotel.
Come on.
That's crazy.
I mean, is this really such a big deal? Listen, Kelli likes Ryan Gosling, but I don't get mad about it.
Okay, but does she ever say, "yes, yes, give it to me, Ryan Gosling," during sex?! Ew.
No.
But, look, Jan loves you, okay? Not some actor that she doesn't even know.
He's a terrible person.
"Based on a poem by Gil Durnin.
" How hard would that have been? And who knew he reads neighborhood literary magazines? No one.
That's probably how he gets away with it.
Gil, listen.
Jan loves you, okay? And you're way better than some arrogant actor.
Oliver, please.
I'm no Costner.
You know what, Gil? If I were gay I would want you more than him.
You're just saying that.
No.
Gil, look, you're an amazing man.
You're smart.
You're funny.
You're caring.
But what about the age difference? Love doesn't see age, Gil.
That's so sweet, but it'd never work.
I'm a morning person.
You're a night person.
I need someone more in touch with their feelings.
I mean, I'm a romantic, Oliver.
Okay, you know that this is all hypothetical, right? Okay, I've hurt you, and now you're lashing out.
Gil, listen.
Let's just go back downstairs, we'll pretend this never happened, and we'll celebrate your daughter's birthday with your family, okay? They need you.
You're their leader, the rock that holds this family together.
I am, aren't I? You're right.
But please, no more talking about your feelings for me.
You're married to my daughter.
Okay, well, that sucked.
She said that I wasn't adopted and that I was gonna have a long and happy life and a great family and a satisfying career.
Clearly setting me up for a fall.
- Hey, dad, are you okay? - I'm fine.
Where's your mother? I think I need to apologize.
She's in the kitchen.
Wow.
Nice work.
Yep, maybe your family will call me the birthday saver from now on.
Remember how close you were on my birthday? With the stairs? Ooh, what happened with the stairs? Well Honey, I don't think we need to rehash that whole thing.
We talking about the stairs? Ooh, that was a real mess.
Oh, you guys! I thought it was maybe Well, guys, I did it.
I made it through a birthday at the Durnins without even Oh, my God! Baby, are you okay?! Ow! My ankle! Oh Oh Okay, everybody, get your coats.
We're going to the hospital.
The birthday ruiner strikes again.
Guys, can we please stop telling these stories? Oh, okay.
Okay.
Everyone, sit.
I thought I had lost this forever.
But the other day, I was out in the garage looking for a crowbar 'Cause sometimes you just want to smash stuff, you know? And I found this.
It's so precious.
I can't wait for everyone to see it.
What is that, mom? It's a videotape, sweet pea.
Oh! Thank you so much.
I love it.
No.
No, honey, that's not the present.
We need to watch it on the TV.
Oh! Okay.
Let's fire this baby up.
Whoops.
Well, it looks like there's a new birthday ruiner in town.
Whoa.
Not okay, Oliver.
Not okay at all.
Why are you putting this on Enzo? Oh well, I just thought 'cause You know, the thing broke and kind of ruined the birthday.
He didn't ruin anything.
It's not his fault.
He worked really hard on that.
We should thank him again.
Thank you, Enzo.
Good try.
Thank you, Enzo.
Whoa, seriously? Come on.
I fall down some stairs because someone left a roller blade on them and you call me a birthday ruiner.
But then Enzo, the guy who puts up a TV wrong because he has no idea what he's doing and it crashes to the floor and shorts out the electrical system, and you say "thank you, good try"?! Oh, my God, I can't believe you people! "Oh, Enzo, you're the best.
" "Oh, Enzo, you're the greatest.
" "We love you, Enzo.
" "Why don't you just marry all our daughters?" We can still see you, honey.
Aww.
Baby, are you okay? I'm so sorry.
It's just frustrating, you know? I mean, I've been in this family for 10 years, and he shows up a year ago and everybody loves him.
I know.
It's not fair.
Oliver, I want to apologize.
I didn't want to make you feel bad.
I really didn't.
You're a great son-in-law, and I really enjoyed our talk together.
You're not the birthday ruiner.
We will never use that nickname ever again.
Never, ever.
We promise.
We love you.
We're so sorry.
Will you accept our apology? Yeah.
Of course.
And it's really cool of you guys to come to me and apologize like that.
It means a lot.
You're welcome.
It was Enzo's idea.
Okay.
I'm pretty sure this thing is all set.
How did it go? Not great.
She said she didn't think I would be famous.
Hey, don't believe her.
She's a bitch, and she sucks.
Sad.
So, who's ready for the surprise? It's Dani's baby video.
It's in the hospital room right after she was born.
Okay.
Let's just watch.
Aww.
Look at baby Dani.
She's so small in dad's hands.
You are so cute.
You really are a princess.
I look fat.
Honey, you were perfect.
I love you all so much.
Aww.
We love you too, dad.
Oh, look, it's dad with a ponytail.
I've never seen you with one.
Oh, wait.
I want to see it.
Baby, rewind it.
Okay.
Oliver, uh, be careful, 'cause it was cued up to a specific It won't stop rewinding.
I'm pushing the button but nothing's happening.
I can see the head.
Here she comes.
Turn it off! Aah! I'm sorry, everyone.
My name is Small-iver And I'm a birthday ruiner.
I can't believe I saw your mom giving birth to Dani.
Like, actually giving birth.
Like, right there.
Your dad was way too crazy with the zoom.
Okay, here's the deal We're never gonna talk about it again, okay? We're gonna pretend it never happened.
Got it.
Okay.
Great idea.
Never happened.
I just can't get that image t my mind.
Neither can I, but it's never gonna go away until we stop talking about it.
Can I say one more thing about it? - No.
- All right.
Fine.
What is it? It's It looked just like the cake.
- Oh, God, why?! - I'm sorry.
- I'm done now.
I'm done.
- Oh! Ugh! It really did look like the cake, didn't it? - Right? - Yeah.
Ha ha ha! - Ew! - Ugh!