2 Broke Girls s01e03 Episode Script

*** Max, a woman in my section wants to know if we do anything gluten-free.
What do I tell her? Tell her she's not allergic to gluten, she's just masking an eating disorder.
Look alive, people.
Club sandwich, burger medium, and a shrimp salad for the gamblin' man.
I asked for salt and pepper.
I wanted mayonnaise and mustard.
You forgot my diet soda.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be right back with-- Oh, what? Never doubt me.
Here's my last check, Earl.
Look here, Max.
That lady just slipped me her number.
Like I need another menopausal white woman scratchin' at my window like a cat in heat.
God, I love money.
I know, I'm so sorry it broke up with you.
Look! This week's new iPad just came out.
Spread the words.
Word.
Word! I saw that on The Wire.
Max, three weeks in a row you have not yet accepted my request to be a Facebook friend.
Max? I am talking to you.
Oh, I didn't hear you, I have my earbuds in.
What are these? Okay, you had to bust a move, and get "the truth" on my ass? Fine, let's go there.
Han, I'm never gonna be your Facebook friend.
Oof! Hard to hear.
Well, I accepted you, Han.
Yes, thank you.
You make my heart sing.
Oof.
Hurt me still.
That was like watching someone club a baby seal.
Why wouldn't you just say yes to his friend request? Because I never check Facebook, why would I? So some girl I worked at a movie theater with in 2005 can tell me it's raining and she's "totes bummed?" Caroline! Better check Facebook page.
Maybe someone just post on your wall.
"Han Lee has tagged you in 25 photos?" Want to borrow my seal club yet? Oh, that stings.
I've lost like 300 Facebook friends since my father was arrested.
Well, your father's probably made that many new friends in prison, so it all evens out.
Okay, ready to go? Do we have to? It's so hot outside.
When did heat get so hot? Stop fighting it, just give in to it.
I don't know why I'm quoting a rapist.
Can't we just stay a little bit longer? We don't have any A.
C.
at home.
I have an A.
C.
you girls can use.
You have an air conditioner that works? Oh, it works.
That's like an A.
C.
that just had salami.
There's more salami where that came from.
And my feet hurt.
Well, you gotta stop wearing those stilts, and get a pair of Skechers, like normal broke-ass waitresses.
Skechers? How dare you.
Besides, I can't afford new shoes.
These cost $900.
Well, then that's not pain, that's karma.
Look, I will help you out, okay? I know a place we can go that has designer things at good prices.
Like a Barney's warehouse? Kind of.
The Goodwill? Welcome to my place! We're shopping at the Goodwill? You led me to believe we were real-shopping.
I know.
I couldn't wait to see your face when you saw this place.
Do the face again.
I love it! Okay, what's that smell? It's gonna be your smell from now on.
Now, pay attention, I know where the good stuff is.
I know where the good stuff is.
Madison and 57th.
Follow me.
Clever bitches hide stuff they want to come back and buy, 'cause sometimes they don't have $3 to buy it at the time.
Who doesn't have $3? You.
Last week I hid a dope vintage blazer in the back of a nightstand, and here it is! Six bucks, clever bitch.
Bang, bang! All right, well, we're here.
I'm gonna make the best of it, but first I need a basket without a sno-cone in it.
Hey, Trish.
Not for day-to-day, but at the country club.
You're kidding, but you're right.
Hey, when you find something, check the pockets for pills.
At a thrift store downtown I found a purple one once, and took it.
Fell asleep for eight hours.
That was my vacation that year.
Yay, shoes! Oh, I can't believe I just said, "yay," in Goodwill.
Look, don't freak.
Shoes can be funky, but I have a special spray at home that makes them like new.
Did you get it from a wizard? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, these Brian Atwoods were mine.
I donated these to charity, 'cause I was photographed wearing them twice.
Okay, they were $800 when I bought them, now they're $8? Like me.
I'm $8.
Oh, my God.
I'm $8.
I've been reduced.
I'm sorry, it just all became so real to me.
I mean, I can't believe it.
Um, didn't you see me crying? Lots of people cry at Goodwill.
You go to France, you eat snails.
You come here, you cry.
That's odd, you didn't even react.
You need to react when people cry.
I did, I rolled my eyes.
Look, eventually, you'll learn to do that on the inside.
Okay, well, just FYI, when I used to cry in front of my other girlfriends, they'd be like, "What you cryin' about, C-line? "Look at you, girl, you're fierce, you got your glam on.
" Are your girlfriends black drag queens? Oh, awesome strokes tee.
I went to this concert, but I couldn't afford the shirt.
Oh, we're done with me.
I went to see them on this tour the summer after my junior year.
It was a really warm night, and I snuck out of the house, and we all ma-- Ahem.
Whatever.
And what? What, did something great happen the night you got the t? Look at me, does it look like something great ever happens? Hey, cute tee.
Had my eye on it.
I was just bringin' my girl back to see it.
She was in the bathroom.
I had to throw up.
So hand it over.
You know the rule.
Turn the back on the rack, you're under attack.
That's not me, that's the law of the 'Will.
Yeah, you better walk away.
That was intense.
Ah, just another Wednesday at the 'Will.
You said to look in things, right? Max, look.
On my first try! Ooh, slick.
Whoever hid those is gonna be pissed.
Quality check.
Fabric sturdy, no mysterious crotch stains, nice work, Nancy Drew.
And look, they're designer.
Summer 2009.
$350.
And for me today $5.
That's a reduction I like.
$5! Oh! $5, $5, $5, $5 $5, $5 Hi, Maria.
How are you, Max? I'm good, how's your mom doin'? Good.
She really appreciated the cupcakes you made her.
Hi, Maria, I'm Caroline, Max's friend.
Any way we can get the price down a bit for these? I think $8 is steep, considering their condition.
I happen to know the heel has been replaced.
I cannot believe you're trying to shoe her down.
I can do $6.
Deal.
Oh, you happy? You haggled a charity.
You're turning Goodwill into bad will.
My t-shirt's gone.
It's not here.
I bet it was that Puerto Rican girl, who was-- who was eyeing it.
Maria, can we call security? I'm sure one of the cameras must have captured the theft.
Cameras? What do you think this is, target? It's gone, Caroline.
She must have stolen it while I was watching you do your stupid $5 dance.
I didn't turn my back on the rack, why am I under attack? See, this is why I shop alone, this is why I eat alone, this is why I'm leaving alone.
Maria, I'll pay for these.
You don't have to box them, you can just use tissue paper.
Even as I'm saying this, I know it's not gonna happen.
Chestnut Hot as a mother, right? Better, right? It's gettin' hot in here so hot! so take off all your clothes I am gettin' so hot I'm gonna take my clothes off You might want to keep your voice down.
This building has three registered sex offenders.
It's gettin' hot in here so leave all that strokes tee shirt drama behind Come on, it's our night off.
Let's go get drunk in air conditioning.
We won't even have to pay for drinks.
These "shotes" is gonna pay for our drinks.
You are literally a $5 whore right now.
Come on.
Ai-ee ai-ee ai-ee ai-ee Hey, Johnny.
I thought I told you to keep your dumb, tragic ass out of here.
The only thing that isn't tragic about me is my ass.
And who's the blonde, bony skank? Oh, dude, she's not in on this.
Oh, I'm so sorry, miss.
Hey, I'm Johnny, I'm Max's friend.
I'm Caroline.
I'm freaked out.
This is something we do.
- To remind us of our families.
- Mm-hmm.
Excuse me for a second.
These guys tip more if I high-five 'em when we talk about chicks.
Vagina! Yeah! Wow.
Girl, your bartender friend is cute.
Look at those arms.
Nice guns.
He's not just a bartender, this dude is legit.
He's a street artist, goes by "Jpeg.
" Hmm.
Well, right now he's cutting up limes and cleaning glasses.
Well, you're an heiress who's slinging burnt hash and stale toast.
Touche.
Douch-ay.
These are from the gentleman with a sweet note, "Nice ass, nice rack.
" Whoo! Hoo.
If that's your tequila noise, God knows what your orgasm sounds like.
Same face, no sound.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe it, it's the girl from the 'Will.
I got your back, gir-r-r.
What is she doin'? She thinks Goodwill has made her tough.
Um, hi.
How are you? I just wanted to talk to you about that shirt at the Goodwill.
See, my friend really wanted it, and, well, your friend has it.
What are you sayin', bitch? Okay, I think we might have got off on the wrong foot.
Do you want to feel my foot, bitch? Well, I guess we know what your favorite word is.
Ow! Those are not extensions, bitch! Oh! I should break this up, I should break this up.
No, no, no, give her like four seconds to learn her lesson.
Oh, okay, ow! All right.
All right! - Okay, okay, okay.
- Ow! Oh, oh.
Okay, come on, come on.
- Oh! - It's okay.
Those are not extensions, bitch! Are you still laughing, 'cause it wasn't funny.
It was so funny.
It was like looney tunes funny.
It was like Bugs Bunny getting shot in the face funny.
Only in your version, Bugs Bunny tries to have a dialogue with the shotgun.
I was trying to get your t-shirt back.
I wanted you to have it, because you lit up at the 'Will when you saw it.
I do not light up, okay? There's no light inside me.
What you're seeing is probably radiation from the summer I collected uranium tubes by the train tracks.
That was good money.
Thanks for looking out for me, Caroline.
You're welcome, Max.
It's a t-shirt, it's gone.
I don't get attached to things.
Ow.
My nail practically got torn off back there by "Cat Von D-Minus.
" I'm gonna have to sleep with it elevated.
Is there a nail place around here? Well, this is New York, so there's probably gonna be one right here.
Love when that happens.
Look, a two-for-one girlfriend special.
Genius.
Go with me tomorrow before work, it'll be cheaper if we both go.
I really need one.
Plus, you need one, too.
Well, I can't.
I have my own day of luxury already booked.
I'm doing a laundry, and then the tasting menu at Wendy's.
Come on.
You and me, nails, and air conditioning.
It'll be fun.
You're doin' it, gir-r-rl.
Me and my friends used to love getting manicures.
'Cause they're black drag queens? Ai-ee ai-ee ai-ee ai-ee Oh.
Hey, dude.
It's about that time? Let me get the pooper scooper.
All right.
Let's do this.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Let me ask you something.
How is it that you, a horse, and Caroline are both living with me, and you're less of a problem for me? I mean, you tell me, you've known her longer.
She picks a fight with a tatted-out white chick from the Bronx? What is up with that? I don't know, man, I'm just used to it.
That's what you'd sound like, if you talked.
I agree with you, by the way.
Everything you say is right, Max.
Thank you, Chestnut.
You should kill her.
Chestnut! I can't do that.
It'll be easy.
We could kill her and eat her.
Chestnut! All right, buddy, here's your spot.
Come on, do your business.
Come on, Ches.
Buh-buh-buh buh-buh.
Buh-buh-buh buh-boo.
Come on.
Come on! Come on, Chestnut, I got a lot of crap to do today.
And so do you.
Jeez, don't be shy, buddy I hope you're happy.
I look like a Cambodian stripper.
Um, they prefer to be called "ping pong ball artists.
" These cost $70.
43.
She forced me to get tips, and then tip her for the tips.
See, and all because you never showed up, I didn't get the two-for-one discount, because I was waiting alone, for you.
Max, I have really tried to be girlfriends with you, but you obviously have some issues.
Follow me to the walk-in.
Good, let's get it out.
Here.
I thought we were gonna talk.
No, we just didn't have any chocolate cream in the case.
Why didn't you show up? You told me you were gonna be there.
Well, I had a lot of crap to do.
Well, you gave me the impression you were going.
I gave you the impression? I don't do impressions.
Well, wait, that's not true, I do one, my mom.
But to do that.
I need a Christmas tree, a gallon of vodka, and a lit cigarette.
So are we gonna be girlfriends or not? Look, I'm gonna give this to you straight up.
I am never gonna be the type of girlfriend you're used to.
I am not your gir-r-r, or your gir-r-rl, and I am definitely not someone's two-for-one girlfriend crap at a nail store.
In fact, think of me as a dude.
So-o-o, are we good? Yeah.
We good.
I get it.
You're not a girl's girl.
Okay, good.
I can be a girl's girl.
Oh, Caroline, please do not take advantage of me with your horse.
What? My trash pick up company charged me extra, because my dumpster is full of all your horse droppings.
How would that be possible? I see your good friend, Max, walking your horse every morning and dropping droppings in my dumpster.
Hi.
Hello.
Did you walk my horse today? Yeah, and every other morning.
That's so sweet.
I wish I had known.
Well, what was I gonna do, post it on your Facebook wall? "Ha, walked a horse again today.
Totes gross.
" Besides, who did you think was doing it? I've always just had things done for me, I've never really thought about the people doing them.
Yeah, and I've never had things done for me, so I just do them.
Like now, how I'm making the coffee, and you're just standing here watching me.
Still, I wish you would have told me, so I could say thank you.
Well, it's not really my style.
You are one complicated dude.
Pick up, borscht.
- Unbelievable.
- What? Hey.
How you guys doin'? Cute strokes tee.
Probably look better on me, considering it's mine.
You snooze, you lose, puta.
Nice language! You kiss your obviously closeted boyfriend with that mouth? You know what? I wouldn't even want it now.
Now that it's been on you, might as well have been a Kenny G shirt.
And now I walk.
You can't just let her win.
Oh, forget it, it's over.
Borscht! Pick up, pick up.
Hi, I'll be right with you.
Oh! - Idiota! - Oh.
Esta camiseta me costo cuatro dolares! Te voy a cortar.
Lo siento.
Todo es mi culpa.
I'm still a little clumsy, it's my first week.
I'll bring you some soda water, but seriously, your boyfriend will come out before that borscht stain does.
That was awesome.
Yeah.
I kinda just do stuff.
Like I just did, while you were standing there watching me.
Thanks, gir-r-rlfriend.
Oh.
What, is she coming for me? Run.