30 Rock s01e03 Episode Script

Now, Robot, kick 'em in the knees.
Bears have weak knees.
And you should vibrate, 'cause the robot's full of radiation.
Yeah, that's it.
Frank.
How many bears did I say you could have? One.
And how many do you see here? Um, four? Save a little money for the rest of us, Frank.
You can't spend a bunch of money on bear suits that are only gonna be seen for, like, 25 seconds.
Liz, nobody's gonna believe that a killer robot can get his ass kicked by one bear.
It doesn't make any sense.
You're trying to bring logic to the robot-bear sketch? You can't have four bears.
Well, how many can I keep? One! Sorry, guys.
Uh, who did my Sudoku puzzle? I have been looking forward to this puzzle all morning.
Hey, Liz, could you come up to my office when you have a free moment? I never have a free moment, Jack.
Never, ever.
Really punch him.
Like karate.
Are you familiar with the Japanese art of Reiki? No.
It is the laying-on of hands in order to improve one's life.
Hm, how does your life improve? Do the hands have money in them? Human contact is important, Lemon.
I can tell from your stress level that you have not been touched in any way in quite some time.
Not caress?? Not massaged.
Not even groped on the subway.
Where are you headed with this? Your mood affects the quality of your work, which, in turn, affects me.
I would like to become a resource to you for improving your personal life.
Do you agree that you need someone in your life, Lemon? No, I have bigger things to worry about than my personal life.
I would think that a single woman's biggest worry would be choking to death alone in her apartment.
I have a friend in town I'd like to set you up with.
No, thank you.
Thomas is very bright, has a wonderful sense of humor.
I think it's a good match.
Are you free on Thursday? No, Thursday is poker night.
And by the way, it is completely inappropriate for you to be questioning me about my private life, and then trying to set me up with someone when you don't even know anything about me.
Poker night? Who plays? Really? That's all you got out of that? I enjoy poker, and I'd be interested in seeing my new employees under that kind of pressure.
You're not gonna come to our crappy poker game, are you? No, I'm not.
Good.
I bluffed.
Yes, I am coming.
Three can't go here.
Three can't go here.
It can go here.
Fine, I'll meet your friend.
So who is this Thomas guy? Oh, I don't know.
He's one of Jack's friends.
Oh, my God, isn't Jack friends with Tom DeLay? Am I going on a date with Tom DeLay? Ugh, why did I say I would do this? I haven't been on a date since Dennis and I broke up, and that was almost a year ago.
It's gonna be a complete disaster.
It's just one date.
But if it is Tom DeLay and you do go home with him, be prepared for it to get weird.
Josh, you and me.
Thursday night.
I know this guy that runs an underground bird fight.
Oh, yeah.
I can't do that.
Thursday's poker night here.
Guys, we just need to try the green screen stuff one more time.
Poker night? I love poker.
I used to play all kinds of poker with my aunt.
Crazy Seven.
Albuquerque Freakout.
One Card Stud.
Yeah, I don't think those are real games.
Whatever.
Get ready to get took.
No, Mom, I can't make it Friday.
I gotta work.
Hey, Frank? Hold on.
Yeah.
What do guys like? Uh, porn.
No, I mean, if you were gonna go on a date with a woman, how would you want her to act? Like she was in a porn.
Hey, Lemon.
You're on for 8:00 for dinner at Café des Artistes.
Really? Wow.
What? What are you gonna wear? This, probably.
I don't have time to go home.
No, that won't do.
I want you to go out on your lunch hour, and find something.
At a women's clothing store.
Remind me what's better.
A pair of black Aces or a pair of red Aces? You guys, I'm leaving.
All right.
All right.
Check out the valley.
Look at that.
Hey, look at you! You look like a fancy prostitute.
Okay, I got my chair.
I got my beer.
I got my lucky donut.
Oh, is there room for one more? Yeah, sure.
Really? That's fantastic.
Could we just, uh-- Yes, yes, yes.
Donaghy, what up? What up, Tray? This round, Texas Doozy.
Face cards are wild.
Threes are jinx.
Fives are twos.
Tray, do you mind if I deal this hand? Be my guest.
Show me love.
Ladies and gentlemen, the minimum bet in this game is $25.
Oh, Jack, we usually just play for quarters.
Well, then you best go home and put on your daddy's shoes, boy.
'Cause this is a man's game.
I call.
And I'll see that with This thing.
I call.
Pair of Jacks.
Ace high.
Three cowboys.
Oh, my God.
My wedding ring.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Now, you should all learn from Pete's mistake.
My wife's gonna kill me! You see, in poker as in business, the key to success is to determine your opponent's strength and, more importantly, his weaknesses.
Everyone has a tell-- a weakness of character that manifests itself physically.
Oh.
Like when Lutz here has a good hand, he stops eating.
When Frank is bluffing, he asks a series of insane questions to hide his nervousness.
Oh, really? Is that what you think? Is that what I do? Am I doing that right now? Yeah, I'm out.
Okay, Rainman, tell me what I got.
Well, you have two of your cards backwards actually.
I'm out.
Hi.
Pinot grigio, please.
This is beyond the pale.
Donaghy took me for $200.
Yeah, well I bet my rent money.
And if I don't pay by the tenth, my mom's gonna throw me out.
I'm all in.
Anybody else? Oh, I'll play with you, Mr.
Donaghy.
Kenneth, how long you been sitting there? I'm taking Pete's place, 'cause he's busy in the bathroom, laying in his own sick.
Oh, my God.
He can't read Kenneth.
He's a blank slate.
Okay, what do you got? I think I have what they refer to as a royal flush.
Looks like I'm the big winner.
Thank you.
Liz, hi.
I'm Gretchen Thomas.
Jack's friend.
Hey.
Great to meet you.
Hi.
Why would Jack just assume that we're lesbians? I am a lesbian.
Mm, that's awesome.
Is this the first time somebody's made that assumption about you? Lemon, don't let these girls give you a hard time about who you are.
You know, you need to brush your teeth more, young man.
Oh, my.
What an adorable little lesbian.
What? I don't know.
Who remembers that kind of thing? Well, look, obviously this is a miscommunication.
I mean, I'm certainly not interested in chasing a straight girl.
Of course, yeah.
I completely understand if you just want to go home.
No, it's fine.
I'll stay.
Jack is ridiculous.
Oh, I worked with Jack in Plastics.
He tends to approach everything the same way.
Locate the problem.
Isolate the problem.
Set the problem up with a lesbian.
That's a pretty good joke for somebody from Plastics.
Well, I wasn't always in Plastics.
I used to work in Water and Process Technologies.
Working mainly in primary metals.
Oh, so you have a comedy background.
How was your evening with Thomas? You mean, Gretchen Thomas? The brilliant plastics engineer/lesbian? What made you think I was gay? Your shoes.
Well, I'm straight.
Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.
Regardless, I am straight.
Well, I'm sorry if I offended you.
No, I'm not offended-- Good.
What do you know about Kenneth the page? I don't know.
He's a sweet kid.
Yes.
And a surprisingly good poker player.
Did you know that his middle name is Ellen? No, that's weird.
And that his Myers-Briggs-psychological testing shows shows a rare combination of extroverted, intuitive and aggressive? Really? The same as mine.
He could be trouble down the line.
Kenneth.
Kenneth Ellen.
All right then.
You're not a lesbian.
Duly noted.
I'll correct that on your file.
It's too bad, though.
Thomas thought you were great.
- She did? - Yes.
She said she thought you looked like Jennifer Jason Leigh.
Really? She said that? Yes, I made her repeat it.
I was sure she meant Jason Lee.
Miss Lemon.
Yeah.
This is Pete's wedding ring.
I won it last night, but I don't think I should keep it.
Could you give it back to him for me? Yeah, okay.
Did you win this, too? I did.
I love how the light catches it like diamonds.
Kenneth, it is diamonds.
Ah.
Hi, Mr.
Donaghy.
Can I help you with something? You are a puzzle Kenneth Ellen.
And I'm going to solve you.
Yes, I am.
I can't believe you bet your wedding ring.
I know.
The weird thing is I had money left.
Hey, um, what famous person would you say I look like? Uh, present day Linda Ronstadt.
No, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Tootsie.
Never mind.
So how was your date? It wasn't a good match.
What happened? - Did he notice your facial tic? - No.
Did you wear sandals? - Did he see your toes? - No.
You blew it, didn't you? Good job, Liz.
Way to go.
Another one bites the dust.
Ah, look at your little face.
It was a lady.
Are you serious? Where is my Emmy? Hello? Hi, Gretchen.
It's Liz Lemon.
Oh, hi.
Look, thiss gonna sound really weird, but, um, do you every worry about choking to death alone in your apartment? Oh, it's so weird you would say that.
I think about it all the time.
I mean, you'd die, and they wouldn't find you until your neighbor's dog smelled you from the hallway.
Ugh, yes, and they'd show a picture of you on New York One.
And it's not just choking.
Ever since I turned 30, every time I get in or out of the bathtub, I think in my head, "Careful, careful.
" Yes! Agh.
Everything's the worst.
Do you want to get some dinner? Sure.
See you in 20 at Neptune.
Yeah, okay.
Perfect, yeah.
Oh! Ow, ow, ow! I did not die.
Man, this is amazing.
Oh, hey, Jack.
Welcome.
Welcome, everybody.
Damn, Jack, you went all out.
That's a giant shrimp.
Made out of shrimp and diving into a bowl of shrimp.
Please, enjoy it, Tracy.
Hey, Pete, good to see you.
Jack.
Is Kenneth here? I--I will check.
I've been playing for two hours.
I'm tired of losing.
I'm gonna let my boy, Dotcom, play a hand for me.
So, hey, Dotcom, are we going to those three clubs tonight? You know the doctor said I have four hearts in my body? All right.
Great.
Of course he did.
Come on.
Damn it.
Hey, everybody, this is Gretchen.
Oh, hey.
Oh, Thomas.
Jack.
How's everybody up there in Pittsfield? Oh, we miss you.
I love this woman.
Let's play some poker.
I call.
What have you got, Kenneth? All clovers.
I win.
Very clever boy, Kenneth.
But the curtain has been drawn back now, and I know the real you.
I think he's confusing me with someone else.
Liz, are you sure you're not gay? 'Cause that chick is hot.
We're just friends, like Oprah and Gayle.
Why is that so hard for everybody to believe? She's great.
You should marry that girl.
One problem.
I'm not gay.
Oh, Lemon, in the ten years that I've known you, you've had some really terrible boyfriends.
I have.
There was the guy who was obsessed with Charlie Chaplin.
Neil.
There was the guy who played Halo under the name Slutbanger.
Dennis.
There was a tall, gangly, red-haired guy who played guitar all the time.
Conan.
You're more relaxed with Gretchen than you were with any of those guys.
So what are you saying, Pete? I should just be a lesbian? Well, I'm not saying it'll be easy.
You know, get drunk first.
Why do guys think women can just flip a switch like that? What if I said to you, "Go be with Frank now"? Ah, I would be honored.
Frank is a very tender, beautiful man.
He's awesome.
You can't read his thoughts, 'cause he doesn't have any.
I raise you 200.
And I see your 200 and raise you 300.
Will you, little Kenneth Ellen Parcell from Stone Mountain, Georgia? Growing up in your momma's tract house, dreaming of working on a TV show? Dreaming of making it all the way to the NBC.
You're scaring me, Mr.
Donaghy.
You've come a long way, haven't you, Kenneth Ellen? With your cheap loafers and your page jacket, but you'll always be a pig farmer's son, boy.
'Cause I smell fried bologna all over you.
I'm all in.
I'm out of chips, Mr.
Donaghy.
Hey, I got a fun idea.
You put your page jacket on the table, and if you win, you can get it back.
If you lose, you go on home.
You go on home, little Kenneth Ellen.
All the way to Stone Mountain.
He's bluffing.
Go for it.
He's bluffing.
Come on, trust yourself.
Trust yourself.
Don't do it.
No! You can do it.
Okay, okay.
Come on.
Use your instincts.
You've got good instincts.
Do it, Kenneth.
I've got a pair of twos.
Well, let's just see-weeby here.
I've got a two, a four, a nine, a six, and a King.
That means I win.
Kenneth.
Why did you bet that terrible hand? Why? BecauseI believe that life is for the living.
I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew.
And also, people were yelling, and I got confused about the rules.
Kenneth.
I wasn't really going to fire you.
I just wanted to remind you that I could.
I want you back here at 6:00 in the morning sharp so you can sweep up these shrimp tails.
Yes, sir, Mr.
Donaghy.
Uh, I'm gonna have my eye on you, Kenneth.
You will not be disappointed, sir.
Well, it was nice of you to let him keep his job.
The Italians have a saying, Lemon.
"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
" And although they've never won a war, or mass-produced a decent car, in this area, they are correct.
In five years, we'll all either be working for him or be dead by his hand.
Hey, after Ikea tomorrow, you wanna go see Margaret Cho at the Beacon? Oh, boy.
Um, Oprah? Yes, Gayle.
I think we need to take a break.
Is this because I waused to submit us for The Amazing Race? Because I was 80% joking about that.
No, it's-- You know, I said I'm not into chasing straight girls.
And I kinda think that's what's starting to happen here.
So unless you're ready to make a big life change, I need to move on, find my Steadman.
I thought I was Oprah in this metaphor.
Also, you're gay, so that's a little confusing.
You should say, like, "My lady Steadman.
" Okay.
I'm going out on a limb here.
Okay, sorry.
Um, it's just-- If I try to imagine us being together, I think, "Yeah, okay, this could be fun, you know? "Picking out furniture and making flower beds out of old railroad ties.
" But the thing is, if I'm gonna be with someone, it has to be a guy.
You sound pretty sure about that.
What can I say? I love a bald spot and a hairy back.
You're alone there.
I should go.
I'll see you around.
Okay, wait.
Um, what if we made a pact? What if we say that in, like, 25 years, if neither of us has someone, we'll move in together and be roommates.
And even though I am not into the sex stuff, if it helps you I would let you do stuff to me.
I can't be around you anymore.
Bye, Liz.
That's funny.
That's what the guys always say.
Who's gonna go with me to cooking class next weekend? Well, if by "cooking class" you mean your bed, and by "next weekend" you mean tonight-- Oh, shut up.
I can see your wedding ring.
Idiot.