9JKL (2017) s01e03 Episode Script

1 (TALKING QUIETLY) - Um, why are you in my apartment? - (GIGGLES) It's date night.
Shh.
Why are you having date night in my apartment? - We do every time you go out.
- (SIGHS) So, not a lot.
We like it in here.
We don't have to worry about waking the baby.
Or spilling wine on our own furniture, which is a lot nicer than yours.
I mean, look.
Guacamole from last week, and no big deal.
Well, at least you're not having sex in my bed.
So, why are you home so early? Uh, 'cause every one of my friends is now married with kids and gets tired at 9:00.
- I need to find some new friends.
- (DOOR OPENS) Or at least someone cool and fun to hang out with.
I'm cool and fun.
I'll hang out with you.
Do you two also have date night in my apartment? No, but Mommy sends me over here to clip my toenails.
So, what cool and fun things should we do together? The girls at my Zumba class are dying to put a face with the name.
Yeah, that's pretty much the opposite of what I had in mind.
But, Judy, our Joshua is a stallion, and he needs another stallion to run wild with across the open plains.
Oh.
I always liked that Barry Stein.
He could be a new friend.
Barry Stein? Isn't he the guy who used to let his ferret drink out of his mouth? Yeah, but you probably wouldn't have to do that.
So, not to be rude, but are you guys staying? 'Cause we'd love to get back to our movie.
Oh, my bad.
We're going.
- Oh, really? Great.
- No, this is my home.
- Get out.
- Oh.
- Good-bye.
- Okay, we're leaving.
(SIGHS) Oh, I thought they'd never leave.
(LAUGHS) (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) - What up, fellas? - Hey, I just thought of a good Christmas gift for you.
Sweatpants.
Okay.
Thank you.
NICK: Hey, my man, Luke.
What up? I see you got a late start today.
What's up? Yeah, had kind of a crazy night.
Went out for a slice, bumped into some guy He end up being Derek Jeter.
Next thing you know, I'm playing beer pong in the clubhouse with half the Yankees.
- Cool.
Whoa.
- Totally relate.
What's up, man? I'm Luke.
- Hey.
I'm Josh.
- Josh.
Oh, nice bike.
- Thanks, man.
- Wait.
Are you the guy from Blind Cop? Uh, yeah.
In retrospect, it wasn't the best Man, I love that show! Oh, cool.
Yeah.
Wait.
(SNIFFS) - “Smells like crime in here.
” - (LAUGHS) So, where are you riding? I usually do the loop in Central Park.
What about you? Driving up to the Hudson Valley.
They got a bunch of secret trails up there.
Oh, man, that sounds awesome.
- Man, you would love it.
- I bet I would.
- Yeah, you would.
(LAUGHS) - Yeah.
(LAUGHS) Ugh, I see enough of this at middle school dances.
Why don't you two go together? - Oh, I wouldn't want to - I mean, don't feel like you have to - I mean, I'd love to - If you want to - No, you probably have a thing.
- Are you sure? Seriously, man, I'd love the company.
Okay.
Yeah, cool.
It's kind of an all-day thing.
You got the time? I can juggle some stuff around.
Not in those shorts, you can't.
(LAUGHS) Okay, I'm gonna grab Yeah, thank you.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Come on, won't you take me home? Thanks to these hands, the population of our fair city remains exactly the same.
You know, someone dies in New York every nine minutes.
- (GROANS) Why can't there be more of me? - (CHUCKLES) What's the Flergen? Oh, it's Wyatt's new playpen.
Just got here from Denmark.
I got him the most expensive one so I feel less guilty about being a working mom.
(CHUCKLES) (KNOCKS ON DOOR) - Hey, what's up, Eve? - Hey.
- Ready to put that playpen together.
- Cool.
Have at it.
Thanks.
Boy, look at you in that little doctor outfit.
Uh, why'd you call Nick to put the playpen together? Uh, 'cause my dad was busy, and I have to work.
(CHUCKLES) Uh, hello? Hi.
N-No.
I mean, hi, I can do it.
I just sawed open a man's chest and put his heart together.
I can handle a playpen.
You're a brilliant surgeon, but that's just a human body.
This is the Flergen.
You don't think I can do it? (LAUGHING) Oh, oh, this this girl.
Do you even know where we keep the toolbox? - (SCOFFS) Under the sink.
- Nope.
- Hall closet.
- Colder.
Trick question.
We don't have one.
Nailed it.
Thanks again, Nick.
Money's on the counter.
Hey, it's all good, man.
I got this.
You just relax, watch some TV, maybe have a little white wine.
Yeah, maybe I will have some white wine as a victory bev after I build the Flergen.
(LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) - This guy.
- Hmm.
Thank you, Nick, but your services are no longer needed.
That's fine by me.
Uh, that said, I do have a 24-hour cancellation policy, so I'm-a buy myself a turtle.
Dude, that was an epic day.
Thanks for coming.
So nice to have someone to ride with.
Totally.
And thanks for letting me drive your Jeep.
Hey, thank you for the ice cream.
Next time, it's on me, buddy.
(CHUCKLES) I would like to invite all my boring, married friends to suck it.
Oh, thank God you're all right.
We thought you'd been hit by a car or kidnapped.
Who's gonna kidnap me? Oh, who wouldn't want to kidnap that face? I'm fine.
I went on an all-day bike ride with my new friend.
New friend? Joshua, did you find yourself a stallion? Oh, Harry, enough with the horses.
Come tell us all about him.
Yep.
Okay, so, check this out.
No wife, no kids.
We're both into the outdoors.
Today was the most fun I've had since I moved back to New York.
You mean except for being with us.
Of course.
That goes without saying.
I'd like you to say it.
That wasn't with you.
- Aw.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
How nice.
- Well, we can't wait to meet this new friend.
Won't be hard.
He lives in the building.
Really? Where? Right above you in 10J.
- Uh-oh.
- Oh, no! What? You know Luke? Know him? I despise him.
Joshua, you picked the wrong stallion.
Look what he did.
That maniac let his bathtub overflow and ruined our home.
Okay, first of all, your home's not ruined.
And it's just that little corner up there.
It haunts me.
In every room, it haunts me! When Mommy asked him to fix it, he said he didn't know anything about it.
Have you ever? And every time I run into him, he puts his headphones on, pretends he can't hear me.
And that's not easy to do.
Well, do you have any proof? Oh, you sound just like building management.
I keep telling her that we should get it fixed - and move on with our lives.
- No.
I refuse to pay for something we did not do.
Because he did it! Wow.
So, what, so you're just gonna hold a grudge for the rest of your life? Oh, this one I'm taking into the great beyond.
You know your mother and her grudges.
We haven't eaten at Hunan Palace since 1999.
They never brought my eggroll.
And Hunan Palace has the best Peking duck.
I'm sorry, Josh.
For what? Well, you like Luke, and, obviously, you're never gonna see him again.
They bring it out sizzling in a platter.
We made plans to go biking again tomorrow.
And I'm sure he'll be very disappointed when you cancel them.
Good.
The skin is so crispy.
I'm not canceling.
And the meat, the meat is so succulent.
I'm not gonna stop being friends with Luke just because you have a problem with him.
Joshua, you take that back.
Or one - Stop counting, Mom - Two That doesn't work on me anymore.
Two and a half - Three.
- (GASPS) Yeah.
Harry, he said “three.
” That's a lot to think about.
I'm gonna take a walk.
You go to Hunan Palace, do not come home.
Okay we are now ready to move on to section D of phase one of part four.
Please locate your umlan.
Uh, umlan.
They all look like umlans, you stupid umlan.
And simply snap it into the schnergel.
Oh, yeah.
I'll just snap it into the schnerbel.
Now that you have snapped the umlan into the schnergel, - find the plerbus.
- (GROANS) Why did I ever even have a kid?! (KNOCKING) - Ready? - I am.
Come on in.
- I just have to grab my bike.
- All right.
Hey, have you met your neighbor yet? I mean, she is all types of nuts.
I have met her, 40 years ago, when she gave birth to me.
Whoa.
9J Cray is your mom? She has my umbilical cord pressed in her diary to prove it.
Dude, she has been torturing me for years over some plumbing thing I swear I had nothing to do with.
She told me, and I believe you.
I just hope it's not gonna be a problem for us, you know, hanging out.
- It won't.
- Okay, good, good.
Just, you know Anyway, I'll grab my bike.
Where's my Oh, what's the matter? Have you been the victim of a senseless crime? You took my bike.
You have any proof? I don't need any proof.
Now you know how I feel.
Okay, I get it, I get it.
But you stole your child's bicycle.
You think about that.
This all could've ended at two and a half, Josh, but you had to take it to three.
Well, guess what, you just took it to four.
It doesn't go to four.
It ends at three.
What did she do with my bike? I'm not supposed to be talking to you.
Oh, come on, Dad.
Can't you just find a different friend so we could put this bathroom nonsense behind us? You could do a lot worse than Barry Stein.
I hear he almost never wears his cape anymore.
(KNOCKING) Just get me my bike.
I can't! Why not? Because I made him an offer he couldn't refuse.
Hunan Palace for Harry Roberts.
Thank you.
You sold me out for Peking duck? Yes.
I knew I could make this happen.
If you mean paying me twice to do one job, then hell yeah, you're making it happen.
You just have to be finished before Eve gets home in two hours.
Hey, how come you're lying to your wife about this and not something scandalous, like a like an affair or a gambling addiction, or the fact that you got really drunk one night and got a tattoo of a butterfly on your lower back? No, hypothetically.
Just, you know, the-the person Eve respects most in the world is her dad.
He's this super handy guy who can, like, build anything.
He's like a-a surgeon for houses.
You mean a-a carpenter? The guy is a badass.
I mean, he has so many calluses, the last time we shook hands, mine started bleeding.
Hey.
Hey, you're a badass, too.
You save lives on the regular.
That's true.
There's no shame in your game.
You're right.
You're damn right I'm right.
- Thanks, man! - (SCOFFS) Hey, let me help you with this part.
Okay.
Hey, you know what, why don't you just do step 47? Yeah, sure, what's that? Go get me an iced tea.
With a lemon wedge.
Oh, hey, and don't let me forget to send you that GoPro video - of you flipping over that boulder.
- All right, man.
Full disclosure, that was an accident; I thought I was gonna die.
(CHUCKLES) Full disclosure, I know.
- The screaming gave you away.
- (CHUCKLES) - (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) - Oh.
Oh, God.
You two can take the next one.
No, I don't think so.
She is not gonna ruin our fun.
How is this gonna be fun? Come on.
This must be very awkward for you.
Not at all.
It's a little awkward for me.
You, uh, doing some laundry? Uh, had to.
My clothes were bloodstained from where you stabbed me in the back.
I'm just gonna get off here on three.
Mm, no, missed it.
I borrowed Andrew's bike.
Left it in Luke's Jeep, 'cause we're taking another ride tomorrow.
To think of all the times I've taken your side.
Oh, what are you talking about? I'm talking about my camp friend Jeanette Varney, who said Blind Cop wasn't for her.
So I said she wasn't for me.
Huh? 60 years of friendship, done.
Elevator is slow today.
Am I right? (CLEARS THROAT) You know what this would be like? If I became friends with Richie Mascarella.
Richie Mascarella? The kid who peed in my sleeping bag in eighth grade? Yeah.
How would you feel if he and I went for a bicycle ride? I don't know, Ma.
Probably surprised - to see you on a bike.
- (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Well, I would never do that to you.
See? Because if someone wrongs you, they wrong me.
And if someone wrongs us, they're dead to me.
So some dude peed in your sleeping bag? Yeah.
And everyone at that party thought I peed myself.
- It was humiliating.
- Huh.
Hey.
You believe I didn't wreck your mom's bathroom, I believe you didn't wet your sleeping bag.
You see? This is what being bros is all about.
Mm.
(GRUNTS) Man, your mom's scary.
I know.
All right, final piece.
Click it in.
Okay.
Hold on.
I-I just want to say, um, this has been nice.
I think that, you know, we learned a couple things about each other, you know? Mostly me about you.
You didn't ask me a damn thing about me, but-but still, you know, it's Dude.
Please.
Before Eve comes home.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Okay, Okay.
- Here we go.
There it is.
- Beautiful.
- Let's take it into Wyatt's room.
- All right, all right.
- All right.
Huh? - Didn't I tell you? - Told you we'd get it done right.
- Yeah! Oh.
Good God.
- Wait.
- Okay.
- Hold on.
We got this.
- Um, yeah.
I think, I think it's stuck.
I know it's definitely stuck.
Oh.
You know what? This might be the perfect time for you to get to know me a little bit more.
Uh, for starters, did you know I'm an art lover? Dude, can we cover this another time? We need to get this unstuck before Right.
Your wife gets home.
Yep, yep.
(GRUNTING) Hi, Nick.
Guess what? I built the Flergan, and then Nick came up here and got it stuck.
Oh! Hey, that's called the umlan.
I cannot believe my mother wants to apologize to us.
Thanks for agreeing to come and hear her out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No problem.
This is not gonna be like that movie Get Out, is it? Good evening, gentlemen.
Nice to see you.
Yeah, I'm just gonna send a quick text to a friend so somebody knows where I am.
Joshua, you were right.
It's no reason not to be friends with someone just because they wronged a family member.
Won't you please come in? And say hello to my new friend, Richie Mascarella.
Hey, Josh.
Hey, Richie.
You went and found him? Richie has a carpet cleaning business, so I've hired him to clean ours.
I got into cleaning fabrics at a pretty young age.
And we've had such a good time hanging out, he's staying for tea.
So, Josh, how come you haven't accepted any of my Facebook requests? Uh, maybe because you peed in my sleeping bag? - I don't remember that.
- Well, I do, 'cause I was in it.
Well, I believe you, Richie.
And even if you did pee on Josh, my friendship with you is more important than my relationship with him.
Uh, what the hell is happening? What's happening is my mother is trying to get back at me for being friends with you.
Because he ruined our bathroom.
Oh, my God, lady.
No, I didn't.
If you saw it, you'd realize it had to be you.
Well, then show me.
Show me this damage you think I caused.
With pleasure.
So, do you want me to make the tea, or? No.
I've made my point, you can go.
Occupied.
Look at the damage you caused.
And that's just the physical, not the emotional.
Why are you so sure it was me? Because you live above me and I understand gravity.
Makes sense to me.
Case closed.
Look, he said he didn't do it.
- Well, I know he did.
- I didn't! - Oh, you're lying.
- You're nuts.
He did it! - No, he didn't.
- Yes, he did.
No, I didn't.
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTING) - I did it! - What? It was me.
I did it! (SIGHS) What a relief.
Dad.
You ruined the bathroom? Harry, I don't understand.
What are you talking about? I was trying out the handheld showerhead you gave me for Father's Day, when I saw a spider, so I sprayed him, and he wouldn't budge.
Next morning, there he was, same spot, so I sprayed him again.
And let me tell you, that dance continued day after day until the whole thing was waterlogged.
And I realized the spider was just a design in-in the wallpaper.
Why didn't you say something? I didn't say something because I'm deeply afraid of you.
Well, Ma.
Is there anything you'd like to say to Luke? (SIGHS) Luke, I'm sorry.
For the e-mails and the letters and the scoops of tuna I tossed up onto your balcony.
You threw tuna on his balcony? Well, sure, now that he's innocent, it seems odd.
Apology accepted.
And what about me, Ma? Are you also sorry about everything you did to me? Of course, but that goes without saying.
Yeah.
I'd like you to say it.
I'm sorry.
- Aw, that's nice.
- Aw.
Oh.
- Wyatt's really digging that Flergan.
- (WYATT GIGGLING ON MONITOR) Yeah.
I'm sorry I couldn't build it.
Honey, I don't care that you're not handy.
A: I married you for your body, and B: building stuff is, like, the one thing you're not good at.
- I am great at literally everything else.
- (CHUCKLES) - You are.
- My SoulCycle instructor asked me to lead the class the other day.
- Oh, there's my guy.
- (BOTH LAUGH) (WHOOPS, GASPS) Wha? I found the toolbox, by the way.
It's in my pants.
(LAUGHING): Oh, no.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Oh, hi, boys.
- What are you up to? - Gonna watch some hoops.
Ah, I'm about to watch Cupcake Wars.
- Oh, I love Cupcake Wars.
- You do? - Tonight's the - JUDY AND LUKE: Red velvet showdown.
- (SQUEALING): You do.
- Anyway, we should probably You want to come in and watch? You know I do.
You don't mind, do you, Josh? Of course he doesn't, right? But pizza and beer.
Ooh, how sweet of you.
Would you drop that, honey? Yeah.