Accidentally on Purpose s01e03 Episode Script

Oh, yeah.
Dude, that is genius.
Yeah.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Ooh.
And good morning to you, and good morning to you.
I see you've noticed my recent pregnancy gift from the boob fairy.
That's such a better job than being the tooth fairy.
Davis.
- Dude, huh? - Hey, it's okay.
I mean, suddenly, I'm stacked.
I can put money in there now.
I can even do the lipstick thing from Grease.
Watch.
See? I did not know the Greeks did that.
That was hot.
Dude, I can't believe you're not trying harder to tap that.
Well, dude, I would, but she's got this whole golden rule thing about how having sex will complicate the relationship, and blah, blah, blah.
And that was bad enough, and then this started happening.
Now it's just # Bow, chicka, bow, bow # # Chicka, chicka, chicka # # Bow, chicka, bow wow.
# It's like having a toy you can't play with.
But, dude, you do have a toy you can play with.
Just take more trips downtown on the alone train.
Have an all-by-yourself party.
Be a one-man band.
# I can't be anything without you.
# So, the pregnancy books tell you all kinds of stuff to expect in the first trimester.
You know, nausea, heartburn, bloaty gas.
Oh, is that a baby growing inside you, or a burrito? What they never mention is that in the second trimester, it all gets replaced by sexy, hot feelings, and one's booty becoming so delicious.
Oh, yes, you do have a massive amount of junk in your trunk.
My booty is delicious.
My booty - is delicious.
- Delicious.
Brian.
What are you doing here? Oh, rumor at the D.
C.
News desk is there's a milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard.
Wow.
I mean, just, wow.
I haven't seen you in a while.
I read your piece on Afghanistan.
I didn't know it got cold there.
I thought it In my mind, it's just hot, hot, hot all the time.
No, that's you.
Or maybe me.
No? So Billie, I'd-I'd love to catch up with you sometime.
What are you doing later? - Brian! - James.
Hey, if you're done talking to my girl there, you want to grab a bite? Uh, sure.
You can tell me all about the decline of the newspaper business for my Sunday column.
Absolutely.
I love discussing the death of my livelihood and printing it in my own paper.
Did you see that? There I was being flirted with by a handsome, married man who's kind of my imaginary boyfriend, and James totally booty-blocked me.
- You look great.
- Oh.
Is that a new outfit? Yes.
My proportions are shifting slightly, and they require new fabulousness.
Then, can I borrow that black strapless dress you got in Paris while you're too sexy to wear it? No.
It's the nicest thing I own.
But you couldn't squeeze those melons in there without causing considerable uniboob.
Why can't you just let me borrow it?! - You know why.
- But my company is hosting a charity event.
No.
You spill things.
You're a spiller.
You've been spilling things ever since you got Yoo-hoo on my tutu at our recital.
I was six.
Oh, my God, are you ever gonna let that go? No.
I don't know if it has something to do with your inner ear, or the tides.
You even cause chain spilling.
- But my event! - No! - Fine.
- Oh.
Bloody hell! I am almost 100% positive that we just had a tiny earthquake.
Did I tell you, Brian is in town, and he was flirting with me? Ooh, isn't he your married imaginary boyfriend? Yes, and it was especially difficult because my pregnancy hormones have kicked in, and I don't know any other way to put this, but I have happy feelings in my downstairs area.
Soy chai latte and cappuccino.
That's us.
And the croissant is on me.
And that keeps happening.
Guys are flirting with me left and right, and they don't know that this and this is because of this.
Oh, why don't you just sleep with Zack? Or marry him and then sleep with him.
Stop.
I can't sleep with Zack.
It'll complicate our relationship, and blah, blah, blah.
Which is really too bad, 'cause I got to tell you, the orgasm that would come from this, I think, would put me in a hospital.
You know how hot Billie has been looking lately? Oh, yeah.
Okay, well, after she left for work, I wanted to buy a ticket to ride the alone train, so I went into her bathroom and I grabbed a bottle of lotion, but instead of lotion, I grabbed sunless tanner.
So pretty much the same deal with your, um Yeah.
And the other place, too, I imagine? What other place? There is no other place.
I was just testing you.
Oh.
Popcorn? - Yes, please.
- Yeah.
- Can you excuse me a minute? - Yeah.
Gonna make a phone call.
Oh, my God, hot popcorn.
Olivia, I'm thinking of sleeping with Zack.
My brain says it's a bad idea, but it's being outvoted by every other cell in my body.
Is sleeping with him right now desperate or empowering? - Is he passed out? - No.
Empowering.
Yes! So, you know our golden rule we won't sleep together no matter what we could just forget it.
The rule.
Really? Yep.
Just for one day.
We just have to swear to each other that we won't get emotionally involved, so I swear.
Okay.
Oh, my.
No.
Uh, I'm-I'm not in a Um, the golden rule it's a good rule.
That is a good rule.
But this is purely medical.
This is a medical condition.
Uh, maybe put a bag of frozen peas on it and keep it elevated.
Well, I'm offering you no-strings-attached, purely recreational sex, and your response is frozen produce? Yes.
I mean, no.
I mean, I'm gonna take a shower.
Dude, she was good to go, and you refused because of your orange junk? Yeah.
Yeah.
What if some of the orange, you know, got on the baby? Who cares if some of it gets on your baby? I mean, worst-case scenario you get laid, and your baby's born looking like an Oompa Loompa.
I checked all our products.
Sorry.
We don't have anything to remove sunless tanner.
Supposedly, soaking your skin in coconut milk reduces pigmentation.
You could try that on your palm.
Boom! Problem solved.
Now your junk will be normal color and smell like vacation.
I took your advice and tried to seduce Zack, and he turned me down.
- What?! - Oh, impossible.
No, it was so uncomfortable, I felt like a total idiot.
Oh.
I would just like to bring up a procedural point.
You didn't call me before you tried to seduce him because you know that I think you should have a real relationship with him.
But you didn't want to hear that, so you called the bad idea lady.
I'm your sister.
I would have given you good advice, and you would have been so grateful, you would have given me that dress.
Abby, we have bigger problems than dresses right now.
I don't.
I just have the dress problem.
Enough with the dress.
She needs to find a man.
We need to widen the search.
Oh, wait.
The oracle speaks.
Who should Billie sleep with? Who? Uh, that guy, a street mime, Animal from the Muppets? Who, Oracle, who? Neither of you understands what's happening here, okay? I did one foolish thing, I get pregnant, and now my punishment is that I can't have sex until the baby is born.
Well, a newborn is an awful lot of work.
Fine.
Two years old.
Well, at two, they're potty training, running around everywhere, biting on furniture.
Five! Five! In five years, I can have sex.
Five years? Now, that's crazier than sleeping with a Muppet.
Wow.
Five years.
I can do it.
I kept up that gym membership for five years.
I was a vegetarian for five years.
I didn't go to a zoo for five Well, that's not much of an accomplishment.
But this is reality, so, you know I'm just gonna have to be celibate for five years.
And in five years, I'll be 42.
So there's that.
I'll be a 42-year-old who hasn't had sex in five years, who has a child whose father is still in his 20s and has his whole life ahead of him.
And even then even then, with all my mistakes piled around me like the empty pizza boxes from last night's depression feast, even then, I will not give you that dress.
But you'll think about it, right? Hi, Milkshake.
Yeah, yeah, my milkshake is in the freezer for five years.
You okay? Brian! Balls.
Can you believe how she gets prettier every day? She certainly does.
Do you have some sort of bugging device? What are you talking about? You wait until Brian starts talking to me, and then you pop up like a zit on prom night.
All right, I'm sorry.
Look, after you and I broke up, when I first found out that you were pregnant, I was kind of looking forward to well, there's no polite way to put this but you becoming fat and unpleasant.
But what's happening is you're glowing.
And you're beautiful.
And you're still, well Billie.
That's sweet.
It is, isn't it? Ooh, I got to wrap this up.
I got a date.
We good? I'll stop touching you.
Join the club.
- What? - Have a fun date.
Hey, buddy.
Everything flesh-colored yet? Yeah, I Yeah, I think the coconut milk's working.
Aren't they gonna notice that they're missing 60 gallons of coconut milk at your restaurant? Oh, I'm bringing it back.
So, uh, you gonna go for it with Billie? Would I be ass-deep in coconut milk if I wasn't? Aren't you supposed to be at work? Ah, that's the great thing about being a clerk at Trader Joe's.
I'm helping my boss pick out new beers to sell.
Working from home today.
Coffee? Oh.
Oh, no, thanks.
I've already had my cup for the day.
Wow, you are strict.
No, I'm pregnant.
Oh.
James didn't tell me you guys were pregnant.
It's not his.
Does he know that? No, we broke up, and then I was all "boo-hoo," drink, drink, "you look cute," pee on a stick, blue plus sign, ta-da! It's been a very full year.
Well, who's the dad? Ah, you know, he's a great guy.
A great, much younger guy.
He's in my life, but we're not together.
Oh, got that explanation down.
Well, it sounds like we've got a lot to catch up on.
Would you like to meet me later for dinner at my hotel? That sounds like something I'm not supposed to do with a married man.
I'm divorced.
That's fantastic.
I mean, that must have been really difficult.
Well, it wasn't great, but I'd get over it a lot quicker if you'd meet me for that dinner.
Really? Yeah.
How does 8:30 sound? It sounds good.
See you then for some, "You look good," "So do you," "The steak is fantastic," "I wonder if he's gonna kiss me.
" Well, that answers that.
I have to admit I've imagined us on a date for a while.
Would you like some dessert? Always.
You know who makes an amazing chocolate torte? Hmm? Room service.
I just need to powder a number of items.
- Abby? - Yes? I'm at the Jerome, I just had dinner with Brian, and I think there's a possibility that he wants to sleep with me.
He knows I'm pregnant, and he's fine with it, but I'm not sure it's a good idea.
Oh, my God, you're calling me.
Well, yeah.
I mean, you're the good idea lady, right? Didn't you want me to? Yes, but I did not think that you would.
Well, what do you think? Oh, I think, um that you should do whatever makes you happy.
I think that you are strong enough to know what to do on your own.
You know in your heart what's right, and even if you screw up occasionally, you are a good person.
Thank you.
You're a good sister.
I know.
Haute couture.
There is no substitute.
Hey, Billie, I'm home! Abby? She said it was okay.
She said she said what was okay? Nothing.
Okay, do you know where she went? Oh, she's gone to, uh oh, she's gone to get laid.
With with who? Oh, some reporter.
I'm sure he's fancy.
Oh, my God, I'm such a tool.
I blew it.
Oh, my God.
You like her.
This is so romantic.
She's at the Hotel Jerome.
You must go to her.
I can't just go to her and Yes, you can.
You should go.
She's not even sure she wants to go through with it.
Go, Zack.
And forget you ever saw me.
Okay, and the dress or the jewelry.
Ooh, ooh, and this bag.
And go! - Billie.
- Zack.
What are you doing here? To be honest, I Oh, my.
I ran all the way.
I haven't run in a while.
And the hotel's on top of a hill.
- Who told you I was here? - Abby.
Look, I don't care if you slept with him.
That's actually not true.
I do care.
- Zack - Let me let me finish, okay? I really need you to know that I really wanted to sleep with you.
- Zack - And I And hold on.
I hate I hate the golden rule.
I don't care about the golden rule.
The reason I didn't sleep with you is is because I had an orange penis.
Wow.
I was imagining how you were gonna finish what you were saying, but orange penis is not where I was going.
Anyway, l-I just had to be honest with you about the situation with my junk.
So, I'm good to go.
You don't need to sleep with anybody else.
Unless I'm too late, in which case you look very nice in that outfit.
Um I didn't sleep with Brian.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, good night, then.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
The truth is, um, I like Brian, and I didn't want my hormones making decisions for me with him or with you the other night, which I'm really sorry about.
Do you smell coconut? I do.
Isn't that weird? Um I shouldn't have come on to you like that.
And It's just, I'm really trying to get a handle on this thing between us.
Which is really hard because you're so nice and so cute.
And you really smell like coconut.
Am I crazy? I just want us to go back to how we were.
Is that cool with you? Yeah, that's-that's cool.
We can just totally go back to the way we were.
But I'd like to assure you that if you ever get crazy-pregnant-horny again, I am so there for you.
It's a deal.
Okay.
Wait, your palm is orange, too? Oh, you were Oh! I need to tell you something.
No.
I need to tell you something.
Your advice was such good advice that you can borrow my dress.
That is so sweet.
But what I need to tell you is that I already did.
So, thank you.
The good news is that I did not spill anything on it.
Until But I'm okay, and that is the most important thing.
I love you.