According To Jim s01e03 Episode Script

COME ON, GUYS.
RUBY'S GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHOOL.
WOULD YOU GRAB YOUR BACKPACKS, PLEASE? JIM, I WILL BE BACK FOR KYLE IN 20 MINUTES.
PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO PICK UP GRACIE AT HER PLAY DATE AT JENNY CAMPBELL'S AFTER WORK.
UH-HUH.
OH, AND DON'T FORGET HER SHOES THIS TIME.
UH-HUH.
OH, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS JENNY'S.
WOULD YOU PLEASE GIVE IT BACK TO HER? UH-HUH.
AND I'LL BE AT MY BOYFRIEND'S TONIGHT IF YOU NEED ME.
UH-HUH.
YOU ARE SO NOT LISTENING TO ME.
YEAH, YOU'LL BE AT YOUR BOYFRIEND'S.
JUST MAKE SURE YOU TAKE THE KIDS.
OOPSIE.
JIM, WOULD YOU PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT? YOU'LL BE BACK IN 20 MINUTES.
JIM? [ GROANS .]
HEY, BUDDY.
HOW ARE YOU? OKAY, PAL, YOU GOT 20 MINUTES.
EAT UP.
HAH! OH, BABY.
HERE, KITTY, KITTY.
HERE, MR.
FEENEY.
HEY, HONEY.
GOOD MORNING, GIRLS.
MORNING, DADDY.
MORNING, DADDY.
GOOD MORNING, BUDDY.
SOFT SPOT GETTING SMALLER.
ALL RIGHT.
MR.
FEENEY! HEY, HONEY, HONEY, YOU KNOW WHERE MY GAME DAY SHIRT IS? OH, YEAH, I WASHED IT.
YOU WASHED MY GAME DAY SHIRT? YEAH.
YOU DON'T WASH GAME DAY SHIRT.
THAT'S BAD LUCK.
OH, IT'S A GOOD THING YOU DON'T HAVE GAME DAY UNDERWEAR.
HONEY, YOU DON'T WEAR UNDERWEAR ON GAME DAY.
DAMN.
SPRINGTIME FRESH.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? HERE, HONEY.
HEY, GOOD IDEA.
OH, YEAH, THAT'S BETTER.
* ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? * I AM READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL! YEAH! YOU ARE IT! * ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? * I THOUGHT WE WERE ALL GONNA PAINT OUR FACES.
UH, I GUESS WE FORGOT TO TELL YOU.
DON'T WE LOOK LIKE THE IDIOTS.
UNCLE ANDY? YEAH, SWEETIE? ARE YOU A CLOWN? NO, I AM AN AIA-CERTIFIED ARCHITECT AND A STANFORD GRADUATE.
AND ON THE WEEKENDS, A CLOWN.
HERE, HONEY, SNACKS FOR THE TAILGATE.
OH, BABY, YOU'RE THE BEST.
YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF ANOTHER SIX MONTHS OF BEING MY WIFE.
OH, YAY.
MOM, GRACIE'S CHEWING WITH HER MOUTH OPEN.
AAH! MAKE GRACIE STOP! MOM! HONEY? YES? ARE YOU GONNA BE ALL RIGHT? I MEAN, IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GO, I WON'T.
NO, HONEY, I WANT YOU TO GO AND HAVE A GOOD TIME.
OH, I LOVE PLAYING THIS GAME.
All: * BEAR DOWN, CHICAGO BEARS * Radio: IT IS A GORGEOUS DAY HERE ON THE LAKEFRONT.
WE'RE ABOUT AN HOUR AWAY FROM THE OPENING KICKOFF.
WHOO! YES! AND THE BEARS HAVE YET TO ANNOUNCE THEIR STARTING QUARTERBACK.
McNOWN.
MATTHEWS.
I HAVE TO PEE.
WELL, WE'RE NOT GONNA STOP NOW.
YOU CAN GO TO THE BATHROOM IN THE STADIUM.
YOU KNOW I CAN'T PEE IN A TROUGH.
ALL THOSE MEN, SHOULDER-TO-SHOULDER -- THOSE STOLEN GLANCES.
WELL, TAKE YOUR MIND OFF IT.
THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, LIKE A BABBLING BROOK OR A WATERFALL.
YEAH, OR MEN PEEING.
[ LAUGHS .]
[ CELLULAR PHONE RINGS .]
YEAH? CHERYL.
OKAY, OKAY, HONEY, CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN.
WHAT'S WRONG? HER CAT DIED.
MR.
FEENEY? OH, HONEY, I'M REALLY SORRY.
LISTEN, WE'LL BE THERE AS SOON AS THE GAME IS OVER.
I MEAN HALFTIME.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY.
BYE.
OKAY, DON'T WORRY.
THIS SHOULDN'T TAKE LONG.
WE SHOULD STILL MAKE THE GAME BY KICKOFF.
AW, POOR CHERYL.
THIS IS SO SAD.
YEAH.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE STILL HAD A CAT.
MR.
FEENEY IS GONNA LOVE THAT.
SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.
HI, HONEY.
OH.
HI, GIRLS.
OH, YOU'RE LOOKING AT PICTURES OF MR.
FEENEY, HUH? I AM SO SORRY WE RUINED YOUR DAY.
WHERE IS HE? IN THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM.
AAH! HE DIED IN HIS LITTER BOX.
AW.
LIKE ELVIS.
I GOT THIS BOX AND THIS TOWEL TO WRAP HIM IN, BUT THEN I JUST COULDN'T DO IT.
OH, SWEETIE, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
OH, THANK YOU.
HEY, IS THIS ONE OF THE TOWELS I GOT YOU FOR YOUR ANNIVERSARY? I'LL JUST GO GET HIM.
I HAD TO SPECIAL ORDER THEM.
HONEY, I-I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE FOR THE GIRLS IF WE TOOK A FEW MINUTES TO SAY GOODBYE TO MR.
FEENEY, SO IF YOU COULD SAY SOMETHING SURE.
OKAY, EVERYBODY, CHERYL WOULD LIKE US TO SAY A FEW WORDS, SO I'LL START.
WE ARE ASSEMBLED HERE TODAY TO PAY TRIBUTE TO THIS CAT -- WRAPPED IN EGYPTIAN COTTON.
WE'RE HERE TO SAY GOODBYE.
MR.
FEENEY WAS MORE THAN JUST A CAT TO CHERYL.
HE WAS LIKE A DOG TO HER.
AND I KNOW IF MR.
FEENEY WERE HERE RIGHT NOW, HE WOULD SAY, "BURY ME AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR DAY.
" "ENJOY LIFE.
"EAT A PIZZA.
"I MEAN, IT'S NOT MY THING, BUT YOU MAY LIKE IT.
"OR DO WHATEVER YOU WERE PLANNING TO DO "ON THIS BEAUTIFUL SUNDAY AFTERNOON.
I MEAN, COME ON, ALREADY.
I'M DEAD.
" OKAY, RUBY, YOUR TURN.
ONCE MR.
FEENEY SLEPT IN MY BED AND WOKE ME UP BY BITING MY NOSE.
ISN'T THAT SWEET? OKAY, NEXT.
AND THEN GRACIE AND I PLAYED KITCHEN AND MADE PANCAKES AND WAFFLES, BUT NOT REAL ONES.
IT WAS PRETEND.
THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL, HONEY.
OKAY, NEXT.
AND THEN -- AND THEN -- THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME WHEN WE WENT TO ST.
LOUIS -- UH-HUH.
* THE CUPCAKE MAN, THE CUPCAKE MAN * * WHO WAS BORN ONE DAY IN A MUFFIN PAN * Both: * HE RAN AWAY FROM THE BAKER'S SHOP * * AND THEN HE MARRIED A LOLLIPOP * OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
OKAY, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU, RUBY.
ANDY.
GRACIE, SWEETIE, DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY? I LOVED HIM.
SEE, RUBY? THREE WORDS.
GIRLS, THAT WAS PERFECT.
WHY DON'T WE GO TO THE PARK NOW? GO UP AND GRAB YOUR SWEATERS AND WE'LL GET YOUR LITTLE BROTHER.
JIM? WOULD YOU PLEASE BURY MR.
FEENEY IN THE BACKYARD? SURE, HONEY, SURE.
OKAY, LET'S GO.
HONEY.
YOU MEAN NOW? I DON'T WANT THE GIRLS TO SEE.
OKAY? YEAH.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS GO AHEAD TO THE GAME? AND I'LL JUST GET THERE WHEN I CAN.
YOU SURE THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO? WELL, YOU CAN HELP ME DIG.
IT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION.
Radio: THAT LAST PLAY, GAINING ABOUT A YARD.
SO, BATCH AND THE LIONS FACED WITH A THIRD AND GOAL.
CALL AT THE EIGHT-YARD LINE.
WE'RE TIED AT 17, BUT DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
HERE'S THE SNAP.
BATCH ROAMING TO HIS RIGHT.
LOOKING IN THE END ZONE, HE'S UNDER PRESSURE.
HE IS HIT.
THE BALL'S LOOSE! THE BALL IS LOOSE! AND BEARS HAVE IT! THE BEARS GOT IT! YES! YES! Radio: YES, SIR, THAT'S FUSTER WHO CAME UP WITH THE LOOSE BALL GREAT! AND THE BEARS' DEFENSE COMES THROUGH ONCE AGAIN, AND THIS CROWD AT SOLDIER FIELD IS JUST GOING BANANAS, FOLKS.
BEARS WILL HAVE IT FIRST AND 10 POINTING IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.
[WHISTLE.]
THERE'S A BREAK IN THE ACTION ON THE FIELD.
RIGHT HERE, MR.
FEENEY.
HEY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? YOU MISSED THE ENTIRE FIRST QUARTER.
WELL, I WENT TO THE RESTROOM AND STOOD THERE AT THAT TROUGH, BUT NO DICE.
SO I RAN ACROSS THE STREET AND RENTED A ROOM AT THE RADISSON.
BEST $34.
50 I EVER SPENT.
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.
HEY, WE DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU SO SOON.
I TOOK A SHORTCUT.
[ CHEERING .]
WHO WANTS A POPSICLE? I DO.
ME TOO! ME TOO! AAH! [ CHEERING .]
WE WON! WE WON! HI, DADDY.
HI, DADDY.
HEY, BABY.
HOW ARE YOU, SUGAR? YOU KNOW, DETROIT ALMOST HAD US THERE FOR A MINUTE.
THEN MY SHIRT KICKED IN.
DID YOU BRING US SOMETHING? DID YOU BRING US SOMETHING? HONEY, I ALWAYS BRING YOU SOMETHING.
HERE.
WHOA! CRINKLY! AND FOR YOU, BABY PAPER! THANK YOU, DADDY! YOU'RE WELCOME, HONEY.
OH, CHERYL, YOU MISSED A GREAT GAME.
I MEAN, FIRST I BOUGHT A SMALL POPCORN, THEY GAVE ME A LARGE.
WHAT'S FOR DINNER? I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE STEAKS.
OH, STEAKS.
GREAT.
YEAH, I'M JUST GONNA RUN OUT TO THE GARAGE, GRAB THEM OUT OF THE FREEZER.
UH, HONEY, LET ME GET THEM FOR YOU.
I'LL GET THEM.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
HONEY, COME ON.
YOU'VE HAD A HARD DAY.
GOING TO THE GAME, EATING PEANUTS, BURYING MY CAT.
YOU HAVE DONE A LOT OF STUFF.
LET ME GET THEM.
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY? YOU KNOW, I ALREADY HAD STEAK AT THE GAME.
THEY SELL STEAK AT SOLDIER FIELD NOW? YEAH, IT'S CALLED, UH, STEAK ON A STICK.
APPARENTLY, WE'RE A TEST CITY.
YOU KNOW, I HAD TO FILL OUT A CARD AND EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GONNA WORK IN FOOTBALL.
YOU KNOW, THE TENDERNESS IS NOT QUITE THE SAME ON A STICK.
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU NEED TO TELL ME? UH I LOVE YOU? YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE THAT GUY IN THE MOVIE, HE'S GOT TO CUT THE RED WIRE OR THE GREEN WIRE SO THE BOMB DOESN'T GO OFF.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST CUT THE CRAP WIRE? OKAY, I STUCK THE CAT IN THE FREEZER.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THE GROUND WAS WAY HARDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS, HONEY.
I THOUGHT I COULD COME HOME AFTER THE GAME AND BURY MR.
FEENEY.
I WANTED TO DO THE JOB RIGHT.
NO, YOU WANTED TO GO TO YOUR STUPID FOOTBALL GAME.
HONEY, LET'S NOT SAY SOMETHING WE'RE GONNA REGRET LATER.
YOU MEAN LIKE "I DO"? ALL RIGHT, NOW THIS IS HOW FIGHTS GET STARTED.
SO I THINK THE THING THAT WE SHOULD DO IS TABLE THIS DISCUSSION TILL AFTER WE'VE HAD OUR STEAKS.
I LOVE THAT YOU ACTUALLY THINK I'M MAKING YOU DINNER.
COME ON, HONEY.
IT'S JUST A CAT.
DAMN.
RED WIRE.
POOR MR.
FEENEY.
HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S STALKING THOSE FROZEN PEAS.
HEY, ED.
HUH? TOUCH IT.
I'M NOT TOUCHING IT, MAN.
YOU TOUCH IT.
AW, COME ON.
TOUCH IT.
I'M NOT GONNA TOUCH THAT CAT.
YOU TOUCH IT.
I'LL GIVE YOU A BUCK IF YOU TOUCH IT.
WHAT DO I GOTTA DO TO IT FOR A $50? THAT'S WRONG.
HEY, GUYS.
JIM, I THOUGHT YOU BURIED HIM.
WELL, I DIDN'T.
YOUR SISTER'S ALL PISSED OFF AT ME, TOO.
IF I WERE A WOMAN AND MY HUSBAND FROZE MY CAT, IT'D BE A LONG TIME BEFORE I GAVE HIM ANY SUGAR.
ANDY, LET'S NOT PLAY "IF I WERE A WOMAN.
" I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU HAD A CAT.
THANK YOU.
WOMEN AND CATS, HUH? YEAH, RIGHT.
I DON'T GET IT.
I MEAN, ALL THEY DO IS EAT, SLEEP, AND STARE AT YOU WHILE YOU'RE HAVING SEX.
WOMEN OR CATS? WE'RE IN A FIGHT NOW.
SHE'S ALL UPSET.
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE NO CATS MENTIONED IN THE BIBLE.
THANK YOU, TONY.
WHO KNOWS WHAT GOES ON IN THE MIND OF A WOMAN? YEAH.
YEAH.
ANDY? [ ALL LAUGH .]
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S REHEARSE.
OKAY, THE GIRLS ARE PLAYING IN THEIR ROOM AND I PUT KYLE DOWN.
HOW'D YOU GET HIM TO GO TO SLEEP SO FAST? SAME WAY I DO WITH ALL GUYS.
I TOLD HIM ABOUT MY DAY.
I JUST -- I CAN'T BELIEVE JIM DID THIS.
YOU KNOW, CHERYL, I KNOW THIS GREAT GUY FOR YOU.
HE LIVES IN MY COMPLEX, HE ALSO HAS KIDS, AND I'M TOTALLY DONE DATING HIM.
THE GUY WITH THE PORSCHE? I LIKE HIM.
GUYS.
SORRY.
MR.
FEENEY.
OH, I MISS HIM, TOO.
THOSE CUTE LITTLE WHISKERS AND THOSE LITTLE PAWS.
NOTHING WILL EVER REPLACE HIM.
OH, A DOGGIE! A DOGGIE! GIRLS, COME ON DOWN.
I GOT A BIG SURPRISE FOR YOU.
CHERYL? MM-HMM.
AFTER OUR TALK, I SAID TO MYSELF, "SHE LOST HER CAT.
"SHE LOVED THAT CAT.
SHE'S SAD ABOUT THAT CAT.
" SO I GOT YOU A DOG.
A DOG? YEAH, I FIGURED I'D GET SOMETHING THAT ALL OF US COULD LOVE.
ISN'T IT GREAT? I NAMED HIM GARY SINISE.
JIM, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S ALWAYS WANTED A DOG.
GARY SINISE IS A GREAT ACTOR.
HE COULD PLAY A CAT.
[ Giggles .]
HE LIKES ME.
HE'S LICKING ME.
YOU KNOW, HE LICKS HIMSELF, TOO.
PROBLEM PROBLEM SOLVED.
[ GROANS .]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M GONNA BURY MY CAT.
GIVE ME THAT.
LET ME DO IT.
HONEY, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO -- HOW DID YOU DO THAT? CHERYL COME ON.
I GOT YOU A DOG.
GETTING A DOG IS A QUICK FIX, LIKE PUTTING A CAT IN A FREEZER.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S LIKE GETTING SKIS FOR SOMEONE WHO JUST BROKE THEIR LEG.
HERE WE GO WITH THE SKIS AGAIN.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT SKIS.
I KNOW.
WHAT'S IT ABOUT, THEN? TELL ME, WILL YA? IT'S ABOUT YOU NOT BEING THERE FOR ME.
OH, COME ON.
DANA AND ANDY -- THEY WENT TO THE GAME, TOO.
WHY AREN'T YOU MAD AT THEM? I'M NOT MARRIED TO ANDY AND DANA.
I NEEDED A LITTLE BIT OF COMPASSION FROM THE MAN I LOVE.
CHERYL, LOOK, IF YOU WANT ME TO FEEL THE SAME WAY YOU DO ABOUT THE CAT, WELL, I DON'T.
IT'S A SHAME THAT YOUR CAT DIED, BUT, HEY, LET'S LOOK AT THE SILVER LINING -- I HAVEN'T SNEEZED ALL DAY.
CHERYL YOU GOTTA HELP ME HERE.
I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.
I'M NOT A MIND READER.
JIM, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A MIND READER TO ASK ME HOW I'M FEELING.
YOU KNOW I HAD THAT CAT FOR 15 YEARS.
IT WAS THE LAST THING I HAD LEFT FROM BEFORE I MET YOU, FROM BEFORE I WAS SOMEBODY'S WIFE AND -- AND SOMEBODY'S MOTHER.
YOU KNOW, A WHOLE PART OF MY LIFE DIED TODAY.
COME ON, HONEY, LET ME HELP YOU.
JIM.
WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MY DEAD FROZEN CAT? MOMMY, THE DOGGIE THROWED UP! NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO CLEAN UP AFTER GARY SINISE.
GOOD NIGHT, LITTLE MONKEYS.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, AUNT DANA.
GOOD NIGHT, AUNT DANA.
OKAY, YOU GUYS.
YOU READY FOR "BRADFORD AND THE MAGIC DINOSAUR"? NO, TELL US A REAL STORY.
ABOUT MR.
FEENEY.
OKAY.
I REMEMBER WHEN MR.
FEENEY WAS BORN.
HE WAS TINY -- TINY AND PINK.
MY BOYFRIEND AND I TOOK HIM HOME, AND HE SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT WITH US.
YOU AND DADDY? NO, UH THIS WAS A DIFFERENT BOY WHO WAS A FRIEND.
YOU HAD A BOY SLEEP OVER? WHAT WAS HIS NAME? UH, DAVID FEENEY.
[ Giggling .]
THAT BOY HAD THE SAME NAME AS OUR CAT.
YES, HE DID.
HE D-- OH, WOULD YOU LOOK HOW LATE IT IS? GOOD NIGHT, SWEETIE.
MOMMY? YES? IS MR.
FEENEY GOD'S CAT NOW? YEAH, HONEY, HE IS.
NOW GOOD NIGHT.
MOMMY? YES? HOW DO THEY MAKE CEREAL? YOU GUYS JUST DON'T WANT TO GO TO SLEEP, DO YOU? [ CHUCKLES .]
GOOD NIGHT.
[ HARMONICA PLAYING "AMAZING GRACE" .]
* AMAZING GRACE * * HOW SWEET THE SOUND * * THAT SAVED A WRETCH LIKE ME * * I ONCE WAS LOST * * BUT NOW I'M FOUND * * WAS BLIND, BUT NOW I SEE * YOU LIKE HIM, DON'T YOU? HE'S OKAY.
OKAY, GARY, BEAT IT.
LET'S GO.
COME ON, COME ON, MY TIME.
[ LAUGHS .]
AW.
IT'S NICE TO KNOW THAT AFTER NINE YEARS, YOU CAN STILL SURPRISE ME.
WHERE DID THE NAME MR.
FEENEY COME FROM, ANYWAY? LET IT GO, JIM.
THE CAT'S DEAD.