Agatha All Along (2024) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Take me to the Witches' Road!
[AGATHA] I don't know where
you heard about The Road,
but it will kill you.
[TEEN] It'll give you
the thing you want most.
But we do need a coven
to access The Road.
Lilia. I need a Divination Witch.
Jen!
I need a Potions guy.
Alice Wu Gulliver? We're
looking for a Protection Witch
to join us on the Witches'
Road. What do you say?
Where's our Green Witch?
Oh, I know who it is.
I'll just go get her.
- You look fabulous!
- Thank you, Mrs. Hart.
- No, my real name is Sharon Davis.
- Right.
All we need to do is sing the
Ballad, and a door will appear.
Because we should really
go, like, right now.
[GRUNTS]
It's exactly how I pictured it.
Yes.
It suits you.
You didn't think it was real, did ya?
And you did?
You know what this is?
This is a kidnapping,
and I think it is high time we
involve the local authorities.
Are we gonna ignore the fact that
something chased us down here?
Chased Agatha.
Okay, no cell service.
[MRS. HART SIGHS]
Well, whatever chased Agatha
down here, it's our problem now.
Is that because covens share
blessings and burdens alike?
Someone really needs to
call this kid's parents.
I'm 100% positive
they're asleep. Unless
Is this like perpetual
night? Like, as a vibe?
Okay. I am a member of the
Westview Historical Society.
All I would've expected to see down here
were remnants of our failed
public transit system.
Helpful interjection, random woman
with no obvious magical qualities.
- Hey, she has a name! It's Mrs. Hart.
- Sharon.
Well, whoever she is, she
has no business on The Road.
- That's what I'm saying.
- Anyone can be a witch with training.
Which puts the rest of
us in even more danger
and we don't even know
what we're up against.
"Tame your fears."
That's what we're up against.
Our worst nightmares.
[JEN] But in what form?
Trials.
At least that's what the song says.
What are they like?
The Road will test us
and our knowledge of the craft.
One trial for each skill.
How do we pass them without any power?
Well, there's always analog magic.
You know, labor-intensive,
manual acts of magic.
Witchcraft, emphasis on the craft.
Again, who are you?
I'm [VOICE DISTORTS]
Well, I'll be. Someone's
put a sigil on that boy.
A what?
[SCOFFS] Don't look at me. I didn't
put that clumsy glamour on him.
Sigils are beneath me.
A "sigil" is a spell?
A sigil is a redaction
spell that hides something.
In this case, you, from witch folk.
Looks like Agatha brought a
sparkly little mystery with her.
She was probably trying
to keep him all to herself.
Why would someone wanna hide me?
Look.
I have no idea what's under that sigil.
He could be something special,
or he could be a pest that a
cranky witch stashed under a rock.
We can crack him open later.
The real value lies
at the end of The Road.
So
If you want to unbind,
and you want to reverse your fortune,
and you wanna find out
what happened to mommy,
and you
Wait, where's Mrs. Hart?
I mean, you take your eyes
off of her for two seconds
Don't touch me.
Oh, my God.
There has to be a way outta here.
Oh. Oh!
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Catching my breath.
Catching my breath. Okay.
What in the world! Stop!
Stop! No, no, oh, my God.
No, this came from
Talbots. You can't have it.
Stop! Oh, my God.
No
- [MRS. HART SCREAMS]
- Where is she?
[TEEN] Mrs. Hart?
Help me! Getting lower, witch people.
This has been a very,
very bad day. Oh, my God!
- Mrs. Hart!
- This is not the way to go!
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah, okay. Come on.
Okay, all right. Here we go.
[AGATHA] I'm not gonna
[MRS. HART] Jeezy Louisey!
You can't just walk
off The Road like that.
[MRS. HART SCOFFS]
This is just a really,
really, really horrible party.
[AGATHA] Well, I thought
that this was pretty obvious.
But for the uninitiated,
rule number one,
- do not step off The Road.
- Oh.
"I stray not from the path."
Yes, thank you, Teen.
So, if we just follow the
instructions of the Ballad,
we'll be safe as kittens. Okay?
Well, I don't know how you expect
me to walk and walk and walk
- when there is nowhere to walk to?
- Right.
Look.
Was that there before?
We should stop asking that question.
Now, this is a house.
Right off your vision board.
Maybe this is the end.
That would be such a bummer.
Sorry.
The phases of the moon.
- It's full. The water phase.
- Huh.
So what do we do?
Well, we don't wanna surprise anyone.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Don't we?
[SIGHS]
[JEN] It's not exactly
the stuff of nightmares.
The Road changes for the coven.
It changed us, too.
My amulets.
You still got 'em.
It's giving "middle-aged
second chance at love" vibes
and I'm here for it.
[ALICE] Definitely a sip-your-tea-
with-both-hands kinda place.
I look like one of my customers.
These don't open.
[MRS. HART] Oh, my God!
Bury me in that kitchen.
Have you seen Huge Tiny Lies?
[LILIA] It's Huge Tiny Lies everywhere.
Check this out.
What is this? A wedding?
Please God, not a baby shower.
"The Witches' Road cordially
invites you to The First Trial."
It's a riddle.
"My age has value. I'm no fun alone.
I mess with your mind,
my tricks are well-known."
That's a gorgeous card stock.
Double-sided, too.
What does it mean?
That it's really expensive.
"My age has value, no fun alone,
I mess with your mind, my
tricks are well-known "
- Sounds like a witch.
- Sounds like you.
[MIMICS]
Wine!
That's it. Ten points for Mrs. Hart.
Ten points for what now?
Wait, we don't know what'll
happen if we drink it.
Sure we do. Something terrible.
But if we don't follow
these obvious breadcrumbs,
we can't move forward and
we won't get to big prize,
so does anybody have a corkscrew?
- There's a built-in bar.
- Oh.
And I will help you.
Hey, a bit of advice.
Yeah?
Watch your back with Agatha.
I know how people feel about her.
Did you know she traded her own
child for the Book of the Damned?
That can't be true.
Nah. Yeah, you're probably right.
But that is what people say.
They say no one knows
what happened to him.
They say he might be dead.
Others say he might be a demon
or an agent of Mephisto.
But hey, that's what
happens when you have
Agatha Harkness as your mom, right?
I doubt she'd even recognize her own son
if he showed up at her doorstep.
Oh, found it.
[AGATHA] Ooh, healthy pour.
If you're waiting for charcuterie,
I don't think it's coming.
Oh, okay. Wow.
I have had a very hard
day. Do not judge me.
[TIMER BEEPS]
So
To harbingers of doom?
To the prize.
- Here we go.
- Can I have some?
- No!
- You bet.
Should we take the
girl talk to the sofa?
- Hey.
- Hey.
I really like your
tattoo. Where'd you get it?
Nowhere.
Okay.
Got it in Colorado.
My mom was playing Red Rocks.
That symbol wards off curses, right?
She, uh
made me get it,
'cause she said all the women
in our family were cursed.
She wasn't well.
[TEEN] How old were you?
Thirteen, maybe.
A lot happened to me at thirteen too.
I miss your eyeliner.
But the hair is cute.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- [GLASS CLINKING]
Okay, so a witch is really just
another name for a bad girl,
is that right?
That is extremely reductive.
We are not a monolith.
And, you know, I blame Halloween.
Do you see any pointy hats in here?
- [CHUCKLES]
- Any green skin? Any brooms? No, sir.
Well, I'm not saying that I
wanna join the club or anything,
but I would drink the blood of a virgin
if it would smooth out
some of these wrinkles.
- [GASPS] Oh, my God!
- Oh, God.
Oh, you are so sweet.
[CHUCKLES] I don't really
think I need it, either.
Okay, so, Mrs. Hart?
- Sharon.
- [ALICE] Sharon,
you're a little swollen.
Is it bad?
I think she looks fantastic.
- We've been poisoned.
- [LILIA] What?
- No, no, no.
- [JEN] I need a mirror.
- [ALICE] Does my face look that bad?
- [LILIA] Let me see.
Oh, my God! I have jowls!
[GASPS] My face! My
formerly perfect face!
Honestly, I don't hate it.
Oh, my God. Is that what I look like?
- Yeah.
- Mrs. Hart.
It's Sharon.
You are so pretty.
Thank you.
But since you were the first to
drink, you're our canary in coal mine.
Okay.
- No, it's poisoned, Sharon. Remember?
- Why don't you just let her drink it all?
Uh
It just serves our best interest is all.
Okay. I'm gonna ask you a few questions
so we can try to
identify the toxin, okay?
Do you feel a tingling in
the back of your throat?
- No.
- Do you taste mulberries?
What do mulberries taste like?
Do you hear any ringing or
the sound of fairies crying?
- Huh?
- I love you, guys.
What?
[MRS. HART] I feel a little better.
[ALICE] Your face is back to normal.
- Thank goodness.
- Is mine?
- It's gone.
- [AGATHA] Phew!
- [TEEN] It went away so fast.
- [ALICE] Is that it?
- [MRS. HART] Yay.
- Not "yay."
Very much not "yay."
What do you mean?
The fact that the face
swelling decreased so quickly
means it could be only
one type of poison,
Alewife's Revenge.
Face swelling is just the beginning.
Next is dizziness, delirium,
loss of motor function.
My heart's racing.
That's another one.
Also, hallucinations, and eventually
Death.
How do you spell "Alewife"?
I've gotta get outta here.
Agatha, what are you doing?
- [ALICE] Stop!
- [TEEN] It'll break.
- [ALICE] She can't keep doing it!
- [MRS. HART] She's gone crazy.
[ROARS]
You can't run from the poison.
She didn't drink the poison.
You can't cheat, Agatha.
- Why? Who says?
- The Road.
Oh, that's ridiculous! We
don't all have to suffer.
Teen didn't drink.
He's not in the coven.
And he's underage!
I'm gonna shove it down
your gullet, so help me
You know what? [GRUNTS]
- No!
- Yeah. Mmm!
On the upholstery?
We are wasting time!
- You have to drink, Agatha.
- Well, I would, but there's no more wine.
So
So cute.
Drink.
Fine. Then, I will.
No!
[SCOFFS] Ugh!
[GROANS] Ugh! It's so cheap.
Please, please.
Wanda? Wanda, I'm begging you.
Let him breathe. Please.
[PANTING]
So the hallucinations seem chill.
[AGATHA] Hey, Potions Witch.
It's time to brew an antidote.
[JEN] All right.
Let's see what we're working with here.
[EXHALES]
I need frankincense and the
gut of a eusocial insect.
- We'll handle that first part.
- Okay.
I need a corpse that's been decaying
for at least 30 million years.
Is that something that's available?
'Cause I don't know what
you're talking about.
Why do I have to
translate? It's zooplankton.
- It's in petroleum products.
- That we maybe can do.
- [AGATHA] Lilia, let's go.
- Okay.
After you. Go. Andale.
Okay, now I just need
a really big cauldron.
That could work.
No car. No gas.
Okay, okay.
Okay, I'm thinking petroleum
Jelly! Jelly.
- [LILIA] We'll get it.
- [AGATHA] How will we find it?
Oh! Of course Jen's
skincare made it to The Road.
But it's all organic, right? I
mean, there's no petroleum in there.
Hmm. I know a snake oil
salesman when I see one.
I say we call her bluff.
Try to save Agatha.
Uh Uh
Yes, I love this plan.
I just think we should find the
ingredients first, though, right?
- Hmm.
- [AGATHA CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
- Right.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Okay.
There's nothing of use
in here. Let's keep going.
Wait.
Is that eucalyptus?
Essential oils.
[SHUDDERS]
[WATER RUNNING]
[WATER STOPS]
Eye of newt.
Also known as mustard seed.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
You are an inconvenient woman.
Mom? Are you really here?
Your grandmother died today.
Thousands of miles away, and I
could still feel it when it happened.
It's my turn now.
It's gonna kill me.
[ALICE] Don't say that.
[BREATHES SHAKILY]
And now,
you're nothing.
[SCREAMS] I can't protect you!
[GASPS]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[SCREAMS]
[SPEAKING SICILIAN]
- [GASPING AND PANTING]
- [TEEN] Alice.
I found the frankincense.
- Let's go back to the kitchen.
- Yeah.
You okay?
No.
Are you?
Definitely not.
We got the frankincense.
Did you check the pantry for
the gut of a eusocial insect?
Yeah.
That's just a gross
term for honey, isn't it?
Yeah.
[GROANS] Okay, we've
got ours, what's next?
[GLASS CRACKING STEADILY]
What is that?
Is that
Salt water.
Are we underwater right now?
How long is that gonna hold?
And what happens when it breaks?
No, thank you.
- All right.
- [AGATHA] Get those pears outta the way.
Yeah, yeah. I know. I know.
- [ALICE] Come on, Jen.
- [LILIA] So nicely.
Hurry up, hurry up.
Okay.
The elements need to be
added in a certain order,
in a specific time,
starting with guts and eye.
Okay.
All right. Next is frankincense.
No, no, no. No, wait. Get outta here.
Where's the zooplankton?
- Ooh.
- Here.
[AGATHA] All natural or not, Jen?
- Drop it in.
- I knew it.
- [ALICE] Right now?
- Obviously. Yes, three drops.
- Okay.
- Take your time.
- Oh, my God.
- Let me help you.
One, two, three.
- It's working. It's working, right?
- Okay.
- Huh.
- What? What's wrong?
Any bright ideas on how
to set this sink to boil?
You didn't think of this before?
In the middle of a traumatic
hallucination? No, Agatha, I did not!
- Is there a sous vide?
- Oh, brilliant.
That's something people know about?
[TEEN] It's a super fancy cooking tool.
It heats water to a
specific temperature,
so you can cook your meat evenly.
- My dad loves his.
- Ah, cute.
- Teen!
- Yeah.
I need you to stir with your
dominant hand, counterclockwise.
- To the left.
- Right.
Everyone, pull a strand of
hair outta your head now.
A single hair only. Everybody,
hurry up. [VOICES FADE]
[BABY CRYING AND FUSSING]
[GASPS]
[WHIMPERS]
[JEN] Agatha!
What did you see?
Nothing.
Agatha, we need your hair.
Okay, wait.
Now.
- Stop stirring.
- [ALICE] Okay.
- We need to clasp hands
- Okay.
and clear your minds.
Once our intentions are aligned,
it will glow bright cerulean.
- Yeah. What're our intentions again?
- To not die.
I get cerulean and chartreuse confused.
Is cerulean the green one?
- No, it's blue.
- Then it's not workin'.
It's like a blue-green,
maybe like a teal?
- It's green, Teen.
- Something is wrong.
- I must have forgot something.
- One minute left.
- What did you forget?
- I don't know!
I've never made this potion before!
I make retinol serums,
for Christ's sake!
- Fifty seconds.
- There was a time where I would be able
to just solve this with a
wave of my hand, but now?
I'm bound.
He stole my magic.
- We're all going to die here.
- No.
I do not wanna die here.
[YELLS] This is not where I die.
[PANTING]
I have always hated you.
If this is a pep talk
But I left you alone
because what you were
doing was important.
Not this Kale Kare crap, the real work.
You can be that witch again.
They can take your power, Jen,
but they can't take your knowledge.
Jen?
Blood.
Whose and how much?
We need the blood of the unpoisoned.
[ALICE] Thirty seconds.
- Thanks for being underage.
- [LILIA] Agatha!
[JEN] Not yet, not yet.
Now!
[ALL CHUCKLE IN RELIEF]
Oh, my God.
- [JEN] The timer's still ticking.
- Mrs. Hart!
Take it. Take it.
- Pass, pass.
- [ALICE] Here, here.
- God!
- [JEN] You can do it.
- Is she awake?
- [JEN] Drink. Lift her head.
- Careful not to spill it.
- [AGATHA] Dump it in her mouth.
- [TIMER BEEPING]
- [ALICE] Oh
Did it work?
- [CLANGING]
- [ALL GASP]
Is that our exit?
I am not climbing in an oven.
That happened to a friend of
mine, she had a lovely house,
and she ended up
[ALL SCREAMING]
Move it.
Okay.
Nope. Nope.
Help me with her!
Not a chance.
We don't know what happens
if we leave her behind.
[SCOFFS] Fine!
- I'll grab her feet.
- [ALICE] Get her to her back.
Support her head. Now, lift.
[AGATHA] God, she's so
little, why is she so heavy?
[JEN] We got it, we got it.
[AGATHA] Just shove her in there.
Just shove her, shove her in there.
- You next!
- Okay, okay.
All right. Me next!
[EXCLAIMS]
[SCREAMS]
[COUGHS]
[ALL SCREAMING]
A little rusty there, Jen?
- A little traitorous there, Agatha?
- [LILIA] Stop.
We're alive.
We made it through the first test.
Everyone is safe.
[TEEN] Not everyone.
Sharon's dead.
Who's Sharon?
["HEADS WILL ROLL" PLAYING]
Off with your head ♪
Dance 'til you're dead ♪
Heads will roll ♪
Heads will roll ♪
Heads will roll ♪
On the floor ♪
Glitter on the wet streets ♪
Silver over everything ♪
The river's all wet ♪
You're all chrome ♪
Dripping with alchemy ♪
Shiver, stop shivering ♪
The glitter's all wet ♪
You're all chrome ♪
The men cry out, the girls cry out ♪
The men cry out, oh no ♪
The men cry out, the girls cry out ♪
The men cry out, oh no ♪
Oh, oh ♪
Oh, oh ♪
Off, off with your head ♪
Dance, dance 'til you're dead ♪
Heads will roll ♪
Heads will roll ♪
Heads will roll ♪
On the floor ♪
Looking glass ♪
Take the past ♪
Shut your eyes ♪
Mirror lies ♪
Looking glass ♪
Take the past ♪
Shut your eyes ♪
Mirror lies ♪
Off, off, off with your head ♪
Dance, dance, dance 'til you're dead ♪
Off, off, off with your head ♪