ALF s01e03 Episode Script

Your eyelids are growing heavy.
You are getting sleepy.
You are no longer a cat.
You are a bagel.
Hey! You scared me.
You ought to wear a bell.
What's going on here? I was ah teaching lucky to tell time.
Show willie what you've learned.
You were hypnotizing him, weren't you? [ Fingers snapping .]
Okay, you caught us.
I'm trying to help lucky quit smoking.
It's time to restate the rules of the house.
Rule 1 - We do not eat members of the family.
Willie, willie, willie.
Lucky and i were just kidding around.
I've got to go pick up kate and the kids.
While i'm gone, refrain from kidding lucky.
No problem.
I'd also like you to refrain from playing With priceless family heirlooms.
It's broken.
Lucky fell on it.
It's not always true that they land on their feet.
Lucky? Lucky don't listen to him.
You're not a bagel.
You're not a bagel! But you are getting sleepy.
Just kidding! Ha ha ha! ** ** [ rock music .]
[ Alf lipsyncing .]
* just take those old records off the shelf * * i sit and listen to them by myself * * todays music ain't got the same soul * * i like that old time rock-N-Roll * * don't try to take me to a disco * * you'll never really get me out on the floor * * ten minutes and i'll be late for the door * * i like that old time rock-N-Roll * * still like that old time rock-N-Roll * * that kind of music just soothes the soul * * reminiscin' 'bout the days of old * * that old time rock-N-Roll * ** [ continues .]
Maybe we should have called first.
I had the music pretty loud.
I probably wouldn't have heard the phone.
Uh, i was planning to have it spotless before you got back.
When did you expect us-- In april? When i left, you said you'd behave, But this is mass destruction.
I don't know what happened.
I was sitting here, doing better than my best.
I decided to make myself a little snack The rest is a blur.
How can one alien be so irresponsible? I wasn't irresponsible, i was hungry! Did you eat everything in the house? No, i don't think so.
Wait a minute, here's something.
Who wants a cookie? I do! I'll split it with you.
Go feed lucky.
I hope there's food left.
You didn't eat all the cat food did you? No way, i draw the line at intestinal byproducts.
How can you eat so much? I've been blessed with multiple stomachs.
I don't understand why you don't gain weight.
It's all in the way you combine foods.
Really? Merv did a show on it.
I have a tape somewhere.
I don't believe this! Merv says it works.
But, have you seen merv lately? Forget merv.
We're not talking about merv.
No more merv! Fine, he's off the air anyway.
Let's talk about how much food costs.
I can't find lucky.
He's around somewhere.
I looked all over.
I wonder where lucky is.
Do you know, alf? Hold it.
[ Burp .]
No.
I'll look some more.
See if lucky's in the hamper.
He likes rolling in dirty laundry.
Who doesn't.
Alf, do you know where lucky is? You know lucky; he's a free spirit.
Last time i saw him, he was hightailing it out the window.
What were you doing? I was chasing him with a fork! Ha ha.
Just kidding.
The last time i saw lucky, You were teaching him to tell time.
What are you getting at? Yeah, what does tell time mean? It means hypnotizing the cat into thinking he's a bagel.
You think alf might have Eaten Alf, you didn't! Hey, hey, hey.
We're treading on serious ground, here.
These unjust accusations have litigation written on them.
I know my rights.
I watch people's court.
Alf, did you eat lucky or not? Willie, i know the rules.
We don't eat members of our family.
We don't eat members of any family.
Well, which is it? I can't find lucky, anywhere.
Maybe he got sucked into a parallel dimension.
I've seen that happen before.
I don't think so.
So i guess there's only one other explanation.
The alien must have eaten him.
Well, i didn't! Smell my breath.
There's no lucky on it! That's the only thing that's not on it.
Alf wouldn't eat lucky.
Would you? I'm not saying anything until i talk to my attorney.
Maybe we're rushing judgement, here.
Maybe lucky just went for a walk.
[ Coughing .]
He'll turn up.
[ Coughing .]
It's a fur ball.
Lucky? Don't look.
Hey, this isn't lucky.
I was licking jello off my arms and i swallowed hair.
Come on, guys, it's me you're talking to! I haven't eaten a cat since i left melmac.
[ Crying .]
Brian? Lucky was my best friend! Don't cry.
Hey, what's with this family? Didn't you ever hear the expression, Innocent until proven guilty? Not when the accused coughs up the victim! Is there anyone here who doesn't think i'm guilty? Maybe you ate him by accident.
I see.
Well, the indictment has been handed down.
Thank you all for your support.
Call me when you finish the gallows.
Here Exhibit a! "Dear family--" No, uh uh.
Too friendly.
"Dear lynch mob," Yeah, that's better.
"I've been accused of a crime i did not commit.
"Accused by people i thought were my friends.
"You say i am a murderer.
I say, the only thing murdered today, was justice.
" Oh, yeah.
That is good.
"But, like david janssen in the fugitive, "I will travel the country in a desperate attempt "To clear my name, by finding the one armed man.
That can't be right.
"By finding lucky.
"I will search relentlessly, "Taking time out, only to have love affairs "With beautiful women.
"Now, i must begin my journey.
"Good bye, yours till niagara falls, Alf.
" Oops.
"P.
S.
These are tear drops.
" Yeah.
Oh, great.
Breakfast! Thanks, mom.
Lynn! I'm sorry.
I'm just so hungry.
Me, too.
Me, too.
We better eat fast before alf gets to it.
Okay, i'll have "sugar shocks.
" "Sugar shocks" aren't good for you.
How 'bout if i pour healthy milk on them? How about if i pour milk on your oatmeal? Chocolate milk? It's a deal! Where's alf this morning? Probably too ashamed to come to breakfast.
Or too full! I dreamed alf came into my room and tried to eat me.
Alf would never do that.
Of course he wouldn't.
You sleep with us tonight.
I almost feel sorry for alf.
Why? I'm just trying to see his side.
I'm trying to understand why he ate lucky.
Alf has different instincts than we do.
On his planet, they eat cats the same way we eat cows.
We don't eat cows.
Where do you think hamburgers come from? The supermarket.
I have good news.
Go get alf.
I want you to look at something.
What? I've analyzed the fur ball, And compared it to alf's hair, That i found in the ice cream.
The composition of the fur ball, Is the same as the hair in the ice cream.
Do you know what that means? It means breakfast is over.
No, it means alf is innocent.
We accused him unjustly? We should have believed him.
Where's alf? I don't know, but i found this note.
What does it say? Ah, mmm Skip the part about david janssen It says he didn't eat lucky.
Poor alf.
It says he's gone to find lucky To prove his innocence.
and his manhood.
This letter even has tear drops.
Grape colored tear drops.
He must feel so betrayed.
I'm going to find him.
I'm going too.
I'm coming with you.
Me too! Alf is all alone; i'm worried.
And he doesn't know about not crossing on the green.
Where are we going to look? I don't know.
He could be anywhere.
Yeah We should have watched more Episodes of "the fugitive.
" [ No dialogue .]
[ Crash .]
[ No dialogue .]
[ Dogs barking .]
So, uh, what are you guys in for? Okay, be that way.
Just tell me one thing.
That sign over there, Does neutered mean what i think it does? [ Bark bark .]
I guess it does.
Anybody have a coat hanger? I'll show you how to get out of this dump.
Here we go, boy.
Ix-Nay on the anger-Hay.
I think the screw is coming.
Oh my gosh, he's got a horse! Okay, who wants a roommate? There's an empty one.
Phew! What are you doing without your jockey? Just kidding, just kidding! Gee, this whole planet's up tight.
Come on, guys.
Let's loosen up! * on wisconsin, on wisconsin * Jump in when you're ready, lets go; come on.
* on wisconsin, on wisconsin * [ Dogs howl .]
Hey, hold it down! There you go.
Lucky? Huh? Psst, hey trigger.
Act cool.
Listen.
You seem like a sweetheart.
I'll let you break out with me.
Here's the plan.
We wait until it gets dark, Then me, you, and that cat, Are going to make a run for it.
Look, all you have to do is gnaw through this wire.
Got that? Good.
Ix-Nay, ix-Nay.
There they are.
Take your pick.
It smells terrible in here.
You get used to it.
Some of us wouldn't want to.
Come on, pick a nice cat.
I can't be rushed.
What is that monstrosity? That's a dog, i think.
Gas it.
No one will want it.
[ Growl .]
May i show you something in a tabby? I don't like any of these.
I want one that costs a lot.
Come on heidi, you can find something.
Oh, all right.
I guess that one isn't too gross.
Nice choice.
Just came in.
Okay, there you go.
What are you going to name him? What's your name? Keith.
Not keith.
Let's go.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Looks like it's now or never.
Hey, hey! Hold it down! Did you hear me? Be quiet, you're scaring damian.
All right, that's it! Dad, that dog took my cat! Stop him! [ Sound of keys in lock .]
They're here, lucky.
I just can't wait to see their faces, When they see you.
Alf, you're back! Thank goodness.
We looked all over for you.
Before you say another word, May i present to you exhibit "b.
" Well, i guess this case is closed! It's a cat.
It's not just any cat, it's lucky! How soon they forget.
I think you've made a mistake.
Alf.
Lucky? Yeah, it's lucky.
He was in mrs.
Ochmonek's basement.
Well, don't we feel foolish.
Now we have 2 cats.
No problem.
You're getting sleepy.
Alf! Just kidding! There you go, luckheimer.
Oh, yeah.
Who'd ever have thought we'd see the day, When they'd trust me to feed you? Ha ha.
Yeah! Right now i'm in the catbird seat; So to speak.
Right now i can get away with murder; So to speak.
Right now, i could walk over to that refrigerator, Grab a couple of slices of whole wheat bread, A little mayo, and slap together a b-L-T.
Bacon, lucky, and tomato.
Yeah, i could do that.
They wouldn't have the nerve To point their finger at the alfer.
They'd probably blame willie, Before they'd blame me.
Yep! I could do that.
But i won't.
Why is that? Because they trust me.
But don't get too comfortable.