All In The Family s01e03 Episode Script
Oh, My Aching Back (aka Archie's Aching Back)
[ Announcer .]
From television city in Hollywood.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days care for an olive ? Uh-huh.
Mmm.
Beats eating 'em out of jars.
I used to have an Uncle who'd put an olive on every finger of his hand.
Know what they used to call him ? Uh-uh.
Vincent.
Why'd they call him Vincent ? That was his name.
Then why'd you tell me the thing about the-- Michael ! What do you think they're gonna call him ? Olive fingers ? [ Moans .]
I'm starving.
What time's himself comin' home ? I'm not sure.
You know he moonlights with Mr.
munson's taxicab on Saturdays.
Hey, mom, when's daddy coming home ? Well, in his own words, when he's g-d ready.
Myself, something tells me any second now.
Isn't that sweet, Michael ? She feels it in her heart.
No, I hear it at the door.
[ Gloria .]
Hiya, daddy.
[ Mike .]
Hi, arch.
What's the matter with you ? Nothin'.
No hello ? Even they said hello.
They said "hi.
" But you said nothin'.
I was gonna say good evening.
Oh, skip it, will ya.
Skip it.
I've learned to expect nothin' but aggravation from you anyhow.
Um, it's almost 7:00, daddy.
You're late.
He's always late, except after coffee in the morning.
Six minutes later, to the second, watch out.
And God forbid I'm in there shaving.
The workin's of nature won't wait for no deadbeat who takes all morning to shave.
Remember that.
I'm not knockin' it.
I think you're a marvel.
I can even set my watch by how long it takes you to belch after a bicarb.
Twenty-two seconds, exactly.
Well, listen, wise guy, you should have such a constitution.
They'd have counted you out already if you'd been in the accident I was just in.
Archie, an accident ? Daddy, are you all right ? No, no, no, they couldn't hurt me.
What happened ? Well, there was this pushy dame.
You know the kind-- a yenta.
Plows into the back of my cab.
And I mean plowed.
Wham ! Them people are always in a hurry, trying to get to a sale or somethin' to save four cents.
What a tribe.
What do you mean, "what a tribe" ? Forget it, Michael.
Come on, mom.
I'll help you with dinner.
I'm glad you weren't hurt.
What do you mean, "what a tribe" ? Forget it.
It's "irrevelant.
" Irrelevant.
Whatever.
It ain't German to the conversation.
Germane.
Aw, listen, Emily post.
If you correct me one more time-- okay, okay.
But you didn't mean to call me Emily post.
Oh, jeez.
She's an expert on table manners, wedding invitations, things like that.
It's the wrong image, arch.
What you meant to call me was, say, Mr.
funk or Mr.
wagnall, the dictionary people.
'Cause I was correcting you on words.
You see the difference there ? You are defective.
There's no doubt about it.
You got a fuse blown in your head Somewhere between the brain and the nervous system.
There ain't a store in the country that wouldn't take you back.
Why don't you clean your fingernails ? Maybe things wouldn't grow there.
Hey, Edith, where's supper, huh ? All set, Archie.
I was just givin' you a chance to work up an appetite.
He always eats better when he's upset.
Well, I eat better when he's not upset.
So, just this once, could we have a meal without an argument ? Michael ? [ Imitating James cagney .]
You want it ? You got it, baby.
Oh, we're gonna have a floor show, huh ? Come on, daddy.
No arguments, okay ? Who's arguing ? I don't think that's an answer.
Oh, this dingbat's gonna start argument number one over here.
Daddy, mom, could you settle down ? Now, let's just eat.
[ Mike humming .]
[ Continues .]
[ Stops .]
[ Resumes, finishes .]
[ Sighs .]
Mom, anything interesting happen to you today ? Actually, something interesting did happen today.
Oh, no, that was yesterday.
Well, I can't eat no more of this.
What's the matter, daddy ? It's the meat.
It's not done enough.
You knew that all the time ? I made it medium just this once.
I don't like it medium.
I like it well.
Well well.
Peg bracken says it spoils the flavor.
Peg bracken ? Ain't that the dame who don't even like to cook ? Yeah, but she's an expert.
And she says well spoils the flavor.
It seals it in, that's what it does.
Any gourmet will tell you, the only way to eat meat is rare.
Oh, now we hear from the Polish corner.
Poland, the land that gave us such rare and delicate dishes as-- uh, Polish sausage is very good.
You oughta know.
You married one.
I'm sick and tired of your Polish jokes.
You see, mom ? It's winding up in an argument after all.
No, it ain't, 'cause I'm gonna take my dessert over here in my chair.
What do we got, rice puddin' ? Give me some with a pinch of milk on top.
"Give me some with a pinch of milk on top.
" [ Giggles .]
I've been making rice pudding for 22 years, sometimes two and three times a week, and he always says the same thing.
"Give it to me with a little pinch of milk on top.
" Except last week, remember ? Mike and Gloria went out to dinner.
You made rice puddin', and what happened ? You didn't make your usual speech about the milk on top.
I remember.
- And how did you serve it ? - Without the milk on top.
Dingbat.
But he didn't ask for it.
Hey, Archie, you never finished the story about the accident.
Well, the story is, very simply, that A certain Mrs.
rhoda greenspan Plowed into the back of my cab.
They're all the same, them people.
Here.
Here's your rice pudding.
I put a pinch of milk on top.
Gee, that's a good idea.
Bring me some bicarbonate of soda, will ya.
My insides is on fire.
What do you mean, "they're all the same, them people ?" What people ? The chosen people.
What do I gotta do, draw you a picture ? She plows into the back of my cab, then she opens up her yap as though it was me that hit her.
They coulda heard her all the way to Tel Aviv.
Here's your bicarb.
Oh, yeah.
Well, what's done is done.
One, two, I told munson I'd get him an estimate on his cab Three, four, five, six, tomorrow, maybe the next day.
Seven, eight, probably cost an arm and a leg.
Nine, ten, them thieves at the body shop.
you pay $6.
00 an hour for labor.
most of the time they're at the soft drink machine or the can.
what are you doin' ? [ Burps .]
Twenty-two seconds, exactly.
All right, wise guy, so I'm dependable.
What else you tryin' to prove ? Nothin'.
We were discussing one of your favorite hang-ups-- your anti-Jewish bias.
What anti-Jewish bias ? Oh, no, daddy.
Not that again.
Remember, even Jesus was a Jew.
Yeah, but only on his mother's side.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Hiya, Lionel.
How you doin', everybody ? Hiya, Lionel.
You want some rice puddin' ? No, thanks.
I've already eaten.
Say, I was just over to Mr.
munson's.
I understand you used his cab today and put a small dent in it.
I put ? Small dent ? I thought you said she plowed right into you-- wham ! I just came from there.
It's right out front.
It's just a little dent.
A little dent ? And you were making a federal case out of it.
Listen, she hit me hard.
Good thing I wasn't drivin' one of them foreign jobs.
I'd be pushin' up the daisies now.
What were you doin' at munson's ? Come to think of it, what are you doin' here ? Posin' as a body-and-Fender expert ? I was just makin' my rounds, pickin' up the cleaning.
- What cleanin' ? - Didn't we tell ya ? Lionel's folks have opened up a cleaning store on northern boulevard.
I thought we'd give 'em all our business.
You mean, your old man ain't the janitor at the hempstead apts.
No more ? That's right.
Where'd he get the money to open up a cleanin' store ? From the accident.
- When was that ? - When mom and dad got rear-ended by the bus.
After they paid for the lawyer, they had $3,200 left over.
So they bought this franchise.
And they're doin' real well too, Mr.
bunker.
You know, last week they grossed over $1,000.
And that's 200 better than the week before.
And next week they should do 1,500, easy.
All right, Lionel, all right.
You don't have to give me their "dun and broadstreets.
" Here you are, Lionel.
Have everything cleaned and pressed, okay ? Okay.
Thanks, folks.
I'll have it back by Tuesday.
See ya, Lionel.
Bye, Lionel.
Oh, my, wasn't that a lucky break for Lionel's folks ? I think it's just wonderful.
It's like a whole new life opened up for 'em.
$3,200.
My ! [ Mike .]
His father says they're doin' so well, they may open another store.
And have two stores ? [ Edith .]
Oh, my goodness ! They could open up a whole chain of stores.
Oww ! Jeez ! What's the matter ? What happened ? Archie.
What a pain in the back ! Stay away from me.
Don't touch me, nobody.
Just let me see if I can walk all alone.
Look out.
Ooh, Edith ! Ohh ! Oh, Archie ! Do you think it's from the accident ? Maybe you got a whiplash.
Nah.
Not from a little dent.
Shut up, meathead.
Edith, help me to the chair, will ya.
You, keep away from me.
[ Groans .]
Oh.
Oh, gee, Edith.
Oh ! Uh, wh-what was that you said about, uh whiplash ? What are you doin', Edith ? The reader's digest says you should put a pillow under your legs If you hurt your back.
- Don't believe what you read in them articles.
- It wasn't in an article.
It was at the bottom of a page.
You know, where the article was finished and they still had some space.
I don't wanna hear about the articles ! I don't read the articles.
Just the bottom of the pages.
Do they tell you, at the bottom of the pages, how to bury your husband ? Oh, Archie, don't talk like that.
How could you be dying ? You ain't seen a doctor yet.
Yeah, what about a doctor, daddy ? We'll see a lawyer first.
He'll tell us what doctor to go to.
They got specialists for all these things.
What about Fred kowalcyzk, my brother-in-law ? He's a lawyer.
Kowalcyzk.
No, that don't sound good.
We could call Helen gurney's brother Peter.
He handles accidents.
Peter gurney ? No, no, no.
Listen, get me the yellow pages.
Why not somebody you know ? Why a stranger ? Because sometimes strangers is best.
They don't get too close to you.
You know what I mean.
No.
Will you get me the yellow pages ! Do you know what he means, ma ? No.
Cut that out, Edith ! Let's see here.
There's, like, ten pages of lawyers here.
Where should I start, at the beginning ? No, start at the middle and read out sideways.
Certainly, start at the beginning.
There's 10,000 names here.
I'll skip around.
It'll be faster.
All right, let's see.
Uh, "w.
B.
Adams.
Adams and brenner.
Burton and fitzallen.
Cohen and Ginsberg--" Cohen and Ginsberg.
What ? Cohen-- just go on readin'.
Go on, go on.
Okay, uh, "Evans and monahan.
Franklin and Powell.
Lochman, shapiro and stone--" lochman, shapiro and stone.
- What ? - I'm just thinkin'.
Will you read on ! All right.
"Harris and whipple.
"Johnson and Smith.
McDonald and shelby.
Rabinowitz, rabinowitz and rabinowitz--" rabinowitz, rabinowitz-- what was the third name ? Rabinowitz.
Yeah.
How do they sound to you ? Jewish.
Very Jewish.
What has their religion got to do with it ? That's what we wanna know.
Listen, Mr.
big liberal, you brought up their religion, not me.
If they're good lawyers, for all I care they could be chinks.
Do you believe him ? He actually thinks because they're Jewish they're smarter, shrewder.
Well ? You actually believe that junk ? Listen to this guy, Edith.
I agree with him that they're smarter and shrewder, he's makin' out like I don't like the hebes.
Now, daddy, you stop twisting things around like that.
You don't trust anybody that's different from you, until you need him.
Well, I do need him ! Oh, jeez ! Mom, he's so prejudiced.
What are we gonna do ? Get him a rabinowitz.
Archie, I brought you some juice.
It'll help wash down the pills.
Are you all right ? Can I get you anything more ? No, Edith, just pick up some of the papers around here.
And ask your son-in-law to sit up like a human being.
And, Gloria, you get up and straighten out some of the pictures on the walls.
He'll be here any minute.
You want people to think you live in a pig's eye ? You didn't make this much fuss last year When your own mother came to visit.
His own mother wasn't a Jewish lawyer.
I don't think she even went to high school.
All right, Edith.
Did she, Archie ? Did your mother go to high school ? Will you shut up and straighten out around here ! [ Doorbell rings .]
There he is.
I'll go.
Wait a minute.
Don't be in such a hurry.
Let me tell you somethin'.
Now, please try and show a little class, huh ? These people have a way of seein' right through ya, so remember: Class.
Just watch me.
Now go on to the door.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Oh, cut that out.
Oh, how do you do ? I assume, since this is the Archie bunker residence, that you are the bunker family.
Yes.
My card.
[ Man chuckles .]
[ Edith .]
Come in.
Archie, this is "Mr.
Whitney fitzroy I-v.
" That's Whitney fitzroy the fourth.
"I-v" is the Roman numeral four.
Oh, I see.
Let me take your coat.
Thank you very much.
Very much indeed.
[ Chuckles .]
So, you're Mr.
fitzroy.
Yes.
Mr.
fitzroy of rabinowitz, rabinowitz and rabinowitz ? Well, Mr.
fitzroy, why don't you come and sit right here Next to Mr.
bunker.
I'll tell you what I'll do-- I think I'll come over here and sit right next to Mr.
bunker.
[ Chuckles .]
You're in luck.
He has a sense of humor.
I guess that we can get right down to business.
Are you, uh, comfortable, Mr.
bunker ? I make a livin'.
[ Chortling .]
I meant, are you comfortable in your chair ? This may take a wee while.
I suppose, uh-- I suppose you're wondering why Mr.
sol rabinowitz didn't come.
Yeah, you can say that again.
Actually, it was set up that way originally, but then we realized the area that you live in and your name, and, well, the office has had clients out this way before.
We thought that you'd be, um, you know, more comfortable with one of your own.
[ Chortles .]
That's me.
[ Giggling .]
At rabinowitz et al, I am, well, you might say the token gentile.
The house goy ! The rabinowitzes and I, we share the same letterhead and the same office, but that's where it ends.
[ Chortling .]
You see what I mean ? That's where it ends.
Well, that's where this meeting ends-- here and now ! But, uh, m-m-Mr.
bunker-- no, no, no ! Get away from me, you ! You go back to where you came from and send me a Jew ! Mr.
bunker, believe me, I appreciate your extraordinary faith In the ability of an older and sometimes faltering counselor-at-law.
As a matter of fact, it was your rather eloquent appeal to my secretary That induced me to canard at all.
I can only hope that your confidence in me is well founded.
Don't he talk good, Edith ? Huh ? I know the real article when I see one, Mr.
rabinowitz.
Youse people really believe in education, don't youse ? Uh, we often say, Mr.
bunker, the tree of learning bears the noblest fruit.
Hear that ? The tree of learnin'.
I read that in a fortune cookie once.
Will you stifle yourself.
Probably made in a Jewish bakery.
Stifle yourself ! Go on, Mr.
rabinowitz.
Help yourself to some wine.
That's Morgan David.
Now, listen, between you and me, you know, kind of on the q.
T.
, how come you got this guy Whitney fitzroy the fourth workin' for ya ? 'Cause I'm here to tell ya, he ain't exactly a friend to the Jewish people.
He's friendly enough.
Really ? He is married to my only daughter.
Oh, jeez.
[ Sighs .]
I beg him not to do The "I am the token gentile" bit.
- And the house goy.
- Oh.
He didn't say that too.
He certainly did.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Well, what can you do with children these days ? That's the way it is.
Oh, how do you do ? Hello.
I'm the attorney for Mrs.
greenspan.
Well, come in.
My card.
Thank you.
Archie, this is Mr "Clarence the fifth Marshall.
" That's Clarence v.
Marshall, ma'am.
I thought it was a Roman number.
[ Chuckles .]
Uh, I'm Solomon-- I'm Solomon rabinowitz, representing the injured party, Mr.
bunker.
Pleased to meet you.
Let me take your coat.
Won't you sit down, Mr.
Marshall.
Well, how are you feeling, Mr.
bunker ? Uh, we are in great pain, Mr.
Marshall.
The bunker family physician, Dr.
ferguson, confirms that our upper and lower back are in spasm And the whiplash in our neck is quite severe.
It looks like a long, long siege ahead.
Yes.
Now, Mr.
bunker, according to our records, this accident took place on, uh, Saturday the 14th At approximately Is that correct ? Well, uh Yeah.
Now, according to our witnesses-- witnesses ? You said nothing to me about witnesses, Mr.
bunker.
- The kids, the kids.
You know.
- Oh, yes, the little children in the playground.
Hardly admissible.
Yes, but I'm referring to a station wagon filled with nuns.
Your witnesses ? A station wagon filled with nuns.
According to them, you were coming out of the parking lot when it happened.
Now, do you recall in what direction you were traveling ? Uh, his vehicle was, uh, headed north, I believe.
Yes, but he was traveling South.
Well, I was backin' up.
Now, what difference could that make ? Well, if you were backing up, you were going the wrong way in a one-way alley.
I musta been going forward.
Not according to our witnesses.
A station wagon filled with nuns.
Yes, uh, "sister Maria yolanda, sister Catherine, sister Jeremy, sister Rosemary--" all right, all right, all right ! Everybody knows they go around in a mob.
Hey, Mr.
rabinowitz, where you goin' ? Hey, don't leave, Mr.
rabinowitz.
Listen, don't be a-scared of this guy.
Alongside of you, he's like a green kid.
You're a-- you're a mensch.
Get after 'im.
There is an old, old rule of law, Mr.
bunker.
They say it dates back to before the turn of the century.
"In a court of law, you can't beat a station wagon filled with nuns.
" Hi, Lionel.
Hi, folks.
Last week's cleaning all ready.
Gee, thanks.
Say, Mr.
bunker, I've been thinking about you all week.
That accident you had-- you want the name of the lawyer who helped my folks ? Oh, no, Lionel.
I don't wanna ever get involved in no lawsuits.
He already lost one.
Stifle yourself, Edith.
Okay, but if you ever feel the need, we found just the man.
Name of Solomon rabinowitz.
[ Archie .]
boy, the way Glenn Miller played [ Edith .]
songs that made the hit parade [ Archie .]
guys like us we had it made [ Archie, Edith .]
those were the days [ announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
From television city in Hollywood.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days care for an olive ? Uh-huh.
Mmm.
Beats eating 'em out of jars.
I used to have an Uncle who'd put an olive on every finger of his hand.
Know what they used to call him ? Uh-uh.
Vincent.
Why'd they call him Vincent ? That was his name.
Then why'd you tell me the thing about the-- Michael ! What do you think they're gonna call him ? Olive fingers ? [ Moans .]
I'm starving.
What time's himself comin' home ? I'm not sure.
You know he moonlights with Mr.
munson's taxicab on Saturdays.
Hey, mom, when's daddy coming home ? Well, in his own words, when he's g-d ready.
Myself, something tells me any second now.
Isn't that sweet, Michael ? She feels it in her heart.
No, I hear it at the door.
[ Gloria .]
Hiya, daddy.
[ Mike .]
Hi, arch.
What's the matter with you ? Nothin'.
No hello ? Even they said hello.
They said "hi.
" But you said nothin'.
I was gonna say good evening.
Oh, skip it, will ya.
Skip it.
I've learned to expect nothin' but aggravation from you anyhow.
Um, it's almost 7:00, daddy.
You're late.
He's always late, except after coffee in the morning.
Six minutes later, to the second, watch out.
And God forbid I'm in there shaving.
The workin's of nature won't wait for no deadbeat who takes all morning to shave.
Remember that.
I'm not knockin' it.
I think you're a marvel.
I can even set my watch by how long it takes you to belch after a bicarb.
Twenty-two seconds, exactly.
Well, listen, wise guy, you should have such a constitution.
They'd have counted you out already if you'd been in the accident I was just in.
Archie, an accident ? Daddy, are you all right ? No, no, no, they couldn't hurt me.
What happened ? Well, there was this pushy dame.
You know the kind-- a yenta.
Plows into the back of my cab.
And I mean plowed.
Wham ! Them people are always in a hurry, trying to get to a sale or somethin' to save four cents.
What a tribe.
What do you mean, "what a tribe" ? Forget it, Michael.
Come on, mom.
I'll help you with dinner.
I'm glad you weren't hurt.
What do you mean, "what a tribe" ? Forget it.
It's "irrevelant.
" Irrelevant.
Whatever.
It ain't German to the conversation.
Germane.
Aw, listen, Emily post.
If you correct me one more time-- okay, okay.
But you didn't mean to call me Emily post.
Oh, jeez.
She's an expert on table manners, wedding invitations, things like that.
It's the wrong image, arch.
What you meant to call me was, say, Mr.
funk or Mr.
wagnall, the dictionary people.
'Cause I was correcting you on words.
You see the difference there ? You are defective.
There's no doubt about it.
You got a fuse blown in your head Somewhere between the brain and the nervous system.
There ain't a store in the country that wouldn't take you back.
Why don't you clean your fingernails ? Maybe things wouldn't grow there.
Hey, Edith, where's supper, huh ? All set, Archie.
I was just givin' you a chance to work up an appetite.
He always eats better when he's upset.
Well, I eat better when he's not upset.
So, just this once, could we have a meal without an argument ? Michael ? [ Imitating James cagney .]
You want it ? You got it, baby.
Oh, we're gonna have a floor show, huh ? Come on, daddy.
No arguments, okay ? Who's arguing ? I don't think that's an answer.
Oh, this dingbat's gonna start argument number one over here.
Daddy, mom, could you settle down ? Now, let's just eat.
[ Mike humming .]
[ Continues .]
[ Stops .]
[ Resumes, finishes .]
[ Sighs .]
Mom, anything interesting happen to you today ? Actually, something interesting did happen today.
Oh, no, that was yesterday.
Well, I can't eat no more of this.
What's the matter, daddy ? It's the meat.
It's not done enough.
You knew that all the time ? I made it medium just this once.
I don't like it medium.
I like it well.
Well well.
Peg bracken says it spoils the flavor.
Peg bracken ? Ain't that the dame who don't even like to cook ? Yeah, but she's an expert.
And she says well spoils the flavor.
It seals it in, that's what it does.
Any gourmet will tell you, the only way to eat meat is rare.
Oh, now we hear from the Polish corner.
Poland, the land that gave us such rare and delicate dishes as-- uh, Polish sausage is very good.
You oughta know.
You married one.
I'm sick and tired of your Polish jokes.
You see, mom ? It's winding up in an argument after all.
No, it ain't, 'cause I'm gonna take my dessert over here in my chair.
What do we got, rice puddin' ? Give me some with a pinch of milk on top.
"Give me some with a pinch of milk on top.
" [ Giggles .]
I've been making rice pudding for 22 years, sometimes two and three times a week, and he always says the same thing.
"Give it to me with a little pinch of milk on top.
" Except last week, remember ? Mike and Gloria went out to dinner.
You made rice puddin', and what happened ? You didn't make your usual speech about the milk on top.
I remember.
- And how did you serve it ? - Without the milk on top.
Dingbat.
But he didn't ask for it.
Hey, Archie, you never finished the story about the accident.
Well, the story is, very simply, that A certain Mrs.
rhoda greenspan Plowed into the back of my cab.
They're all the same, them people.
Here.
Here's your rice pudding.
I put a pinch of milk on top.
Gee, that's a good idea.
Bring me some bicarbonate of soda, will ya.
My insides is on fire.
What do you mean, "they're all the same, them people ?" What people ? The chosen people.
What do I gotta do, draw you a picture ? She plows into the back of my cab, then she opens up her yap as though it was me that hit her.
They coulda heard her all the way to Tel Aviv.
Here's your bicarb.
Oh, yeah.
Well, what's done is done.
One, two, I told munson I'd get him an estimate on his cab Three, four, five, six, tomorrow, maybe the next day.
Seven, eight, probably cost an arm and a leg.
Nine, ten, them thieves at the body shop.
you pay $6.
00 an hour for labor.
most of the time they're at the soft drink machine or the can.
what are you doin' ? [ Burps .]
Twenty-two seconds, exactly.
All right, wise guy, so I'm dependable.
What else you tryin' to prove ? Nothin'.
We were discussing one of your favorite hang-ups-- your anti-Jewish bias.
What anti-Jewish bias ? Oh, no, daddy.
Not that again.
Remember, even Jesus was a Jew.
Yeah, but only on his mother's side.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Hiya, Lionel.
How you doin', everybody ? Hiya, Lionel.
You want some rice puddin' ? No, thanks.
I've already eaten.
Say, I was just over to Mr.
munson's.
I understand you used his cab today and put a small dent in it.
I put ? Small dent ? I thought you said she plowed right into you-- wham ! I just came from there.
It's right out front.
It's just a little dent.
A little dent ? And you were making a federal case out of it.
Listen, she hit me hard.
Good thing I wasn't drivin' one of them foreign jobs.
I'd be pushin' up the daisies now.
What were you doin' at munson's ? Come to think of it, what are you doin' here ? Posin' as a body-and-Fender expert ? I was just makin' my rounds, pickin' up the cleaning.
- What cleanin' ? - Didn't we tell ya ? Lionel's folks have opened up a cleaning store on northern boulevard.
I thought we'd give 'em all our business.
You mean, your old man ain't the janitor at the hempstead apts.
No more ? That's right.
Where'd he get the money to open up a cleanin' store ? From the accident.
- When was that ? - When mom and dad got rear-ended by the bus.
After they paid for the lawyer, they had $3,200 left over.
So they bought this franchise.
And they're doin' real well too, Mr.
bunker.
You know, last week they grossed over $1,000.
And that's 200 better than the week before.
And next week they should do 1,500, easy.
All right, Lionel, all right.
You don't have to give me their "dun and broadstreets.
" Here you are, Lionel.
Have everything cleaned and pressed, okay ? Okay.
Thanks, folks.
I'll have it back by Tuesday.
See ya, Lionel.
Bye, Lionel.
Oh, my, wasn't that a lucky break for Lionel's folks ? I think it's just wonderful.
It's like a whole new life opened up for 'em.
$3,200.
My ! [ Mike .]
His father says they're doin' so well, they may open another store.
And have two stores ? [ Edith .]
Oh, my goodness ! They could open up a whole chain of stores.
Oww ! Jeez ! What's the matter ? What happened ? Archie.
What a pain in the back ! Stay away from me.
Don't touch me, nobody.
Just let me see if I can walk all alone.
Look out.
Ooh, Edith ! Ohh ! Oh, Archie ! Do you think it's from the accident ? Maybe you got a whiplash.
Nah.
Not from a little dent.
Shut up, meathead.
Edith, help me to the chair, will ya.
You, keep away from me.
[ Groans .]
Oh.
Oh, gee, Edith.
Oh ! Uh, wh-what was that you said about, uh whiplash ? What are you doin', Edith ? The reader's digest says you should put a pillow under your legs If you hurt your back.
- Don't believe what you read in them articles.
- It wasn't in an article.
It was at the bottom of a page.
You know, where the article was finished and they still had some space.
I don't wanna hear about the articles ! I don't read the articles.
Just the bottom of the pages.
Do they tell you, at the bottom of the pages, how to bury your husband ? Oh, Archie, don't talk like that.
How could you be dying ? You ain't seen a doctor yet.
Yeah, what about a doctor, daddy ? We'll see a lawyer first.
He'll tell us what doctor to go to.
They got specialists for all these things.
What about Fred kowalcyzk, my brother-in-law ? He's a lawyer.
Kowalcyzk.
No, that don't sound good.
We could call Helen gurney's brother Peter.
He handles accidents.
Peter gurney ? No, no, no.
Listen, get me the yellow pages.
Why not somebody you know ? Why a stranger ? Because sometimes strangers is best.
They don't get too close to you.
You know what I mean.
No.
Will you get me the yellow pages ! Do you know what he means, ma ? No.
Cut that out, Edith ! Let's see here.
There's, like, ten pages of lawyers here.
Where should I start, at the beginning ? No, start at the middle and read out sideways.
Certainly, start at the beginning.
There's 10,000 names here.
I'll skip around.
It'll be faster.
All right, let's see.
Uh, "w.
B.
Adams.
Adams and brenner.
Burton and fitzallen.
Cohen and Ginsberg--" Cohen and Ginsberg.
What ? Cohen-- just go on readin'.
Go on, go on.
Okay, uh, "Evans and monahan.
Franklin and Powell.
Lochman, shapiro and stone--" lochman, shapiro and stone.
- What ? - I'm just thinkin'.
Will you read on ! All right.
"Harris and whipple.
"Johnson and Smith.
McDonald and shelby.
Rabinowitz, rabinowitz and rabinowitz--" rabinowitz, rabinowitz-- what was the third name ? Rabinowitz.
Yeah.
How do they sound to you ? Jewish.
Very Jewish.
What has their religion got to do with it ? That's what we wanna know.
Listen, Mr.
big liberal, you brought up their religion, not me.
If they're good lawyers, for all I care they could be chinks.
Do you believe him ? He actually thinks because they're Jewish they're smarter, shrewder.
Well ? You actually believe that junk ? Listen to this guy, Edith.
I agree with him that they're smarter and shrewder, he's makin' out like I don't like the hebes.
Now, daddy, you stop twisting things around like that.
You don't trust anybody that's different from you, until you need him.
Well, I do need him ! Oh, jeez ! Mom, he's so prejudiced.
What are we gonna do ? Get him a rabinowitz.
Archie, I brought you some juice.
It'll help wash down the pills.
Are you all right ? Can I get you anything more ? No, Edith, just pick up some of the papers around here.
And ask your son-in-law to sit up like a human being.
And, Gloria, you get up and straighten out some of the pictures on the walls.
He'll be here any minute.
You want people to think you live in a pig's eye ? You didn't make this much fuss last year When your own mother came to visit.
His own mother wasn't a Jewish lawyer.
I don't think she even went to high school.
All right, Edith.
Did she, Archie ? Did your mother go to high school ? Will you shut up and straighten out around here ! [ Doorbell rings .]
There he is.
I'll go.
Wait a minute.
Don't be in such a hurry.
Let me tell you somethin'.
Now, please try and show a little class, huh ? These people have a way of seein' right through ya, so remember: Class.
Just watch me.
Now go on to the door.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Oh, cut that out.
Oh, how do you do ? I assume, since this is the Archie bunker residence, that you are the bunker family.
Yes.
My card.
[ Man chuckles .]
[ Edith .]
Come in.
Archie, this is "Mr.
Whitney fitzroy I-v.
" That's Whitney fitzroy the fourth.
"I-v" is the Roman numeral four.
Oh, I see.
Let me take your coat.
Thank you very much.
Very much indeed.
[ Chuckles .]
So, you're Mr.
fitzroy.
Yes.
Mr.
fitzroy of rabinowitz, rabinowitz and rabinowitz ? Well, Mr.
fitzroy, why don't you come and sit right here Next to Mr.
bunker.
I'll tell you what I'll do-- I think I'll come over here and sit right next to Mr.
bunker.
[ Chuckles .]
You're in luck.
He has a sense of humor.
I guess that we can get right down to business.
Are you, uh, comfortable, Mr.
bunker ? I make a livin'.
[ Chortling .]
I meant, are you comfortable in your chair ? This may take a wee while.
I suppose, uh-- I suppose you're wondering why Mr.
sol rabinowitz didn't come.
Yeah, you can say that again.
Actually, it was set up that way originally, but then we realized the area that you live in and your name, and, well, the office has had clients out this way before.
We thought that you'd be, um, you know, more comfortable with one of your own.
[ Chortles .]
That's me.
[ Giggling .]
At rabinowitz et al, I am, well, you might say the token gentile.
The house goy ! The rabinowitzes and I, we share the same letterhead and the same office, but that's where it ends.
[ Chortling .]
You see what I mean ? That's where it ends.
Well, that's where this meeting ends-- here and now ! But, uh, m-m-Mr.
bunker-- no, no, no ! Get away from me, you ! You go back to where you came from and send me a Jew ! Mr.
bunker, believe me, I appreciate your extraordinary faith In the ability of an older and sometimes faltering counselor-at-law.
As a matter of fact, it was your rather eloquent appeal to my secretary That induced me to canard at all.
I can only hope that your confidence in me is well founded.
Don't he talk good, Edith ? Huh ? I know the real article when I see one, Mr.
rabinowitz.
Youse people really believe in education, don't youse ? Uh, we often say, Mr.
bunker, the tree of learning bears the noblest fruit.
Hear that ? The tree of learnin'.
I read that in a fortune cookie once.
Will you stifle yourself.
Probably made in a Jewish bakery.
Stifle yourself ! Go on, Mr.
rabinowitz.
Help yourself to some wine.
That's Morgan David.
Now, listen, between you and me, you know, kind of on the q.
T.
, how come you got this guy Whitney fitzroy the fourth workin' for ya ? 'Cause I'm here to tell ya, he ain't exactly a friend to the Jewish people.
He's friendly enough.
Really ? He is married to my only daughter.
Oh, jeez.
[ Sighs .]
I beg him not to do The "I am the token gentile" bit.
- And the house goy.
- Oh.
He didn't say that too.
He certainly did.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Well, what can you do with children these days ? That's the way it is.
Oh, how do you do ? Hello.
I'm the attorney for Mrs.
greenspan.
Well, come in.
My card.
Thank you.
Archie, this is Mr "Clarence the fifth Marshall.
" That's Clarence v.
Marshall, ma'am.
I thought it was a Roman number.
[ Chuckles .]
Uh, I'm Solomon-- I'm Solomon rabinowitz, representing the injured party, Mr.
bunker.
Pleased to meet you.
Let me take your coat.
Won't you sit down, Mr.
Marshall.
Well, how are you feeling, Mr.
bunker ? Uh, we are in great pain, Mr.
Marshall.
The bunker family physician, Dr.
ferguson, confirms that our upper and lower back are in spasm And the whiplash in our neck is quite severe.
It looks like a long, long siege ahead.
Yes.
Now, Mr.
bunker, according to our records, this accident took place on, uh, Saturday the 14th At approximately Is that correct ? Well, uh Yeah.
Now, according to our witnesses-- witnesses ? You said nothing to me about witnesses, Mr.
bunker.
- The kids, the kids.
You know.
- Oh, yes, the little children in the playground.
Hardly admissible.
Yes, but I'm referring to a station wagon filled with nuns.
Your witnesses ? A station wagon filled with nuns.
According to them, you were coming out of the parking lot when it happened.
Now, do you recall in what direction you were traveling ? Uh, his vehicle was, uh, headed north, I believe.
Yes, but he was traveling South.
Well, I was backin' up.
Now, what difference could that make ? Well, if you were backing up, you were going the wrong way in a one-way alley.
I musta been going forward.
Not according to our witnesses.
A station wagon filled with nuns.
Yes, uh, "sister Maria yolanda, sister Catherine, sister Jeremy, sister Rosemary--" all right, all right, all right ! Everybody knows they go around in a mob.
Hey, Mr.
rabinowitz, where you goin' ? Hey, don't leave, Mr.
rabinowitz.
Listen, don't be a-scared of this guy.
Alongside of you, he's like a green kid.
You're a-- you're a mensch.
Get after 'im.
There is an old, old rule of law, Mr.
bunker.
They say it dates back to before the turn of the century.
"In a court of law, you can't beat a station wagon filled with nuns.
" Hi, Lionel.
Hi, folks.
Last week's cleaning all ready.
Gee, thanks.
Say, Mr.
bunker, I've been thinking about you all week.
That accident you had-- you want the name of the lawyer who helped my folks ? Oh, no, Lionel.
I don't wanna ever get involved in no lawsuits.
He already lost one.
Stifle yourself, Edith.
Okay, but if you ever feel the need, we found just the man.
Name of Solomon rabinowitz.
[ Archie .]
boy, the way Glenn Miller played [ Edith .]
songs that made the hit parade [ Archie .]
guys like us we had it made [ Archie, Edith .]
those were the days [ announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.