Allen Gregory (2011) s01e03 Episode Script

Allen Gregory 1x03 Gay School Dance Ya, ya Allen Gregory Allen, Allen.
Patrick, what's on the ol' skedge for the day? Read it off to me.
Um, we have school? It says that? Well, no, I just know it? Because we have it every day? Yeah, but it should say it in there.
What else we got? Hit me with it.
Well, there's the dance coming up.
Uh-huh.
Did you ask Principal Gottlieb for me? Oh, yeah, she said there's no way in hell she's going with a seven-year-old.
And then she kicked me out of her office.
Hmm.
Well, now you're making me think you screwed something up.
Does she hate you Uh Hey, Joel, you going to the bathroom, too? We doin' this? Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, was just gonna actually drop one off myself.
'Bout to blow this joint up.
You go near that bathroom, I'm gonna put your head up Joel's ass.
Ian! Why would I even want that? Think about what you're saying before you say it.
Sorry, I-- I just thought that-- It's okay.
It's okay.
But if he wants to come in so bad, let him come in.
Ooh, Pat.
Ouch.
Is he good to? No? Sorry, bud, fought for you.
Mmmm! Mmmm! Mmmm! Mmmm! Mmmm! Mmmm! Mmmm! I am so proud of my little monkey! Kids guess who finally got off his gorgeous ass and found himself a job? I'm guessing Jeremy, since the checks from the family trust aren't what they used to be 'cause the De Longpre name has completely gone down the toilet, what? What's that? Yeah, it's actually pretty exciting.
I'm the new DJ at Bruce and Kirby's Roller Bowl.
Yeah, that's great, Jeremy.
What's going on with you today? He's upset because Joel Zadak made him drink toilet water.
He didn't make me drink it, Julie; I chose to drink it.
There's a difference.
Right.
Look, Zadak and I-- we're homies.
And when you put two silverbacks in the same jungle, they're gonna pound their chests a little bit.
Well, it sounds to me like you two just need a little one-on-one time.
Hey, why don't you ask him to the big dance next week? I think that might be a little weird, for a boy to ask another boy.
Weird? What's weird about it? I feel like the kids would eat him alive.
I think he should do it.
See, everyone else gets it.
Pretty sure she was being sarcastic.
Hey! You know what we should do? We should march down to that school and educate these sour dicks on alternative lifestyles.
I'm listening.
At Parents' Night, we put an end to this oppressive notion of boys being forced to ask girls, and vice versa.
What if boys were required to ask other boys, and And vice versa.
So just to lay it out here, he gets picked on, and you jump straight to: "I gotta get down there and make the whole dance gay.
" It does feel like a stretch, Rich.
You said that last night and who won that argument? You did.
Okay, everyone.
I want to welcome our newest student.
Allen Gregory, do you want to come up and introduce your parents? Where do I begin? Just go ahead and introduce your parents.
Shut up.
Anyway, you all recognize the sleek, bald gentleman behind me, head of De Longpre International and the man whose semen I came from, Richard De Longpre.
And this other sweaty bag of meat is Jeremy, no DNA connection whatsoever.
He's my father's human sex doll and the pathetic DJ at Bruce and Kirby's Roller Bowl.
Yes, yes, thank you.
I'd like to take this opportunity to share an exciting idea.
You're gonna love this.
It's really an important issue.
I have a question for the DJ-- do you get to choose all the music? Actually, I do.
Yeah.
Wonderful, yes.
He mindlessly pushes play for a living.
Well, it's a little more than that Do you play any Kid Cudi? Uh, yeah, I have a couple of tracks.
He's pretty fresh.
Cudi's a genius! He is fresh! Awesome! Okay, this is getting insane.
I actually wanted to talk to you all about the big dance coming up.
Oh, my God, Jeremy should DJ the dance! Yes! Yes! That's a great idea! No, no, no, no-- that's not, no, hey, no, no.
Actually, I was thinking that maybe boys could ask boys, and girls could ask-- Jer-e-my! DJ for the dance! Jer-e-my! DJ for the dance! Jer-e-my! DJ for the dance! Jer-e-my! DJ for the dance! Judith, there is obviously a buttload of homophobia going on at this school.
Ooh, and it reared its ugly head last night, boy.
It caused quite a stir.
Because it's ridiculous! You can't force seven-year-olds to be homosexuals at a school dance! I think the stir was more about me being the DJ.
No, it was clearly an anti-gay stir, that turned into a borderline anti-gay rally.
Jude, are you weirded out by the idea of me going with someone else? Is that what this is? That's what this is-- No, that's not what this is.
I'm very weirded out by it.
But not So, you're just like one of them, you sick old bitch.
Hey! That's my sick old bitch you're talking to! Hey! I'm no one's sick old bitch, and it's my school.
I say what goes and what doesn't go, and this poppycock doesn't go! Hm.
I wonder how Superintendent Rossmyre will react to your insensitivity, Judith.
Guess I'll just get him on the horn here and tell him your idea for the big "Gas All The Gays" dance.
One ring.
I didn't say that.
Or did you? Two rings.
Do what you want.
Great! I'll organize the whole thing.
First step, find a DJ.
What? It seemed like the kids were really excited about me being-- Ugh, they felt sorry for you, Jeremy! Like when they clap for Kirk Douglas at the Oscars.
Allen Gregory, where are you going? He doesn't know it yet, but Joel Zadak's about to get asked the (bleep) out.
I'm sorry.
What'd you say? So have you thought about who you want to go with to the dance? Uh, yeah! It's pretty obvious who I should go with, Patrick.
My best friend.
Oh.
Cool.
When do you think you might ask him? Oh, Patrick, you're so naive.
You can't just come out and ask.
Zadak's way too crafty for that.
Zadak? Yeah, you didn't think I was gonna Oh, my God, this is so funny, this is so funny, this is so funny, this is so funny.
Ha.
Yeah.
I mean, us go together? Who would buy that? I don't know.
I gotta call my dad.
Dad, Dad, Dad, you gotta hear this.
So we're rehearsing asking Zadak to the dance and get this-- the whole time Patrick thought I was gonna ask him Yes! Patrick! He's dying, he's going nuts.
Hey, you wanna go to the dance? You know what, Brian? I do.
Hah! That was so much easier than asking a stupid girl.
Ugh, it's just sad.
My dad clicks his heels and now the whole school is going along with this ridiculous idea.
We gotta do something about this.
Actually, Jules, we kind of are doing something about it.
Val and I decided to ask each other to the dance.
- What? - And we said yes! I was so nervous! Ugh, she's been burned before.
Oh, I don't believe this.
You guys are pathetic.
Sit down, young lady! I was gonna storm out.
And it would have been effective.
Yeah, the whole moving bus thing.
What up, fool? Ahhh! Richard.
You scared me.
Scares easily What are you doing? Scoutin' the local spots.
I need a DJ.
And you are in the running, mister.
Richard, you're not jealous of the attention I was getting from the kids, are you? I mean, that's not what this is about, right? Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.
What am I listening to right now? A Rod Stewart song.
Is that a D? What do you mean, in "Rod"? Yeah, of course it's a D.
R-O-D? Yes.
Rod Stewart.
Just one D? Yes.
One D.
He's hugely famous.
Mm-hmm.
And what made you choose him at this particular moment? Well, I just came off a contemporary set, and now I'm easing the crowd back in with a light '70s groove.
Hmmm.
Not sure I get the thinking there.
Seems dead wrong.
I just wanted to say what a great job you're doing.
My kids are going on and on about the music! Right, guys? Yeah! Yeah! Oh, thanks.
That means a lot.
And what does this button here do? Richard! Come on! Oh my God, Jeremy, what did you do?! Jeremy! My equipment! You stupid douche! Is that with a D? Of course it's a D! Hello? Hey, Patsy.
Listen, I realize now that I almost made a huge boner at school today.
Asking Zadak to the dance-- that would have been beyond stupid.
Well, I'm glad to hear you say that, Allen Gregory.
Yeah, I gotta ask him over the phone.
It'll be much more professional.
Oh.
Get him on the line for me? Zadak.
Hi, Joel.
Uh, I have Allen Gregory De Longpre for you.
Huh? The b-hole with the glasses? Yeah.
Okay, well can I pass on talking to him altogether.
Um, I can ask him.
Allen Gregory? Can Joel-- Joelio, you sick son of a bitch! I just jumped on the line, just this second.
What's up, big dawg? What do you want? So this dance thing, huh? What's your take on it? Because all these kids are asking me, and I'm like, "Whaaat?" You know? No, I don't.
I gotta go.
Wait, Joel, one sec, um I don't know, I was thinking maybe we could go together-- Not a chance in hell, my man.
Oh, you don't even want to think about it? Nope.
Pat, hop off the line for a sec, pal? But then you'll get disconnected, since I called him? Oh, God, just forget it We done here? I think we're done here.
Patrick, hop back on, will you? Uhh Hey, buddy, so it turns out I'm not gonna be able to make that school dance we were talking about.
Joel just reminded me I have a charity funksh that night.
Oh.
But I was on the phone? And I heard everything? Hello? Ugh.
Principal Gottlieb, why are you letting this dance happen? Well, it's a learning deal for the kids about open-minded stuff, or whatever.
You don't believe that.
It doesn't matter what I believe.
Your dad's got me over a barrel with this thing.
And you're just gonna bend over and take it? Julie, what do you want from me? I want my principal back.
She's not here.
Well, if you see her, tell her the school needs her.
So, I'm gonna need a car to pick me up at my residence for the charity function The one you made up because Joel flat-out rejected you to your-- Pat, Pat, Pat, please let me finish.
Call Jean-Michel, tell him I'll need my suit fitted by 3:00 Um excuse me, Allen Gregory? Val and Beth.
We just wanted to say we're super pumped about your dance.
Yeah, it's really forward-thinking Aww, thanks fellas.
What's going on? So, you go to school here, or? Sure do.
Yepper.
You didn't know that? Okay, yes, I did know that.
But you needed to check with him? No, I didn't need to check with him.
It was so nice meeting you guys.
You're adorable.
So, you guys are friends with my brother now? Did he say that? Sweet kids.
Remind me to remind you to send 'em a candle later.
So, I've been rethinking the whole dance Oh, have you? Patrick, I was wondering if you and I could go together.
He's Patrick.
Yeah, I know.
Well you can't go, right? Because of your charity thing? That's right.
Um, okay um, yeah! Sweet.
Pick you up at 7:00.
Look nice for me.
Wow, I'm going to the dance with Joel Zadak! How exciting is this?! Not as exciting as my charity function.
Finding a cure for sickle-cell is more Shut up, Patrick! Damn it! You gotta fix this stuff, Patrick! 68 degrees, clear skies, here's a little biscuit for all you flamos out there! Ooh! Our song! Remember? It was playing the first time we saw each other.
You were dancing with your wife.
We locked eyes from across the room, and instantly fell in love.
Yeah, I got fired today, Rich.
Uh-oh! Someone's wearing their pissy face.
Boo.
Well, I guess I'm the one wearing my pissy face because I'm pissy.
All right, let's talk it out.
Let's communicate, Jeremy.
Okay, that would be great.
Why did they fire you? You came there and destroyed the equipment, Richard.
Okay, please don't play the blame game because it is a game that you will lose.
You know that.
Aw.
You want to play "Oopsie, I dropped the towel"? That's a game you're good at.
No, I don't.
How about a quick round of "Guess what's poking out from under that towel"? Rich, you're not listening.
"Good-bye, towel, hello, Richard's penis"? It's like they're all essentially the same game.
Suit yourself.
Where are you going? I hired Mike Maganza to DJ-- he's fantastic, by the way.
We're going to meet up, hammer out the set list.
So you're not even letting me do the dance.
Jeremy, I'm bummed about it, too, but put yourself in my shoes.
You're at a roller rink looking for a DJ, but uh-oh, he drops the ball big-time in the middle of his evaluation.
What am I supposed to do, look the other way? Guess we just got to chalk it up to bad timing, right? Or do we chalk it up to you forcing me to get a job because there are money problems but you're super vague about it? And then I get that job and you're threatened by it because it's so damn cool, so you come down to the roller rink on a fake DJ search and get me fired on purpose? Oopsie.
Oh, Patrick.
You've reached Judith Gottlieb.
Leave me a message after the-- did it beep yet? I can't tell if it beeped.
Hey, J, it's me.
Sorry, I just had to call you.
I-I'm lost right now, babe.
I know we're sold on this whole same-sex dance thing, but I think maybe you were right.
It does feel weird-- us not going together.
Part of me wonders, do we just go back to that? It was so simple then.
He's so funny.
Can you believe Patrick? Kid has no clue what he's in for.
So when do I pull his pants down? We'll do it on a specific line in Flo Rida's "Club Can't Handle Me.
" Let's sing it out so we're all on the same page.
Guillermo.
Uh You know I know how To make 'em stop and stare as I zone out.
There? Not yet, keep going.
The club can't even handle me right now.
There? No, I will tell you when, Guillermo.
Watching you watching me, I go all out The club can't even handle me right Now, Guillermo, now.
You wanted to see me? Julie, take a seat, listen to this.
Your brother left me a voice message, but, you see, he didn't hang up the phone properly, so the conversation going on in the background was recorded into my answering machine Yeah, I get it, but what does this matter? The dance is tonight.
It's over.
It's not over, Julie.
You were right.
The school does need me.
It needs us.
Their plan is to humiliate Patrick.
But if we could somehow re-jiggerate it so that your brother pulls the trousers down instead of that "Gill-er-mo" character, your father Would be crushed.
And his precious son will have undermined the whole point of the dance.
I'd suspend him right there.
And your dad would rue the day he ever crossed Judith Anthony Gottlieb.
There she is.
Now, it all goes down when the Flo Rida raps out a certain lyric.
What's the lyric? You know I know how To make 'em stop and stare As I zone out Okay, so that's when Hold your horses, Julie.
No.
Watchin' you watchin' me I go all out Okay, now? Uh-uh.
The club can't even handle me right now How's this look? Do you like this tie or this one? That one's fine.
I think Joel would like this one.
Oh, my God, Patrick.
It doesn't matter.
Allen Gregory, are you sad that Joel asked me? Yes, Patrick, I'm sad.
I'm sad because there are thousands of kids just like you and me, except black, with stage four sickle-cell anemia.
My charity, Pat.
That's what I'm sad about.
Sorry, it's just, I'm so excited.
But you got to calm down.
Is this whole thing overwhelming you? If it's too much for you to handle, we can still get you out it.
What? No way.
This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
No, it's not.
He only asked you because Because why? Because, if he didn't, he'd be kicking himself right now.
So you just like to free-ball it, then? Yeah.
You might want to throw on some underwear.
Just for tonight.
Trust me.
Okay.
So, Beth, how's your back holding up with all the dancing? I'm not going to lie, Val.
It stings, but it's worth it.
Mr.
De Longpre, hi.
Where are your kids? Oh, they they're just Hey, what do you think of the DJ? I don't know.
Does it matter? Moving into the Dumpster, huh? Well, no.
I'm just throwing my DJ gear away.
And then you're going to throw away yourself and just full-on move into the Dumpster? I don't know how that would even work.
But if you were smart enough to figure it out, you'd do it? You'd actually just be a piece of trash and live in the Dumpster? Okay, yeah, probably, Allen Gregory.
Why didn't you go to the dance? It's a long story, Jeremy.
And you've got this whole move you have to worry about.
I'm surprised you're going to miss Zadak's big moment.
How do you know about that? The whole school's talking about it.
His crew is going to pants Patrick in the middle of "Club Can't Handle Me.
" That's actually a pretty fresh track, but aren't you going to help your friend? There's no time, Jeremy.
The kid's pants are probably around his ankles as we speak.
Well, hang on a second.
If Maganza knows the first thing about spinning, he won't pop "Club Can't Handle" till the second half of the dance.
I mean, he'd be stupid to.
Even if I could stop them, that would just piss off Zadak.
But if you were the one to pants Patrick, Zadak would probably Nah, never mind.
Zadak would probably what? I don't know, be your best friend forever or something? But I guess you're already there, so Allen Gregory, I don't think you should pull your friend's pants down.
Mmm.
Jeremy, get the car.
I'm going to pull my friend's pants down.
Okay, kids, who's up for a little Flo Rida? What are we waiting on, Pat? Let's get this going.
("Club Can't Handle Me" playing in distance) You know I know how To make 'em stop and stare As I zone out The club can't even handle me right now Watchin' you watchin' me I go all out The club can't even handle me right now Aw! Come on! My dance.
Sorry, bro, the vibe in here has gotten really weird.
I got to bounce.
The initial plan was for the other boy to be naked, but now it's Allen! Yeah, as awesome as it is, you still screwed up, Guillermo.
Yeah, okay.
You're right to laugh.
Go nuts.
Have a field day for all I care, 'cause this is ridiculous.
What are we doing? We're all here with someone, but not the someone we want to be here with.
I came with Guillermo 'cause I wanted to.
Okay, thanks, Ian.
But we didn't get to choose.
No, we chose it, straight up.
Guillermo, I will slap your chubby Hispanic face! But only if I want to.
And that's the point, people.
That's the lesson.
Choice.
Having it, making it, choosing it.
We should all get to pick who we go to a dance with.
Being gay is not something we can be forced to do.
You don't come out of the womb knowing what sexual preference you have.
You get out in the world.
You mix it up a little bit.
You try a little of both.
You go into one bathroom, you hop into the other bathroom.
It's all good.
And then, if you're so inclined, you make the choice to be gay.
For attention, revenge or whatever.
Listen, I don't know about you guys, but me I choose choice.
Okay, none of that was right.
I got to explain the gay thing.
Hey.
Hey.
u came.
Well, Allen Gregory needed a ride, plus I wanted to catch the end of Maganza's set.
He really brings the energy, but he also knows when to let it breathe.
Maganza's got nothing on you.
Thought you said it's just pushing play.
Then get up there and push play.
First of all Being gay is not a choice.
Great speech, Allen Gregory.
Yeah, real poignant stuff.
Thanks, guys.
You know, if I reached one kid out there Hey, you reached two.
Boom and boom.
So that's it? Go dance with your weird friends, Julie.
We'll live to fight another day.
Patrick would you like to dance? So I was supposed to get pantsed? And you stepped in front of me and got pantsed instead? Yes, that's exactly what I did.
Very much on purpose.
'Cause when I felt your hands on my waistband, I was like, "Uh-oh.
He's going to pull my pants down.
" Oh, Patrick! And you left your charity event for me? Yes, because tonight, you needed me more than sickle-cell did.
And I'll drop another load on you.
Sometimes friendship is the real charity.
Is Zadak watching? No.
You sure? He's not looking over? Uh-uh.
Not at all.
Yeah.
That's how I'd play it, too.
So you don't even think he's glanced over for, like, one second? Nope Like, with his He might not be turning his head.
Is he turning his eyes? Can you see his eyes moving over here? No What about now? Nada.
There's no way he hasn't even looked once.
He's not lookin'.
Really? He's good.
He's better than you think.
What? 'Cause he's looking, but he can make it look like he's not looking.
Does that make sense? Nope.