Alleyn Mysteries (1990) s01e03 Episode Script
Final Curtain
Dare say you'll be glad to get home.
Have you anyone waiting? - Well not down there - I wish I had Its all my own fault No sooner in old Blighty than Im off again A regular globetrotter Ah, well, back to what's the word? Austerity - I thought Id gotten away from it forever - Hard luck I say, is that your lot? First Officer's compliments, sir You and Mr Trumper can disembark by B deck gangway, starboard side Thank you I thought you might like a paper - The pilot brings them - Thanks Well, let's see if there's any good news for a change - Oh, old Ancred has bought it - Who? Sir Henry Ancred.
When I was a kid, I was dragged off to see him in Othello Or Macbeth, was it? One of those johnnies Talk about boring.
Died on his birthday, it seems Really? The occasion was marked by the unveiling of his portrait commissioned from Miss Agatha Troy, RA May I see that, please? Rotten luck Well, it seems as though you'll just have to wait until you've gone ashore Damn! I say, that's a real Panama Oh, well, I suppose I wouldnt be wearing it again for a year or two I think you can count on that at least Time to go ashore, Mr Trumper Oh, yes? - Back so soon, then? - Its been two months Has it? Well, I never Is that for me? - Flowers have a tendency to wilt - I haven't seen one of those in years Perhaps Ill use it for a still life I wouldnt have minded a bank robber .
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or even a murderer, a strangler, say, or one of those hen-pecked little fellows who's seen his wife off with an axe Con men are the lower depths, they ooze what they think is charm and it's endless Day and night lay it on with a trowel From Cape Town, was it? - Excuse me? - What? Oh, I just thought that after telling me all about your adventures in India South Africa that youd condescended to ask what Id been doing for the past whatever it was - I know what you've been doing - Really? Clever you, then You've been painting that old actor Ancred who's upped and died - My God - What's the matter? - Do you know everything? - One reads the Times Ive been trying to what's that awful expression? Get up a head of steam to tell you about it - What's the matter? - Rory, Im not scatterbrained, am I? No, dont laugh.
The old man's dead They all said it was the crayfish but what about the red paint on the banister? Or that horrid little book about how to embalm a corpse? If it comes down to it, what happened to the arsenic? Oh, look, I am making sense.
inside my head I know I am Its simply that Im no good at telling a story But you're going to I knew it was all a mistake when I couldn't enjoy my sandwiches And Id given myself a treat, smoked salmon Please dont think Im seething with sinister intent I mean, there's no need to swing from the communication cord He had only to open his mouth and swinging from the communication cord was the last thing one had in mind But no, that's not where it begins You were asked to paint a portrait Yes.
Yes, that's right.
Aren't you clever? I was written to by Sir Henry's daughter-in-law who keeps house for him, Millamant Millamant? She was Mildred but the old man re-christened her They once played together in The Way Of The World Well, anyway, I didnt want to do the portrait so I told them no The next thing I knew, Thomas Ancred was on my doorstep He's the younger son.
He produces And so you said yes I said yes to dinner.
It was at the Oleander The food there is black market Troy We dont, all of us, go on paid holidays to South Africa And I still said no But why? A portrait of Sir Henry as Macbeth, six feet by four, to be completed in just over a week Mr Ancred, contrary to what you have apparently heard, I am not a house painter - Dear lady - Sorry You see, it's Papa's 75th and he was so in hopes that the nation would honour him with a portrait Alas, the nation has dragged its collective feet and so Papa, being the trooper that he is, has decided to honour himself - Money really is no object - Not interested Oh, come now, what's a week? And I assure you, you'll loathe our family No I beg your pardon? Ill do what? Taken en masse, they can be quite revolting Its why I prefer to live in London Of course, working hammer and tongs, you won't see much of them Mr Ancred, hammer and tongs isn't ever how I like to work and I don't paint to order or with a time limit or six feet by four As to money being no object, how lovely, but this week I find Im unexpectedly solvent So you can be as charming as you undoubtedly Thank you Which, I imagine, is how you came to be on the train Im Cedric Ancred I find it so exciting that you're going to do a picture of Grand papa in all his tats and bobs - Sir Henry is your - Yes, sordid, isn't it? Mummy is Millamant who looks after him and Daddy, only promise you won't tell, was Henry Irving Ancred - I paint too - Do you? - How nice - Not like you.
I design things Of course it's all grim nowadays but we keep on toddling Oh, God, you were reading and I stopped you Its not important It is a sin against the Holy Ghost - What utter nonsense - You tell me so Pardon me, Penelope Do you er Design at all for the theatre? How sweet of you to take an interest.
Yes, when one is given employment, which, with a word from the grand old man, would be all the year round Only in my case, the grand old man chooses never to speak Talk about blood being thicker than water Oh, my God.
Don't look What is it? I can't bear it.
Every time I see it, it gets uglier - Does it? - There God, the enduring horror of it Castle Despair I say, I spy with my little eye Ancreds by the dozen Greetings, you two This is my cousin, Fenella Cairnes Hello And the warrior bold is another cousin, Paul Kentish - Hello - Miss Agatha Troy You've really come.
We can hardly believe it Grandfather is ten years younger Whereas I am ageing by the minute.
Do say you've brought the car Only the governess cart, Cedric.
Have you brought much luggage? Oh, so you have.
Well, the luggage can go in the cart and we can I refuse to walk! Slowly, you brute.
You'll have us all over! Are you mad? You You animal! Slowly, I say! Of course the clan will gather for the great day Mummy will be there but Daddys touring in the Middle East Touring? Do you mean with the army? - No, he's in "Hay Fever" - In the desert? And there's my mother who's already here Not to mention Aunt Desdemona who's never married but dies for love at least once a year - Three sisters - A good subject for a play Not bad What is it? A horrible child has just pulled a face at me - Oh, that will be my young sister - Oh, Im terribly sorry Don't be.
She is a horror - Name of Panty - Oh, yes? What a charming name! Cos the little blister's knickers were always falling down! In a way, Im the black sheep of the family Because I hate the theatre.
I want nothing to do with it No, what Id really like is to go into the police But of course with this gammy leg of mine, that'll be pie in the sky I have a friend at Scotland Yard Im sure hed be only too glad to talk to you - Well, that was kind of you - He's a sweet boy When you go down to Ancreton, you and he When I what? I mean, if.
If Pauline Kentish, Paul's mother, that is, had been in a great many of the kind of plays where people come in and go out through French windows Hello! You've come to paint Father, haven't you? How do you do? - How do you do? - We're all agog Paul, darling, there you are I hope you haven't walked from the station, not with your poor leg Now, dont lie.
Cedric has told me all Fenella, dear, why did you let him? Mother, walking is good for me When I left the hospital, I was told Such a brave old boy.
So courageous, Miss Troy A King Harry home from Agincourt Forgive a mother's tears We Ancred's cannot always hide what is within Drinks are being served in the great hall There you are.
Come and have a stirrup cup God, Im done in That damn pony ought to be put down Cedric, sit up straight.
You're not a child Miss Troy? Im Millamant Ancred.
How do you do? - How do you do? - Milly is my mama My father-in-law looks forward to meeting you He hopes you had a pleasant journey - And all that rot - Do sit down Thank you - Fruit cup, madam? - Oh, lovely Milly, where are you putting Miss Troy? In Bernhardt or Siddons? Grand papa named the bedrooms after actresses - Why not in Bracegirdle? - Out of the question The ceiling leaks and there are rats Until Barker finds the poison he mislaid, Bracegirdle is out of bounds Miss Troy will do very nicely in Siddons We could always move darling Sonia into Bracegirdle - What larks! - Be quiet, Cedric Fen, my poppet, Paul, haven't either of you told Miss Troy about Sonia? - Is she one of the family? - No, but shed like to be Cedric, you are impossible Sonia is the old party's protege Oh, yes? Or if I may resort to ye olde English, she's his bit of naughty Cedric, you're disgusting Thank you, Fenella, but I believe chastisement is a mother's privilege We all loathe her Am I in time for fruit cup? Oh, say it's not all gone Sonia simply must have a drinky Darling! Cedric! You've come down for Noddy's birthday! This is only base camp.
From here on, the ascent begins - Alpenstocks at the ready - Something like that Im afraid Barker's put your painting gear upstairs in your room Ill have him move it to the theatre first thing The theatre? Is there one? Well, it's not exactly Drury Lane but you'll find that Grand papa does nothing by halves You'll have Macbeth scenery, the blasted heath and all that and if Paul's sister, young Panty, can be made to pose, you'll even have the bloody child and there's proper lighting - Oh, Lord, I need daylight - Oh.
Will a window suffice? We spare no expense Everest is conquered - Why, this is lovely! - Im glad you like it And you're so nice that now I wish for your sake you hadnt come My word, what on earth am I in for? Its my beastly family.
I hate them I used to like Grand papa so much And now he's horrid I mean how would you like it if your grandfather brought a loathsome blonde into the house? Well, I dont know.
My grandmother wouldnt have done handsprings, that's for sure Oh, I am sorry.
That was What's more, now they fight amongst themselves about money - You should hear them - My dear child What if he should leave Ancreton to her? instead of to ghastly Cedric or horrible Panty or me? God, old women are so foul Even Mummy is sometimes.
She'll be here on Thursday Well, as the same Cedric would say, "What larks" - But - No, please - Im an outsider and I dont think - That's why I can I dont think you should tell me what you might want to kick yourself for later on Or want to kick me May I know at what time you have dinner? You'll hear the gong Ill say no more but there is badness in this house - You'll see - Fenella You did that very well I suppose it must run in the family Hello, puss Alice.
Down the rabbit hole I tell you, it's a miracle I don't go off my chump Do you think it's easy living in this mausoleum with a couple of old crones and a kid that's out The Crazy Gang? You must endeavour to look on the bright side Its a laugh a minute If you really cared about me, you'd put me in a position where I wasn't looked down on Noddy, you owe it to me A girl has her self-respect There's somebody out there.
Its that ghastly child! The drawing room, madam Thank you All alone, Miss Troy? How neglectful we are - Not at all - Do sit Barker will serve sherry once there's a full house Is Siddons to your liking? Siddons? Oh, you mean the room.
Yes, it's absolute - You were saying? - Excuse me The Antient Arte Of The Embalming Of Corpses - Oh, dear - It looks like one of our treasures.
May I? Yes, it is.
No wonder Im sorry? I came in here yesterday just in time to see Sir Henry's lady friend sitting down there rather suddenly with a very pink face I dare say she took it from the library Is it very valuable? If you'll forgive me saying so, I can think of no other reason why it should commend itself to Miss Sonia Orrincourt One is hardly tempted to mention her and books in the same breath Especially one on the art of embalming corpses - Papa's just coming down - Damn - That means Cedric will be late - Afraid so He was still in the bath when I tried to get in Its hardly the way to stay in Father's good graces, is it, Milly? Oh, good! He's not here I came down by the back stairs.
Its known as heading them off at the pass - Good evening, Mr Kentish - Good evening to you, Miss Cairnes What's this, my darling? More mischief? Isnt Mummy to be told? Oh, dear So, this is our distinguished painter I am delighted Delighted I hope you continue to be I believe I shall.
I believe I shall Millamant, my impression was that Cedric had come down to us from town He had an important letter to write - Perhaps he didnt hear the gong - In what room is he? - Garrick, I think - Then he most certainly heard the gong Barker, you may oblige me with a whisky and soda - Oh, Papa.
Er - Dr Maltravers distinctly said - One small glass - Of sherry or wine but not Hold! Enough! Go, Barker, stay me with flagons You see, dear Miss Troy, how an old man departs from his well-ordered ways in your honour Papa, it's too bad of you.
It would serve you right if Oh, my God I adore it when people are pleased to see me Noddy, darling, when the applause quite dies down, Id like a gin and tonic She's wearing Dearest Grand papa, I creep, I grovel Somebody send Barker out at once for sackcloth Great one, tell Cedric he's forgiven Darling Sonia, intercede for me, implore Grand papa Cedric, say nothing - My God! - Cedric! She's wearing Great, Great, Grandmamma Ancred's Russian brooch Nice, isn't it? Im ever so twilled - But - Be quiet, sir! It is time we went in.
Barker, you may serve my whisky and soda in the dining room Dear lady, allow me Noddy? I haven't had my aperi my aperi my drink For that you must blame him who came down late Barker, will you take pity on Miss Orrincourt? A trifling foolish banquet as old Capulet had it Nonetheless, we shall begin Oh, Papa, how dreadful - Who on earth could have - The revolting infant, that's who - Can there be doubt of it? - She deserves a spanking Not to mention disinheriting It shouldnt be allowed.
It weally shouldnt I am grievously displeased So, it has come to this - How sharper than a - I think they call it a raspberry cushion How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child Im sure Panty meant it as a joke - Let the ingrate be brought before me - Papa, she's already in bed If not out on her broomstick We dont really know that it was Panty Oh, we shall know Tomorrow we shall know Er let us now dine Yes, erm well Before we all get on with it, I just happen to have something to say that may cheer us all up A herculean task, I think What say you, Miss Troy? Shall we hear him? Well, yes Right, then Fenella and I are going to be married - Oh, Paul - Criminy Dear heaven So I think that congratulations may be in order Never, never, never, never, never Lear, Act Five, Scene Three Fenella, Paul, how could you? That's torn it I suppose he'll send for old Rattisbon and change his will again - Oh, let him.
Who cares? - Paul, don't dare say such a thing Oh, God.
Underage and first cousins - This is a mother's thanks - Cedric, stop it You too, Pauline.
Fenella, Paul, do you want to turn him against his own family? He's in one of his tantrums, that's all, because we didnt go to him and humbly ask his blessing He's not upset.
Its all an act You ought not to paint him as Macbeth, Miss Troy What he really is bloody old King Lear "How sharper than a serpent's tooth!" And as far as turning against his family is concerned, he's done that already! Ever since he brought that tart into the house! That peroxide gold-digger, 50 years younger than a Fenella, dear Noddy? Cor blimey! What's happened? Noddy? Noddy! Noddy? Noddy, darling, what's happened? - Who on earth? - 20 guesses, dear - What is it? Greasepaint? - In this house? Well, of course it is - Its a carmine stick - I dont think so May I? No, it's oil paint.
Cadmium red The shade is immaterial! My solicitor will be here by lunch time I think everyone was glad to make it an early night.
I know I was Red paint.
Dark crimson I wonder why I was so quick to think it was blood Ive tired you, Im sorry One grows a trifle stiff Well, then we've done enough for today.
At least you have I have been remembering my lines Since 1904, I have assayed the role six times and always do tremendous business It hasn't been an unlucky play for me Oh, yes, Ive heard about the Macbeth superstition One mustn't quote from it Or speak its name.
It is known as the Scottish play Am I to be allowed a glimpse? Well, it's only a kind of synopsis, Im afraid Oh! A clever lady Yes, I have chosen well Well, may you see things well done there Adieu.
Lest our old robes sit easier than our new! Gods benison go with you A spark so for my tinder, then farewell If we do meet again, why, we shall smile If not, why then, this parting was well made What's up? Don't you like it? You have to take off the surplus charcoal otherwise it messes the paints - How long have you been there? - Ages I stayed quiet cos Im not allowed Im Patricia Claudia Ellen Ancred Kentish Well, Ive gathered that You couldnt have gathered that cos they all call me Panty - Are these your paints? - Yes, so hands off Im going to paint with them - Not a hope - If you won't let me, Ill kill you Don't be an ass and leave that a Why, you little You can't smack me.
Im being brought up on a system Are you indeed? Well, here's a shock for your system - Ow! Beast! That hurt - Well, it was meant to - Serves you right if you catch it - Catch what? Didnt they tell you? Ive been sent home from school.
Ive got ringworm - Do you want to see? - No! Now look here, if you promise not to touch my paints, Ill give you a board and some brushes and you can go away and do a proper picture later - When? - After lunch Now! - Well, I want buckets of red.
I like red - I thought you already had some of that I mean the stuff you daubed on the banister outside my bedroom Me? I dont know where your room is Or what was written on your grandfathers looking glass You're not going to tell me it wasn't you that put that awful cushion on his chair? The one that made that revolting noise Really? Why is it I always miss things? It isn't fair I think it was then I realised that something was very wrong Panty was quite capable of telling lies but somehow I knew that she was speaking the truth She hadnt played those idiotic practical jokes But if she hadn't, who had? And why? On the Thursday, as expected, Fenella's mother Jenetta Cairnes arrived - Here comes witch number three - Sorry? Oh, you mean as in the three weird sisters? Not really, no.
There's four of them The one they call Desi hasn't arrived yet.
Desdemona Anyway, Millamant isn't a sister.
She's an in-law So there's witch one, witch two, witch three, wi Aren't you supposed to be painting Noddy? Watercolouring clears my head and Sir Henry isn't up to posing for very long He's poorly, you know.
Can't eat anything stronger than baby food or he's as sick as a - Good morning - Good morning .
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as a dog, as a lady dog! Do you see that for bloody manners? She's as bad as the rest of them.
A load of toffee-nosed Lady Mucks They all hate me Anyone would think I wanted to be stuck in this godforsaken rat hole Stone me, nothing to do and all day to do it in - Are you stuck here? - What else is there? Im delicate Asthma, ever since I was a kid I thought I might go touring with ENSA You know, "Every Night Something Awful!" Except as soon as I opened my mouth to sing, all the boys in the orchestra complained they couldnt hear themselves play So, when Noddy took a you know, interest and asked me down here, I had to pinch myself I mean, you know, it was Christmas, Whitsun and August Bank Holiday rolled into one Mind, whatever I get, Ill have earned it He's the only one of them I feel sorry for I suppose he's a bit, well you know Well, it's all part of life's rich pageant, innit? Do you know he can't sleep nights? He's afraid Noddy's gonna leave all this lot to the kid Panty? I thought she was out of favour Well, she shouldnt go writing on mirrors, should she? Or daubing paint on banisters Did Panty tell you shed done that? Well, did she? Oh, Ive gotta go inside.
All this fresh air And on Friday, the unmarried sister, Desdemona, arrived with Thomas Ancred Des! And on the Saturday, the solicitor, Mr Rattisbon, drove down from town The birthday party was now complete So, very nearly, was Sir Henry's portrait The old party begs to be excused.
He's closeted with Mr Rattisbon Anything I can do? Well Yes, would you stand in for him? Me? Im just touching up the highlights on this cloak Its there.
Would you mind? Mind? Im in seventh heaven Er like this? Shall I be dashing? Oh, Dear Look Would you just try standing on this box? There Now just let the cloak fall naturally Raise your right arm as though there were a dirk in your hand There.
Let me just arrange you Ive never posed before Well, not for a portrait - Tuppence to talk to me - That's it Now then Did you know, the house is simply seething with intrigue? The consensus of opinion is that the birthday boy will choose the opportunity to announce his new will - You're joking - He'll be the star turn.
Top of the bill Are you saying that Sir Henry Oh, please do stay still that Sir Henry would humiliate his family? Oh, yes.
He does it every time - He adores it - Does he change his will often? On average about every two years Its sort of a command performance I say, do give Cedy the teensiest look My very own private view.
Oh, do Well, keep still.
I haven't finished yet Oh, my God its him Its theatre, just like he is Its Shakespeare and it's Macbeth and it's him all in one Im terrified First, Papa will propose the King's health then one of us will propose Papa's Last year Panty was brought in to do it but what with ringworm and practical jokes, she's been scratched so I say, this can't possibly be crayfish.
Milly! Don't blame me.
He insisted They call this rock lobster! Its no more a lobster than I am Its an obscure antipodean shellfish Barker, champagne.
What ails you, man? Milly, you should have put your foot down My foot is bunioned from being put down If one of you lot wants to fetch and carry for that impossible old man, then you're welcome It would make me the happiest woman in England Nonsense, Milly, you thrive on it I gave up the theatre for him.
Its still in my blood I always think that when Gladys Cooper went to Hollywood, she left a gap that you could fill nicely, Milly Thank you, Desi Good looks apart, of course Champagne and hot crayfish.
We shall hear more of this - Is it very bad for him? - Catastrophic After Sir Henry had proposed the royal toast, Thomas Ancred rose, spoke very prettily and, as per tradition, toasted Sir Henry .
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in the time that is to come I shall now ask the company to drink to Papa's continued health - To Papa - To Papa Grand papa To darling Noddy Here's to juice in his tank Beggar that I am, I am even poor in thanks but I thank you There is no audience as near and as dear to an old player of parts than his own kith and kin Bless you Soon, now, we shall, all of us, repair to the theatre, there to see unveiled the fruit of our lovely artist's mighty strivings Hear! Hear! A likeness of myself which, I may say, it is my intention to present to the nation Bravo However, before we feast our eyes, there is that which I would impart I shall be brief.
Forgive me My heart is full.
It is my inestimable pleasure to announce that Miss Sonia Orrincourt has this day done me the immeasurable honour - Oh, no .
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of consenting to be my wife - Oh, Noddy - Oh, my God Me thought I didst hear the groundlings applaud Congratulations, Papa I thank you all.
I am moved And now I come to the reason for the good Mr Rattisbon to grace our festive board Of late I have been treated with disrespect, nay with contumely My goodness has been repaid with the basest insult All of you here do know me All of you know that those who love me not, I do not love It was my intention to request Mr Rattisbon to draw up anew, my last will and testament and yet my having won the heart of Miss Orrincourt has caused a resurgence within this bosom, of the milk of divine forgiveness I have been merciful I will now ask Mr Rattisbon to read the terms of my new will With your kind permission I, Henry Oswald Ancred, Baronet, being of sound mind, do declare this to be my last will and testament, hereby revoking all previous If the new will had been a West End play, it would have run forever It received what they call rave reviews It provided for handsome cash legacies to Millamant and Sir Henry's three daughters Really no-one had cause for complaint the residue of my estate to be divided equally between my son Thomas Ancred, my grandson Cedric Ancred and my fiancee Miss Sonia Orrincourt When the will had been read, we all trooped over to the little theatre for the unveiling To you, dear lady, the place of honour If you will all be seated? - Cedric, my boy - Im ready, Grand papa The moment is nigh An actor may move his audience to laughter or to tears, to terror or to anger, what he must not do is tantalise Hear! Hear! So, let it be now.
The readiness is all House lights, Cedric And, curtain! The paint must still be wet Leave it to me.
There's no harm done No, don't use that.
You'll destroy it.
Here I demand to know the author of this outrage It wasn't Panty.
She's been in bed since seven She's been painting green cows for days, Ive seen her Cow yourself! The medicine she takes makes her sleep like the dead The child couldnt have done it Noddy, did you hear that? That bitch has just called me a cow! I am going to bed You're going to let me be insulted by that I am upset! I am indeed unwell.
Leave me! - I am going alone - He needs looking after.
Excuse me It was sometime during the night that it happened Of course, I didn't stay First, my work was done, and I'd have gone anyway Also, I was an outsider, in what by definition, at any rate, was a house of mourning Yes, I think that's everything.
Thank you, Barker.
You've been most helpful Its been a great pleasure, Miss Troy.
I hope to see you again in the near future - Thank you, Barker.
Goodbye - Goodbye What are you thinking about? Macbeth and the art of the embalmer Who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him? Practical jokes, you say? Defecating cows - Just the one, sir - A book A three centuries old book on embalming and a missing bottle of rat bait All very thin, wouldnt you say? Skeletal Hardly enough to justify going down to Ancreton and muddying the waters - No, sir.
Its just that - Well? There's a lot about Miss Troy I don't yet know, sir, but Im inclined to trust her instincts - Good witness? - Sir? I mean, is she imaginative? Well, naturally, she's an artist and a good one but if you mean impressionable, no Capital! Then with no offence in the wide world, my dear Alleyn, perhaps either you or Miss Troy could account for this - Seen this morning's Times, have you? - Not yet, sir, no Well, according to you, or rather according to Miss Troy, Sir Henry Ancred made a will dividing his estate more or less equally among the family With a share going to this this lady friend of his.
Miss Sonia Orrincourt He made that announcement, yes Then he's been having them on According to the Times, Sonia Orrincourt gets the lot What? Give or take a thousand or so It seems he's done his family in the eye What price equal shares all round now? But it can't be.
At the birthday dinner The lady couldnt have erm misheard? Absolutely not, sir Sir Oh, look here, old chap, I don't see any reason to go haring off down to Ancreton.
He was 75 As far as one can tell, he ate and drank what he shouldn't have done He was warned what would happen and it did.
He conked out Dead and buried is he? And we've no grounds for an autopsy.
So let's leave him lie Not make the family any more distressed than they already are From what Ive heard, sir, they won't be wearing black for too long Actually, I was thinking of the will Come in Forgive the intrusion, sir, but knowing the Chief inspectors business, I thought hed like to know that Mr Thomas Ancred had been in touch There have been letters, sir.
Anonymous, addressed to all members of the family Hinting at foul play, sir When I think of all the misery you've put me through, I feel so infernally indignant, I When in doubt, Mr Fox, always give them a dollop of Charley's Aunt It never fails.
Ah, here we are - Eight of them.
All the same - Thank you Sir Henry Ancred's death was brought about by the person who has received the most benefit from it inspector, you're the oracle.
No envelopes, Mr Ancred? We threw them away.
Sorry But the postmark was Middlehampton.
That's our nearest metropolis And the recipients? They came at breakfast time yesterday.
Let's see Milly got one and Pauline, Jenetta and Desi - Desdemona that is Cedric, Sir Cedric as he is now I mustn't leave him out, nor myself, of course and the young couple Fenella and Paul But not Miss Orrincourt? Sonia No, not Sonia.
That's why for once in their lives the family are in agreement You mean that Miss Orrincourt is the person referred to in the letters? Not half.
What fun Thank you.
Inspector, astonish us Well, the old crystal ball's a bit cloudy this morning, sir Middling good paper out of a notepad From any stationers or maybe the odd corner shop Thank you Mr Ancred, do you subscribe to your family's poor opinion of Miss Orrincourt? Do you mean do I think that she murdered Papa? There, it's been said out loud, that is - I didnt at first but now - Now? Well, I suppose it's time for the Cours de theatre After the letters came, the atmosphere got a bit fraught Sonia said that she would rather die driving in the rain than put up with our loathsomeness a moment longer Of course, when there is a dramatic occasion, you may depend on the Ancreds to rise to it No-one liked to say straight out that Sonia had put poison in Papa's hot drink at bedtime, but it did seem wasteful given that she was out of the house, for us not to search her room I didn't do much searching myself.
I lack curiosity Besides, I wasn't sure what it was we were looking for Cedric As it happened, it was Desi who won the coconut.
She found it Look! And what was she found, Mr Ancred? Hang on.
Yes, I put it out of harm's way Its the rat poison nobody could find See what the lab boys make of this, will you? By the look of it, it hasn't been opened since Madeleine Smith gave arsenic to her boyfriend The Scottish verdict was not proven, sir What an exact fellow you are - Careful - What? - Mr Alleyn? - Ill be with Rattisbon - Dash, Ive missed him - Can I be of help, sir? Well, it occurred to me to ask, in the case of Papa, is there likely to be a well, you know Will they want to go rummaging around in the family vault? - Oh, early days yet, sir.
All in good time - No, what I mean is youd want to look inside him for signs of poisoning Don't you think, sir, we're rushing our fences? No, you dont see what Im driving at.
How could you? How shall I put it? Would it at all matter to you, would it make life that much harder to know that we've had him embalmed? There is no puzzle, Chief inspector Based on rough drafts prepared by Sir Henry, I drew up two separate wills - Two? Extraordinary - Mm, perhaps Or perhaps not in the case of a man who is in two minds Sir Henry was uncertain as to the merits of his immediate family - Are you a gambling man, Chief inspector? - Afraid so Sir Henry hedged his bets One of the wills was signed and witnessed before the dinner I quoted its provisions in front of the family Later that night, he destroyed it - Because of the portrait? - Oh, you know about that The flying cow, yes.
Childish, you would agree And yet when he sent for me later that night, I found him greatly perturbed He burned the will, the first will, there and then Then, at his insistence, I sent the butler to fetch a Mr and Mrs Candy Candy is one of the under gardeners and they were witnesses to the second will Which left all to Miss Orrincourt? The young ladys name is Hawkes, Chief inspector, Miss Gladys Hawkes - Really? - Yes, these gilded creatures Mind, I think we can agree that Orrincourt does have more resonance to it? Er no, not quite all There were other minor bequests.
Very minor - You mean, hardly worth - Just so Hardly worth mentioning That is what you were going to say, Chief inspector? - Look here, Im sorry - Done something, have you? I mean that you should be part of all this, even as a bystander Well, thanks for saying it Did I mention that I don't think people ought to hang other people? Are you sure? I have a feeling I would have remembered Well, with that out of the way, Im happy to say that Im not the policeman, you are You wash your hands of it How like a woman It was you in the first place who put the cat among the pigeons - What's so funny? - The thought of you at Ancreton It is you, my dear Chief inspector, who's going to be the pigeon among the cats Do you see what I see? No, I can't say that I do - I think I do - Shall we erm Oh, yes, why don't we? Heads Heads it is.
In you go.
I love to see an artist at work Good afternoon, sir.
May I be of service, sir? I do hope so I was wondering whether you have anything that would cheer up a little girl who's been a bit poorly Well now A proper little limb, she is Says she wants to play a joke on a Dr Maltravers A joke? Oh, he won't like that - Won't he? - No.
He's not one for jokes Well, I just now noticed those raspberry cushions in your window Oh, he really won't like that They're a bit rude, you know But isn't it a small world? Would you believe, I sold one of these not two weeks ago and that was for a little girl who wasn't well Get away! This one's for a child up at the big house Do you mean Ancreton? So was the other Now, if it's for her, Panty, they call her, and she is a limb, you're right there well, I Im afraid she already has one Oh, dear dear.
What a vexation Still, never mind, what I always say is a kiddie can't have too many raspberry cushions Ill take it anyway Hold on half a tick.
Young Panty's confined to barracks You're not telling me the young tinker sneaked out, came here and bought it for herself? - Lord love you, no, sir - No? No.
Her auntie bought it - Her auntie? - That's right.
Her new auntie You must be Panty cos that's what's written there Who was Carabas? Was he your kitten? He wasn't a kitten, he was a cat He was Noddy's cat, only he loved me better than Noddy He loved me better than anyone I was his friend and I didnt give him the ringworms.
I hate Aunt Milly I hate all of them cos they say I killed Carabas with ringworm - Ill bet you never did - I might give you the ringworm You do that and Ill give you my gum boil Well, I want to play a game now Perhaps youd like to stay here and play with inspector Fox? Can he play Happy Families? Play it? He invented it - Carry on, inspector - Oh, yes.
Why don't we? Let's Thank you Thank you, no Oh, wait, are they making those again? Yes, I think I shall My Uncle Thomas brings bickies at weekends He says you have to know where to look Sir Cedric, that holds good for more than just biscuits Oh, dear.
Have I cast a gloom? Please don't think Im here to look into anything other than those anonymous letters - Is that a crime? - It might be a breach of the peace Peace in this house? Would anyone mind a question or two? Not at all On the evening of his birthday party, Sir Henry appears to have done himself rather too well at dinner - Aren't we the know-it-all? - He over indulged He ate tinned crayfish and drank champagne, both of which are expressly forbidden And later on? After dinner, you mean? He took medicine for his indigestion And there was always a hot drink either at bedtime or if he woke during the night - A hot drink.
Prepared by whom? - By Milly - You did it, didnt you, Milly? - No, Jenny, I did not Since my husbands death, I kept house for my father-in-law A task, I may say, which was as arduous as my thanks for it were small She's off I liked Papa.
He could make one's life miserable but there were certain small labours which I did not begrudge and yes I prepared his hot drink But of late, with Papa's consent, a certain person usurped that duty, as if by Divine right - Do you mean Miss Orrincourt? - Milly, you never said I hope I have my pride But it was Miss Orrincourt who prepared the hot drink that evening? Oh, for that you must ask Barker Yes, madam, Miss Orrincourt heated the drink and I took it to Sir Henry's room in a Thermos and set it by his bed He refused to take it then and there.
He was, if Sir Cedric will forgive me .
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in rather a whack, sir And the medicine for his indigestion? Oh, he didnt need any persuading to take that, sir The pain raged at him something awful The milk of magnesia was kept by the bed, sir, like like the Thermos Oh, God.
Barker, must you blub? I got him into his pyjamas and gown, sir Like I was saying, he wouldnt touch his drink He was carrying on, shouting at me .
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saying as how I was to fetch Mr Rattisbon er he's the solicitor, sir Yes Barker, could you just tell me once again? What was on this table? There was the indigestion medicine, sir, there was the grog tray There was the Thermos with his hot drink, a cup and saucer Oh, and a spoon for the medicine, sir Thank you.
And, of course, these have all since been washed? Washed and used again, sir.
It was all spilt The medicine, the Thermos, the lot It was a shocking mess, sir He put some of his drink into the saucer for the cat, sir - The cat Carabas? - Oh, yes, sir But the cup and the flask and the medicine bottle was all overturned We had to go at it with the carbolic Thank you Barker, what's this? It was in the old gentleman's hand when we found him, sir When I found him Its the bell push, sir We had to prise open his fingers In his distress, sir, he must have pulled it away from the wire Did you unscrew it in any way? - Its as I found it, sir - Thank you Do you know, Barker, I think I need not trouble you any further Im obliged Very good, sir Oh, Damn Who are you and what the bloody hell are you doing here? At the moment, sir, Im playing Happy Families Would you oblige me with Mrs Snip the tailor's wife? No, you forgot to say please again so it's my turn And I don't seem to be having much luck Sir, I am asking, politely, I trust, what your business is with my patient - Are you a journalist? - Me? Oh, bless your heart no, sir.
Im from Scotland Yard - From - And I imagine that you're Dr Maltravers What a happy meeting.
Chief inspector Alleyn will be pleased Very well.
So the second will was signed in this room Now, after Mr Rattisbon had left, what then? What do you mean what then? I gave Noddy his hot drink and I kissed him nighty-night And left? And left Did he drink his hot milk while you were with him? - Drank it and liked it - And what about his medicine? And the medicine.
People seem to think Ive got no feelings.
Well, I have He was sweet and now he's gone and the money won't ever make up for that Now Ive got no-one He died cos he was sick and the police have no call to go buzzing round asking questions Well, you've been very frank with me, Miss Orrincourt Ive been frank because Ive got nothing to hide And I intend to be equally frank with you One of the reasons Im here is because of the practical jokes you played upon Sir Henry I need hardly ask why You wanted the blame to fall upon the child Panty, isn't that so? I knew it.
He told you Well, it serves me right I thought I had one friend in this crazy gang Just goes to show you what a fool I was I suppose you must mean Sir Cedric Ancred Sir Cedric, the baronet Or should I say the baroness? That insect, that worm! God, he's worse than the bloody women! Well, I got the laugh on him and the money What's he got? Here, let me tell you about him Imagine him sitting up there all hours, making a new will, disinheriting his own flesh and blood Well, I understand that both those wills were drawn up in advance of that evening Do you know, I think we have a good case for proving he was got at - By Miss Orrincourt, do you mean? - Yes By that What is it, Desi? Sometimes, Chief inspector, death comes not as an enemy but as a friend By day they talk and think of money, by night they dream of it But for what you might call murder .
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there is a stronger motive than greed There's love That's why I did what needed to be done Do you think I could bear to see my darling crippled and in constant pain? What kind of woman do you take me for? Was I to look on and and see him in the prison of his maimed body? Oh, God, but I loathe aeroplanes Do you mean it was an accident? The others, his devoted family .
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they wanted him dead that they might inherit But I I wanted him at peace That's why I did it But Im glad, do you hear me? Glad, glad, glad! You will, of course, wish me to accompany you, Chief inspector There are goodbyes to be said.
May I crave five minutes? I shall return you have my word Did you ever hear of The Dark Of The Sun, Chief inspector? Very Somerset Maughamish It was supposed to open earlier this year at the Duchess but the backers got cold feet Poor Desdemona, she's been dying to make that Act Three speech ever since - Soda? - No Sir Henry suffered from ulcers and degeneration of the heart He had eaten a disastrous meal, had drunk champagne and flown into one of his rages I diagnosed a gastric attack culminating in cardiac failure - I hold to that - A tin of rat poison has been found - Piffle! - In Miss Orrincourt's room Double piffle! - Im inclined to agree - All that family has a down on her with cause, I admit but You agree? The tin had not been opened in weeks, months perhaps - Game, set and match - Not necessarily There could be poison elsewhere at Ancreton There speaks the born pessimist or do I mean optimist? With respect, sir, triple piffle Now, if you'll excuse me, I have one patient who is still above ground in this damn booby hatch To be sure.
How goes the ringworm? On the mend, sir Its slow and it's stubborn but thallium does the trick, give it time Her hair is falling out nicely - Her hair is? - It is a depilatory, you know Is it? Poor child.
No wonder she's so foul tempered Doctor? Thallium is also a sedative, is it not? The flower room may seem a strange place to keep medicine I wanted it out of the reach of little fingers Panty Patricia is simply into everything! There are two bottles.
The one that's nearly empty and the one that hasn't been opened Ive got them Er hold it steady.
Would you mind, sir? - Thank you - Well done Both labelled "poison" Naturally, since that is what it is The dosage is a minute amount taken in water I use an eye dropper And as you can see, the chemist's seal on the one is as yet unbroken It is undoubtedly sealed Mrs Kentish, oblige me Would it be possible for someone to have removed some of Panty's medicine without your knowledge? Oh, no.
I would have noticed Even if they had diluted what was left with water? What a peculiar idea - Chief inspector, what are you driving at? - I? Nothing at all, I assure you I am the least suspicious person in the world Well, in the CID at any rate.
Ask inspector Fox Fox? Its peat mould from the flower pots So it is, ma'am Mrs Kentish, may I hang onto this one? Ill happily return the empty - Chief inspector, this is - Quadruple piffle? Im sure it is Telephone from the inn.
You better make sure you're not overheard I think we'll conduct the second exhumation ourselves Do a second? Carabas the cat Off you go.
Ill walk.
Itll do me good By the way, was it peat mould you put in your pocket in the flower room? No, sir.
Bits of sealing wax Fox by name Well Well, that is the end Curtain down and house lights up Goodbye, Miss Sonia Orrincourt, RIP RIP? Would that be a threat, sir? What? I mean that I wash my hands of little miss third row of the chorus Talk about the sneak of St Hilda's As a matter of fact, Sir Cedric, Miss Orrincourt seemed to think that you were the one who had sneaked on her Im sure You and she conspired You wanted the child, Panty, to be cut out of your grandfathers will and so you perpetrated those jokes.
The what-d'you-call-it The raspberry cushion, the writing on the mirror, the vandalized painting Oh, send us to the pokey, oh, do But you outsmarted yourselves, Sir Cedric Panty's medicine was a soporific The poor child was fast asleep and couldn't have interfered with the portrait So it had to be one of the grown-ups Sir Henry realised this In a temper he tore up the first will and signed the second And it will be contested I can assure you of that, Chief inspector We shall plead that the woman exerted improper influence But, Cedric Those appalling jokes.
You and that woman consorting He was going to leave it all to the little brat Mummy, dont scold.
What else could I do? God, Cedric you're a fool It was murder, of course, the bell push was proof of that A screw had been undone so that it simply came away from the flex when Sir Henry had tried to summon help And all the evidence was rather clumsily rigged to point to Sonia Orrincourt She's hardly a mental giant but she does have a gift for self-preservation She was Noddy's favourite, see? Only Sir Cedric wanted the lot, he did So .
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we came to an understanding - You bought the raspberry cushion - Yeah You should have seen their faces She was hardly likely to risk the gallows by murdering an old man, who would, in any case, soon die There was the arsenic in her bedroom, there were the anonymous letters, the murderer sent those, of course.
Everyone received a letter except Sonia Orrincourt And there was that ancient book that so conveniently kept popping up According to which, the art of embalming involves the use of arsenic So, however the old man may actually have died, traces of that poison would have been found in the remains One more strand in the rope that would hang Sonia Orrincourt Alas for our murderer, the book is three centuries old and the world and the art of embalming has moved on Messrs Mortimer and Loame, funeral directors inform me that nowadays arsenic is never used, at least by them Do I really have to? Im afraid so.
It won't take a moment Mr Thomas Ancred, do you identify this as the body of your late father? He looks quite peaceful, don't you think? Good lord - All done, sir? - All done Oh, yes, sir.
Its Carabas - So what was the verdict? - Well, we'll know by tomorrow morning He was lying there bald as a coot - Snap - Snap? Yes, so was the cat - Oh, good morning, sir - Good morning, Breir - Is that it, then? - Yes Surely the Yard never sleeps Its as we suspected, there never was any arsenic.
That was just a crude ploy to - implicate Sonia Orrincourt? - Exactly Our murderers par for the course.
A mixture of cack-handed ness and dead cunning In dilute form, thallium acetate is a medicine, Panty's medicine But taken neat, it's deadly poison so break open the seal on the unused bottle and pour a lethal dose into the old man's milk of magnesia And then top the medicine bottle up with water and reseal it Neat thallium.
No wonder Sir Henry's hair fell out And the cat Carabas Probably lapped it up when the bottle was overturned Imagine a hairless cat walking about to give the game away! But what I want to know is why anyone would want to kill the old man It could hardly have been from greed Hed announced the terms of a will that provided for everyone around that table - No exceptions, fair dues for all - Except for Rattisbon Now wait a minute Er yes, yes, miss.
Er well, Ill just go and see - Chief inspector Alleyn.
Who is it, please? - There's something I left out That evening you came to dinner, I tried to tell you the whole story but Im one of these people that hates to cross every T and dot every I I suppose that's why I paint, not take photographs Its probably not important but if it is, you'll kill me and for the sake of completeness Troy.
Troy.
Slow down.
Now, what is it? It was something Sir Henry said The shade is immaterial! My solicitor will be here by lunch time First the child goes tampering with my papers, and now this! Tampering with my papers.
Is that important? Yes, it is important.
Bless you Bye - Sonia Orrincourt - What's that? She's going to do it again Miss? Miss? Id like Ancreton 5, please, it's urgent - Im sorry, it's engaged - Is it? Damn! I don't care what kind of car it is as long as it doesn't have a bloody horse pulling it - Ancreton Hall, is it? - Yes, Ancreton Hall.
Miss Orrincourt And which station would you like? Any station.
I don't care, just get me there! Oh, Barker There's a rumor going round that we won the war If that's true, how can one possibly account for a sausage that looks like this? - Perhaps it's Hitler's secret weapon - Cedric, you're a caution Sir Caution, if you don't mind, dear Beg your pardon, madam, but Miss Orrincourt asks if she might have a word Miss Orrincourt? Yes, madam.
She's taking breakfast on the west terrace Barker, are you saying that she expects me to go to her? If I may say so, madam, Miss Orrincourt is about to leave She's asked me to have her bags taken down She's leaving? Do you mean the barnacle is letting go? Well, what I say is good riddance Well, we have all been rather beastly to her, haven't we? Paul, darling, the woman's a horror If at last we are to see the back of her, then I am utterly at her beck and call - The west terrace, you say? - Yes, madam - Give her what for, Milly - I shall What a lovely day this is going to be I knew youd be having breakfast so I asked the girl to bring an extra cup Do you wanna sit down? Thank you.
How can one resist being invited to take a seat in one's own home? I asked to see you before I left because you're the worst of them - I mean, you hate me the most - Hate you? - My dear girl, I don't hate anyone - Yes, you do And I wanted to say that if you lot had been halfway decent to me, Id have gone shares Cross my heart.
I like money, who doesn't? Its an hard life for a girl on her own but what I always say is, enough is enough Im not greedy Only I won't be treated like I was dirt under people's feet Ive got my feelings I know you have.
That's why my father-in-law is dead Yes, we know only too well about the sort of feelings you have Miss Orrincourt, where is she? I think that car was the police.
If so, you've left it too late to run - You've been found out - No I haven't, cos Ive done nothing Im as innocent as the flowers that bloom in the spring-tra-la Do you know, you ought to be grateful to me.
I could have married your Cedric Its a fact.
He'd have done anything for the money.
He'd have even got married Can you imagine what sort of a husband hed make? But no No, I wouldnt do that to you Maybe I am a bad lot but Im not so bad as Id marry him You needn't contest the will because if you do, Ill fight and when I do I usually - You're just in time, Chief inspector - Glad to hear it, Mrs Ancred - Please don't drink from that cup - Why on earth shouldnt I? Oh, no, Mrs Ancred, I was talking to Miss Orrincourt Ill just take that, miss Barker told me Miss Orrincourt was leaving So, what was your little scenario? Trapped murderess commits suicide? Something like that You'll be all right now, miss Good old Troy.
She held the key without knowing it Someone, Sir Henry told her, had been tampering with his papers What if those papers happened to be the rough drafts of the two wills? And if so, who was more likely to see them than Millamant Ancred? Well, now you see, she knows.
There are two wills She knows the contents of both of them and she knows that Sir Henry intends to announce the terms of only one of them So, she sees a chance, once and for all, to put an end to the old man's shilly-shallying She orders crayfish for the birthday feast and in case that and the champagne don't do the trick, she gives them a helping hand She spikes the old man's milk of magnesia with a lethal dose of thallium Then she pours out an extra helping just in case In case of what? In case the old man announces will number two The one that leaves the whole kit and caboodle to Sonia If he had, Miss Orrincourt would never have lived to collect She nearly didnt That's the trouble with women when they take up poison They never know when to stop Especially in the case of a woman who pretends to be the most common-sensical of mothers But whose son is in fact the adored be-all and end-all of her life She gave up everything for that little twerp She abandoned her acting career and she became a sort of unpaid housekeeper to Sir Henry, a drudge, and all so that Cedric might inherit Its all right.
Its all right When Sir Henry signed the second will late that night, the beloved Cedric was out in the cold, and the hated Sonia was in the warm When Miss Orrincourt announced her decision to leave today, well, that was Millamant's last chance Well, it's the cat that I feel sorry for - Cheerio, lads - Cheerio Bye now - Good afternoon - Good afternoon I realise we've missed lunch but if there's anything you can do for us, wed be extremely grateful Matter of fact, you're in luck A lady came in not half an hour ago We took pity on her and there's what's left of a leg of mutton.
Enough for two Sir, you're a prince among men Do you know, Breir, if ever I marry a wife, Ill marry a landlords daughter - Shakespeare again, sir - Lamb, actually For then I may sit in the bar and drink cold brandy and water - Troy! - Well, you didnt even tell me who did it
Have you anyone waiting? - Well not down there - I wish I had Its all my own fault No sooner in old Blighty than Im off again A regular globetrotter Ah, well, back to what's the word? Austerity - I thought Id gotten away from it forever - Hard luck I say, is that your lot? First Officer's compliments, sir You and Mr Trumper can disembark by B deck gangway, starboard side Thank you I thought you might like a paper - The pilot brings them - Thanks Well, let's see if there's any good news for a change - Oh, old Ancred has bought it - Who? Sir Henry Ancred.
When I was a kid, I was dragged off to see him in Othello Or Macbeth, was it? One of those johnnies Talk about boring.
Died on his birthday, it seems Really? The occasion was marked by the unveiling of his portrait commissioned from Miss Agatha Troy, RA May I see that, please? Rotten luck Well, it seems as though you'll just have to wait until you've gone ashore Damn! I say, that's a real Panama Oh, well, I suppose I wouldnt be wearing it again for a year or two I think you can count on that at least Time to go ashore, Mr Trumper Oh, yes? - Back so soon, then? - Its been two months Has it? Well, I never Is that for me? - Flowers have a tendency to wilt - I haven't seen one of those in years Perhaps Ill use it for a still life I wouldnt have minded a bank robber .
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or even a murderer, a strangler, say, or one of those hen-pecked little fellows who's seen his wife off with an axe Con men are the lower depths, they ooze what they think is charm and it's endless Day and night lay it on with a trowel From Cape Town, was it? - Excuse me? - What? Oh, I just thought that after telling me all about your adventures in India South Africa that youd condescended to ask what Id been doing for the past whatever it was - I know what you've been doing - Really? Clever you, then You've been painting that old actor Ancred who's upped and died - My God - What's the matter? - Do you know everything? - One reads the Times Ive been trying to what's that awful expression? Get up a head of steam to tell you about it - What's the matter? - Rory, Im not scatterbrained, am I? No, dont laugh.
The old man's dead They all said it was the crayfish but what about the red paint on the banister? Or that horrid little book about how to embalm a corpse? If it comes down to it, what happened to the arsenic? Oh, look, I am making sense.
inside my head I know I am Its simply that Im no good at telling a story But you're going to I knew it was all a mistake when I couldn't enjoy my sandwiches And Id given myself a treat, smoked salmon Please dont think Im seething with sinister intent I mean, there's no need to swing from the communication cord He had only to open his mouth and swinging from the communication cord was the last thing one had in mind But no, that's not where it begins You were asked to paint a portrait Yes.
Yes, that's right.
Aren't you clever? I was written to by Sir Henry's daughter-in-law who keeps house for him, Millamant Millamant? She was Mildred but the old man re-christened her They once played together in The Way Of The World Well, anyway, I didnt want to do the portrait so I told them no The next thing I knew, Thomas Ancred was on my doorstep He's the younger son.
He produces And so you said yes I said yes to dinner.
It was at the Oleander The food there is black market Troy We dont, all of us, go on paid holidays to South Africa And I still said no But why? A portrait of Sir Henry as Macbeth, six feet by four, to be completed in just over a week Mr Ancred, contrary to what you have apparently heard, I am not a house painter - Dear lady - Sorry You see, it's Papa's 75th and he was so in hopes that the nation would honour him with a portrait Alas, the nation has dragged its collective feet and so Papa, being the trooper that he is, has decided to honour himself - Money really is no object - Not interested Oh, come now, what's a week? And I assure you, you'll loathe our family No I beg your pardon? Ill do what? Taken en masse, they can be quite revolting Its why I prefer to live in London Of course, working hammer and tongs, you won't see much of them Mr Ancred, hammer and tongs isn't ever how I like to work and I don't paint to order or with a time limit or six feet by four As to money being no object, how lovely, but this week I find Im unexpectedly solvent So you can be as charming as you undoubtedly Thank you Which, I imagine, is how you came to be on the train Im Cedric Ancred I find it so exciting that you're going to do a picture of Grand papa in all his tats and bobs - Sir Henry is your - Yes, sordid, isn't it? Mummy is Millamant who looks after him and Daddy, only promise you won't tell, was Henry Irving Ancred - I paint too - Do you? - How nice - Not like you.
I design things Of course it's all grim nowadays but we keep on toddling Oh, God, you were reading and I stopped you Its not important It is a sin against the Holy Ghost - What utter nonsense - You tell me so Pardon me, Penelope Do you er Design at all for the theatre? How sweet of you to take an interest.
Yes, when one is given employment, which, with a word from the grand old man, would be all the year round Only in my case, the grand old man chooses never to speak Talk about blood being thicker than water Oh, my God.
Don't look What is it? I can't bear it.
Every time I see it, it gets uglier - Does it? - There God, the enduring horror of it Castle Despair I say, I spy with my little eye Ancreds by the dozen Greetings, you two This is my cousin, Fenella Cairnes Hello And the warrior bold is another cousin, Paul Kentish - Hello - Miss Agatha Troy You've really come.
We can hardly believe it Grandfather is ten years younger Whereas I am ageing by the minute.
Do say you've brought the car Only the governess cart, Cedric.
Have you brought much luggage? Oh, so you have.
Well, the luggage can go in the cart and we can I refuse to walk! Slowly, you brute.
You'll have us all over! Are you mad? You You animal! Slowly, I say! Of course the clan will gather for the great day Mummy will be there but Daddys touring in the Middle East Touring? Do you mean with the army? - No, he's in "Hay Fever" - In the desert? And there's my mother who's already here Not to mention Aunt Desdemona who's never married but dies for love at least once a year - Three sisters - A good subject for a play Not bad What is it? A horrible child has just pulled a face at me - Oh, that will be my young sister - Oh, Im terribly sorry Don't be.
She is a horror - Name of Panty - Oh, yes? What a charming name! Cos the little blister's knickers were always falling down! In a way, Im the black sheep of the family Because I hate the theatre.
I want nothing to do with it No, what Id really like is to go into the police But of course with this gammy leg of mine, that'll be pie in the sky I have a friend at Scotland Yard Im sure hed be only too glad to talk to you - Well, that was kind of you - He's a sweet boy When you go down to Ancreton, you and he When I what? I mean, if.
If Pauline Kentish, Paul's mother, that is, had been in a great many of the kind of plays where people come in and go out through French windows Hello! You've come to paint Father, haven't you? How do you do? - How do you do? - We're all agog Paul, darling, there you are I hope you haven't walked from the station, not with your poor leg Now, dont lie.
Cedric has told me all Fenella, dear, why did you let him? Mother, walking is good for me When I left the hospital, I was told Such a brave old boy.
So courageous, Miss Troy A King Harry home from Agincourt Forgive a mother's tears We Ancred's cannot always hide what is within Drinks are being served in the great hall There you are.
Come and have a stirrup cup God, Im done in That damn pony ought to be put down Cedric, sit up straight.
You're not a child Miss Troy? Im Millamant Ancred.
How do you do? - How do you do? - Milly is my mama My father-in-law looks forward to meeting you He hopes you had a pleasant journey - And all that rot - Do sit down Thank you - Fruit cup, madam? - Oh, lovely Milly, where are you putting Miss Troy? In Bernhardt or Siddons? Grand papa named the bedrooms after actresses - Why not in Bracegirdle? - Out of the question The ceiling leaks and there are rats Until Barker finds the poison he mislaid, Bracegirdle is out of bounds Miss Troy will do very nicely in Siddons We could always move darling Sonia into Bracegirdle - What larks! - Be quiet, Cedric Fen, my poppet, Paul, haven't either of you told Miss Troy about Sonia? - Is she one of the family? - No, but shed like to be Cedric, you are impossible Sonia is the old party's protege Oh, yes? Or if I may resort to ye olde English, she's his bit of naughty Cedric, you're disgusting Thank you, Fenella, but I believe chastisement is a mother's privilege We all loathe her Am I in time for fruit cup? Oh, say it's not all gone Sonia simply must have a drinky Darling! Cedric! You've come down for Noddy's birthday! This is only base camp.
From here on, the ascent begins - Alpenstocks at the ready - Something like that Im afraid Barker's put your painting gear upstairs in your room Ill have him move it to the theatre first thing The theatre? Is there one? Well, it's not exactly Drury Lane but you'll find that Grand papa does nothing by halves You'll have Macbeth scenery, the blasted heath and all that and if Paul's sister, young Panty, can be made to pose, you'll even have the bloody child and there's proper lighting - Oh, Lord, I need daylight - Oh.
Will a window suffice? We spare no expense Everest is conquered - Why, this is lovely! - Im glad you like it And you're so nice that now I wish for your sake you hadnt come My word, what on earth am I in for? Its my beastly family.
I hate them I used to like Grand papa so much And now he's horrid I mean how would you like it if your grandfather brought a loathsome blonde into the house? Well, I dont know.
My grandmother wouldnt have done handsprings, that's for sure Oh, I am sorry.
That was What's more, now they fight amongst themselves about money - You should hear them - My dear child What if he should leave Ancreton to her? instead of to ghastly Cedric or horrible Panty or me? God, old women are so foul Even Mummy is sometimes.
She'll be here on Thursday Well, as the same Cedric would say, "What larks" - But - No, please - Im an outsider and I dont think - That's why I can I dont think you should tell me what you might want to kick yourself for later on Or want to kick me May I know at what time you have dinner? You'll hear the gong Ill say no more but there is badness in this house - You'll see - Fenella You did that very well I suppose it must run in the family Hello, puss Alice.
Down the rabbit hole I tell you, it's a miracle I don't go off my chump Do you think it's easy living in this mausoleum with a couple of old crones and a kid that's out The Crazy Gang? You must endeavour to look on the bright side Its a laugh a minute If you really cared about me, you'd put me in a position where I wasn't looked down on Noddy, you owe it to me A girl has her self-respect There's somebody out there.
Its that ghastly child! The drawing room, madam Thank you All alone, Miss Troy? How neglectful we are - Not at all - Do sit Barker will serve sherry once there's a full house Is Siddons to your liking? Siddons? Oh, you mean the room.
Yes, it's absolute - You were saying? - Excuse me The Antient Arte Of The Embalming Of Corpses - Oh, dear - It looks like one of our treasures.
May I? Yes, it is.
No wonder Im sorry? I came in here yesterday just in time to see Sir Henry's lady friend sitting down there rather suddenly with a very pink face I dare say she took it from the library Is it very valuable? If you'll forgive me saying so, I can think of no other reason why it should commend itself to Miss Sonia Orrincourt One is hardly tempted to mention her and books in the same breath Especially one on the art of embalming corpses - Papa's just coming down - Damn - That means Cedric will be late - Afraid so He was still in the bath when I tried to get in Its hardly the way to stay in Father's good graces, is it, Milly? Oh, good! He's not here I came down by the back stairs.
Its known as heading them off at the pass - Good evening, Mr Kentish - Good evening to you, Miss Cairnes What's this, my darling? More mischief? Isnt Mummy to be told? Oh, dear So, this is our distinguished painter I am delighted Delighted I hope you continue to be I believe I shall.
I believe I shall Millamant, my impression was that Cedric had come down to us from town He had an important letter to write - Perhaps he didnt hear the gong - In what room is he? - Garrick, I think - Then he most certainly heard the gong Barker, you may oblige me with a whisky and soda - Oh, Papa.
Er - Dr Maltravers distinctly said - One small glass - Of sherry or wine but not Hold! Enough! Go, Barker, stay me with flagons You see, dear Miss Troy, how an old man departs from his well-ordered ways in your honour Papa, it's too bad of you.
It would serve you right if Oh, my God I adore it when people are pleased to see me Noddy, darling, when the applause quite dies down, Id like a gin and tonic She's wearing Dearest Grand papa, I creep, I grovel Somebody send Barker out at once for sackcloth Great one, tell Cedric he's forgiven Darling Sonia, intercede for me, implore Grand papa Cedric, say nothing - My God! - Cedric! She's wearing Great, Great, Grandmamma Ancred's Russian brooch Nice, isn't it? Im ever so twilled - But - Be quiet, sir! It is time we went in.
Barker, you may serve my whisky and soda in the dining room Dear lady, allow me Noddy? I haven't had my aperi my aperi my drink For that you must blame him who came down late Barker, will you take pity on Miss Orrincourt? A trifling foolish banquet as old Capulet had it Nonetheless, we shall begin Oh, Papa, how dreadful - Who on earth could have - The revolting infant, that's who - Can there be doubt of it? - She deserves a spanking Not to mention disinheriting It shouldnt be allowed.
It weally shouldnt I am grievously displeased So, it has come to this - How sharper than a - I think they call it a raspberry cushion How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child Im sure Panty meant it as a joke - Let the ingrate be brought before me - Papa, she's already in bed If not out on her broomstick We dont really know that it was Panty Oh, we shall know Tomorrow we shall know Er let us now dine Yes, erm well Before we all get on with it, I just happen to have something to say that may cheer us all up A herculean task, I think What say you, Miss Troy? Shall we hear him? Well, yes Right, then Fenella and I are going to be married - Oh, Paul - Criminy Dear heaven So I think that congratulations may be in order Never, never, never, never, never Lear, Act Five, Scene Three Fenella, Paul, how could you? That's torn it I suppose he'll send for old Rattisbon and change his will again - Oh, let him.
Who cares? - Paul, don't dare say such a thing Oh, God.
Underage and first cousins - This is a mother's thanks - Cedric, stop it You too, Pauline.
Fenella, Paul, do you want to turn him against his own family? He's in one of his tantrums, that's all, because we didnt go to him and humbly ask his blessing He's not upset.
Its all an act You ought not to paint him as Macbeth, Miss Troy What he really is bloody old King Lear "How sharper than a serpent's tooth!" And as far as turning against his family is concerned, he's done that already! Ever since he brought that tart into the house! That peroxide gold-digger, 50 years younger than a Fenella, dear Noddy? Cor blimey! What's happened? Noddy? Noddy! Noddy? Noddy, darling, what's happened? - Who on earth? - 20 guesses, dear - What is it? Greasepaint? - In this house? Well, of course it is - Its a carmine stick - I dont think so May I? No, it's oil paint.
Cadmium red The shade is immaterial! My solicitor will be here by lunch time I think everyone was glad to make it an early night.
I know I was Red paint.
Dark crimson I wonder why I was so quick to think it was blood Ive tired you, Im sorry One grows a trifle stiff Well, then we've done enough for today.
At least you have I have been remembering my lines Since 1904, I have assayed the role six times and always do tremendous business It hasn't been an unlucky play for me Oh, yes, Ive heard about the Macbeth superstition One mustn't quote from it Or speak its name.
It is known as the Scottish play Am I to be allowed a glimpse? Well, it's only a kind of synopsis, Im afraid Oh! A clever lady Yes, I have chosen well Well, may you see things well done there Adieu.
Lest our old robes sit easier than our new! Gods benison go with you A spark so for my tinder, then farewell If we do meet again, why, we shall smile If not, why then, this parting was well made What's up? Don't you like it? You have to take off the surplus charcoal otherwise it messes the paints - How long have you been there? - Ages I stayed quiet cos Im not allowed Im Patricia Claudia Ellen Ancred Kentish Well, Ive gathered that You couldnt have gathered that cos they all call me Panty - Are these your paints? - Yes, so hands off Im going to paint with them - Not a hope - If you won't let me, Ill kill you Don't be an ass and leave that a Why, you little You can't smack me.
Im being brought up on a system Are you indeed? Well, here's a shock for your system - Ow! Beast! That hurt - Well, it was meant to - Serves you right if you catch it - Catch what? Didnt they tell you? Ive been sent home from school.
Ive got ringworm - Do you want to see? - No! Now look here, if you promise not to touch my paints, Ill give you a board and some brushes and you can go away and do a proper picture later - When? - After lunch Now! - Well, I want buckets of red.
I like red - I thought you already had some of that I mean the stuff you daubed on the banister outside my bedroom Me? I dont know where your room is Or what was written on your grandfathers looking glass You're not going to tell me it wasn't you that put that awful cushion on his chair? The one that made that revolting noise Really? Why is it I always miss things? It isn't fair I think it was then I realised that something was very wrong Panty was quite capable of telling lies but somehow I knew that she was speaking the truth She hadnt played those idiotic practical jokes But if she hadn't, who had? And why? On the Thursday, as expected, Fenella's mother Jenetta Cairnes arrived - Here comes witch number three - Sorry? Oh, you mean as in the three weird sisters? Not really, no.
There's four of them The one they call Desi hasn't arrived yet.
Desdemona Anyway, Millamant isn't a sister.
She's an in-law So there's witch one, witch two, witch three, wi Aren't you supposed to be painting Noddy? Watercolouring clears my head and Sir Henry isn't up to posing for very long He's poorly, you know.
Can't eat anything stronger than baby food or he's as sick as a - Good morning - Good morning .
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as a dog, as a lady dog! Do you see that for bloody manners? She's as bad as the rest of them.
A load of toffee-nosed Lady Mucks They all hate me Anyone would think I wanted to be stuck in this godforsaken rat hole Stone me, nothing to do and all day to do it in - Are you stuck here? - What else is there? Im delicate Asthma, ever since I was a kid I thought I might go touring with ENSA You know, "Every Night Something Awful!" Except as soon as I opened my mouth to sing, all the boys in the orchestra complained they couldnt hear themselves play So, when Noddy took a you know, interest and asked me down here, I had to pinch myself I mean, you know, it was Christmas, Whitsun and August Bank Holiday rolled into one Mind, whatever I get, Ill have earned it He's the only one of them I feel sorry for I suppose he's a bit, well you know Well, it's all part of life's rich pageant, innit? Do you know he can't sleep nights? He's afraid Noddy's gonna leave all this lot to the kid Panty? I thought she was out of favour Well, she shouldnt go writing on mirrors, should she? Or daubing paint on banisters Did Panty tell you shed done that? Well, did she? Oh, Ive gotta go inside.
All this fresh air And on Friday, the unmarried sister, Desdemona, arrived with Thomas Ancred Des! And on the Saturday, the solicitor, Mr Rattisbon, drove down from town The birthday party was now complete So, very nearly, was Sir Henry's portrait The old party begs to be excused.
He's closeted with Mr Rattisbon Anything I can do? Well Yes, would you stand in for him? Me? Im just touching up the highlights on this cloak Its there.
Would you mind? Mind? Im in seventh heaven Er like this? Shall I be dashing? Oh, Dear Look Would you just try standing on this box? There Now just let the cloak fall naturally Raise your right arm as though there were a dirk in your hand There.
Let me just arrange you Ive never posed before Well, not for a portrait - Tuppence to talk to me - That's it Now then Did you know, the house is simply seething with intrigue? The consensus of opinion is that the birthday boy will choose the opportunity to announce his new will - You're joking - He'll be the star turn.
Top of the bill Are you saying that Sir Henry Oh, please do stay still that Sir Henry would humiliate his family? Oh, yes.
He does it every time - He adores it - Does he change his will often? On average about every two years Its sort of a command performance I say, do give Cedy the teensiest look My very own private view.
Oh, do Well, keep still.
I haven't finished yet Oh, my God its him Its theatre, just like he is Its Shakespeare and it's Macbeth and it's him all in one Im terrified First, Papa will propose the King's health then one of us will propose Papa's Last year Panty was brought in to do it but what with ringworm and practical jokes, she's been scratched so I say, this can't possibly be crayfish.
Milly! Don't blame me.
He insisted They call this rock lobster! Its no more a lobster than I am Its an obscure antipodean shellfish Barker, champagne.
What ails you, man? Milly, you should have put your foot down My foot is bunioned from being put down If one of you lot wants to fetch and carry for that impossible old man, then you're welcome It would make me the happiest woman in England Nonsense, Milly, you thrive on it I gave up the theatre for him.
Its still in my blood I always think that when Gladys Cooper went to Hollywood, she left a gap that you could fill nicely, Milly Thank you, Desi Good looks apart, of course Champagne and hot crayfish.
We shall hear more of this - Is it very bad for him? - Catastrophic After Sir Henry had proposed the royal toast, Thomas Ancred rose, spoke very prettily and, as per tradition, toasted Sir Henry .
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in the time that is to come I shall now ask the company to drink to Papa's continued health - To Papa - To Papa Grand papa To darling Noddy Here's to juice in his tank Beggar that I am, I am even poor in thanks but I thank you There is no audience as near and as dear to an old player of parts than his own kith and kin Bless you Soon, now, we shall, all of us, repair to the theatre, there to see unveiled the fruit of our lovely artist's mighty strivings Hear! Hear! A likeness of myself which, I may say, it is my intention to present to the nation Bravo However, before we feast our eyes, there is that which I would impart I shall be brief.
Forgive me My heart is full.
It is my inestimable pleasure to announce that Miss Sonia Orrincourt has this day done me the immeasurable honour - Oh, no .
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of consenting to be my wife - Oh, Noddy - Oh, my God Me thought I didst hear the groundlings applaud Congratulations, Papa I thank you all.
I am moved And now I come to the reason for the good Mr Rattisbon to grace our festive board Of late I have been treated with disrespect, nay with contumely My goodness has been repaid with the basest insult All of you here do know me All of you know that those who love me not, I do not love It was my intention to request Mr Rattisbon to draw up anew, my last will and testament and yet my having won the heart of Miss Orrincourt has caused a resurgence within this bosom, of the milk of divine forgiveness I have been merciful I will now ask Mr Rattisbon to read the terms of my new will With your kind permission I, Henry Oswald Ancred, Baronet, being of sound mind, do declare this to be my last will and testament, hereby revoking all previous If the new will had been a West End play, it would have run forever It received what they call rave reviews It provided for handsome cash legacies to Millamant and Sir Henry's three daughters Really no-one had cause for complaint the residue of my estate to be divided equally between my son Thomas Ancred, my grandson Cedric Ancred and my fiancee Miss Sonia Orrincourt When the will had been read, we all trooped over to the little theatre for the unveiling To you, dear lady, the place of honour If you will all be seated? - Cedric, my boy - Im ready, Grand papa The moment is nigh An actor may move his audience to laughter or to tears, to terror or to anger, what he must not do is tantalise Hear! Hear! So, let it be now.
The readiness is all House lights, Cedric And, curtain! The paint must still be wet Leave it to me.
There's no harm done No, don't use that.
You'll destroy it.
Here I demand to know the author of this outrage It wasn't Panty.
She's been in bed since seven She's been painting green cows for days, Ive seen her Cow yourself! The medicine she takes makes her sleep like the dead The child couldnt have done it Noddy, did you hear that? That bitch has just called me a cow! I am going to bed You're going to let me be insulted by that I am upset! I am indeed unwell.
Leave me! - I am going alone - He needs looking after.
Excuse me It was sometime during the night that it happened Of course, I didn't stay First, my work was done, and I'd have gone anyway Also, I was an outsider, in what by definition, at any rate, was a house of mourning Yes, I think that's everything.
Thank you, Barker.
You've been most helpful Its been a great pleasure, Miss Troy.
I hope to see you again in the near future - Thank you, Barker.
Goodbye - Goodbye What are you thinking about? Macbeth and the art of the embalmer Who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him? Practical jokes, you say? Defecating cows - Just the one, sir - A book A three centuries old book on embalming and a missing bottle of rat bait All very thin, wouldnt you say? Skeletal Hardly enough to justify going down to Ancreton and muddying the waters - No, sir.
Its just that - Well? There's a lot about Miss Troy I don't yet know, sir, but Im inclined to trust her instincts - Good witness? - Sir? I mean, is she imaginative? Well, naturally, she's an artist and a good one but if you mean impressionable, no Capital! Then with no offence in the wide world, my dear Alleyn, perhaps either you or Miss Troy could account for this - Seen this morning's Times, have you? - Not yet, sir, no Well, according to you, or rather according to Miss Troy, Sir Henry Ancred made a will dividing his estate more or less equally among the family With a share going to this this lady friend of his.
Miss Sonia Orrincourt He made that announcement, yes Then he's been having them on According to the Times, Sonia Orrincourt gets the lot What? Give or take a thousand or so It seems he's done his family in the eye What price equal shares all round now? But it can't be.
At the birthday dinner The lady couldnt have erm misheard? Absolutely not, sir Sir Oh, look here, old chap, I don't see any reason to go haring off down to Ancreton.
He was 75 As far as one can tell, he ate and drank what he shouldn't have done He was warned what would happen and it did.
He conked out Dead and buried is he? And we've no grounds for an autopsy.
So let's leave him lie Not make the family any more distressed than they already are From what Ive heard, sir, they won't be wearing black for too long Actually, I was thinking of the will Come in Forgive the intrusion, sir, but knowing the Chief inspectors business, I thought hed like to know that Mr Thomas Ancred had been in touch There have been letters, sir.
Anonymous, addressed to all members of the family Hinting at foul play, sir When I think of all the misery you've put me through, I feel so infernally indignant, I When in doubt, Mr Fox, always give them a dollop of Charley's Aunt It never fails.
Ah, here we are - Eight of them.
All the same - Thank you Sir Henry Ancred's death was brought about by the person who has received the most benefit from it inspector, you're the oracle.
No envelopes, Mr Ancred? We threw them away.
Sorry But the postmark was Middlehampton.
That's our nearest metropolis And the recipients? They came at breakfast time yesterday.
Let's see Milly got one and Pauline, Jenetta and Desi - Desdemona that is Cedric, Sir Cedric as he is now I mustn't leave him out, nor myself, of course and the young couple Fenella and Paul But not Miss Orrincourt? Sonia No, not Sonia.
That's why for once in their lives the family are in agreement You mean that Miss Orrincourt is the person referred to in the letters? Not half.
What fun Thank you.
Inspector, astonish us Well, the old crystal ball's a bit cloudy this morning, sir Middling good paper out of a notepad From any stationers or maybe the odd corner shop Thank you Mr Ancred, do you subscribe to your family's poor opinion of Miss Orrincourt? Do you mean do I think that she murdered Papa? There, it's been said out loud, that is - I didnt at first but now - Now? Well, I suppose it's time for the Cours de theatre After the letters came, the atmosphere got a bit fraught Sonia said that she would rather die driving in the rain than put up with our loathsomeness a moment longer Of course, when there is a dramatic occasion, you may depend on the Ancreds to rise to it No-one liked to say straight out that Sonia had put poison in Papa's hot drink at bedtime, but it did seem wasteful given that she was out of the house, for us not to search her room I didn't do much searching myself.
I lack curiosity Besides, I wasn't sure what it was we were looking for Cedric As it happened, it was Desi who won the coconut.
She found it Look! And what was she found, Mr Ancred? Hang on.
Yes, I put it out of harm's way Its the rat poison nobody could find See what the lab boys make of this, will you? By the look of it, it hasn't been opened since Madeleine Smith gave arsenic to her boyfriend The Scottish verdict was not proven, sir What an exact fellow you are - Careful - What? - Mr Alleyn? - Ill be with Rattisbon - Dash, Ive missed him - Can I be of help, sir? Well, it occurred to me to ask, in the case of Papa, is there likely to be a well, you know Will they want to go rummaging around in the family vault? - Oh, early days yet, sir.
All in good time - No, what I mean is youd want to look inside him for signs of poisoning Don't you think, sir, we're rushing our fences? No, you dont see what Im driving at.
How could you? How shall I put it? Would it at all matter to you, would it make life that much harder to know that we've had him embalmed? There is no puzzle, Chief inspector Based on rough drafts prepared by Sir Henry, I drew up two separate wills - Two? Extraordinary - Mm, perhaps Or perhaps not in the case of a man who is in two minds Sir Henry was uncertain as to the merits of his immediate family - Are you a gambling man, Chief inspector? - Afraid so Sir Henry hedged his bets One of the wills was signed and witnessed before the dinner I quoted its provisions in front of the family Later that night, he destroyed it - Because of the portrait? - Oh, you know about that The flying cow, yes.
Childish, you would agree And yet when he sent for me later that night, I found him greatly perturbed He burned the will, the first will, there and then Then, at his insistence, I sent the butler to fetch a Mr and Mrs Candy Candy is one of the under gardeners and they were witnesses to the second will Which left all to Miss Orrincourt? The young ladys name is Hawkes, Chief inspector, Miss Gladys Hawkes - Really? - Yes, these gilded creatures Mind, I think we can agree that Orrincourt does have more resonance to it? Er no, not quite all There were other minor bequests.
Very minor - You mean, hardly worth - Just so Hardly worth mentioning That is what you were going to say, Chief inspector? - Look here, Im sorry - Done something, have you? I mean that you should be part of all this, even as a bystander Well, thanks for saying it Did I mention that I don't think people ought to hang other people? Are you sure? I have a feeling I would have remembered Well, with that out of the way, Im happy to say that Im not the policeman, you are You wash your hands of it How like a woman It was you in the first place who put the cat among the pigeons - What's so funny? - The thought of you at Ancreton It is you, my dear Chief inspector, who's going to be the pigeon among the cats Do you see what I see? No, I can't say that I do - I think I do - Shall we erm Oh, yes, why don't we? Heads Heads it is.
In you go.
I love to see an artist at work Good afternoon, sir.
May I be of service, sir? I do hope so I was wondering whether you have anything that would cheer up a little girl who's been a bit poorly Well now A proper little limb, she is Says she wants to play a joke on a Dr Maltravers A joke? Oh, he won't like that - Won't he? - No.
He's not one for jokes Well, I just now noticed those raspberry cushions in your window Oh, he really won't like that They're a bit rude, you know But isn't it a small world? Would you believe, I sold one of these not two weeks ago and that was for a little girl who wasn't well Get away! This one's for a child up at the big house Do you mean Ancreton? So was the other Now, if it's for her, Panty, they call her, and she is a limb, you're right there well, I Im afraid she already has one Oh, dear dear.
What a vexation Still, never mind, what I always say is a kiddie can't have too many raspberry cushions Ill take it anyway Hold on half a tick.
Young Panty's confined to barracks You're not telling me the young tinker sneaked out, came here and bought it for herself? - Lord love you, no, sir - No? No.
Her auntie bought it - Her auntie? - That's right.
Her new auntie You must be Panty cos that's what's written there Who was Carabas? Was he your kitten? He wasn't a kitten, he was a cat He was Noddy's cat, only he loved me better than Noddy He loved me better than anyone I was his friend and I didnt give him the ringworms.
I hate Aunt Milly I hate all of them cos they say I killed Carabas with ringworm - Ill bet you never did - I might give you the ringworm You do that and Ill give you my gum boil Well, I want to play a game now Perhaps youd like to stay here and play with inspector Fox? Can he play Happy Families? Play it? He invented it - Carry on, inspector - Oh, yes.
Why don't we? Let's Thank you Thank you, no Oh, wait, are they making those again? Yes, I think I shall My Uncle Thomas brings bickies at weekends He says you have to know where to look Sir Cedric, that holds good for more than just biscuits Oh, dear.
Have I cast a gloom? Please don't think Im here to look into anything other than those anonymous letters - Is that a crime? - It might be a breach of the peace Peace in this house? Would anyone mind a question or two? Not at all On the evening of his birthday party, Sir Henry appears to have done himself rather too well at dinner - Aren't we the know-it-all? - He over indulged He ate tinned crayfish and drank champagne, both of which are expressly forbidden And later on? After dinner, you mean? He took medicine for his indigestion And there was always a hot drink either at bedtime or if he woke during the night - A hot drink.
Prepared by whom? - By Milly - You did it, didnt you, Milly? - No, Jenny, I did not Since my husbands death, I kept house for my father-in-law A task, I may say, which was as arduous as my thanks for it were small She's off I liked Papa.
He could make one's life miserable but there were certain small labours which I did not begrudge and yes I prepared his hot drink But of late, with Papa's consent, a certain person usurped that duty, as if by Divine right - Do you mean Miss Orrincourt? - Milly, you never said I hope I have my pride But it was Miss Orrincourt who prepared the hot drink that evening? Oh, for that you must ask Barker Yes, madam, Miss Orrincourt heated the drink and I took it to Sir Henry's room in a Thermos and set it by his bed He refused to take it then and there.
He was, if Sir Cedric will forgive me .
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in rather a whack, sir And the medicine for his indigestion? Oh, he didnt need any persuading to take that, sir The pain raged at him something awful The milk of magnesia was kept by the bed, sir, like like the Thermos Oh, God.
Barker, must you blub? I got him into his pyjamas and gown, sir Like I was saying, he wouldnt touch his drink He was carrying on, shouting at me .
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saying as how I was to fetch Mr Rattisbon er he's the solicitor, sir Yes Barker, could you just tell me once again? What was on this table? There was the indigestion medicine, sir, there was the grog tray There was the Thermos with his hot drink, a cup and saucer Oh, and a spoon for the medicine, sir Thank you.
And, of course, these have all since been washed? Washed and used again, sir.
It was all spilt The medicine, the Thermos, the lot It was a shocking mess, sir He put some of his drink into the saucer for the cat, sir - The cat Carabas? - Oh, yes, sir But the cup and the flask and the medicine bottle was all overturned We had to go at it with the carbolic Thank you Barker, what's this? It was in the old gentleman's hand when we found him, sir When I found him Its the bell push, sir We had to prise open his fingers In his distress, sir, he must have pulled it away from the wire Did you unscrew it in any way? - Its as I found it, sir - Thank you Do you know, Barker, I think I need not trouble you any further Im obliged Very good, sir Oh, Damn Who are you and what the bloody hell are you doing here? At the moment, sir, Im playing Happy Families Would you oblige me with Mrs Snip the tailor's wife? No, you forgot to say please again so it's my turn And I don't seem to be having much luck Sir, I am asking, politely, I trust, what your business is with my patient - Are you a journalist? - Me? Oh, bless your heart no, sir.
Im from Scotland Yard - From - And I imagine that you're Dr Maltravers What a happy meeting.
Chief inspector Alleyn will be pleased Very well.
So the second will was signed in this room Now, after Mr Rattisbon had left, what then? What do you mean what then? I gave Noddy his hot drink and I kissed him nighty-night And left? And left Did he drink his hot milk while you were with him? - Drank it and liked it - And what about his medicine? And the medicine.
People seem to think Ive got no feelings.
Well, I have He was sweet and now he's gone and the money won't ever make up for that Now Ive got no-one He died cos he was sick and the police have no call to go buzzing round asking questions Well, you've been very frank with me, Miss Orrincourt Ive been frank because Ive got nothing to hide And I intend to be equally frank with you One of the reasons Im here is because of the practical jokes you played upon Sir Henry I need hardly ask why You wanted the blame to fall upon the child Panty, isn't that so? I knew it.
He told you Well, it serves me right I thought I had one friend in this crazy gang Just goes to show you what a fool I was I suppose you must mean Sir Cedric Ancred Sir Cedric, the baronet Or should I say the baroness? That insect, that worm! God, he's worse than the bloody women! Well, I got the laugh on him and the money What's he got? Here, let me tell you about him Imagine him sitting up there all hours, making a new will, disinheriting his own flesh and blood Well, I understand that both those wills were drawn up in advance of that evening Do you know, I think we have a good case for proving he was got at - By Miss Orrincourt, do you mean? - Yes By that What is it, Desi? Sometimes, Chief inspector, death comes not as an enemy but as a friend By day they talk and think of money, by night they dream of it But for what you might call murder .
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there is a stronger motive than greed There's love That's why I did what needed to be done Do you think I could bear to see my darling crippled and in constant pain? What kind of woman do you take me for? Was I to look on and and see him in the prison of his maimed body? Oh, God, but I loathe aeroplanes Do you mean it was an accident? The others, his devoted family .
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they wanted him dead that they might inherit But I I wanted him at peace That's why I did it But Im glad, do you hear me? Glad, glad, glad! You will, of course, wish me to accompany you, Chief inspector There are goodbyes to be said.
May I crave five minutes? I shall return you have my word Did you ever hear of The Dark Of The Sun, Chief inspector? Very Somerset Maughamish It was supposed to open earlier this year at the Duchess but the backers got cold feet Poor Desdemona, she's been dying to make that Act Three speech ever since - Soda? - No Sir Henry suffered from ulcers and degeneration of the heart He had eaten a disastrous meal, had drunk champagne and flown into one of his rages I diagnosed a gastric attack culminating in cardiac failure - I hold to that - A tin of rat poison has been found - Piffle! - In Miss Orrincourt's room Double piffle! - Im inclined to agree - All that family has a down on her with cause, I admit but You agree? The tin had not been opened in weeks, months perhaps - Game, set and match - Not necessarily There could be poison elsewhere at Ancreton There speaks the born pessimist or do I mean optimist? With respect, sir, triple piffle Now, if you'll excuse me, I have one patient who is still above ground in this damn booby hatch To be sure.
How goes the ringworm? On the mend, sir Its slow and it's stubborn but thallium does the trick, give it time Her hair is falling out nicely - Her hair is? - It is a depilatory, you know Is it? Poor child.
No wonder she's so foul tempered Doctor? Thallium is also a sedative, is it not? The flower room may seem a strange place to keep medicine I wanted it out of the reach of little fingers Panty Patricia is simply into everything! There are two bottles.
The one that's nearly empty and the one that hasn't been opened Ive got them Er hold it steady.
Would you mind, sir? - Thank you - Well done Both labelled "poison" Naturally, since that is what it is The dosage is a minute amount taken in water I use an eye dropper And as you can see, the chemist's seal on the one is as yet unbroken It is undoubtedly sealed Mrs Kentish, oblige me Would it be possible for someone to have removed some of Panty's medicine without your knowledge? Oh, no.
I would have noticed Even if they had diluted what was left with water? What a peculiar idea - Chief inspector, what are you driving at? - I? Nothing at all, I assure you I am the least suspicious person in the world Well, in the CID at any rate.
Ask inspector Fox Fox? Its peat mould from the flower pots So it is, ma'am Mrs Kentish, may I hang onto this one? Ill happily return the empty - Chief inspector, this is - Quadruple piffle? Im sure it is Telephone from the inn.
You better make sure you're not overheard I think we'll conduct the second exhumation ourselves Do a second? Carabas the cat Off you go.
Ill walk.
Itll do me good By the way, was it peat mould you put in your pocket in the flower room? No, sir.
Bits of sealing wax Fox by name Well Well, that is the end Curtain down and house lights up Goodbye, Miss Sonia Orrincourt, RIP RIP? Would that be a threat, sir? What? I mean that I wash my hands of little miss third row of the chorus Talk about the sneak of St Hilda's As a matter of fact, Sir Cedric, Miss Orrincourt seemed to think that you were the one who had sneaked on her Im sure You and she conspired You wanted the child, Panty, to be cut out of your grandfathers will and so you perpetrated those jokes.
The what-d'you-call-it The raspberry cushion, the writing on the mirror, the vandalized painting Oh, send us to the pokey, oh, do But you outsmarted yourselves, Sir Cedric Panty's medicine was a soporific The poor child was fast asleep and couldn't have interfered with the portrait So it had to be one of the grown-ups Sir Henry realised this In a temper he tore up the first will and signed the second And it will be contested I can assure you of that, Chief inspector We shall plead that the woman exerted improper influence But, Cedric Those appalling jokes.
You and that woman consorting He was going to leave it all to the little brat Mummy, dont scold.
What else could I do? God, Cedric you're a fool It was murder, of course, the bell push was proof of that A screw had been undone so that it simply came away from the flex when Sir Henry had tried to summon help And all the evidence was rather clumsily rigged to point to Sonia Orrincourt She's hardly a mental giant but she does have a gift for self-preservation She was Noddy's favourite, see? Only Sir Cedric wanted the lot, he did So .
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we came to an understanding - You bought the raspberry cushion - Yeah You should have seen their faces She was hardly likely to risk the gallows by murdering an old man, who would, in any case, soon die There was the arsenic in her bedroom, there were the anonymous letters, the murderer sent those, of course.
Everyone received a letter except Sonia Orrincourt And there was that ancient book that so conveniently kept popping up According to which, the art of embalming involves the use of arsenic So, however the old man may actually have died, traces of that poison would have been found in the remains One more strand in the rope that would hang Sonia Orrincourt Alas for our murderer, the book is three centuries old and the world and the art of embalming has moved on Messrs Mortimer and Loame, funeral directors inform me that nowadays arsenic is never used, at least by them Do I really have to? Im afraid so.
It won't take a moment Mr Thomas Ancred, do you identify this as the body of your late father? He looks quite peaceful, don't you think? Good lord - All done, sir? - All done Oh, yes, sir.
Its Carabas - So what was the verdict? - Well, we'll know by tomorrow morning He was lying there bald as a coot - Snap - Snap? Yes, so was the cat - Oh, good morning, sir - Good morning, Breir - Is that it, then? - Yes Surely the Yard never sleeps Its as we suspected, there never was any arsenic.
That was just a crude ploy to - implicate Sonia Orrincourt? - Exactly Our murderers par for the course.
A mixture of cack-handed ness and dead cunning In dilute form, thallium acetate is a medicine, Panty's medicine But taken neat, it's deadly poison so break open the seal on the unused bottle and pour a lethal dose into the old man's milk of magnesia And then top the medicine bottle up with water and reseal it Neat thallium.
No wonder Sir Henry's hair fell out And the cat Carabas Probably lapped it up when the bottle was overturned Imagine a hairless cat walking about to give the game away! But what I want to know is why anyone would want to kill the old man It could hardly have been from greed Hed announced the terms of a will that provided for everyone around that table - No exceptions, fair dues for all - Except for Rattisbon Now wait a minute Er yes, yes, miss.
Er well, Ill just go and see - Chief inspector Alleyn.
Who is it, please? - There's something I left out That evening you came to dinner, I tried to tell you the whole story but Im one of these people that hates to cross every T and dot every I I suppose that's why I paint, not take photographs Its probably not important but if it is, you'll kill me and for the sake of completeness Troy.
Troy.
Slow down.
Now, what is it? It was something Sir Henry said The shade is immaterial! My solicitor will be here by lunch time First the child goes tampering with my papers, and now this! Tampering with my papers.
Is that important? Yes, it is important.
Bless you Bye - Sonia Orrincourt - What's that? She's going to do it again Miss? Miss? Id like Ancreton 5, please, it's urgent - Im sorry, it's engaged - Is it? Damn! I don't care what kind of car it is as long as it doesn't have a bloody horse pulling it - Ancreton Hall, is it? - Yes, Ancreton Hall.
Miss Orrincourt And which station would you like? Any station.
I don't care, just get me there! Oh, Barker There's a rumor going round that we won the war If that's true, how can one possibly account for a sausage that looks like this? - Perhaps it's Hitler's secret weapon - Cedric, you're a caution Sir Caution, if you don't mind, dear Beg your pardon, madam, but Miss Orrincourt asks if she might have a word Miss Orrincourt? Yes, madam.
She's taking breakfast on the west terrace Barker, are you saying that she expects me to go to her? If I may say so, madam, Miss Orrincourt is about to leave She's asked me to have her bags taken down She's leaving? Do you mean the barnacle is letting go? Well, what I say is good riddance Well, we have all been rather beastly to her, haven't we? Paul, darling, the woman's a horror If at last we are to see the back of her, then I am utterly at her beck and call - The west terrace, you say? - Yes, madam - Give her what for, Milly - I shall What a lovely day this is going to be I knew youd be having breakfast so I asked the girl to bring an extra cup Do you wanna sit down? Thank you.
How can one resist being invited to take a seat in one's own home? I asked to see you before I left because you're the worst of them - I mean, you hate me the most - Hate you? - My dear girl, I don't hate anyone - Yes, you do And I wanted to say that if you lot had been halfway decent to me, Id have gone shares Cross my heart.
I like money, who doesn't? Its an hard life for a girl on her own but what I always say is, enough is enough Im not greedy Only I won't be treated like I was dirt under people's feet Ive got my feelings I know you have.
That's why my father-in-law is dead Yes, we know only too well about the sort of feelings you have Miss Orrincourt, where is she? I think that car was the police.
If so, you've left it too late to run - You've been found out - No I haven't, cos Ive done nothing Im as innocent as the flowers that bloom in the spring-tra-la Do you know, you ought to be grateful to me.
I could have married your Cedric Its a fact.
He'd have done anything for the money.
He'd have even got married Can you imagine what sort of a husband hed make? But no No, I wouldnt do that to you Maybe I am a bad lot but Im not so bad as Id marry him You needn't contest the will because if you do, Ill fight and when I do I usually - You're just in time, Chief inspector - Glad to hear it, Mrs Ancred - Please don't drink from that cup - Why on earth shouldnt I? Oh, no, Mrs Ancred, I was talking to Miss Orrincourt Ill just take that, miss Barker told me Miss Orrincourt was leaving So, what was your little scenario? Trapped murderess commits suicide? Something like that You'll be all right now, miss Good old Troy.
She held the key without knowing it Someone, Sir Henry told her, had been tampering with his papers What if those papers happened to be the rough drafts of the two wills? And if so, who was more likely to see them than Millamant Ancred? Well, now you see, she knows.
There are two wills She knows the contents of both of them and she knows that Sir Henry intends to announce the terms of only one of them So, she sees a chance, once and for all, to put an end to the old man's shilly-shallying She orders crayfish for the birthday feast and in case that and the champagne don't do the trick, she gives them a helping hand She spikes the old man's milk of magnesia with a lethal dose of thallium Then she pours out an extra helping just in case In case of what? In case the old man announces will number two The one that leaves the whole kit and caboodle to Sonia If he had, Miss Orrincourt would never have lived to collect She nearly didnt That's the trouble with women when they take up poison They never know when to stop Especially in the case of a woman who pretends to be the most common-sensical of mothers But whose son is in fact the adored be-all and end-all of her life She gave up everything for that little twerp She abandoned her acting career and she became a sort of unpaid housekeeper to Sir Henry, a drudge, and all so that Cedric might inherit Its all right.
Its all right When Sir Henry signed the second will late that night, the beloved Cedric was out in the cold, and the hated Sonia was in the warm When Miss Orrincourt announced her decision to leave today, well, that was Millamant's last chance Well, it's the cat that I feel sorry for - Cheerio, lads - Cheerio Bye now - Good afternoon - Good afternoon I realise we've missed lunch but if there's anything you can do for us, wed be extremely grateful Matter of fact, you're in luck A lady came in not half an hour ago We took pity on her and there's what's left of a leg of mutton.
Enough for two Sir, you're a prince among men Do you know, Breir, if ever I marry a wife, Ill marry a landlords daughter - Shakespeare again, sir - Lamb, actually For then I may sit in the bar and drink cold brandy and water - Troy! - Well, you didnt even tell me who did it