Almost Heroes (2011) s01e03 Episode Script

Woo! Aggh! Woo! Who's the man with the sword! Hey, Pete.
Can we talk? I don't know.
I'm kind of busy.
I can see that.
Look, uh, I'm worried about you.
You know, you spend all your time in the shop; I think you might be in a rut.
- Unlikely.
- Hey! I know it can be hard to meet people, but I think you're a great guy.
You just need help showing the world, which is where I come in.
Today is your lucky day.
Oh, my God! I got accepted to space camp! Uh, no, for the thousandth time, you're not going to space camp; That's for little kids.
The luckiest little kids in the world.
I'm going to help you get a date.
No thanks.
I already got a date tomorrow night.
Sure you do.
Uh, that's why I'm working out; Women love a strong sword arm.
Wow! You're serious.
That's great.
But - and honestly I mean no offense by this - how is that possible? She enjoys my star wars fan fiction.
We meet up when she's in town on business.
Don't worry though, there won't be much talking.
It's a Booty call? A gentleman never tells.
Let's just say there will be intercourse.
I'm impressed.
And I honestly mean no offense by this, but when's the last time you had a date? Oh, I just I had Um huh.
Now, if you will excuse me, I must go oil my sword.
So Peter has a date tonight.
That's great.
It is.
It really is.
But here's the confusing part: I don't.
So? I haven't had a date in months.
What about that guy you were seeing? Kroft? I just made him up to make myself feel less sad.
Oh, kroft, you shouldn't have.
He's out of your league.
Turned out to have the opposite effect.
How can Peter get more action than me? Could I be losing my mojo? - Bernie? - Ah! I wasn't lost in your eyes.
I don't' know, maybe I'm overreacting.
If anything, you're under-reacting.
What? Really? Think about it.
Last year you were this big time Harvard success.
Now you're stuck here.
The only thing you have left is your mojo.
I don't know about the only thing.
The only thing! Before you know it, you're gonna be watching iSeaquest marathons with your brother.
We did that yesterday! Oh, my God! I totally didn't know that already! You need a woman, Terry.
Any woman.
Maybe even a woman who's Right under your nose.
You're right! How could I be so blind? Rayna, I can't believe I haven't asked you out until now.
No, you ask me out every day.
Several times a day.
In fact, this is the second time in this conversation you've asked me out.
Right, sorry.
Here's your coffee.
Cream, no sugar, because you're hot enough.
That doesn't even make sense.
It doesn't, does it? Something about you throws me off my game.
Is it her vagina? I tell you what, let me make it up to you by taking you and your vagina out for a nice steak dinner.
Do you regret saying that? Instantly.
Speaking of changing the subject That's a nice rabbit's foot.
Oh, thanks.
It's for luck.
When I rub it like this, it makes my wishes come true.
Oh yeah? Oh, look, it's working; This conversation's over.
Well, you handled that with all the grace of a dickless turtle.
What is that supposed to mean? I think he's implying that turtles with no penises would be clumsy.
It's a centre-of-gravity thing.
No, it's a terrible- with-women thing.
You're having worse luck with women than I am with online poker.
You can't call that.
Why don't you just stop playing? Why don't you get chemically sterilized? - Burn! - I mean you too.
Uh, for your information I have a Booty call tomorrow night.
Really? You're not even the coolest guy in your family.
- Double burn! - He meant you too! Nah.
That one was just for you.
Agh! My contacts! Seriously, think about the sterilization thing.
Oh my God.
Peter, I'm blind! I can't see anything.
- Can you see this? - No! All right.
Okay.
Get it all out.
Whenever you're done.
- I think I peed! - Ha, ha.
Very funny.
I'm blind as a bat without my contacts, and I haven't bought new glasses since high school, so So it's getting worse.
What's getting worse? First you strike out, now the glasses.
You remind me of someone.
Oh, I remember! You ten years ago.
But I hate that guy! Yeah, we all hate that guy.
Remember what they called you in high school? Fatty, fatty, no dick? People called me that? Who knows? The point is, fatty, your mojo's gone and there's only one way to get it back.
I'll do anything! Or anyone.
Whoa! It can't just be anyone.
It's gotta be someone you've known for years.
Someone you trust.
Not just some random skank out in the parking lot.
Parking lot skanks! Of course! Ah, shit! Yeah.
I'm almost there.
I just, I just hit a bit of traffic.
Yes, I have the file right here.
Son of a bitch! No, sir, not you.
Oh, come on! Need a hammer? I guess I have no other choice.
Why the heck did you do that? To get into my car.
But your keys are right there.
Well what did you give me the hammer for? I was selling the hammer.
Not that anyone wants it now that it's scratched.
I know why I'm having such rotten luck; My lucky rabbit's foot is gone! You're superstitious? No.
Of course not.
There's no such thing as luck.
I need my rabbit's foot.
I accept your offer! I shall find your rabbit's foot or die trying! No, no, Boyd! No, you don't have to do- and he's gone.
So, you're into golf.
Me too.
There is something sexy about a woman who knows how to drive.
The mall's having a new promotion.
Buy a putter, get a free drink with me.
Ooh, why not? Here, let me give you my card.
Sorry about the glasses.
Ahem.
Um this is just your medical information.
Oh! Wow.
I mean How can it be so different? Why don't we just go some place now.
Someplace with dim lighting and very soft food.
Not too spicy.
Well just have to lock up the shop.
You work at a comic book store? Mm-hm.
Oh.
I just remembered, I forgot to take my nap.
Here, take some hard candies.
Hey! Fatty, fatty, no dick.
Think fast! Oof! Sorry, dude.
I was aiming for your crotch.
You know how funny that can be.
Ten bucks! This is my lucky day.
na: Terry I've been looking everywhere for you.
You have? Why? I want you.
Yeah.
Really? Yeah.
I've lowered my standards.
Me too.
I love how you smell like an old guy.
Maybe we could all do it.
Wow! Hi, Terry! We're just friends! I know, Bernie.
Sorry about that.
Where were we? Never mind.
We want him now! He's a real ladies' man.
I got a mind for business and a body for sin.
Who's slippery like a dirty little monkey? Great, it's a dream.
Nooooo!!! Are you okay? Is that baby oil? Yeah, of course.
I have a date.
The chest isn't gonna oil itself.
Help! Bernie, I need a jacket.
No problem.
Preferably not something a slutty 19-year-old girl would wear.
Problem.
But I can sell you some lovely jeggings.
Enh, never mind.
Can you keep your eyes peeled for a rabbit's foot though? Like the one sports guy has? Who? Dan? Son of a bitch.
Agh! Thank you, contacts.
Hi, Terry.
Notice anything different about me? Your hair? No, it's my new lip gloss - it's made from the venom of a blowfish! It's called "blow yourself.
" Okay.
They say the constant stinging causes nerve damage, but it's worth it for Fuller lips.
So I thought about what you said.
I knew you would.
Time for last resort.
Break in case of emergency.
The Internet! I put up a profile on Unexpected Connections.
What? But emergency.
If you hadn't panicked me, I'd probably have wasted time hitting on every girl in this mall.
Every one? Every single one, but not anymore.
Hey, Terry, you still having a bit of a dry spell? Want some tips from "the sexual ninja"? Is that what you're going with? Tip one: Compliment women on the largeness of their necks.
They love it.
That's not true.
Tip two: Foot massages! Women love to give foot massages.
Feel like you're just making these up.
Tip three: Come up with a great nickname and theme song.
Sexual ninja able to have sex without crying most of the time like a ninja would This woman is real, right? Not made out of potatoes or something? Oh, she's real.
She's freaky.
All right.
She'd kill me if I told you, but she likes to dress up as Yoda and show me the ways of the force.
Yeah.
Do me, or do me not.
There is no cry.
It's pretty hot and disturbing.
That is disturbing.
Well, well, well, look who's got a date! Thank you Internet! And in your face, Peter.
And for the record, you are not a sexual ninja.
Now, I'm gonna go on a normal date with a normal girl.
You can stay here and bang Yoda.
Told him, you did? Call me again you won't.
That was her, wasn't it? She's cute.
Look out! I haven't had sex in almost a year and you chased her away! Peter, please, it was an accident.
Yah! You're about to have an accident! What is going on? I'm about to kill Terry.
He didn't notice your lip gloss either? Oh, he never notices my lip gloss! And he ruined my Booty call.
Settle down! Peter, I wanna make this up to you, I really do.
Ooh.
But, uh Not 'til after my date.
You have a date already? The Internet's amazing.
I didn't even have to post a picture.
So she doesn't know what you look like? You should give her to Peter! She's not a hockey card.
I can't just trade her.
I'll take her! But no! I need this Really badly.
Terry, there are other girls.
Girls who want you.
No one wants Peter.
Thank you! Finally, a little backup.
Then it's settled.
Peter gets your date, and we get to discuss your other options over dinner and wine.
Sorry, Peter.
Get your own girl, this one's mine.
Terry, the choice is simple.
Replace my girl or suffer the super nurple! What?! No.
No way.
You can't.
It's what honor demands.
Damn it! You're right.
Fine.
You can go out with her.
Excellent.
Oh, and Terry The date must go perfectly Or super nurple! What the hell is a super nurple? It's from when we were kids.
You know how you come up with punishments to do to each other, like nunchuck ball.
Or pillowcase burn.
Woo-hoo! Well, the super nurple Was the worst punishment we ever dreamt up.
We never even tried it.
It was too horrible.
Could you stop that? Sorry.
Looking for a rabbit's foot.
Yes! Read 'em and suck it! Welcome to Sportapolooza.
We've got all the balls you can handle.
I've come for what's rightfully mine.
I knew this day would come: Tired of hanging out with tweedledee and tweedle-no dick, decided you're ready for a real man.
All right, I'm in.
Gross.
I'm out.
You sure? I know a bowling alley nearby that has cheap wings, light beer, and a jukebox that only plays country music.
That sounds awful.
Oh, you know "awfuls"? Yeah, it's a great bar.
You stole my rabbit's foot; I want it back.
Wow.
Put a woman in a pantsuit, she thinks she's a lawyer.
It's my lucky rabbit's foot.
No, that's clearly mine.
You have no idea how much I need it.
No.
I need it.
I'm 6 players away from winning a poker tournament that I've been playing for the last 7 hours.
Fine.
Why don't I just give you the money you would have won at poker.
What is it, like twenty bucks? Winner gets $10,000.
Fine.
Thirty.
Take it or leave it.
Wow, a romantic afternoon date! It's like high tea! Don't say that.
Hey, which shirt do you think is gonna be better for a date? Oh, definitely go with neither.
Now, here's how it's gonna work.
You're gonna stay in here with this headset, Bernie and I will be out there on this phone.
If you do what I tell you to do, you say what I tell you to say, it'll be just like Cyrano de Bergerac.
Wait! No, no, I don't think that worked out for my character in the book - or the movie, or any subsequent remake.
Which is exactly why it's due to work now.
This is never gonna work.
It's got as good a chance as any plan where one brother coaches another brother through a headset.
My mojo is gone! I can't even get a girl for me; How am I gonna get a girl for him? It'll be the blind leading the Slightly less handsome blind.
Um you know I can hear you, right? Wait.
She's here.
Oh, this is so unfair! Look at her.
She's hot.
That's my type.
What? What do I say? What do I say? I don't know.
Okay, breathe.
Breathe.
Okay, what does she look like? Does she have a large neck? I've got good lines for large necks.
Are you okay? It's getting worse.
Now I can't even talk to a girl.
What am I gonna do? My, my, my, you have very sensual elbow skin.
Peter, don't worry.
I think I know exactly what a woman wants to hear.
Hi! Hi.
- So good to meet you.
- Yes.
Um, and you're so normal! I was worried that anybody I met online would be a freak.
Yes, I am normal.
Super normal.
I should be on the FBI's most normal list.
I don't have an axe.
- Bernie! - What? Sorry.
I mean, why don't you sit back and relax.
Perhaps you could show me pictures of your cats.
I hope you have more than one.
Ha ha! Kidding! Clearly kidding.
Ignore Bernie! Repeat everything I say and you'll be fine.
Look, I got you flowers.
They pale in comparison to you.
Oh, thank you! Some champagne? Thank you.
The bubbles tickle my nose.
Great adlib, Peter.
Keep it up and she'll be Putty in your hands.
Excuse me? Wait, Peter, you're not literally repeating every word I'm saying, are you? You couldn't possibly be that stupid.
Oh, you're funny.
Phew! Good save, Peter.
Oh.
My.
God! Hey, is Bernie here? Let me check.
Free hot dogs! Yeah, not here.
Yeah, thanks.
So did you get your rabbit's foot? No.
Dan said it was his.
So you're just gonna give up? Well, what can I do? Oh, I get it.
You're just one of those people who pretends to be successful and confident by wearing a pantsuit.
Why is everyone picking on the pantsuit? I just thought you were the kind of woman who would stand up to a jerk like Dan.
And that is how I saved that busload of orphans.
Wow.
Yes, if it weren't for me, they would have seen Transformers 2.
But I stopped them.
Wow! You know, I am really having fun.
I mean, I have to admit, you're not really my type.
I normally go for a slightly taller, hipper version of you.
I cannot resist a man like that.
Someone's on a roll.
Yeah.
No thanks to you.
FBI's most normal list? Did you really think that would work? No, but I thought it might force you back in the game.
Really? I couldn't stand seeing you like that and I felt a tiny bit responsible.
You got my mojo back! Bernie, I love you! It may cost me the super nurple of a lifetime, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
Ahh! What's happening? Why am I so warm? Um, are-are you okay? I'm sorry I was quiet just then, I was deep in thought.
I must stand now and walk outside the store and not come back inside no matter what I hear.
Hi.
Sorry about that.
That was my special brother.
I look after him.
When I'm not busy being a taller, hipper, less retarded version of him.
That is so sexy.
My God, has anyone ever told you you've got the neck of a swan.
Champagne? Oh, look who's back.
Decide you want a little sex-a-polooza after all? I just made that up.
This is your last chance to give me my rabbit's foot back.
I have no idea what you're talking about, so I can only assume it's somehow period related.
Boyd, operation "Lucky Fluffy" is a go.
Who's this? Over.
Boyd, go with the plan; The one we talked about.
Right.
I'm on it.
Over.
What happened to the power?! I've been playing for hours.
I was about to win $10,000! Maybe you should've thought of that before you stole my lucky rabbit's foot.
It's my rabbit's foot, psycho! Okay, you know what?! Your bullying won't work on me, you doughy, over-the-hill jock! I hope losing that money taught you a valuable lesson.
I found your rabbit's foot.
Over.
I'm sorry, what was that, Boyd? It was under your desk.
Over.
So cutting the power to Dan's store? Was completely unnecessary.
Over.
Did you really cut Dan's power? That's awesome.
No, it wasn't awesome.
I totally overreacted.
Now I have to give him two months free rent.
Yeah.
I bet he was pissed he lost the tournament.
How did you know about that? Oh, I've been playing him all day.
Thanks for taking him out.
He was my biggest competition, and now I'm one player away from wining $10,000! Mmm yeah.
That's what I'm talking about! Mmm yeah! What are you looking at, creep?! Oh yeah, mmm you smell good.
Yes, you do! Excuse me? Perv much? Why don't you come over here and sit on my lap.
Yeah, I bet you got soft lips.
You picked the wrong day to mess with me.
Mmm yeah, let's get you out of those clothes.
It feels good.
Oh yeah.
Let's see what you got up that skirt It feels like a penis! Oh my God! You have a penis! Will you ever forgive me? Yeah, well, she wasn't really my type.
I mean, her eyes were too close together and she'd never seen Seaquest.
Also, she had a penis.
Yeah, I guess.
So, are you ready? Peter, I don't think I'll ever be ready.
I still can't believe that was a man.
Yeah.
Apparently, I accidentally signed up for unexpected cock'nections.
Still nice guy.
I had a lovely time.
Yeah You really did get your mojo back.
Yes, but at what cost.
Let's get this over with.
Super nurple! Yeah! Yow! Woo!