Alpha House (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

Also, we're gonna need a ProMAX concealable.
- Ultralight Gold Flex.
- Mm.
And what's that? Uh, kevlar vest.
It's thin enough to go under your dress shirt.
Now, you want the optional auto shell carrier with rifle plate pockets? - Roger that.
- Rifle plates? We need you to remove your shirt, sir, so I can measure from your sternal notch down to your belly button.
Lose the jacket, sir.
Now, you want the full back plate with kidney wings for blood trauma protection ? - What? - Yeah.
With spike 1-rated stab resistant inserts.
Hm, got it.
No worries, sir.
Nobody gets stabbed in Afghanistan.
Besides, any assailant will have to go through me first.
Yeah, I I'm not worried about anything.
I, uh You're payin' for that, right? Wow, both Lindsey and Mitch are down in their primaries.
It's a bitch of a year to run.
I don't envy you guys.
And we appreciate your pity, Andrew.
I mean, if any of you lose, we all suffer, of course.
But I'll manage.
I'm a survivor.
Hunting and gathering.
Well, mostly gathering.
- I had stuff on hold.
- Wow.
I wasn't aware you already had a key.
It's true.
Our relationship's a little ahead of schedule.
Thank you for noticing, Louis.
How much fun is this playing house? Oh, Adriana, I don't think shopping at Saks is playing house.
I think bringing back the paper towels you went out to get is playing house.
They don't carry paper towels at Saks.
- I checked.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You better get out of here - before you get it.
- What? You don't think I can take care of myself? Oh, I don't think so.
Would you mind? This is the kitchen.
Sorry, Louis.
Oh, my God, what is that for? - He's going to Afghanistan.
- Really? But why? Congressional delegation.
Wow.
Amazing.
Amazing.
You are so brave, Louis.
Are you going? You should go.
Me? What the hell for? I'm not running this year.
This could be your last chance to be seen with the troops in the field.
If Obama really brings them home, this war could be over by the time that you run for president.
- President? - Oh.
Now, I'm running for president? You know you are.
The whole world knows you are.
Seriously, you should go.
Rand Paul wouldn't, and you can use the contrast.
- Hey, Rosie.
- What the hell, Louis? You are goin' to Afghanistan? I know.
It's not me.
Really not you, darlin'.
Very McCain, but not you.
I'm being primaried, Rose, by a buffalo rancher who's legally killed two people.
- Men.
- Come on in.
- You want some coffee? - Always.
Oh, morning, Andy.
Missed you at the hearing yesterday.
- Why are you here? - I live here now, Rosalyn.
Oh, God, you've been returned to the wild.
Be nice.
I'm still healing.
- Why are you here? - We share a wall.
That one.
I work on historic bills four feet away from your clown-ass TV.
That's an awesome thought.
Wait, are they historic if they don't pass? So help me understand, Louis: To beat Buffalo Bob, you're flying to a war zone.
Well, it sounds idiotic when you say it.
The trip's the RNC's idea to say no to Obama's cut and run.
Your side's so messed up now, honey.
Lincoln would puke.
Listen, you want me to water your garden when you're gone? You almost lost the hydrangeas when you went to Davos.
That would be great, Rosie.
Who wants a fashion show? Me.
We all do.
Well, I'll let you get back to whatever.
It's a party.
Mm-hmm.
Bye.
And cancel my lunch with committee council.
I've got a 1.
00 at Solar Planet.
Right, thanks, bye.
Solar Planet? - The tanning salon? - Shh.
- What? - The driver.
They all tweet now.
Why the hell are you goin' to a tanning salon? We're about to leave for Afghanistan.
I know, and I don't wanna show up looking so so Western.
What are you talking about? They're a dusky-skinned people.
The tan shows respect.
That's insane.
I've been a missionary, Gil.
I know something about cultural sensitivity.
Huh.
Where exactly did the church send you? Iceland.
Home of the whitest people on earth.
They have their own issues.
Can we please change the subject before you-know-who overhears something that could be taken out of context? How about those wizards? They've been eliminated.
That's what I meant.
Quite a surprise.
It was a month ago.
Okay.
So the bad news is we're technically violating the law by engaging in political activity in a government office, but the good news is we're only doing it for 30 seconds.
The buy on this is two weeks in the suburban markets.
He was ready on day 1, ready on day 179 and day 2,478.
For 17 years, he's been ready every day to help people, people who are ready to help themselves to turn their lives around, people who don't make excuses, who dig deep, like Robert Bettencourt himself, who had a vision for himself and for Pennsylvania, and has been getting it done ever since.
Robert Bettencourt: Accepting responsibility with no excuses.
My name is Robert Bettencourt, and I approve this message.
I guess maybe "approve" is a little strong.
All right.
Back to work.
Amazing.
What does he get? Like a finder's fee? Okay, okay, what's so funny? Nothing, Senator.
- Just girl talk.
- Just girl talk.
No, come on.
Tell me.
- Senator Bettencourt has struck again.
- What? He tried to set you up with someone? - Aaron Stinson.
- Aaron.
Robert's L.
A.
Okay, okay, I can see it.
He's already asked Tammy out for drinks.
Well, I'm not surprised.
Your blouses are so tight, they could put someone's eye out.
What? The buttons.
Get it? If they pop Oh, never mind, it's one of those stupid macho jokes I make all the time.
I'm incorrigible.
Spread the word.
Any messages? I'll just leave those there.
You understand the concept of a senate hideaway, don't you, Katherine? How else am I supposed to get anything in front of you? You're never in the office.
By the way, this is a lot nicer than the office.
How did you get a window? Swapped hideaways with Mauer.
He never used his.
Needed my vote for the student loan bill, which still failed.
I'd say I got the better deal.
You sold your vote for a rec room ? No, I was gonna vote for it anyway.
Farkus and I both agreed to cancel out each other's vote.
- Mauer didn't know this? - Never asked.
It's all 3D chess, Katherine.
It's not my fault when people can't keep up.
I need you to cover for me at the transportation markup today.
- I've got a meeting.
- No, you don't.
Her name's Adriana.
Adriana.
This would be your latest.
My latest.
Why do you always say "latest"? If I don't learn the name, I don't have to forget it.
I'm recently divorced, for Christ's sake.
- It's a shopping period.
- Such a special time.
Besides, she's serious people.
Adriana de Portago.
Ring a bell? Andy, let me count the ways that dating that woman could go terribly wrong.
- One - Katherine - Two - I like her in real time.
Unlike my ex, who had meat "good-bye.
" at least ten, and that is without even checking TMZ.
Katherine, I am not Bubba.
I am not reckless.
I would never risk everything that we've worked for.
Andy, you blew up your marriage a week before the last election over a nanny.
Okay.
That's one time.
Okay, so this is you being conveyed to your next confab.
Everything looks squared away, proper distance between vehicles, gunners scanning the perimeter.
The most powerful army on earth is on the move.
And then, boom.
What? What just happened? Humvee just got blown to shit, Maddie.
What was your mistake? Hm? Your mistake was being in that convoy.
Any and all military vehicles are IED magnets, so that's not how we roll.
Same thing with air transport.
- Boom.
- Wait a minute.
- Wasn't that a Soviet helicopter? - It's a simulation, Senator Biggs, just to show you what you're up against.
I don't understand this.
None of the congressional delegations in the past had any security problems with the army.
That's luck.
Luck? Uh, Bo, if I may.
Mrs.
Biggs, for us, codels are mission specific.
We deliver high-value packages quickly and safely.
Unlike the military, it's all we do.
We're FedEx to the army's postal service.
Maddie, there's a reason why half of all Americans in Afghanistan are private contractors, because they get the job done cheaper and more efficiently than the military.
Well, Carthage Security Systems is the gold standard of private security.
We couldn't be in better hands, Maddie.
In fact, there hasn't been a single incident where one of our Well, of course, unless I'm mistaken, everybody walked away from that one.
Mm, well, there's a learning curve.
There's no question about that, but Hey, isn't Carthage one of your biggest contributors? Gee, you think? No worries, Maddie.
Ain't nothin' gonna happen to us.
You know what I really hate about the trip? I'm missin' the Bobcats game.
I'm missin' a classic rivalry.
Skybox, fully-catered spread, little hostess cupcakes runnin' around.
Christ, I must be crazy.
You're a real perks guy, aren't you, Gil John? I am a perks guy, Robert.
If you've earned them, if you're worthy, there's no shame to it.
Pause it, would you? I gotta pee.
Louis? You okay? Do you know any good prayers? Well, yeah.
Yeah, I guess so.
They're not mormon.
My mormon prayers haven't been working out lately.
Could you lead me in one of yours? Yeah, sure, I guess.
Go ahead.
Oh, God Oh, God.
- Oh, God, m most - God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God! Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
Oh, God! Everything about this is so hot.
Yo, I'm Andy Guzman.
Got any Florida boys here? Miami, sir.
I voted for you.
Thank you, Soldier.
Little slap for junior! Anyone hail from Nevada? Four corners, maybe? Any of the box states? Sorry to hear about the divorce, Senator Guzman.
Well, it looks like you landed on your feet, sir.
Yes, I did.
Yes, I did.
Who the fuck brings a date to Afghanistan?? That's Andy for you.
He took two girls to Mike Wallace's funeral.
- Who are you with? - What what's that? Who are you with? What network? Oh, no, no, I' m I'm not media.
I I work for RNC Communications.
Angie.
Angie Sullivan.
Shelby Mellman.
I'm with the Reno Post Tribune.
Covering senator Laffer.
Oh, yeah? I'm surprised your paper can afford to send you.
They can't, really.
But Laffer's in a tight race.
He might lose, which'll be a big deal in Nevada.
Who is that guy talking to Angie? Oh, that's Shelby Mellman.
He works for the Reno paper.
Why is he on this trip? Well, it's your hometown newspaper, sir.
You're running for reelection.
It's not that strange.
I don't like it.
Why does a little rag like the Post-Tribune send a reporter to Afghanistan? To catch you supporting our troops, sir.
No.
No, he's up to something.
Jesus, Louis, you're sweatin' like a pig.
We're flying over a desert, in case you hadn't heard.
What on earth are you wearing? Have you got on kevlar leggings? They shoot at planes while they're landing, you know.
You got an armored cup too? Gil.
For God's sake, Gil.
- We're being taped.
- Relax.
- Angie works for us.
- You're such an idiot.
Haven't you ever heard of the YouTube? Yes.
I told you about it.
No wonder you're already seven points down.
Senator Biggs, the pilot sends serious props and wants to know if you wanna fly the aircraft.
Awesome ship, hey, Coach? Oughta be, son, these babies cost 70 million a pop.
It's a lot of plane.
I can't believe two years ago, I was renting beach umbrellas.
- I'm livin' the dream, Coach.
- We both are, son.
I'm not really flying, am I? No, sir, neither am I.
Autopilot.
Ah, but we're on the approach.
I'm about to earn my pay.
Oh, quick favor, sir.
Any chance I could score an autograph for my dad? Huge tar heels fan.
No problem, son.
Awesome, could you make it out to "Big Dog"? - Big dog.
- I grew up "Little Dog.
" kept it as my handle at flight school.
Everyone called me "Little Dog" except for my flight instructor, who called me "Little Douche.
" I'm gonna get have to get my co back up here now, Coach.
Air Force kind of insists on it.
Oh, sure.
Thanks for the ride, son.
Oh, this is sick.
Dude, check it out! Signed by Coach Biggs himself.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain.
It is my pleasure to welcome you to Afghan air space.
At this time, I'd like to suggest that you hang on to your balls.
Ha, boo-yah.
- Who's rank in here? - A Colonel Wozniak.
Coalition security head for the airfield.
That was terrifying.
It's all in your head, babe.
Just gotta tell yourself it's an amusement park ride.
Do you even know how terror works? - Sir, stop.
- Hello?? I'm a member of this delegation too, you know? It's like I don't exist to these guys.
- Welcome to Bagram, Senators.
- Well, thank you, Colonel.
I hear we're not losin'.
Your intel's probably better than mine, Senator.
I understand you made your own security arrangements, sir? That's right.
Carthage Systems.
We wanna highlight the contributions that private contractors have made to the security here in Afghanistan.
Yes, sir, and what a heck of a contribution it is.
That's Team Oakley over there.
Oh, yes.
Deputy Ambassador's waiting to brief you over at base command.
You sure we just can't run you over by helo? Only take a couple minutes.
- Oh, that'd be great.
- No, no, thanks, Colonel.
That's we're good.
Oh, I never felt heat like this before.
I grew up in a swamp.
Gentlemen.
Welcome to Afghanistan.
Ready for a hard roll? A what? All clear.
Three coming through! Three four, approaching follow checkpoint.
Roger that, skip.
What does that mean? All weapons red? Means we're rack, back, and safeties off, ma'am.
We're ready to handle any threat level.
I don't believe this.
I turned down Jay Z's drop party to be here.
- I thought we were winning.
- Ma'am.
We're on one of the safest routes of any downrange.
It won't be a problem.
Approaching zone J.
Vehicle one, clear.
Vehicle two is clear.
Car comin' out fast.
Four, check out passenger.
Roger that.
Oh, my God! Ay, dios mio.
Ay, dios mio.
What just happened? Oh, my God! What happened? What happened? Hello? Hello? Are we being attacked? What was that gun fire? Ma'am, I'm gonna need you to stop talking to me.
Clear, he dropped back.
Passenger was just a kid.
- Check that, four.
- Ay.
Will you pull yourself together? I'm serious.
Don't make me turn this convoy around.
We are green.
We are green.
All units, stand down.
There you go.
Senator.
Welcome to Afghanistan.
- Ambassador - Safe trip? Good? - Yeah - Good, well, indeed.
- Ambassador.
- How are you? - Welcome.
- Safe trip, I hope? So, Jake.
Great to see you again.
Secretary Kerry sends his best.
- Really? - I kid you not.
Says you guys are really tearin' it up over here.
- Ah, not how he put it, but - Why don't we get started? Listen, Jake.
We come a long way, and we're beat.
We're not particularly interested in any nuance today.
Senator Biggs, how can I brief you without nuance? The ISAF mission is a complex conflict with an incredible number of moving parts.
Look, you got your good news and your bad news in here, right? Well, of course.
Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but we're only here for the good parts.
Anyone who wants to read the defeatist parts can do it after hours.
We're interested in something that looks like victory if we don't turn tail.
Can you help us with that? Are you joking, Senator? I can make Afghanistan sound like fucking Switzerland if you want.
Listen, how safe are we here? Can I take my vest off for a moment? I think I've got a rash or something.
Shit! Get down! - Take cover! - Damn it! Come on!