Alpha Males (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1
A NETFLIX SERIES
[Pedro] Santi back against the wall
won't return a single ball.
- Yeah, yeah.
- [Pedro] Don't say that. Just do it.
You'll remind me a hundred times
during the match anyway.
A toast to my daughter, who is a lesbian!
So screw all you, you perverts,
because nobody
has inserted their pen drive,
wet the turkey,
or stuffed the churro or whatever.
[Luis] Wrong way around.
How was your date? Did you get laid?
Okay, who's serving now?
- Well, we're still just waiting on Raúl.
- Such a pain in the ass.
Hey, now, look who's here.
What you got there, dude?
- Broke up with Luz.
- Oh shit.
- You okay, man?
- Me? I'm fucking great.
Who can host me for a few days?
[all grunting]
[Luis] All right, let's do it.
All right, guys, let's go. Let's go.
Let's go!
Straighten out.
Can't you see the white line?
Am I crossing over it?
Tomorrow is your ninth driving test.
Tenth test.
- The cyclist! Safe distance away.
- [driver gasps]
I'm crossing the solid white line.
That's four points.
- You can cross it to overtake him.
- You sure?
- Yes.
- [cell phone ringing]
- [sighs] Yes, Erika. What's he done now?
- [blows whistle] Let's go.
Kid, gotta get off your bike
on the crosswalk.
[girl] He totally ignored you.
Come on, come on, let's go.
Let's go. Let's go, please. Come on!
[whistles]
[cell phone ringing]
ESTHER SWEETHEAR
[whistles] Come on, move it!
[ringing continues]
Oh, not again.
[chuckles] Uh.
- Yeah. Yes, honey. Tell me.
- [Esther] Were you ignoring me?
I was just helping
some pedestrians cross the road.
- [Esther] Gabriel, brake now!
- [tires screech]
- [Esther] Let's see. Let's see.
- What what the stop!
- Stop, stop, stop! Here, here.
- [Esther] Can you stop?
Ulises got a hold of some scissors
and cut off the braids of three girls.
In class?
We need to medicate him now.
Parents are complaining.
And your sure they didn't set him up?
Girls are troublemakers.
They might be framing him for everything.
Luis, your son is suffering
from attention deficit hyperactivity.
- We gotta medicate him, period.
- [sighs]
You pick up his medication?
No. Well, I'll do it. To the pharmacy.
- [tires screech]
- Whoa, whoa!
- [Gabriel] Sorry, I didn't see him.
- Please, go ahead. Go on.
You didn't see him?
[blows whistle]
[sighs]
"Laundry detergent." [sighs]
[cell phone ringing]
JC PRIVATE BANK
- Juan Carlos.
- [Juan Carlos] How are you, Pedro?
Listen, I saw that 103,000 euros were put
in your account.
Uh, yeah, it's the bonus this year.
Fuck. They must be happy with you.
You should invest it, right?
At the moment, our best bet is the US.
Yes, the Federal Reserve has
reduced incentives, but the macro data.
Uh, no, no, I'd rather leave the money
in my account for now.
All of it? Are you gonna buy a new car?
Asking because you might be interested
in what we've done
for clients like yourself.
[Pedro] Hey, listen, Juan Carlos, sorry.
I'm about to enter a meeting.
"Zucchini."
[exhales]
Hey-hey! Ha-ha!
"Carrot."
[man] This is like a business.
First, you have to invest in the product,
and in this case, you are the product.
What does Daniela Galván
have to offer the world?
Uh, well
Everything. Because being an influencer
is something you're born to do.
[Daniela] Mm-hmm.
Patricia, if you need detergent,
write the brand
because there's tons of 'em.
Sorry, sir. The lady usually goes.
- And she knows which one to get.
- Patri, shh, shh!
[man] You have to
make people wanna be like you.
But deep down, they can't ever be.
You get me?
Yes, yes.
I mean, intimate but unreachable.
I get it. I get it. [chuckles]
Well, Jonás.
[kisses] Thank you.
[Jonás] Things are in motion, gorgeous.
Go create, create!
[Pedro] Who was that guy?
My agent. [laughs]
Cynthia hooked me up with her agency.
They work with, like, 50 top influencers,
cream of the crop.
Sir, did you get one zucchini?
[exhales] Because it said "zucchini,"
singular.
If you want more zucchinis,
write "five, five zucchinis."
[Daniela] They're gonna get me
publicity work.
Last year they did
more than 1,500 campaigns.
My God, it's unbelievable. [squeals]
Are you proud of me?
- I always am, my love. Wanna go out?
- Hmm.
Uh, I can't. I'm busy.
You can hang out with your buddies, right?
Enjoy yourself. You have time now.
- [Pedro] They're all working.
- [Daniela] Hmm.
[Patri] You forgot the dust mop too.
[Santi] To be honest, if I were you,
I probably would've gone with Pedro, huh?
You know, he's got a maid,
an awesome pool.
- You'd have your own suite and bathroom.
- No, no.
This way, the bachelors
are back together, huh?
- We'll have a fucking blast here.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How long you staying here?
Uh, until I find something,
two days, a month.
No, I mean, it's just 'cause my daughter
needs her dad right now, you know.
- And I'm not sure that this will help.
- Álex? She loves me.
She won't even notice I'm here.
Yeah, I know. You remember
how small our place is, right?
If you don't want me here, tell me.
Don't beat around the bush.
- No, come on. It's not a problem at all.
- Okay.
Wait here.
Pretend we didn't come together.
What?
Yeah, come on.
In ten minutes, ring the bell.
- And I'll pretend I didn't know.
- Wait here ten minutes?
- You come in all upset.
- I'm not pretending I'm upset.
You gotta pretend you're upset.
My daughter isn't stupid.
Whose house is this? Yours or hers?
[scoffs] Just wait here
for a bit and shut up. Come on.
Shh!
[sighs] Hi, honey.
- [clears throat] Um
- Nieves, 41.
Adventurous, everyone's friend,
and more of an early bird
than a night owl.
She'll meet you for dinner at nine.
That's great. Um
[inhales] Uh,
I have something to tell you.
I get it. I won't bring people back here.
No, no, no, no,
I think it's great, but really.
You know, you can't beat sex at home.
- How about this idea?
- Hmm?
If one of us gets lucky,
we turn the doormat upside down.
- What for?
- [Álex] Dad, it's a code.
So when the other person gets home,
they don't come in.
[Santi] Oh.
Hey, does your Mom know you're a lesbian?
Can I say "lesbian," or is that wrong?
I prefer not to define myself.
I'm not into labels.
Uh, you said Nieves, huh? Mm-hmm. Nieves.
- Are you all right?
- [Santi] Huh?
- Yeah, honey, of course I am.
- [doorbell buzzes]
Oh, the doorbell.
That's the doorbell, yeah? That's
Didn't hear the intercom. How weird.
Wonder who it is.
Raúl, how are you, bud?
What a surprise. What brings you here?
- I broke up with Luz.
- Jesus.
But I'm not upset about it.
What do you mean not upset? Come on.
No way, but that's tough,
but what happened?
'Cause you were doing well, no?
Well, here I am.
Nowhere else for me to go.
[Santi] Uh-huh.
Well, I guess. Here is a little messy.
And how can we help you? Hmm?
Well, I don't know. You got any ideas?
Uh, let's see. I'd gladly let
you stay at our place, obviously.
- But, you know, now that
- [Raúl] Mm-hmm.
I've got Álex staying here with me.
- It's oof. Well
- [Raúl] Hmm.
Pfft. Uh
[clears throat]
He's crashing here, huh?
Mm-hmm. Okay.
[whispers] Let's go.
BLOOD TES
Yes, Luis,
it seems that you have early onset
of unspecified testicular hypofunction.
Damn it. And so that means?
That your testosterone's
a bit low for your age.
Oh, right.
See, I'm not normally this tired
or this depressed and since
When I heard the ad on the radio,
I knew I had to come in.
Something's wrong.
I've got some good news.
The solution is very simple.
One injection a month.
[snaps fingers]
And it'll change your life.
Okay, I'm ready.
Is there a pill form instead, hmm?
Oh, God. [mutters]
Oh, God.
How could you give this to your boy?
Well, that's what the neurologist
gave him to try and stabilize him.
- These are uppers.
- Nuh-uh.
"Ingredients, dextroamphetamine."
Oh, they're uppers.
Kid's gonna get hooked.
But he told me to give him
a quarter of a pill, like this.
We used to take a quarter of a pill
at that festival in your town.
- And we'd hallucinate Smurfs.
- All right, all right.
And I ended up marrying one.
- I wouldn't give him that.
- [Esther] What should I do?
He can't concentrate,
won't stay still, won't keep quiet.
He hits people. He interrupts everybody.
He's hyperactive.
He has no follow-through.
He's always tapping his fingers
on every surface.
Hey, and what about therapy?
- It's slower, but there's no drugs.
- [Esther] He's seen a psychologist.
Look, quit bugging me.
You're my friend, damn it.
Just say I'm right about it all.
Just stop it with the goddamn leaflet.
You're getting on my nerves.
I can never fold it back the same way.
Drives me crazy.
[sighs] More coffee?
No, because of you, I want wine now.
[Luz] Weren't you going to the gym today?
You can sell your car
without ever leaving your home.
Check out what she's wearing
just to sell a car.
- It really is so easy.
- Don't you like her? She's super sweet.
Well, sorry.
I can't be friends with someone
who has zero cellulite on her thighs.
It isn't normal.
It's not her fault
she has that metabolism.
And what did I do to deserve mine?
[Daniela] Ask me anything.
You sold your Mini?
Because I gotta buy clothes
until I get them comped.
And [sighs]
a makeup artist
and rent some handbags, jewelry.
Darling, it was a gift to you.
Well, now we have one car.
That's enough, no?
And you have your bike too.
And how do you have 100,000 followers?
I got 20,000 from my sister,
and I bought 80,000 followers. [laughs]
- You bought followers?
- [Daniela] With cash from the car.
Who are all these people? They robots?
No, no, no, no. These likes are real.
You pay extra for that.
- It's a crazy scene. It's very freaky.
- Wait.
Are you telling me
that you spent the money
from the car to buy likes
from complete strangers?
I also just bought a drone.
- A drone?
- [squeals] Yes!
To take aerial shots.
For when I do yoga out by the pool
or when I go out jogging.
Darling, I've got a brand-new one
in the garage.
How would I know? You haven't unpacked.
And who's flying it for you?
[whirring]
Where's that loser going to sleep?
[chuckles] Well, on the couch
or the bathtub. There isn't anywhere else.
- He's the famous Mr. Foreclosure, no?
- It wasn't his fault.
The housing crisis crash-landed on him.
You know, his clients stopped paying him.
Yeah, well, he's putting his underwear
in your DVD cabinet.
[Santi] Hey, man, why are you
putting them in there? Come on!
Dude, what should I do?
I gotta take 'em out.
I can't wear wrinkled clothes
at the restaurant.
- Make room in your closet.
- [Santi] Hmm.
- [Raúl] We're going out tonight, right?
- [Santi groans]
Dad, Nieves.
Yeah, Nieves. Uh, no.
I'm meeting someone from Tinder.
You're trying to meet chicks online?
That's for losers, man.
And that's according to you?
And what would you know, child?
You gotta charm women in person.
Where's the best place to score? The bars.
Okay, Gen X.
- [Santi] Hey, uh, honey.
- What?
Couldn't you reschedule Nieves
for tomorrow, for example?
[scoffs] What do you think this is,
a manicure?
I've been working on her for four days.
All right. Okay, tomorrow we'll go out.
Uh, no. Tomorrow's your date with Lorena.
Lorena, who's Lorena?
Don't set up so many, okay?
I get all mixed up.
Got you on a leash, huh?
There's an outbreak of syphilis.
- [clicks]
- [grunts]
- [clicks]
- [grunts]
Hi, how are you? I'm Guillermo.
Um, is this your first time here?
Is it that obvious?
No, because you're wearing every item
we give you when you sign up with us.
No, the gym bag's in my locker.
The magnetic key sucks, by the way.
[chuckles] Okay. Uh, well, tell me, uh
- Esther.
- Esther.
What are your goals?
Improving your cardio, losing weight?
If I could look less like a Minion,
that'd be good.
[chuckles] Hey, there, you're not so bad.
Hey, listen, I'm teaching
a body rhythm class. You up for it?
What's that?
- [dance music playing]
- [Guillermo] Come on, four, three!
Hands up!
Turn!
Very good. Switch!
Turn!
Switch!
Turn!
Come on!
Hello, I had a little trouble
with parking, so I'm Santi.
Hello. Uh, Nieves. Nice to meet you.
- [chuckles]
- Yeah, delighted.
- This place is really nice, huh?
- Hmm.
You have good taste.
Yes, yes.
- Uh, uh, bathroom, be right back, okay?
- [Nieves] Want me to order you anything?
[Álex] And so what if she's short?
It's news to me that you only go out
with models from Victoria's Secret.
It's not only that she's short.
What else is it?
She's, uh, a little too curvy.
Oh, Dad, don't be fat-phobic.
Nieves, well, she's an authentic beauty.
No, she isn't.
Her photos make her look thinner.
Damn, if you gain 30 pounds,
update your profile.
Why? We have to combat
the body standard dictatorship.
- What's that mean?
- [knock on door]
Uh, one moment, yeah?
Well, the stereotypes of beauty imposed
on us by society.
It's time to accept the fact
that beauty isn't a
- Álex, you tricked me.
- Dad, ten bodies.
[scoffs]
[sighs]
Hey. Uh, why are you here?
Having dinner with Alfonso.
[Santi] Wow.
And you? Are you following me?
Excuse me. I'm on a date now.
And you brought her here?
To the restaurant
where you proposed to me.
You brought your dentist here.
It's not the same.
Alfonso is my boyfriend.
Oh, oh, of course. That's why Álex
had braces all those years.
Hey, where you going? Blanca.
- I wanna meet your date.
- Stop.
Hello. Hi, there.
I'm Blanca, Santi's ex-wife.
- [Santi] But she's just leaving.
- Oh! [laughs]
- Don't get up. Don't get up. She got up.
- Hi. Hi, I'm Nieves.
Nice to meet you. What a coincidence, huh?
It sure is. [chuckles]
Well, just saying hi.
Hmm. You enjoy your dinner.
That's great. Go on.
- [clears throat]
- She's so pretty, right?
- Hmm, no, she's average, a little.
- Yeah.
Hmm. Okay, well, Santi, tell me about you.
Am I gonna fall head over heels for you?
- [both laugh]
- Uh, I hope so. I hope so.
[both sigh]
[pop music playing]
YOUR STORY
[laughing]
[continues laughing]
[Pedro] Yes, go ahead.
Show off the whole house.
Because now some Albanian gang member
will start following you and see
how to break in and how to get out.
Keep rowing. You're very tense.
You forgot to show them
where the alarm sensors are,
but you can save that for the room tour.
But we have security. Darling,
you brought me to live in a bunker.
And the city council will be thrilled
to see that we have solar panels,
but no license at all.
Really, why all the stress?
My God, should I delete it?
I'd prefer you did that.
What a pity,
after all the effort I put in.
Just don't see it's necessary
to show off our whole house.
Okay, fine, I'll delete it. It's done.
- Done, took it down.
- [panting]
[Daniela] Honey.
- What?
- [shutter clicks]
[Daniela] Stay there, photo.
People are asking me
if I have a boyfriend.
[chuckles]
"This is my hubby, gorgeous."
[smacks lips]
I've just broken the hearts
of many Danielers. [chuckles]
Bathed and in bed by 9:13.
[sighs] They're
especially difficult tonight.
I don't know what to do about the boy.
Amphetamines, they're addictive.
Look, the child neurologist
prescribed them,
not like we're buying
from the neighborhood dealer.
Have you read the side effects?
Honey, what are you thinking?
You never read
the informational leaflet, never.
- "Palpitations, changes in personality."
- [sighs]
"Suicidal thoughts,
rashes, muscle spasms."
You gonna read the whole thing?
[Esther] "Neuroleptic
malignant syndrome, priapism."
"Loss of appetite. Weight loss as well."
You know, I don't understand why
you insisted so much on seeing a doctor
if you don't trust their opinion.
I do trust them.
These are dangerous though.
Look, Esther, we spent a lot of money
on the psychological evaluation,
the blood tests, the checkups.
And today he's playing a hairdresser.
But if it's a carpenter tomorrow
and smashes kids with a hammer,
he'll be kicked out of school,
and then what?
Oh, no, no, no. Let's give him them.
Right, it's settled.
Tomorrow we start drugging our son.
What was I [sighs]
You look beautiful.
[kisses]
Hey, darling, you know,
these muscle aches are killing me.
So soon?
When you haven't
worked out in years, yeah.
That sounds like an excuse.
Luis, let's not argue about this now.
No, no, don't worry.
But, remember,
don't complain about it later.
[exhales] I wanna fuck.
I wanna fuck.
Tomorrow, okay?
Sure, sure,
just fit me into your schedule.
[light clicks]
- [wrapper crinkles]
- [coughs]
[door closes]
Dad, successful night, right?
Another one down. [grunts]
Fuck. Well, give us the details, dude.
You sure woke up quickly, huh?
Hmm.
[Santi] Well, nothing, we had some dinner.
Some pretty good ceviche.
We went back to her place and
[both gasp]
[Santi] Everything was great.
She's nice, yeah.
[Álex] So her unconventionally beautiful
body type wasn't an issue?
- No, no, no, no. Not a problem.
- [Nieves panting]
[Santi] But I don't know.
I prefer a different kind of girl.
- Oh, damn, oh!
- [both shout]
[Álex] If that's the case,
why'd you end up in her bed?
I don't know, because I was already there.
Didn't wanna offend her.
A courtesy fuck, what a gentleman does.
Says a lot about you.
What the hell.
You could have come home and slept.
Instead, you fucked her like a champ,
and you gave her a morale boost.
[Álex] That's right.
First you get her hopes up,
then reject her
and give her more complexes.
What complex though? She wore this
tight dress showing off her giant boobs.
Well, it makes her feel feminine.
You guys are embarrassing.
But why's he have to fix
other people's complexes anyway?
- He's got enough of his own.
- Hey, but
Okay, so what? I'm supposed to feel
guilty because I like thinner ladies?
You could be missing the girl of your
dreams 'cause she isn't the right size.
Listen, look at my buddies' girls, okay?
There's Luz, Daniela, you know.
- All hotties.
- Sure.
Because those guys have no personality,
they need
to reinforce their fragile male egos.
What are you even talking about?
Okay, well, I'm gonna shower.
Got three appraisals today. [sighs]
- [Álex] And your date with Lorena tonight.
- God damn.
[Raúl] Stop finding more dates
for your dad.
Can't you tell he doesn't like it?
Guy hasn't scored this much in his life.
It's unnatural.
His brain isn't ready for all this.
You don't care about my dad.
All you want is a little buddy
at your booze fests for abandoned losers.
I wasn't abandoned, okay?
I left her, and she's a mess now.
You sure?
- [Raúl] Hmm.
- [cell phone chimes]
Wait.
A text from Luz.
She wants to meet up today.
She's regretting it already.
Oh, yeah, regretting what?
I thought you left her.
You're you're
you just don't get these things. Get lost.
Get lost, go study.
You couldn't understand.
Here, I've got some toasted flatbread
with avocado, olive oil, and bean sprouts
and chia pudding with oats and mango.
Let's try it.
See what it tastes like. Let's see.
Mmm! Mm.
The chia, it's like
falling head first into the sand.
No. I definitely prefer churros.
Ladies, we're losing
our greasy traditions, what a shame.
What a shame.
[kisses] Have a happy day,
my virtual family.
Mm. This goddamn chia.
Mm. I'm off to the salon.
- What's up today? What are your plans?
- Hmm, uh, plans are fluid.
Maybe you could go and unpack,
right, darling?
- Right now?
- I don't know or go get a checkup.
A checkup, why?
I don't know,
take advantage of your free time.
I don't see the link between
opening boxes and getting a checkup.
I'm taking your car.
You're not working today either, sir?
Can't you see that I'm here?
[slurps]
- So, did you drug the boy?
- Yes, yes, all done.
[slurps]
[Raúl] Mm.
[Luz] Mm.
Sorry. I'm staying at Santi's place,
and you know. [chuckles]
There's only one bathroom,
and we share a shower.
- [chuckles]
- Don't worry. How are you?
Fine. Fine, yes. Very busy. Hmm. You?
- Well, I've been thinking and
- Me as well.
- I don't think we should
- Be apart.
I knew you'd wise up.
You're a bit headstrong at times, honey.
- No, come on.
- No, no.
The important thing
is you see your mistake.
I'll come home.
Everything's sorted. [kisses]
- Raúl, listen to me.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
We shouldn't hold your assets in my name.
It's a big responsibility for me.
- And it doesn't make sense now.
- Oh.
Find someone you trust and arrange
an appointment at the notary public
to change it all, okay?
But you
You don't wanna get back together?
No, sorry, my love.
SANTI'S GETTING MARRIED
[chuckles]
BUT WE'RE NO
[chuckles] Man, oh, man.
Should I throw this out, sir?
Goes in the trash?
No, no, no,
that's the, uh, "I don't know" pile.
I'm just separating things for now.
- But I can take the boxes, right?
- No, really, you go.
- Go do whatever you gotta do.
- Sorry, sorry, sir.
Stop following me, damn it!
2018 EXECUTIVE OF THE YEAR
You look fantastic, Esperanza.
You haven't changed. How do you do it?
[Esperanza] Surgery.
[exhales] Well, really, you can't tell.
Yeah, that's the idea. Okay, tell me.
Nothing, well, uh,
as you were all so interested in me,
well, maybe we could go over it again.
Pedro [chuckles]
We made you that offer seven years ago.
I like to think things through.
First you said yes,
and then you left us hanging.
We even had the press release ready.
Well, there was a counteroffer.
Oh, come on.
You used us to improve your contract.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Esperanza, come on.
Not at all, I mean, if
if I offended you, I'm really sorry.
Well, yes, you actually did.
Well, the reason
that I wanted to talk to you.
[clears throat] Let you know
that right now I'm now available.
Well, good luck with that.
My very first paid job!
[pops]
[shouts] An eye contour!
- Where have you been all dressed up?
- Uh, having having a checkup.
- [both scream]
- [gasps]
[chuckling]
[chuckles]
[Julián] In the US,
that's where it pays to be a cop.
You can use your gun or shoot 'em
with your taser
if people look at you wrong.
God, how awesome.
Okay, but the kids there
also take guns to school.
Yeah, but people respect cops, okay?
They respect the institution.
And they call each other "brothers,"
you know. So nice.
Do you want me to call you brother?
Well, not in public, no.
But if you feel like saying it someday,
like, in private, uh, I wouldn't mind.
God damn it, public drinking. Hmm.
[crowd chattering]
What are you doing?
Our shift ends in ten minutes, you know.
Just follow me.
Brother.
[Luis] Psst, hey, kids. Kids!
You're in big trouble now.
Come on, show me your IDs now.
Come on, man. No, we were just leaving.
What? No, no, nobody's leaving here.
You pat 'em down.
- What's up with you?
- [boy] We haven't done anything.
Come on,
empty everything out of your pockets.
[chuckles] Are you out of your mind?
What did you say?
You fucked up. Just turn around.
- Hey, hey, hey. They're recording us.
- Come on.
Hey, phones away or I'll arrest you all.
- Come on, yeah.
- [Julián] Yeah, yeah, okay.
Get everything out your pockets.
What, is something wrong?
- Hi, how are you?
- Hello.
- I wanna cancel my gym card.
- Why?
It's just I don't really like
your training system here.
- [receptionist] Uh
- What exactly don't you like about it?
- Oh, hello.
- Hey, what's up?
Well, my body hurts,
and I've been crabby all day.
And besides,
I've found a more comfortable method.
What?
Dextrimorol, 20 milligrams.
- [chuckles]
- Amphetamines.
They prescribed them for my son's ADHD.
And I started them last night,
and I've only had tea today.
I'm not hungry. I'm like Kate Moss.
You know that's very dangerous, right?
Whatever. In a month, I'll be a size two.
Okay, what about the flappy skin?
I'm just saying, if you stop eating
and you don't train, at your age,
in two months, it'll all hang.
Stop with the chemicals and get inside.
No, no. Besides, I don't have my gym bag.
- Well, we have a store here.
- I pulled the back of my knee, so
- We'll do some stretches, relax.
- I'm really not flexible.
- [exhales] Listen to me, uh
- Esther.
Esther. Esther. Look, if you buy
a 20-session PT package with me.
- I swear
- PT?
Personal training.
I promise that I'll get
your ass as hard as a rock.
You promise?
And I'll throw in
a personalized diet plan.
I'm gonna regret this. [sighs]
Guys, you know,
everyone badmouths Covid all the time.
It's so easy to criticize the disease,
but I will always be
very grateful to the Chinese,
because thanks to this virus,
I learned how to use a frying pan.
We've all learned how to use a frying pan.
I think that's why
it's called a "pan-demic."
[laughing]
You're enjoying the show, right?
Uh, um, sorry. I just don't
find stand-up comedians very funny.
They all seem a little pathetic.
Well, so much for my plan.
No, but, uh, I don't know.
They're all just a bunch
of frustrated people
trying to monetize their misfortunes.
Or maybe other people's misfortunes,
which is even worse, in my opinion.
Yeah, and it's always like
they're looking down at us
from their position
of public intellectual.
Well, I find the whole thing so lame.
[scoffs]
You all done now?
- Hmm, well
- I'll be back soon.
[comedian] Don't tell me a funny
mountain lion joke, or I'll puma pants.
[audience laughing]
Well, I won't torture you any longer.
I'll hand you over
to my colleague Lorena Lorenzo!
[audience applauding]
Well, good evening, guys. How's everyone?
So before I get started
pathetically monetizing my misfortunes,
I'd like you all
to give a round of applause
to my lovely Tinder date for the evening,
who hates stand-up comedians,
but he's suffering through this
in hopes that he might get laid afterward.
[laughing]
Come on, Santi.
Hope is the last thing to die. [chuckles]
[Luis] You should've seen me.
There were about 20 or 30.
Yeah, like 30 kids.
- [whimpers, sighs]
- [Luis] And big kids. So big these days.
- And Julián was scared shitless.
- [exhales]
[Luis] You coming to bed?
Luis, I don't feel very well.
I I can't breathe. I can't stop it.
I mean, I'm having terrible palpitations,
but I'm super happy.
[gasps] And I'm paranoid.
Take me to the ER.
I'm not taking you to the ER. Drink water.
No, no, no. No water.
I wanna see a doctor.
- [Luis] It's that green tea you drank.
- Or those drugs I took.
- What now?
- [Esther] Whoa.
[panting]
I wanted to know they were safe.
Like a good mom.
But how many did you take?
Four, five pills.
Esther, that could make you sick though.
That's what I'm saying. Get dressed.
- I'm having a heart attack.
- I'm coming, coming. Wait a minute.
Is this another excuse to not have sex?
- Look at me right now.
- Who in their right mind would do this?
They make you lose weight though.
[Luis] I told you not
to read the information leaflet.
[gasps] I'm blind in this eye.
[Santi] I laughed so much.
Honestly. I mean,
I had my prejudices all wrong.
Of course, some jokes
were a little crude, you know.
The same jokes that men tell, but yes,
it sounds uglier coming from a woman.
Because women are not as funny as men.
No, they're funnier.
Okay, well, I mean, you are, at least.
And besides, you write your own jokes.
Oh, yeah.
All on my own. Isn't it incredible?
Uh, sorry, don't get me wrong.
I didn't mean to sound patronizing.
- Santi, you're a textbook chauvinist pig.
- No.
No, no, no, no, okay?
No, I really get along with all women.
I I just wanted
to praise your your performance
because, to be honest, it was nuts.
- And the others were cunts, huh?
- Come on, you were better.
Nuts are good, but cunts not good.
See where I'm going?
Look, it's just a figure of speech, so
You think as you talk, sweetheart.
And we are what we eat.
What does that mean?
Nothing. No, it's just that I'm totally
out of my depth right now.
Look, we'd better get going
because it's getting late.
- Hmm?
- Oh, I thought we weren't
If I had to rule out every chauvinist pig
I came across, my hymen would grow back.
- Let's go.
- [chuckles]
Wait.
[moaning]
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Just oral sex, okay?
Uh, really?
I'm sorry, but for me,
all penetration counts as rape.
Oh, uh sure.
Uh, okay, on it.
Mm. [chuckles]
Santi.
- [Santi] Mmm.
- It it was just a joke.
But now that you're down there [inhales]
[sighs]
[door closes]
[muffled pop music playing]
Honey, why are you honey?
- [typing]
- [Santi] Honey.
Why are you awake so late?
I wanted to talk to you.
With me? What's up?
Dad, one depressive at home is fine,
but not two.
[Santi] Huh?
Your friend, he's holed up in your room.
He's been crying all night.
What? Raúl's crying?
- What's going on?
- Well, I don't know.
You're friends.
Don't you talk about things?
Talk about things? No.
You're all so weird.
Did you score with Lorena at least?
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Hey, you think I'm a chauvinist?
That's a yes.
Attention, beauty alert.
With this fabulous new
Francesca Fabbretti eye contour,
my crow's feet are a thing of the past.
Look here. You have to try it, ladies.
- I'm telling you, it's incredi
- Crow's feet, what's that?
She made 2,000 for that.
She's earning more than you.
My job is a vocation. I save lives.
You mean, like, when you hold
the stop sign at the crosswalk?
Hey, you guys,
why do we never talk about things?
What are we doing now?
No, I mean, fuck, uh,
you know, well, talk about our concerns,
about our feelings and stuff.
I don't know.
What we're really worried about.
- Huh?
- I'd stop hanging out if we did that.
Uh, last night you were crying.
Something must've happened.
- Me?
- [Santi] Hmm.
Must've been the TV.
[chuckles]
And you. How do you feel after getting
fired in such a humiliating way?
- I feel fucking great. Can't you tell?
- [Santi chuckles]
- You get unemployment?
- No way I'm signing up.
That's for losers, man.
Right now I don't have
any issues that are that important.
Last night I was browsing the Internet,
and the term
for what's happening to you now
is toxic masculinity.
Well, let's balance our pH then.
Another beer?
- [Raúl chuckles]
- [sighs]
Well, there is something
I wanna talk about.
Good.
Raúl, good, tell us.
What is it, buddy? Open up.
Luz no longer wants my assets in her name.
- [Santi] Hmm.
- So, do any of you guys wanna help me out?
- Patricia, what's the matter with you?
- Sorry. I lost control of the robot.
[huffs] She loses more drones
than the Americans in Afghanistan.
Nobody answered my question.
- [Santi] Uh, beer? Yes. Yes, please.
- [Raúl groans]
[theme music playing]