Am I Being Unreasonable? (2022) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
1
Hello, mate! Hello, Mummy!
Oh, Ollie's going to be so relieved.
Thank you, Mother.
What happened?
- It was an affair.
You had a lot to chat about, then?
What did I say to you?
You're just going to absolutely
drive yourself mad.
Who's that boy?
And that girl
I would never, ever tell anyone.
I think you're amazing,
and I think I'm in love with you.
That's my coat.
This one?
I love you in this coat.
I know you
Yeah.
You've got something
that belongs to us.
Mm-hm
Hmm.
Do you know what I fantasise
about the most?
Doing a Sunday big shop with you.
It's always been you.
Come back to mine.
We can have a bath together.
I can see what you're doing.
Hello?
Say hello.
Hello.
Security?
My coat.
That's my coat.
Dan. Mm?
You seen my coat?
Fucking hell No.
I didn't leave it at
the village hall, did I?
What what you doing?
Just go to sleep.
Dan, you must have seen it
somewhere. Oh, Nic!
Oh, my God!
Fuck's sake!
What's that smell?
Christ!
Mr Meowgi
Who the fuck are you, then?
What?
It's nice having Mr Meowgi back,
though, isn't it?
Yeah.
Really nice having him back.
Happy to have him back?
Uh, Dad?
Mum's being weird.
Yeah, well, Mum's always weird.
But you are happy to have him back?
Jesus, Nick, it's nice
having him back,
but you're talking about him
like he's Nelson Mandela.
I mean, have you seen what
the little bastard's done
to the back door?
You little bastard!
OK.
Right, I'm off.
All right. What time you back?
What are you, time police? Six.
OK, then. Love you.
Love you. See you.
OK, seriously, can you actually
stop staring now?
It's a bit creepy.
Do you see things in
black and white
or do you see things in colour?
What?
Mummy needs to know, OK?
You're going absolutely insane, OK?
That's my coat. What?
That's my coat.
Mum
Hey!
That IS my coat!
Mum! Oi, stop! That's my coat!
Mum? Mum!
Hey! Mum, what are you doing?
Mum! Come back,
you coat-stealing bastard!
Mum Mum, what you doing?
Speak to me.
Just go in.
And don't kill anyone.
Well, I think it'll be fun,
you'll enjoy it.
I'm really not sure how I feel
about you signing me up
without my permission.
Opa!
Good luck!
Oi, babes.
You'll never guess what.
This bozo's signed us up
for the mums netball team.
I knew it was you.
Have you got one glove on?
Why have you got my coat on?
You look like Michael Jackson!
The coat went missing from my house.
Hey Then I turn up here
and you're wearing my coat.
No, no Ladies. Ladies?
I bought this coat because I saw
Michelle Keegan wearing it
in Heat magazine. I cannot believe
you've done this to me.
Well, you should believe
It's my coat. Ladies, ladies
I want my coat back. Oh, my God.
Nick, calm down.
Give me my coat back.
Hey. I want my coat back!
It's not your coat!
Let me look in the pocket, then!
Nick, Nick, Nick.
You cannot behave like this.
Bitch! Come on.
What? Get off me!
Are you all right? Did she hurt you?
No, no
Goodness
Stop all the clocks
Cut off the telephone
Prevent the dog from barking
with a juicy bone
I can't remember the rest, so
The sentiment's there.
You were a great cat
You sat on the mat
It's a shame you never
wore a hat?
Amen. I mean
Fuck!
Fuck! Shit!
Morning.
Oh, hi, Malcolm.
I think there's a package
for you at ours.
I don't know. If I took a guess,
it's probably
reams of printer paper. Oh.
I'm not picking up to, you psycho.
Why are you ringing me?
Hey!
Oh. Hi!
What the fuck?
Sorry. I was knocking for a while,
but didn't get an answer.
Ooh! You having a bonfire?
I'm burning the cat.
OK. Well, I-I didn't want
to intrude.
I just had to make sure you were OK.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Really? Yeah.
So, what happened at school
earlier with Jen
Yeah, I lost my temper. I know.
No, no, no, no.
We all do sometimes.
Look, for what it's worth
I think you were
totally justified.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, I don't know the details.
I don't know her as well
as you do, but
Ooh. Erm What?
Oh, I don't want to be
unkind to her.
You are going to be unkind,
because you just said,
"I don't want to be unkind,"
which means that you're going
to be unkind, so just be unkind.
What were you going to say?
OK, the thing is, Nick,
I just get this innate feeling
Yes?
That she's a massive slag.
Wow And the way she behaves
around Mr Graham, I just
I'm not convinced that she's
a woman's woman.
Do you know what I mean?
OK, OK, OK.
Uh, appreciate you coming over
and, you know..
Yeah, OK. Well, uh
Oh, yes. Whilst I remember, erm
Alex's memorial's coming up,
isn't it?
Yeah. I know how incredibly
difficult these things can be.
So, if you need me to make
a quiche, I
No. No-one likes quiche.
No? No.
Not even people that frequent
National Trust cafes.
I don't This is mad.
No.
OK.
Actually, while I've got you, can
I just ask for one more tiny thing?
I have now signed up to
an open mic night in London
to try out a bit of stand-up comedy.
So, if I've got a bit of a
supportive audience around,
maybe I could try out a bit of
my routine at the memorial
and add some light relief?
Are you joking?
Well, it's up to you to decide
what's appropriate for your family.
I I will get off, though.
All right.
Do you know, actually,
physical comedy is my strength,
so, erm
Beep!
That was a lift.
Go!
Thank you.
Jesus wept.
Oh, oh!
Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!
I'm so sorry. I haven't seen
anything.
It's OK, Viv. Can you just?
I'm sorry again.
Can you just? Yeah, leave.
I don't why I'm standing here
Can you go, please?! I am.
I'm leaving now, I'm leaving now.
Bye! Yep. Oh
Jesus Christ!
Viv, are you still here?
Yeah, I'm still here.
Viv, thank you.
It's immaculate.
It's all right.
You don't have to thank me.
Oh, even bleached the sink, as well.
Yep. Oh, God!
Oh. And I finally found the remote
for the surround sound.
Oh, brilliant. Thank you, Viv.
Guess where it was?
No idea.
It was Guess.
Oh. Uh
Somewhere obvious. Behind the sofa?
No.
By the TV? No.
Guess again? Yeah.
I don't know. Up my arse? No.
In a shoe.
That is mad.
Yeah, mental.
Oh, and also, I got your
coat at the dry cleaners.
I think they've done a really
good job at getting rid
of the negative energy.
I'm sure it was haunted.
Oh, no Mm, yeah.
Oh, no!
Fuck's sake!
Oh
I'm such a twat!
Oh, Nick. Is it still there?
I'm Listen.
Just stop it, OK?
Stop it now!
Just cross over, all right?
Because we do not want you here.
Who are you talking to?
Oh
Well, he was a Roman,
but now he's just an arsehole!
OK.
Yeah. I need to find Jen.
Oh, Nick
Uh, Nick, also,
can I have cash today?
Why? Well, just because, you know,
the cheques, they're all
You don't want to pay tax?
Not really, no.
OK. Fine. I mean
Who does?
Oh
Is, erm, Jen still here?
"Oh, sorry I'm late, Ollie."
Oh. Sorry I'm late, Ollie.
Has she already picked up Harry?
She picked him up ages ago.
Oh, God, that's so annoying!
I just wanted to talk to her.
Come on. You and I need to
have a chat.
Uh, Denholm keeps asking
if he can come round.
I don't want him to,
and I don't know what to say.
Well, just say that the asbestos
is growing back.
Asbestos. Quickly, though.
Yes, Mum.
Oh, my
Nick. Hi.
Lucy, please. I just can't deal
with you right now.
I want to get my norks done.
I'm sorry, what? What?
My yabbos, my honkers.
because men like big hooters,
don't they?
Well, David does, anyway.
I just!
I don't have time for this!
I'm trying these out, OK?
What have you stuffed those with?
Careful. Wait, wait, wait.
Look, look. Just have a look.
This is a bath bomb.
Oh, my God.
And that is a magic eight ball
that I won at a raffle.
Yeah? Hmm?
Just be honest,
tell me what do you think.
Do you really want to know
what I think? Go on.
I think they're both too low.
Right
I think you're a bit nuts.
And I also think you need to start
loving yourself more,
because this vibe is strong. I mean
OK, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've been struggling a bit.
Erm, OK. So, you're saying
just stick with the comedy,
don't worry about any physical
changes for now?
Do I have to choose between
those two?
Comedy, then.
Right, come on, quickly.
Uh-uh. Do not look at Lucy, please.
Whoa
Come on. Out!
Did you just look at them again?!
I'm not. I'm not! I swear.
I found Mr Meowgi.
Yeah, I know.
Won't stop going on about it.
No.
I mean, I found Mr Meowgi
in the wardrobe, mate.
So, I know that you know what I mean
when I say I found Mr Meowgi.
So you better start talking.
I found him in the tumble dryer.
What? What, when?
Uh
Like, Sunday morning.
Oh, my gosh
I think I think he'd fallen
asleep in there.
Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry.
Someone must have shut the door
on him. Oh, my gosh.
You have to talk to me
about these things.
You can't hide stuff like that.
I didn't want to tell you
because I know how much you like him.
Oh Oh, my God.
God!
Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.
I mean
being truthful,
he was a bit of a shit cat.
Yeah.
Yeah, he was a shit cat.
You quite liked saying the word
"shit", then, don't you?
Mm? Yeah. Yeah, a little bit.
Yeah, you did.
I mean, don't make a habit
of it, right? No.
We have we got for dinner
tonight, Mum?
Just hungry.
I want my chicken nuggets.
Have you just manipulated
the death of Mr Meowgi
into you getting a McDonald's?
Manipulate's a strong word
Oh, my gosh.
I mean, clever.
That's actually quite a good tool
to have if you, you know,
want to go into sales
or start a cult.
So, can we? Yes, we can.
Yep, yep.
Christ almighty.
You're just like me,
and that scares me.
Yeah, me too.
You know what, when Dad gets home,
let's do something to cheer you up.
Think of something fun, your choice.
All right.
It's nice just doing this with you.
I feel ridiculous. And cold.
I must look stupid.
You look great.
I sort of fancy you a bit in that.
Do you? Yeah.
Right, get in position.
All right.
Yeah, hang on a second.
We're just doing checks.
Are you all right? No, because
These tights are cutting off the
circulation to my dick and balls.
Oh, God. Let's have a look. Well,
careful, because your hands are cold.
I! No
Well, no, no. Don't
Yes, I'm trying!
Yeah, but I don't want it out.
Well, just rip a hole in them.
I don't want to, because I want
to keep it all tucked in
because I want to be method.
Oh, for God's sake. Dad?
I'm taking this serious. We're
losing light! One minute, mate.
Well, I don't get what I'm supposed
to be. What are we doing?
Well, we're just
You know, he's had a bit of a shock.
Mr Meowgi scratched the shit out of
him, and we're just trying
to distract him. I need
What are you doing with
your fingers?
It's called being a director, Dad.
Oh, right.
Did she call, by the way?
Who, Jen?
No. My mum about
the memorial catering.
Jen. You're obsessed.
I told you I owe her a massive
apology, and I haven't done it yet.
I don't understand what your problem
is with her.
She's got she's got a weird
energy. She's got
It give me the heebie jeebies.
Her hair looks like she's constantly
wearing a helmet, as well.
She looks like Lord Farquaad.
Unbelievable.
So, right, this has to be
like a real ghost
You're all askwiff.
So I get loads of hits.
She fancies you. No, she doesn't!
I can tell.
I'm a bloke, I can tell these
things. I know when a woman
Oh, my God!
That is such a typical bloke.
Jen's been bloody good to me.
But because two women
enjoy each other's company
What are you talking about?
You immediately assume that we're
diving on each other's muffs.
I'm sorry, but Kubrick did not
have to put up with this.
Well, she's not into blokes,
I know that.
And if she is into blokes, it's just
because she wants to get to the wife,
and the wife's titties and fanny.
Oh, God. That does remind me
This is ridiculous.
I do have to shave my fanny.
Yeah, you I'm sorry about it.
It's just been a very long winter.
You're like Leo Sayer down there.
All right. Oh, my God!
Why do you think
I've not been visiting?
Right.
Behind the stone, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, by the way, have you called
Suze about the memorial invites?
No, I've been a bit busy,
so I will call Suze.
Well, call her. I will.
Do, though. You won't.
Just do it. I will.
I'll call her.
OK, and turning.
Ready?
Action!
What?
Up. Now you're meant to get up.
How long's this going to take, mate?
Uh
No more than one or two hours,
I would've thought.
Actually, can we just, like,
release the balls, then?
because it Oh, fine.
Release the balls!
Release the balls. I did say.
This is fun.
One word. Yeah.
OK?
Chin.
What, is it a film, book?
Nanny. Nanny?
Oh, what, your nan?
What are you doing? Mary Poppins.
You all right, Mum?
She's having a turn.
Erm Oh, what is?
Are you actually playing the game?
Or are you trying to genuinely
tell us something?
What are you doing?
What is that?
Uh, what other films?
I can't
Shrek! How is that Shrek?
Why aren't you getting that?
That didn't even look like Shrek.
It's not my fault
she's bad at acting.
I thought you liked Shrek.
I thought it was just Mum,
to be honest.
I'm, uh just going to pop out
and get some wine,
and see if Jen's in.
Really? Want anything?
Uh, wine. Wine's good, yeah.
You don't have to apologise
to her, you know?
Listen, Lauren, I was a bad way
because I'd just come back from
football, and I was jet-lagged.
Then Darren said that Dean that
the only reason Dean came to see me
is because Dad's got BT Sport
at our house.
Why doesn't he just get
a Fire Stick?
They're only, like, 20 quid (850 baht).
You owe me £1.15 (50 baht) for those
Dunkers, Lauren. What?!
But I don't have £1.15 (50 baht)!
That's not my problem, Lauren.
Right.
Find your cat yet?
Oh, yeah.
You can take that poster down.
Know what, I Can I?
I shouldn't have to fucking
stand for this.
Did Darren say whether Dean
said anything last night?
About what?
Hello? About me.
Well, I don't know. Ahem!
Well, can you message Darren
and ask? OK.
Hello!
Hello?
What are you saying? Just asking
him if Dean said anything
about you last night. Hello!
No, don't say it like that.
Can I just pay for these?
Say, like, "How was Dean last
night?" OK.
Oh, my God.
Ahem!
Sorry, I've just got some wine
and vodka, and then
What did you say?
"How was Dean last night?"
No, nothing.
Oh!
What did he say?
He said he wasn't with Dean
last night.
Ahem. Sorry. Hello?
Has he been on Instagram?
Can I get a bag for these, please?
He was active 13 minutes ago.
Has he posted anything new?
Not since he shared the Ladbible
video What's the point?
The man who put the firework
rocket between his arse cheeks.
Who's liked it? Everyone.
Just putting them in.
Just stealing things, by the way.
Trevor. Who else?
Rob. Who else? I'm not even going
to bother paying for them.
Who else? Trina Johnson.
Christ.
Wait, no, that's OK.
That's his mum. Who else?
Sarah. Sarah.
Uh, Dean's definitely
shagging Sarah.
Fucking Sarah.
And your shop's on fire!
No, you know what, like
Just take a photo of me, like,
as if I'm having a good time, OK?
OK. Just
Smile, Kelly.
Jen, I know I've been
a massive wanker
I've brought some vodka
Jen, I'm sorry.
I've been a massive wanker
Was that a hawk?
Jen?
Jesus Christ.
Jen, are you all right?
Hi, can we come in?
Nic's not in. That's all right,
we can wait for Nick. That's fine.
Hi, Jen. Hi, Ollie.
Hi, Harry, you all right?
Do you want to play with
Harry upstairs? Yeah?
Dan, why don't you take the kids up
and I'll wait down here?
I know my way around.
Jen?
Uh, I know I've been
a massive wanker,
but I got some vodka from the shop
and a Take A Break magazine,
because it's got a story in there about
a half man-half prawn.
Oh, fuck!
Oh
I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
What the fuck is going on?
Silly old bit
Oh! God!
My goodness!
You must be Jen's mum.
Who? Jen who lives here.
No. I live here,
and I have done for 38 years.
Ever since our big move
from Barnstable.
I'm sorry, I Derek changed jobs,
I'd just had Alice.
Could I just stop you here? I-I
Jen, I've seen She lives
I've seen her here.
Who's Jen?
Erm Jen? This is Jen.
That's not Jen.
That's Katya!
Oh
She is an absolute fruitcake.
And by the looks of things,
I can safely assume you are too.
Half prawn, did you say?
I'll have that.
The fuck?
Who's Katya?
Thought you looked like you could
use a drink.
I don't know if Nick likes red wine,
but I know you do.
Ha.
It's not funny, Dan.
I know it's not funny.
Erm Look, I want to talk to you
about Nick.
She was really upset at school
earlier, and I don't know what's
going on with that, and I've tried
calling and I tried texting,
and she's not answering me.
So, I want to know what's going on.
Do you know what's wrong with her?
She annoyed at me, or something?
Yes.
OK.
And why Why would that be?
Do you know why?
Well, I mean, yeah. We've spoken.
What have you said?
Uh
That's between me and my wife,
innit? No, tell me.
Tell me what you said.
I mean, is this really the way
you want to play it, Dan?
All they had was that prosecco
that tastes like fizzy piss. Just
But I'll drink Nick, there's
someone here to see you.
Please don't refer to your knob
in the third person, Dan.
It's vile.
Hi.
What are you doing here?
I felt really shit about earlier,
and I don't want to fall out
with you over a coat, Nick.
Seems silly. Hey, are you OK?
Is everything all right, Nick?
Yeah. Can you just give us
a minute, Dan?
Yeah.
OK. Shall I go upstairs with
the boys and play VR?
Sure.
Too much raging oestrogen down
here Read the room, Dan.
Yeah.
Look, I didn't take it.
I've bought the receipt round,
if you want to see.
I went to your house earlier,
and not only were you not there,
you don't even live there, do you?
What?
Well, regardless of how mad
all this is, yeah?
because this is mental!
Who is Katya? I don't
I don't know what you're
Who's Katya? Just answer me that.
I-I can't
Who the fuck are you, Jen?
Or should I even call you Jen?
I don't know why you're doing
this Do you know what, I'm upset
because I actually consider you
one of my close friends.
I know I don't have many friends.
But you have come into
my inner circle, yeah?
And I've told you shit that
I've never told anyone else.
And I know fuck all about you
That's
other than the fact that
you hate Kings Of Leon.
I do hate Kings Of Leon.
Who are you?!
Do you know what,
I went round to your house
to fucking apologise to you.
Is that?
Sorry, is that your phone ringing?
Yeah.
Is that Blazin' Squad?
Yeah.
Is that Love On The Line
by Blazin' Squad? Yeah.
You're not going to answer that.
I have to.
Hello? Oh, my God!
OK.
Are you kidding me? OK. Yeah?
OK, I'm going to leave now.
I'm on my way, OK?
I, erm
I need you to look after Harry
for me for a couple of hours.
Are you kidding? I'll be
You're not going. I'll be
as quick as I can
Jen! Where are you going?
Are you still there?
Jen! Just stay on the phone, OK?
Just stay on the phone.
I'll be as quick as I can, OK? Jen!
Jen! Just stay where you are, OK?
Jen!
Hello, mate! Hello, Mummy!
Oh, Ollie's going to be so relieved.
Thank you, Mother.
What happened?
- It was an affair.
You had a lot to chat about, then?
What did I say to you?
You're just going to absolutely
drive yourself mad.
Who's that boy?
And that girl
I would never, ever tell anyone.
I think you're amazing,
and I think I'm in love with you.
That's my coat.
This one?
I love you in this coat.
I know you
Yeah.
You've got something
that belongs to us.
Mm-hm
Hmm.
Do you know what I fantasise
about the most?
Doing a Sunday big shop with you.
It's always been you.
Come back to mine.
We can have a bath together.
I can see what you're doing.
Hello?
Say hello.
Hello.
Security?
My coat.
That's my coat.
Dan. Mm?
You seen my coat?
Fucking hell No.
I didn't leave it at
the village hall, did I?
What what you doing?
Just go to sleep.
Dan, you must have seen it
somewhere. Oh, Nic!
Oh, my God!
Fuck's sake!
What's that smell?
Christ!
Mr Meowgi
Who the fuck are you, then?
What?
It's nice having Mr Meowgi back,
though, isn't it?
Yeah.
Really nice having him back.
Happy to have him back?
Uh, Dad?
Mum's being weird.
Yeah, well, Mum's always weird.
But you are happy to have him back?
Jesus, Nick, it's nice
having him back,
but you're talking about him
like he's Nelson Mandela.
I mean, have you seen what
the little bastard's done
to the back door?
You little bastard!
OK.
Right, I'm off.
All right. What time you back?
What are you, time police? Six.
OK, then. Love you.
Love you. See you.
OK, seriously, can you actually
stop staring now?
It's a bit creepy.
Do you see things in
black and white
or do you see things in colour?
What?
Mummy needs to know, OK?
You're going absolutely insane, OK?
That's my coat. What?
That's my coat.
Mum
Hey!
That IS my coat!
Mum! Oi, stop! That's my coat!
Mum? Mum!
Hey! Mum, what are you doing?
Mum! Come back,
you coat-stealing bastard!
Mum Mum, what you doing?
Speak to me.
Just go in.
And don't kill anyone.
Well, I think it'll be fun,
you'll enjoy it.
I'm really not sure how I feel
about you signing me up
without my permission.
Opa!
Good luck!
Oi, babes.
You'll never guess what.
This bozo's signed us up
for the mums netball team.
I knew it was you.
Have you got one glove on?
Why have you got my coat on?
You look like Michael Jackson!
The coat went missing from my house.
Hey Then I turn up here
and you're wearing my coat.
No, no Ladies. Ladies?
I bought this coat because I saw
Michelle Keegan wearing it
in Heat magazine. I cannot believe
you've done this to me.
Well, you should believe
It's my coat. Ladies, ladies
I want my coat back. Oh, my God.
Nick, calm down.
Give me my coat back.
Hey. I want my coat back!
It's not your coat!
Let me look in the pocket, then!
Nick, Nick, Nick.
You cannot behave like this.
Bitch! Come on.
What? Get off me!
Are you all right? Did she hurt you?
No, no
Goodness
Stop all the clocks
Cut off the telephone
Prevent the dog from barking
with a juicy bone
I can't remember the rest, so
The sentiment's there.
You were a great cat
You sat on the mat
It's a shame you never
wore a hat?
Amen. I mean
Fuck!
Fuck! Shit!
Morning.
Oh, hi, Malcolm.
I think there's a package
for you at ours.
I don't know. If I took a guess,
it's probably
reams of printer paper. Oh.
I'm not picking up to, you psycho.
Why are you ringing me?
Hey!
Oh. Hi!
What the fuck?
Sorry. I was knocking for a while,
but didn't get an answer.
Ooh! You having a bonfire?
I'm burning the cat.
OK. Well, I-I didn't want
to intrude.
I just had to make sure you were OK.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Really? Yeah.
So, what happened at school
earlier with Jen
Yeah, I lost my temper. I know.
No, no, no, no.
We all do sometimes.
Look, for what it's worth
I think you were
totally justified.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, I don't know the details.
I don't know her as well
as you do, but
Ooh. Erm What?
Oh, I don't want to be
unkind to her.
You are going to be unkind,
because you just said,
"I don't want to be unkind,"
which means that you're going
to be unkind, so just be unkind.
What were you going to say?
OK, the thing is, Nick,
I just get this innate feeling
Yes?
That she's a massive slag.
Wow And the way she behaves
around Mr Graham, I just
I'm not convinced that she's
a woman's woman.
Do you know what I mean?
OK, OK, OK.
Uh, appreciate you coming over
and, you know..
Yeah, OK. Well, uh
Oh, yes. Whilst I remember, erm
Alex's memorial's coming up,
isn't it?
Yeah. I know how incredibly
difficult these things can be.
So, if you need me to make
a quiche, I
No. No-one likes quiche.
No? No.
Not even people that frequent
National Trust cafes.
I don't This is mad.
No.
OK.
Actually, while I've got you, can
I just ask for one more tiny thing?
I have now signed up to
an open mic night in London
to try out a bit of stand-up comedy.
So, if I've got a bit of a
supportive audience around,
maybe I could try out a bit of
my routine at the memorial
and add some light relief?
Are you joking?
Well, it's up to you to decide
what's appropriate for your family.
I I will get off, though.
All right.
Do you know, actually,
physical comedy is my strength,
so, erm
Beep!
That was a lift.
Go!
Thank you.
Jesus wept.
Oh, oh!
Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!
I'm so sorry. I haven't seen
anything.
It's OK, Viv. Can you just?
I'm sorry again.
Can you just? Yeah, leave.
I don't why I'm standing here
Can you go, please?! I am.
I'm leaving now, I'm leaving now.
Bye! Yep. Oh
Jesus Christ!
Viv, are you still here?
Yeah, I'm still here.
Viv, thank you.
It's immaculate.
It's all right.
You don't have to thank me.
Oh, even bleached the sink, as well.
Yep. Oh, God!
Oh. And I finally found the remote
for the surround sound.
Oh, brilliant. Thank you, Viv.
Guess where it was?
No idea.
It was Guess.
Oh. Uh
Somewhere obvious. Behind the sofa?
No.
By the TV? No.
Guess again? Yeah.
I don't know. Up my arse? No.
In a shoe.
That is mad.
Yeah, mental.
Oh, and also, I got your
coat at the dry cleaners.
I think they've done a really
good job at getting rid
of the negative energy.
I'm sure it was haunted.
Oh, no Mm, yeah.
Oh, no!
Fuck's sake!
Oh
I'm such a twat!
Oh, Nick. Is it still there?
I'm Listen.
Just stop it, OK?
Stop it now!
Just cross over, all right?
Because we do not want you here.
Who are you talking to?
Oh
Well, he was a Roman,
but now he's just an arsehole!
OK.
Yeah. I need to find Jen.
Oh, Nick
Uh, Nick, also,
can I have cash today?
Why? Well, just because, you know,
the cheques, they're all
You don't want to pay tax?
Not really, no.
OK. Fine. I mean
Who does?
Oh
Is, erm, Jen still here?
"Oh, sorry I'm late, Ollie."
Oh. Sorry I'm late, Ollie.
Has she already picked up Harry?
She picked him up ages ago.
Oh, God, that's so annoying!
I just wanted to talk to her.
Come on. You and I need to
have a chat.
Uh, Denholm keeps asking
if he can come round.
I don't want him to,
and I don't know what to say.
Well, just say that the asbestos
is growing back.
Asbestos. Quickly, though.
Yes, Mum.
Oh, my
Nick. Hi.
Lucy, please. I just can't deal
with you right now.
I want to get my norks done.
I'm sorry, what? What?
My yabbos, my honkers.
because men like big hooters,
don't they?
Well, David does, anyway.
I just!
I don't have time for this!
I'm trying these out, OK?
What have you stuffed those with?
Careful. Wait, wait, wait.
Look, look. Just have a look.
This is a bath bomb.
Oh, my God.
And that is a magic eight ball
that I won at a raffle.
Yeah? Hmm?
Just be honest,
tell me what do you think.
Do you really want to know
what I think? Go on.
I think they're both too low.
Right
I think you're a bit nuts.
And I also think you need to start
loving yourself more,
because this vibe is strong. I mean
OK, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've been struggling a bit.
Erm, OK. So, you're saying
just stick with the comedy,
don't worry about any physical
changes for now?
Do I have to choose between
those two?
Comedy, then.
Right, come on, quickly.
Uh-uh. Do not look at Lucy, please.
Whoa
Come on. Out!
Did you just look at them again?!
I'm not. I'm not! I swear.
I found Mr Meowgi.
Yeah, I know.
Won't stop going on about it.
No.
I mean, I found Mr Meowgi
in the wardrobe, mate.
So, I know that you know what I mean
when I say I found Mr Meowgi.
So you better start talking.
I found him in the tumble dryer.
What? What, when?
Uh
Like, Sunday morning.
Oh, my gosh
I think I think he'd fallen
asleep in there.
Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry.
Someone must have shut the door
on him. Oh, my gosh.
You have to talk to me
about these things.
You can't hide stuff like that.
I didn't want to tell you
because I know how much you like him.
Oh Oh, my God.
God!
Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.
I mean
being truthful,
he was a bit of a shit cat.
Yeah.
Yeah, he was a shit cat.
You quite liked saying the word
"shit", then, don't you?
Mm? Yeah. Yeah, a little bit.
Yeah, you did.
I mean, don't make a habit
of it, right? No.
We have we got for dinner
tonight, Mum?
Just hungry.
I want my chicken nuggets.
Have you just manipulated
the death of Mr Meowgi
into you getting a McDonald's?
Manipulate's a strong word
Oh, my gosh.
I mean, clever.
That's actually quite a good tool
to have if you, you know,
want to go into sales
or start a cult.
So, can we? Yes, we can.
Yep, yep.
Christ almighty.
You're just like me,
and that scares me.
Yeah, me too.
You know what, when Dad gets home,
let's do something to cheer you up.
Think of something fun, your choice.
All right.
It's nice just doing this with you.
I feel ridiculous. And cold.
I must look stupid.
You look great.
I sort of fancy you a bit in that.
Do you? Yeah.
Right, get in position.
All right.
Yeah, hang on a second.
We're just doing checks.
Are you all right? No, because
These tights are cutting off the
circulation to my dick and balls.
Oh, God. Let's have a look. Well,
careful, because your hands are cold.
I! No
Well, no, no. Don't
Yes, I'm trying!
Yeah, but I don't want it out.
Well, just rip a hole in them.
I don't want to, because I want
to keep it all tucked in
because I want to be method.
Oh, for God's sake. Dad?
I'm taking this serious. We're
losing light! One minute, mate.
Well, I don't get what I'm supposed
to be. What are we doing?
Well, we're just
You know, he's had a bit of a shock.
Mr Meowgi scratched the shit out of
him, and we're just trying
to distract him. I need
What are you doing with
your fingers?
It's called being a director, Dad.
Oh, right.
Did she call, by the way?
Who, Jen?
No. My mum about
the memorial catering.
Jen. You're obsessed.
I told you I owe her a massive
apology, and I haven't done it yet.
I don't understand what your problem
is with her.
She's got she's got a weird
energy. She's got
It give me the heebie jeebies.
Her hair looks like she's constantly
wearing a helmet, as well.
She looks like Lord Farquaad.
Unbelievable.
So, right, this has to be
like a real ghost
You're all askwiff.
So I get loads of hits.
She fancies you. No, she doesn't!
I can tell.
I'm a bloke, I can tell these
things. I know when a woman
Oh, my God!
That is such a typical bloke.
Jen's been bloody good to me.
But because two women
enjoy each other's company
What are you talking about?
You immediately assume that we're
diving on each other's muffs.
I'm sorry, but Kubrick did not
have to put up with this.
Well, she's not into blokes,
I know that.
And if she is into blokes, it's just
because she wants to get to the wife,
and the wife's titties and fanny.
Oh, God. That does remind me
This is ridiculous.
I do have to shave my fanny.
Yeah, you I'm sorry about it.
It's just been a very long winter.
You're like Leo Sayer down there.
All right. Oh, my God!
Why do you think
I've not been visiting?
Right.
Behind the stone, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, by the way, have you called
Suze about the memorial invites?
No, I've been a bit busy,
so I will call Suze.
Well, call her. I will.
Do, though. You won't.
Just do it. I will.
I'll call her.
OK, and turning.
Ready?
Action!
What?
Up. Now you're meant to get up.
How long's this going to take, mate?
Uh
No more than one or two hours,
I would've thought.
Actually, can we just, like,
release the balls, then?
because it Oh, fine.
Release the balls!
Release the balls. I did say.
This is fun.
One word. Yeah.
OK?
Chin.
What, is it a film, book?
Nanny. Nanny?
Oh, what, your nan?
What are you doing? Mary Poppins.
You all right, Mum?
She's having a turn.
Erm Oh, what is?
Are you actually playing the game?
Or are you trying to genuinely
tell us something?
What are you doing?
What is that?
Uh, what other films?
I can't
Shrek! How is that Shrek?
Why aren't you getting that?
That didn't even look like Shrek.
It's not my fault
she's bad at acting.
I thought you liked Shrek.
I thought it was just Mum,
to be honest.
I'm, uh just going to pop out
and get some wine,
and see if Jen's in.
Really? Want anything?
Uh, wine. Wine's good, yeah.
You don't have to apologise
to her, you know?
Listen, Lauren, I was a bad way
because I'd just come back from
football, and I was jet-lagged.
Then Darren said that Dean that
the only reason Dean came to see me
is because Dad's got BT Sport
at our house.
Why doesn't he just get
a Fire Stick?
They're only, like, 20 quid (850 baht).
You owe me £1.15 (50 baht) for those
Dunkers, Lauren. What?!
But I don't have £1.15 (50 baht)!
That's not my problem, Lauren.
Right.
Find your cat yet?
Oh, yeah.
You can take that poster down.
Know what, I Can I?
I shouldn't have to fucking
stand for this.
Did Darren say whether Dean
said anything last night?
About what?
Hello? About me.
Well, I don't know. Ahem!
Well, can you message Darren
and ask? OK.
Hello!
Hello?
What are you saying? Just asking
him if Dean said anything
about you last night. Hello!
No, don't say it like that.
Can I just pay for these?
Say, like, "How was Dean last
night?" OK.
Oh, my God.
Ahem!
Sorry, I've just got some wine
and vodka, and then
What did you say?
"How was Dean last night?"
No, nothing.
Oh!
What did he say?
He said he wasn't with Dean
last night.
Ahem. Sorry. Hello?
Has he been on Instagram?
Can I get a bag for these, please?
He was active 13 minutes ago.
Has he posted anything new?
Not since he shared the Ladbible
video What's the point?
The man who put the firework
rocket between his arse cheeks.
Who's liked it? Everyone.
Just putting them in.
Just stealing things, by the way.
Trevor. Who else?
Rob. Who else? I'm not even going
to bother paying for them.
Who else? Trina Johnson.
Christ.
Wait, no, that's OK.
That's his mum. Who else?
Sarah. Sarah.
Uh, Dean's definitely
shagging Sarah.
Fucking Sarah.
And your shop's on fire!
No, you know what, like
Just take a photo of me, like,
as if I'm having a good time, OK?
OK. Just
Smile, Kelly.
Jen, I know I've been
a massive wanker
I've brought some vodka
Jen, I'm sorry.
I've been a massive wanker
Was that a hawk?
Jen?
Jesus Christ.
Jen, are you all right?
Hi, can we come in?
Nic's not in. That's all right,
we can wait for Nick. That's fine.
Hi, Jen. Hi, Ollie.
Hi, Harry, you all right?
Do you want to play with
Harry upstairs? Yeah?
Dan, why don't you take the kids up
and I'll wait down here?
I know my way around.
Jen?
Uh, I know I've been
a massive wanker,
but I got some vodka from the shop
and a Take A Break magazine,
because it's got a story in there about
a half man-half prawn.
Oh, fuck!
Oh
I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
What the fuck is going on?
Silly old bit
Oh! God!
My goodness!
You must be Jen's mum.
Who? Jen who lives here.
No. I live here,
and I have done for 38 years.
Ever since our big move
from Barnstable.
I'm sorry, I Derek changed jobs,
I'd just had Alice.
Could I just stop you here? I-I
Jen, I've seen She lives
I've seen her here.
Who's Jen?
Erm Jen? This is Jen.
That's not Jen.
That's Katya!
Oh
She is an absolute fruitcake.
And by the looks of things,
I can safely assume you are too.
Half prawn, did you say?
I'll have that.
The fuck?
Who's Katya?
Thought you looked like you could
use a drink.
I don't know if Nick likes red wine,
but I know you do.
Ha.
It's not funny, Dan.
I know it's not funny.
Erm Look, I want to talk to you
about Nick.
She was really upset at school
earlier, and I don't know what's
going on with that, and I've tried
calling and I tried texting,
and she's not answering me.
So, I want to know what's going on.
Do you know what's wrong with her?
She annoyed at me, or something?
Yes.
OK.
And why Why would that be?
Do you know why?
Well, I mean, yeah. We've spoken.
What have you said?
Uh
That's between me and my wife,
innit? No, tell me.
Tell me what you said.
I mean, is this really the way
you want to play it, Dan?
All they had was that prosecco
that tastes like fizzy piss. Just
But I'll drink Nick, there's
someone here to see you.
Please don't refer to your knob
in the third person, Dan.
It's vile.
Hi.
What are you doing here?
I felt really shit about earlier,
and I don't want to fall out
with you over a coat, Nick.
Seems silly. Hey, are you OK?
Is everything all right, Nick?
Yeah. Can you just give us
a minute, Dan?
Yeah.
OK. Shall I go upstairs with
the boys and play VR?
Sure.
Too much raging oestrogen down
here Read the room, Dan.
Yeah.
Look, I didn't take it.
I've bought the receipt round,
if you want to see.
I went to your house earlier,
and not only were you not there,
you don't even live there, do you?
What?
Well, regardless of how mad
all this is, yeah?
because this is mental!
Who is Katya? I don't
I don't know what you're
Who's Katya? Just answer me that.
I-I can't
Who the fuck are you, Jen?
Or should I even call you Jen?
I don't know why you're doing
this Do you know what, I'm upset
because I actually consider you
one of my close friends.
I know I don't have many friends.
But you have come into
my inner circle, yeah?
And I've told you shit that
I've never told anyone else.
And I know fuck all about you
That's
other than the fact that
you hate Kings Of Leon.
I do hate Kings Of Leon.
Who are you?!
Do you know what,
I went round to your house
to fucking apologise to you.
Is that?
Sorry, is that your phone ringing?
Yeah.
Is that Blazin' Squad?
Yeah.
Is that Love On The Line
by Blazin' Squad? Yeah.
You're not going to answer that.
I have to.
Hello? Oh, my God!
OK.
Are you kidding me? OK. Yeah?
OK, I'm going to leave now.
I'm on my way, OK?
I, erm
I need you to look after Harry
for me for a couple of hours.
Are you kidding? I'll be
You're not going. I'll be
as quick as I can
Jen! Where are you going?
Are you still there?
Jen! Just stay on the phone, OK?
Just stay on the phone.
I'll be as quick as I can, OK? Jen!
Jen! Just stay where you are, OK?
Jen!