Amandaland (2025) s01e03 Episode Script
New Job
1
Hey, everyone.
I know this is a bit of a departure
from my usual Senuous
lifestyle content - but I just want
to be real with you guys and talk
about something that's
really close to my heart.
Cancer Awareness Week.
VIDEO CONTINUES ON PHONE: Cos I
think it's so easy to sweat the
small stuff, and just forget
about what's really important.
Hey, everyone.
Um, I know this is
a bit of a departure from my usual
Senuous lifestyle content but, um
I just want to be real with you guys
for a second, and talk
I need my car!
My son has a laser tag party
in Beckenham this weekend.
I don't even know where Beckenham
is without my sat nav.
Are you all right?
My ex stopped paying for the lease.
Apparently having a Tesla
is a luxury.
It's a humble EV, for God's sake.
What do I do now?
You could try getting a job.
I have a job, Mal.
I am the face and brains and body
and hair of Senuous -
a rapidly growing
Instagram start-up.
Well, you could try getting a job
that pays in money, and not these
"wellness supplement shakes" that've
been blocking my hallway all week.
See you later.
What's the matter with you?
Come on!
Yeah, but is it a Neelam, Diego?
It has to be a Neelam.
Ref, VAR!
Well, they've got to be in season
somewhere on the planet.
Go back and ask.
Oh, God, our goalie is shite.
Oh, don't say that, Della.
Her mum's a psycho.
Oh, shit, she's looking.
CLEARS THROA
Hey, guys!
Hey.
Everyone looking forward to
Parents' Evening tomorrow?
It's my favourite evening
in the afternoon the whole year.
Yeah. It's kind of like, erm
..Sports Day but for,
er, for boffins.
Oi, Coach! What are we doing?
Right, guys, erm
Anyone else want to
try goalkeeping?
Hi! Sorry we're late.
The cab driver refused to
drive across the grass.
And your card was declined.
Anyway, Della, I can thank you
in person for the stiffie.
I was going to RSVP by post
but now I can say it.
It's a yes from me.
Great.
What's this?
Oh, we're having a soft
launch for Double Shin. Ah!
So we're having a rehearsal lunch
to iron out any of the glitches.
So you're inviting friends
and family?
Yeah, I'd have invited you, Amanda,
but I thought you were busy.
Yeah, thanks, Della.
Yeah, no, I am actually.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Well, you thought right.
Because I am insanely busy
right now.
Yeah, no, I'm in talks
about a possible Senuous co-lab.
What's a co-lab?
It means collaboration.
I always thought that co-lab
sounded like co-labia.
No, it doesn't, Anne.
I was on Link-ed-din in for like,
a second, and this big-shot
interiors firm just begged me
for a meet at their flagship store.
Yeah, I guess it just shows what
a thirst trap my brand is.
God, I'd hate to work for a brand.
Too much hassle.
PHONE RINGS
Oh, hold on, hold on.
Hello? Is it a Neelam?
No, Neelam.
Why do you keep saying Neelam?
It's getting quite annoying.
It's a kind of mango.
Jog on.
Rude.
Well, Amanda,
this is an impressive CV,
but I'm not seeing any retail
experience here.
Yes, just there. Hygge Tygge.
Oh.
I just assumed that was a typo.
No.
That was my
lifestyle store in Chiswick.
Our Insta page actually got
a like from Amanda Holden.
Well, your references look great.
Thank you.
I'm actually quite a humble person,
so writing about myself like that
was a real challenge.
But, as it says in paragraph
five, I embrace challenge.
You wrote your own references?
I've been my own boss
for 15 years.
Which is one of the reasons
why this co-lab is, yeah
You keep using that word, "co-lab",
but what does that mean?
Great question, Daniel, thank you.
Um, what does the word
co-lab mean to me?
I guess I'm looking for a symbiotic
relationship where
I draw on my skills as a
social media entrepreneur
to complement your
..age-old knowledge of kitchens.
And bathrooms.
I started in bathrooms.
Interesting. So you were
..Daniel Kichen's Bathrooms?
Yeah. Then moved into kitchens.
Hence why it's now
Kichen's Bathrooms and Kitchens.
That makes sense.
But a lot of our business
comes from waste disposal units
and boiling water taps now.
Brilliant.
Maybe you could tempt
Amanda Holden into a waste disposal.
Get her up on the wall of fame.
You can make a lot of commission
selling those things. Ah.
You know what, I'm feeling
a lot of synergy in this space.
In the words of
Sir Alan Sugar, "You're hired!"
OK. Yeah.
YOU'RE hired.
Well done.
Hiya.
Hi.
Yeah, they're really playing
the first team here tonight.
Mr Atkins. Ms Patel. Miss Clacy.
Mr Kovacs here on the back two.
Great news, guys.
Senuous is now official
partners with KB&K.
DELLA: What'd she say?
Amanda got her job.
Not a job, Fi. It is a co-lab.
Yeah. No, they basically
bit my hand off to work with me.
The plan is co-lab this year
then go PLC.
Then aim to float myself by 2030.
LOUD BUZZER
What the hell was that, Anne?
It's the timer. You only get
three minutes with each teacher
and they're actually
very strict about it. OK.
Welcome to Squid Games.
It's a dystopian Korean TV show.
I know, Anne.
Loved your approach to expanding
binominals, by the way.
Very nice, yeah.
Sorry, don't mean
to fan girl too much.
It's just, um, I always wanted to
try my hand at teaching myself.
I'm going to give Darius some
additional homework over half term.
It's important he gets a good mark
otherwise he'll have to
repeat the module.
He'll get there - he just needs
a little help with that final 10%.
See? I'm already 80% there.
Jesus.
LOUD BUZZER
Thank you.
"Struggling"?
I just think he might benefit
from you working with him
on his homework over half term.
As you're an accountant.
No, he's the accountant.
I'm a landscape gardener.
He's the biological one.
Ohhh
No, we ain't together.
HE SCOFFS
No!
I mean, I wish!
What?
God, punching a bit above my weight
with this hunk!
I'm just the stepdad.
Yeah, so, I'm more than happy
to tutor Ned over the half term.
No, no, no, it's cool.
I can do this.
Course you can, mate.
Great kid.
Really good grades.
The only thing I would say is that
she should show up to school more.
What did he say?
Morten's nailing it, babe.
Here - it's an invitation
to our restaurant launch.
As an apology from Della for not
being able to make it in person.
Aw, thanks, guys.
Did he just get an invite?
CLEARS THROAT Hm?
I said she's easily distracted.
Well, I think that's the case
for all teenagers, though, right?
What with social media
and hormones and Oh, my God.
Yeah, she does have
a boyfriend now. Oh, my God!
Georgie just needs
to find a little focus,
because it's starting
to affect her schoolwork.
Right. Understood.
I'm wondering if you think, um
BUZZER
I'm sorry, but our session's over.
Yes
The buzzer's gone.
Sorry, just No, "I've started
so I'll finish"?
Next.
Yeah, I know.
That was quite frustrating.
But I think I'm going
to take midterm off.
Do some Anne-rithmatic with Darius.
But, hey, silver linings
because I've always wanted
to be a maths teacher.
Well, I think you'll find you need
a degree to be a teacher.
Oh, yeah, well, I have a PhD
in Chemistry from Imperial, so
Right. Not a degree, though, is it?
Excuse me, young lady.
Where do you think you're going?
To the park with Morten.
No, no, no - you heard Miss Leary.
You need to be studying.
That is what you're
spending your half term doing.
What, because I'm so stupid?
God! I can't believe
you called me stupid!
SHE SIGHS
No judgment from me.
I've got to teach Ned
maths all week.
Sorry, Mal, I don't have time for
this, I've got a co-lab to get to.
Stupid bike.
Um, where's your helmet?
If it's a choice between
brain damage and helmet hair,
I think you know where I stand.
How you getting on, big man?
I don't get it.
Why are these so hard?
All right.
Let's get this done and then
we can go for a Five Guys, yeah?
All right.
4a 3-3a,
2 something 5,
exclamation mark.
This isn't a maths questions,
this is a wifi password.
Right, let's have
a look at the second one.
OK. Plan B.
RINGS BELL
Welcome to Maths Caaaaaaamp!
Thank you so much for doing this,
Anne. You're a life-saver.
The more the merrier. Now come on,
just about to get started.
All right, listen.
Don't tell your mum or JJ, yeah?
HE SIGHS
Mooove!
Christ!
You posh blonde idiot!
Good morning, Amanda.
Daniel!
I was expecting you for nine.
Oh, I was aiming for nine-ish.
You try cycling from So-Ha
to Ea-Wil with a mood board.
Right. Let me put down my thought
collage, and then maybe you could
direct me to the best local
roastery for a decent java.
Let's start with your shirt.
Um, my colour palette
is very much spring-summer
and this is autumn-winter, Daniel.
It is pretty quiet today so do you
want to start with some flyering?
SCOFFING LAUGH
Flyering?
Right, Daniel, flyering's
not in my job description.
Did you read your job description?
No.
Well, it is.
"Pure mathematics is, in its way,
the poetry of logical ideas."
Not my words, guys,
but those of the late great
Albert Einstein.
Here we go, boys.
You know what that is?
That's Euler's Identity.
Beautiful, isn't it?
Einstein was right.
That is poetry.
So, guys
..are we ready to make poetry?
How are you not getting this?!
OK, first you multiply them
by themselves
AND THEN you add them together!
Jesus!
Right.
If we've to do it again,
we'll do it again.
Work out the value of
when P=4 and W=2.
What are you doing? You're supposed
to be at home revising.
Why are you wearing a vest?
It's a camisole.
Don't change the subject.
I'm here to help Morten.
Yeah, Della sent me to go get her
mangos for the restaurant launch
so, you know, she came with me.
Why are you in Willesden anyway?
Queen's Park borders.
I'm meeting some of my team.
I like to get really under
the bonnet when I co-lab.
Anyway, this isn't about me. You
obviously can't be trusted, George.
What are you doing?
I'm calling your grandmother.
She can help supervise you.
Why's that old man waving at you?
Hey!
Oh, men wave at me all the time.
DANIEL: Hello?
It's my burden.
Amanda, can I have a word?
Yes!
Now I'm not going to have a go
at you for taking your top off -
it's a very effective
sales technique -
but I'm not paying you to
stand around on the street gassing.
Do you know who that was?
That was Della Fry's daughter.
What, the chef? Yeah.
What, you know her?
We're close personal friends.
Our daughters are basically
sisters, we're so tight. So
Here, do you think you can you get
Della Fry to endorse
a Sinkliminator?
I mean, she'd look great on my wall.
Err, right
Erm
I don't know if that's something
she'd really go for, Daniel.
Surely she'd do it for
a close personal friend?
Yeah. I mean yes, yeah.
No, I will, I
That's something I will definitely
mention to her, for sure.
DOORBELL
Quick, let me in,
it smells of buses.
I hear you're under house arrest.
So stupid.
What's this?
Selling Sunset. It's about
Californian Estate Agents.
Oh, fantastic.
You'd probably learn more from them
than anything in a boring book,
y'know?
FELICITY CHUCKLES
Hey, Anne. How's it going?
Great, yeah, yeah.
SO fun.
I think we're really getting
somewhere, y'know?
There he is!
Hey, slip me some skin.
Yeah. Going for gold.
All right! So
..same time tomorrow?
Yep.
Oh, for God's sakes!
What are you doing?!
Oh, darling,
I didn't expect you back so soon
Not cool, Mummy. I asked you
to do one thing.
This may be an alien concept to you
but my daughter needs to be
studying.
Not looking like a contoured badger.
You're going to Anne's tomorrow.
Why?!
Gan Gan said you got three
GCSEs and you're doing great.
6, 15, 24, 33
Hey!
Eyes on me, yeah?
So the interval here is 9, but
we're not starting with 9, are we?
So we would express this sequence
as 9n-?
N?
No.
We've been through this.
It's 9n minus what
..is 6?
OK, it's 3! All right, OK?
Clearly it's 3.
The answer they're
looking for is 3.
So the answer you need to
write down, right now, is 3!
It's the nine times tables, less
three! GOD!
Doesn't that feel good?
Actually answering a fecking
question?
Enough is enough.
Question 28.
N=76.
Question 29
What was 28 again?
Keep up!
I just want to finish this homework.
Question 30.
Four to the power of nine. Done.
Do not tell your teacher
I gave you the answers.
Let us never speak of this again.
There is literally nothing
this thing can't obliterate.
And just so you know,
the chef Della Fry?
We're talking to her about
fitting one. OK, thanks.
PHONE BUZZES
Oh.
Fi.
Hi, babe.
Bit short notice, but do you
fancy a lunch at Double Shin?
It's our soft launch today
and there's a bloody tube strike,
so we just need bums on seats.
Oh, well, I'm very touched that
Della asked for me personally.
Oh, er, just out of interest, Fi,
and obviously I can totally
afford it but, er, is it free?
Yeah, yeah. Course.
Oh, great. Erm, OK.
Err, yeah, well, I will call you
back in two minutes.
No problem.
OK.
Oh, Daniel.
Daniel. Hi. Is it all right if I pop
out for the afternoon? I've
Sorry, you've got to man the shop.
Oh, well, I've got this
incredible opportunity
Yeah, look, I'm in St Albans
all afternoon
quoting on a nursing home refurb.
OK, I
Hey, Amanda.
Not happening. I got to go.
Hello.
Fi! Hi.
Err, it's a yes from me.
Hi, Della. Hi!
What are you sniggering at?
Have you seen this logo?
Darling, that definitely
says Double Shit.
Thanks for coming
to our Double Shindigs.
Yeah. Um, who designed the logo?
Oh, me.
I did a graphics course recently.
Della really loves it.
Hmm.
I'm so sorry I'm late, guys.
Anyway, what's got two thumbs
and deliberately didn't have
any breakfast? This guy!
I'm only here for the free drinks.
Fair enough.
How was Maths Camp last week?
Oh, so fun.
So much fun.
Tough, mind.
But fun. Difficult.
Yeah, rewarding, you know?
But tough.
CLEARS THROA
PHONE BUZZES
Daniel. Do you want to tell me
why the shop's shut?
Yes. OK I can explain.
I don't want to hear it, Amanda.
Look, I don't think you
should bother coming back.
No, Daniel. Wait, listen
OK, listen The thing
OK, the thing is,
Della Fry called me
and I think we're in a really good
position to get her to
endorse the Sinkliminator, and so
I made an executive decision
You're not an executive.
You're my employee.
We're splitting hairs here, Daniel.
My point is, I think
she's going to do it.
And so I popped out
to seal the deal.
OK.
Fine, but
I've actually got to go right now
because we are kind of mid pow-wow,
but I will see you tomorrow, OK?
Bye. Bye-bye-bye!
Amanda
Yes, Chef!
I need more mint, Hector.
Yes, Chef.
Hey, gurl. Amazing launch.
I loved those mushroomy
starter things.
They were baby rabbits.
Yum.
So
Imma ask you straight -
big shot to big shot.
You know how I'm doing this co-lab
with this amazing boutique
kitchen company?
Are you trying to sell me something?
No, no! God, no.
I don't work in sales.
No, it's more of an
endorsement deal
Stop. No.
..for this funky little gadget
we have - it's amazing
I do not do endorsements.
It will cut through
I am not a sell-out.
..anything.
Not like Jamie "Sainsbury's" Oliver.
Obviously.
But I don't think putting your name
to a genuinely life-changing
device that saves not just time
but also landfill
30 seconds to service, Chef!
Thank you, Ruben.
..and I really think this is
a very special product
and couldn't possibly be
described as selling out
Stop talking. I got to go.
Can I get somebody
on the pass, please?
CHEERING AND WHOOPING
Thank you. Thanks, all.
Well done on being the best-fed
free-loaders in Kilburn.
Welcome to Double Shin.
My new baby. The ethos behind
this restaurant
Listen, I just wanted to say big
props on the whole maths thing.
Yeah?
Y'know, I read through his revision
worksheets and they are great.
I just feel really bad that
Of course you're great at maths.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Because this is the
signature dish of Double Shin.
And excuse me
for being a soppy goose,
but this is a tribute
to my incredible wife Fi. Aww!
I couldn't do any of this
without her support.
Yeah, so this, this is
Neelam mango sorbet.
Which is Fi's favourite fruit.
And as tomorrow is our
wedding anniversary,
I thought I'd propose a toast.
To Double Shin and my amazing Fiona.
ALL: Double Shin.
All right, all right,
eat, eat, eat!
God, I love anniversaries.
Our next biggie will be, um, pearl.
But I can't imagine Chris giving me
a pearl necklace.
Well, now we all can.
QUIETLY: Shiiiiiit.
Are you all right, Amanda?
Yeah! Hey, no, I'm fine!
Are you all right?
I totally forgot it was
our anniversary tomorrow.
And I've not even got her a card.
I think I can get her a box
of West Country cheeses
delivered by tomorrow.
Or I could get her some craft ales?
Oh, I think we can do better
than that, Fi.
But I will need a little favour.
Mmm.
Are you ready for your present?
Ready!
Thanks, babes. Aw.
CAMERA CLICKS
Oh.
Do you like it?
Do you have the receipt?
Yeah. I don't know what this is.
PHONE CHIMES
SHE GASPS
PHONE BUZZES
"We have reason to believe
"some children caught
copying each other's
"Please come for a
meeting at 12"
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit!
Shit! Shit!
TOILET FLUSHES
Amanda?
Mummy, hi, yeah.
I just got a message from the school
about a meeting at midday.
Yeah, and I can't leave my co-lab.
I thought you were your own boss.
Yeah, no, I am my own boss,
but I've got a really important
meet with, um, a big hotel
and OK. Please, Mummy. Go to
Georgie's school for 12 o'clock.
Oh, do I have to? Yes, bye.
Really?
DANIEL CLEARS THROA
For the umpteenth time, can you
not use your phone on the floor?
It was a family emergency, Daniel.
Well, you've obviously got
time on your hands,
so can you shift that grout?
All right.
Oh, dammit!
Oh, God!
Oh, hello, Amanda.
I didn't know you worked here.
I don't work here.
NERVOUS LAUGHTER
Of course I don't work here.
No, um, no.
Just browsing around myself.
You're wearing a uniform.
Yes.
No, I can see why you
would think I worked here.
But I don't.
I don't work here.
I co-lab, but I'm mainly
in the head office in, um
..Mayfair.
DANIEL: Amanda!
You shifted that grout yet?!
Fine, yes, I work here, Della, yes.
So I'm just doing this
till Senuous takes off.
You don't have to tell me
how hard it is to launch something.
You're skint.
Hm.
You're desperate
Well, I wouldn't say I'm desperate.
Your car's been repossessed,
your ex is a cock,
and he's dumped you
in it financially
We actually have a really
incredible relationship for exes
Yeah, well, what I'm trying to say
is that I think that what you're
doing is pretty impressive.
Thank you.
The fuck is that?!
So, I'm just saying that, erm,
coincidences do happen.
But all three of them got
exactly the same answers wrong.
I can explain.
I think that my knowledge
..of maths got the better of me.
And I may have helped
Ned a bit too much.
No, don't beat yourself up, mate
No, no, no, no.
I can't let you do this.
You can.
It wasn't Mal.
He had nothing to do with it.
It was me.
I'm the cheat! I'm the liar.
What's going on?
I thought teaching
maths would be easy.
But it is so hard.
Amen to that, sister.
I just started filling out
a few answers, y'know?
And then one thing led to another
and I don't know what happened.
Just
Before I knew it,
I was filling in the whole thing
Oh, God.
I don't see what all
the fuss is about.
They're all going to be fine.
It's just a stupid maths test.
That's not helpful, Mrs Sanderson.
That's not helping.
Hey, JJ.
I'm sorry.
I just
I think, if I'm not doing
the day-to-day tricky stuff
with Ned then what am I?
I'm just a guy that takes him to
the zoo and hands out 20s.
I feel like a weekend dad,
and weekend dads are shite.
Come off it.
I'm just "the stepdad".
The lamest of all the dads.
I'm like a bad cover version of you.
I'm like the Westlife version
of Uptown Girl to your original
Billy Joel.
No!
You're Beyonce's
version of Blackbird.
That is a banger.
Do you want me to
take over the maths homework?
Fuck, yes, please.
Thank you so much.
Well, that's not real.
How was the meeting at school?
Oh, Georgie got
a detention for copying.
I mean, pfff.
Honestly, the fuss they made.
What do you mean, "pffff"?
Don't pff that, Mummy.
This is important.
What's got your knickers
in a twist now?
I have just been sacked from
a job selling waste disposal units
in a burgundy airtex.
Oh, my God, that's awful.
Why on earth are you doing that?
Why? Why!
Because I am not qualified to
do anything better, Mummy!
I've only got three GCSEs.
Oh, I suppose that's my fault?
Yes. It is your fault. Because the
only things you ever made me work on
were a killer backhand
and toning my legs.
Being good at tennis
is an excellent life skill.
I'm not arguing that,
but I want more for Georgie.
I don't want my daughter
to fail her exams
because no-one could be
bothered to help her.
Where did she go?
See, nothing to worry about.
I was a single mother too, you know.
Well, your father went
skiing a lot.
Fine, maybe I could've been
a smidge more hands on.
I'm sure you can find a way
to make it up to me, Mummy.
Yeah.
I've come to get my mood board back.
And my co-lab.
Why would I give you your job back?
Cos I'm damn good at it.
And I'll be even better, Daniel,
if you'll just let me fly.
I need a sales assistant, Amanda,
not a seagull.
And also because I am bringing
you a big new client.
Who's Felicity Sanderson?
It's Mummy.
And she wants a
complete new kitchen.
Including a fizzy water tap.
Why are you making it so hard?
It's obviously an irrational number.
That's the whole point
of the exercise
You know what, forget it.
Forget it.
What's Anne's number?
Let's give her a call. What?!
Hey, everyone.
I know this is a bit of a departure
from my usual Senuous
lifestyle content - but I just want
to be real with you guys and talk
about something that's
really close to my heart.
Cancer Awareness Week.
VIDEO CONTINUES ON PHONE: Cos I
think it's so easy to sweat the
small stuff, and just forget
about what's really important.
Hey, everyone.
Um, I know this is
a bit of a departure from my usual
Senuous lifestyle content but, um
I just want to be real with you guys
for a second, and talk
I need my car!
My son has a laser tag party
in Beckenham this weekend.
I don't even know where Beckenham
is without my sat nav.
Are you all right?
My ex stopped paying for the lease.
Apparently having a Tesla
is a luxury.
It's a humble EV, for God's sake.
What do I do now?
You could try getting a job.
I have a job, Mal.
I am the face and brains and body
and hair of Senuous -
a rapidly growing
Instagram start-up.
Well, you could try getting a job
that pays in money, and not these
"wellness supplement shakes" that've
been blocking my hallway all week.
See you later.
What's the matter with you?
Come on!
Yeah, but is it a Neelam, Diego?
It has to be a Neelam.
Ref, VAR!
Well, they've got to be in season
somewhere on the planet.
Go back and ask.
Oh, God, our goalie is shite.
Oh, don't say that, Della.
Her mum's a psycho.
Oh, shit, she's looking.
CLEARS THROA
Hey, guys!
Hey.
Everyone looking forward to
Parents' Evening tomorrow?
It's my favourite evening
in the afternoon the whole year.
Yeah. It's kind of like, erm
..Sports Day but for,
er, for boffins.
Oi, Coach! What are we doing?
Right, guys, erm
Anyone else want to
try goalkeeping?
Hi! Sorry we're late.
The cab driver refused to
drive across the grass.
And your card was declined.
Anyway, Della, I can thank you
in person for the stiffie.
I was going to RSVP by post
but now I can say it.
It's a yes from me.
Great.
What's this?
Oh, we're having a soft
launch for Double Shin. Ah!
So we're having a rehearsal lunch
to iron out any of the glitches.
So you're inviting friends
and family?
Yeah, I'd have invited you, Amanda,
but I thought you were busy.
Yeah, thanks, Della.
Yeah, no, I am actually.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Well, you thought right.
Because I am insanely busy
right now.
Yeah, no, I'm in talks
about a possible Senuous co-lab.
What's a co-lab?
It means collaboration.
I always thought that co-lab
sounded like co-labia.
No, it doesn't, Anne.
I was on Link-ed-din in for like,
a second, and this big-shot
interiors firm just begged me
for a meet at their flagship store.
Yeah, I guess it just shows what
a thirst trap my brand is.
God, I'd hate to work for a brand.
Too much hassle.
PHONE RINGS
Oh, hold on, hold on.
Hello? Is it a Neelam?
No, Neelam.
Why do you keep saying Neelam?
It's getting quite annoying.
It's a kind of mango.
Jog on.
Rude.
Well, Amanda,
this is an impressive CV,
but I'm not seeing any retail
experience here.
Yes, just there. Hygge Tygge.
Oh.
I just assumed that was a typo.
No.
That was my
lifestyle store in Chiswick.
Our Insta page actually got
a like from Amanda Holden.
Well, your references look great.
Thank you.
I'm actually quite a humble person,
so writing about myself like that
was a real challenge.
But, as it says in paragraph
five, I embrace challenge.
You wrote your own references?
I've been my own boss
for 15 years.
Which is one of the reasons
why this co-lab is, yeah
You keep using that word, "co-lab",
but what does that mean?
Great question, Daniel, thank you.
Um, what does the word
co-lab mean to me?
I guess I'm looking for a symbiotic
relationship where
I draw on my skills as a
social media entrepreneur
to complement your
..age-old knowledge of kitchens.
And bathrooms.
I started in bathrooms.
Interesting. So you were
..Daniel Kichen's Bathrooms?
Yeah. Then moved into kitchens.
Hence why it's now
Kichen's Bathrooms and Kitchens.
That makes sense.
But a lot of our business
comes from waste disposal units
and boiling water taps now.
Brilliant.
Maybe you could tempt
Amanda Holden into a waste disposal.
Get her up on the wall of fame.
You can make a lot of commission
selling those things. Ah.
You know what, I'm feeling
a lot of synergy in this space.
In the words of
Sir Alan Sugar, "You're hired!"
OK. Yeah.
YOU'RE hired.
Well done.
Hiya.
Hi.
Yeah, they're really playing
the first team here tonight.
Mr Atkins. Ms Patel. Miss Clacy.
Mr Kovacs here on the back two.
Great news, guys.
Senuous is now official
partners with KB&K.
DELLA: What'd she say?
Amanda got her job.
Not a job, Fi. It is a co-lab.
Yeah. No, they basically
bit my hand off to work with me.
The plan is co-lab this year
then go PLC.
Then aim to float myself by 2030.
LOUD BUZZER
What the hell was that, Anne?
It's the timer. You only get
three minutes with each teacher
and they're actually
very strict about it. OK.
Welcome to Squid Games.
It's a dystopian Korean TV show.
I know, Anne.
Loved your approach to expanding
binominals, by the way.
Very nice, yeah.
Sorry, don't mean
to fan girl too much.
It's just, um, I always wanted to
try my hand at teaching myself.
I'm going to give Darius some
additional homework over half term.
It's important he gets a good mark
otherwise he'll have to
repeat the module.
He'll get there - he just needs
a little help with that final 10%.
See? I'm already 80% there.
Jesus.
LOUD BUZZER
Thank you.
"Struggling"?
I just think he might benefit
from you working with him
on his homework over half term.
As you're an accountant.
No, he's the accountant.
I'm a landscape gardener.
He's the biological one.
Ohhh
No, we ain't together.
HE SCOFFS
No!
I mean, I wish!
What?
God, punching a bit above my weight
with this hunk!
I'm just the stepdad.
Yeah, so, I'm more than happy
to tutor Ned over the half term.
No, no, no, it's cool.
I can do this.
Course you can, mate.
Great kid.
Really good grades.
The only thing I would say is that
she should show up to school more.
What did he say?
Morten's nailing it, babe.
Here - it's an invitation
to our restaurant launch.
As an apology from Della for not
being able to make it in person.
Aw, thanks, guys.
Did he just get an invite?
CLEARS THROAT Hm?
I said she's easily distracted.
Well, I think that's the case
for all teenagers, though, right?
What with social media
and hormones and Oh, my God.
Yeah, she does have
a boyfriend now. Oh, my God!
Georgie just needs
to find a little focus,
because it's starting
to affect her schoolwork.
Right. Understood.
I'm wondering if you think, um
BUZZER
I'm sorry, but our session's over.
Yes
The buzzer's gone.
Sorry, just No, "I've started
so I'll finish"?
Next.
Yeah, I know.
That was quite frustrating.
But I think I'm going
to take midterm off.
Do some Anne-rithmatic with Darius.
But, hey, silver linings
because I've always wanted
to be a maths teacher.
Well, I think you'll find you need
a degree to be a teacher.
Oh, yeah, well, I have a PhD
in Chemistry from Imperial, so
Right. Not a degree, though, is it?
Excuse me, young lady.
Where do you think you're going?
To the park with Morten.
No, no, no - you heard Miss Leary.
You need to be studying.
That is what you're
spending your half term doing.
What, because I'm so stupid?
God! I can't believe
you called me stupid!
SHE SIGHS
No judgment from me.
I've got to teach Ned
maths all week.
Sorry, Mal, I don't have time for
this, I've got a co-lab to get to.
Stupid bike.
Um, where's your helmet?
If it's a choice between
brain damage and helmet hair,
I think you know where I stand.
How you getting on, big man?
I don't get it.
Why are these so hard?
All right.
Let's get this done and then
we can go for a Five Guys, yeah?
All right.
4a 3-3a,
2 something 5,
exclamation mark.
This isn't a maths questions,
this is a wifi password.
Right, let's have
a look at the second one.
OK. Plan B.
RINGS BELL
Welcome to Maths Caaaaaaamp!
Thank you so much for doing this,
Anne. You're a life-saver.
The more the merrier. Now come on,
just about to get started.
All right, listen.
Don't tell your mum or JJ, yeah?
HE SIGHS
Mooove!
Christ!
You posh blonde idiot!
Good morning, Amanda.
Daniel!
I was expecting you for nine.
Oh, I was aiming for nine-ish.
You try cycling from So-Ha
to Ea-Wil with a mood board.
Right. Let me put down my thought
collage, and then maybe you could
direct me to the best local
roastery for a decent java.
Let's start with your shirt.
Um, my colour palette
is very much spring-summer
and this is autumn-winter, Daniel.
It is pretty quiet today so do you
want to start with some flyering?
SCOFFING LAUGH
Flyering?
Right, Daniel, flyering's
not in my job description.
Did you read your job description?
No.
Well, it is.
"Pure mathematics is, in its way,
the poetry of logical ideas."
Not my words, guys,
but those of the late great
Albert Einstein.
Here we go, boys.
You know what that is?
That's Euler's Identity.
Beautiful, isn't it?
Einstein was right.
That is poetry.
So, guys
..are we ready to make poetry?
How are you not getting this?!
OK, first you multiply them
by themselves
AND THEN you add them together!
Jesus!
Right.
If we've to do it again,
we'll do it again.
Work out the value of
when P=4 and W=2.
What are you doing? You're supposed
to be at home revising.
Why are you wearing a vest?
It's a camisole.
Don't change the subject.
I'm here to help Morten.
Yeah, Della sent me to go get her
mangos for the restaurant launch
so, you know, she came with me.
Why are you in Willesden anyway?
Queen's Park borders.
I'm meeting some of my team.
I like to get really under
the bonnet when I co-lab.
Anyway, this isn't about me. You
obviously can't be trusted, George.
What are you doing?
I'm calling your grandmother.
She can help supervise you.
Why's that old man waving at you?
Hey!
Oh, men wave at me all the time.
DANIEL: Hello?
It's my burden.
Amanda, can I have a word?
Yes!
Now I'm not going to have a go
at you for taking your top off -
it's a very effective
sales technique -
but I'm not paying you to
stand around on the street gassing.
Do you know who that was?
That was Della Fry's daughter.
What, the chef? Yeah.
What, you know her?
We're close personal friends.
Our daughters are basically
sisters, we're so tight. So
Here, do you think you can you get
Della Fry to endorse
a Sinkliminator?
I mean, she'd look great on my wall.
Err, right
Erm
I don't know if that's something
she'd really go for, Daniel.
Surely she'd do it for
a close personal friend?
Yeah. I mean yes, yeah.
No, I will, I
That's something I will definitely
mention to her, for sure.
DOORBELL
Quick, let me in,
it smells of buses.
I hear you're under house arrest.
So stupid.
What's this?
Selling Sunset. It's about
Californian Estate Agents.
Oh, fantastic.
You'd probably learn more from them
than anything in a boring book,
y'know?
FELICITY CHUCKLES
Hey, Anne. How's it going?
Great, yeah, yeah.
SO fun.
I think we're really getting
somewhere, y'know?
There he is!
Hey, slip me some skin.
Yeah. Going for gold.
All right! So
..same time tomorrow?
Yep.
Oh, for God's sakes!
What are you doing?!
Oh, darling,
I didn't expect you back so soon
Not cool, Mummy. I asked you
to do one thing.
This may be an alien concept to you
but my daughter needs to be
studying.
Not looking like a contoured badger.
You're going to Anne's tomorrow.
Why?!
Gan Gan said you got three
GCSEs and you're doing great.
6, 15, 24, 33
Hey!
Eyes on me, yeah?
So the interval here is 9, but
we're not starting with 9, are we?
So we would express this sequence
as 9n-?
N?
No.
We've been through this.
It's 9n minus what
..is 6?
OK, it's 3! All right, OK?
Clearly it's 3.
The answer they're
looking for is 3.
So the answer you need to
write down, right now, is 3!
It's the nine times tables, less
three! GOD!
Doesn't that feel good?
Actually answering a fecking
question?
Enough is enough.
Question 28.
N=76.
Question 29
What was 28 again?
Keep up!
I just want to finish this homework.
Question 30.
Four to the power of nine. Done.
Do not tell your teacher
I gave you the answers.
Let us never speak of this again.
There is literally nothing
this thing can't obliterate.
And just so you know,
the chef Della Fry?
We're talking to her about
fitting one. OK, thanks.
PHONE BUZZES
Oh.
Fi.
Hi, babe.
Bit short notice, but do you
fancy a lunch at Double Shin?
It's our soft launch today
and there's a bloody tube strike,
so we just need bums on seats.
Oh, well, I'm very touched that
Della asked for me personally.
Oh, er, just out of interest, Fi,
and obviously I can totally
afford it but, er, is it free?
Yeah, yeah. Course.
Oh, great. Erm, OK.
Err, yeah, well, I will call you
back in two minutes.
No problem.
OK.
Oh, Daniel.
Daniel. Hi. Is it all right if I pop
out for the afternoon? I've
Sorry, you've got to man the shop.
Oh, well, I've got this
incredible opportunity
Yeah, look, I'm in St Albans
all afternoon
quoting on a nursing home refurb.
OK, I
Hey, Amanda.
Not happening. I got to go.
Hello.
Fi! Hi.
Err, it's a yes from me.
Hi, Della. Hi!
What are you sniggering at?
Have you seen this logo?
Darling, that definitely
says Double Shit.
Thanks for coming
to our Double Shindigs.
Yeah. Um, who designed the logo?
Oh, me.
I did a graphics course recently.
Della really loves it.
Hmm.
I'm so sorry I'm late, guys.
Anyway, what's got two thumbs
and deliberately didn't have
any breakfast? This guy!
I'm only here for the free drinks.
Fair enough.
How was Maths Camp last week?
Oh, so fun.
So much fun.
Tough, mind.
But fun. Difficult.
Yeah, rewarding, you know?
But tough.
CLEARS THROA
PHONE BUZZES
Daniel. Do you want to tell me
why the shop's shut?
Yes. OK I can explain.
I don't want to hear it, Amanda.
Look, I don't think you
should bother coming back.
No, Daniel. Wait, listen
OK, listen The thing
OK, the thing is,
Della Fry called me
and I think we're in a really good
position to get her to
endorse the Sinkliminator, and so
I made an executive decision
You're not an executive.
You're my employee.
We're splitting hairs here, Daniel.
My point is, I think
she's going to do it.
And so I popped out
to seal the deal.
OK.
Fine, but
I've actually got to go right now
because we are kind of mid pow-wow,
but I will see you tomorrow, OK?
Bye. Bye-bye-bye!
Amanda
Yes, Chef!
I need more mint, Hector.
Yes, Chef.
Hey, gurl. Amazing launch.
I loved those mushroomy
starter things.
They were baby rabbits.
Yum.
So
Imma ask you straight -
big shot to big shot.
You know how I'm doing this co-lab
with this amazing boutique
kitchen company?
Are you trying to sell me something?
No, no! God, no.
I don't work in sales.
No, it's more of an
endorsement deal
Stop. No.
..for this funky little gadget
we have - it's amazing
I do not do endorsements.
It will cut through
I am not a sell-out.
..anything.
Not like Jamie "Sainsbury's" Oliver.
Obviously.
But I don't think putting your name
to a genuinely life-changing
device that saves not just time
but also landfill
30 seconds to service, Chef!
Thank you, Ruben.
..and I really think this is
a very special product
and couldn't possibly be
described as selling out
Stop talking. I got to go.
Can I get somebody
on the pass, please?
CHEERING AND WHOOPING
Thank you. Thanks, all.
Well done on being the best-fed
free-loaders in Kilburn.
Welcome to Double Shin.
My new baby. The ethos behind
this restaurant
Listen, I just wanted to say big
props on the whole maths thing.
Yeah?
Y'know, I read through his revision
worksheets and they are great.
I just feel really bad that
Of course you're great at maths.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Because this is the
signature dish of Double Shin.
And excuse me
for being a soppy goose,
but this is a tribute
to my incredible wife Fi. Aww!
I couldn't do any of this
without her support.
Yeah, so this, this is
Neelam mango sorbet.
Which is Fi's favourite fruit.
And as tomorrow is our
wedding anniversary,
I thought I'd propose a toast.
To Double Shin and my amazing Fiona.
ALL: Double Shin.
All right, all right,
eat, eat, eat!
God, I love anniversaries.
Our next biggie will be, um, pearl.
But I can't imagine Chris giving me
a pearl necklace.
Well, now we all can.
QUIETLY: Shiiiiiit.
Are you all right, Amanda?
Yeah! Hey, no, I'm fine!
Are you all right?
I totally forgot it was
our anniversary tomorrow.
And I've not even got her a card.
I think I can get her a box
of West Country cheeses
delivered by tomorrow.
Or I could get her some craft ales?
Oh, I think we can do better
than that, Fi.
But I will need a little favour.
Mmm.
Are you ready for your present?
Ready!
Thanks, babes. Aw.
CAMERA CLICKS
Oh.
Do you like it?
Do you have the receipt?
Yeah. I don't know what this is.
PHONE CHIMES
SHE GASPS
PHONE BUZZES
"We have reason to believe
"some children caught
copying each other's
"Please come for a
meeting at 12"
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit!
Shit! Shit!
TOILET FLUSHES
Amanda?
Mummy, hi, yeah.
I just got a message from the school
about a meeting at midday.
Yeah, and I can't leave my co-lab.
I thought you were your own boss.
Yeah, no, I am my own boss,
but I've got a really important
meet with, um, a big hotel
and OK. Please, Mummy. Go to
Georgie's school for 12 o'clock.
Oh, do I have to? Yes, bye.
Really?
DANIEL CLEARS THROA
For the umpteenth time, can you
not use your phone on the floor?
It was a family emergency, Daniel.
Well, you've obviously got
time on your hands,
so can you shift that grout?
All right.
Oh, dammit!
Oh, God!
Oh, hello, Amanda.
I didn't know you worked here.
I don't work here.
NERVOUS LAUGHTER
Of course I don't work here.
No, um, no.
Just browsing around myself.
You're wearing a uniform.
Yes.
No, I can see why you
would think I worked here.
But I don't.
I don't work here.
I co-lab, but I'm mainly
in the head office in, um
..Mayfair.
DANIEL: Amanda!
You shifted that grout yet?!
Fine, yes, I work here, Della, yes.
So I'm just doing this
till Senuous takes off.
You don't have to tell me
how hard it is to launch something.
You're skint.
Hm.
You're desperate
Well, I wouldn't say I'm desperate.
Your car's been repossessed,
your ex is a cock,
and he's dumped you
in it financially
We actually have a really
incredible relationship for exes
Yeah, well, what I'm trying to say
is that I think that what you're
doing is pretty impressive.
Thank you.
The fuck is that?!
So, I'm just saying that, erm,
coincidences do happen.
But all three of them got
exactly the same answers wrong.
I can explain.
I think that my knowledge
..of maths got the better of me.
And I may have helped
Ned a bit too much.
No, don't beat yourself up, mate
No, no, no, no.
I can't let you do this.
You can.
It wasn't Mal.
He had nothing to do with it.
It was me.
I'm the cheat! I'm the liar.
What's going on?
I thought teaching
maths would be easy.
But it is so hard.
Amen to that, sister.
I just started filling out
a few answers, y'know?
And then one thing led to another
and I don't know what happened.
Just
Before I knew it,
I was filling in the whole thing
Oh, God.
I don't see what all
the fuss is about.
They're all going to be fine.
It's just a stupid maths test.
That's not helpful, Mrs Sanderson.
That's not helping.
Hey, JJ.
I'm sorry.
I just
I think, if I'm not doing
the day-to-day tricky stuff
with Ned then what am I?
I'm just a guy that takes him to
the zoo and hands out 20s.
I feel like a weekend dad,
and weekend dads are shite.
Come off it.
I'm just "the stepdad".
The lamest of all the dads.
I'm like a bad cover version of you.
I'm like the Westlife version
of Uptown Girl to your original
Billy Joel.
No!
You're Beyonce's
version of Blackbird.
That is a banger.
Do you want me to
take over the maths homework?
Fuck, yes, please.
Thank you so much.
Well, that's not real.
How was the meeting at school?
Oh, Georgie got
a detention for copying.
I mean, pfff.
Honestly, the fuss they made.
What do you mean, "pffff"?
Don't pff that, Mummy.
This is important.
What's got your knickers
in a twist now?
I have just been sacked from
a job selling waste disposal units
in a burgundy airtex.
Oh, my God, that's awful.
Why on earth are you doing that?
Why? Why!
Because I am not qualified to
do anything better, Mummy!
I've only got three GCSEs.
Oh, I suppose that's my fault?
Yes. It is your fault. Because the
only things you ever made me work on
were a killer backhand
and toning my legs.
Being good at tennis
is an excellent life skill.
I'm not arguing that,
but I want more for Georgie.
I don't want my daughter
to fail her exams
because no-one could be
bothered to help her.
Where did she go?
See, nothing to worry about.
I was a single mother too, you know.
Well, your father went
skiing a lot.
Fine, maybe I could've been
a smidge more hands on.
I'm sure you can find a way
to make it up to me, Mummy.
Yeah.
I've come to get my mood board back.
And my co-lab.
Why would I give you your job back?
Cos I'm damn good at it.
And I'll be even better, Daniel,
if you'll just let me fly.
I need a sales assistant, Amanda,
not a seagull.
And also because I am bringing
you a big new client.
Who's Felicity Sanderson?
It's Mummy.
And she wants a
complete new kitchen.
Including a fizzy water tap.
Why are you making it so hard?
It's obviously an irrational number.
That's the whole point
of the exercise
You know what, forget it.
Forget it.
What's Anne's number?
Let's give her a call. What?!