Ambassadors (2013) s01e03 Episode Script
The Tazbek Spring
1 I ask only 2 things of my ambassadors 1, Use common sense.
2, Never surprise me.
Are you thinking of declaring war on anyone, Ambassador? No, not yet.
What do you make of him? I like HER.
- I've been asked to apply for a job.
- What is it? Deputy Head of Cardiology at Barts.
This is the guest list for the Trooping of the Colour.
These are the home telephone numbers of Ann Widdecombe and Lembit Opik.
I think it could be dangerous for you.
They might decide that you're a good way to get to me.
I can see why you come in here so much.
Well it's the best place to get drunk and find an oil-engineer to shag.
Can I get you girls a drink? Oh, hi, Kevin! I was just talking about you(!) - He is arranging for you to see the president tomorrow morning.
- The president? You want to talk about your British helicoptors, don't you(?) - Prince Mark is a proven trade envoy - This country has completely won my heart Your women are the most beautiful I've seen.
They got pissed together.
Of course.
Proper diplomacy.
When the president says he'd like to talk about Tazbekistan's new military capabilities, you always know you're in for another three hours.
I had no idea there were so many different types of missiles.
It's the combination of missile and hand of destiny you've got to worry about.
You asked me to draft this week's DipTel to London.
I did it during the speech.
Ah, well done.
Let's have a look.
The advantage of being sat at the back.
"The president's platinum jubilee has finally arrived.
" I mention the unrest further on.
Shouldn't platinum be 70 years? Here, they have a different system.
Here, it's whatever the president wants.
THUNDER RUMBLES Did you manage to find out about this vetting officer who's coming? Mr Jackson? He was seconded out to the Americans for a while.
They loved him.
They christened him Guantanamo Bob.
Is this vetting for everyone? Just the Brits.
How's your Mum? My sister said she's taken a turn for the worse.
But she says that every time I call.
You know you can head home anytime you want.
Don't you? - How would you cope? - We wouldn't.
Sergei, are you coming to our little jubilee celebration tonight? No.
Jubilee is big day of sorrow.
I will stay home and clean guns.
Hmm.
That's great, thanks.
Ah, Isabel! Welcome.
Ludmilla is serving a great Tazbek delicacy - curried eggs on cardboard.
And if you're feeling brave she's made a special jubilee vodka punch.
I'll just have wine, thanks.
Ah, the president's daughter.
My favourite Tazbek woman.
Ah, well then you'll be aware of all her different roles in the country.
I think I am.
She's the national football manager, UNESCO Ambassador, a model, pop star, charity patron, MP And an important wine producer.
Ludmilla, will you join us for a little jubilee libation? - When a man's house is on fire, now is not the time to dig the well.
- Well there you have it(!) Oop!.
Fergana's new song's on the telly.
They call me hell, they call me Stacey, they call me eurgh, they call me Jane, - Does she succeed her father? - Who knows(?) It would be preferable to her singing.
Or managing our football team.
Keith, isn't it your job to object to this sort of nepotism? In a way.
We should get Prince Charles to head up a task force.
You want this woman to become leader of the country? That's not my name It's not really a question of what we want.
Ah, Natalia, you've arrived just in time to save me from an ethical grilling by my wife.
Chateau Fergana red or Chateau Fergana white? I will not drink her grapes.
Beer, please.
We've had the daughter.
Now the dada.
He's got the same curtains as you.
EXPLOSIONS What was that? Fireworks.
Sounded like gunfire.
Don't they teach you the difference at the Foreign Office? It is gunfire.
And sometimes it doesn't.
I'll get a torch.
The mobile network's down as well.
Keith, we erneed to talk.
No.
Nothing on any of the news websites.
What do you think, Neil? Tanya thinks people shouldn't go out.
What's she heard? Her brother is involved in the opposition.
Is he? Yes.
Your girlfriend's brother is part of the opposition? That's right.
The deputy head of mission's girlfriend's brother is involved with the opposition(?) That is the situation.
Yes.
Well she'd better be careful Neil Hmm.
I think we should offer the people the opportunity to stay the night just in case.
The good news is there's 40 bottles of Chateau Fergana to get through.
DISTANT GUNFIRE PHONE RINGS Sergei? What? Man on gate? He's a betting man? Justjust get rid of him.
Oh, shit.
Sergei, did he say betting man, or vetting man? - London told us you were arriving on the 23rd - It is the 23rd! - We were sending a car.
- That's a lie.
Um.
Well um, come through here.
Let me at least get you a drink.
Long Journey and all that.
We've had a platinum jubilee party, which is why it is like this.
The red's not bad.
I'm not a drinking man, Ambassador.
Neither was I till I came here.
What the fuck's going on? Mr Jackson, the vetting officer, has just arrived.
Right.
This is Neil Tilly, deputy ambassador.
He keeps the place ticking over smoothly.
I thought you were due tomorrow.
It is tomorrow.
NEIL COUGHS MOANING And who's this? Eralocal consultant.
I run bar.
Let's get you a bedroom.
I'll put you in here tonight, if that's OK? Ah, yes, er, of course, that's Caitlin, head of consular.
CAITLIN SNORES Very able.
Ermlet's use this one.
Ah, yes, Natalia.
I thought it was best if everyone stayed after the party because of agitation on the street.
There is agitation on the streets, we thinkpossibly.
Better safe than sorry.
Can I help? Erermer No.
I'm just looking for a spare bedroom.
This is Mr Jackson.
Is everything OK? Yes, thanks, Isabel.
Isabel - everyone - this is Mr Jackson, the vetting officer.
Mr Jackson, this is Isabel, our trade and political secretary.
Er So, er, yep.
M.
May.
.
maybe Natalia if you slept with Isabel, er, just for tonight.
- I don't mind.
- I can sleep with Caitlin Yes aah, or, or maybe if you slept with Jennifer - Who's Jennifer - My wife.
- Have I met her yet? No, she's asleep.
Or, Isabel, you could sleep with Caitlin.
Who shall I sleep with, Keith? What's going on? What in the name of all that is holy is going on in your country? No sooner has Prince Charming nailed us the oil contract - you let the whole place burst into flames.
There've been indications of trouble in the build-up to the jubilee, as I reported in my DipTel of Right now, I'm hearing about extensive violent clashes, shootings, deaths.
Are you? Who from? Who are these people? Where are they? What do they want? Well we think we know who they are - basically some of the usual suspects.
Any contacts with them? Not at the moment.
Why not? There's been a variety of opposition leaders and groups here over the years.
We don't know who's leading this at the moment.
Well find out.
Talk to them.
I've got to brief the Secretary of State on what to say to the PM about this.
As you know, sir, No 10 have been at pains to discourage anything that might disrupt our close relationship with President Karzak Quite right too Well, the president has always been very clear about how he'd react if he found out that foreign embassies had contacts with opposition groups And he often does find out.
We won that oil contract because of our good relationship with the prez.
Yes.
But that was then and this is now.
I don't want to jump the gun but, if this conflict develops, we need to have picked the winner.
It's way too early to suggest this is a substantial threat to the regime.
17th December 2010, Tunisia - an illiterate fruit and veg seller in Sidi Bouzid, a small desert town no-one had ever heard of - set himself on fire in a dispute over his stall permit.
Six months later, half the regimes in the Middle East had fallen and none of us saw it coming.
I've got a meeting with the prez at lunch time.
I'll try and find out what he's thinking.
Good.
But remember, you're the ones with the boots in the sand, the ear of the bazaar, the whisper of the souk.
Get me the inside track because we can only wholeheartedly back the winner once we know who the winner is going to be.
If they're going to win - go and meet them.
And if they're not, don't.
Exactly.
And it's vital not to share our thinking on this with any of our allies - especially the French.
- No.
- Yep.
It's a question of signalling left and turning right Bad signalling Got it! I need you to stay out of the curve If there's a boat leaving I don't want to miss it I wonder which boat he was referring to? Or which curve for that matter.
You know he came on a visit here last year? Just turned up unannounced, on his way to Auckland.
What? No.
I'm sure your predecessor's breakdown would have happened anyway.
Can I speak to the nurse? Jess, it's not that I don't trust your judgment I have to go but I'll call you right back.
Hello, Consular.
Oh, hi, Kevin.
What's happening? No, there's no plans to evacuate at the moment.
What? Has that been verified? Well, how many have been injured? What? No, what you hear in a bar does not constitute as evidence.
I know there's tension in the north east.
I was the one that told you! I have got to go.
I'm coming.
Fuck it! Okay!? The oil workers want us to guarantee their safety.
Poor deers.
We're receiving breaking news from Tazbekistan.
This footage is as yet unverified, but it appears to show 'running battles with the police in the north east of the country.
'The scale of unrest is as yet unclear.
' Casualties? Difficult to verify because a news blackout came into effect this morning.
The trouble with this sort of footage is you can't tell if it's the start of a revolution or a fight in the pub.
In this country, they can be the same thing.
All the internet is down, right across town.
So we have no clear sense of the scale of this? Not really.
Well, we need to find out.
Where is this unrest heading? Will it last? How will the president react? London needs the inside track on both sides.
The opposition is supposedly led by a man called Oybek Yerzhan.
He used to be a heroin trafficker.
His tweets over the last few months talk about attacking the capital.
OK, if he does, are our evacuation plans up to speed? The 200 Brits in the capital are easy to get out.
The problem is the 450 oil engineers in the north east.
Stay in contact with them, Caitlin.
I'm on the phone with them every twenty minutes, asking for updates on whether their bank balance does make it hard.
Eh one final thing.
Mister Jackson, the vetting officer arrived last night as some of you will recall Far from ideal, giving the situation outside, but London takes these vetting renewals seriously.
So should we.
Don't worry if the process makes you nervous.
That's normal.
The people it doesn't make nervous are spies.
Precisely.
Did I dream it, or did Jackson walk from the airport last night? It's 15 miles.
Hmm.
London thinks the violence is simply the country letting off steam, as it's periodically prone to do.
A "brush fire" was how my Minister put it.
London's main worry is that the president will deploy those nasty attack helicopters you insisted on selling him.
They'll really only be used to protect YOUR oil fields.
DAVIS CHUCKLES Hello, Petra.
Have you congratulated the president on his platinum jubilee? I just had a very special four minutes with him.
He's in a good mood obviously - at such an outpouring of unfettered support for his long, untroubled reign.
Your Excellency.
So, how is my friend Prince Mark? On terrific form, I gather.
I'm glad to hear it.
Tell him I look forward to his next visit for some golf and perhaps a little Black Label on the 19th.
His idea of heaven, your Excellency.
Oh, and tell him from me to stop being such a total wanker.
Nothing would give me more pleasure.
Okay.
Let's call him.
Whatwhat do you want? Tell him, from me, to stop being such a total wanker.
I'd rather not.
'This is Mark, Duke of Bath.
Leave a message if you must.
' Er HE CLEARS THROA H-hello, Your Highness, this is Ambassador Davis here calling from Tazbekistan to ask if you could, please, stop being such a total wanker.
This is a message from Good.
That's funny.
Ha.
Yes.
Funny.
Erm, Your Excellency, I just wanted to set your mind at rest, and reassure you, Sir, that London is one hundred percent behind you.
Well, why would they not be?! I I mean, with the troubles in the north What troubles? Have you spoken to your brother? First they want to take back the region.
Then they want Karsak out for good.
No shit.
But they need help, Neil.
Money and weapons.
Western governments won't support them until they know they'll be successful.
They won't be successful unless they get help.
Hedging our bets - it's what governments do best.
We're too invested in Karsak.
I'm not asking governments for help, I'm asking you.
What can you do? Aren't you a man of influence, Mister Diplomat-man? I wish I was.
But you are, Neil.
If you want to be.
You can talk to your ambassador, who talks to London.
He rarely talks to London.
And when he does, they hate him.
Then what's the point of you being here? What's the point of you? Good question.
OK.
Let's get through this, shall we? Have you at any time, now or previously, handed classified documents or information to known enemies of Her Majesty's Government? No.
Have you at any time embarrassed the Foreign Office? HE LAUGHS I love that question.
By normal criteria - no.
Very good.
Would you say you are too inclined to please others? I used to be.
But they didn't like it.
So I stopped.
JACKSON CHUCKLES Looking at your career, would you say you have a natural inclination towards inaction? You say it like it's a bad thing! I hope not.
I do think it's important not to rush into things.
Sometimes doing nothing is the correct response.
I do act when it's necessary, though.
I think.
I hope.
Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife? No.
Has she ever been unfaithful to you? No.
No.
To your knowledge she has never been unfaithful to you? Yes! No Not even with the man who's now offering her a job at St Barts? What, they've offered her the job? He's called her in for interview.
How do you know? She hasn't had a reply.
Not yet.
HE LAUGHS I'm sorry, but I don't see how this has anything to do with security or my vetting.
KNOCK ON DOOR Ambassador, Fergana Karsak is here to see you.
Interruptions are not ideal.
She's the president's daughter.
I know who she is.
Well, then you'll be aware that at this moment she takes priority.
What does Fergana want? A British visa.
Why? What's Jackson like? He's verythorough.
Awful.
Ms Karsak, a great honour.
Ambassador.
Your father must be delighted with the jubilee celebrations.
Yes, though nothing could repay the years of selfless sacrifice he has given this country.
Please take a seat.
Why do you employ villagers? I'm sorry? Well, I don't normally talk to the staff but the woman who just bring me the tea? Ludmilla? She is from the village.
You must let me recommend you better staff.
Thank you.
But I leave the residential staff employment in the capable hands of my wife.
Oh, I love your wife.
Yes, I remember seeing how she dressed at your Queen's jubilee celebrations.
Diamond jubilee - 60 years.
Do you think she would allow me to take her shopping? Ehm, well, I be delighted to ask her.
But you're here to discuss a UK visa? Hmm But granting is a formality, of course, but we're interested to hear your plans for when you visit Britain.
Well, I want to make improvements to my breasts now I'm MP, and there is a very good man on Harley Street.
They need some work.
Yeah? Don't you think? Erm, well-well I'm not sure that's Ah, do you think they look good enough? Umwell I think they do.
Ermthat's your decision, of course.
I need hard tits so the people respect me.
What do you think? Fergana, let's not play games.
Yes, don't let's So, we were hoping to take this opportunity to have a little talk.
We're concerned about some of the goings-on in the country.
Do you mind if I smoke? How do you think your father will respond to what's going on? You will have to ask him that yourself.
London has the best surgeons.
That is why I want to visit.
Now will you give me this visa? Certainly.
Of course we will.
Pure class.
Now, please, tell your beautiful wife that I look forward very much to our shopping trip.
Huh? It's my treat.
It would be great honour.
Well done, you guys.
You certainly had her on the ropes there.
This country disgusts me.
What's happened? There was an anti-government demonstration this morning and we had a lot of injured in.
Then the police turned up and took away three men.
Are you OK? It's not about me.
They claimed they were the ring leaders.
The regime is panicking.
A lot of this is the police overreacting.
There are a lot of people in hospital with gunshot wounds and I need you to make sure that they're safe.
Well Well? Well, don't tell me that you can't.
In this case, "doing nothing" is not the right choice.
I didn't say that.
I need to find out what's exactly going on, Jennifer, then I can do something.
We need action, Neil.
Ten more clashes today according to the news agencies.
This is Oybek Yerzhan's latest offering.
I think you're going to have to go and meet him, Keith.
Maybe.
But let's be careful who we make friends with.
This Yerzhan used to be a drug runner.
Maybe with Karsak it's a case of - better the dictator you know! True.
But if Yerzhan gets his hands on the oil fields we might wish we'd built some bridges.
If I get caught trying to meet him - I'll be finished with Karsak.
And London will probably recall you.
This Yerzhan's hardly on the verge of power, is he? Some chaos in one northern town doesn't make this the Tazbek Spring.
You sound like President Assad.
What?! That's what Assad said, some chaos doesn't make a spring.
You think I'm like a Middle Eastern dictator? Look, Keith, they're threatening to close all the borders and the airspace.
I've never known the regime to resort to that.
No flights.
We'd be stuck with bloody Ian Paisley for the rest of the year.
Oh God.
I spend my whole career studiously avoiding rushing into things like this.
And, by the way, it hasn't all been about inaction, fence sitting and pleasing everyone.
Nobody said that.
OK.
I want to meet this Yerzhan.
If it works, it'll put us way ahead of POD's curve.
Great.
OK.
So all we have to do now is find him.
I think we can do this through Tanya's brother.
I don't know.
I'll talk to her.
But he is involved.
So you keep saying.
Try it.
And I'll get Jennifer to go shopping with Fergana.
Maybe she can get something out of her.
When I go, nobody - but nobody, must know about it.
Not our allies.
Not even Jennifer.
It's for her own security as well as mine.
Are you at present drinking more than 21 units per week? That's about six glasses of wine.
A week? You mean a day? I mean a week.
SHE LAUGHS Oh.
Well, yes, I'm trying my best to.
That's a ceiling, not a target.
CAITLIN: It'll be around the 40 mark.
More than 40? Yes.
More than 40.
Have you been unfaithful to your partner? No.
But then I don't have a regular partner.
I have a number of irregular partners to whom I am neither faithful nor unfaithful - fuck buddies.
THEY SNIGGER We don't want to control affection, we just want to know where it lies.
What's wrong with your mother? She's old I haven't seen her.
Why not? As you can see, I'm not there - I'm here.
What, is she a security issue!? She's in hospital with chronic emphysema, isn't she? Why're you're here and not there? Have you not visited her? No.
Why not? When she left my father it made me angry.
I wasblaming her for destroying the family .
.
for hurting my dad so much.
That was unfair of me.
I've never said sorry to her.
And now I might not get the chance.
My ambassador wants to meet with Yerzhan.
Can your brother set it up? That's great.
Thank you.
They need his help.
Thank you.
I didn't think you'd come through like this.
Neither did I.
Let's see what happens.
But he can't be caught doing it.
It's OK.
It's all encrypted.
Imagine this place with no Karsak.
And no secret police.
No Fergana.
Oh, I wouldn't go that far.
That's right, Ambassador.
Then at 4.
30 you have a video conference with the UK Working Differently Group to discuss amendments to local employment practice.
I really appreciate what you're doing.
The People's Princess almost certainly won't tell me anything.
Erm, I was thinking the other day, erm, if anything were ever to happen to me I'd want no exchange of prisoners, no negotiations, no ransom.
Well, isn't that a bit dramatic? You're only going off to another EU budget meeting.
Well, they have their own inherent dangers.
Erm, actually the situation out there is quite dramatic.
OK, all right, well - if asked - I promise to pay no ransom.
Daisy and I will trouser the insurance money and go and have a rachity life in the south of France.
Oh, and have you had a response from Barts? Not yet.
Ah.
Fingers crossed.
For what? You getting it.
I'd better go and change.
Don't worry.
Sergei's good at this stuff.
FERGANA: I don't like to shop with the people.
They bring here is much better.
Now, Jennifer, there is something I really need your advice about.
What's that? In England, I find Saturday morning such a difficult time to dress for.
What do you wear on Saturday mornings? Well, I mainly just wear jeans and trainers, really.
Really? I normally go for .
Something like that.
But you think it's wrong? It's not wrong.
I just haven't got any .
I think you'll look fabulous in these.
Let me buy them for you.
Oh, you have to much leopard print, okay.
I don't have any.
What?! But everybody must have leopard print.
You know you can wear with anything.
Including a doctor's coat? Aaah! You look completely wonderful.
Jennifer, in England, what do people do between cocktails and dinner? Well, that is an awkward hour.
I mainly fill it with sex.
Hmmm.
Thank you.
No signal.
We're on our own.
Sergei, I can't help noticing that you've got a machine gun down the side of your seat.
Insurance.
Right.
In the UK, insurance normally comes with a no claims bonus.
Or perhaps free windscreen coverage.
This is better insurance.
In case of violent ambush, which would you prefer? This is great.
Thank you, Fergana.
It's so nice to have a break from the hospital.
It's been a tough week.
Why? We've had a lot of nasty injuries in.
Police have hurt people.
Why? During the demonstrations.
Oh, don't worry about that.
Now, you can reassure your collegues it will all be over soon.
Dada has found out where the foreign-backed terrorists are.
He's going to kill them all.
Oh, good.
Where are they? Some shithole peasant place called Atbayeva.
I have copy of my CD I want to give you.
Don't let me forget.
JLo accompanies me on one of the songs.
Do you know JLo? No.
I just paid a lot of money.
THUNDER RUMBLES You're allowed to do this, you know, Caitlin.
Don't rush back.
Be with your mum.
I'm sure there'll be lots of other Tazbek crises for to enjoy over the years.
Thanks, Neil.
Look, keep me posted.
And if Kevin phones, will you tell him where I've gone? Yeah.
And good luck with Mr Paisley.
I'm afraid I told him all about our affair - I had to - he had me on the rack.
Oh, I had job.
I was working at a cinema in Stevenage.
I had a girlfriend there.
Debs.
You were in Stevenage? Mmmm.
That's so dull, it must be true! And the following year you travelled to Russia.
Yes.
And I've talked about my year there in some detail to the office.
I didn't ask you whether you had.
Have you at any time, now or previously, handed any classified documents or information to any one you shouldn't have? No.
That's a lie.
You just lied to me then.
Excuse me, Neil.
Jennifer's back and she can't find Keith.
She's looking for him everywhere.
I'm sorry.
This is urgent.
I didn't lie.
We'll have to pick this up another time.
And they've just closed all the borders and the airports.
I need to leave for Tehran tomorrow and we haven't finished with this.
Oh, we'll do our best to get you out.
Neil, where's Keith? He's at theerEU Budget thing.
He's gone to meet Yerzhan.
I hope he hasn't gone to somewhere called Atbayeva.
- That's where the rebels are.
- Well, he has to be stopped.
- Why? Fergana said they're going to bomb the place tonight, flatten it.
We've got to stop him getting there.
You call Sergei.
Do you think I'm doing the right thing? Meeting this man? I think you are doing a very brave thing.
That's not quite what I asked Well I couldn't get on a flight.
The airport's closed.
Can you put me on to Mum please Jess? Well even if she can't speak, she can still hear me.
How do you know she doesn't want to? Don't hang up.
I should have gone when you first said.
You should always do what I say.
Now I want to go and I can't.
I'm sure the mighty leader is about to lift this airspace thing and then you'll be on a plane.
Any word from the road? OK, well, keep trying.
Otherwise they might get into trouble.
The Americans have a military plane leaving tonight for Qatar - getting some of their folk out, if we want people on it.
Foreign nationals only.
Caitlin, you should get on that.
OK.
Good.
Anyone else who we think should be on that flight? Yes, tell Jackson to get on it too.
I'd be delighted to.
Of course I drink more than 21 units a week! PHONE RINGS Tanya? Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's happened? I think they know about my brother.
I need to see if my family's OK.
You can't.
If this is about the uprising then they'll be watching your parent's house.
If you get arrested then God knows what will happen.
Youyou've got to get out.
Where to? Out of the country.
Your friends - anywhere.
Maybe I should go north and join the fight? No, no.
Please, for me.
It could all still be over horribly quickly if the president sends in troops.
Not if the West had helped.
They're not going to help.
You have got to get out.
I can't get across the border.
There are checkpoints on every road.
I can find a way.
Tell your brother to get out of Atbayeva.
They know he's there.
9:43.
Well, then, I don't suppose you can expect punctuality from rebels?! I mean, they're rebels, aren't they? I could try my Tazbek up here.
Who with? Thanks.
Ah, great, you're still here.
There's no hurry any more.
Oh, Caitlin.
I'm so sorry.
Is there anything I can do? PHONE RINGS You can get these fucking oil workers off my back.
They're insisting we charter them a plane.
I'm inclined to charter them a turd instead.
PHONE RINGS HE HANGS UP SHE LAUGHS TEARFULLY LookI know this isn't I know this isn't a good time, but, erm, I need you to help me.
No, that's good.
What? Can you create an emergency travel document for someone? They're still looking for her.
You never get her through checkpoints.
I'm working on that.
Thanks.
Have you made contact with him yet? What on earth possessed him? 22:48.
They are not coming.
This is them.
Let's go.
No, Sergei.
This might be one of those moments.
One of these moments you hear about people having when they do something and And you only hear about them because they did something.
And maybe I had loads of moments like that but I've never noticed before.
But I've noticed this one and now we can do something.
We know he's up there.
Let's go and find him.
Time to go.
And we're giving Emma Ferguson a lift too, if that's all right.
We never finished your vetting renewal.
Next time.
Uprising's tend to take precedence over bureaucracy.
Ah, greetings, Ambassador.
Fancy seeing you here.
I was in the area visiting a carpet factory.
Yes, so were we.
It's their use of natural dyes that I find so innovative.
Mr Jackson, I know this won't come naturally, but I need you to do exactly what I say.
Mr Jackson, I said do as I say.
I didn't say be rude to the soldier, did I? Ms Ferguson, whatever happens, don't get out the car.
interrogator, he needs to get on this flight.
He's needed in Guantanamo Bay.
Mr Jackson? Mr Robert Jackson? It's you! Mr 21? THE SOLDIERS LAUGH HAPPILY Just go with it.
OK, guys.
All right.
Ready Mr Jackson! Lovely.
Oh, that's a lovely one.
Good.
Mr Jackson, you're notyou're not smiling, Mr Jackson.
Oh, that's a lovely one.
Right.
Good.
Serious one now.
Serious.
Think of Lennon.
Okay.
Everybody, just point your gun at him.
Yeah, marvelous.
Here we go.
Complete.
Goodbye, Mr 21.
"We don't want to control affection, we just want to know where it lies.
" DISTANT EXPLOSIONS I do hope you're not about to be killed by one of your own helicopters.
Still, I don't suppose they're anything like as effective as you claimed in the brochure.
LOUD EXPLOSION Government troops attacking.
How are we going to explain this to our governments? If we survive? What could they do? Send us to a remote, dangerous part of the world and pay us badly? There is no Miss Ferguson working for your embassy.
I know.
And I know if you'd be aware of the dangers of revealing anything which may be of aid to our enemies.
Walk to the plane.
Do not look back.
Safe home.
Shut the fuck up, sir, we're here to get you out.
Who are you? Jones, sir.
Thank me later.
He's one of ours.
What about him? That's the French Ambassador.
Do you want us to rescue him? Davis, you bastard.
Why are you dressed as Tazbek military? We've been helping the president to supress the rebels.
What? How long have you been in the country? Three days.
No one told me there were British forces here.
I'm the ambassador.
The MOD is obliged to tell me these things.
Oh, they have brought you.
No amount of pastries you send can ever convey enough gratitude.
Right, let's go, Charlie.
I passed on your warning.
God knows if it got to them.
I hope so.
Find my brother for me.
You know I will.
Finally you're getting to leave the country - like you always wanted.
I wish I could say I'll miss you.
At least they weren't our helicopters.
No.
Just our Special Forces.
It was always going to end like this, Neil.
Maybe.
It was our government that helped it end like this.
Did POD know about our boys being here? I don't know.
He's gone rather quiet.
You did the right thing you know, going up there.
Why the fuck didn't you send a plane to get us, Cat? Huh? You know oil refineries are targets.
We had to come back in a coach.
As I said, Kevin, we didn't think a plane was necessary.
What do I pay my taxes for if it's not for something like this? Huh? Sorry? Something like what? This uprising.
Protection.
Rescue.
Three things.
One - it's over.
Two - the refinery wasn't attacked, so you didn't need rescuing.
No-one knew that it wouldn't be.
And three - as far as I understand it, Kevin, you don't pay taxes.
That's one of the attractions for you working here, isn't it? In the passport you lost it says that we afford twats like you the assistence and protection that is necessary.
That does not mean that we send in the SAS anytime someone fires a pistol in the air.
This is Tazbekistan, not Sevenoaks! Don't you ever scare me again like you did yesterday.
I'm sorry.
I won't do it again.
Trust me.
Honestly, I won't do anything like that ever again.
Why didn't you tell me? Am I not to be trusted? Course you are.
What are you wearing? Do you think I'm going to go round this town blowing my mouth off? It was to protect everyone.
I couldn't tell you.
I hate parts of your job.
Did you wear that stuff to work? Fergana bought it for me.
I quite like it, actually.
You look amazing.
You don't think I look like a Central Asian prostitute? Yeah! Er no.
Yeah, no.
I've got some bad news - about my job application.
I know.
You've been called to a final interview.
How do you know that? I have my ways.
What you gonna do? I go for the interview.
Don't dress like that, though.
In fact, actually, do.
DOOR OPENS Keith, sorry.
POD wants to talk to you now.
Sorry, Mrs Petrova.
Needs must.
I've got a horrible feeling he's mulling a visit.
He'll never come out here again.
It's the one advantage of being at the arse-end of nowhere.
What have you got there? The French embassy have sent us a small box of pastries for some reason.
Well done, Davis, for not being tempted to go and meet those rebels.
Yes, that was a good call.
I'm good at knowing when to do nothing.
Mmm.
I'm totally impressed by the way you two have held it together during this crisis.
Although Jackson did make some interesting observations.
So I'm going to pop in for a visit on my way to HongKong.
Oh.
Good.
So start hoovering the red carpet.
WEBCHAT ENDS
2, Never surprise me.
Are you thinking of declaring war on anyone, Ambassador? No, not yet.
What do you make of him? I like HER.
- I've been asked to apply for a job.
- What is it? Deputy Head of Cardiology at Barts.
This is the guest list for the Trooping of the Colour.
These are the home telephone numbers of Ann Widdecombe and Lembit Opik.
I think it could be dangerous for you.
They might decide that you're a good way to get to me.
I can see why you come in here so much.
Well it's the best place to get drunk and find an oil-engineer to shag.
Can I get you girls a drink? Oh, hi, Kevin! I was just talking about you(!) - He is arranging for you to see the president tomorrow morning.
- The president? You want to talk about your British helicoptors, don't you(?) - Prince Mark is a proven trade envoy - This country has completely won my heart Your women are the most beautiful I've seen.
They got pissed together.
Of course.
Proper diplomacy.
When the president says he'd like to talk about Tazbekistan's new military capabilities, you always know you're in for another three hours.
I had no idea there were so many different types of missiles.
It's the combination of missile and hand of destiny you've got to worry about.
You asked me to draft this week's DipTel to London.
I did it during the speech.
Ah, well done.
Let's have a look.
The advantage of being sat at the back.
"The president's platinum jubilee has finally arrived.
" I mention the unrest further on.
Shouldn't platinum be 70 years? Here, they have a different system.
Here, it's whatever the president wants.
THUNDER RUMBLES Did you manage to find out about this vetting officer who's coming? Mr Jackson? He was seconded out to the Americans for a while.
They loved him.
They christened him Guantanamo Bob.
Is this vetting for everyone? Just the Brits.
How's your Mum? My sister said she's taken a turn for the worse.
But she says that every time I call.
You know you can head home anytime you want.
Don't you? - How would you cope? - We wouldn't.
Sergei, are you coming to our little jubilee celebration tonight? No.
Jubilee is big day of sorrow.
I will stay home and clean guns.
Hmm.
That's great, thanks.
Ah, Isabel! Welcome.
Ludmilla is serving a great Tazbek delicacy - curried eggs on cardboard.
And if you're feeling brave she's made a special jubilee vodka punch.
I'll just have wine, thanks.
Ah, the president's daughter.
My favourite Tazbek woman.
Ah, well then you'll be aware of all her different roles in the country.
I think I am.
She's the national football manager, UNESCO Ambassador, a model, pop star, charity patron, MP And an important wine producer.
Ludmilla, will you join us for a little jubilee libation? - When a man's house is on fire, now is not the time to dig the well.
- Well there you have it(!) Oop!.
Fergana's new song's on the telly.
They call me hell, they call me Stacey, they call me eurgh, they call me Jane, - Does she succeed her father? - Who knows(?) It would be preferable to her singing.
Or managing our football team.
Keith, isn't it your job to object to this sort of nepotism? In a way.
We should get Prince Charles to head up a task force.
You want this woman to become leader of the country? That's not my name It's not really a question of what we want.
Ah, Natalia, you've arrived just in time to save me from an ethical grilling by my wife.
Chateau Fergana red or Chateau Fergana white? I will not drink her grapes.
Beer, please.
We've had the daughter.
Now the dada.
He's got the same curtains as you.
EXPLOSIONS What was that? Fireworks.
Sounded like gunfire.
Don't they teach you the difference at the Foreign Office? It is gunfire.
And sometimes it doesn't.
I'll get a torch.
The mobile network's down as well.
Keith, we erneed to talk.
No.
Nothing on any of the news websites.
What do you think, Neil? Tanya thinks people shouldn't go out.
What's she heard? Her brother is involved in the opposition.
Is he? Yes.
Your girlfriend's brother is part of the opposition? That's right.
The deputy head of mission's girlfriend's brother is involved with the opposition(?) That is the situation.
Yes.
Well she'd better be careful Neil Hmm.
I think we should offer the people the opportunity to stay the night just in case.
The good news is there's 40 bottles of Chateau Fergana to get through.
DISTANT GUNFIRE PHONE RINGS Sergei? What? Man on gate? He's a betting man? Justjust get rid of him.
Oh, shit.
Sergei, did he say betting man, or vetting man? - London told us you were arriving on the 23rd - It is the 23rd! - We were sending a car.
- That's a lie.
Um.
Well um, come through here.
Let me at least get you a drink.
Long Journey and all that.
We've had a platinum jubilee party, which is why it is like this.
The red's not bad.
I'm not a drinking man, Ambassador.
Neither was I till I came here.
What the fuck's going on? Mr Jackson, the vetting officer, has just arrived.
Right.
This is Neil Tilly, deputy ambassador.
He keeps the place ticking over smoothly.
I thought you were due tomorrow.
It is tomorrow.
NEIL COUGHS MOANING And who's this? Eralocal consultant.
I run bar.
Let's get you a bedroom.
I'll put you in here tonight, if that's OK? Ah, yes, er, of course, that's Caitlin, head of consular.
CAITLIN SNORES Very able.
Ermlet's use this one.
Ah, yes, Natalia.
I thought it was best if everyone stayed after the party because of agitation on the street.
There is agitation on the streets, we thinkpossibly.
Better safe than sorry.
Can I help? Erermer No.
I'm just looking for a spare bedroom.
This is Mr Jackson.
Is everything OK? Yes, thanks, Isabel.
Isabel - everyone - this is Mr Jackson, the vetting officer.
Mr Jackson, this is Isabel, our trade and political secretary.
Er So, er, yep.
M.
May.
.
maybe Natalia if you slept with Isabel, er, just for tonight.
- I don't mind.
- I can sleep with Caitlin Yes aah, or, or maybe if you slept with Jennifer - Who's Jennifer - My wife.
- Have I met her yet? No, she's asleep.
Or, Isabel, you could sleep with Caitlin.
Who shall I sleep with, Keith? What's going on? What in the name of all that is holy is going on in your country? No sooner has Prince Charming nailed us the oil contract - you let the whole place burst into flames.
There've been indications of trouble in the build-up to the jubilee, as I reported in my DipTel of Right now, I'm hearing about extensive violent clashes, shootings, deaths.
Are you? Who from? Who are these people? Where are they? What do they want? Well we think we know who they are - basically some of the usual suspects.
Any contacts with them? Not at the moment.
Why not? There's been a variety of opposition leaders and groups here over the years.
We don't know who's leading this at the moment.
Well find out.
Talk to them.
I've got to brief the Secretary of State on what to say to the PM about this.
As you know, sir, No 10 have been at pains to discourage anything that might disrupt our close relationship with President Karzak Quite right too Well, the president has always been very clear about how he'd react if he found out that foreign embassies had contacts with opposition groups And he often does find out.
We won that oil contract because of our good relationship with the prez.
Yes.
But that was then and this is now.
I don't want to jump the gun but, if this conflict develops, we need to have picked the winner.
It's way too early to suggest this is a substantial threat to the regime.
17th December 2010, Tunisia - an illiterate fruit and veg seller in Sidi Bouzid, a small desert town no-one had ever heard of - set himself on fire in a dispute over his stall permit.
Six months later, half the regimes in the Middle East had fallen and none of us saw it coming.
I've got a meeting with the prez at lunch time.
I'll try and find out what he's thinking.
Good.
But remember, you're the ones with the boots in the sand, the ear of the bazaar, the whisper of the souk.
Get me the inside track because we can only wholeheartedly back the winner once we know who the winner is going to be.
If they're going to win - go and meet them.
And if they're not, don't.
Exactly.
And it's vital not to share our thinking on this with any of our allies - especially the French.
- No.
- Yep.
It's a question of signalling left and turning right Bad signalling Got it! I need you to stay out of the curve If there's a boat leaving I don't want to miss it I wonder which boat he was referring to? Or which curve for that matter.
You know he came on a visit here last year? Just turned up unannounced, on his way to Auckland.
What? No.
I'm sure your predecessor's breakdown would have happened anyway.
Can I speak to the nurse? Jess, it's not that I don't trust your judgment I have to go but I'll call you right back.
Hello, Consular.
Oh, hi, Kevin.
What's happening? No, there's no plans to evacuate at the moment.
What? Has that been verified? Well, how many have been injured? What? No, what you hear in a bar does not constitute as evidence.
I know there's tension in the north east.
I was the one that told you! I have got to go.
I'm coming.
Fuck it! Okay!? The oil workers want us to guarantee their safety.
Poor deers.
We're receiving breaking news from Tazbekistan.
This footage is as yet unverified, but it appears to show 'running battles with the police in the north east of the country.
'The scale of unrest is as yet unclear.
' Casualties? Difficult to verify because a news blackout came into effect this morning.
The trouble with this sort of footage is you can't tell if it's the start of a revolution or a fight in the pub.
In this country, they can be the same thing.
All the internet is down, right across town.
So we have no clear sense of the scale of this? Not really.
Well, we need to find out.
Where is this unrest heading? Will it last? How will the president react? London needs the inside track on both sides.
The opposition is supposedly led by a man called Oybek Yerzhan.
He used to be a heroin trafficker.
His tweets over the last few months talk about attacking the capital.
OK, if he does, are our evacuation plans up to speed? The 200 Brits in the capital are easy to get out.
The problem is the 450 oil engineers in the north east.
Stay in contact with them, Caitlin.
I'm on the phone with them every twenty minutes, asking for updates on whether their bank balance does make it hard.
Eh one final thing.
Mister Jackson, the vetting officer arrived last night as some of you will recall Far from ideal, giving the situation outside, but London takes these vetting renewals seriously.
So should we.
Don't worry if the process makes you nervous.
That's normal.
The people it doesn't make nervous are spies.
Precisely.
Did I dream it, or did Jackson walk from the airport last night? It's 15 miles.
Hmm.
London thinks the violence is simply the country letting off steam, as it's periodically prone to do.
A "brush fire" was how my Minister put it.
London's main worry is that the president will deploy those nasty attack helicopters you insisted on selling him.
They'll really only be used to protect YOUR oil fields.
DAVIS CHUCKLES Hello, Petra.
Have you congratulated the president on his platinum jubilee? I just had a very special four minutes with him.
He's in a good mood obviously - at such an outpouring of unfettered support for his long, untroubled reign.
Your Excellency.
So, how is my friend Prince Mark? On terrific form, I gather.
I'm glad to hear it.
Tell him I look forward to his next visit for some golf and perhaps a little Black Label on the 19th.
His idea of heaven, your Excellency.
Oh, and tell him from me to stop being such a total wanker.
Nothing would give me more pleasure.
Okay.
Let's call him.
Whatwhat do you want? Tell him, from me, to stop being such a total wanker.
I'd rather not.
'This is Mark, Duke of Bath.
Leave a message if you must.
' Er HE CLEARS THROA H-hello, Your Highness, this is Ambassador Davis here calling from Tazbekistan to ask if you could, please, stop being such a total wanker.
This is a message from Good.
That's funny.
Ha.
Yes.
Funny.
Erm, Your Excellency, I just wanted to set your mind at rest, and reassure you, Sir, that London is one hundred percent behind you.
Well, why would they not be?! I I mean, with the troubles in the north What troubles? Have you spoken to your brother? First they want to take back the region.
Then they want Karsak out for good.
No shit.
But they need help, Neil.
Money and weapons.
Western governments won't support them until they know they'll be successful.
They won't be successful unless they get help.
Hedging our bets - it's what governments do best.
We're too invested in Karsak.
I'm not asking governments for help, I'm asking you.
What can you do? Aren't you a man of influence, Mister Diplomat-man? I wish I was.
But you are, Neil.
If you want to be.
You can talk to your ambassador, who talks to London.
He rarely talks to London.
And when he does, they hate him.
Then what's the point of you being here? What's the point of you? Good question.
OK.
Let's get through this, shall we? Have you at any time, now or previously, handed classified documents or information to known enemies of Her Majesty's Government? No.
Have you at any time embarrassed the Foreign Office? HE LAUGHS I love that question.
By normal criteria - no.
Very good.
Would you say you are too inclined to please others? I used to be.
But they didn't like it.
So I stopped.
JACKSON CHUCKLES Looking at your career, would you say you have a natural inclination towards inaction? You say it like it's a bad thing! I hope not.
I do think it's important not to rush into things.
Sometimes doing nothing is the correct response.
I do act when it's necessary, though.
I think.
I hope.
Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife? No.
Has she ever been unfaithful to you? No.
No.
To your knowledge she has never been unfaithful to you? Yes! No Not even with the man who's now offering her a job at St Barts? What, they've offered her the job? He's called her in for interview.
How do you know? She hasn't had a reply.
Not yet.
HE LAUGHS I'm sorry, but I don't see how this has anything to do with security or my vetting.
KNOCK ON DOOR Ambassador, Fergana Karsak is here to see you.
Interruptions are not ideal.
She's the president's daughter.
I know who she is.
Well, then you'll be aware that at this moment she takes priority.
What does Fergana want? A British visa.
Why? What's Jackson like? He's verythorough.
Awful.
Ms Karsak, a great honour.
Ambassador.
Your father must be delighted with the jubilee celebrations.
Yes, though nothing could repay the years of selfless sacrifice he has given this country.
Please take a seat.
Why do you employ villagers? I'm sorry? Well, I don't normally talk to the staff but the woman who just bring me the tea? Ludmilla? She is from the village.
You must let me recommend you better staff.
Thank you.
But I leave the residential staff employment in the capable hands of my wife.
Oh, I love your wife.
Yes, I remember seeing how she dressed at your Queen's jubilee celebrations.
Diamond jubilee - 60 years.
Do you think she would allow me to take her shopping? Ehm, well, I be delighted to ask her.
But you're here to discuss a UK visa? Hmm But granting is a formality, of course, but we're interested to hear your plans for when you visit Britain.
Well, I want to make improvements to my breasts now I'm MP, and there is a very good man on Harley Street.
They need some work.
Yeah? Don't you think? Erm, well-well I'm not sure that's Ah, do you think they look good enough? Umwell I think they do.
Ermthat's your decision, of course.
I need hard tits so the people respect me.
What do you think? Fergana, let's not play games.
Yes, don't let's So, we were hoping to take this opportunity to have a little talk.
We're concerned about some of the goings-on in the country.
Do you mind if I smoke? How do you think your father will respond to what's going on? You will have to ask him that yourself.
London has the best surgeons.
That is why I want to visit.
Now will you give me this visa? Certainly.
Of course we will.
Pure class.
Now, please, tell your beautiful wife that I look forward very much to our shopping trip.
Huh? It's my treat.
It would be great honour.
Well done, you guys.
You certainly had her on the ropes there.
This country disgusts me.
What's happened? There was an anti-government demonstration this morning and we had a lot of injured in.
Then the police turned up and took away three men.
Are you OK? It's not about me.
They claimed they were the ring leaders.
The regime is panicking.
A lot of this is the police overreacting.
There are a lot of people in hospital with gunshot wounds and I need you to make sure that they're safe.
Well Well? Well, don't tell me that you can't.
In this case, "doing nothing" is not the right choice.
I didn't say that.
I need to find out what's exactly going on, Jennifer, then I can do something.
We need action, Neil.
Ten more clashes today according to the news agencies.
This is Oybek Yerzhan's latest offering.
I think you're going to have to go and meet him, Keith.
Maybe.
But let's be careful who we make friends with.
This Yerzhan used to be a drug runner.
Maybe with Karsak it's a case of - better the dictator you know! True.
But if Yerzhan gets his hands on the oil fields we might wish we'd built some bridges.
If I get caught trying to meet him - I'll be finished with Karsak.
And London will probably recall you.
This Yerzhan's hardly on the verge of power, is he? Some chaos in one northern town doesn't make this the Tazbek Spring.
You sound like President Assad.
What?! That's what Assad said, some chaos doesn't make a spring.
You think I'm like a Middle Eastern dictator? Look, Keith, they're threatening to close all the borders and the airspace.
I've never known the regime to resort to that.
No flights.
We'd be stuck with bloody Ian Paisley for the rest of the year.
Oh God.
I spend my whole career studiously avoiding rushing into things like this.
And, by the way, it hasn't all been about inaction, fence sitting and pleasing everyone.
Nobody said that.
OK.
I want to meet this Yerzhan.
If it works, it'll put us way ahead of POD's curve.
Great.
OK.
So all we have to do now is find him.
I think we can do this through Tanya's brother.
I don't know.
I'll talk to her.
But he is involved.
So you keep saying.
Try it.
And I'll get Jennifer to go shopping with Fergana.
Maybe she can get something out of her.
When I go, nobody - but nobody, must know about it.
Not our allies.
Not even Jennifer.
It's for her own security as well as mine.
Are you at present drinking more than 21 units per week? That's about six glasses of wine.
A week? You mean a day? I mean a week.
SHE LAUGHS Oh.
Well, yes, I'm trying my best to.
That's a ceiling, not a target.
CAITLIN: It'll be around the 40 mark.
More than 40? Yes.
More than 40.
Have you been unfaithful to your partner? No.
But then I don't have a regular partner.
I have a number of irregular partners to whom I am neither faithful nor unfaithful - fuck buddies.
THEY SNIGGER We don't want to control affection, we just want to know where it lies.
What's wrong with your mother? She's old I haven't seen her.
Why not? As you can see, I'm not there - I'm here.
What, is she a security issue!? She's in hospital with chronic emphysema, isn't she? Why're you're here and not there? Have you not visited her? No.
Why not? When she left my father it made me angry.
I wasblaming her for destroying the family .
.
for hurting my dad so much.
That was unfair of me.
I've never said sorry to her.
And now I might not get the chance.
My ambassador wants to meet with Yerzhan.
Can your brother set it up? That's great.
Thank you.
They need his help.
Thank you.
I didn't think you'd come through like this.
Neither did I.
Let's see what happens.
But he can't be caught doing it.
It's OK.
It's all encrypted.
Imagine this place with no Karsak.
And no secret police.
No Fergana.
Oh, I wouldn't go that far.
That's right, Ambassador.
Then at 4.
30 you have a video conference with the UK Working Differently Group to discuss amendments to local employment practice.
I really appreciate what you're doing.
The People's Princess almost certainly won't tell me anything.
Erm, I was thinking the other day, erm, if anything were ever to happen to me I'd want no exchange of prisoners, no negotiations, no ransom.
Well, isn't that a bit dramatic? You're only going off to another EU budget meeting.
Well, they have their own inherent dangers.
Erm, actually the situation out there is quite dramatic.
OK, all right, well - if asked - I promise to pay no ransom.
Daisy and I will trouser the insurance money and go and have a rachity life in the south of France.
Oh, and have you had a response from Barts? Not yet.
Ah.
Fingers crossed.
For what? You getting it.
I'd better go and change.
Don't worry.
Sergei's good at this stuff.
FERGANA: I don't like to shop with the people.
They bring here is much better.
Now, Jennifer, there is something I really need your advice about.
What's that? In England, I find Saturday morning such a difficult time to dress for.
What do you wear on Saturday mornings? Well, I mainly just wear jeans and trainers, really.
Really? I normally go for .
Something like that.
But you think it's wrong? It's not wrong.
I just haven't got any .
I think you'll look fabulous in these.
Let me buy them for you.
Oh, you have to much leopard print, okay.
I don't have any.
What?! But everybody must have leopard print.
You know you can wear with anything.
Including a doctor's coat? Aaah! You look completely wonderful.
Jennifer, in England, what do people do between cocktails and dinner? Well, that is an awkward hour.
I mainly fill it with sex.
Hmmm.
Thank you.
No signal.
We're on our own.
Sergei, I can't help noticing that you've got a machine gun down the side of your seat.
Insurance.
Right.
In the UK, insurance normally comes with a no claims bonus.
Or perhaps free windscreen coverage.
This is better insurance.
In case of violent ambush, which would you prefer? This is great.
Thank you, Fergana.
It's so nice to have a break from the hospital.
It's been a tough week.
Why? We've had a lot of nasty injuries in.
Police have hurt people.
Why? During the demonstrations.
Oh, don't worry about that.
Now, you can reassure your collegues it will all be over soon.
Dada has found out where the foreign-backed terrorists are.
He's going to kill them all.
Oh, good.
Where are they? Some shithole peasant place called Atbayeva.
I have copy of my CD I want to give you.
Don't let me forget.
JLo accompanies me on one of the songs.
Do you know JLo? No.
I just paid a lot of money.
THUNDER RUMBLES You're allowed to do this, you know, Caitlin.
Don't rush back.
Be with your mum.
I'm sure there'll be lots of other Tazbek crises for to enjoy over the years.
Thanks, Neil.
Look, keep me posted.
And if Kevin phones, will you tell him where I've gone? Yeah.
And good luck with Mr Paisley.
I'm afraid I told him all about our affair - I had to - he had me on the rack.
Oh, I had job.
I was working at a cinema in Stevenage.
I had a girlfriend there.
Debs.
You were in Stevenage? Mmmm.
That's so dull, it must be true! And the following year you travelled to Russia.
Yes.
And I've talked about my year there in some detail to the office.
I didn't ask you whether you had.
Have you at any time, now or previously, handed any classified documents or information to any one you shouldn't have? No.
That's a lie.
You just lied to me then.
Excuse me, Neil.
Jennifer's back and she can't find Keith.
She's looking for him everywhere.
I'm sorry.
This is urgent.
I didn't lie.
We'll have to pick this up another time.
And they've just closed all the borders and the airports.
I need to leave for Tehran tomorrow and we haven't finished with this.
Oh, we'll do our best to get you out.
Neil, where's Keith? He's at theerEU Budget thing.
He's gone to meet Yerzhan.
I hope he hasn't gone to somewhere called Atbayeva.
- That's where the rebels are.
- Well, he has to be stopped.
- Why? Fergana said they're going to bomb the place tonight, flatten it.
We've got to stop him getting there.
You call Sergei.
Do you think I'm doing the right thing? Meeting this man? I think you are doing a very brave thing.
That's not quite what I asked Well I couldn't get on a flight.
The airport's closed.
Can you put me on to Mum please Jess? Well even if she can't speak, she can still hear me.
How do you know she doesn't want to? Don't hang up.
I should have gone when you first said.
You should always do what I say.
Now I want to go and I can't.
I'm sure the mighty leader is about to lift this airspace thing and then you'll be on a plane.
Any word from the road? OK, well, keep trying.
Otherwise they might get into trouble.
The Americans have a military plane leaving tonight for Qatar - getting some of their folk out, if we want people on it.
Foreign nationals only.
Caitlin, you should get on that.
OK.
Good.
Anyone else who we think should be on that flight? Yes, tell Jackson to get on it too.
I'd be delighted to.
Of course I drink more than 21 units a week! PHONE RINGS Tanya? Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's happened? I think they know about my brother.
I need to see if my family's OK.
You can't.
If this is about the uprising then they'll be watching your parent's house.
If you get arrested then God knows what will happen.
Youyou've got to get out.
Where to? Out of the country.
Your friends - anywhere.
Maybe I should go north and join the fight? No, no.
Please, for me.
It could all still be over horribly quickly if the president sends in troops.
Not if the West had helped.
They're not going to help.
You have got to get out.
I can't get across the border.
There are checkpoints on every road.
I can find a way.
Tell your brother to get out of Atbayeva.
They know he's there.
9:43.
Well, then, I don't suppose you can expect punctuality from rebels?! I mean, they're rebels, aren't they? I could try my Tazbek up here.
Who with? Thanks.
Ah, great, you're still here.
There's no hurry any more.
Oh, Caitlin.
I'm so sorry.
Is there anything I can do? PHONE RINGS You can get these fucking oil workers off my back.
They're insisting we charter them a plane.
I'm inclined to charter them a turd instead.
PHONE RINGS HE HANGS UP SHE LAUGHS TEARFULLY LookI know this isn't I know this isn't a good time, but, erm, I need you to help me.
No, that's good.
What? Can you create an emergency travel document for someone? They're still looking for her.
You never get her through checkpoints.
I'm working on that.
Thanks.
Have you made contact with him yet? What on earth possessed him? 22:48.
They are not coming.
This is them.
Let's go.
No, Sergei.
This might be one of those moments.
One of these moments you hear about people having when they do something and And you only hear about them because they did something.
And maybe I had loads of moments like that but I've never noticed before.
But I've noticed this one and now we can do something.
We know he's up there.
Let's go and find him.
Time to go.
And we're giving Emma Ferguson a lift too, if that's all right.
We never finished your vetting renewal.
Next time.
Uprising's tend to take precedence over bureaucracy.
Ah, greetings, Ambassador.
Fancy seeing you here.
I was in the area visiting a carpet factory.
Yes, so were we.
It's their use of natural dyes that I find so innovative.
Mr Jackson, I know this won't come naturally, but I need you to do exactly what I say.
Mr Jackson, I said do as I say.
I didn't say be rude to the soldier, did I? Ms Ferguson, whatever happens, don't get out the car.
interrogator, he needs to get on this flight.
He's needed in Guantanamo Bay.
Mr Jackson? Mr Robert Jackson? It's you! Mr 21? THE SOLDIERS LAUGH HAPPILY Just go with it.
OK, guys.
All right.
Ready Mr Jackson! Lovely.
Oh, that's a lovely one.
Good.
Mr Jackson, you're notyou're not smiling, Mr Jackson.
Oh, that's a lovely one.
Right.
Good.
Serious one now.
Serious.
Think of Lennon.
Okay.
Everybody, just point your gun at him.
Yeah, marvelous.
Here we go.
Complete.
Goodbye, Mr 21.
"We don't want to control affection, we just want to know where it lies.
" DISTANT EXPLOSIONS I do hope you're not about to be killed by one of your own helicopters.
Still, I don't suppose they're anything like as effective as you claimed in the brochure.
LOUD EXPLOSION Government troops attacking.
How are we going to explain this to our governments? If we survive? What could they do? Send us to a remote, dangerous part of the world and pay us badly? There is no Miss Ferguson working for your embassy.
I know.
And I know if you'd be aware of the dangers of revealing anything which may be of aid to our enemies.
Walk to the plane.
Do not look back.
Safe home.
Shut the fuck up, sir, we're here to get you out.
Who are you? Jones, sir.
Thank me later.
He's one of ours.
What about him? That's the French Ambassador.
Do you want us to rescue him? Davis, you bastard.
Why are you dressed as Tazbek military? We've been helping the president to supress the rebels.
What? How long have you been in the country? Three days.
No one told me there were British forces here.
I'm the ambassador.
The MOD is obliged to tell me these things.
Oh, they have brought you.
No amount of pastries you send can ever convey enough gratitude.
Right, let's go, Charlie.
I passed on your warning.
God knows if it got to them.
I hope so.
Find my brother for me.
You know I will.
Finally you're getting to leave the country - like you always wanted.
I wish I could say I'll miss you.
At least they weren't our helicopters.
No.
Just our Special Forces.
It was always going to end like this, Neil.
Maybe.
It was our government that helped it end like this.
Did POD know about our boys being here? I don't know.
He's gone rather quiet.
You did the right thing you know, going up there.
Why the fuck didn't you send a plane to get us, Cat? Huh? You know oil refineries are targets.
We had to come back in a coach.
As I said, Kevin, we didn't think a plane was necessary.
What do I pay my taxes for if it's not for something like this? Huh? Sorry? Something like what? This uprising.
Protection.
Rescue.
Three things.
One - it's over.
Two - the refinery wasn't attacked, so you didn't need rescuing.
No-one knew that it wouldn't be.
And three - as far as I understand it, Kevin, you don't pay taxes.
That's one of the attractions for you working here, isn't it? In the passport you lost it says that we afford twats like you the assistence and protection that is necessary.
That does not mean that we send in the SAS anytime someone fires a pistol in the air.
This is Tazbekistan, not Sevenoaks! Don't you ever scare me again like you did yesterday.
I'm sorry.
I won't do it again.
Trust me.
Honestly, I won't do anything like that ever again.
Why didn't you tell me? Am I not to be trusted? Course you are.
What are you wearing? Do you think I'm going to go round this town blowing my mouth off? It was to protect everyone.
I couldn't tell you.
I hate parts of your job.
Did you wear that stuff to work? Fergana bought it for me.
I quite like it, actually.
You look amazing.
You don't think I look like a Central Asian prostitute? Yeah! Er no.
Yeah, no.
I've got some bad news - about my job application.
I know.
You've been called to a final interview.
How do you know that? I have my ways.
What you gonna do? I go for the interview.
Don't dress like that, though.
In fact, actually, do.
DOOR OPENS Keith, sorry.
POD wants to talk to you now.
Sorry, Mrs Petrova.
Needs must.
I've got a horrible feeling he's mulling a visit.
He'll never come out here again.
It's the one advantage of being at the arse-end of nowhere.
What have you got there? The French embassy have sent us a small box of pastries for some reason.
Well done, Davis, for not being tempted to go and meet those rebels.
Yes, that was a good call.
I'm good at knowing when to do nothing.
Mmm.
I'm totally impressed by the way you two have held it together during this crisis.
Although Jackson did make some interesting observations.
So I'm going to pop in for a visit on my way to HongKong.
Oh.
Good.
So start hoovering the red carpet.
WEBCHAT ENDS