American Dragon: Jake Long (2005) s01e03 Episode Script

NARRATOR:
Taranushi's chalice.
For thousands of centuries,
man and magical beast alike
have fought to possess it.
Countless lives
have been lost in the quest
to control the powers
locked within it.
Through fires,
floods, and famine,
the chalice has survived!
And now, finally,
for a small fee, it can be yours.
Cut the dramatics, see?
I'm not here for
a bedtime story.
I'm here for the goods.
(EXCLAIMS)
The chalice!
Where is it? Where is it?
You fool!
It's lost forever.
(ECHOING) Forever
Forever Forever
Forever. I've been
waiting forever for principal Derceto
to announce
the school talent show.
Here we go again.
This is my year, Trix.
I can feel it.
Uh, Spud, you say
that every year.
But this time,
I'm gonna do it.
This year's trophy
is the nicest one yet.
Oh, baby, baby,
it can't be.
But it is!
Oh! You will be mine!
(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)
Ahem. As you were.
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
He's cool, he's hot
like a frozen sun ♪
He's young and fast,
He's the chosen one ♪
People, we're not braggin' ♪
He's the American Dragon ♪
He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪
Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪
A real live wire ♪
American Dragon ♪
JAKE: Dragon up!
American Dragon ♪
Oh, oh, oh, whoa!
He's the American Dragon ♪
Break it down with the dragon.
His skills are gettin' faster ♪
With Grandpa, the master ♪
His destiny, what's up, G? ♪
It's showtime, baby,
for the legacy ♪
American Dragon ♪
From the "J" to the "A"
to the "K" to the "E" ♪
I'm the Mack Daddy dragon of the NYC ♪
Ya heard?
GRANDPA: Jake! Get back to work!
Aw, man.
(GONG DINGS)
Ok. I know
it's in here somewhere.
Aha!
Ha ha ha. Or should I say,
voila!
Spud the Spudnificent
magician extraordinaire ready for action.
Hey-yo, Spud. I'm thinking maybe this
talent show thing ain't the best idea.
Trixie's got a point.
I mean, remember last year?
Oh!
TRIXIE:
And the year before that?
(SCREAMING)
JAKE:
And the year before that?
Now, hold still.
(GULPS)
At least the hatchets
was made of rubber.
Hey, trust me, homey,
rubber don't make
the nightmares go away, ok?
Ok. Forget
about the hatchets.
This is about
a dream, man.
My great grandfather
was a magician.
And he taught me
to never give up.
Too bad he neglected
to teach you "magic."
I'll never forget
his catchphrase,
Words of immense
magical power.
Abbigo airee agee attomb.
What the heck
does that mean?
I don't know. That was always about when
he was laughed off the stage.
That's why I've been trying
to win all these years.
For SuperGramps.
And also 'cause the trophy's
are always so shiny.
You really wanna win
this thing, huh?
More than I want air
to breathe.
Ok. We're in.
What?
Spud the Spudnificent
just got himself 2 lovely assistants.
We gonna help you
win this thing.
You mean it? You two are the best friends
in the whole world.
Wednesday, 11 hours,
38 minutes, 16 seconds,
coordinated universal time.
Have learned that
Taranushi's chalice
has ended up as the first prize
in the school talent show.
The chalice contains
a magical creature
that I plan
to unleash at last
proving once and for all
that-- Hoo!
You there.
Hands in the air.
Taranushi's chalice
is mine! All mine!
You're my witnesses.
When the chalice
runneth over with water,
the creature
shall be released.
And all of my research
will be proven true!
Looks like we got
another one for Bellevue.
Behold, the ma--
(EXCLAIMS) Chess club?
This is the
wrong trophy.
The talent show trophy
will be mine! Hoo-hoo!
Ok. I've been working
on this one for the show.
Pick a card, any card.
AnyCard.
Ok, not that card.
I can't do the trick
if you keep picking the wrong card!
Ear of the dragon.
I wish I could tell you
more, principal.
The perp escaped on foot
before we could question him further.
He was ranting about the talent show
trophy like a madman.
(SIGHS) Vandals.
From now on,
I'll be storing
the school trophies somewhere safe.
(BELL RINGS)
Which leads us to conclude that magical
creatures are indeed among us.
But, uh, rest assured
(YAWNS, MUMBLES)
(SNORING)
(WHISTLE SOUND)
(EXCLAIMS)
Ha ha. I've never
had a teacher so boring
he puts himself
to sleep.
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Oh! Oh.
So, we have a comedian on our hands.
Well, here's a joke
for you, Mr. Ha Ha.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
You're failing my class!
And per school rules,
any student who fails a class,
even the star
quarterback,
loses his football
eligibility. (LAUGHS)
Hilarious. No?
(BELL RINGS)
Class dismissed.
All right,
here's another one I've been practicing.
The old tablecloth trick.
You know, except
without the tablecloth.
Or the dishes.
Hey-yo!
Getting in busta with Rotwood
is no kind of talent.
You hear me?
Huh?
Jakey, you coming?
Uh, I'll catch up
with you guys later.
Taranushi's chalice,
created 2 million years ago
by a tribe of nomadic elves.
What is this trash?
So, the talent show trophy
isn't some ancient chalice?
No, it is.
But everyone knows that Taranushi's
chalice was created by goblins.
Not elves!
Taranushi's chalice
has an evil jinn imprisoned within it.
When the chalice is
filled to the point that it runneth over,
the jinn will be released.
How do you get it back in?
Hmm. I'm afraid
you don't.
Unfortunately,
the incantation to recapture the creature
has been lost
for a century.
And that Professor Nutwood
knows about this chalice?
Yo. I bet he was the one who tried
to steal it last night.
He could barely stay awake
in class today.
Jake, you must get that chalice before
Professor Rotwood does.
The safety of the magical
community depends on it.
(STRAINING)
Whoa!
Ok. If I were an ancient
magical chalice,
where would I--
I just wanted to
express my concern that the trophies,
especially the talent
show trophy,
was safe from any
further vandal attempts in the, um
Where was it that you
hid it again?
Professor Rotwood,
I've never seen you take such interest
in our talent show before.
Well, frankly,
principal Derceto,
I feel that certain
students here have talents they're hiding,
talents that
should be exposed to the whole world.
Rest assured, professor,
the trophy is safe.
The next and only person
to get their hands on it
will be the winner
of the talent show.
Now if you will excuse me
Mm, interesting.
Fresh roasted, I think.
Mr. Long, I didn't
hear you come in.
Can I help you?
Uh, yeah. I was
just looking for, um, the bee.
Oh, yo, here it is.
(BEATBOXING)
Then you know
what you have to do.
You must enter the talent show
and win that chalice.
No way, Gramps.
I already told Spud
I'd help him win.
I can't enter against
my best friend.
Kid, if Professor Nutwood
gets ahold of that chalice,
he'll expose
magical creatures to the world.
Science wants answers.
Next thing you know, boom!
Eunice the unicorn
is getting sliced up in a lab. (GROANS)
You must enter
the talent show. And you must win it.
It is your duty as
the American Dragon.
Aw, man.
"F."
what comes after? "F." "F."
Uh, knock-knock.
Who's there?
Well? Well,
what's the punchline, Mr. Ha Ha?
You can't just say
"knock-knock" and not have a punchline.
I--I just--
You told me to come by.
I can come back if--
No. I asked you here
to offer you an extra credit opportunity.
Perhaps a way to reinstate your status
on the football team.
Sit.
I've noticed from your transcripts
that you seem to be quite
the piano prodigy, eh?
You've taken piano lessons
for the last 11 years, yes?
12, actually.
12. What do you say
we continue this conversation
at the talent show
rehearsal?
Dusk comes quickly now.
The sun sets
on the hay field.
The hogs will come home.
Ahem. Soo-eey! Soo-ee-soo!
Soo soo soo soo soo!
(SNORTS) Pigga-pigga-piggy-pigga-
pigga-pigga-pigga-piggy!
The competition's
gonna be fierce.
Here, put this on.
Does my booty look
like a discoball to you?
Hey, guys.
What's up?
Jake, where've you been?
Tell Spud that lovely assistants
can just be as lovely
in jeans and t-shirts.
I don't see him
trying to cram you into a sequined dress.
Well, actually,
uh
Yeah, uh, about that.
I kinda sorta gotta
back out of the Spud the Spudnificent act.
I'm, uh, entering
the talent show, too.
(LAUGHS)
My bad.
It sounded like you
said you were entering the talent show.
Er, but I know
that's not what I think I heard
'cause if you
take that trophy away from Spud,
you be crushing his
one and only dream.
Now, Trixie, I'm sure
Jake has a very good explanation
as to why he's
stabbing his best friend in the back.
Right, jerk-- Jake?
Right. Yeah. I do.
I mean,
I would if I did.
But I guess I don't,
so, uh
Come on, Spud. Let's peep
the real competition.
(SIGHS)
(TINKLING)
50 swans.
51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: And now Jake Long
will perform
a ventriloquist act
with his dog puppet.
Hey, what do you call
a pirate ship in Soho?
I don't know,
Captain Arr-arr, what?
Yo-ho.
Ha ha ha.
Hey, where do pirates
go for picnics?
Central p-arr-k.
Why don't they serve escargot
in Davy Jones' locker?
'Cause dead men
sell no snails.
Papa.
Dude, he's
really good.
I trust
you'll be better.
Oof.
-Uhh!
-Oof.
Admirable attempt,
Mr. Long,
but I'm afraid
you'll never beat my young piano prodigy
with that mangy puppet.
Who you calling mangy there,
Molly McHairpiece?
I beg your pardon.
Ha ha ha. Take it easy,
Captain Arr-arr.
Seriously, you
might wanna call an exterminator
for that rat's nest
you call hair.
I'd like
to introduce you to a new concept.
It's called a comb--
What can I say?
He's got a mind of his own.
Hilarious. You'll be
laughing all the way to last place.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a beautiful concerto
to listen to.
(NECK CRACKS)
(PLAYING OFF-KEY)
Whoa!
12 years! 12 years
of piano lessons?!
Hey, I said I took them.
I didn't say I was any good.
We had a deal.
Unless you get me that trophy,
you will fail my class
and be removed from the football team!
Hey, prof,
don't sweat it.
You'll get your trophy.
I may not play piano good,
but the Bradster
has other talents.
Like addressing yourself
in the third person?
Like eliminating
the competition.
Greenwich pillage,
get it?
Pillage with
the pillage in the--
Yeah, come on. Can't we
put it in the act?
Yeah, whatever.
Kid, come on.
You gotta get into this.
Your timing was totally off
on the Empire State building bit.
Hey-yo, that
puppet is ill.
It's just so real.
So where do you
put your hand up this thing anyway?
Do you just
stick it in--
Whoa! whoa!
Trixie, what's going down?
I came to ask you
the same thing.
Spud is really sick
about this whole thing, Jake.
His big, ol' Spud heart
is just crumpling.
Trixie, I just--I--
I have to do this.
I ain't trying to
hear that, Jake.
You and I both know
you could put a hurting on Spud.
Isn't that enough?
I'm asking you
to drop out.
As a friend?
I can't.
Well, you gotta do
what you gotta do.
I just hope you know
what you doing, broheim.
Ohh!
(GROANING)
A pot which boils over
every day is soon empty.
I'm sorry, Gramps, it's just--
This is so messed up.
I'm sorry, too,
young one.
But as
the American Dragon,
you will be faced
with many difficult decisions.
So what am I supposed to do?
We are each
faced with many roads along our journey.
And we cannot always
choose the one that's easiest to travel.
Sometimes we must
make sacrifices.
Why do you think Grandpa's only friend
is a 600-year-old shar pei?
What can I say?
I'm great at parties. Whoo-hoo!
(SIGHS)
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to
the school talent show.
First contestant Obadiah
Mayfield with his award-winning hog call.
Ahem. Soo-eey! (SNORTING)
pigga-pigga-pigga-piggy!
(SQUEALING)
Get it off of me!
Get it off of me!
Oh, yeah.
I dated a girl who's a hog farmer.
Hit me up high,
prof.
Ahem. One swan
One swan
One swan
One swan!
(SOBBING)
Aah! Aah!
(SQUEALING)
Pig attack!
Get it off of me!
BRAD: 2 down.
Aah! (SOBS)
The music is dead.
The music is dead.
Now, all I have to do
is get rid of Jake, and it's in the bag.
What about this Spud,
uh, Spudnificent?
You mean Spud the dud?
Don't worry, prof.
I don't think
he'll be a problem.
Um, anyone see a little
white rabbit around here?
Yo, that's like
the third bunny you lost today.
I swear,
the things I do for that boy.
Listen, it's just you and me
and puppet boy left in the show.
So, um, what do you say we get rid of Jake
and make it a fair contest?
No way, man.
Jake's my bud.
Fine! good luck with
your talent, magic boy.
Hey, that's magic man
to you, rump roast.
Listen, kid,
I know you're bummed about this.
But--avast, matey.
Trouble off the starboard bow.
Hey, um, principal Derceto
wants us to wait upstairs till our turn.
-Why?
-Dude
If I could read
the principal's mind,
I'd be like a mind-reader
or something.
You coming or not?
Right up here.
Just follow the Bradster.
Are you sure
this is where--
Go deep for
your little puppet, sucker.
Aah!
ANNOUNCER: Please welcome our next
contestant Brad Mordon.
Oh, there's my cue.
Too bad you'll miss yours
Loser. (LOCK TURNS)
Yeah, like a locked door
can keep in the American Dragon.
Let's get out
of here, Fu.
Ah, minor problem, kid.
Oh, Fu! gross!
Oh, yeah, like I planned
to make my heinie one with the plumbing.
Will you get me
out of here, eh?
(GRUNTING)
Easy, kid. You
trying to skin me?
(YELLS)
(PLAYING OFF-KEY)
(SILENCE)
BOY: Brad, you rock!
All right,
thank you for that interesting piece.
Next contestant,
Spud the Spudnificent.
Trixie, we can't go on yet.
I can't find-- my rabbit!
Ha ha ha. Thanks.
(GROANING)
Whoo!
All right,
time to unlock this door
dragon style.
Dragon up!
Yow!
Whoa!
dragon down.
Yikes, we've got
some serious plumbing issues.
Oh, great.
Some sidekick I am.
Let the American Dragon
get bested by a toilet.
Come on, kid,
will you wake up?
Whoa. What th--
We gotta get out of here!
Yeah. Tell me something
I don't know.
Jake Long.
Did I miss my turn?
No!
No.
Observe, as Spud
the Spudnificent
Pulls a rabbit
out of his hat!
Whoa.
What in the heck kind
of rabbit is that?
The magic kind.
Behold the magic of Spud the Spudnificent.
(ALL CHEERING)
Dragon up!
Huh?
Magic creatures.
There are magic creatures on stage.
Well, Professor Rotwood,
it is a magic show.
No! not magic
magical creatures.
Real ones,
living, breathing--
Fire-breathing,
for that matter.
Oh, don't be absurd.
It's all done with a sleight of hand.
Pyrotechnics.
Pyrotechnics, my eyes!
It's real, I tell you.
And I'll prove it.
Everyone, listen to me.
(GASPS)
(ALL GASPING)
(STRAINING)
Whoa!
(EXCLAIMS)
(GROANS)
Come on, magic, work!
work!
Aaggh.
AbbigoAiree
Agee attomb!
Awesome!
(CHEERING)
Put your hands together
for Spud the Spudnificent.
I guess we found
the long lost incantation.
Go SuperGramps.
AUDIENCE: That's amazing!
Wow! Whoo!
Ha ha, I did it.
I knew if I practiced magic long enough,
it would finally
kick in one day.
All right, and now
our last contestant, Jake Long.
Ok, kid. Let's go
win us a chalice.
Hey, good luck out there
and watch your back.
Brad was talking about
getting rid of you.
Come on, kid.
What are you waiting for?
Sorry, Fu. Gotta do
what I gotta do.
Um, I'd like to withdraw myself
from the competition.
ALL: What?
In that case, the winner of the talent
show is Spud the Spudnificent.
(ALL CHEERING)
This one's for you,
superGramps.
Yo, Jake.
Hey, wait up.
Hey, um, I just wanted
to thank you for,
you know,
um, everything.
Nah. I should've never entered the
talent show in the first place.
No one can beat Spud
the Spudnificent.
Personally, I'm glad you
ditched the ventriloquist act.
That puppet do give me
the creeps.
The way his eyes be
following you around.
What can I say?
I'm full of surprises, sister. Whoo-hoo!
Seriously, creepy.
Here, dude. I know you
dropped out because of me.
I want you to have this.
You sure?
Totally.
I ain't playing,
Jake.
Give that tired ol' toy
to charity.
What?
Mission accomplished.
Aw, you should've seen Jake
fighting the jinn,
The crowds roaring,
goin' crazy.
Well done, young one.
Look, I know what
you're gonna say.
I totally picked
the wrong road.
You may have picked
the wrong road for the American Dragon,
but you picked
the right road for a friend.
Now, let's put
Taranushi's chalice somewhere safe.
-I thought you had it.
-I thought you had it.
You had it
when we left school.
Well, you had it
on the subway.
-The subway!
-The subway!
NARRATOR: Taranushi's chalice.
For thousands of centuries,
man and magical beast alike
have fought to possess it.