American Housewife (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Katie: Ugh.
There are Raisinets in here.
Why put health food in a perfectly good bag of candy? Hey, hon.
Oh, no.
Did someone buy the Halloween candy too early again this year? No.
Yes.
Maybe.
Yes.
Yeah.
Here.
Hide this.
No, wait.
Okay.
Hide it someplace where if I really, really want it, I can find it.
But not someplace where if I just accidentally stumble upon it, I go, "Hey, candy!" You're always giving me instructions I don't know how to execute.
Mm-hmm.
I know.
No.
Mnh-mnh.
I know where that is.
Hey, hon, did you see this? "In honor of Halloween, Westport is hosting a 5K zombie obstacle course.
" You can sign up to be a zombie or a runner.
[Sighs.]
This town is unbelievable.
They take a holiday which is very specifically about candy, and make it about exercise.
It's just not right.
I signed up to be a zombie.
Oh, come on, man.
Sounds like fun.
Runners have to get past obstacles while dodging zombies.
Do it with me.
Hmm.
Sometimes you say things that make me feel like we have never met.
I want to be a zombie, too! What's a zombie? A zombie is a corpse that's come back to life and feeds primarily on human brains.
Okay.
I'm in.
All right, then.
Hey, Oliver, you want to do some zombie-ing with me and Anna-Kat this weekend? Halloween is a celebration of handouts and encourages a welfare-state mentality in our kids.
And you don't like Halloween because you freak out.
[Screams.]
Anna-Kat: You peed on Daddy's neck! Yeah, it went down my back, too.
Remember how powerful his urine used to be? He was like a male cat.
- I was marked.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hey, Taylor.
- [Door closes.]
- And Viv.
Hey, Viv.
Bonsoir, Ottos.
Taylor, I thought you said you were giving tennis lessons to a friend.
Taylor: I was.
Friend, neighbor, Weight Watchers success story, hello.
So, are all your houses this cozy? - Just the one.
- Oh.
Why are you guys dressed alike? Viv gave me some of her hand-me-downs.
Taylor and I are the same size.
Isn't that funny? So funny.
All I do is laugh at how skinny you are.
[Laughs.]
[Gasps.]
- Pier 1! - Mm-hmm.
How cute.
That reminds me of my old dorm room at Vassar.
- Oh, you got to apply.
- I will.
Okay, let me give you more memories.
Target, Target, Walmart.
That was here when we moved in.
Costco, CVS, and see ya later.
[Gasps.]
- Bye, Viv.
- Bye-bye.
Hey, kind of an older addition to your squad, huh? Viv and I have a lot in common.
What do you have in common, other than never having paid for your own dinner? She's athletic, fun, super-positive.
- Mm.
- You know what it is? Hmm? She gets me.
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
Asked and answered.
"She gets me.
" Do you see what's happening here? You know I don't.
Taylor is looking up to Viv and not me.
That woman is turning her into a mini-version of her fakey-fake-fake self.
Or maybe Viv's just being nice.
[Sighs.]
Really, Greg? The freezer? I asked you to hide the candy, not make it more delicious.
Right.
[Indistinct conversations.]
"Being nice"? Please.
Greg's the one who's nice too nice.
And, sweetie, sometimes a little stupid.
Yeah, and why does he always have bread in his car to feed the birds? - It's weird, right? - It's real weird.
So, I'm not being crazy about this Viv thing? So not crazy.
You need to stop this relationship in its tracks.
You want me to introduce her to North and South Korea? [Laughs.]
Now, that's the reaction I was looking for.
I can always count on you guys for clear, irrational, angry opinions.
Listen, I know horrible women.
I married one, I cheated with one, and I think I am one.
So, what's my plan for Viv? Call her on her crap! Mnh-mnh.
Viv is sneaky.
She'll deny it.
But at least she'll know you're onto her, and nobody wants Katie Otto all over them.
Mm.
Except me.
When we first met, I did have a little crush.
- You did? - Mm-hmm.
That's sweet.
I'd be into those, but not that.
Okay.
[Viv grunting.]
Hey, Viv? Just a sec.
I gotta Just excuse me! Just quick talk.
Can you hear me? Gotta talk to you.
Excuse Gotta Viv Right here.
Lookin' at ya.
We can't talk.
Okay.
Gonna get the machine.
[Grunting continues.]
Oh.
Okay.
Aah! [Clicking.]
- [Laughs.]
- Oh.
Oh, my.
You're so funny.
Just leave it.
You remind me of me when I was big so jolly, unable to control your body.
I didn't know everything I hated could fit into a size 0.
Listen, I know you have been spending a lot of time with Taylor.
Oh, I love her.
She's so different than you.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's like the apple fell off of your tree and just rolled right over to mine.
- Right? - Yeah.
But just to be clear, she's my apple.
[Gasps.]
Of course.
I'm not trying to be her mom, just a super-cool neighbor.
Tay's words, not mine.
"Tay"? I wonder what happens to Botox if you punch it.
Can you believe Andrew Hartsfield texted her? I love that she can talk to us about that stuff.
You should hear what she talks to just me about.
Ooh! [Chuckles.]
Who the hell is Andrew Hartsfield? I hope he's not that weirdo at the gas station.
Hey, did she tell you we're doing the zombie run together? Of course, she did.
I'm doing it, too.
How exciting! I didn't know you were a runner.
I am so proud of you.
Well, I don't run for your approval, Viv.
Yay.
I love it! [Laughs.]
That's not something to love, Viv.
That, I love.
Viv, are we in the same conversation right now? I'm telling you I'm going to beat you.
I love it! All right.
Hey! We should play sometime.
- Never gonna happen! - Viv: Bye! [Sighs.]
Was it a bit impulsive of me to say I could beat Viv? Yes, it was, but, remember, I was the fastest girl in sixth grade.
Yes, many, many years ago.
Hey, winning is 51% mental.
And 49% running.
Honey, why can't you just accept that Taylor's at the age where she pushes her parents away? Yes, but she could push me away for boys or drugs, but not Viv.
Is being crazy part of your mental preparation? They're becoming best friends.
I should be her best friend.
And they're texting! I want her to text me, not some aggressively annoying Westport-y woman.
You know what? I'm gonna text her right now.
[Cellphone keyboard clicking.]
"Hi.
" [Cellphone noise.]
That's a terrible text.
Yeah.
Are you texting me? Wanted to let you know I'm doing the Fun Run.
Why? Can't a mom do a fun run with her daughter? You always say running is for criminals and showoffs.
Maybe I want to show off.
Who do you think you got your athleticism from him? Hey, Greg, catch.
[Tissue box clatters.]
You know about my sloped eye.
I have no depth perception.
I'm gonna go now.
Bye, Tay-Tay.
Don't call me that! That was tough to watch.
[Evil laughter.]
I want to be a zombie from the Titanic, so I need to look like I froze during the prime of my life.
Specificity I like it.
I'm going more old-school zombie tattered clothes, leg drag.
Oliver, last chance to join.
Honestly, Dad, the only reason I'm here is because I wanted to see how seasonal businesses stay afloat.
Daddy, this could work for my Catherine Nellie Johnston zombie who met her icy death at the tender age of seven.
Dork.
At least I don't pee on my own dad.
No, you pee in the yard.
- I - Guys, everyone could pee better.
- Excuse me.
- Hey.
Well, who's that there? Alice McCarthy.
She's like the queen of Oliver's class.
Every boy wants to kiss her lips.
Whatever.
Well, get her attention, do something double-thumbs up, finger guns.
Go on, go on.
Oh, what's up, Alice? Hey.
I've got my eye on you.
Nice.
Using your environment.
- Smart.
- Yeah.
I'm looking for something to wear for the Fun Run tomorrow.
Cool.
Cool.
Me too.
Cool.
- [Roars.]
- [Groans.]
Ooh! Yeah, that's pretty much what I expected.
And then the toy skeleton lunged at him, and he screamed [laughs.]
like when Dad had to play in that basketball game.
Yeah, well Alice thinks I'm a wuss.
It's no big deal, Oliver.
You're a sensitive guy.
It's in the Otto blood.
It doesn't make you any less of a man.
You can change her mind.
I promise you.
When I first met your dad, I thought he was a wuss, too.
He was my college T.
A.
, and he carried a purse to class.
It was a satchel.
The point is, now Mama loves me.
You know what? You should get in the race, maybe battle some zombies.
Show her you're not a wuss.
Tonight, in the tradition of pre-race meals, we carbo-load.
How is this different from our regular Saturday night noodles? We're gonna eat more of it, and no side salad that nobody eats, and I throw away feeling like a bad mommy.
Taylor! Dinner! She's across the street at Viv's.
Oh, well, why don't I just go ahead and run right over and get her? Roadie! It was a satchel.
- [Door opens.]
- Okay, Daddy.
- [Door closes.]
- Wow, is she actually running? We can eat.
[Panting.]
Mom, what are you doing here? [Wheezing.]
I just came to get my girl for dinner.
We're carbo-loading.
Whoo! Let's get it! All right! She's been training for the Fun Run all week.
What the hell?! [Grunting.]
Winners win! Drop it! I'm a ninja! Ninja! Ninja! Holy Fudruckers! [Imitates Tarzan yell.]
Whoo! Hey, Katie.
Whoo! Way to go, Viv! - One, two - Isn't she amazing? No, the woman who let the doctor go elbow deep inside her to flip you around she's amazing.
Feel it! Let's go deep! Ugh! I can't lose my daughter to Viv.
I gotta hunker down and do what I do best cheat.
Here are your flags.
Once the zombies take all three, you're done.
Thank you sexy cat.
Meow.
Ugh.
Okay, what's scarier this [Groans.]
or this [Groans.]
? Um, the first one.
But what about this? [High-pitched groans.]
You sound like a boiling lobster.
Meeting its torturous, watery death, like Mary Smith's husband, Lucian, who would never see his unborn child alive.
[High-pitched groans.]
Strapped in and ready to win.
Are these what you're after? Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh? If I were a human, I'd find you so sexy right now.
[Laughs.]
Is that her? Oliver, I don't care what anyone else says, she's not out of your league.
No one has said that.
Man: Runners, take your mark at the starting line! Zombies, stake your claim in the field.
Okay.
I guess this is it.
Good luck, baby.
[High-pitched groan.]
Let's just take that elsewhere.
- You.
- Huh? Forget all the other runners.
Just kill Viv.
Steal her flags and knock her out of the race.
Katie, the Zombie Fun Run Rules of Conduct waiver may not mean anything to you, but it still means something to me.
[Sighs.]
- [Groans.]
- [Sighs.]
You're being insane.
I don't know why, but you are.
Winning isn't insane.
It's so insane.
Are you dehydrated or something? Katie, run with us.
We're gonna take the long way to avoid the zombies.
Plus, we get to do extra running.
Right, Tay? Oh, coward route? No, thank you.
I'm gonna take the short course and plow right through the zombies on my way to victory.
- I love it! - [Laughs sarcastically.]
I hate her.
- Man: On your mark get set - You ready? run for your lives! [Gunshot.]
Whoo! Let's win it! [Indistinct shouting.]
Aah! [Zombies groaning.]
Luckily, I had someone on the inside, a volunteer who could give me an unlimited amount of flags.
Why would your husband sponsor such a stupid event? Oh, he poisoned some drinking water in New Jersey.
We're winning back the public's trust.
- Suck it in.
- [Inhales deeply.]
Oh, hey.
Whaaaa! [Sighs.]
[People screaming.]
Cheating's the best.
[Screaming continues.]
[Flag tears.]
[Zombies groaning.]
[Flag tears.]
For the walking dead, these guys are a little handsy.
No! - [Breathing heavily.]
- [Flag tears.]
- [Groans.]
- Seriously?! Shut up! Three flags left and the obstacle course still ahead.
What the hell am I gonna do? By flag count, you've lost this race like 30 times.
Are you even trying? I need more flags, Doris.
I need 'em bad.
I'm out of flags.
Besides, is Taylor really worth it? You've got like two others.
Oh! I'm freaking out here! If I lose these flags, then I lose to Viv, then I lose the chance to show my daughter how great I am! Ow! Don't pinch my bingo wing.
This isn't a pity party! You are Katie "Badass" Otto! You are strong.
You are powerful.
You raised three kids with no nannies, no housekeepers.
Your whole life is this hideous, depressing obstacle, and yet you thrive.
- Yeah.
- Oh, Katie, you can do this.
Now, go! [Inhales deeply.]
I shouldn't have taken a deep breath.
[Zombies groaning.]
Doris is right.
I can do this! I live this hell every day.
[Screams.]
[Grunts.]
That's the smell! FYI teenage girls are disgusting.
[Zombies groaning.]
Piece of cake.
I don't know what it is.
My socks feel heavy today.
[Giggles.]
[Zombies groaning.]
Pretty sure that's my dentist.
I may not be a size 0 like Viv, but I have my way of getting into tight spaces.
Let me in! - Would you please respect my privacy? - No! - This is my house! My rules! - Oh, my gosh.
Mommy rage beats kid rage any day.
Here.
I'll give you a boost.
Aren't you afraid they're gonna get you? No.
Your safety is more important.
Oliver! It's too late for me.
Go! [Flags tearing.]
No! No! Oliver! Oh, my God.
This kid just wet himself.
Mom! I didn't think you'd make it this far.
That's what I thought about you when you rolled off the changing table at 5 months.
Is Viv gone? Did they kill her and eat her brains? Nah, when we came off the long course, some zombies chased her up a tree.
Ah! Viv's going down! Why are you so obsessed with Viv? [Sighs.]
Okay.
If I'm gonna be real, I guess I am just a little jealous.
Of what? Remember our BBF Club? Yeah, Best Buds Forever.
Just you and me, nobody else.
Pinkie swears to keep each other's secrets.
[Laughs.]
- [Zombie groans.]
- Not now! What the hell, lady? It's just a fun run.
Look, I get it.
14 is the age where you're supposed to push your mom away.
That lady just kicked me in the head.
Shut up! But I just don't want you to turn into Viv.
I know it's selfish, but I want you to turn into me.
Mom, please.
I'm not gonna turn into Viv.
She has some great clothes, but her life is kind of sad.
Play it cool.
Play it cool.
Play it cool.
- How so? - Well, she's new in town.
She has zero friends.
I mean, she's obvi-kind of desperate, hanging with a 14-year-old.
I mean, obvi.
What about her own kids? Her two stepsons are so mean.
You know what they call her? - What? - Nothing.
They won't even acknowledge her.
And her husband is never, ever home.
She's actually pretty lonely.
And that's why you've been hanging out with her.
[Sighs.]
You, my sweet girl, are pretty amazing.
[Chuckles.]
Thanks, Mom.
- [Zombies groaning.]
- [Screams.]
The apple didn't roll under Viv's tree or my tree.
It rolled under Greg's.
My teenager is a good person, just like her dad.
But this apple is heavy, and I need to cut bait.
Sorry, honey, for everything, but I still gotta win! Aah! I respect that! Thank you, honey! Got nothing in the Mommy memory bank for this bad boy.
So the zombie path it is.
Well, it looks like it's come down to thi I wasn't finished! I wasn't finished! - [Zombie groans.]
- [Gasps.]
Do not touch my last flag! I'm about to beat Viv! - [Groans.]
- Greg, please! I know you're a rule-follower, but just let me live.
[Groans.]
Go make your daughter proud.
You just earned yourself a quickie after this race.
I might just have to lay there, but I'll say dirty stuff.
[Groans.]
[Grunts.]
Ow! My ankle! Oh, baby, this is my chance! [Groans.]
Aah! [Crowd cheering.]
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna beat Viv.
I'm gonna win.
Whoo! [Groans.]
Whoo! [High-pitched groan.]
Anna-Kat, you little rat! Why did you do that? You could've let Mama win.
Unh-unh.
- Let me go - [Laughs.]
All right.
- I don't wanna be your hero - It's a win for Viv.
And by the sound of it, she could use it.
- I don't wanna be a part of your parade - Me I've already won.
My kids will always be mine.
I can't lose them to anybody.
- Everyone deserves a chance to - They may not take after me, like Taylor or Oliver - Walk with everyone else - who are like Greg, but this dirty, rotten, little apple she is all me.
[Cheers and applause.]
Anna-Kat, it's time to wash your face.
We're done being zombies.
[Groans.]
Anna-Kat, wash your face.
Come on.
[Groans.]
Anna-Kat, come on.
I'm serious.
[Groans.]
[Groans.]
[Groans.]
[Groans.]
[Groans.]
[Groans.]
[Groaning.]
Okay.
[Groaning.]