Animal Control (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

If you were a dog,
what breed would you be?
You know those hypoallergenic ones,
uh, what are they?
Oh, the ones that don't answer
stupid questions.
Truck 12. Please respond.
Cougar observed at residence.
425 Knoll Drive.
Homeowner is out of town.
Truck 12 responding.
There's been a lot of sightings lately.
A security camera at a dry cleaner's
got some great footage.
It's a beautiful animal. C-38. Majestic.
Poor guy's probably just hungry,
you know?
This isn't some cute little kitty.
You know that right?
Last year in Spokane another
cougar attacked an officer,
broke through his ribcage,
and ate his lungs.
Oh, my God. Did he survive?
Without lungs? Yup. Yeah.
Finished third at the New York Marathon.
Thank God.
You know, I love stories like that.
Triumph of the human spirit.
You can't keep us down, Frank.
He died, Shred.
Oh, my God.
What?
On the stairs. Right in the bushes.
You see that?
The hydrangeas or the azaleas?
I don't know. The pink ones.
Azaleas.
Oh my God.
Hand me the tranq gun.
If he comes for us, we're
supposed to make ourselves look big.
Shh. Yeah. That's the official line.
But here's the real deal.
Cup your junk and hide behind something.
Make your whole package
as inaccessible as possible.
But Frank, I I heard
they go for your neck.
Yeah, they do.
But it's not about staying alive,
it's about life being
worth living if you survive.
Be careful.
I think I got a clean shot.
- Unbelievable.
- What?
What are you
Frank? Frank? Frank? Are you crazy?
Cover up your junk.
It's a stuffed animal.
You don't know that.
It might just be asleep.
Yeah. Well, when it wakes up
I'd speak to it in Vietnamese
since it's probably where it was made.
They do great work.
Whoo! Okay.
Yeah, I'll make the call to dispatch.
Let 'em know it's a false alarm.
- Wait.
- What?
You know what Churchill said.
Never let a crisis go to waste.
Totally.
Quick refresher uh, who is Churchill?
Relief pitcher for the Mariners.
I hear that dude's having
a great season.
Look we both know
this cougar isn't real.
Right.
But nobody else does.
So, we have an opportunity to
humiliate a deserving individual
and it would be wrong to pass that up.
Right?
Gentlemen.
Templeton thank God you're here.
You're lucky I'm working
graveyard this week.
Bring me up to speed.
Come here.
The predator is in those bushes.
See? Now we've shot him full of tranqs
but that is one amped-up cat.
Copy.
It takes a big man to admit
when he's in over his head.
So he's already killed
a couple of dogs.
But the real concern is the
elementary school down the street.
Yeah. Breaks my heart
but, I think, we might have
to euthanize.
Stand back, boys.
This is a job for Mister Remington.
Okay.
Bye-bye kitty-cat.
On my orders fire.
You're gonna order yourself
to fire, sir?
Stop questioning my authority.
Execute!
What?
That was so good.
That went so much better
than anyone could've hoped for.
Oh, my goodness.
'Kay. People are still not conforming
to recycling protocols.
And once again, a half-eaten
hamburger is not recyclable Frank.
Thank you, Dolores.
Uh, Dolores is this recyclable?
Of course.
Oh, terrific.
Yeah. You've done that joke before.
Well, when you see Elton John
you want him to play Rocket Man.
Uh, Frank? Shred?
Did anything happen recently
that maybe I should be brought
up to speed on?
Which category?
Routine checks or events
that were hilarious
and humbled a person
who richly deserved it?
Templeton filed a formal
complaint so now HR is involved.
Oh no not the department you
want as the arbiter of humor.
You know who's sneaky funny?
Payroll.
Look, Emily, we're really sorry
you got dragged into this.
This is one of those rare
occasions where our joy
is worth the suffering it causes others.
Well, I'm gonna be on the phone
for the next five hours
getting you guys out of trouble.
So, I'm not demanding it,
but a large smoothie from the
place that I like on the corner
would be a really thoughtful surprise.
Oh absolutely Emily.
In fact, I'm gonna get smoothies
for the entire office,
including you, Dolores.
Just a gentle reminder,
those cups need to be rinsed
before they're recycled.
You bet. Along with the
400 straws I'm bringing you.
Again, so sorry.
No, absolutely Captain,
I hear you loud and clear.
I added the papaya extract boost.
- Thank you.
- It's an antioxidant.
I figured with all the truck exhaust
and environmental toxins
You know I read about that.
Do you know what else
is supposed to be
No, absolutely. I agree.
It's a very, very serious incident.
is pomegranate extract.
I've been taking it,
like, before breakfast
and I feel like I notice
a difference in my skin.
Yeah. You got a glow.
Really?
What are you doing for sun protection?
Like, SPF 50
and, like, a big floppy hat
No exactly, Captain.
No, I I spoke to the officers
and it won't happen again.
Okay. Super triple promise.
I'm leaving now. Sorry.
Oh wait! I forgot.
I got you this morning glory muffin.
Crazy amount of fiber.
Not that you need it.
You don't come off
as constipated at all.
You know I'm not a fan
of Templeton but come on,
you went too far.
Since at least the bronze age,
pranks have been employed
as a necessary form of
workplace justice.
Look I don't like to get grandiose.
Oh, you love to get grandiose.
That's true, I am pretty good at it.
But if jerks like Templeton
go left unchecked,
they become Vladimir Putin.
So sometimes the children of light
have to employ the methods
of the children of darkness.
What?
A simple thank you is all I ask.
And now good day.
Ugh.
He's insufferable!
That dude deserves some
serious karmic payback.
I don't really believe in karma.
Too many bad things happen to
me when I don't have it coming.
I found this in the recycling bin.
It's Frank's.
Okay, you don't know that.
It's a size 14 and
it reeks of arrogance.
Can you just give me a sec?
What's with the pictures of Shred?
Uh, no nothing.
I was I was doing some,
uh, paperwork and I
"Shred Taylor penis"?
No! No, no, no. That's not no.
Why were you Googling that?
No, I I wasn't.
Well, I was looking up Shred because of,
like, professional, totally
above-board reasons
um and I think I just,
I clicked the wrong button.
Do you have a thing for him?
No.
No! No. He's my employee.
And he has a girlfriend.
And regardless of that it's no.
His penis is frozen?
Yeah. Yeah.
Is or was, I don't know. It's unclear.
How did you even find that?
It's the third thing that pops up. Okay?
It was "Shred Taylor."
"Shred Taylor Half-pipe."
"Shred Taylor Frozen Penis."
You totally have a thing for him.
No!
We've just been carpooling a lot and
and we like the same cheesy music,
and I would never act on it,
but, like yeah.
I looked him up and it turns out,
when he was injured on the slopes,
his, um extremities
were impacted by the cold.
It's, like, a real-life
condition that affects Sherpas
and ice fisherman and snowboarders.
Well
Well what?
Does it work?
Okay. Dolores
None of the articles
say anything about that
which is crazy 'cause it's
all anyone wants to know.
It's probably fine but you
should stop researching it,
it's just gonna make your crush worse.
I don't want it to be fine.
That's the whole thing,
if it's if it's broken
or if it's, like, at a weird angle,
or if it's just, like, straight-up gone
then I can just let this go.
I'll go get my laptop.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
- This is gonna be so much fun!
- Oh, boy.
Oh crap, it's still on.
What?
Maya hired a photographer
to shoot our Christmas card tonight.
And I've got boobs.
Oh, no you don't.
I was gonna lose 10 pounds
before the shoot.
But then you know what happened?
I didn't.
She got matching white satin
shirts for the whole family.
White satin, Victoria.
Your wife's insane. Postpone it.
I think it's weird to be doing
it this early anyway.
It's a competition thing
with her sister.
And we're never gonna win.
They're a much more attractive family.
Oh yeah, you showed me a photo.
They're gorgeous.
Hey!
Anyone wanna volunteer for
my vaccination clinic Saturday?
- Oh, I would love that.
- Yeah, I would love to.
- That sounds great!
- Yes! Absolutely.
Great, thanks.
My post-doc resident, Serge,
will be covering for me.
- Ooh
- Did you say this Saturday?
Ooh, I've got a kid's soccer
game actually.
Actually, I'm free.
Really?
Yeah. Totally.
You're my hero.
You know what, I can do it.
I have experience.
I can move some stuff around.
Now you're my hero.
No. It's about the dogs, not about me.
Aww.
You bought that?
You just gave up your Saturday
and you still have no shot.
I'm sorry. Did you get an "aww"
from the Hot Vet?
Are you her hero?
Oh, and Frank
I heard what you did to Templeton,
and I shouldn't admit this,
but hilarious.
Thanks.
You know, it's rare when a hero
is also so funny.
Am I right?
I don't think it was that funny.
Oh, shoot. False alarm.
You got me.
I can't stop thinking about that kid.
What kid?
The kid that's gonna come home,
find his favorite stuffed animal
blown to smithereens,
lying headless in the driveway.
That kid.
Look I'm in a good mood.
Why are you trying to bring me down?
It's just maybe we should try
to replace it.
Okay. What the hell?
After lunch we'll stop by a toy store.
- Nice.
- You happy?
- Yes.
- Alright.
Whoa. This day just keeps
getting better.
You have her under "Hot Vet"?
Yeah, I can't believe she's texting me.
Okay, I gotta I gotta focus.
What are you gonna say?
I don't know.
I wanna engage
without coming on too strong.
Okay. Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
What do you think of this?
You nailed it.
Send.
Ha, ha! Bingo!
He's on the hook.
What'd he say?
Just "hey".
He's trying to play it down
like it's no big deal
but I know that he's as giddy
as a little school girl.
What are we gonna text him?
No, nothing yet. I'm gonna
make him sweat. But thank you.
Yes.
By the way. This was a genius idea.
My wife does it all the time.
I'll leave my phone somewhere
and when she calls me,
her name comes up as "suburban
sex goddess" or "spicy mama".
Or "need almond milk".
That one's just when she needs
almond milk.
- No, I I got that.
- Yeah.
Anything?
Nothing. Total silence.
Three dots and a bubble, here we go!
So, she's crafting her words carefully.
- Oh, hell yeah.
- Come on.
Okay, how does this sound?
My thing got cancelled.
"so, you'll be stuck with me
all day Saturday."
Yes!
Dude, have some champagne
chilled in the truck, just in case.
Right? It does feel officially
safe to get cocky.
Yes.
Okay, there's gotta be something.
Do you have anything?
Zero. And some of the websites
I stumbled onto
were not what I was thinking
and I'm scared there's gonna be
a knock on my door.
Okay, this is maddening.
I cannot be the only person
in the universe
who wants to know the condition
of Shred Taylor's penis.
Alright. I'm gonna use Patel's
computer and hit the dark web.
None of these are big enough.
Okay. She just said, "is it
weird I'm texting you?
"You know, since we're coworkers".
Well, that's a good point, you know,
'cause it could get awkward.
Are you sure you wanna take it there?
I would take a lifetime of awkward
just to spend one night with her.
So, what do you think of this?
Maybe a little.
No. Don't say that.
You're gonna get in her head.
Exactly. Keep her off balance.
Why would you wanna do that?
This is a game of chess,
it's a battle of wits.
No, it's more like a dance.
And I'm not saying that just 'cause
I don't know how to play chess.
Hold her hand.
See where the music takes you.
I haven't been on a date in five months
so I'm not letting you get in my head.
I'm sticking with chess. I'm sending it.
Fine.
But we're wasting our time. I know
where to get a giant stuffed animal.
Wait. They have really good
puzzles here.
"Maybe a little."
What a jerk. Who even says that?
Are you listening to me?
I'm spinning out about
this damn Christmas card.
I'm gonna be on refrigerators
all over Seattle.
A diet inspiration for pudgy,
middle-aged men.
I just find it hilarious
that mister slobbering
all over himself is suddenly
mister self-control.
He takes, like, 10 minutes
to craft each of his three-word replies.
I'm gonna be a white satin
man boob reminder
to put down the ice cream.
I wanna help my community, yeah,
but not like that.
I'm gonna tell him I had a dream
about him last night.
No, that's mean. Don't do that.
Too mean or good mean?
You know what I think?
What do you think?
I don't think you're getting
off on the cruelty of the prank,
I think you're just getting off.
What?
Yeah. I think you like the flirtation.
I think you like him.
Frank? That's crazy.
Okay, then why why are you blushing?
I'm not blushing.
I'm emotionally tormenting
someone because it's fun.
Mmhmm.
I've got my flaws and I'm fine with it.
At least your flaws are on the inside.
Right?
Truck eight. Please respond.
Kangaroo escaped from the Seattle Zoo.
Zookeeper is requesting back-up.
101 East Webster.
Truck eight responding.
Okay. I'm gonna need you to focus.
Okay. I'm bringing out the big guns.
I'm gonna blow his horny little mind.
Come on no service?
What is it, the bumper cars
are interfering?
Will you please knock these down
so we can get outta here.
I'm trying, Frank.
What is going on?
I thought you were an athlete.
Yeah, in a leg-based sport.
This is, like, an arm sport.
There's wrist stuff
I gotta get back into cell service.
See? It's not so easy.
Excuse me. Sir?
How much for that huge lion
on the top row?
Prizes are not for sale.
Look at that, Shred.
We found the one carny with scruples.
Can you believe it?
We can we can earn it.
Okay. Well, how about now?
That might get you something
from the second row.
Like a little badger.
But are you serious?
We need the lion, Frank.
How much for something from the top row?
Three badgers.
There's a cash machine
by the funnel cakes.
Two and a half badgers!
This is extortion.
This was a very reasonable bribe.
Excuse me, guys, sorry.
Excuse me, coming through guys.
Thank you.
Officer Patel, This is Officer Sands.
What's the situation?
Jumping Jack. Second time he's escaped.
Anyway, we got him trapped.
What do you need from us?
Not much.
Just stay here and help keep
away the looky-loos.
- Hmm.
- 'Kay.
Alright, Jack.
Don't you need, like, a net
or something?
No, just grab him by the tail.
Sure.
Alright, Jack. Vacation's over, buddy.
Okay. Whoa!
Um
What what should we do?
Stand your ground.
We'll sneak up from behind.
Ooh hey mate.
Just like this?
G'day. Hello.
What's he doing?
Don't mess with me, kangaroo.
I boxed Golden Gloves.
He's got a crazy look in his eye.
Keep him engaged.
Roger. I'll amp up the trash talk.
What do you weigh, 140? Huh?
Welterweight's got nothing on me, Jack.
I'm 160.
Wouldn't telling him
your real weight be scarier?
Don't press on my insecurities!
He doesn't seem afraid of you.
Oh yeah? You ready to go? Huh?
'Cause I'm ready to go.
Oh!
That's gotta hurt, yeah. You okay?
Keep it up, just a little longer.
Is that all you got?
Oh, mate. Ow, yeah. Down you go.
Okay. We got him!
- Good work, officer.
- See ya, mate.
See ya.
How you doing down there?
Yeah? You a bit winded?
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Oh! Finally, a signal. Three bars.
She she wants me to come over tonight
for a quote unquote drink.
Holy moly! The Hot Vet and me!
Knight to queen four!
- What?
- It's chess!
I can't believe I got my
ass kicked by a kangaroo.
Hmm.
Ooh! Mrs. Claus is texting you.
Crap. I forgot about the photo shoot.
Which I no longer have to do.
Maya's not gonna want a Christmas card
with this hideous face on it.
Everything's coming up Patel.
Uh by any chance
are you someone we work with's roommate?
The Hot Vet just doesn't seem
like the type
to do something like this.
Collette, Frank. Her name is Collette.
Collette the vet? That's unfortunate.
This is ridiculous.
I'm just gonna call her.
Yes.
Hello.
Victoria? What are you doing
with Hot Vet's phone?
You tell me.
You're the expert on pranks.
Oh, my God, it was you?
Sometimes the children of the light
need to use the methods
of the children of darkness.
The whole time?
How does it feel?
Bad. It feels really bad.
Yeah.
But I gotta say, I'm a little impressed.
If I were wearing a cap,
I would tip it to you.
Oh, I would love that.
But did you learn anything?
Yes. That I can dish it out
but I absolutely can't take it.
So, will you stop pranking
people so much?
No. But I will be more vigilant
about not getting gotten myself.
And, I don't know when,
it may take years
but I will retaliate.
- Can't wait.
- Goodnight Victoria.
Sucka lucka.
I'm sorry, Delores,
that you became a pawn
in Victoria's sick game.
Leave the bottle of wine
and we'll call it even.
I don't know.
I had high hopes for this
evening and I splurged.
Okay, what about one glass?
That seems fair.
I gotta say,
you are being very
not horrible about all this.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Has Shred ever mentioned
an unusual sports injury?
Oh, you read about
the frozen penis thing
and wanna know if it still works?
There's been some discussion.
Oh, I've asked him. And it's a-okay.
And I've seen it. In the restroom.
It's, and I don't know
how else to describe it
Gorgeous. It's pristine.
Like a renaissance artist sculpted it
and then killed himself 'cause
he could do no finer work.
God, that guy just glides through life.
The universe is truly garbage.
Would it be unpleasant if I
joined you for a glass?
It would not be unpleasant.
As long as you properly recycle
that bottle.
Did you just make a joke?
Maybe.
I hope the kid likes it.
This is really nice of you.
No it's not that big a deal.
Oh.
No
Okay buddy.
Are you kidding?
You ready to go? You alright?
- Yeah, oh yeah.
- Okay.
- Whoa!
- What?
Down the street.
Wow.
Frank was right. It is majestic.
It's beautiful.
Um but also super dangerous
so maybe we should get back
in the car and report it.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- We should be fast.
- Oh, my God.
To all units
two off-duty officers report
a cougar at 425 Knoll Drive.
Officer Dutch responding.
I am instructing the reporting officers
to take their fake cougar
and shove it up their
Over.
No one can know about this.
Obviously.
This was like a one
one-and-a-half time thing.
Obviously.