Animaniacs (2020) s01e03 Episode Script


[THEME SONG PLAYING]
It's time for Animaniacs! ♪
And we're zany to the max ♪
So just sit back and relax ♪
You'll laugh till you collapse ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
- Come join the Warner Brothers ♪
- And the Warner Sister Dot ♪
Just for fun, we run around
the Warner movie lot ♪
They lock us in the tower
whenever we get caught ♪
But we break loose and then vamoose
and now you know the plot ♪
We're Animaniacs ♪
Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪
Wakko packs away the snacks ♪
Our careers have made comebacks ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
Meet Pinky and the Brain
who want to rule the universe ♪
A brand new cast who tested well
in focus group research ♪
Gender balanced, pronoun neutral ♪
And ethnically diverse ♪
The trolls will say we're so passé,
but we did meta first ♪
We're Animaniacs ♪
You should see our new contracts ♪
We're zany to the max,
there's baloney in our slacks ♪
We're animan-ey, totally insane-y ♪
May cause migraine-y's ♪
ALL: Animaniacs! Those are the facts ♪
[♪♪♪]
[WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING]
Now, let's see.
Marshmallows.
Graham crackers.
And-- Oh no! No no no!
I forgot the chocolate!
[GASP]
What's the point of a camping
trip without s'mores?
[GROUND SHAKING]
[THICK VAGUELY SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT]
Um, excuse me, but you cannot be here.
Hey! Maybe this guy's
got some chocolate.
Yeah, Mister!
You got any chocolate?
ALL: Please?
What? No!
ALL: Aww Why not?
Because this is not
Wonka Willy's playtime!
This is the Greek Games!
[CROWD CHEERING]
[♪♪♪]
Huh. So it is.
And I am Nils Niedhart,
the overwhelming favorite to win
all the gold medals!
[NECK CRACK]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, look!
Foil-wrapped chocolates!
Ooh! So fancy.
Looks like we're gonna have to become
'gold meddlers!'
- Title of the sketch?
- Title of the sketch.
[FANFARE PLAYING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
It's starting!
Okay, bye-bye!
No squatters in the stadium
until after games are over.
That's when the urban decay sets in.
[GRUNT]
[SCREAMING]
YAKKO: This is so
"in tents!"
[FLAP]
[CRASH]
[RIMSHOT]
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
say hello to the best
athletes in the world.
[SMASH]
- Yah! Hello!
Nils Niedhart coming through!
Get over it, no big deal. JK!
Very big deal!
CROWD: Nils! Nils! Nils!
- I love you, Nils!
Thank you, but I'm already
in a serious relationship
with my biceps,
Ronald and Matilda.
[KISSING]
And my pecs,
Mooby and Highbeam.
[KISSING]
And my calves, Ambush and Bazooka!
[KISSING]
Yeah!
CROWD: Nils! Nils!
[CAMERAS FLASHING]
WARNERS: Outta the way! One side,
coming through. Excuse me!
I thought I told you to go away!?
We did! We went to London,
Cairo,
the Great Wall of China!
[SMASH]
[YELL]
I found myself in Paris.
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTS] Athletes are the only
peoples allowed here!
Just look at you!
Your legs are like the stems
of a very vulnerable flower!
[PLUCK, STRETCHING]
Hey! Don't pluck on my leg,
you lazily rendered stereotype!
We most certainly are athletes.
[BOUNCING]
- But you don't have a flag!
Oh boy. This is gonna hurt.
[GRUNT]
[RIP]
[HEAVENLY MUSIC]
See? Flag!
Well, pal, looks like
we'll be competitors.
May the best man win.
ANNOUNCER: First up, organized falling,
also known as the high dive.
CROWD: Nils! Nils! Nils! Nils! Nils!
[KISSING]
Oh dear, the crowd seems to be confused.
Yes. On the list of funny
names I've written for him,
I see his name is Bills Beefheart.
A common mistake.
Bills Beefheart was his father.
Tragic story there,
but this guy's name is Grilled Cheese Art!
Ahoy!
CROWD: Nils! Nils! Nils!
[INHALE, EXHALE]
[BOUNCING]
[SPINNING]
[FUNKY MUSIC]
An impressive moonwalk,
but don't you feel it's a little dated?
WAKKO: It is, but this is
a reboot of a '90s show.
[WOLF WHISTLE]
DOT: Touché.
Ooh! The Burt Reynolds.
More dated, and even more impressive.
[JET ZOOMING]
[BLOOP]
[GASP]
[CROWD CHEERING]
CROWD: Nils! Nils! Nils!
Oh, 10's across the board!
That's gonna be tough to beat.
Mathematically impossible, in fact.
Luckily,
our next competitor can't do math.
Yakko Warner from Burbank!
[♪♪♪]
[CRANKING]
DOT: Yakko really depends
on the support of his family.
[NILS GASPS]
I recently spoke
to his brother.
[INHALE, EXHALE]
WAKKO: And I recently spoke
to his sister. They both agree
BOTH: He can't swim!
[ZOOMING]
[♪♪♪]
[BOOM]
[SHATTER]
It appears Yakko Warner
has broken the sound barrier
upon re-entry.
- That's right, Dot.
Both physically impossible
and tough to beat.
[YELL, GRUNT]
[SCREAM]
[GURGLING, BUBBLING]
[FLUSHING]
[SMACK]
[GRUNTING, GASP]
No!
[ANGRY EATING]
[SNORT]
Boy, this guy is very
serious about winning.
It must be amazing
chocolate in those medals!
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[BELL RINGING, BUZZER]
[♪♪♪]
ANNOUNCER: Equestrian.
Ah, equestrian.
The event where
the horse does all the work,
and the human takes all the credit.
You know a lot about
taking all the credit,
Mister Countries-of-the-World Song.
Oh, Knishenkugel,
let's "yump" for some gold medals, yah?
[GRUNT]
[ZOOM]
["LIGHT CAVALRY OVERTURE" PLAYS]
[LAUGHS]
Oh, you like that, huh?
Yump!
Yump!
We are yumping!
[LAUGHS] Yumping!
[CHEERING]
Eh not bad,
but the judges may deduct
for comical mispronunciation.
[♪♪♪]
[SPINNING]
[SCREAMING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[DONKEY BRAYING]
[BRAYING]
Hey, little girl!
Your pony's stubby body
is an affront to nature.
[MAGICAL HUMMING]
[NEIGHING]
[CLANG]
A hushed silence here.
The crowd is stunned
by the presence of
the mythical creature Pegasus.
Woohoo!
[NEIGH]
[VIBRATING]
[TIRE SCREECH]
[ZOOM]
[NEIGHING]
[MAGICAL HUMMING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[MAGICAL HUMMING]
[SPIT]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[♪♪♪]
[DEEP, EPIC VOICE]
I am the Pegasus, last of my kind.
I come bearing horrible tidings of
war from the nether dimensions--
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Less talky, more flappy.
[ZOOM, NEIGH]
[BELL RINGING, BUZZER]
[CROWD CHEERING, DOLPHIN SQUEAKS]
ANNOUNCER: And next, tennis for the un-athletic,
ping pong!
YAKKO: Our competitors tonight:
for Burbank, Wakko Warner.
For Lichtenstein,
Gils Braveheart.
Nils Niedhart!
[WHIMPER]
Yeah, like we said.
Peels Play-dart
They mock what they do not understand.
My name.
Power!
[SMACK, ZOOMING]
[GULP]
[GRUNT]
[GULP]
[GRUNTING]
[GULPING]
[YELL]
[GULPING]
Hey! You cannot eat the sports balls!
Oops, sorry.
I forgot my table manners.
[FANCY MUSIC PLAYING]
[BELCH]
[GRUNTING]
Under section 31 of the rulebook,
it states one can, technically,
consume and regurgitate the ball in play.
I'm as baffled as you are, folks,
but the rules are the rules.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[BEEPING]
[BUZZER]
[BURP, SPLAT]
[GROWLING]
That's it! [GRUNT]
[SMASHING]
No more Herr Nice Guy!
[SMASH]
[PANTING]
[♪♪♪]
ANNOUNCER: Volleyball, the sport
for tall people who can't dribble.
[YELLING]
[ZOOMING]
[SQUEAKING]
[YELL]
[GRUNT, GASP]
[BELL RING]
[GROAN]
[YELLING]
[GASP]
- I can't watch!
- I can!
[SIREN WAILING]
[BELL RINGING, BUZZER]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[♪♪♪]
ANNOUNCER: Discus, when you absolutely,
positively have to throw a plate.
[THUD]
[CLAPPING]
[GROWL, YELL]
[♪♪♪]
[BARKING]
[ZOOM]
[BARKING]
[GALLOPING]
[BELL DING]
[PAINFUL SQUEALING]
[BELL RINGING, BUZZER]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CRASH]
ANNOUNCER: High jump, now legal in 12 US states.
[GRUNTING]
[YELLING]
[CARIBBEAN MUSIC PLAYING]
- Oh?
[♪♪♪]
[PANTING]
[EXCITED SQUEALING, LAUGHING]
[PANTING]
[PAINED YELL]
[BEEPING]
[MEDALS JANGLING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[GROANING]
[ECHOING GROAN]
[WESTERN MUSIC]
- Wow, that was fun.
- And we've got enough chocolate
to make s'mores for the rest of our lives!
[♪♪♪]
[SQUEAKING]
Hey, wait a minute!
These aren't chocolate.
[METALLIC CLUNKING]
- It's gold!
What a rip-off.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
[CLATTERING]
What are we supposed to do with
all these junky pieces of metal?
[NILS CRYING]
NILS: It's not fair!
I'm the champion!
I'm the best!
I'm Nils Niedhart!
[SOB]
[THUD]
Maybe we pushed him too far.
Nah, he had it coming.
[CRYING]
Hey, fella, come on now.
It can't be that bad. What's the matter?
You! You are the matter!
You know, technically, we're all matter.
Made of star stuff.
That's what's so remarkable--
This is not Ted's Talk!
Go away, planet man!
Alright.
See you around the cosmos.
[MAGICAL MUSIC]
Wow. Really puts
things into perspective.
Yeah. I feel like I'm back in Paris.
[♪♪♪]
NILS: All I wanted was the medals.
[SOBS]
Why couldn't I have the medals!?
You want the medals?
[ENGINE REVVING]
Ready?
Ready!
[EXCITED SQUEALING]
[WHIRRING]
[MEDALS JANGLING]
[BANG]
[STRAINING]
- Uh, Nils? The medals?
They're too heavy.
- Quick! Get rid of them!
[STRAINING]
Never! I'm keeping them forever!
Okay. Have it your way.
[CRACK]
[SCREAMING]
[♪♪♪]
[GROAN]
Bye!
[♪♪♪]
Gee, Brain, what do
you want to do tonight?
The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world!
[THUNDER]
[PINKY AND THE BRAIN THEME SONG PLAYING]
They're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪
One is a genius, the other's insane ♪
They're laboratory mice ♪
Their genes have been spliced ♪
They're dinky,
they're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪
[SLAM]
[♪♪♪]
[TYPEWRITER TYPING, BELL]
Why would they call it
congressional recess
if I can't even play on
the big kids' swings?
[KNOCKING]
Senator Garp? A gift from your
friends at Shlockheed Marvin.
Our company's latest project.
A genetically enhanced mouse.
It can even operate a switchboard.
Huh, I thought that was
something only women could do.
I also brought one from
our makeup testing facility.
[CLICK, HISS]
[SULTRY MUSIC]
[BLINK]
Woof! Well, uh, thanks,
but you know I can't
accept gifts from lobbyists.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[LAUGH]
You kill me.
[CHUCKLING]
We're working on it.
You see that, Pinky?
Every Senator is seedy and corrupt.
I will use this corruption
to my advantage.
I shall blackmail every politician
until I'm the only one left,
and the world is mine!
But first
[BANGING]
[GRUNT]
Look! A firetruck is outside,
and they're giving every good boy
a free ride. [GARP GASPS, GIGGLES]
Me first! Me first!
I too go firetruck!?
No, Pinky.
You must help me assume
Senator Garp's identity
so I can wield his power
for my own nefarious ends.
[BEEPING]
[WHIRRING, BANGING]
[♪♪♪]
[CLICKING, WHIRRING]
[CLANKING]
Remember.
As far as the public is concerned,
this office stands for integrity,
honesty, and transparency.
Using this suit, I will masquerade as Garp
and blackmail every Senator with
a campaign of lies and deception
until I get my way.
But, Brain, you always told me that
lying makes hair grow on your palms.
In politics, Pinky, lies are just
facts that haven't been
repeated enough yet.
And if you don't believe that now,
you will soon because
lies are just facts that haven't
been repeated enough yet.
Ain't that the truth!
[♪♪♪]
Senator Smith! Is that
the Cancerous Meat Distribution Act
I see? Hand it over.
Why would I do that? You're not on
the Ways and Means committee.
I will be once you resign
and give me your chairmanship.
I thought I had that booger killed!
Wait until they see where you wiped it!
[♪♪♪]
You win this time, Garp,
but I'll have the last laugh.
Ha!
- Ha ha!
Dang it!
Hm
[♪♪♪]
- Here's your coffee, Senator Garp.
- Thanks. Who are you?
I'm Brie, Senator.
I've worked here for 10 months.
Sorry, I'm bad with the names
of people I don't care about.
Like that guy.
Actually, my name is Guy!
Thanks for remembering.
Bad example. Like, uh,
that page over there.
[LAUGH]
Sorry, my name is Paige.
With an "I," but I'm still taking it.
Fine. Like that no-name.
[CHUCKLE]
So, funny story--
Silence!
Are you okay?
You're very pale.
Also, did your head get real tiny?
It's nothing. Just a cold.
[SIP]
Blech!
This coffee is terrible!
Someone ought to destabilize Guatemala,
so we can get some
decent beans around here!
Actually, put that in my planner.
And get me a new coffee!
With mayonnaise,
and add some canned ham!
This is the '50s!
[BANG]
Right away, sir.
[♪♪♪]
BRAIN: 10 resignations in 10 days.
I'll be ruling the world
in no time at all!
Oh, I'm having a good time, too, Brain!
I'm binge-watching this new show!
[BARS AND TONE]
The purple one's in love
with the yellow one,
but the green one
keeps getting in the way!
It's so dramatic!
Senator Garp, here's your new--
[SHATTER]
[♪♪♪]
Poit!
[SCREAM]
Everyone! There's something
going on with Senator Garp!
I saw him talking to a-- a mouse!
Whoops, wrong end.
Blast that intern.
If she's seen you, she knows too much.
Oh, this is all my fault.
Remember when you asked if
I would rather fly or be invisible,
and I said fly?
Well, I've been paying for it ever since!
We must think fast, Pinky.
Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
- I think so, Brain,
but what does a steam-powered
giraffe even eat?
It was at least this big,
with red glowing eyes like a Communist!
Hold on!
There are no mice in my office.
You must have just seen
my Italian friend here.
Aloha!
I know what I saw.
Hey, has anyone ever told you
that you kinda look like a mouse?
[GASPS, SUSPICIOUS MURMURING]
MAN: Scrambled eggs!
Uh, everyone calm down!
I have nothing to do with mice.
Look, we hate mice.
Even more than you do!
Oh yeah? Prove it!
If there are mice in this Congress,
I will find them and destroy them
[PINKY GROANS]
faster than you can say, "Clams casino!"
[GASP]
[SATISFIED MURMURING]
[DOOR SHUTS]
- Hm
Psst, hey, Brain.
Isn't it true,
and correct me if I'm wrong,
but aren't we mice?
It's the oldest rule of politics, Pinky.
When you are the target,
create a bigger target somewhere else.
We need a scapegoat.
- Oh, a scapegoat!
Oh, Brain, Brain, can we keep him?
I promise to feed him and walk him
and do goat noises with him.
[BLEATS]
[SCREAM]
[CRASH]
Last night, as head of the newly formed
Committee on Un-human Activities,
Senator Garp charged another Senator
with the crime of being a mouse.
[CLIP]
[CROWD BOOING]
I have in my hand
a list of dozens of Senators
who are card-carrying mice!
[GASP]
REPORTER: As Senator Garp investigates,
we must ask ourselves
what will be the consequences
of this purge?
Until tomorrow, good night and night good.
- Do you hear that, Pinky?
- No, Brain.
I don't hear a thing.
- Exactly. I have secured the resignations
of the entire Senate.
There's no one left to oppose me!
The Senate is empty!
[SIGHS] It's so quiet,
I can finally hear me-self think.
Tickle, tickle, jab, jab! ♪
That's how to fight a pirate crab! ♪
Yes, Pinky. Enjoy this moment.
Our end is in sight.
Oh! What are you still doing here?
And what are you doing in my office?
I was just dropping off some papers.
I took out the odd pages
because I can't even.
[NERVOUS LAUGH]
Zort! Oh, that was a close one, Brain.
Too close, my friend.
I'd forgotten about Brie,
but she is clearly onto us.
We need to do something about her.
Say no more.
I shall make her a 'you're doing
a great job, Brie' cake.
Make it a devil's food cake, Pinky,
[♪♪♪]
because I am going
to put her through hell!
[CROWD CHATTER]
Tell us, Brie.
It says here that you are from Wisconsin,
famed for its production of cheese!
Sure am.
That's why I'm named Brie.
Interesting.
Please note for the record
that cheese is a favorite food
of mice!
[GASPING, MURMURING]
How dare you!
You have no decency, sir!
Sure, we love cheese, but why wouldn't we?
It's melty and delicious.
You can have it in
in a casserole, sprinkle it on your chili!
Now, I'm just a simple
girl from Wisconsin,
but in my opinion, being anti-cheese
is downright anti-American!
What do y'all think?
[CHEERING]
Wait! You can't question my loyalty!
My chief of staff will vouch for me.
- Bonjour.
- Mr. Pinky,
in your expert Italian opinion,
am I an American?
- Oh, gosh.
Well, um, uh, sure, Brain!
Uh, I-I mean Senator Gorp-- Garp!
[SHIVERING]
Oh uh oh.
[♪♪♪]
Did you just call him 'Brain?'
I'll remind you, Mr. Pinky,
that you are under oath!
[NERVOUS SHIVERING, JABBERING]
Come on, Pinky. Tell them.
[SHIVERING]
Fine!
I'm a mouse!
[SURPRISED GRUNT]
[GASPS]
WOMAN: He's not Italian!
I'm as shocked as you all are!
But you're a mouse, too, Brain!
[GASPS]
The real Senator is outside.
- [KIDS LAUGHING]
- Wee-woo! Wee-woo! Wee-woo!
Arrest those mice!
[ANGRY YELLING]
Time to make our escape, Pinky.
[BLAST, SMASH]
[♪♪♪]
[HONKING]
[ZOOM, SQUAWKING]
I'm sorry I cracked
under the pressure, Brain!
I was so tired of the lies!
Water under the bridge, my friend!
We must prepare for tomorrow night!
Why, Brain? What are we
going to do tomorrow night?
The same thing we do every night, Pinky!
[SMACK, CRACK, CRASH]
[WOOZY]
Try to take over the world
[♪♪♪]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC]
Good evening, and welcome
to Math-terpiece Theater.
Tonight, a tale of betrayal
[SHATTER, SCREAM]
of madness
of a woman struggling
for her very right to live.
Nancy has five apples.
She loses two apples.
How many apples does Nancy have?
[DOG BARKING]
[♪♪♪]
[GROWLING, RIP]
[GROWL, CHOMP]
URCHIN: Mama? You brought food?
The baby is sick.
[BABY NOISES]
[FOOTSTEPS]
John, we meet again.
You know I'm duty bound to
protect those apples, Nancy.
I shall never yield to you.
[GRUNTS]
[♪♪♪]
You can't run forever, Nancy!
Not from the law!
[CLATTERING]
The only law I know
is the one that compels
me to feed my children!
And now, I only have
Three apples.
[SCRAPING]
Gripping.
NARRATOR: Next time on Math-terpiece Theater
[ZOOMING]
[♪♪♪]
Train A, traveling 40 miles per hour,
left the station at 2:45?
[GASPS]
Heaven help us!
[♪♪♪]