Anna and Katy (2013) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
Hello from beyond the grave! Not really! Had you there.
And welcome to this, our very special and spooky Congratulation Show.
Yes, hello to all you ghouls and you goblins and you whatnots.
Well, let's get down with some congratulating.
So let's kick off now with a text actually from a Doctor Phillips, who say he just picked up his costume from the drycleaners.
He's going to be the pale sticky one from Girls Aloud.
Benjamin, Alec and Francis, they've written in to say please can we have a congratulation to our good selves as we've just completed a horror film marathon.
And they say here they watched over two hours of horror film.
Well boys, I've got just one thing to say to you.
A boo! Ho, ho, ho! I got a fresh one here from someone called Jack O'Lantern.
He says, "Can I get a congratulation for scooping out all me brains "and lighting a candle" Oh.
Now, as much as everyone here loves a bit of a laugh, please remember that there are some people out there who really do need a congratulation.
So please, please, don't clog up the phone lines with your pranks.
That's all we're going to say about that for now.
Let's just move on, OK.
A congratulation to Marcus for getting his first retweet.
Congratulation! Oh, it me.
It me! It only me.
It me.
Oh! It only me.
Well, you certainly got me there.
You certainly put the willies up me there.
My God, Derek, did she have you? Oh, she had me there.
It was misjudged.
OK.
So a couple of quick ones now.
Commiseration time for Captain Guy Mulhew who thinks his toilet is haunted "Cos there's a very meaty smell that just won't go away.
" Commiseration now to Paddy McGuinness.
But the biggest congratulation today goes to somebody calling himself Keith Trent who says, "Please can I have a congratulation "for successfully reporting a fishing scam "to the good people at Hapmere.
" So The biggest congratulations to Keith Trent for stopping a bad man by reporting a fishing scam to Hapmere.
Vision Ultra Lenses, sponsors of The Lane.
That last question again.
Who sang One Vision? Flippin' 'eck.
It's Pixie Lott out there.
You all right, Vic? You're lookin' a bit sweaty in that.
Do you wanna towel? Hey? Towel, Vic, there you go.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
You're not thinking of entering into the quiz, then? 'Ere Vic, you know what first prize is, don't you? Pair of designer prescription sunglasses.
Hey? Designer prescription, Vic.
Oh! We should know this! Who sang One Vision? Mark, you're miles away.
Is everything all right? Yeah, fine, love.
Must be this new prescription.
So come on then, who sung One Vision? Freddie Mercury's band, Queen.
Benjamin Franklin is best known for inventing the bifocal glasses, but he was also the President of the United States of where? I only know him as the man who invented bifocals.
What do you think? I need to go to the toilet.
Oh, Mark! And it's the last question of the round and it's a special question, so we got someone special to ask it.
This is a special question for Lisa.
Lisa, will you marry me? Oh! Oh, Mark! Will you do me the honour? Yeah.
I will.
Oh! Steady on, you two! Get a room, this is a respectable pub! I'm only joking, everyone.
The drinks are on the house! Mark Pupil? Yeah, that's me.
DCI Smith, I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder.
What?! You do not need to say anything You can't do this! It's all right, Mark.
I'll call Lawrence the Lawyer.
But anything you do say may be taken down in evidence.
I've been framed! Ignition Car Wash Solutions have now been in business for two months.
The team have failed to wash a single car since opening and project manager Becs has called an emergency meeting.
Well, firstly, just thanks very much for giving up your Saturdays to be here now.
I mean, it's actually great to have Paul here actually with us.
Hey! Guilty as charged.
Can I just say that business in the work place can help achieve synergy for tomorrow? No, the problem is, we're not washing any cars.
The reason we're not washing any cars, though, is literally because we literally don't have an app.
Until now.
What do you guys think? Yeah, as Sorry, Ashley, can I just stop you there for nine reasons? Paul, what do you think? Right, where the hell is Paul? He was just here.
Paul, where the hell are you? You were just here.
I'm not sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting to be told what to do.
That's where the hell I am.
I've used my initiative and managed to secure us a share in a roast chestnut stall.
Right, Paul, but how is that gonna help us wash more cars? How does the app actually work? Do you just press a button and Ignition Solutions will come to your house and wash your car? Can I just answer that myself with a no.
Instead Da-da! Meet Macintosh.
The new face of Ignition.
Hello, Macintosh, mate.
Once they have this app, customers - and by customers I mean clients - and by that I mean users, feed Macintosh a bone.
Once Macintosh has consumed four bones, he tells them a joke.
And what do clients/customers/users do when they feel at ease? They get their cars washed.
Ergo, they go to Ignition.
All right, yeah? Great meeting, guys, that's great.
Enjoy the rest of your Saturday cos you're off the clock now.
That's lovely, yeah.
Ashley, got any nice plans for your weekend yourself? Christopher and I are off to explore the limits of each other's bodies.
Probably into the early hours of Sunday morning.
Guten Sunday, mate, und welcome to Olden Roadhaus.
Sie commen from the olden city of Freiburg.
So, fingers crossed that we see much olden day shit.
Zo, mate, tell me about the sausage.
An original.
It belonged to my Grandvater.
Und zu suspect what type sausage, mate? I think maybe um, bratwurst or, um, uberwurst.
Ja.
Well, hold onto bust.
Ist ein bit more special, mate.
Oh.
Dis here sausage is actual ein Nepalian sausage.
Fuck off! Ja.
And if nacht nosey parker, how much Grandvater pay for Nepalian sausage? Ein mark.
Fuck off.
Ein mark.
Well, it's worth a little bittle more now has.
Ich valuen for Nepalian sausage, region 6,000 euros.
Surprising ist.
Ja, this special wurst.
Danke for bringing it.
Hello and welcome back to Pull-it-Off, the show that's not always easy to pull off.
Before the break we said goodbye to Thomas, but just to remind you, this is what it's all about.
In my hand is a knob.
Just like the ones that will be getting pulled off in the next half hour.
The question is, can our contestants defeat the Wall and pull off the knob to victory and get the Golden Knob? Let's meet them and find out.
Hi, I'm Andrew and I have no living relatives.
Hello, my name's Georgina and I once got trapped inside my house for two hours.
Hello.
I'm Carol.
Now, Carol, backstage you were telling me a funny thing that happened to you on holiday.
Yes! Yes, I was! And that was? Oh, well, I went to Turkey and I hang-glided Ogo Mountain.
Now, when you hang-glide Ogo Mountain, you get a young Turk strapped between your legs.
Very nice! Thank you.
And my son was all like, "Oh, Mum, be careful when you hang-glide Ogo Mountain!" Lovely stuff.
So, remember, none of our contestants know if they'll be able to pull the Pull-it-Off Knob from the Pull-it-Off Wall of Knobs or not.
OK, let's Pull-it-Off! Georgina, what colour is the circle on the Japanese flag? When I first heard the question, my mind did immediately go to yellow.
So your answer is? Red.
Correct, Georgina, well done.
Let's try and Pull-it-Off! Come on! 'Release the knob.
' Go on! Oh, bad luck Georgina.
Now, you didn't manage to pull it off.
Now, go and pull yourself off.
As soon as I took hold of the knob, I knew I could pull it off, erm and then I didn't.
So, I guess one of us was wrong.
So, hard lines, Georgina.
Now, Carol, we come to you and here comes your Pull-it-Off question.
In badminton Ooh, yes, I've been there! In badminton, what would you use instead of a ball? A shuttlecock! Correct, Carol.
Well done.
Please, make your way over to the Pull-it-Off Wall.
Great stuff.
OK, Carol, it's Bonus Pull time.
Now, you know the rules.
In the next round, the knob will have decreased in size, from anything up to 75%.
Are you ready to try and pull? Woo-hoo! All right, Carol, let's play! 'Release the knob.
' Ooh! Whoa! Oh, bad luck, Carol.
You didn't manage to Pull-it-Off.
Well, as soon as I saw how small the knob was, I knew it was game over but I was really only putting it on for my son anyway, so Whoa! Zo, Verna, mates.
Tell 'em de info about the sausage.
As far as I am concerned, this is normal Deutsche sausage.
Ooh, nein, mate, nicht normal Deutsche sausage.
See here, ein crack.
Oh, ja, it's always kaput-be.
It's nicht kaput.
It's designed the Russian Communist wurst and and, erm sie haus ein smaller wurst.
Well, I never.
Fuck off.
Und in haus even smaller wurst.
Und sie haben cocktail sausage.
Wow time.
Du consider selling? Oh, nein, nein, ist super sentimental sausage.
Oh, oh, well How much is worth, du bastard? Icht value-ing and this is insurance, eh? In ze region of 800,000 euros.
Fuck my arse! That is some (BLEEP) turn-up for the books.
Unds haben no idea all this time? Nein, nein not a sausage! Hot magic, vanish, oh, mates.
That's all for Sunday.
But if you like coming down and valuating olden day shit, join us next week in the city of Hamburg, where we'll be looking at olden day dildos und sex dolls.
Auf wiedersehen, mates.
Make way.
Excuse me.
We are the critics! Two men walk on stage and begin to talk.
They are acting.
A member of the venue staff approaches me Excuse me.
Can you be quiet, please? He boldly breaks the fourth wall by asking me to be quiet.
Shh! Yes, shush! Shush! Yes, shush.
Thank you.
They're not critics, they don't get it.
Oh, look, he's been in Holby City.
Which one? That one.
By your patience, I needs must rest me.
Oh, we're in safe hands.
Oh, he's very good.
Old Lord, I cannot blame thee Who am myself attached with weariness Boo! Boo! Let Holby City speak! I beseech you That are of suppler joints, Hinder them from the ecstasy that may provoke them too.
Bravo! A virtuoso performance.
The next advantage when we take thoroughly Right, well, I think we've seen all we need to see here.
Yeah, we get the general idea, you can stop it now.
Hey, you.
Yes?! You made a big mistake leaving Holby City cos this is bollocks! OK, let's get this stag do on the road.
I just want to start by saying a massive thank you for choosing Web Stag events and for coming down, let's have a look, all the way from nice, Crewe.
One of the most intensely farmed areas of the country at the turn of the century but we won't hold that against you! Your first taste of stag banter, there.
Plenty more in the locker, don't worry about it.
Prepare for a wealth of withdrawals from the bank of Bantander.
Lads, hang up your stockings, Banter Claus is coming to town, all right? Where's your lawyers? You're in Bantanamo Bay! Look What? Can we just get on with the quad biking? You hear that, Sue? Yeah, I heard it.
Stag eh? Wants to get on with the quad biking.
I'm afraid these bikes have been decommissioned.
You're only here for the purposes of ambience.
What we doing here, then? I'm going to answer that question with another question.
Who here's seen Time Team? Huh! I'd just like to make a quick announcement.
A thank you, really.
A massive thank you to Donna.
Yes.
As you all know, Donna donated a kidney to me last week in what was a beautiful and selfless act.
Well, hear, hear.
I'm sure you'll all agree it was worth all the complications and it certainly went to a good home.
And, well, I hate to think what this pie would have been like without it.
You were delicious, Donna.
Thank you.
To Donna.
Oh, and I hope you've all left room for Tony's nine-finger trifle.
Oh! Yum, yum! Delicious.
Oh, another funny story, actually we actually had the real Tony Robinson, yeah? You know, from Time Team? Yeah, he was here on a stag event last Spring.
Yeah, very dark outlook on life.
Called Sue a bitch and spent the rest of the day sat in his car.
Right banter break! Well, I wonder what the bride would say if she could see you lot now, sitting about, playing with your little tools.
Great banter, Sue! Thanks! OK, banter break over.
- Back to the digging.
- Right, I've had enough of this.
I'm sure that's what the bride will be saying on her wedding night! No, sorry, this isn't working.
Said the bride to the bishop.
Yeah, I can't be bothered.
Right, we're going home.
But the banter? I don't care about the banter! Sue! Come back! I hope you're pleased with yourself.
Right, I didn't mean to upset her.
Sue has spent hours sorting out this "shit", as you call it.
I never said "shit".
All you can do is insult her - the poor, poor bitch.
Right, what is the point of me even organising Britain's best stag and banter package? If you lot are just going to call it out as just a big dinner of dicks! No-one said that.
- Yeah, what Oh, I'm going to be sick.
- Oh, God! Don't be sick, Sue.
Don't be sick! Right, well done.
You just made Sue do a sick.
Fine, we'll carry on.
Oh, great great.
Right, who likes strippers? Yeah.
Yeah.
OK, pubes, you're up first and don't be stopping at your pants, you great big bummer! Come on, pubes, show everyone your penis.
Pubes, pubes, pubes, pubes, pubes Hello.
Hello.
And welcome back to Congratulation! The show that likes to say, "congratulation" to the nation.
Now, coming up on the show today, we have our very own Congratulation! fashion special.
That's right.
And we've got some of our lovely viewers here in the studio with us today.
But also with us is a dear old friend of mine.
We go way back.
It's our resident fashion expert, it's Zizi, who is going to talk us through some of the outfits as well.
Isn't that right, Zizi? That's right.
Great to see you again.
Well, for those of you that don't know, Zizi and I actually hosted this show together for the pilot, until Zizi happily became pregnant and then Jacqueline could step in so Well, great to see you today, Zizi.
And good to see that you've got everything under control now Well, let's and, actually, this might be interesting to you, Zizi, but next week we actually have our Congratulation! Mental health special.
OK, so, let's meet some of the viewers now - they all got a passion for fashion.
So let's get congratulating! So our first model today, it's Clara! So come and join us, Clara! Clara, that's great.
- Clara's shoes are from New Look - Congratulation, New Look.
- .
.
And the dress is Dorothy Perkins.
- Congratulation, Dorothy Perkin.
It look real nice.
And I guess if you wanted to, Zizi, you could, sort of, team this with a little neck scarf.
I couldn't vouch for that.
Thank you, Clara.
Well, next up, you're not going to believe this because we've got two people who are actually suffering from the affliction of twins.
I know, it's Bev and it's Pam dat's here.
Thank you, girls.
Whoa! Okey-doke.
Come on.
Well, talk us through your outfit today, please, girls.
Well, I'm meeting a friend for lunch.
Congratulation.
And I'm driving her there.
Congratulation.
And, well, congratulation to the pair of you! Absolutely extraordinary.
Do you remember, Suzanne, people used to mistake us for twin? They call us the terrible twin because we had the same perm? Yeah.
Zi, can you not embarrass me, please? Zizi, on TV, please.
Oh, sorry, what's a perm, Zizi? It's all a bit before my time.
Well, we've certainly saved the best till last, haven't we, here? Because, please, come and join us, David Shropshire.
David, look at Oh, David, I'm just hearing, sorry, we don't have time for you any more.
So the biggest congratulation go to the twins for meeting their friend for lunch and being driven there.
Zizi, you don't Stay where you are.
And welcome to this, our very special and spooky Congratulation Show.
Yes, hello to all you ghouls and you goblins and you whatnots.
Well, let's get down with some congratulating.
So let's kick off now with a text actually from a Doctor Phillips, who say he just picked up his costume from the drycleaners.
He's going to be the pale sticky one from Girls Aloud.
Benjamin, Alec and Francis, they've written in to say please can we have a congratulation to our good selves as we've just completed a horror film marathon.
And they say here they watched over two hours of horror film.
Well boys, I've got just one thing to say to you.
A boo! Ho, ho, ho! I got a fresh one here from someone called Jack O'Lantern.
He says, "Can I get a congratulation for scooping out all me brains "and lighting a candle" Oh.
Now, as much as everyone here loves a bit of a laugh, please remember that there are some people out there who really do need a congratulation.
So please, please, don't clog up the phone lines with your pranks.
That's all we're going to say about that for now.
Let's just move on, OK.
A congratulation to Marcus for getting his first retweet.
Congratulation! Oh, it me.
It me! It only me.
It me.
Oh! It only me.
Well, you certainly got me there.
You certainly put the willies up me there.
My God, Derek, did she have you? Oh, she had me there.
It was misjudged.
OK.
So a couple of quick ones now.
Commiseration time for Captain Guy Mulhew who thinks his toilet is haunted "Cos there's a very meaty smell that just won't go away.
" Commiseration now to Paddy McGuinness.
But the biggest congratulation today goes to somebody calling himself Keith Trent who says, "Please can I have a congratulation "for successfully reporting a fishing scam "to the good people at Hapmere.
" So The biggest congratulations to Keith Trent for stopping a bad man by reporting a fishing scam to Hapmere.
Vision Ultra Lenses, sponsors of The Lane.
That last question again.
Who sang One Vision? Flippin' 'eck.
It's Pixie Lott out there.
You all right, Vic? You're lookin' a bit sweaty in that.
Do you wanna towel? Hey? Towel, Vic, there you go.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
You're not thinking of entering into the quiz, then? 'Ere Vic, you know what first prize is, don't you? Pair of designer prescription sunglasses.
Hey? Designer prescription, Vic.
Oh! We should know this! Who sang One Vision? Mark, you're miles away.
Is everything all right? Yeah, fine, love.
Must be this new prescription.
So come on then, who sung One Vision? Freddie Mercury's band, Queen.
Benjamin Franklin is best known for inventing the bifocal glasses, but he was also the President of the United States of where? I only know him as the man who invented bifocals.
What do you think? I need to go to the toilet.
Oh, Mark! And it's the last question of the round and it's a special question, so we got someone special to ask it.
This is a special question for Lisa.
Lisa, will you marry me? Oh! Oh, Mark! Will you do me the honour? Yeah.
I will.
Oh! Steady on, you two! Get a room, this is a respectable pub! I'm only joking, everyone.
The drinks are on the house! Mark Pupil? Yeah, that's me.
DCI Smith, I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder.
What?! You do not need to say anything You can't do this! It's all right, Mark.
I'll call Lawrence the Lawyer.
But anything you do say may be taken down in evidence.
I've been framed! Ignition Car Wash Solutions have now been in business for two months.
The team have failed to wash a single car since opening and project manager Becs has called an emergency meeting.
Well, firstly, just thanks very much for giving up your Saturdays to be here now.
I mean, it's actually great to have Paul here actually with us.
Hey! Guilty as charged.
Can I just say that business in the work place can help achieve synergy for tomorrow? No, the problem is, we're not washing any cars.
The reason we're not washing any cars, though, is literally because we literally don't have an app.
Until now.
What do you guys think? Yeah, as Sorry, Ashley, can I just stop you there for nine reasons? Paul, what do you think? Right, where the hell is Paul? He was just here.
Paul, where the hell are you? You were just here.
I'm not sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting to be told what to do.
That's where the hell I am.
I've used my initiative and managed to secure us a share in a roast chestnut stall.
Right, Paul, but how is that gonna help us wash more cars? How does the app actually work? Do you just press a button and Ignition Solutions will come to your house and wash your car? Can I just answer that myself with a no.
Instead Da-da! Meet Macintosh.
The new face of Ignition.
Hello, Macintosh, mate.
Once they have this app, customers - and by customers I mean clients - and by that I mean users, feed Macintosh a bone.
Once Macintosh has consumed four bones, he tells them a joke.
And what do clients/customers/users do when they feel at ease? They get their cars washed.
Ergo, they go to Ignition.
All right, yeah? Great meeting, guys, that's great.
Enjoy the rest of your Saturday cos you're off the clock now.
That's lovely, yeah.
Ashley, got any nice plans for your weekend yourself? Christopher and I are off to explore the limits of each other's bodies.
Probably into the early hours of Sunday morning.
Guten Sunday, mate, und welcome to Olden Roadhaus.
Sie commen from the olden city of Freiburg.
So, fingers crossed that we see much olden day shit.
Zo, mate, tell me about the sausage.
An original.
It belonged to my Grandvater.
Und zu suspect what type sausage, mate? I think maybe um, bratwurst or, um, uberwurst.
Ja.
Well, hold onto bust.
Ist ein bit more special, mate.
Oh.
Dis here sausage is actual ein Nepalian sausage.
Fuck off! Ja.
And if nacht nosey parker, how much Grandvater pay for Nepalian sausage? Ein mark.
Fuck off.
Ein mark.
Well, it's worth a little bittle more now has.
Ich valuen for Nepalian sausage, region 6,000 euros.
Surprising ist.
Ja, this special wurst.
Danke for bringing it.
Hello and welcome back to Pull-it-Off, the show that's not always easy to pull off.
Before the break we said goodbye to Thomas, but just to remind you, this is what it's all about.
In my hand is a knob.
Just like the ones that will be getting pulled off in the next half hour.
The question is, can our contestants defeat the Wall and pull off the knob to victory and get the Golden Knob? Let's meet them and find out.
Hi, I'm Andrew and I have no living relatives.
Hello, my name's Georgina and I once got trapped inside my house for two hours.
Hello.
I'm Carol.
Now, Carol, backstage you were telling me a funny thing that happened to you on holiday.
Yes! Yes, I was! And that was? Oh, well, I went to Turkey and I hang-glided Ogo Mountain.
Now, when you hang-glide Ogo Mountain, you get a young Turk strapped between your legs.
Very nice! Thank you.
And my son was all like, "Oh, Mum, be careful when you hang-glide Ogo Mountain!" Lovely stuff.
So, remember, none of our contestants know if they'll be able to pull the Pull-it-Off Knob from the Pull-it-Off Wall of Knobs or not.
OK, let's Pull-it-Off! Georgina, what colour is the circle on the Japanese flag? When I first heard the question, my mind did immediately go to yellow.
So your answer is? Red.
Correct, Georgina, well done.
Let's try and Pull-it-Off! Come on! 'Release the knob.
' Go on! Oh, bad luck Georgina.
Now, you didn't manage to pull it off.
Now, go and pull yourself off.
As soon as I took hold of the knob, I knew I could pull it off, erm and then I didn't.
So, I guess one of us was wrong.
So, hard lines, Georgina.
Now, Carol, we come to you and here comes your Pull-it-Off question.
In badminton Ooh, yes, I've been there! In badminton, what would you use instead of a ball? A shuttlecock! Correct, Carol.
Well done.
Please, make your way over to the Pull-it-Off Wall.
Great stuff.
OK, Carol, it's Bonus Pull time.
Now, you know the rules.
In the next round, the knob will have decreased in size, from anything up to 75%.
Are you ready to try and pull? Woo-hoo! All right, Carol, let's play! 'Release the knob.
' Ooh! Whoa! Oh, bad luck, Carol.
You didn't manage to Pull-it-Off.
Well, as soon as I saw how small the knob was, I knew it was game over but I was really only putting it on for my son anyway, so Whoa! Zo, Verna, mates.
Tell 'em de info about the sausage.
As far as I am concerned, this is normal Deutsche sausage.
Ooh, nein, mate, nicht normal Deutsche sausage.
See here, ein crack.
Oh, ja, it's always kaput-be.
It's nicht kaput.
It's designed the Russian Communist wurst and and, erm sie haus ein smaller wurst.
Well, I never.
Fuck off.
Und in haus even smaller wurst.
Und sie haben cocktail sausage.
Wow time.
Du consider selling? Oh, nein, nein, ist super sentimental sausage.
Oh, oh, well How much is worth, du bastard? Icht value-ing and this is insurance, eh? In ze region of 800,000 euros.
Fuck my arse! That is some (BLEEP) turn-up for the books.
Unds haben no idea all this time? Nein, nein not a sausage! Hot magic, vanish, oh, mates.
That's all for Sunday.
But if you like coming down and valuating olden day shit, join us next week in the city of Hamburg, where we'll be looking at olden day dildos und sex dolls.
Auf wiedersehen, mates.
Make way.
Excuse me.
We are the critics! Two men walk on stage and begin to talk.
They are acting.
A member of the venue staff approaches me Excuse me.
Can you be quiet, please? He boldly breaks the fourth wall by asking me to be quiet.
Shh! Yes, shush! Shush! Yes, shush.
Thank you.
They're not critics, they don't get it.
Oh, look, he's been in Holby City.
Which one? That one.
By your patience, I needs must rest me.
Oh, we're in safe hands.
Oh, he's very good.
Old Lord, I cannot blame thee Who am myself attached with weariness Boo! Boo! Let Holby City speak! I beseech you That are of suppler joints, Hinder them from the ecstasy that may provoke them too.
Bravo! A virtuoso performance.
The next advantage when we take thoroughly Right, well, I think we've seen all we need to see here.
Yeah, we get the general idea, you can stop it now.
Hey, you.
Yes?! You made a big mistake leaving Holby City cos this is bollocks! OK, let's get this stag do on the road.
I just want to start by saying a massive thank you for choosing Web Stag events and for coming down, let's have a look, all the way from nice, Crewe.
One of the most intensely farmed areas of the country at the turn of the century but we won't hold that against you! Your first taste of stag banter, there.
Plenty more in the locker, don't worry about it.
Prepare for a wealth of withdrawals from the bank of Bantander.
Lads, hang up your stockings, Banter Claus is coming to town, all right? Where's your lawyers? You're in Bantanamo Bay! Look What? Can we just get on with the quad biking? You hear that, Sue? Yeah, I heard it.
Stag eh? Wants to get on with the quad biking.
I'm afraid these bikes have been decommissioned.
You're only here for the purposes of ambience.
What we doing here, then? I'm going to answer that question with another question.
Who here's seen Time Team? Huh! I'd just like to make a quick announcement.
A thank you, really.
A massive thank you to Donna.
Yes.
As you all know, Donna donated a kidney to me last week in what was a beautiful and selfless act.
Well, hear, hear.
I'm sure you'll all agree it was worth all the complications and it certainly went to a good home.
And, well, I hate to think what this pie would have been like without it.
You were delicious, Donna.
Thank you.
To Donna.
Oh, and I hope you've all left room for Tony's nine-finger trifle.
Oh! Yum, yum! Delicious.
Oh, another funny story, actually we actually had the real Tony Robinson, yeah? You know, from Time Team? Yeah, he was here on a stag event last Spring.
Yeah, very dark outlook on life.
Called Sue a bitch and spent the rest of the day sat in his car.
Right banter break! Well, I wonder what the bride would say if she could see you lot now, sitting about, playing with your little tools.
Great banter, Sue! Thanks! OK, banter break over.
- Back to the digging.
- Right, I've had enough of this.
I'm sure that's what the bride will be saying on her wedding night! No, sorry, this isn't working.
Said the bride to the bishop.
Yeah, I can't be bothered.
Right, we're going home.
But the banter? I don't care about the banter! Sue! Come back! I hope you're pleased with yourself.
Right, I didn't mean to upset her.
Sue has spent hours sorting out this "shit", as you call it.
I never said "shit".
All you can do is insult her - the poor, poor bitch.
Right, what is the point of me even organising Britain's best stag and banter package? If you lot are just going to call it out as just a big dinner of dicks! No-one said that.
- Yeah, what Oh, I'm going to be sick.
- Oh, God! Don't be sick, Sue.
Don't be sick! Right, well done.
You just made Sue do a sick.
Fine, we'll carry on.
Oh, great great.
Right, who likes strippers? Yeah.
Yeah.
OK, pubes, you're up first and don't be stopping at your pants, you great big bummer! Come on, pubes, show everyone your penis.
Pubes, pubes, pubes, pubes, pubes Hello.
Hello.
And welcome back to Congratulation! The show that likes to say, "congratulation" to the nation.
Now, coming up on the show today, we have our very own Congratulation! fashion special.
That's right.
And we've got some of our lovely viewers here in the studio with us today.
But also with us is a dear old friend of mine.
We go way back.
It's our resident fashion expert, it's Zizi, who is going to talk us through some of the outfits as well.
Isn't that right, Zizi? That's right.
Great to see you again.
Well, for those of you that don't know, Zizi and I actually hosted this show together for the pilot, until Zizi happily became pregnant and then Jacqueline could step in so Well, great to see you today, Zizi.
And good to see that you've got everything under control now Well, let's and, actually, this might be interesting to you, Zizi, but next week we actually have our Congratulation! Mental health special.
OK, so, let's meet some of the viewers now - they all got a passion for fashion.
So let's get congratulating! So our first model today, it's Clara! So come and join us, Clara! Clara, that's great.
- Clara's shoes are from New Look - Congratulation, New Look.
- .
.
And the dress is Dorothy Perkins.
- Congratulation, Dorothy Perkin.
It look real nice.
And I guess if you wanted to, Zizi, you could, sort of, team this with a little neck scarf.
I couldn't vouch for that.
Thank you, Clara.
Well, next up, you're not going to believe this because we've got two people who are actually suffering from the affliction of twins.
I know, it's Bev and it's Pam dat's here.
Thank you, girls.
Whoa! Okey-doke.
Come on.
Well, talk us through your outfit today, please, girls.
Well, I'm meeting a friend for lunch.
Congratulation.
And I'm driving her there.
Congratulation.
And, well, congratulation to the pair of you! Absolutely extraordinary.
Do you remember, Suzanne, people used to mistake us for twin? They call us the terrible twin because we had the same perm? Yeah.
Zi, can you not embarrass me, please? Zizi, on TV, please.
Oh, sorry, what's a perm, Zizi? It's all a bit before my time.
Well, we've certainly saved the best till last, haven't we, here? Because, please, come and join us, David Shropshire.
David, look at Oh, David, I'm just hearing, sorry, we don't have time for you any more.
So the biggest congratulation go to the twins for meeting their friend for lunch and being driven there.
Zizi, you don't Stay where you are.