Apollo Gauntlet (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
Lunacy
1 [Idyllic music playing.]
[Jackhammering.]
[Chittering.]
[Ominous music plays.]
[Blink! Blink!.]
[People clamoring.]
Uh, what? What is this? [All gasp.]
What's going on? It's called an eclipse.
Yeah, thanks, Neil DeGrasse Gauntlet.
I can see that.
Oh, it is much more than that.
Corporal Vile has caused this eclipse, fully aware that its unnatural light will drive the citizens of Kingdom Bellenus insane, initiating the Three Days of Darkness as prophesied in the Oracles of Doom.
You know, you always talk about how bad the Oracles of Doom are, but, come on, "Crystal Skull" was so much worse.
All joking aside, you must stop him, Apollo.
Well, he he's a pretty tall drink of evil, Ozborne.
I'll I'll see what I can do, but Corporal Vile? Apollo and Gauntlet: # He's the very model of a modern vile corporal # [title music.]
Here comes Apollo Gauntlet 1x03 - Lunacy Ah, yes, my plan is working beautifully.
[Laughs evilly.]
Bring out Benign.
They'll figure it out.
They'll see how important I am those idiots.
Oh, hello.
Yes, no need to shove.
I'm coming in.
Good morning, everyone.
You're, uh You're standing at my station, actually.
"Your station.
" Aren't you just a slave here? Well, I, uh despite the explodable neck ring, I'm still senior science adviser here as far as I [Grunts, mug shatters.]
Dr.
Kallow has adjusted the moon into permanent eclipse using the subterranean lodestones.
- I could have helped with that.
- Shut up, fool! Find Apollo and convince him to bring his gauntlets to me.
He doesn't seem affected by the eclipse.
Perhaps your earth biology is immune as well.
Oh, it's Apollo and I aren't exactly friends.
I mean, I transported him to this world, and, uh - [chuckling.]
tried to kill him a few times.
- Just get them! He has no idea how powerful they are, but in my hands, I could rule this world.
[People screaming.]
[Grunts.]
Holy [bleep.]
.
Ozborne was right.
T-This eclipse is driving everyone nuts.
- I wonder why.
- I don't know.
It's probably positive ions or some [bleep.]
"Positive ions.
" [Roaring.]
Uh-oh, it's a rock monster! [Valley girl voice.]
Oh, my God.
This is turning out to be, like, the worst day ever.
[music.]
Uh, hello! Did you guys happen to notice what's going on outside? - We need to do something about this.
- Like what? It's anarchy.
[Chuckles.]
I say we just hunker down till it passes.
This is all just a-a byproduct of the class system anyway, man.
Superknife, you don't even have your hero suit on, dude! Come on, Apollo, relax and have an "End of the World" drink with me! Is there a single sane human being that will help me stop Corporal Vile's eclipse? - Apollo, we have to stop this eclipse.
- On a good day, this guy's a cross between Ed Gein and Josef Mengele.
And even he wants to help me.
This is a very sad day for heroism.
Very sad.
[Grunting.]
[Clamoring.]
Oh, hello, Dr.
Kallow.
[Grunting.]
Nice to meet you.
Oh, what's that you say, Corporal Vile? [Grunting.]
Yeah, I thought so.
[Grunting.]
Ayo, Klitschko, tell me something you've transported me to another world and attempted to kill me on numerous occasions.
Explain quickly why I shouldn't strangle you.
Well, simply put 'cause we both want to stop this eclipse.
You want to save lives, but I just want Corporal Vile and Dr.
Kallow to eat my shit.
Disparate intents, granted, but with the same fundamental goal.
Can we call a temporary truce? Sure.
Yeah, we got a truce.
Fine.
The lodestones must be agitating the magnetic elements in his body.
Okay, I think I have a plan.
But first, you have to release me from this neck ring.
Sounds good.
Let's do it.
Wait.
You don't think it'll still explode, do you? No.
You know, of course not.
But what's the sense in both of us dying if it does? Wait, wait, wait! I changed my mind! [Grunts.]
Ahh.
- Mob Leader: Kill them! - Huh? [chanting.]
No more kings! No more kings! - Kill them! - Daphne.
Bash their brains out! [forced giggle.]
Uh, yeah, we'll meet back here, okay? I'll see you later.
Bye.
[music.]
Yeah, no.
I-I think I'm in, honey.
I I Yeah, I know.
And I'm pretty sure they're replacing that Benign dude anyway.
[Chuckles.]
[Alarm blares.]
No! What's happening?! Yeah, I know.
C-Corporal Vile is the guy to work for right now.
Who, me? No, I'm not smoking.
No.
A-Anyway, I-I-I better get back.
Oh.
Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
I l I love you, too, hon.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
Okay, bye-bye No.
No! [Laughs.]
Damn you, Benign! Man: Family Bellenus, effective immediately, you have been sentenced to death by stoning.
Yes.
Kill me.
Kill me! I deserve it! [Laughter.]
Kill me! Everyone got their stones? [Cheering.]
Okay, now, hold on, everyone.
I-I know you think this will make you happy, but, uh, much like watching all the "Matrix" movies in a row, it will ultimately leave you with a horrible empty feeling inside.
You may even question whether you want to keep living.
So, please, I ask you kindly to reconsider.
Aw, now you done doed it.
[Grunting.]
[Dolphin chattering.]
[Grunting.]
[Chattering continues.]
[Grunting.]
[Laughs.]
You're always around when I need you, Apollo.
[Laughter.]
Okay, well, just p I hope you're normal soon.
Anyway, yes.
[Laughter continues.]
- Apollo.
- Where you headed, chief? Uh, mind if I catch a lift? [Giggles.]
You must be [bleep.]
me.
We can't hit the moon with a catapult, yub-nub.
Oh, yeah? Look at those.
It was designed for long-range attacks.
You fire it, the basket detaches, and, boom, the rockets activate.
Or maybe the eclipse is affecting your judgment.
Or maybe the eclipse is affecting your judgment of my judgment.
Eh, screw it.
It's worth a shot.
Only thing is, where the hell do we find a rock big enough? How's about him? [Roars.]
Now I know you buggin'.
Come on.
It'll be like "Shadow of the Colossus.
" What? Nobody gets your dumb pop-culture references, okay? God.
Alley-oop! - You ready for this? - For what? How do you feel about big-game fishing, son? Oh, no.
Shiiiiiiit! [Canadian accent.]
Holy cow.
I'm glad I put that one-ton Dacron line on.
This is gonna turn out to be a real wall-hanger, [music.]
like that white sturgeon my cousin Rene caught looked like a rolled-up sleeping bag.
Goddamn thing turned out to be, like, 200 years old or something.
I was like, "Rene, that's some fish's grandfather, dude!" This plan was a mistake! [Normal voice.]
Here he comes, but I gotcha! What? I'm still alive.
Huh? It's time to kill two birds with one trebuchet.
- Wait.
What happened? - Bye.
Beniiiiiign! [Laughs.]
Ahh.
It feels so good to be free.
Oh Yes, of course.
Never trust a guy with a tie clip.
[music.]
Oh.
We didn't even make it to the moon? Benign, you dumb [bleep.]
.
- Well, it's all up to you now, man.
- What? [Grunts.]
What? Something finally worked? Huh? [Screaming.]
[All sigh.]
No.
No! Damn you, Apollo Gauntlet! I will destroy you.
[Laughter.]
- Huh? - Huh? Apollo.
[Screaming in distance.]
[Heavy thud.]
[music.]
Oh, no.
Apollo! Um, everyone, please let us all take a moment and celebrate Apollo.
He He sacrificed himself for all of us.
You know, when he knew what he was doing, he was an effective hero, which did happen occasionally.
He was actually kind of handsome not in any traditional sense, of course, but from certain angles, he just looked like a man.
[Howls.]
He loved to tell jokes.
And he didn't even care that nobody else understood them.
I mean, the average person would be like, "Nobody's laughing at my jokes.
Maybe I should stop telling them.
" But he never did.
Apollo: I can hear you, you [bleep.]
.
[Jackhammering.]
[Chittering.]
[Ominous music plays.]
[Blink! Blink!.]
[People clamoring.]
Uh, what? What is this? [All gasp.]
What's going on? It's called an eclipse.
Yeah, thanks, Neil DeGrasse Gauntlet.
I can see that.
Oh, it is much more than that.
Corporal Vile has caused this eclipse, fully aware that its unnatural light will drive the citizens of Kingdom Bellenus insane, initiating the Three Days of Darkness as prophesied in the Oracles of Doom.
You know, you always talk about how bad the Oracles of Doom are, but, come on, "Crystal Skull" was so much worse.
All joking aside, you must stop him, Apollo.
Well, he he's a pretty tall drink of evil, Ozborne.
I'll I'll see what I can do, but Corporal Vile? Apollo and Gauntlet: # He's the very model of a modern vile corporal # [title music.]
Here comes Apollo Gauntlet 1x03 - Lunacy Ah, yes, my plan is working beautifully.
[Laughs evilly.]
Bring out Benign.
They'll figure it out.
They'll see how important I am those idiots.
Oh, hello.
Yes, no need to shove.
I'm coming in.
Good morning, everyone.
You're, uh You're standing at my station, actually.
"Your station.
" Aren't you just a slave here? Well, I, uh despite the explodable neck ring, I'm still senior science adviser here as far as I [Grunts, mug shatters.]
Dr.
Kallow has adjusted the moon into permanent eclipse using the subterranean lodestones.
- I could have helped with that.
- Shut up, fool! Find Apollo and convince him to bring his gauntlets to me.
He doesn't seem affected by the eclipse.
Perhaps your earth biology is immune as well.
Oh, it's Apollo and I aren't exactly friends.
I mean, I transported him to this world, and, uh - [chuckling.]
tried to kill him a few times.
- Just get them! He has no idea how powerful they are, but in my hands, I could rule this world.
[People screaming.]
[Grunts.]
Holy [bleep.]
.
Ozborne was right.
T-This eclipse is driving everyone nuts.
- I wonder why.
- I don't know.
It's probably positive ions or some [bleep.]
"Positive ions.
" [Roaring.]
Uh-oh, it's a rock monster! [Valley girl voice.]
Oh, my God.
This is turning out to be, like, the worst day ever.
[music.]
Uh, hello! Did you guys happen to notice what's going on outside? - We need to do something about this.
- Like what? It's anarchy.
[Chuckles.]
I say we just hunker down till it passes.
This is all just a-a byproduct of the class system anyway, man.
Superknife, you don't even have your hero suit on, dude! Come on, Apollo, relax and have an "End of the World" drink with me! Is there a single sane human being that will help me stop Corporal Vile's eclipse? - Apollo, we have to stop this eclipse.
- On a good day, this guy's a cross between Ed Gein and Josef Mengele.
And even he wants to help me.
This is a very sad day for heroism.
Very sad.
[Grunting.]
[Clamoring.]
Oh, hello, Dr.
Kallow.
[Grunting.]
Nice to meet you.
Oh, what's that you say, Corporal Vile? [Grunting.]
Yeah, I thought so.
[Grunting.]
Ayo, Klitschko, tell me something you've transported me to another world and attempted to kill me on numerous occasions.
Explain quickly why I shouldn't strangle you.
Well, simply put 'cause we both want to stop this eclipse.
You want to save lives, but I just want Corporal Vile and Dr.
Kallow to eat my shit.
Disparate intents, granted, but with the same fundamental goal.
Can we call a temporary truce? Sure.
Yeah, we got a truce.
Fine.
The lodestones must be agitating the magnetic elements in his body.
Okay, I think I have a plan.
But first, you have to release me from this neck ring.
Sounds good.
Let's do it.
Wait.
You don't think it'll still explode, do you? No.
You know, of course not.
But what's the sense in both of us dying if it does? Wait, wait, wait! I changed my mind! [Grunts.]
Ahh.
- Mob Leader: Kill them! - Huh? [chanting.]
No more kings! No more kings! - Kill them! - Daphne.
Bash their brains out! [forced giggle.]
Uh, yeah, we'll meet back here, okay? I'll see you later.
Bye.
[music.]
Yeah, no.
I-I think I'm in, honey.
I I Yeah, I know.
And I'm pretty sure they're replacing that Benign dude anyway.
[Chuckles.]
[Alarm blares.]
No! What's happening?! Yeah, I know.
C-Corporal Vile is the guy to work for right now.
Who, me? No, I'm not smoking.
No.
A-Anyway, I-I-I better get back.
Oh.
Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
I l I love you, too, hon.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
Okay, bye-bye No.
No! [Laughs.]
Damn you, Benign! Man: Family Bellenus, effective immediately, you have been sentenced to death by stoning.
Yes.
Kill me.
Kill me! I deserve it! [Laughter.]
Kill me! Everyone got their stones? [Cheering.]
Okay, now, hold on, everyone.
I-I know you think this will make you happy, but, uh, much like watching all the "Matrix" movies in a row, it will ultimately leave you with a horrible empty feeling inside.
You may even question whether you want to keep living.
So, please, I ask you kindly to reconsider.
Aw, now you done doed it.
[Grunting.]
[Dolphin chattering.]
[Grunting.]
[Chattering continues.]
[Grunting.]
[Laughs.]
You're always around when I need you, Apollo.
[Laughter.]
Okay, well, just p I hope you're normal soon.
Anyway, yes.
[Laughter continues.]
- Apollo.
- Where you headed, chief? Uh, mind if I catch a lift? [Giggles.]
You must be [bleep.]
me.
We can't hit the moon with a catapult, yub-nub.
Oh, yeah? Look at those.
It was designed for long-range attacks.
You fire it, the basket detaches, and, boom, the rockets activate.
Or maybe the eclipse is affecting your judgment.
Or maybe the eclipse is affecting your judgment of my judgment.
Eh, screw it.
It's worth a shot.
Only thing is, where the hell do we find a rock big enough? How's about him? [Roars.]
Now I know you buggin'.
Come on.
It'll be like "Shadow of the Colossus.
" What? Nobody gets your dumb pop-culture references, okay? God.
Alley-oop! - You ready for this? - For what? How do you feel about big-game fishing, son? Oh, no.
Shiiiiiiit! [Canadian accent.]
Holy cow.
I'm glad I put that one-ton Dacron line on.
This is gonna turn out to be a real wall-hanger, [music.]
like that white sturgeon my cousin Rene caught looked like a rolled-up sleeping bag.
Goddamn thing turned out to be, like, 200 years old or something.
I was like, "Rene, that's some fish's grandfather, dude!" This plan was a mistake! [Normal voice.]
Here he comes, but I gotcha! What? I'm still alive.
Huh? It's time to kill two birds with one trebuchet.
- Wait.
What happened? - Bye.
Beniiiiiign! [Laughs.]
Ahh.
It feels so good to be free.
Oh Yes, of course.
Never trust a guy with a tie clip.
[music.]
Oh.
We didn't even make it to the moon? Benign, you dumb [bleep.]
.
- Well, it's all up to you now, man.
- What? [Grunts.]
What? Something finally worked? Huh? [Screaming.]
[All sigh.]
No.
No! Damn you, Apollo Gauntlet! I will destroy you.
[Laughter.]
- Huh? - Huh? Apollo.
[Screaming in distance.]
[Heavy thud.]
[music.]
Oh, no.
Apollo! Um, everyone, please let us all take a moment and celebrate Apollo.
He He sacrificed himself for all of us.
You know, when he knew what he was doing, he was an effective hero, which did happen occasionally.
He was actually kind of handsome not in any traditional sense, of course, but from certain angles, he just looked like a man.
[Howls.]
He loved to tell jokes.
And he didn't even care that nobody else understood them.
I mean, the average person would be like, "Nobody's laughing at my jokes.
Maybe I should stop telling them.
" But he never did.
Apollo: I can hear you, you [bleep.]
.