Are You Being Served? Again! (1992) s01e03 Episode Script

1
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
( HUMMING )
MORNING, MAVIS.
GOOD MORNING,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
WHY ARE YOU DRAWING
FACES ON THE EGGS?
WELL, THE ONE'S WITH
THE MOUTHS GOING DOWN
ARE THE SOFT ONES,
THE ONES WITH
THE LITTLE SMILE
ARE A BIT FIRMER
AND THE ONES
WITH THE BIG SMILE
ARE THE HARD ONES.
PUT ME DOWN
FOR A HOPEFUL GRIN.
YOU WERE RESTLESS
IN BED LAST NIGHT.
THAT WAS YOUR FAULT.
YOU ROLLED OVER AND TOOK
ALL THE BED CLOTHES.
DID I?
I'M SORRY.
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
DESPITE ANY RUMORS
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD
TO THE CONTRARY,
ALL MY LIFE
I HAVE SLEPT ALONE.
APART FROM WILFRED.
- WHO'S WILFRED?
- MY TEDDY BEAR.
DON'T YOU THINK
IT'S NICE TO HAVE
SOMEONE TO CHAT TO?
ROUND THESE PARTS,
WE OFTEN BUNK UP
TOGETHER TO KEEP WARM.
IT DOESN'T WORK IF
YOU PINCH THE BLANKETS.
YOU SHOULD TUG THEM
BACK AGAIN.
THAT'S HALF THE FUN.
I WON'T ASK WHA
THE OTHER HALF IS.
I USED TO HAVE
TERRIBLE TUSSLES
WITH THE LAST CHEF.
HE WERE A QUIE
LAD LIKE YOU.
LAD
I HAVEN'T HEARD
THAT FOR A LONG TIME.
I USED TO BRING
HIM OUT OF HIMSELF
WITH A PILLOW FIGHT.
YOU KNOW HOW TO GE
ON WITH PEOPLE,
DON'T YOU?
I ALWAYS SAY
PEOPLE IS LIKE HOUSES
YOU NEVER KNOW
WHO LIVES IN THEM
TILL YOU KNOCK
AT THE DOOR.
PEOPLE HAVE KNOCKED,
BUT MY MOTHER ALWAYS ANSWERED.
WE'RE NEARLY
OUT OF MILK.
THERE'LL BE SOME
IN THE COOLER.
- MORNING, MR. HUMPHRIES.
- GOOD MORNING, MISS BRAHMS.
HOW ARE YOU
THIS MORNING?
HE'S CROSS
BECAUSE I PINCHED
ALL THE BLANKETS.
IT'S NOT WHA
YOU THINK.
IT'S NOT WHAT I THINK,
WE ALL THINK IT.
APPARENTLY IT'S QUITE
NORMAL IN THE COUNTRY.
YOU'D THINK THEY'D
WAIT TO BE ASKED.
MRS. SLOCOMBE IS IN
A TERRIBLE STATE
ABOUT GOING
TO COURT TODAY.
I BLAME
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
HE SHOULD NEVER
HAVE LET HER
MOVE THAT GYPSY HORSE
AND CART ON HER OWN.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT MADE THE HORSE BOLT.
IT PROBABLY LOOKED AROUND,
SAW WHO WAS DRIVING
AND TRIED TO GET AWAY.
GOOD MORNING,
MR. HUMPHRIES
- MISS BRAHMS.
- MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
YOU LOOK VERY FORMAL.
I HAVEN'T SEEN
YOU WEAR THAT SUI
SINCE YOU WERE A FLOOR
WALKER AT GRACE BROTHERS.
I'M A KEY WITNESS IN THE CASE
OF THE CROWN V. MRS. SLOCOMBE.
OH, BLIMEY,
CRIPPIN'S BIRD.
COME SIT DOWN,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
I'VE JUST MADE
A POT OF TEA.
THANK YOU.
IT'S ONLY
A COUNTRY COURT.
IT'S NOT NUREMBURG.
IT'S ALL SO HUMILIATING.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME
I'VE BEEN IN COURT.
WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME
YOU WAS LEGLESS IN BENIDORM?
YOU KNOCKED THA
POLICEMAN'S HAT OFF,
FIRED HIS PISTOL IN THE AIR
AND SHOUTED OUT,
"FRANCO'S A BERK."
FRANCO WAS VERY
UNPOPULAR AT THE TIME.
I WAS MERELY EXPRESSING
THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE.
YOU DO LOOK SMART,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
YOU'LL MAKE A RIGHT STIR
IN THE COURT.
THEY ONLY GE
DRUNKS AS A RULE
OR DAD,
FOR SHEEP WORRYING.
I DIDN'T KNOW
HE HAD A DOG.
HE HASN'T,
BUT HE WORRIES
THEM ALL THE SAME.
GOOD MORNING.
DON'T GET UP.
I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS.
MESSIEURS THORPE,
THORPE, & THORPE,
MR. GRACE'S FAMILY
SOLICITORS HAVE AGREED
TO CONDUCT THE CASE
ON OUR BEHALF.
WHO HAVE THEY APPOINTED?
MR. THORPE.
I WOULD HAVE THOUGH
A LOCAL MAN WAS
BETTER QUALIFIED.
I DECIDED THE BENCH
WOULD BE MORE IMPRESSED
BY A LONDON FIRM.
THE WHOLE THING'S RIDICULOUS.
THE CASE WILL BE THROWN OU
IN TWO MINUTES.
IT SHOULD NEVER
HAVE BEEN BROUGHT.
SORRY TO BARGE IN
WHEN YOU GOT YOUR
SNOUTS IN THE TROUGH.
HAVE YOU SEEN
THE PAPERS?
YOU LOTS FRONT PAGE
HEADLINE NEWS.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK.
"PENSIONARY RUMPUS
OVER STOLEN CAR."
THEY MUST BE REFERRING
TO THAT GYPSY.
DO THEY MENTION ME?
YES, YOU'RE
THE PENSIONER.
YOU'VE HAD YOUR PHOTO TOOK.
HE SNAPPED YOU ON THE CAR
PASSING THE POST OFFICE.
IS IT A GOOD LIKENESS?
IT'S GOOD OF
YOUR BLOOMERS.
( MOULTERD CACKLING )
HOW "IGNOMONIOUS!"
DON'T WORRY.
THEY CAN'T SEE
YOUR FACE.
COULD BE ANYBODY'S BLOOMERS.
IT'S SAYS,
"MRS. E. SLOCOMBE
OF MILLSTONE MANOR,
WAS ARRESTED
AND CHARGED WITH
TAKING AWAY
A TOTTER'S CAR
WITHOUT CONSENT,
AND DRIVING I
IN A DANGEROUS MANNER.
MRS. SLOCOMBE REFUSED
TO GIVE HER AGE,
BUT THE MERCURY REPORTER
RECOVERED HER BUS PASS
FROM THE FLOOR OF
THE SHATTERED CART.
WHEN CHARGED,
SHE REPLIED,
'IT WAS AN ACCIDEN
AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THAT.'"
THERE'S A BIT MORE.
"A WITNESS,
CORPORAL PEACOCK"
A MISPRINT.
"AGE 37"
ANOTHER MISPRINT.
"SAID HE HAD WARNED HER
AGAINST TAKING THE CAR
BUT SHE HAD IGNORED
HIS ADVICE."
HOW COULD YOU?
I SAID NOTHING
OF THE KIND.
I SAID I ADVISED CAUTION
WHEN MOVING THE CART.
AND THAT YOU DIDN'
TAKE ANY NOTICE.
THIS IS TRIAL
BY MEDIA.
WE SHOULD COMPLAIN
TO THE PRESS COUNCIL.
YOU'LL BE UP
BEFORE SIR ROBERT.
HE'S EVER SO STRICT,
BUT HE'S FAIR.
HE'S MASTER
OF THE FOXHOUNDS.
I DON'T SUPPOSE
HE'LL LET THE FAC
YOUR CAT RUINED THE HUN
COUNT AGAINST YOU.
DOESN'T ANYONE ANSWER
THE PHONE AROUND HERE?
WE DIDN'
HEAR IT RING.
I WAS HAVING A BATH.
I HAD TO CLIMB OUT ALL WET.
VERY CHARMING YOU LOOK.
DID ANYONE
ORDER A TAXI?
- YES, I DID.
- IT'S NOT COMING.
APPARENTLY,
THE BIG END'S GONE.
THAT'S VERY SERIOUS.
HOW ARE WE GOING
TO GET TO THE COURT?
I SUPPOSE
I COULD FERRY YOU
ONE BY ONE
ON MY MOTORCYCLE.
MY DAD'S GOT MARKE
THIS MORNING.
HE CAN GIVE YOU
A LIFT.
- WHAT TIME IS HE LEAVING?
- IN ABOUT 10 MINUTES.
I'LL TELL HIM TO WAI
FOR YOU IN THE YARD.
I FOR ONE WILL BE
ONLY TOO PLEASED
TO TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF YOUR KIND OFFER.
I'LL GET INTO MY LEATHERS.
HAVE YOU GOT ANY?
NO, I'LL GO AS I AM.
- WHERE SHALL I MEET YOU?
- BEHIND THE BIKE SHED.
AH
HAPPY DAYS.
MISS LOVELOCK.
OH, MISS LOVELOCK?
I SAY.
( ENGINE REVVING )
COMMENTATOR:
AND THERE THEY ARE
REVVING UP AT THE STAR
OF THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP.
THEY'RE OFF!
AWAY THEY GO!
PEACOCK,
A MAGNIFICENT STAR
DESPITE THE FAC
HE'S THE OLDEST MAN
IN THE RACE, AT 37!
AND MY WORD,
HE'S GONE AHEAD
LIKE A TEENAGER.
WITH A NERVE OF IRON
HE GOES INTO THE FIRST CORNER.
THE MAN WHO'S TAUGH
BARRY SHEENE
EVERYTHING HE KNOWS
IS LEADING THE FIELD.
HIS MACHINE, OF COURSE
PREPARED BY THE MECHANIC,
JESSICA LOVELOCK,
WITH WHOM IT IS SAID
HE HAS A ROMANTIC ATTACHMENT.
CAN HE KEEP UP THIS AMAZING
DAREDEVIL PERFORMANCE
FOR 100 GRUELING LAPS?
THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT,
THERE'S ONLY ONE NAME
THAT'S GOING TO BE ON
EVERYONE'S LIPS THIS SEASON.
- MISS LOVELOCK:
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
- OH YES?
HAVE YOU EVER
RIDDEN BEFORE?
NO, BUT I'VE ALWAYS
BEEN A KEEN FOLLOWER
OF THE SPORT.
THAT HAT WON'T DO,
I'M AFRAID
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
OH, I SAY
WHAT FUN.
NOW HOLD ME FIRMLY.
YES.
KEEP YOUR BODY RELAXED.
DON'T STIFFEN UP.
I'LL TRY NOT TO.
WE'LL START UP
AND HAVE A RUN AROUND
TO GIVE YOU A CHANCE
TO GET THE FEEL OF IT.
VISORS DOWN.
HERE WE GO.
( ENGINE REVS )
( TIRES SQUEAL )
AHHH!
( SCREECHING )
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
YOU CAN LET GO NOW.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK!
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
ARE YOU STILL
IN THERE?
I TOLD YOU
NOT TO STIFFEN UP!
ON SECOND THOUGHTS,
MISS LOVELOCK,
I THINK I'LL TAKE
THE ALTERNATIVE TRANSPORT.
DAD'S JUST COMING.
HE HAD TROUBLE
GETTING IT GOING.
I'M AM NO
GOING IN THAT,
FOR A START
AND I AM UNANIMOUS
IN THAT.
SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.
I HAD TO USE THE HANDLE
AND MY APPLIANCE SLIPPED.
IS THERE ANYTHING
WE CAN DO?
NO, DOCTOR SAID
IT WAS BEST LEFT ALONE.
NOW LET'S GE
THE OLD SOW ABOARD.
I'LL THANK YOU TO KEEP
A CIVIL TONGUE IN YOUR HEAD!
DAD MEANS THE ONE
WE'RE TAKING TO MARKET.
GIVE ME A HAND
WITH THE PIGLETS.
YOU LOT STAND
THIS SIDE OF THE WIRE
AND I'LL HAND THEM
TO YOU.
DAD MUSTN'T LIF
HEAVY WEIGHTS.
( THUMPING )
HE MUST BE ADJUSTING
HIS APPLIANCE.
( PIG SQUEALING )
STOP WIGGLING.
NOW, NOW, NOW,
DON'T PANIC.
IT'S ONLY ME.
NOW THEN.
COME ALONG.
( SQUEALS )
DO YOU KNOW, IT'S RIGH
PUTTING ME OFF BACON.
THERE YOU ARE.
FANCY TRAVELING
WITH PIGS.
ANYTHING'S BETTER THAN
THE BAKERLOO LINE.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
TRAVELING BY MOTORCYCLE.
I GAVE UP MY SEA
TO MR. RUMBOLD.
- WHERE'S THE CAR?
- THIS IS IT.
ALL ABOARD.
I DO THIS
UNDER PROTEST.
- WHAT'S THAT NOISE?
- THAT'S THE PIGS.
DAD'S TAKING
THEM TO MARKET.
OH!
I WOULDN'T SIT DOWN
IF I WERE YOU.
HOLD ON.
WE'RE OFF!
HOLD ON TO THE SIDE,
MR. HUMPHRIES!
WE DON'T WANT YOU
STRAINING YOURSELF.
GOODBYE AND GOOD LUCK.
THIS PUTS ME IN MIND OF
"A TALE OF TWO CITIES,"
WHEN THE ARISTOCRATS
WERE BEING TAKEN
IN A TUMBREL
TO MEE
MADAME GUILLOTINE.
YES, I BET IT PONGED
IN THEM DAYS 'AN ALL.
HOW'S THE PIGS?
THEY'RE ENJOYING
THE JOURNEY
VERY RELAXED.
GOOD MORNING.
TOGETHER:
GOOD MORNING, MR. THORPE.
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
WE ALWAYS SEEM TO MEE
IN SAD CIRCUMSTANCES.
IS EVERYTHING READY?
IT'S NOT THE USUAL
TYPE OF LITIGATION
HANDLED BY THORPE,
THORPE & THORPE.
NORMALLY WE DEAL
IN DIVORCE,
RENT ARREARS,
THAT SORT OF THING.
I THINK I PREPARED
A PRETTY GOOD CASE.
- AND WHAT IS IT?
- THAT WE PLEAD GUILTY.
I REFUSE TO HAVE A STAIN
ON MY ESCUTCHEON
BY PLEADING GUILTY.
I WAS MERELY
REMOVING A HORSE
THAT WAS OBSTRUCTING
THE HIGHWAY.
THERE WAS A SIMILAR CASE
SOME TIME AGO,
WHEN A HORSE WAS REMOVED
IN LIKE CIRCUMSTANCES
CROWN V. TUPPEN.
WHAT WAS THE JUDGMENT?
HE WAS HANGED
AT TYBURN.
ATTRACTED A PRETTY
GOOD CROWD.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU
DON'T GO IN THERE
AND TELL THEM
YOU DIDN'
KNOW THE HORSE
WAS A NUTTER,
OTHERWISE YOU'D
NEVER HAVE TRIED
TO SHIFT I
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
I HARDLY LIKE
TO ASK THIS, BUT
HAVE YOU ANY
PREVIOUS CONVICTIONS?
ONE, IN BENIDORM.
I WAS REFERRING
TO THIS COUNTRY.
SOME YEARS AGO,
I WAS WALKING
THE STREETS OF SOHO
OH, DEAR.
YOU WERE ON THE GAME.
WILL YOU LET ME FINISH?
I WAS WALKING THE STREETS
OF SOHO LOOKING FOR A TAXI
WITH MY FRIEND,
MRS. AXELBY,
AND WE BUMPED
INTO A POLICEMAN
AND INADVERTENTLY
KNOCKED OFF HIS HELMET.
JUST LIKE BENIDORM.
SHUT UP.
UNFORTUNATELY,
HE WAS A YOUNG,
INEXPERIENCED POLICEMAN
AND VERY FOOLISHLY
THOUGHT WE WERE TIPSY.
AND WHAT HAPPENED?
40 SHILLINGS
AND A CAUTION.
I SEE.
ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'
WANT TO PLEAD GUILTY?
CERTAINLY NOT.
SHE IS A FINE
UPSTANDING MEMBER
OF THIS COMMUNITY.
THANK YOU,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
EXCEPT WHEN SHE'S
HAD A FEW GINS.
SORRY WE'RE LATE.
I WAS GETTING
INTO MY LEATHERS.
BLIMEY, HE'S WEARING
A WHOLE COW.
THE MAGISTRATES
ARE ABOUT TO TAKE
THEIR SEATS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD LUCK,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
YOU STAY OUT HERE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
YOU'RE OUR STAR WITNESS.
WHAT'S ALREADY GO
A CRIMINAL RECORD
FOR SPEEDING.
CLERK:
COURT WILL RISE.
CALL MRS. E. SLOCOMBE.
MRS. E. SLOCOMBE.
HEY, YOU!
STAND UP.
- WHAT ME?
- YES, YOU.
I'M TELLING YOU
HERE AND NOW THA
I WON'T STAND FOR
ANY NONSENSE FROM YOU
HELL'S ANGELS TYPES.
THE FIRST HIN
OF A DISTURBANCE
AND YOU'RE OUT OF THIS COUR
AND INTO THE CELLS.
IS THAT CLEAR?
I THINK YOU'VE GO
THE WRONG IMPRESSION.
DON'T ARGUE WITH ME!
THAT'S IT.
TAKE HIM OUT.
WHAT?
IT'S RIDICULOUS
FOR SOMEONE YOUR AGE
TO DRESS LIKE THAT.
DAMNED BEATNIKS.
IT'S GOING
VERY WELL SO FAR.
ARE YOU MRS. E. SLOCOMBE
OF MILLSTONE MANOR?
I AM SHE.
ARE WE ALLOWED TO SEE
THE ACCUSED'S FACE,
OR IS THERE SOME FEATURE
OF HER PHYSIOGNOMY
THAT SHE DOES NOT WISH
THE WORLD TO SEE?
THORPE:
WOULD YOU
REMOVE THE VEIL?
THE CHARGE IS THA
ON THE 25TH DAY
OF THIS MONTH,
AT APPROXIMATELY
MIDDAY,
YOU DID DRIVE AWAY
ONE HORSE AND CAR
WITHOUT THE CONSEN
OF THE OWNER.
DO YOU PLEAD GUILTY
OR NOT GUILTY?
NOT GUILTY.
INSPECTOR.
I INTEND TO CALL
ONLY ONE WITNESS
ON THE FIRST CHARGE.
THE OWNER OF THE CART
CALL MR. JOSEPH LEE.
MR. JOSEPH LEE.
I DON'T GIVE MUCH FOR
MRS. SLOCOMBE'S CHANCES
WITH THAT DAMN
MAGISTRATE.
HE IMPLIED
I WAS A HOOLIGAN.
I THINK I'VE GO
A CASE FOR SLANDER.
I'M ABSOLUTELY BOILING.
I'M NOT SURPRISED,
IN THAT OUTFIT.
TAKE YOUR JACKET OFF.
WHERE WERE YOU
AT THE TIME
OF THE THEF
OF THE CART?
I OBJECT.
IT'S NOT BEEN ESTABLISHED
THAT IT WAS STOLEN.
ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE
LONDON LAWYERS?
YES, YOUR WORSHIP.
WELL, DON'T TRY ANY OF THA
"LA LAW" STUFF ON HERE.
CARRY ON.
WHERE WERE YOU
AT THE SAID TIME?
I WAS BEHIND THE HEDGE
HAVING A SLASH.
WHAT WAS THAT?
HE WAS TRIMMING
THE HEDGE.
DID YOU GIVE
YOUR CONSENT TO
THIS LADY
DRIVING AWAY
YOUR VEHICLE?
CERTAINLY NOT.
NOTHING FURTHER
YOUR WORSHIP.
YOUR TURN,
MR. THORPE.
GET ON WITH IT!
WE DON'T WANT TO
BE HERE ALL DAY.
UH, NO QUESTIONS.
JUST A MINUTE!
I'VE GOT A QUESTION.
HIS HORSE WAS
BLOCKING THE HIGHWAY.
HOW DOES HE KNOW,
IF HE WAS BEHIND THE HEDGE
DOING WHAT HE SAYS
HE WAS DOING,
THAT IT WAS ME
AND NOT SOMEBODY
THAT LOOKED LIKE ME?
WE KNOW DAMN WELL
IT WAS YOU.
THERE'S NOBODY ELSE
LIKE YOU.
I INTEND TO CALL NO FURTHER
WITNESSES ON THE FIRST CHARGE.
STAND DOWN.
MR. THORPE.
BY WAY OF REBUTTING
THIS INCIDENT,
I WANT TO SHOW THA
THE WHOLE SORRY AFFAIR
WAS ENTIRELY ACCIDENTAL.
MAY I CALL
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
CALL CAPTAIN PEACOCK!
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
GOOD LUCK, PEACOCK.
DON'T LET THEM
BROW-BEAT YOU.
YOU'LL BE
PLEASED TO HEAR
I GOT A GOOD PRICE
FOR THE PIGS.
WELL DONE.
SURPRISED TO SEE YOU
NOT IN COURT.
I DECIDED TO
WAIT OUT HERE.
BEFORE WE START,
I THINK IT WOULD
BE HELPFUL
IF WE REFERRED
TO YOUR WAR RECORD.
I RETURNED WITH THE RANK
OF HONORARY CAPTAIN.
- NAVY?
- NO, ARMY.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK
SERVED WITH ALEXANDER
IN THE RAGTIME BAND.
GENERAL ALEXANDER,
AND MONTGOMERY,
AND EISENHOWER.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK HAD
A DISTINGUISHED RECORD
UNTIL HE WAS
INVALIDED OU
JUST BEFORE THE FINAL
ASSAULT ON TOBRUCK,
WITH AN INGROWING
TOENAIL.
I'M SURPRISED
HE HASN'T MENTIONED
HIS HAND-TO-HAND
COMBAT WITH ROMMEL.
THAT JUST COMES OU
AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.
HOW'S IT GOING?
CAPTAIN PEACOCK HAS BEEN
SPEAKING FOR 20 MINUTES
AND HASN'T SAID ANYTHING.
ONE OF THE LADY MAGISTRATES
HAS JUST BEEN WOKEN UP
BY SIR ROBERT.
I CYCLED OVER
WITH A PHEASANT.
WELL DONE.
WE'LL SLIP I
TO THE CLERK,
AND HE CAN GIVE
IT TO SIR ROBERT.
GOOD HEAVENS,
YOU'RE NOT TRYING
TO FIX THE MAGISTRATE?
WE DO THINGS DIFFEREN
IN THE COUNTRY.
I HOPE YOU'LL BE
DISCREET ABOUT IT.
OH, DON'T YOU WORRY.
I WOULD LIKE TO CALL
MR. HUMPHRIES
AS A CHARACTER WITNESS.
WHOSE CHARACTER ARE
WE TALKING ABOUT?
MRS. SLOCOMBE'S.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, THEN.
NAME?
WILBERFORCE
CLAYBOURNE HUMPHRIES.
YOU WEREN'T UNDER
ALEXANDER, MONTGOMERY,
AND EISENHOWER
WERE YOU?
NO, I KEPT MYSELF
TO MYSELF.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I WAS IN THE BOYS' BRIGADE.
HAVE YOU KNOWN
MRS. SLOCOMBE
A LONG TIME?
OH, YEARS AND YEARS.
AND YEARS, AND YEARS,
AND YEARS, AND YEARS
NOT THAT LONG,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
WE STARTED A
GRACE BROTHERS TOGETHER.
IN THOSE DAYS,
SHE WAS IN BRAS
AND I WAS IN SOCKS
AND Y FRONTS.
WERE YOU LIVING
WITH THE WOMAN?
OH, NO.
THAT WAS OUR WORK.
AND MAY I SAY,
MRS. SLOCOMBE IS AS HONES
AS THE DAY IS LONG
AND WOULD NEVER TELL A LIE.
I STAKE MY REPUTATION
ON THAT.
BANG GOES THE CASE
FOR THE DEFENSE.
I'M AFRAID MR. THORPE'S
MAKING RATHER HEAVY
WEATHER OF IT.
CALL MISS SHIRLEY BRAHMS.
OH GOD, HE'S CALLING
MISS BRAHMS NOW.
SHE'S BOUND TO PU
HER FOOT IN IT.
NAME?
SHIRLEY BRAHMS,
YOUR GRACE.
NOW, MISS BRAHMS,
YOU'VE KNOWN MRS. SLOCOMBE
FOR A VERY LONG TIME?
OH, NOT ANOTHER ONE.
YES, WE WAS IN
UNDERWEAR TOGETHER.
IF SHE SAID
SHE DIDN'T DONE IT,
THEN SHE DIDN'
DONE IT.
I WOULD TAKE
HER WORD ANY DAY
AGAINST THAT BLOKE
WHO WAS BEHIND THE HEDGE
DOING WHATEVER IT WAS
HE SAID HE WAS DOING.
MIND YOU,
AFTER A FEW GINS,
SHE IS GAME
FOR A PRANK.
BUT THIS DAY,
SHE HADN'T HAD A BEVVY.
I THINK WE'RE GETTING
INTO RATHER DEEP WATER.
BUT YOU WERE MARVELOUS.
WOULD YOU CARE TO SHARE
YOUR CONVERSATION WITH
THE REST OF THE COURT?
I AM SORRY,
YOUR WORSHIP.
OH, JESSICA,
I DIDN'T SEE IT WAS YOU.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOU, YESTERDAY?
I GOT TOSSED
INTO A DITCH.
WILL YOU BE WITH US
THIS WEEKEND?
IF YOU'LL HAVE ME,
I'D LOVE TO.
CAN I GO
OR IS THERE MORE?
CALLING MR. MOULTERD.
DAD?
DAD, WAKE UP.
THEY'RE CALLING YOU.
( SNORES )
THEY'RE CALLING YOU.
I'VE KNOWN HER LONGER
THAN ANYBODY, HAVEN'T I?
NAME?
MAURICE MOULTERD.
M-O-U-
WE KNOW.
HE HASN'T BEEN WORRYING
THE SHEEP AGAIN, HAS HE?
NO, CELIA, HE'S
IN THE WITNESS BOX.
THE COURT HAS
TAKEN NOTE OF THAT.
YOU'VE KNOWN MRS. SLOCOMBE
A LONG TIME?
YEARS AND YEARS.
YEARS AND YEARS.
THERE'S NO NEED
TO GO THAT FAR BACK.
DO YOU DOUB
HER VERACITY?
PARDON?
WOULD YOU DOUB
HER VERACITY?
SHE DEFINITELY HAD I
WHEN I FIRST MET HER.
WOULD YOU SAY
SHE WAS EXPERIENCED
IN COUNTRY MATTERS?
VERY, VERY EXPERIENCED.
SHE'D HAVE A GO
AT ANYTHING.
IF I MIGHT SAY SO,
SIR ROBERT,
I KNOW WHAT JOE WAS DOING
WHEN HE LEFT HIS CART.
IT WAS ON YOUR LAND,
HE WAS
AND IT WAS YOUR PHEASANTS
HE WAS POACHING.
I BROUGHT ONE ALONG TODAY
AS EVIDENCE. SEE?
EXCUSE ME ONE MOMEN
WHILE WE CONFER.
WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW?
THEY LOST ME
AN HOUR AGO.
WE'LL HAVE
THE VERDIC
IN A MINUTE.
WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
THAT WILL BE?
I'VE NO IDEA.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT SOR
OF SENTENCES THEY PASS
IN THIS PART OF THE COUNTRY.
AGREED.
HANG THE BIRD
IN THE CELLAR.
I PROTEST, YOUR WORSHIP.
THERE'S NO NEED,
MR. THORPE.
IT'S FIVE TILL 1:00
I THINK WE'VE HEARD
ENOUGH OF THIS RIGMAROLE.
MR. MOULTERD HAS INTRODUCED
AN ELEMENT OF DOUBT.
COURT ADJOURNED.
COURT WILL RISE.
THERE, DIDDLES.
GOOD NIGHT.
NEARLY LOS
YOUR MUMMY TODAY.
AND THEN ONE WOULD
HAVE BEEN AN ORPHAN.
( KNOCK ON DOOR )
YES?
JUST ME,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
JUST COMING
TO SAY GOODNIGHT.
AREN'T YOU GOING TO
SLEEP IN HERE TONIGHT?
I'VE DRAGGED
MY BED OUT NOW.
BUT I'LL STOP
IF YOU LIKE.
I WOULD APPRECIATE
THE COMPANY.
IT'S BEEN A VERY
UNNERVING DAY.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN.
- MIND YOU
IF I SHOULD BE VERY
RESTLESS IN MY SLEEP
DON'T WORRY.
I SHALL PROBABLY BE TRYING
TO ESCAPE FROM CELL BLOCK "H."
( KNOCKING ON DOOR )
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
MISS BRAHMS,
IF YOU SHOULD FEEL
NERVOUS DURING THE NIGHT,
AFTER YOUR ORDEAL,
I'M NEXT DOOR.
YOU ONLY HAVE TO KNOCK.
I'LL TRY
TO CONTROL MYSELF.
IN TIMES OF STRESS,
I FIND IT HELPFUL TO DO
WHAT THE TIBETANS DO.
THEY ADOPT THE LOTUS
POSITION AND HUM.
THERE'S AN ILLUSTRATION
OF IT IN THIS BOOK.
I DON'T THINK
I COULD DO THAT.
COULD YOU,
MISS BRAHMS?
NO, NOT WITHOU
AN AMBULANCE STANDING BY.
IT WILL ONLY TAKE
ABOUT 10 MINUTES.
I HOPE I WON'
DISTURB YOU.
YOU SEE, EACH ORGAN
OF THE BODY RESPONDS
TO A DIFFERENT NOTE
WHEN YOU HUM.
GOOD LUCK,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
GOOD NIGHT.
( PEACOCK HUMMING )
( WARBLING )
I WONDER WHICH
ORGAN THAT WAS?
WE'VE HAD THE TOP
AND THE BOTTOM.
THAT WAS PROBABLY
SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE.
- GOOD NIGHT, MISS BRAHMS.
- GOOD NIGHT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
( PEACOCK HUMS
EXTREMELY LOUD )
AGHH!
( TELEPHONE RINGING )
HELLO.
HELLO, MOTHER.
YES, I'M SETTLING
IN QUITE WELL.
I WAS IN COURT TODAY.
NO, THAT'S ALL BEHIND ME.
THIS WAS A DIFFERENT CASE.
I WASN'T IN THE DOCK.
NO, I WAS A WITNESS
SHE GOT OFF.
I WOULD'VE
PHONED YOU EARLIER
BUT I WAS PUTTING A BOL
ON MY BEDROOM DOOR.
IT'S THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER.
SHE TENDS TO WANDER
ABOUT A BIT AT NIGHT.
I THINK SHE'S GOT HOLD
OF THE WRONG END OF THE STICK.
THE STICK.
YES, THE WRONG END OF IT.
ARE YOU ON YOUR MOBILE?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE.
YOU'RE GETTING A LOT OF
INTERFERENCE FROM
YOUR WALKING FRAME.
THERE'S SOMEBODY
TRYING TO GET A TAXI.
HELLO?
WE'VE BEEN CUT OFF.
YOU LOCKED YOUR DOOR.
I'M STILL NOT USED TO
SLEEPING IN THE COUNTRY.
I HAD TO COME THROUGH
THE SPARE BATHROOM.
IF YOU'RE NERVOUS,
I'LL LOCK THE BATHROOM DOOR.
NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.
IF ANYTHING HAPPENED
DURING THE NIGH
WE WOULDN'T WAN
TO FUMBLE IN THE DARK.
NO, WE WOULDN'T.
OH!
I SAW YOU THROUGH THE DOOR
IN COURT THIS MORNING.
YOU LOOKED
EVER SO HANDSOME.
YOU PROBABLY SAW
MY BEST SIDE.
YOU SPOKE BEAUTIFUL.
JUST LIKE NIGEL HAVERS.
I'VE OFTEN
BEEN TOLD THAT.
WILL YOU GIVE ME
ELECTROCUTION LESSONS?
I THINK YOU SOUND
VERY NICE AS YOU ARE.
I THINK YOU'RE LOVELY.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
ARE YOU GOING
TO PUT THE LIGHT OUT?
WHEN I'VE FINISHED THINKING.
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )