Arrested Development s01e03 Episode Script

Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.
It's Arrested Development.
It was Sunday morning, and Michael was making cornballs.
A Bluth family favorite since George Sr.
unsuccessfully tried to market the device in the mid-'70s.
Time to pull out the basket and we dig into some hot - Son of a bitch! - Oh, look what you did! - You plopped it! - I'll plop you! It was a ritual Michael shared with his son before their weekly bike ride to Balboa Island.
Be careful! Don't touch that.
Never touch that.
I'm looking forward to our ride today.
We better go extra hard to work off these cornballs.
Or, you could not eat the cornballs and let your kid lead his own life.
Please.
He loves this.
Am I right? Actually, uh, I can't really go today.
- How's that? - My bike needs a tune-up or something.
Let's not blame the bike, okay? It's the poor carpenter that blames his shoddy tools for the Ow! Christ! - That stupid cornballing piece of - You okay? - So I'm gonna go, okay? - Yeah, yeah.
It's fine.
It's good.
That's okay.
Have fun.
- Getting too old for his daddy? - No.
He'll be fine.
And I would buy him a faster bike if we weren't trying to save every - Did you go shopping? - Oh, yeah.
Don't worry about it.
- Excuse me.
- I paid for it myself.
- With what? - Company credit card.
- You're returning that.
- But - Get a job.
- Michael.
Hey, the Cornballer.
I thought these things were only legal in Mexico.
In fact, the Cornballer wasn't legal anywhere.
But George Sr.
continued to market it there successfully.
- Muy delicioso.
- Es verdad.
- Where'd you come from? - I had another big fight with Marta.
Gob had been having an on-again, off-again relationship with Marta, a Spanish-language soap opera star.
It looks like I'm going to be staying here for a while.
No, it doesn't.
It doesn't look like that.
I've got a full house here, Gob.
He's just in a bad mood, Gob, because his son feels suffocated by him.
- Suffocated? Really? - Yes, Michael.
He's a teenager.
He's probably got a little girlfriend, and, well, let's face it - you are overbearing.
- Maybe I should be more like you when it comes to parenting.
No borders.
No limits.
"Go ahead, touch the Cornballer.
You know best.
" Michael, if I could stick my pretty little nose in here for one second.
When I was a psychiatrist and this is before I became an actor - You're still not an actor.
- Lovely.
I saw a lot of this type of behavior and I think what you're experiencing is your son's very normal need to distance himself from his overbearing father.
Am I touching something? Hot! Hot, hot.
Hot.
- Be careful.
- Hot.
- You all right? - Hot.
Now, take my daughter, for example.
She lives her life and I get the pleasure of guessing what that might entail.
Now watch this.
Maeby, where are you off to on this glorious Sunday afternoon? - She won't tell me.
- I'm going to audition for a play.
Well, that time it didn't work.
What play? It's for high school.
You can't audition.
I was totally wrong.
She's reaching out to her actor daddy.
Does anyone have an ice pack? In truth, Maeby was reaching out to a boy named Steve Holt who was auditioning for the lead in the school play.
"I would kiss before I spoke.
" Maeby decided to audition as well Iooking for a chance to get closer to Steve.
And then we actually get to kiss, right? George Michael also chose to audition Iooking for a chance to get closer to his cousin Maeby.
"I would kiss before I spoke.
" Then there's a kiss, right? - Louder.
- And then there's a kiss, right? - Later, the cast list was posted.
- Steve Holt! - Steve Holt! - Stand-in for Steve Holt? Steve Holt! Michael went to get his son a new bike to keep him from slipping away while Michael's mother was giving up hope her son Buster would ever leave her side.
Zip me up.
Usually at this time of year Buster would return to his post-graduate studies.
But without the resources to afford it his summer vacation was extending into the fall.
Mom! Mom! And Lucille was beginning to resent it.
What? Hi, Mama, it's Linds.
It'll fly out on its own.
Why are you calling me? What do you need? Very nice, Mom.
I don't need anything.
My daughter needs some new school clothes.
Buster! - It's a bird.
- I know it's a bird.
I'm on the phone.
- It walked on my pillow.
- Look, I have a child that costs me money too, you know.
- Why can't you get a job? - What is it with this family and working? Michael just gave me the exact same lecture in front of everybody.
Everybody? Who's everybody? - Who's everybody? - You know, the kids, Gob, Tobias, everybody.
He didn't invite Buster.
Buster's his brother too.
What's wrong with Buster? And even as she asked the question, Lucille realized that perhaps it was time to let her own baby bird fly away.
- Why do I have to take him? - Because he's your brother.
You run around with everyone else, going on bike rides, making cornholes.
- Mom, listen - Everyone's laughing, riding and cornholing except Buster.
And I know he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he's sensitive, Michael and you could pretend to be interested in him.
Fine.
He can hang out, but he's going to work, okay? This is not going to be a day at the beach.
Th-That's cool.
Mom packed me a change of clothes.
So Buster stayed and Michael made him build the new bike.
- It's in the big box in my office.
Hey.
- Michael.
Gob, what are you doing here, and why are you in a bathrobe? What's he doing here? Why is he in his bathing suit? Mom dropped me off to spend time with Michael.
Spend time with Michael, or to serve her own menopausal needs? She's always got to wedge herself in the middle of us, so she can control everything.
Yeah.
Mom's awesome.
Maybe we should call her.
- So why are you in your robe? - I camped out in the boardroom last night.
What with you kicking me out of your house there are few places left that you have that I can stay.
Hmm.
Well, you can't stay here either.
Let me ask you something.
Is this a business decision, or is it personal? 'Cause if it's business, I'll go away happily.
But if it's personal, I'll go away.
But I won't be happy.
It's personal.
I am so sorry.
Michael's son, meanwhile, was waiting with his cousin for first rehearsal.
- I'm surprised you tried out for this.
- Yeah.
I just love the theater.
That's great.
I'm just doing it to kiss Steve Holt.
Well, actually, I think I'm gonna quit.
Yeah, theater's dead.
But, he's always going to be at football practice, so I'm gonna have to kiss the stand-in.
But, no.
No.
I love the theater and I gave my word, so I'm back in.
Tobias, meanwhile, stopped by the school.
- I know why you're doing this.
- Dad.
What are you doing here? Go away.
Yes, because the director might be here soon, right? Oops.
Too late.
He's already here.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to the theater.
I am Dr.
Tobias Fünke and I will be your new director.
Oh, my God.
Tobias had gotten the directing job by meeting with the school principal.
And you tell me you've got some P.
E.
teacher directing? That just makes me wanna puke all over your head, sir.
Give me a chance to tell the Bard's tale and I give you my word on humble knee whence you shall not say it wasn't e'er to be.
- Jerry, you cool with this? - Sure.
Let the little fruit do it.
- Huzzah! - As the days went by Buster's apprenticeship was proving more trying than Michael had anticipated.
We're excited.
We want your business.
And, uh, everybody at the Bluth Company Here I go again.
Andjust when he could take no more And we're back on track.
And we're focused.
And, Buster you can't do that in the snack room, pal? Mom told me to stay away from microwaves.
And besides, this is gonna be the most bitchingly fast bike in all of Orange County.
- Really? - Your son is gonna love it.
Well, I guess 3:40 is as good a time as any to call it a day.
So Michael left for the high school hoping to reconnect with his son while Tobias's attempt to reconnect with his daughter hit a snag.
Stop! Stop it.
It's all wrong.
- But we were just about to do the kiss - Kiss.
I know.
It doesn't work.
Look, you are playing adults with fully Pick that up, please.
With fully formed libidos not two young men playing grab-ass in the shower.
Would you hold the work, please? Oh, Michael.
- Dad, wh - So, you're in a play, huh? I'm not.
- I quit.
- Maeby.
- Why didn't you tell me? - It's not really important.
- I'm just a stand-in.
- And you're ashamed? Well, this should cheer you up.
Hmm? I left work early.
I thought maybe we'd go for a ride today.
- No, I can't go on a bike ride right now.
- Why, because of the play? - You're just a stand-in.
- No, no.
It's not the play.
It's just You know, I can't go on a million bike rides whenever you want me to.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Hey, is it about a girl? - No! It's not.
Just drop it, Dad.
- You can tell me.
What, is Lindsay right? Am I really suffocating him? Well, they're different people every day, teenagers.
Hormones all ablaze.
Except, of course, when they're onstage when I need it.
No, he said it wasn't about a girl.
Maybe he really is pulling away.
Not a girl? Of course.
Methinks a Cupid I shall play.
Mm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Tobias came up with a new plan for the play - and a way to connect to George Michael.
- I know why you're in the play.
- What? - Watch this.
Okay, everybody.
Well, we've lost a leading lady but did you know in Shakespeare's day that the women's roles were played by men? Fancy that.
Hmm.
George Michael, you know Steven's lines, yes? - Sort of.
- Fine.
Then you are my Benedict.
- And Steven Holt Where is Steven Holt? - Steve Holt! Yes.
Get ready for the acting challenge of your sweet young life, fair lady.
For you are my Beatrice.
Beatrice! Let's take it from "Peace, I will stop thy mouth.
" Now we'll see if some sparks fly.
As George Michael contemplated kissing his rival Michael sought his father's advice.
- You think you never hurt me? - What are you talking about? When have I ever rebelled? - I never see you anymore, Michael.
- You're in prison.
And I was here yesterday.
Oh, yeah.
That's-That's I'm sorry.
I couldn't break away from the poker game.
Capital "G" was down to his boxers.
- Strip poker? - Yeah, and it's tough.
We can really only play about two hands.
Listen Let him go.
Let your son go.
I can't do that, Dad.
He needs me.
Michael, you don't want to make the same mistake your mom made with Buster.
- Yeah, boy.
What happened there? - I really don't know.
Maybe it was the 11 months he spent in the womb.
The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus, but he was our miracle baby, you know? And l-I was just too burned out on raising you guys to care.
So, he turned out a little, uh, soft.
A little doughy.
I don't know.
Maybe-Maybe it was my fault.
Maybe I just ignored the guy.
Wow.
We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we? Yeah, I gotta let my son go.
Lindsay, meanwhile, still had the dress - and she was starting to get some positive reactions to it.
- Look at you.
I am.
So she decided to hide it in the attic crawl space.
Are you crazy? I'm a magician.
I make my living with my hands.
- And if I'm going to be staying here - Staying here? What, did that Mexican throw you out? She's not "that Mexican," Mom.
She's my Mexican.
And she's Colombian or something.
Anyway, it's over.
- You've got three days.
- Hey.
If I can't find a horny immigrant by then, I don't deserve to stay here.
Oh! Back at the model home, Michael was adjusting to the absence ofhis son, by enjoying the company ofhis brother.
You know, I'm in pretty good shape.
You could be eating my dust all day, slowpoke.
And Buster was starting to give as good as he got.
Yeah.
And you might be eating Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that.
Hey, Tobias.
How's my son doing? Oh, well, he didn't want to rehearse today but I do think I have a handle on what he's going through.
I wish I could say the same for Steve Holt.
I don't know what the hell her problem is.
- Her? - Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
I say that because I switched the parts, but, it's still off.
Perhaps if she dressed as a woman.
- She? - Oh, for the love of God.
She's playing a woman.
Look who's back.
- I'm exhausted.
- Neiman's again, huh? I've been going to the thrift store, but I'm going to find a way to keep that dress.
Things didn't work out with Mom.
It was utterly macabre.
Zip me up.
She always makes everything about her.
She's the last person I ever want to need something from.
Well, she likes to be needed, just as long as it doesn't cost her anything.
It's like she gets off on being withholding.
- Whoa.
Buster.
- Look who's got something to say.
I'm Mom, and I wanna shoot down everything you say so I feel good about myself.
Look who's ragging on the old lady.
- Hey, hey.
- Finally.
'Cause I'm an uptight Buster! You old horny slut! Well, no one's gonna top that.
And Tobias had found the perfect wardrobe for his leading man.
The red dress he discovered in the attic crawl space.
Assuming Michael had found and returned it - Lindsay called her mother, hoping to get money for a new one.
- What? - Hi, Mama.
It's Linds.
- Get a job.
Look.
Just hear me out.
It's Maeby's dress.
It was stolen from her locker.
They beat her up, and, uh, took all her clothes.
- Send her over.
I'll take her shopping.
- Buster was right.
You get off on being withholding, don't you? - Buster said that? - That's right.
- My Buster? - Not anymore, apparently.
While Lucille was missing her youngest son - Michael was finally enjoying his company.
- Zip me up.
And while Buster did build a faster bike - Whoo! - he neglected to build the brakes.
I'm flying! Buster? And George Michael had news for Maeby.
So, I quit the play.
I don't really like plays.
Also, I think your dad thinks I'm gay.
- Oh.
He thinks everyone's gay.
- Do you wanna get a soda? I can't.
I'm actually back in the play.
We're in the middle of dress rehearsal now.
- But I thought Steve had your part.
- Steve did have Maeby's part.
And Tobias had given Maeby a new part.
So you want me to play the man? Yes.
Don't you see? l-I cast the parts all wrong.
It was Daddy's fault.
And I still get to kiss Steve, right? It's gonna be a huge disaster.
I'll get you tickets.
And Michael tried to salvage what was left of the day - with what was left ofhis brother.
- I'm a little shaky, but - but we're here to work.
- Michael.
- but we're here to work.
- Michael.
- Mom.
- What are you doing here? Oh.
Hello, Buster.
Here's a candy bar.
- Oh - No.
I'm withholding it.
Look at me getting off.
How dare you turn Buster against me.
- What are you talking about? - I know what you've all been saying.
But I'm not going to let you destroy my relationship with my son just because you don't have one with yours right now.
Wait a minute.
Me and my son are fine and that is not what this is.
Buster is a grown man.
He can make his own decisions.
- Why don't you ask Buster what he wants.
- Michael.
I wanna go with Mom.
- You said that she shoots you down.
- I was trying to fit in.
You were flying today, buddy.
Yes, I was flying but a little too close to the sun.
You let him go in the sun? Get in the backseat.
I'll be right out.
Front seat, Mom.
I sit in the front seat now.
Mmm? Let me tell you something, Michael.
You have to fight for your family.
If you were smart, you'd grab your son before he slips any further away.
Well, I disagree, Mom.
I'm not gonna control George Michael.
I'm gonna let him decide for himself what's best.
Mm-hmm.
Well, you better hope that little bird decides to fly back into your house.
Because they usually don't.
So, uh, can we go now? Yeah.
And George Michael watched as Maeby shared the kiss that should've been his with a boy he almost had to kiss.
But, to Maeby's surprise, she did not enjoy kissing Steve Holt.
You smell like my mom.
Michael returned to the model home to find his son in the kitchen.
- You're home.
- Yeah.
I was waiting for you.
- I thought we could make some of these.
- Sure.
I'm sorry about what I said at the school.
It was out of line.
I shouldn't have poked my nose into your life.
- My life? - I know that you're growing up.
Yeah, but, Dad, you're, like, the most important part of my life.
That's a little cornball.
- I don't mind.
- I don't mind either, buddy.
- Watch your - Mother of God! Oh! Every damn time! Oh! This is a big one.
Oh! On the next Arrested Development.
Tobias gets a review ofhis Shakespeare play.
I didn't get into this business to please sophomore Tracy Schwarzman, so onward and upward! On Why, Tracy? Why? And Buster is back where he belongs.
- Mom! - What is it? I can't get down.