Asylum (2015) s01e03 Episode Script
Public Relations
All right, OK.
We've got some old bills in here.
Paid on time, but they should really be in the green bin.
OK, headline.
Dan Hern's ex doesn't recycle.
Yeah, that's no good.
OK.
Um, all right, we have ~ Oi! What are you doing? ~ It's not what you think! I'm a journalist! ~ How does that make it better? ~ I don't know.
Are you the one who's been phoning me and hanging up? I was trying to get into your voicemail! You kept answering! You're the scum of the earth, you lot! You're going through my bins! Just tell me about Dan Hern! You were together, yeah? Just give me something, anything, I need this.
You're telling me you've come to my house, in the middle of the night, ~ because you want to print shit about Dan Hern? ~ Yeah.
Come on in.
I'll make you a cuppa.
There.
Done.
Draft 29 of my manifesto.
Everything that I want to say about freedom, information, life.
It took a bit of editing, but I've finally got it down to 1,100 pages, plus appendices.
Actually, do I really need that Latin joke on page 79? No, it's perfect.
I'm finally going to get the respect I deserve! ~ Am I in it? ~ No.
Are there any celebrities in it? Well, that depends if you call a certain Mr Noam Chomsky a celebrity? ~ Who is Noam Chomsky? ~ Then no.
Done.
E-mailed to every newspaper in the country.
Now we wait for the headlines to come rolling in.
Dan! You made the papers! Excellent.
"Freedom-hating terrorist Dan Hern once bought a used "DVD for a girlfriend's birthday, claiming, 'Why not? "'It's the same film either way.
'" This is bad.
Daniel! This is just trivia! This isn't about my manifesto! Says here you're going bald.
What, it says what? They did a cartoon, it says, it says that your hair is leaking! Which is funny, because, well, you know, you are a leaker, and your hair is leaving your head! I've had this hairline since I was ten! OK? It doesn't count as balding if it's never even grown there.
Why, why focus on my hair? I'm a good man, my manifesto had some great ideas, why they can't they print a story about that? "Nice Man Has Good Ideas.
" That's, that's a great headline! This is the press, isn't it? You know, try and do something great, they'll kick you with something trivial.
Try and change the world, and they'll print a story about how you once bought some battery-farmed eggs by accident.
Dan, you shouldn't do that.
I know! ~ Those poor chickens.
~ I said it was an accident! Dan, if there was a law against slander, I'd help.
~ But there isn't.
~ There is ~ You need a good PR.
~ I can't afford a PR.
I'll organise a press conference.
You can tell the world about your manifesto, face to face.
This works for both of us, Dan! You get a PR, I get paid twice.
Cos, just between us, I'm not getting much law work any more.
Which I assume is due to being tainted by your toxic brand.
Yeah.
That'll probably it, yeah.
And at the front, The Sun, The Mirror, Mail and Times.
I never thought I'd say this, but this is actually competent.
~ Flattery will get you everywhere.
~ How did you do it? Let's say I've got my ways.
Right, PR lesson two.
~ Put this on.
~ It's a poppy.
You don't hate Our Boys, do you? ~ It's March.
~ Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.
I forgot Our Boys only fought and died in November.
I forgot they weren't heroes the rest of the year.
~ I should have some choice.
~ Did Our Boys get a choice, Dan? Over whether they fought and died? It's a bit more complex than that, isn't it? Wear it or you're a traitor! OK! OK.
Can I go in now? Oh, wait! Pop yourself in the chair.
~ I don't want to ask.
But, um, obviously I'm going to.
~ OK.
When I said, "I have my ways," I meant my way of getting them here was by saying you're dying.
It's a great way to get sympathy.
It worked for that guy.
The Libyan guy.
Scottish prison, said he had cancer so they let him go.
~ The Lockerbie bomber?! ~ Yeah.
You're suggesting I take PR advice from the Lockerbie bomber? Trust me, Dan.
If I know anything about PR, it's that the tabloids never pick on the weak and disabled.
Get in the chair! Listen, Lorna, there is no way on this earth that I am getting in that chair and feigning serious illness to curry sympathy with a wolf pack of blood-sucking journalists.
I've got principles.
OK, I've edited the algorithms so that you are a 100% match with everyone.
Amazing.
Amazing.
I am going to get so much action out of this.
So instead of going to the press conference, you're using the world's greatest hacker to lie to women for you? Still, it's something to do.
Please, continue.
My name is Daniel Hern, and I am dying.
Please have mercy because of how weak and pathetic I am, cough, cough.
I'm like a baby or an old person.
Or a dog that's been run over but it's still alive, just.
I'm not reading this.
As you can see, he barely has energy to speak.
Dan will now be taking questions.
Yes, you.
Mimi Kempton-Stewart, Daily Express.
You're saying living in an embassy might cause cancer? ~ Daniel doesn't have cancer.
~ But is there a link? ~ I didn't say that.
~ We'd love there to be a link.
Fine, whatever.
Yes, you.
James Smither, Mail.
Mr Hern, how do you respond to your ex-girlfriend's allegations that you used to steal toilet rolls from GCHQ instead of buying your own? Not relevant, is it? no-one cares! ~ Well, the taxpayer cares, Mr Hern.
~ Next question! Next question.
Does Dan Hern have a comment on El Rico's bid for the 2026 World Cup? ~ Daniel? ~ Yeah, yeah, actually I have got a question.
Can we talk about something that's not unutterably trivial? I just released the greatest work of political thought for a generation, and not one of you said a word! I'm a martyr to my cause.
Every day here is literally torture! And none of you care.
What?! These are all about how I'm apparently being tortured! Yeah.
Your mistake there was using the word torture.
It made them think of torture.
The Guardian are like, "He's being tortured by foreigners.
" The Mail are like, "He's being tortured by FOREIGNERS.
" Nothing about my manifesto! Oh, hey! This one's good! "Staying indoors could cause cancer, says top lawyer.
" That's going straight on the business cards.
~ It doesn't even mention me! ~ Oh, I see, Daniel.
It's like that, is it? The old green-eyed monster.
Jealous because I'm in the paper and you aren't.
It's sad, really.
I can't believe they'd torture Dan! You are with me 23 and a half hours a day! When have you ever seen them torturing me? It says tortured.
Castillo.
Oh, shit! Eva Mercedes is the Foreign Minister.
The eyes and ears of the President.
She is also the human incarnation of Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, master of the legions of hell.
Senora Foreign Minister! May I say what an honour it is to Ambassador Castillo! Torturer-in-Chief! Did you think this would help our World Cup bid? Senor Hern.
Senor Backslash.
Here is the situation.
El Rico has bid for every major sports event for the past 40 years.
This year, we are bidding again for the World Cup.
But Canada think they can steal it from us, with their already built stadiums and hotels and transport network.
~ You don't even have stadiums? ~ We have this.
Oh.
I see, you've drawn a stadium.
Yeah.
Problem solved.
90,000 gleaming seats where now are just horrible slums.
Where will all the slum people go? They'll be so happy about the World Cup, they won't care about houses.
But this means we do need you to apologise, Senor Hern.
To put our World Cup hopes back on track.
I didn't say anything! I've got nothing to apologise for! I'm not going to I'm not going to humiliate myself again in front of the world, just so you can host some sportsball tournament.
Ha-ha! "Sportsball.
" So witty.
Shut up! I'm not doing it.
I have a saying - "Never apologise, never explain.
" So, I'm sorry, but that's why it's not going to happen.
You don't really have a choice.
Or what? You're going to torture me into saying I'm not being tortured? You're going to feed me shit until I tell you it's lobster? Daniel Hern is not some dancing monkey! He's not! And I used to have a dancing monkey in my mansion.
But then, one day, he just stopped dancing.
It was so sad.
Yeah! That! Senor Backslash.
Wait.
It is Ludo, si? ~ Yes.
~ Sit.
Please.
I'm told you know all about computers.
You hacked the Pentagon? Well, I was looking for UFOs, but all I found was photos of Mr Reagan and Lady Thatcher doing special cuddles.
It's just, right now, Canada are our main rival for this World Cup bid.
And they beat us in almost every category.
There is only thing they don't beat us at.
Deaths from bear attacks.
Bear attacks? Every day in Canada, more than 2,000 Canadians are killed in bear attacks.
Bear attacks? It's a bigger killer of Canadians than heart disease and hockey riots combined.
~ Is that really true? ~ No.
But we want you to rig Googly so that when people googly Canada, they get bear attacks.
Bear attacks? We're playing to our strengths.
It sounds a lot like a fib.
I'm not asking for me, Ludo.
I'm asking for the children of El Rico.
They've never seen their heroes at a World Cup.
Please, Ludo, do what our footballers cannot.
Get us into an international soccer tournament! I can use my talents to be a hero to children! Just like Spider-Man! Yeah.
If Spider-Man used his powers to rig votes for world football competitions.
Which he wouldn't, as his powers are being a spider.
I wonder what the younger Ludo would say if he could see me now? "I'm so impressed, Old Ludo!" Thank you, Young Ludo! "Oh, great phone!" Thanks, Young Ludo! It contains technologies not yet available in the times in which you live.
"Do you have any advice for me, Old Ludo?" Yes, Young Ludo At which point did you completely lose track of everything there? ~ Almost straightaway.
~ Why don't people care? Do they find it boring? Dan, might I make a suggestion? I'm not calling it a "Danifesto"! Have you thought more about celebrities? I know Ariana Grande is looking for a freedom fighter to do a project with.
No, no, no, Ludo.
This manifesto stands on its own.
The only models I need are the economic models on pages 343 to 411, linking declining American economic fortunes with increased surveillance activity.
Ariana's not a model, she's a singer.
I don't really care.
See.
Sit! OK, Daniel.
You know, Mercedes is really busting my balls here.
What is it that you want to make the apology? Did I have to be dragged here? Come on, Dan.
You're English.
You've already won a World Cup.
You don't know what it's like to have a team that never wins.
El Rico once gave a state funeral to a guy, all he ever did was win a corner! And that was a deflection.
Well, OK, assuming my dignity is for sale, what could you do for me? We are prepared to make a very generous offer.
Two tickets to Cirque du Soleil.
It's really good.
I'm trapped in this embassy by an international arrest warrant.
OK.
Fine.
What about this? I've already seen that.
No, no, no, look! "The Dan Hern Rico City Stadium".
A way of showing our appreciation.
We can get you as many tickets as you like.
You won't still be here in 2026.
The British government will definitely be bored of you by then probably.
Let me be clear.
I HATE football.
If I had my way, I'd take all the money that we spend on football and I'd put it into something useful.
Like space exploration.
There are planets out there we still haven't analysed bits of rock from! When I think football, I think freezing school showers, I think tanked-up estate agents in sweatshop shirts yelling about vindaloo and I think about how my leaks were second story on News At Ten because Wayne Ronaldo got himself a haircut.
So, no.
I shall not be apologising to anyone.
Free Dan Hearn! So if you search for Canada, the third result is bear attacks.
The Wikipedia page for Canada has a bear attacks controversy bit, and these are the autocomplete suggestions.
Ludo, this is amazing.
It's genius.
You are a genius! Thanks, Mum! I mean, thanks, nice lady.
But, Ludo, I'm afraid that Canada is no longer the problem.
The protesters are back outside.
They think we are torturing your friend.
We want you to change the conversation.
Make something that, when people mention your friend online, it says, "Hey! Why are we talking so much about one man "when there are so many bear deaths in Canada?" But it's good that people are talking about Dan! He is a hero! I don't want to do this any more.
Free Dan Hern! The atmosphere here is building as people come together for one reason.
That reason? Dan Hern, who's begging and pleading with his El Rican keepers to stop torturing him.
No comment! No comment.
Move! Thank you, trying to get through.
Thank you so much.
The celebrities are jumping on board.
They want to help! God, I hate celebrities.
They did a charity single, Dan.
Half a million already saw it.
~ How many people? ~ Half a million, Dan! It's at number two in the charts! How? What? Not that I care, of course.
You know.
Numbers don't matter.
~ The message matters.
~ It's a funny thing.
Ringo heard about the torture and got in touch, he wanted to talk to you, I said no, of course, because you hate celebrities, you always said.
What, you fobbed off Ringo?! Which is Yeah, that's fine.
He'd be distracting.
So, he said he wanted to do a single, he got Sir Paul, the Gallaghers, Morrissey, Adele.
But then Bono heard someone was doing something for charity, wasn't to be upstaged, he got Coldplay, Kate Bush, but then they thought, "Hey, it's all the same cause," so they came together and became "Dan Aid", isn't it clever? Well, like I said, the only thing that matters to me is being known for my thoughts.
Oh! And Newsnight called.
But they only wanted to talk about the single.
I said, "No, if it's not his manifesto, he is not interested.
" Newsnight? Well, wait, wait! Hang on, let's not be hasty.
No, Dan, you were right.
People have to take you seriously.
Yeah, you know, I hate celebrities, and I wish there was some way to get this horrible song I would never have agreed to offline, but there probably isn't, so, you know, let's not bother trying.
We should probably just see if it stays at number two, or goes lower.
Or higher, even.
~ Number one.
That'd be awful.
~ Oh, my gosh.
I wanted to be a hero.
But not like this.
She's making me do things I don't want to.
What would the Young Ludo say if he could see me now? "I hate you, Old Ludo! I never want to be like you! "I'm quitting computers for ever! I'm going to become a fireman!" Oh, no! Then I would never exist! I'd vanish like in Back To The Future! I'm fading away! You know, it's great to finally be a hero again.
Maybe even a bit of a celebrity in my own right.
You said you hated celebrities.
You said they were all vapid, opinionless nobodies.
Yeah, I mean, I thought that at first.
But maybe being a celebrity is the best way to reach people.
Like Russell.
You know, Russell Brand? Did films to get people's attention, now everyone listens to him on a whole range of really serious issues.
You called him "a used condom with hair".
Well, I like him now, OK? I assure you, the only torture going on in here is the cooking! No, you're right, this is no laughing matter, Mr Secretary-General.
I ordered chorizo.
Not pepperoni, not salami, chorizo.
Of course I now the difference.
Do you know who you're talking to? I'm a senior diplomat! Put Papa John on the phone at once! Our problem is not getting better, it is getting worse.
It's time to unleash the nuclear option.
Uh-oh.
Ludo! Hi! Come out of there.
I think I'd prefer to stay in here.
We have heard a rumour that an important FIFA official has certain interests.
Certain interests he might want to keep private.
If you know what I mean? Yes, I know what you mean.
I mean, he like piss orgies with prostitutes in blackface.
I didn't know what you mean.
Wait, he is in blackface or the ladies in blackface? Everyone.
Everyone's in blackface.
There's a lot of blackface.
Anyway, if we were to receive evidence of this, then he might really start wanting to vote for the El Rico bid.
You want me to blackface-mail him? Ludo! Blackface-mail is such an ugly word.
In fact, it's not really a word.
No, just get us into his iCloud and then we will see if he has any photographs.
This is too far! It is unethical.
Have you not heard of the hackers' code? All hackers are equal, never use Internet Explorer, stealing TV shows is completely fine, and never leak naked pictures of people who aren't actors! But it's just a few keystrokes for a genius like you, Ludo.
Come on, just one more time? Actually, several more times, until we get enough votes for a majority.
No, I won't, I won't do it! Dan Hern taught me to stand up for my principles.
This is all you get from Ludo Backslash.
Free Dan Hearn! Well, Senor Hern.
You win.
I do? We cannot force you to do an apology.
We cannot remove you.
We cannot do anything that might seem like torture.
Ringo Starr would be on us in a second.
Ludo, though, he has outgrown his usefulness to us.
Maybe it's to time to think about moving him on? You mean What? No, no, no.
He'd go to prison! He wouldn't last ten minutes, you know? He still thinks his grandad went to live on a farm with all the other grandads! They'd eat him alive! But it's not me doing this, is it, Senor Hern? It's you.
You have until tomorrow.
It's OK, Dan.
I've decided.
I will go to prison for you.
Sure that's what you want to do? It's the only way to be a true hero.
By standing up for what's right.
Being a hero takes many forms, Ludo.
There's the man writing a manifesto that changes the world, or it can be the man who goes to prison to stop the first man apologising for something he didn't even really say.
In a way, Ludo, you're almost as much of a hero as me.
And I'll be fine.
I've seen all the prison movies! On the first day, I'll go up to the biggest man there, and punch him right in the face! That's the way to make them respect you.
Well, friend.
This is goodbye.
You'll send on my Xbox? Don't think you can have Xboxes in prison.
PlayStation, then? ~ Mega Drive? ~ It's not allowed.
Game Boy? This is what you want? Ludo gone, just to avoid apologising? ~ It's a matter of principle.
~ What principle? The principal that says I shouldn't have to do anything I don't want to! He won't survive in prison! He says he'll be fine, right? And I trust him.
I knew you were a coward.
Too scared to make one tiny apology in front of a crowd and a camera crew.
Are you really so vain? This, this has nothing to do with vanity! This is about something much more noble and important And did you say something about a camera crew? We want Dan! Hello! Thank you all for coming out.
Now, I'm here for two reasons.
One, to read from my manifesto.
But firstly, a quick apology, I was never actually tortured at all, I never even said I was, I was misquoted.
No, no.
Anyone who's saying that is lying.
Sorry, fans, yeah.
Sorry, celebrities.
Sorry, Bono.
But hopefully we can move past that, so without further ado "The Manifesto of Daniel Hern.
Volume 1, Book 1, Chapter 1.
" OK, you're leaving.
At least he made the apology.
Did you see it? Our sponsors hate torture, yes.
But you know what else they hate? They hate whiny freedom fighters with nonsense manifestos! It's over.
~ We'll have to spend the stadium money on a hospital! ~ No! Nobody remembers the ministers who build hospitals.
War and sports, that's all anyone cares about.
I ought to expel the pair of them! Do it! ButI will not.
Because then they would simply go to prison, or just die.
But here Here, I have them.
Under my control.
And I can turn their every waking moment into torment.
I could help with that.
I can't believe they took your bed.
Well, no.
No, they took your bed.
This is really my bed.
No.
It's my bed.
I had bottom bunk.
It is touching the ground.
Well, actually no, this is the highest bed there is, therefore it's top by default.
Also, I was here first, so if there's one bed, it's mine.
~ Pssst.
~ What? Do you think we'll ever leave here? Well, I don't know.
~ God, I don't know.
~ I hope not.
I hope we stay here for ever.
My aunt Inga once had a saying.
She said, "Life is nothing but a constant stream of liquid shit "and if you can wring any happiness from it at all, "you must cling onto it with both hands as hard as you can.
" And I'm happy, aren't you? Dan? Dan? Dan?
We've got some old bills in here.
Paid on time, but they should really be in the green bin.
OK, headline.
Dan Hern's ex doesn't recycle.
Yeah, that's no good.
OK.
Um, all right, we have ~ Oi! What are you doing? ~ It's not what you think! I'm a journalist! ~ How does that make it better? ~ I don't know.
Are you the one who's been phoning me and hanging up? I was trying to get into your voicemail! You kept answering! You're the scum of the earth, you lot! You're going through my bins! Just tell me about Dan Hern! You were together, yeah? Just give me something, anything, I need this.
You're telling me you've come to my house, in the middle of the night, ~ because you want to print shit about Dan Hern? ~ Yeah.
Come on in.
I'll make you a cuppa.
There.
Done.
Draft 29 of my manifesto.
Everything that I want to say about freedom, information, life.
It took a bit of editing, but I've finally got it down to 1,100 pages, plus appendices.
Actually, do I really need that Latin joke on page 79? No, it's perfect.
I'm finally going to get the respect I deserve! ~ Am I in it? ~ No.
Are there any celebrities in it? Well, that depends if you call a certain Mr Noam Chomsky a celebrity? ~ Who is Noam Chomsky? ~ Then no.
Done.
E-mailed to every newspaper in the country.
Now we wait for the headlines to come rolling in.
Dan! You made the papers! Excellent.
"Freedom-hating terrorist Dan Hern once bought a used "DVD for a girlfriend's birthday, claiming, 'Why not? "'It's the same film either way.
'" This is bad.
Daniel! This is just trivia! This isn't about my manifesto! Says here you're going bald.
What, it says what? They did a cartoon, it says, it says that your hair is leaking! Which is funny, because, well, you know, you are a leaker, and your hair is leaving your head! I've had this hairline since I was ten! OK? It doesn't count as balding if it's never even grown there.
Why, why focus on my hair? I'm a good man, my manifesto had some great ideas, why they can't they print a story about that? "Nice Man Has Good Ideas.
" That's, that's a great headline! This is the press, isn't it? You know, try and do something great, they'll kick you with something trivial.
Try and change the world, and they'll print a story about how you once bought some battery-farmed eggs by accident.
Dan, you shouldn't do that.
I know! ~ Those poor chickens.
~ I said it was an accident! Dan, if there was a law against slander, I'd help.
~ But there isn't.
~ There is ~ You need a good PR.
~ I can't afford a PR.
I'll organise a press conference.
You can tell the world about your manifesto, face to face.
This works for both of us, Dan! You get a PR, I get paid twice.
Cos, just between us, I'm not getting much law work any more.
Which I assume is due to being tainted by your toxic brand.
Yeah.
That'll probably it, yeah.
And at the front, The Sun, The Mirror, Mail and Times.
I never thought I'd say this, but this is actually competent.
~ Flattery will get you everywhere.
~ How did you do it? Let's say I've got my ways.
Right, PR lesson two.
~ Put this on.
~ It's a poppy.
You don't hate Our Boys, do you? ~ It's March.
~ Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.
I forgot Our Boys only fought and died in November.
I forgot they weren't heroes the rest of the year.
~ I should have some choice.
~ Did Our Boys get a choice, Dan? Over whether they fought and died? It's a bit more complex than that, isn't it? Wear it or you're a traitor! OK! OK.
Can I go in now? Oh, wait! Pop yourself in the chair.
~ I don't want to ask.
But, um, obviously I'm going to.
~ OK.
When I said, "I have my ways," I meant my way of getting them here was by saying you're dying.
It's a great way to get sympathy.
It worked for that guy.
The Libyan guy.
Scottish prison, said he had cancer so they let him go.
~ The Lockerbie bomber?! ~ Yeah.
You're suggesting I take PR advice from the Lockerbie bomber? Trust me, Dan.
If I know anything about PR, it's that the tabloids never pick on the weak and disabled.
Get in the chair! Listen, Lorna, there is no way on this earth that I am getting in that chair and feigning serious illness to curry sympathy with a wolf pack of blood-sucking journalists.
I've got principles.
OK, I've edited the algorithms so that you are a 100% match with everyone.
Amazing.
Amazing.
I am going to get so much action out of this.
So instead of going to the press conference, you're using the world's greatest hacker to lie to women for you? Still, it's something to do.
Please, continue.
My name is Daniel Hern, and I am dying.
Please have mercy because of how weak and pathetic I am, cough, cough.
I'm like a baby or an old person.
Or a dog that's been run over but it's still alive, just.
I'm not reading this.
As you can see, he barely has energy to speak.
Dan will now be taking questions.
Yes, you.
Mimi Kempton-Stewart, Daily Express.
You're saying living in an embassy might cause cancer? ~ Daniel doesn't have cancer.
~ But is there a link? ~ I didn't say that.
~ We'd love there to be a link.
Fine, whatever.
Yes, you.
James Smither, Mail.
Mr Hern, how do you respond to your ex-girlfriend's allegations that you used to steal toilet rolls from GCHQ instead of buying your own? Not relevant, is it? no-one cares! ~ Well, the taxpayer cares, Mr Hern.
~ Next question! Next question.
Does Dan Hern have a comment on El Rico's bid for the 2026 World Cup? ~ Daniel? ~ Yeah, yeah, actually I have got a question.
Can we talk about something that's not unutterably trivial? I just released the greatest work of political thought for a generation, and not one of you said a word! I'm a martyr to my cause.
Every day here is literally torture! And none of you care.
What?! These are all about how I'm apparently being tortured! Yeah.
Your mistake there was using the word torture.
It made them think of torture.
The Guardian are like, "He's being tortured by foreigners.
" The Mail are like, "He's being tortured by FOREIGNERS.
" Nothing about my manifesto! Oh, hey! This one's good! "Staying indoors could cause cancer, says top lawyer.
" That's going straight on the business cards.
~ It doesn't even mention me! ~ Oh, I see, Daniel.
It's like that, is it? The old green-eyed monster.
Jealous because I'm in the paper and you aren't.
It's sad, really.
I can't believe they'd torture Dan! You are with me 23 and a half hours a day! When have you ever seen them torturing me? It says tortured.
Castillo.
Oh, shit! Eva Mercedes is the Foreign Minister.
The eyes and ears of the President.
She is also the human incarnation of Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, master of the legions of hell.
Senora Foreign Minister! May I say what an honour it is to Ambassador Castillo! Torturer-in-Chief! Did you think this would help our World Cup bid? Senor Hern.
Senor Backslash.
Here is the situation.
El Rico has bid for every major sports event for the past 40 years.
This year, we are bidding again for the World Cup.
But Canada think they can steal it from us, with their already built stadiums and hotels and transport network.
~ You don't even have stadiums? ~ We have this.
Oh.
I see, you've drawn a stadium.
Yeah.
Problem solved.
90,000 gleaming seats where now are just horrible slums.
Where will all the slum people go? They'll be so happy about the World Cup, they won't care about houses.
But this means we do need you to apologise, Senor Hern.
To put our World Cup hopes back on track.
I didn't say anything! I've got nothing to apologise for! I'm not going to I'm not going to humiliate myself again in front of the world, just so you can host some sportsball tournament.
Ha-ha! "Sportsball.
" So witty.
Shut up! I'm not doing it.
I have a saying - "Never apologise, never explain.
" So, I'm sorry, but that's why it's not going to happen.
You don't really have a choice.
Or what? You're going to torture me into saying I'm not being tortured? You're going to feed me shit until I tell you it's lobster? Daniel Hern is not some dancing monkey! He's not! And I used to have a dancing monkey in my mansion.
But then, one day, he just stopped dancing.
It was so sad.
Yeah! That! Senor Backslash.
Wait.
It is Ludo, si? ~ Yes.
~ Sit.
Please.
I'm told you know all about computers.
You hacked the Pentagon? Well, I was looking for UFOs, but all I found was photos of Mr Reagan and Lady Thatcher doing special cuddles.
It's just, right now, Canada are our main rival for this World Cup bid.
And they beat us in almost every category.
There is only thing they don't beat us at.
Deaths from bear attacks.
Bear attacks? Every day in Canada, more than 2,000 Canadians are killed in bear attacks.
Bear attacks? It's a bigger killer of Canadians than heart disease and hockey riots combined.
~ Is that really true? ~ No.
But we want you to rig Googly so that when people googly Canada, they get bear attacks.
Bear attacks? We're playing to our strengths.
It sounds a lot like a fib.
I'm not asking for me, Ludo.
I'm asking for the children of El Rico.
They've never seen their heroes at a World Cup.
Please, Ludo, do what our footballers cannot.
Get us into an international soccer tournament! I can use my talents to be a hero to children! Just like Spider-Man! Yeah.
If Spider-Man used his powers to rig votes for world football competitions.
Which he wouldn't, as his powers are being a spider.
I wonder what the younger Ludo would say if he could see me now? "I'm so impressed, Old Ludo!" Thank you, Young Ludo! "Oh, great phone!" Thanks, Young Ludo! It contains technologies not yet available in the times in which you live.
"Do you have any advice for me, Old Ludo?" Yes, Young Ludo At which point did you completely lose track of everything there? ~ Almost straightaway.
~ Why don't people care? Do they find it boring? Dan, might I make a suggestion? I'm not calling it a "Danifesto"! Have you thought more about celebrities? I know Ariana Grande is looking for a freedom fighter to do a project with.
No, no, no, Ludo.
This manifesto stands on its own.
The only models I need are the economic models on pages 343 to 411, linking declining American economic fortunes with increased surveillance activity.
Ariana's not a model, she's a singer.
I don't really care.
See.
Sit! OK, Daniel.
You know, Mercedes is really busting my balls here.
What is it that you want to make the apology? Did I have to be dragged here? Come on, Dan.
You're English.
You've already won a World Cup.
You don't know what it's like to have a team that never wins.
El Rico once gave a state funeral to a guy, all he ever did was win a corner! And that was a deflection.
Well, OK, assuming my dignity is for sale, what could you do for me? We are prepared to make a very generous offer.
Two tickets to Cirque du Soleil.
It's really good.
I'm trapped in this embassy by an international arrest warrant.
OK.
Fine.
What about this? I've already seen that.
No, no, no, look! "The Dan Hern Rico City Stadium".
A way of showing our appreciation.
We can get you as many tickets as you like.
You won't still be here in 2026.
The British government will definitely be bored of you by then probably.
Let me be clear.
I HATE football.
If I had my way, I'd take all the money that we spend on football and I'd put it into something useful.
Like space exploration.
There are planets out there we still haven't analysed bits of rock from! When I think football, I think freezing school showers, I think tanked-up estate agents in sweatshop shirts yelling about vindaloo and I think about how my leaks were second story on News At Ten because Wayne Ronaldo got himself a haircut.
So, no.
I shall not be apologising to anyone.
Free Dan Hearn! So if you search for Canada, the third result is bear attacks.
The Wikipedia page for Canada has a bear attacks controversy bit, and these are the autocomplete suggestions.
Ludo, this is amazing.
It's genius.
You are a genius! Thanks, Mum! I mean, thanks, nice lady.
But, Ludo, I'm afraid that Canada is no longer the problem.
The protesters are back outside.
They think we are torturing your friend.
We want you to change the conversation.
Make something that, when people mention your friend online, it says, "Hey! Why are we talking so much about one man "when there are so many bear deaths in Canada?" But it's good that people are talking about Dan! He is a hero! I don't want to do this any more.
Free Dan Hern! The atmosphere here is building as people come together for one reason.
That reason? Dan Hern, who's begging and pleading with his El Rican keepers to stop torturing him.
No comment! No comment.
Move! Thank you, trying to get through.
Thank you so much.
The celebrities are jumping on board.
They want to help! God, I hate celebrities.
They did a charity single, Dan.
Half a million already saw it.
~ How many people? ~ Half a million, Dan! It's at number two in the charts! How? What? Not that I care, of course.
You know.
Numbers don't matter.
~ The message matters.
~ It's a funny thing.
Ringo heard about the torture and got in touch, he wanted to talk to you, I said no, of course, because you hate celebrities, you always said.
What, you fobbed off Ringo?! Which is Yeah, that's fine.
He'd be distracting.
So, he said he wanted to do a single, he got Sir Paul, the Gallaghers, Morrissey, Adele.
But then Bono heard someone was doing something for charity, wasn't to be upstaged, he got Coldplay, Kate Bush, but then they thought, "Hey, it's all the same cause," so they came together and became "Dan Aid", isn't it clever? Well, like I said, the only thing that matters to me is being known for my thoughts.
Oh! And Newsnight called.
But they only wanted to talk about the single.
I said, "No, if it's not his manifesto, he is not interested.
" Newsnight? Well, wait, wait! Hang on, let's not be hasty.
No, Dan, you were right.
People have to take you seriously.
Yeah, you know, I hate celebrities, and I wish there was some way to get this horrible song I would never have agreed to offline, but there probably isn't, so, you know, let's not bother trying.
We should probably just see if it stays at number two, or goes lower.
Or higher, even.
~ Number one.
That'd be awful.
~ Oh, my gosh.
I wanted to be a hero.
But not like this.
She's making me do things I don't want to.
What would the Young Ludo say if he could see me now? "I hate you, Old Ludo! I never want to be like you! "I'm quitting computers for ever! I'm going to become a fireman!" Oh, no! Then I would never exist! I'd vanish like in Back To The Future! I'm fading away! You know, it's great to finally be a hero again.
Maybe even a bit of a celebrity in my own right.
You said you hated celebrities.
You said they were all vapid, opinionless nobodies.
Yeah, I mean, I thought that at first.
But maybe being a celebrity is the best way to reach people.
Like Russell.
You know, Russell Brand? Did films to get people's attention, now everyone listens to him on a whole range of really serious issues.
You called him "a used condom with hair".
Well, I like him now, OK? I assure you, the only torture going on in here is the cooking! No, you're right, this is no laughing matter, Mr Secretary-General.
I ordered chorizo.
Not pepperoni, not salami, chorizo.
Of course I now the difference.
Do you know who you're talking to? I'm a senior diplomat! Put Papa John on the phone at once! Our problem is not getting better, it is getting worse.
It's time to unleash the nuclear option.
Uh-oh.
Ludo! Hi! Come out of there.
I think I'd prefer to stay in here.
We have heard a rumour that an important FIFA official has certain interests.
Certain interests he might want to keep private.
If you know what I mean? Yes, I know what you mean.
I mean, he like piss orgies with prostitutes in blackface.
I didn't know what you mean.
Wait, he is in blackface or the ladies in blackface? Everyone.
Everyone's in blackface.
There's a lot of blackface.
Anyway, if we were to receive evidence of this, then he might really start wanting to vote for the El Rico bid.
You want me to blackface-mail him? Ludo! Blackface-mail is such an ugly word.
In fact, it's not really a word.
No, just get us into his iCloud and then we will see if he has any photographs.
This is too far! It is unethical.
Have you not heard of the hackers' code? All hackers are equal, never use Internet Explorer, stealing TV shows is completely fine, and never leak naked pictures of people who aren't actors! But it's just a few keystrokes for a genius like you, Ludo.
Come on, just one more time? Actually, several more times, until we get enough votes for a majority.
No, I won't, I won't do it! Dan Hern taught me to stand up for my principles.
This is all you get from Ludo Backslash.
Free Dan Hearn! Well, Senor Hern.
You win.
I do? We cannot force you to do an apology.
We cannot remove you.
We cannot do anything that might seem like torture.
Ringo Starr would be on us in a second.
Ludo, though, he has outgrown his usefulness to us.
Maybe it's to time to think about moving him on? You mean What? No, no, no.
He'd go to prison! He wouldn't last ten minutes, you know? He still thinks his grandad went to live on a farm with all the other grandads! They'd eat him alive! But it's not me doing this, is it, Senor Hern? It's you.
You have until tomorrow.
It's OK, Dan.
I've decided.
I will go to prison for you.
Sure that's what you want to do? It's the only way to be a true hero.
By standing up for what's right.
Being a hero takes many forms, Ludo.
There's the man writing a manifesto that changes the world, or it can be the man who goes to prison to stop the first man apologising for something he didn't even really say.
In a way, Ludo, you're almost as much of a hero as me.
And I'll be fine.
I've seen all the prison movies! On the first day, I'll go up to the biggest man there, and punch him right in the face! That's the way to make them respect you.
Well, friend.
This is goodbye.
You'll send on my Xbox? Don't think you can have Xboxes in prison.
PlayStation, then? ~ Mega Drive? ~ It's not allowed.
Game Boy? This is what you want? Ludo gone, just to avoid apologising? ~ It's a matter of principle.
~ What principle? The principal that says I shouldn't have to do anything I don't want to! He won't survive in prison! He says he'll be fine, right? And I trust him.
I knew you were a coward.
Too scared to make one tiny apology in front of a crowd and a camera crew.
Are you really so vain? This, this has nothing to do with vanity! This is about something much more noble and important And did you say something about a camera crew? We want Dan! Hello! Thank you all for coming out.
Now, I'm here for two reasons.
One, to read from my manifesto.
But firstly, a quick apology, I was never actually tortured at all, I never even said I was, I was misquoted.
No, no.
Anyone who's saying that is lying.
Sorry, fans, yeah.
Sorry, celebrities.
Sorry, Bono.
But hopefully we can move past that, so without further ado "The Manifesto of Daniel Hern.
Volume 1, Book 1, Chapter 1.
" OK, you're leaving.
At least he made the apology.
Did you see it? Our sponsors hate torture, yes.
But you know what else they hate? They hate whiny freedom fighters with nonsense manifestos! It's over.
~ We'll have to spend the stadium money on a hospital! ~ No! Nobody remembers the ministers who build hospitals.
War and sports, that's all anyone cares about.
I ought to expel the pair of them! Do it! ButI will not.
Because then they would simply go to prison, or just die.
But here Here, I have them.
Under my control.
And I can turn their every waking moment into torment.
I could help with that.
I can't believe they took your bed.
Well, no.
No, they took your bed.
This is really my bed.
No.
It's my bed.
I had bottom bunk.
It is touching the ground.
Well, actually no, this is the highest bed there is, therefore it's top by default.
Also, I was here first, so if there's one bed, it's mine.
~ Pssst.
~ What? Do you think we'll ever leave here? Well, I don't know.
~ God, I don't know.
~ I hope not.
I hope we stay here for ever.
My aunt Inga once had a saying.
She said, "Life is nothing but a constant stream of liquid shit "and if you can wring any happiness from it at all, "you must cling onto it with both hands as hard as you can.
" And I'm happy, aren't you? Dan? Dan? Dan?