Aunty Donna's Big Ol' House of Fun (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Blair Buoyant, the clairvoyant.
Good evening, vulnerable, grieving widows.
My name is Blair Buoyant
and I, I am a clairvoyant.
I've got a dead person
in my head right now.
And they are calling out
someone whose name starts with an A.
Possibly an Aaron, or actually, no,
it is an Adam.
Pretty confident that there is an Adam
in the audience.
Adam, right there I reckon, Adam.
Adam.
Adam. Adam.
Adam. Adam.
You, sir. What's your name?
- Who, me?
- Yeah.
- Adam.
- I know.
Blair Buoyant,
he knew there was an Adam.
Now, Adam, we've never met before,
is that correct?
- Sure.
- No, sorry. That's a question.
- Have we met before?
- Whatever you reckon.
Adam, have we or have we not met before?
- No.
- Great.
- Don't wink.
Now, Adam,
have you lost somebody recently?
Yes. Recently, I lost my children
in a shopping center.
Well, I left them in a shopping center,
and then I fucked off to Disneyland
for three days.
Well, that's not exactly what I meant.
Has somebody passed over? Have they died?
Oh! Pretty sure my kids.
Adam, it was your grandpa.
How did you know?
Blair Buoyant,
he knew about your fucking grandpa.
Moving along, Adam, he's saying
you have a huge, stressful problem.
- Is that correct?
- I don't know.
Okay, Adam. He's telling me to tell you
you need to forget about that problem
and move on with your life, okay?
Because
- Okay, that's weird.
- Why?
It's just that my huge, stressful problem
is I'm bleeding out of my arsehole.
But if he reckons forget about it
and move on,
I'll buy a cork and I'll…
plug up my arsehole.
Blair Buoyant,
plugging up your arsehole.
Nah, man.
Blair Buoyant,
don't plug up your arsehole.
Now, Adam. Did your grandfather fight
in the Second World War?
- Fuck, yeah. He did.
- And he was stationed in France?
- Uh, well, yeah. Actually, he was.
- And he was part of the 17th Battalion?
Yeah, but how did you know that?
And in the winter of 1943,
he took out a sniper
that was holding his whole battalion down.
Oh my God.
And the next summer, was he awarded
a medal of bravery? A medallion?
- Okay, this isn't funny anymore.
- Adam, he's telling me you brought
that very medallion here tonight.
- Oh my God, Blair!
- Yes, Adam!
I must've read the email wrong
because I've brought
some pork medallions instead.
- Pork medallions?
- Yeah.
I didn't know what you wanted,
so I got heaps of stuff.
I got some sausages.
- Adam…
- Do I just invoice you for the meat?
Your grandfather has one last message
for you.
- I've got some Pepsi, too.
- Go fuck yourself.
Oh! How could he?
No!
Oh, damn it.
Wait a second.
That man, there.
The one on the television.
He looks exactly like you.
And that man looks like you.
And if you really think about it,
a hot dog can become anything,
even a lightsaber. Watch.
- Oh, wow.
- Mind if I…
- Oh, cool.
I'm a cannon on a big battleship.
I'm a regular Lady and the Tramp.
Oh, Zach!
I'm a regular wise guy!
- Fuck!
- Holy heck!
It's pro-wrestler Awesome Kong!
Which one of you said
you can outwrestle me?
Uh… I don't think anyone said that.
Who said they could outwrestle…No one.
- Challenge accepted!
- Oh, no. What are…
- No, we don't want to wrestle.
- In fact, let's make it interesting.
I challenge you three knobs
to win more award necklaces than me
in the Sydney 2000 'Lympic Games.
Can Aunty Donna win more medals
than Awesome Kong at the 'Lympic Games?
- Challenge accepted.
- Yes!
And here's the thing. If we win,
you have to buy each of us a bonsai plant.
Deal. And if I win, you have to…
…in my… [BLEEP].
Oh my God.
We have to make you breakfast in bed?
Okay. Well, we challenge you
to a wrestling match!
- No!
- What? No!
One, two, one, two, Aunty Donna ♪
Broden.
Zach.
Mark.
Aunty Donna.
Grow, muscles. Grow.
Boys, I think we're gonna do pretty well
at this 'Lympics thing.
- I wonder who that could be.
- Let's find out.
- Let's go find out. Let's go see.
- Oh, wow. Who could that be?
Oh, I hope it's my mum.
Gentlemen, I'm looking
for Mr. Mark Samual Bonanno
and one Zachary Ruane.
What's it to ya?
From the Anti-Doping Agency.
In accordance with our rules,
I'm here to test urine
for prohibited substances.
Why are you coming mid-'Lymp prep, man?
Is that confirmation
that you're Zach and Mark?
Well, you could've called ahead.
My tests are, by design, unscheduled.
- Yeah, we were joking.
- Shall we?
It's through here, man.
- It's through here.
- Oh, why you gotta walk like that?
And there you go.
Hey! Don't drink it.
Of course I won't.
Oh, really?
You're not gonna drink the piss test piss?
Absolutely not. That's absurd.
Yeah, we were just joking.
- I'd never do that.
- We know.
I've never drunk piss in my entire life.
- I didn't mean you were actually going to.
- That'd be ridiculous.
- Of course.
- Absolutely. Indeed.
- He's gonna drink our piss.
- No, I'm not.
Then what's that?
It's a beaker.
That's a tiki glass.
Oh my God. You're right.
He's gonna drink our piss.
You're gonna use that tiki glass
to drink our piss.
No, I'm not. I'm going to get samples
of both of your urine
and deliver them to an approved
and accredited anti-doping laboratory.
You see that?
He mixed our piss together!
- Mark, are you seeing this?
- Oh my God! He's gonna drink our piss!
He's making a little cocktail au piss.
No, I'm not. I'm enforcing the codes
of nine separate anti-doping authorities
from around the world that ban a myriad
of different substances.
I'm not drinking piss.
Yes, you are. You're gonna drink our piss.
Hey! Why's he sniffing coffee beans?
He's resetting his palette
before he drinks our piss.
Maybe he's just thirsty.
Can we offer you something?
Like, a juice or a Fanta or a Bovril?
- No, thank you.
- Right, so you're not thirsty?
Actually…
I am the thirstiest that I've ever been.
Oh my God!
Oh my God! He's gonna drink our piss!
Don't drink our piss, mate!
I am a representative
of the Anti-Doping Agency.
He's got a bib on!
It says, "I drink piss."
- Don't drink our piss, mate!
- Gentlemen, stop.
For a long time, the sports industry
has been a cesspool
of corruption, avarice and greed.
At the ADA, we say, "No more."
That is why we will not stop
until every drug cheat is caught, fined,
and removed from the industry.
That is our goal.
That is our mission. And we will not stop
until our goal is achieved.
- There he goes.
- And he's drinking the piss.
Now here is what I would like to know:
Do you think he joined
the Anti-Doping Authority
because he liked drinking piss
and could get easy access to piss?
Or is there a culture
of piss drinking there,
and he sort of just fell into it
over time?
I'm sorry, who are you?
Mark!
This is my treasure.
What up, dudes?
Oh! Hey, bro. By the way,
'Lympics called and they wanted to know
if you wanted to be an organ donor
in case we die at 'Lympics.
You know what?
Put me in an old man
Put me in a young man ♪
Re-purpose my arms
And put them on a girl ♪
Stick my heart in him
And my bones in them ♪
And won't you deliver my liver to her ♪
But don't ever put me in Steve ♪
I don't wanna be in Steve ♪
Yeah, we just need a yes or a no. So…
Put my plug in Doug
Stick my skin on Jim ♪
Ligaments and tendons
Shove 'em in Brendan ♪
But just to reiterate, never in Steve
I got real bad vibes from Steve ♪
I'm not gonna go into it right now ♪
Let's just leave it at that ♪
Put me in a boy ♪
Put me in a boy, put me in a boy ♪
You probably should be a little more
careful with your phrasing there, Broden.
You sound like a ped
If you've got yourself a kid
who needs a new knee ♪
Well, you can give that kid my kidney ♪
Steve's a fucking pyro
There I said it ♪
I reckon he likes fires
But I got no proof ♪
He lives in the hills
Where there's lots of fires ♪
But his house is always safe
And I reckon that's sus ♪
Oh, man.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Give my nose and my toes
To a man with a hose ♪
Give my penis to a genius
And my taint to a saint ♪
But most of all, yes, most of all ♪
- Give my balls to underprivileged youth.
That's beautiful, man.
All you need to do
is fill out this form.
- A form? Fuck that off.
- Right. Okay.
Creak.
Oh! Here's m'first customer for the day.
Look, a silly little street orphan
from the London streets.
That's right. Both my parents are dead.
Hey, would you like some lovely jims?
- Oh.
- I got strawberry jim.
I got raspberry jim.
What is the difference
between a jam and a jim?
A jam and a jim is the same thing.
For when you have a silly jim,
a silly jim is fun ♪
- I got raspberry, strawberry, orange jim
- Zach?
Is that you?
Yeah. Yeah, it's me.
I don't know what you…
What is this? What are you doing?
Just trying to do some character comedy,
I guess.
We're very busy today.
We have a lot of training to do for 'Lymp.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go.
- Do you have any notes for me?
- No, it's all good, man.
- S'all good.
- Fucking jam… jims… I…
It's the classic games of basketball
from the golden era of basketball.
Today's unforgettable classic
is the final of…
Here come the teams
for the basket and ball grand finale.
Today, we look on in fervent glee
as the Toronto Pennywhistles tussle
with the East India Trading Company.
- And we're off. And the boys are away.
Nothing better
than a good gentleman's game
of basket and ball.
Oh, and we see Tim Lincoln-Water going
for the dunk. And he's been dunked.
And for that, he'll receive a free toss
at the peach basket.
We see the game official there,
Clyde Whittings, removing the peaches
from the basket.
Shooting the ball
is George "The Giant" Winters,
standing at a whopping four foot three.
- He lines up, and he's done it.
That earns 27 points for the Pennywhistles
and aren't they merry.
Oh, and Willie Winters
has bodged the toss there.
And Kenneth Jellibond
is letting him know about it
with a bit of argy-bargy.
Of course, the penalty for argy-bargy
is being sent off to war.
There they go, off to join
the 2nd Battalion on the Western Front.
- And there's the three-quarter time siren.
And the boys huddle for a slice of orange,
'fore sitting down to a delicious roast
of marten with steamed sprouts,
mashed potatoes,
boiled neeps, beef gravy, and Gatorade.
- But Erwin Johnson is fresh back
from the war, and he's running.
And oh, no, he's got shell shock.
He's not sure where he is.
The team doctor's seeing to him there,
and yes, it's shell shock.
But that's nothing
a quick bout of war won't fix.
There he goes,
off to join the Light Horse Brigade
on the Eastern Front.
- And the town crier has entered the pitch.
The town crier is permitted to enter
the pitch and stop play at any moment
with news from afar.
Europe is in disarray
as Franz Ferdinand announce a new tour.
Check out livenation.com/franzferdinand.
Long live the Queen.
Yes, very good.
I saw Franz Ferdinand at Coachel
And a woman is on the pitch.
She's stolen the ball. She's running.
And she's escaped on horse-drawn cart.
And there's the siren.
And Toronto has defeated
the Trading Company 27-0.
The losers, as punishment,
are sent to war.
And to the winners go the spoils.
They receive a celebratory trip to war.
There you go, men.
For the many bayoneted men.
Damn German krauts!
This shot put sure is heavy.
I hope it doesn't hit anyone
while I practice.
- You know, you could've gone
- to a regular doctor for this, Broden?
- Yes, but I was hit with a shot put,
so I came to a sports doctor.
Dr. Michelle Brasier, M.D.,
is the most sought-after sports physician
in the industry.
When you're taking care of pro athletes,
you have to be aware
that their injuries might be
a little bit different.
- Hey, Michelle. How're you?
- Hi.
Good. I'm good, Mark.
- How are you feeling?
- I think I've got a cold.
It hurts when I swallow.
Um, my arrow's quite itchy,
which has been a shame.
But otherwise, I'm fine.
I can do all the normal stuff I do.
- Okay.
- Like, this isn't a problem for me.
I built it and they didn't come!
Okay. What's that?
Kevin Costner's full of shit, man!
I've pulled my ham string.
- What's happened?
- Oh, God! Oh, man!
I don't know. I was just walking around.
And then,
I ran into a visual effects makeup team
and they took me into their trailer,
and then they applied this onto me.
- Careful!
- It hurts?
No, not at all. Not in any way.
I actually used to work with children
and taking care of professional athletes
is not that different.
We're out of sync.
No, you're not.
Yes, we are.
- Let's dive in.
- Let's dive in.
Oh!
How did you get that in here?
Did you know that a sneeze
is one-eighth of an orgasm?
- I'm not sure that's
- I've sneezed seven times today.
What's that? Is that pepper?
- Don't sniff it.
- It's coming.
- Don't cum. Don't cum in the office!
- No, it's coming.
Okay.
I'm drowning!
Uh …
Oh my God!
Oh my God! A shark!
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Sports injuries can present
in many different ways.
For example, often they will present
as a sort of structure
for some fucked character comedy.
- Would you like to croquet?
- Uh…
- Balls!
- Okay.
- Another ball.
- Okay.
Where's Peter Pan?
Where's the Pan man?
Hello, love. M'name's Jan,
- and I've got lots
- Zach?
Yeah.
Just trying a new character.
I, um, I… don't like my job.
They're phenomenal. Wow. Okay.
Thanks for a great 'Lympics, everyone.
Hey, I won 42 gold and 20 silver.
I won 30 gold, and I think three bronze.
- All I got was brown.
Well, I don't know how you did it,
but all the training paid off.
Here are your bonsai plants!
Oh, wow! This is so cool!
- Bonsai!
- True to your word.
- You take care of them.
- We will.
Well, I better be off
to my big empty mansion now.
- Uh, time out.
- Yeah.
Hey, Awesome Kong.
Did you wanna stay for lunch?
It is Christmas after all.
Oh, boys. I'd love to!
'Tis the season.
Our hats!
Oh, wow!
Such a great holiday.
It's snowing!
Merry Christmas from Aunty Donna
and Awesome Kong.
And Ronny Chieng.
Aunty Donna's Big Ol' House of Fun ♪
We hope you're liking season one ♪
If not, get fucked and leave, you dog ♪
Just joking, please keep watching ♪
Oh-ah, oh-oh-ah ♪
- That's the sound of us training hard ♪
- What? ♪
- We trained hard to be awesome ♪
- Yeah ♪
Kong picked up dumbbells
And put away our bongs ♪
Oh-ah ♪
- Oh-oh-ah ♪
- What ♪
Oh-ah ♪
That's the sound of us… Oh-oh-ah ♪
Oh-ah ♪
- Oh-oh-ah ♪
- What ♪
Oh-ah ♪
- We trained hard to be ♪
- Aunty Donna ♪
Watch, watch, watch, watching ♪
- Watch, watch, watch ♪
- Aunty ♪
- Watch, watch, watch ♪
- Donna ♪