Awkward s01e03 Episode Script

Previously on Awkward But you should know, I didn't try to kill myself.
"Jenna, as you are now, you could disappear, and no one would notice.
A friend.
" Guys like Matty don't go for girls like us.
For 2.
8 weeks, Matty couldn't keep his hands off me.
He was on a Jenna bender.
And aside from the fact that my vag-a-matic was suffering some serious road burn, I was high on life.
I was living those magical high school moments I'd only seen in movies, and like most leading ladies, I wanted more.
Not more boning.
I wasn't starting a lifelong battle with sex addiction.
I just wanted more Intimacy.
Like the kind I had with Brian Palermo when we played doctor as kids.
Ah, there's a cramp.
I got to-- Sorry.
Seven years later, I was playing for real with a guy I knew nothing about.
Oh.
Can you move? My head's in the oven.
- Yeah.
- My casual suicide reference could have killed the moment, but luckily Matty was preoccupied.
Oh, God.
Oh, uh, should I wait? It was time to get to know Matty.
Oh.
And I had approximately ten seconds.
If you could live anywhere in the world, - where would it be? - Uh, I don't know.
How old were you when you lost your virginity? 'Bout 15.
Okay, so if you were on death row, what would you want as your last meal? - Oh, benihana's.
- Are you close to your mom? - Okay, no more questions.
- Okay.
Awesome! Wow.
Oh, hey.
I used to collect these little dudes.
Turns out we had a lot in common.
Keep it.
So after bonding over sex and our shared love of reptiles trained in martial arts specializing in sabotage, I couldn't help but wonder if this made Matty and I a "We," and were we going about this backwards? First the sex, then the relationship? Or were we just more interesting? Do we have any plans-- do you.
Do you have any plans this weekend? I'll, uh, probably swing by Lissa's party Friday.
Oh.
I should have gone with the "We.
" You know, power of suggestion.
You should come.
Okay, so I guess "we" weren't the type who kissed good-bye.
Or maybe we were.
If you're not busy tonight, Ricky Schwartz is having peeps over for strip jenga.
Um, Matty invited me to a party.
Get out of the city! Matty's actual words, "You should come.
" Does that count as an invite? He parked his pink Cadillac down your side street.
Of course it counts.
He's taking you public, outing you as a couple.
Tamara thought Matty and I were a "We.
" So it's a date? Dates are so old testament.
You just show up at the party.
And bring me.
Well, too bad it's being thrown by queen of the virgin parade.
Join the abstinence club.
Before it's too late.
Tia.
It means this is awkward.
Abstinence isn't easy, and neither are you.
Guess you can't be in that club.
But you can still go to her party.
It's penciled in.
Keeping Matty and I's relationship off the grid seems to be working for us.
Hey, stop.
Don't touch me there.
That, sir, is my no-no square.
Girlfriend's on the hymen squad.
Yeah.
Lissa's given me so many rub and tugs, I got no skin left down there.
I blame God.
You know what really sucks, man? It's our three-month anniversary tonight, so I'm probably due another handie.
- Or Lissa's case, a sandie.
- Huh? Handie so rough, it's like sandpaper.
We have to go to Lissa's.
This is my opportunity to skip nine, maybe ten rungs on the social ladder.
It's probably gonna be a big party, and no one'll even notice we're there.
Doesn't matter.
A person's popularity is directly related to the number of red cup pics they have posted online.
Photoshopping my way to the a-list was a big fail Mary.
To simulate gange smoke, I lit a fire in my trash can, and my hair caught on fire.
Luckily, I was wearing my Jessica Simps' bump-up pony, so I just ripped that [Bleep.]
Out.
S-t-o-p.
Keep your thing away from me.
Where's your purity ring? Hanging from your nipple? I'm just using the gifts God gave me.
I hope you're using the party planning gifts he gave you, because I will not be associated with some lame-ass shindy.
Especially when tonight's the night I'm hooking up with Matty.
My party is going to rock your face off.
And it's perfect timing.
It's mine and Jake's three-month anniversary.
You know what that means, right? It's our paper anniversary? More like a latex anniversary.
'Cause it's the deadline for sex.
If you don't do him, you'll lose him.
Oh, and do not heat up the hot tub.
I can't have it going down with Matty in some nasty cesspool.
Maybe we should go tonight.
I was having some serious party jitters.
My outfit said yes, but my gut said stay the hell home.
Maybe it was a sign that Matty needed room to miss me.
I just decided we're not going.
If we don't go, then the terrorists win.
And by "terrorists" I mean Sadie.
I can't believe you never showed this to me.
Bitch definitely wrote the letter.
Why would she bother? One, she hates you, two, she sexted your billabongs to the tri-school area, and, three, she has a thing for Matty, and probably suspects you do too.
You cannot show fear.
You have to show her you don't give a crap.
Or I don't go, and I don't show anything.
Laundry.
Um, are you wearing eyeliner? What's happening here? She got invited to an in-crowd party, but she doesn't want to go.
Oh, you're going, and I know exactly what you could wear.
Nothing in your closet.
Be right back.
What if you invited Matty to a party and he didn't show up? How would you feel? Well, I'd be bummed.
Guys have feelings too.
They're sensitive.
Especially if they're circumcised.
Matty junior wear a helmet? - How would I know? - Oh, you'd know.
No.
Okay, well, I don't want Matty to feel bad, so, I don't know, should I ask him to walk me in, or does that make me seem like a pussy? No, you and Matty have a thing.
I didn't know what kind of thing, but I was hoping the party would clear that up.
No.
Okay.
Big ups on the content, but I'm not sold on the sign off.
Yeah.
I tried an exclaim, but it made me seem too excited, and now I'm worried the dot dot dot is too whorey.
Agreed.
The ellipses are the sluts of punctuation.
Go with a dash.
No.
I don't really remember a whole hell of a lot from that night.
Keep in mind, it was my very first party, and I was wasted.
And I was alone with maybe seven guys, and they were wasted Okay.
If you're about to get nostalgic over your first orgy, I really don't want to hear about it.
Surprisingly, no.
But I never did find out what happened to my panties.
Okay, um He hasn't texted me back.
How do I know if he's inside? Or should I wait out here? - Who are we talking about? - Matty McKibben.
Are you and Matty together? Apparently this was a burning question on everyone's mind.
If only I could answer it.
Can we go around the block again? No more laps.
Mm-mm.
The beer is for the kids.
Finnish vodka is for Lissa's mom.
She is a big boozer, and no doubt drank every ounce of hooch in that house.
All right, girls.
What is the golden rule? Beer before liquor, never sicker.
Liquor before beer, in the clear.
Yay! Have a good night.
Mwah.
Promise me if it's weird at all that we will just leave, okay? Like you said, no one'll even notice us.
It sounds like a rager.
There's probably five million people in here.
That's true, I guess.
Hi.
Or we just crashed a get-together.
Tia.
Uh, the Finnish vodka's for your mom, and the beer is That's for us.
Oh, my mom'll be so stoked.
Her bathroom mini fridge is totally empty.
Who the fuck invited you? I did.
Matty and I were a "we.
" Better hide the knives.
Say "Sadie!" Get out of my face, wannabe.
Lissa, I told you to lock up that stupid mutt! Sprinkles, be quiet! So there we were, out in public, for the whole Small group of people to see.
I wondered how he'd introduce me.
Hey.
As his girlfriend, his date, his lover Drinks and stuff are over here.
I would have settled for "Jenna.
" Well, you know everybody.
Hey, McKibben.
I know almost no one.
- What do we do now? - Blend in.
There's nothing to blend into.
Matty invited you here.
It's your turn to make the next move.
But first, pretend like you're cross-faded.
Cigarette butts.
- How's it going? - Good.
Yeah, good.
Pretty good.
Okay, actually, it's kind of weird.
- Oh, it's way weird.
- Yes.
Listen, I really didn't know this was gonna be a kickback.
- I figured.
- Yeah.
Oh, let me ask you something.
What's the benefit to having a smaller party versus a, um, standard rager? Well, no one's gonna call the cops, and their house won't get trashed.
And there's a lot more booze to go around, so It's really nice to see you out, Jenna.
Is this your first party since the accident? Everybody smize.
Smile with your eyes.
If our body language was analyzed by the experts at Us Weekly, they would have said we were on the outs.
Matty, I need your help with the keg.
Right.
Uh, talk later? Hey, did you get lowlights? And highlights.
Then I got completely neck-2-t lasered.
Did it hurt? I didn't even feel it.
Then again, I always take, like, three zannies.
Oh, my God.
Is that safe? They're driving zannies.
Cups up, ladies.
By the way, I'm Tamara.
It's spelled "tam-ara," but it's pronounced "ta-mara.
" Like, if your birth control fails, you better plan "b" it "ta-mara.
" Wow.
I've never actually seen a girl eat at one of these kickbacks.
You look like you're having about as much fun as I am.
I'm a little stressed.
It's my anniversary.
Well, it makes sense.
A year's a long time.
It's only been three months.
Wha-- Liss.
People are watching.
- What people? - Okay.
Where have you been? I had to take a leak.
Oh.
Well, come check this out.
Lissa's dad got an electric eel, and when you tap the glass, it gets super pissed, and shocks the crap out of the angel fish.
Sadie, let's just talk about it a little later, okay? All right.
Don't even talk to me until you kick that slut-hole out of your party.
Why? Did Matty just blow you off? No, I asked him to get me a beer.
What is your problem, drunk fu? You were right about Jake.
He is pulling away.
I have to step it up.
But I can't have sex-sex, so what can I do without breaking my vow? Well, there is a loophole.
Really? God has a blind spot.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So I was thinking, you remember the other day when we were at your house, and we were talking-- What's going on, man? So there we were, not speaking.
I desperately wanted him to say something.
Anything.
Even though I was stuck on mute.
Matty was taking my temp with his all-beef thermometer, and now he couldn't even ask me how much foam I wanted.
Oh, oh.
That's--that's plenty.
Maybe he was just shy.
I mean, I'd never been out with him before.
For all I know, he had social anxiety.
Who's ready for some hot tub action? Whoo! So my shy theory was a tad off.
Whoo! I told you no hot tub.
I needed an excuse to get in a bikini so I could lure Jake into my room.
But don't worry.
I know you don't do swimsuits, so I brought you one of my dad's shirts.
Where's Jake? Lose the clothes, beer wench.
We're going in.
I think I'll pass.
I only missed the concert 'cause I had to go to my parents' divorce party.
Boo.
But get another drink in me and I can make music in your pants.
Hello? It was a career low.
I had resorted to the fake phone call.
Oh, I'm just chillin' at this kickback.
I was putting up with a bunch of ass-icles just to hang with Matty, who had barely acknowledged me.
I guess the all-encompassing "we" I was hoping for wasn't the "we" that he wanted.
Oh, no, karaoke sounds awesome.
Happy anniversary.
Whoa.
Unh.
- Jeez, Liss.
- It's been three months.
- Mm-hmm.
And I want to reward you for being so patient.
Oh.
I don't need a reward.
Whoa.
I can't give you exactly what you want Uh-huh.
But I can give you My be-hymen! Jake, can you-- can you help me with this? Jake? Jake? Just a second.
Jenna, are you playing video games? Okay, look, this clearly wasn't a real invite.
You have enough pictures, so can we please just go? Two skanks are all over Matty, but he hit the ignore button.
Probably because he's waiting for some Hamilton soup.
Really? Tamara was right.
Matty wasn't responsive.
Even though sluts-her-face was practically dry-humping him.
Ow.
I did want to go in.
And what did I have to lose? I had some Victoria's secrets of my own.
I didn't know if he was going out of his way to answer my question, but he couldn't have made it any clearer.
Matty and I weren't a "we" at all.
There was only me, and Me was devastated.
What are you looking at, freak? Nothin looks like Matty invited a lot of people.
I'm not in the mood for a sob fest, so why don't you go home and practice the blood violin? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Oh, you want to take this inside? No.
Just back off, please? Okay, I want to go, "t.
" But I need her to hold up my extensions.
Isn't this awesome? Oh! In a little while, okay? It's a little serendip Itous that I'm gonna vomit, because now I don't have to feel guilty about eating all those nachos.
Uh, hold that thought.
Cup up, Karli.
Roman shower, coming through.
Sprinkles, come here, b-- Hey, mom.
It's only 9:15.
Oh, please don't tell me you want me to pick you up already.
Um, no, I was actually, um, calling because the party's so awesome, we might be a while.
Hey.
What are you doing out here? Uh, I don't know.
What are you doing? Leaving.
Hey, you need a ride? Please.
Anyone want to make out with me? Anyone? Running solo here.
So lissa refuses to have sex with you, - but she'll do that? - Yep.
And, um, get ready to piss your pants, because she called it her be-hymen.
Oh, my God.
That's genius.
I can't believe I just told you that.
I can't either, but I'm glad you did.
Really? Why? It means you trust me.
You're easy to talk to.
I was just thinking the same thing.
So why did you bail on the party? 'Cause, um It sucked.
Yeah, agreed.
Oh, I forgot to mention the part of the story where I completely bolted.
I mean, does that make me an ass? Just ass-ophobic.
Look, I mean, I want to do it.
You know, I'm a guy.
Just under different circumstances.
Like maybe after we've known each other longer, and Does that make any sense? I knew exactly what he meant.
Not that I wanted to take it up with kardashian.
But maybe Matty and I shouldn't have done anything until we knew each other better.
Man.
Everything on the radio's really depressing.
I had barely spent any time with Jake, and I already knew extremely intimate stuff about him.
Weird stuff I didn't really want to know.
Do you have to be home right away? I have a few hours to kill.
Oh, my God.
Someone pooped.
Wait.
Do you hear those lyrics? Turn it up.
Don't come knocking on my back door saying don't come knocking on my back door saying all those pretty words you said before