Back in the Game s01e03 Episode Script
Play Hard or Go Home
1 Sliding on your butt, front knee bent, hands up! That's why we teach you to pop up, you can come up and hit him right into mouth with a good elbow, right? No! No, it's to protect your hands.
- Whoa! - What a cool airplane.
I want to have one.
Hey! Hey! Heads out of your butts.
Let's go.
Come on, man.
This game is about commitment and focus.
Committed! You know who's committed? The Chinese.
They're committed.
And one day, they're gonna come screaming up that beach in Santa Monica, and they're gonna lop your heads off and send them to your mothers in a little white to-go box! Right? Now, let's go sliding.
And for now, come in spikes high! Come on! Ow! Help! Help! Ow! All right.
Good stuff.
What? That was good stuff? It's a disgrace.
Ted Williams' head would roll over in its freezer.
Black Hawk is going down.
Wow.
He is in rare form today.
Why has he been so mad at us for the past week? This is a whole new level of mean.
His forehead veins were giving me the finger.
My Dad gets mad like that when my Mom's away.
My brother says it's because he's pent up.
- What's pent up? - When he needs to get some.
- Some what? - You know, the good stuff.
Mom, does the Cannon need some of the good stuff? That's the good stuff.
Well, maybe some companionship would be good for him.
Here we go Whoa.
- You think? - Definitely.
I'm back 1x03 - Play Hard or Go Home I'm back Man, watching her pack up is way hotter than watching coach Dave.
If he were a deejay, he'd be Wolfman back.
- He's like ZZ bottom.
- Come on, guys.
It's genetic.
There's nothing a man can do about his body hair.
Shut up, Stan.
Hey, rookie! Come over here.
I need to talk to you for a sec.
Or I can come to you.
That's fine.
Check it out.
It's my condom supply for the month.
I'm kidding.
- Classy, Dick.
- So I've been told.
- By Stan? - That's funny.
Look, as the rookie coach, you get the crappiest job.
You got to run the chocolate-bar fundraiser.
Buy it.
Sell it.
If you want to get kinky, melt it down and take a bath in it.
But then be sure to take a real bath after, 'cause you're gonna be all you know chocolaty.
There needs to be eight hundy in this cash box by the end of the week, or it's your ass.
Unless you're not up for it.
I can find another coach.
- That won't be a problem.
- Oh, please.
I'm gonna sell so much chocolate, it's gonna make you cry like a bitch, bitch.
That's dirty talk, and I like it.
I'll see you Monday.
Pull your pants up, Dave! Hey! Speed it up, or I'm gonna get my car and chase you around with it! Brakes are shot! Dong, where is your pride, man? What a bum.
- Hey, Danny.
Did you hear about David and Vanessa? - No.
Oh, they had a ginormous fight in the cafeteria.
Tater tots were thrown, tears were shed.
It was Kardashian crazy.
- So? - "So?" You like her! This is your window to get in there with her.
Find your inner Angelina and take out Aniston.
OMG! There she is! Hey, remember when we were at the bank the other day and you were flirting with that tall, skinny teller? - Oh, Karen, yeah.
- Karen.
Yeah.
You know, if I was 10 years younger, I'd try to bust into that vault.
- So, you like tall women? - Tall, short, I don't care.
It's all the same down at the "y," you know? So let's talk age, hmm? Let's say a woman who was, uh, 60? 50? - 40?! Oh, go look in the mirror.
- No, no, no, no.
I am not knocking boots with some blue hair, okay? What the hell are you doing with this machine, anyway? It is a seniors dating site.
I thought it would be nice if you found someone you enjoyed spending some time with.
You know, like a "from here to eternity" moment.
- That's the good stuff.
- Yeah.
So just answer some questions and see what happens, okay? - You're kidding.
- What kind of hair do you like? - Brazilian.
- On her head, Dad! Uh it's got to be long.
None of that, um, tennis lady hair.
You know me.
Just a nice gal who'll watch a ballgame with me on TV, uh, after we boff.
Can I say "make love"? That would be "boff.
" Type it.
Two F's.
- "Boff.
" - You are not taking this seriously.
You got it, Sherlock.
I am not doing this.
"Make love.
" Bo-o-ff.
Okay, you each need to sell 20 bars, okay? Smile and be charming.
Hey, Dudley, no snacking.
Next time.
Okay, sell! So, did you get any replies to the Cannon's profile? Oh, one.
Yeah.
A guy who calls himself "diaper dude" who likes getting punched by old men.
Point is, he is not an easy sell.
Last night, I saw him drinking the juice from a can of clams.
I mean, it's not like I can just go to the store and buy him a girlfriend.
[ The Stranglers' "Peaches" plays .]
- Well, actually, maybe you can.
- Hmm? Oh, Lulu.
I love you.
Circle up, boys! New plan! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Okay, very important, all right? If you want the Cannon to stop yelling at you, help me find him a lady friend.
Okay? This place is crawling with potential women.
45-60 is our target age.
Short, tall, big, small.
If there's a ring on her left hand, don't waste your time.
If there's a tan line, she's shady and ready to party.
Okay! Let's do this! Angles! 1, 2, 3! Angles! Whoo! Whoo! His name's the Cannon, and he used to play professional baseball.
All original hair.
Original teeth.
Smells like beer, but in a fun way.
Hello, lady.
I'd like to speak with you about matters of the heart.
Hey, baby! You interested in an American guy with an unlimited access to toilet paper? Hey, there, gorgeous.
Are you single? - Hey.
Danny, Michael.
- Hey, Vanessa.
- You know my mom? - Um Oh, my gosh! Don't you love that iced tea? Totally.
I like the random facts on the bottle caps.
"Kangaroos can't walk backwards.
" Danny likes something, too.
Right, Danny? Uh, d um, k uh, b-baby k-kangaroos.
Awesome.
You should send that in.
I got to go catch up with my mom.
Uh, see ya.
Sounds good.
All right.
Coach Terry, I believe we have found our lady.
- Hi, I'm Dotty.
- Hi.
Well, you didn't run or call the cops, so that's a good sign.
Unless she's homeless.
Are you homeless, darling? 'Cause you are very tanned.
Oh, no.
No.
No.
I have a beach house.
I like to get my hammock on.
The boys told me about your dad.
Kind of a crazy way to meet a guy, but what the hell? I like 'em rough around the edges.
- What about hairy around the edges? - I can work with that.
And check this out infield fly rule.
Go.
Oh, if a batter pops up and there's less than two outs and a force on third, it's an automatic out, regardless if the ball is caught.
I used to sell beer at Dodger Stadium.
Are you free tonight at 8:00? Oh, this is ridiculous.
Just come meet Dotty for 20 minutes, please? Baggin' on that.
Kershaw's pitching, and I got to get through this salmon jerky before it expires.
Hmm.
- Is that a toothpick necklace? - Had it made special.
It saves me a ton of money on toothpicks.
Do you ever wash it? What, am I gonna catch something from myself? Why don't you think before you talk? Hey, I busted my ass to find someone for you! The entire internet turned you down.
I found her in a parking lot, all right? You are going on this date! Let me tell you, if this house was on fire, I would sit here and burn like a monk.
He throws the fastball.
It's a hard hit.
Hey, give me that.
What the hell are you doing? - What did you press? Come on.
- Hmm? - Come on.
Get rid of the snow.
- Yeah, try that one.
- "HD" might oh, come on! - Oh, that didn't work? Oh, no.
- Fix this.
- Oh, I'll fix it if you go on this date.
Pick that out of your teeth.
You got to go to M.
I.
T.
for this stupid What the hell is this?! Piece of crap! Dad, this is Dotty Sanchez.
She is divorced.
- Her son lives in Chicago.
- Mm-hmm.
And she has a basset hound named Kevin Kline.
Yeah, well, when he was a puppy, his cute little face reminded me of Kevin Kline.
And goodbye.
Think of the TV.
It's gonna be snowing every damn day of your miserable life.
Hmm, yeah.
Anyway, found you in a parking lot, he almost killed a guy in a parking lot.
Discuss.
Have fun.
Hey.
Look who's here.
How's the chocolate sale coming, Terry? Did you, uh did you take that bath yet? Just dropping off my Dad.
He's on a date, thanks to me.
- Where's your date? - Where's your date? - Yeah, where's your date? - Where's your date? Uh, well, just got her number.
So that deal is closed like circuit city.
Anyway, look.
Say no more, rookie, 'cause I got you all figured out.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Your ex wrecked you, and you're scared to start dating again.
So, what do you do? You take your dad out to test the waters.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
Struck a nerve, huh? - That's kind of hot.
- No.
Not everything is hot.
Like that right there you just did? It's hot.
No! Stop getting aroused by my anger! I'm walking away now.
I can't wait for that 'cause it's gonna be so hot.
- Oh, my god.
- And - I'm right.
- Mm-hmm.
[ Clarence Carter's "Strokin'" plays .]
When I start making love I don't just make love I stroke it to the East and I stroke it to the West and I stroke it to the woman that I love the best I be strokin' I stroke it to the strokin' Hey.
Why did you turn off my Hi-Fi? I'm strokin' over here.
Why are you happy? You are never happy.
Wait.
Two cups of coffee.
Oh, my god! She's here, isn't she?! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Keep your voice down, loudmouth.
She's just getting up.
We, uh, had kind of a long night, you know? - That is completely disgusting.
- Yeah.
But good for you! There's my barrel-chested dreamboat.
Hey, hey.
Hi, babe.
Hey, uh, this is, uh, my beautiful daughter, Terry.
- This is Barb.
- Hi, hon.
After I get some nicotine in me, we'll take a shower and get cleaned up for round two.
W-what is that?! Oh, you see, uh, Dotty, she's really sweet, but to tell you the truth, we just didn't click.
So I walked over to this dive bar, and I met Barb.
And I got to tell you, she is terrific.
So, to be honest, I think I'm gonna spend some time with this one.
Is she okay? It sounds like her lungs are about to explode.
Hey, nothing wrong with those lungs.
She held her breath like a dolphin.
You know, I got to tell you, if it wasn't for you pushing me the way you did, I'd have never met, uh, Barb here.
And so thank you.
Is there a pool in this house? Oh, that's not a clean thing.
Is she terrific, or what? Cannon, I just passed Barb.
She's turning blue.
Oh, it's a touch of Emphysema.
She'll shake it.
Why do they make these things childproof if they're for children?! - What's the problem, buddy? - Nothing.
Girls.
How did you get Barb to like you? Oh, well Uh, we sat down and we talked for a while.
I got her loaded and asked her nicely to join me in the men's room.
Every single part of that sentence would get me expelled.
- You got your eye on a girl? - I just don't know what to do.
Look, it's like I told you in practice, right? You got to commit.
You just go up and tell 'em how you feel.
Now, if she doesn't like you back, she's a bum and you don't want her anyway.
So, I just walk up and tell her? I mean, if you want to make a real impression, right, then, uh, just do something, uh, you know, thoughtful.
You know, girls, they, uh they eat that crap up.
There you go.
Take a hike.
- Hey.
I brought dinner.
- My nose never lies.
I smell pizza and brake fluid like sharks smell blood.
Barb.
Now wearing my clothes.
Yeah, she, uh she fixed the TV.
She's a wiz at electrics.
I was gonna be an astronaut.
But after apollo 13, you're not allowed to smoke on a rocket ship.
So there goes that dream! What the hell is going on? Look, the poor thing, she's in between places, you know? So, uh, I told her she could bunk here for a while.
- "A while"? - I left it open-ended.
We can't live with that woman! She washed her flip flops in the dishwasher.
Now we need new dishes! Gee, that's, uh I mean, that's too bad.
'Cause, I mean, me and Barb are kind of connected.
I mean, that's what you wanted, isn't it? Yes.
When this began, that's what I wanted.
I wanted you happy and nicer to the kids.
- Boom! It worked.
- But now I'm miserable! I can't take it, and I want "Mucus Mary" out of this house.
- Lung butter churned, daddy! - Oh, that is one of Danny's socks! Yeah, dairy's really gonna help that whole situation.
Mmm, it's delicious.
The next kid to drop a ball is running bases till he's 16! Hey! Start running, Governor Christie! What's your problem, lady? Hey, right now! Go! Five laps! All of you! Now! Mom, what's your problem? You seem just pent up like the Cannon.
It's that Barb.
She is driving me crazy.
This morning, I caught her using a hair dryer to warm up an egg sandwich.
There was burnt cheese all over the nozzle, which ended up being delicious, but I can't take it anymore! - Well, the Cannon seems happier.
- Yeah, but now I'm a mess.
A hot mess.
- Oy.
- Hey, Terry, just a friendly reminder, I'm gonna need that chocolate money in two-zero days.
- 20 days? - Zero-two.
Darn.
Look, don't try to put me down just 'cause you don't like what I said the other night.
You remember, Dr.
Dick's dating diagnosis.
Okay, first off, if there's an "M.
D.
" in your name, it stands for "massive douche.
" Secondly, I have every right to be a little cautious about dating.
Oh, hey, I get that.
I mean, after my wife and I split up, I figured the next person I meet was just gonna stomp all over my heart.
It took me a long time to get back out there.
Look, if you need to talk to somebody about this, this guy is really good.
Call him.
I promise you he will help, and I need that money, okay? - Call him.
- Thanks.
You're welcome.
- This is your number, Dick! - I know! - Mom? - Hmm? Okay, so, today, after school, I brought my chocolates by the gym where the big people hang out you know, Tubby's.
And I just opened the box and got out of the way.
- Payday! - Well played! That brings us to $800, buddy! We did it! - Where's all the money?! - Where's all the money?! Barb! Watch my skin there.
- That phlegmy hag stole my money! - Watch your mouth, Barbie! I'm not that phlegmy, and I don't have your money.
From this box? The money from the chocolate sale? - Oh, that money.
That's long gone.
- Well, get it back! The guys who have it don't like it when you ask for it back.
Get me my money back, or so help me, I will smash your apnea mask! Now get the hell out of my house! Uh, relax, ladies.
Just relax.
Barb, you, uh you were a champ.
We did great, uh, but you can hit the bricks now, okay? Perfect! It's still happy hour at the Airport Radisson.
Okay, uh, where's she going? Where is my money? And what the hell is going on here?! Barb, um not really my girlfriend.
She's just some lush from my bar.
I-I've known her for a while.
So I paid her to hang out here and to drive you nuts.
That's crazy! I-I-I heard you two having nasty, old-people sex.
- She was here.
- What?! Wait.
You brought Barb here to put me in my place for sending you on a date, and then you paid her off with my chocolate money? Bingo.
I can come up with that crazy kind of crap all day long.
You shouldn't have meddled.
I wasn't meddling, you idiot! I worry about you, okay? I didn't want you to be alone for the rest of your life! But you had to go break my TV, and that's war.
Oh, you are a mental patient! That is commitment.
And hereth endeth the lesson.
[ The Flirtations' "Nothing but a heartache" plays .]
Nothing but a heartache every day nothing but a heartache nothing but a tear drop all of the way Whatever you're about to say to Vanessa, don't.
She and David are totes back together.
loving a bad guy is such a sin, yeah he's got me, oh, why can't I get him? Nothing but a heartache every day, yeah nothing but a heartache nothing but a tear drop all of the way it's one situation that I just can't win, yeah he's got me, oh, why can't I get him? That's the good stuff! - Why do you look nice? - None of your business.
- Hey.
- Hi, Cannon.
Hey, Dot.
Listen, uh, would you mind terribly - just waiting in the car for one minute? - Oh, sure.
Yeah.
Uh, after she stopped yapping about that silly dog and everything, we had a pretty nice time, you know.
She worked at Dodger Stadium, and, uh, she made it with Steve Garvey, a good ballplayer.
- So - Yeah.
I figured I'd take her out for a a legitimate dinner, you know? Good for you.
Anyway, um, you know what you said about caring about me and being lonely and everything? Well, I I I want the same for you.
I hope someday you find somebody, you know, really great, somebody really wonderful.
Really? No.
I'll kill him.
Anyway, uh Don't wait up.
Whatever I get in my teeth tonight, I'm keeping it.
Hmm.
And right back to disgusting.
- Terry! - Yes? Where's my television set? Oh! Uh, I sold it in order to get back the chocolate money you gave to Barb.
Now the lesson has endeth.
That's my girl.
- Whoa! - What a cool airplane.
I want to have one.
Hey! Hey! Heads out of your butts.
Let's go.
Come on, man.
This game is about commitment and focus.
Committed! You know who's committed? The Chinese.
They're committed.
And one day, they're gonna come screaming up that beach in Santa Monica, and they're gonna lop your heads off and send them to your mothers in a little white to-go box! Right? Now, let's go sliding.
And for now, come in spikes high! Come on! Ow! Help! Help! Ow! All right.
Good stuff.
What? That was good stuff? It's a disgrace.
Ted Williams' head would roll over in its freezer.
Black Hawk is going down.
Wow.
He is in rare form today.
Why has he been so mad at us for the past week? This is a whole new level of mean.
His forehead veins were giving me the finger.
My Dad gets mad like that when my Mom's away.
My brother says it's because he's pent up.
- What's pent up? - When he needs to get some.
- Some what? - You know, the good stuff.
Mom, does the Cannon need some of the good stuff? That's the good stuff.
Well, maybe some companionship would be good for him.
Here we go Whoa.
- You think? - Definitely.
I'm back 1x03 - Play Hard or Go Home I'm back Man, watching her pack up is way hotter than watching coach Dave.
If he were a deejay, he'd be Wolfman back.
- He's like ZZ bottom.
- Come on, guys.
It's genetic.
There's nothing a man can do about his body hair.
Shut up, Stan.
Hey, rookie! Come over here.
I need to talk to you for a sec.
Or I can come to you.
That's fine.
Check it out.
It's my condom supply for the month.
I'm kidding.
- Classy, Dick.
- So I've been told.
- By Stan? - That's funny.
Look, as the rookie coach, you get the crappiest job.
You got to run the chocolate-bar fundraiser.
Buy it.
Sell it.
If you want to get kinky, melt it down and take a bath in it.
But then be sure to take a real bath after, 'cause you're gonna be all you know chocolaty.
There needs to be eight hundy in this cash box by the end of the week, or it's your ass.
Unless you're not up for it.
I can find another coach.
- That won't be a problem.
- Oh, please.
I'm gonna sell so much chocolate, it's gonna make you cry like a bitch, bitch.
That's dirty talk, and I like it.
I'll see you Monday.
Pull your pants up, Dave! Hey! Speed it up, or I'm gonna get my car and chase you around with it! Brakes are shot! Dong, where is your pride, man? What a bum.
- Hey, Danny.
Did you hear about David and Vanessa? - No.
Oh, they had a ginormous fight in the cafeteria.
Tater tots were thrown, tears were shed.
It was Kardashian crazy.
- So? - "So?" You like her! This is your window to get in there with her.
Find your inner Angelina and take out Aniston.
OMG! There she is! Hey, remember when we were at the bank the other day and you were flirting with that tall, skinny teller? - Oh, Karen, yeah.
- Karen.
Yeah.
You know, if I was 10 years younger, I'd try to bust into that vault.
- So, you like tall women? - Tall, short, I don't care.
It's all the same down at the "y," you know? So let's talk age, hmm? Let's say a woman who was, uh, 60? 50? - 40?! Oh, go look in the mirror.
- No, no, no, no.
I am not knocking boots with some blue hair, okay? What the hell are you doing with this machine, anyway? It is a seniors dating site.
I thought it would be nice if you found someone you enjoyed spending some time with.
You know, like a "from here to eternity" moment.
- That's the good stuff.
- Yeah.
So just answer some questions and see what happens, okay? - You're kidding.
- What kind of hair do you like? - Brazilian.
- On her head, Dad! Uh it's got to be long.
None of that, um, tennis lady hair.
You know me.
Just a nice gal who'll watch a ballgame with me on TV, uh, after we boff.
Can I say "make love"? That would be "boff.
" Type it.
Two F's.
- "Boff.
" - You are not taking this seriously.
You got it, Sherlock.
I am not doing this.
"Make love.
" Bo-o-ff.
Okay, you each need to sell 20 bars, okay? Smile and be charming.
Hey, Dudley, no snacking.
Next time.
Okay, sell! So, did you get any replies to the Cannon's profile? Oh, one.
Yeah.
A guy who calls himself "diaper dude" who likes getting punched by old men.
Point is, he is not an easy sell.
Last night, I saw him drinking the juice from a can of clams.
I mean, it's not like I can just go to the store and buy him a girlfriend.
[ The Stranglers' "Peaches" plays .]
- Well, actually, maybe you can.
- Hmm? Oh, Lulu.
I love you.
Circle up, boys! New plan! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Okay, very important, all right? If you want the Cannon to stop yelling at you, help me find him a lady friend.
Okay? This place is crawling with potential women.
45-60 is our target age.
Short, tall, big, small.
If there's a ring on her left hand, don't waste your time.
If there's a tan line, she's shady and ready to party.
Okay! Let's do this! Angles! 1, 2, 3! Angles! Whoo! Whoo! His name's the Cannon, and he used to play professional baseball.
All original hair.
Original teeth.
Smells like beer, but in a fun way.
Hello, lady.
I'd like to speak with you about matters of the heart.
Hey, baby! You interested in an American guy with an unlimited access to toilet paper? Hey, there, gorgeous.
Are you single? - Hey.
Danny, Michael.
- Hey, Vanessa.
- You know my mom? - Um Oh, my gosh! Don't you love that iced tea? Totally.
I like the random facts on the bottle caps.
"Kangaroos can't walk backwards.
" Danny likes something, too.
Right, Danny? Uh, d um, k uh, b-baby k-kangaroos.
Awesome.
You should send that in.
I got to go catch up with my mom.
Uh, see ya.
Sounds good.
All right.
Coach Terry, I believe we have found our lady.
- Hi, I'm Dotty.
- Hi.
Well, you didn't run or call the cops, so that's a good sign.
Unless she's homeless.
Are you homeless, darling? 'Cause you are very tanned.
Oh, no.
No.
No.
I have a beach house.
I like to get my hammock on.
The boys told me about your dad.
Kind of a crazy way to meet a guy, but what the hell? I like 'em rough around the edges.
- What about hairy around the edges? - I can work with that.
And check this out infield fly rule.
Go.
Oh, if a batter pops up and there's less than two outs and a force on third, it's an automatic out, regardless if the ball is caught.
I used to sell beer at Dodger Stadium.
Are you free tonight at 8:00? Oh, this is ridiculous.
Just come meet Dotty for 20 minutes, please? Baggin' on that.
Kershaw's pitching, and I got to get through this salmon jerky before it expires.
Hmm.
- Is that a toothpick necklace? - Had it made special.
It saves me a ton of money on toothpicks.
Do you ever wash it? What, am I gonna catch something from myself? Why don't you think before you talk? Hey, I busted my ass to find someone for you! The entire internet turned you down.
I found her in a parking lot, all right? You are going on this date! Let me tell you, if this house was on fire, I would sit here and burn like a monk.
He throws the fastball.
It's a hard hit.
Hey, give me that.
What the hell are you doing? - What did you press? Come on.
- Hmm? - Come on.
Get rid of the snow.
- Yeah, try that one.
- "HD" might oh, come on! - Oh, that didn't work? Oh, no.
- Fix this.
- Oh, I'll fix it if you go on this date.
Pick that out of your teeth.
You got to go to M.
I.
T.
for this stupid What the hell is this?! Piece of crap! Dad, this is Dotty Sanchez.
She is divorced.
- Her son lives in Chicago.
- Mm-hmm.
And she has a basset hound named Kevin Kline.
Yeah, well, when he was a puppy, his cute little face reminded me of Kevin Kline.
And goodbye.
Think of the TV.
It's gonna be snowing every damn day of your miserable life.
Hmm, yeah.
Anyway, found you in a parking lot, he almost killed a guy in a parking lot.
Discuss.
Have fun.
Hey.
Look who's here.
How's the chocolate sale coming, Terry? Did you, uh did you take that bath yet? Just dropping off my Dad.
He's on a date, thanks to me.
- Where's your date? - Where's your date? - Yeah, where's your date? - Where's your date? Uh, well, just got her number.
So that deal is closed like circuit city.
Anyway, look.
Say no more, rookie, 'cause I got you all figured out.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Your ex wrecked you, and you're scared to start dating again.
So, what do you do? You take your dad out to test the waters.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
Struck a nerve, huh? - That's kind of hot.
- No.
Not everything is hot.
Like that right there you just did? It's hot.
No! Stop getting aroused by my anger! I'm walking away now.
I can't wait for that 'cause it's gonna be so hot.
- Oh, my god.
- And - I'm right.
- Mm-hmm.
[ Clarence Carter's "Strokin'" plays .]
When I start making love I don't just make love I stroke it to the East and I stroke it to the West and I stroke it to the woman that I love the best I be strokin' I stroke it to the strokin' Hey.
Why did you turn off my Hi-Fi? I'm strokin' over here.
Why are you happy? You are never happy.
Wait.
Two cups of coffee.
Oh, my god! She's here, isn't she?! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Keep your voice down, loudmouth.
She's just getting up.
We, uh, had kind of a long night, you know? - That is completely disgusting.
- Yeah.
But good for you! There's my barrel-chested dreamboat.
Hey, hey.
Hi, babe.
Hey, uh, this is, uh, my beautiful daughter, Terry.
- This is Barb.
- Hi, hon.
After I get some nicotine in me, we'll take a shower and get cleaned up for round two.
W-what is that?! Oh, you see, uh, Dotty, she's really sweet, but to tell you the truth, we just didn't click.
So I walked over to this dive bar, and I met Barb.
And I got to tell you, she is terrific.
So, to be honest, I think I'm gonna spend some time with this one.
Is she okay? It sounds like her lungs are about to explode.
Hey, nothing wrong with those lungs.
She held her breath like a dolphin.
You know, I got to tell you, if it wasn't for you pushing me the way you did, I'd have never met, uh, Barb here.
And so thank you.
Is there a pool in this house? Oh, that's not a clean thing.
Is she terrific, or what? Cannon, I just passed Barb.
She's turning blue.
Oh, it's a touch of Emphysema.
She'll shake it.
Why do they make these things childproof if they're for children?! - What's the problem, buddy? - Nothing.
Girls.
How did you get Barb to like you? Oh, well Uh, we sat down and we talked for a while.
I got her loaded and asked her nicely to join me in the men's room.
Every single part of that sentence would get me expelled.
- You got your eye on a girl? - I just don't know what to do.
Look, it's like I told you in practice, right? You got to commit.
You just go up and tell 'em how you feel.
Now, if she doesn't like you back, she's a bum and you don't want her anyway.
So, I just walk up and tell her? I mean, if you want to make a real impression, right, then, uh, just do something, uh, you know, thoughtful.
You know, girls, they, uh they eat that crap up.
There you go.
Take a hike.
- Hey.
I brought dinner.
- My nose never lies.
I smell pizza and brake fluid like sharks smell blood.
Barb.
Now wearing my clothes.
Yeah, she, uh she fixed the TV.
She's a wiz at electrics.
I was gonna be an astronaut.
But after apollo 13, you're not allowed to smoke on a rocket ship.
So there goes that dream! What the hell is going on? Look, the poor thing, she's in between places, you know? So, uh, I told her she could bunk here for a while.
- "A while"? - I left it open-ended.
We can't live with that woman! She washed her flip flops in the dishwasher.
Now we need new dishes! Gee, that's, uh I mean, that's too bad.
'Cause, I mean, me and Barb are kind of connected.
I mean, that's what you wanted, isn't it? Yes.
When this began, that's what I wanted.
I wanted you happy and nicer to the kids.
- Boom! It worked.
- But now I'm miserable! I can't take it, and I want "Mucus Mary" out of this house.
- Lung butter churned, daddy! - Oh, that is one of Danny's socks! Yeah, dairy's really gonna help that whole situation.
Mmm, it's delicious.
The next kid to drop a ball is running bases till he's 16! Hey! Start running, Governor Christie! What's your problem, lady? Hey, right now! Go! Five laps! All of you! Now! Mom, what's your problem? You seem just pent up like the Cannon.
It's that Barb.
She is driving me crazy.
This morning, I caught her using a hair dryer to warm up an egg sandwich.
There was burnt cheese all over the nozzle, which ended up being delicious, but I can't take it anymore! - Well, the Cannon seems happier.
- Yeah, but now I'm a mess.
A hot mess.
- Oy.
- Hey, Terry, just a friendly reminder, I'm gonna need that chocolate money in two-zero days.
- 20 days? - Zero-two.
Darn.
Look, don't try to put me down just 'cause you don't like what I said the other night.
You remember, Dr.
Dick's dating diagnosis.
Okay, first off, if there's an "M.
D.
" in your name, it stands for "massive douche.
" Secondly, I have every right to be a little cautious about dating.
Oh, hey, I get that.
I mean, after my wife and I split up, I figured the next person I meet was just gonna stomp all over my heart.
It took me a long time to get back out there.
Look, if you need to talk to somebody about this, this guy is really good.
Call him.
I promise you he will help, and I need that money, okay? - Call him.
- Thanks.
You're welcome.
- This is your number, Dick! - I know! - Mom? - Hmm? Okay, so, today, after school, I brought my chocolates by the gym where the big people hang out you know, Tubby's.
And I just opened the box and got out of the way.
- Payday! - Well played! That brings us to $800, buddy! We did it! - Where's all the money?! - Where's all the money?! Barb! Watch my skin there.
- That phlegmy hag stole my money! - Watch your mouth, Barbie! I'm not that phlegmy, and I don't have your money.
From this box? The money from the chocolate sale? - Oh, that money.
That's long gone.
- Well, get it back! The guys who have it don't like it when you ask for it back.
Get me my money back, or so help me, I will smash your apnea mask! Now get the hell out of my house! Uh, relax, ladies.
Just relax.
Barb, you, uh you were a champ.
We did great, uh, but you can hit the bricks now, okay? Perfect! It's still happy hour at the Airport Radisson.
Okay, uh, where's she going? Where is my money? And what the hell is going on here?! Barb, um not really my girlfriend.
She's just some lush from my bar.
I-I've known her for a while.
So I paid her to hang out here and to drive you nuts.
That's crazy! I-I-I heard you two having nasty, old-people sex.
- She was here.
- What?! Wait.
You brought Barb here to put me in my place for sending you on a date, and then you paid her off with my chocolate money? Bingo.
I can come up with that crazy kind of crap all day long.
You shouldn't have meddled.
I wasn't meddling, you idiot! I worry about you, okay? I didn't want you to be alone for the rest of your life! But you had to go break my TV, and that's war.
Oh, you are a mental patient! That is commitment.
And hereth endeth the lesson.
[ The Flirtations' "Nothing but a heartache" plays .]
Nothing but a heartache every day nothing but a heartache nothing but a tear drop all of the way Whatever you're about to say to Vanessa, don't.
She and David are totes back together.
loving a bad guy is such a sin, yeah he's got me, oh, why can't I get him? Nothing but a heartache every day, yeah nothing but a heartache nothing but a tear drop all of the way it's one situation that I just can't win, yeah he's got me, oh, why can't I get him? That's the good stuff! - Why do you look nice? - None of your business.
- Hey.
- Hi, Cannon.
Hey, Dot.
Listen, uh, would you mind terribly - just waiting in the car for one minute? - Oh, sure.
Yeah.
Uh, after she stopped yapping about that silly dog and everything, we had a pretty nice time, you know.
She worked at Dodger Stadium, and, uh, she made it with Steve Garvey, a good ballplayer.
- So - Yeah.
I figured I'd take her out for a a legitimate dinner, you know? Good for you.
Anyway, um, you know what you said about caring about me and being lonely and everything? Well, I I I want the same for you.
I hope someday you find somebody, you know, really great, somebody really wonderful.
Really? No.
I'll kill him.
Anyway, uh Don't wait up.
Whatever I get in my teeth tonight, I'm keeping it.
Hmm.
And right back to disgusting.
- Terry! - Yes? Where's my television set? Oh! Uh, I sold it in order to get back the chocolate money you gave to Barb.
Now the lesson has endeth.
That's my girl.