Back in Very Small Business (2018) s01e03 Episode Script
Bad Influence
I'll pay for your For my double mastectomy? Oh, you're the bomb, Dad.
- Did you get my present? - I sure did.
And it is so fucking hot! Who is this Coco you keep talking about? She's very, very famous on Instagram.
To have built what you both have built, from doing nothing.
We have just caught a marlin.
Introducing to you all the Ammo! DON: What is this? - It's the Brrr! Summer range.
- No.
It's not.
So, we've got the Ammo, and Coco.
Hot product plus premium influencer, multiplied by five pillars of Instagram branding equals jugger-fucking-naut.
Which of these pillars will best launch the Ammo into the zeitgeist? - Sam, sorry to interrupt - Oh, how's the Ammo, Celeste? Ammozing.
I thought of that myself.
Hashtag ammozing.
Is that helpful? - Love it.
- 'Cause it honestly is.
It's the Rolls Royce of bumbags.
Oh, the Bentley of bumbags.
- Hashtag - Did you want something, Celeste? Oh yes, sorry.
I've got Yvonne on the phone.
My mother Yvonne? I can't believe she's called the office.
Can you tell her I'm not speaking to her? - Actually, she wants to speak to Ray.
- Me? She says she doesn't have your mobile.
It's about me.
She's furious that you're paying for my surgery.
I might have to call her back on that one.
Guys, can we focus.
Yvonne, can Ray call you back, and Leslie wanted me to pass on he's not speaking to you.
We need ideas for all of these.
Hit me.
OK.
Well, I guess I'm instantly seeing the kids pillar.
Maybe it's a picture of Coco wearing the Ammo and she's at the supermarket and her child's having a tantrum, so she's reaching for a fruit bar from the Ammo.
Jesus Christ, Cody.
What are you trying to sell? Painkillers? Well, no, it's just the Ammo is practical for mums.
Dude, you don't want to see your shitty supermarket life on Instagram.
But don't you want people to be able to relate to Coco? Fuck no! I want people to aspire to be Coco.
OK.
Kids on Insta aren't real.
They're like a sheepskin rug, or a bangle, a cute accessory that completes your brand.
"What do you mean, there's no snot or tears, "and you're still beautiful, rich, happy, in love? "I want that fucking Ammo belt you're wearing.
" Well, I've got one for the love pillar.
So, Clay, topless, abs, stretched out on the Egyptian cotton.
At the end of the bed, Coco, back to the camera putting on the Ammo belt.
- That's about Clay.
- Coco loves Clay.
You love Clay.
I'm thinking we need a major travel vibe for this first post.
What about Coco goes bushwalking? The Grampians are spectacular at this time of year.
How many 80-year-old birdwatchers are on Instagram, Ray? Are we actually helping here? Travel is Mediterranean blue water and shitloads of it.
What are you doing here? It's morning.
Did someone die? - Hey, Ray.
- Hey, Alex.
- Leslie.
- Hey.
We're in a meeting.
- Do you know where Dad is? - No.
I need to see him soon.
Alex, fuck off and wait in his office.
(HORN BLARES) Quick pitstop and I'll be in your immediate vicinity very promptly, Bridget.
I really, really will.
Standing by to shut shop.
Just quickly, what sign will you be popping on the door today.
Same as usual.
"Back in five.
" Really? Because I'm actually very confident of a "Back in ten".
Don, is everything alright? I thought you had your weekly meeting at the pop-up shop.
- I do, I just need to get something.
- Oh, good.
I know how much you look forward to your business catch-ups with Bridget.
You really need to get that facial tic looked at, Celeste.
No, I'm winking because I'm not sure how comfortable you are with everyone knowing about Bridget because What is that? Oh, the first shipment of Ammos have arrived.
Look, I've got notes for Ray here, and yours are here.
No, wait, you're are here no, that's receipts.
Take it off, please, Celeste.
You might actually get some work done.
But Sam wants me to road test it for the whole day.
SAM: Deserted tropical, you feel? I'm thinking Greek Islands, Bahamas, ooh, Maldives.
- Turn my engine off, please, Celeste.
- Is that a metaphor, Don? Just turn my car off.
So, no kid, no Clay, just Coco.
Deserted tropical island vibe White sand, palm trees.
No.
On a boat.
Oh, she'll get more likes heading for the horizon.
Pure escape.
(SING-SONG) Just Coco and her Ammo.
You must have forgotten to ask me to the strategy meeting, did you, Sammy? Oh, no, you weren't invited.
That's a shame, because do you know what I would have said if I was? "Strategy's for MBA fuckwits, just sell units"? Yes.
But I would have added that the Ammo is bullshit and off brand for Brrr! What happened to slutty women's clothing? Celeste is wearing it, for God's sake.
It's not off brand.
Are you calling Celeste a slut? Gen Y, Ray, absolutely no respect.
They think it's cool to be wrong.
I'm saying Brrr! Can be bigger than slutty.
What, Samantha, is bigger than slutty? Pornos, maybe, but we're not going down that path, again.
Jesus, Donosaur, it's my job to flog our shit on social.
And it's my job to provide the shit not shit, sausage.
I provide the sausage, you provide the - Bread.
- No.
- Onions? - Don't be smart.
I provide the sausage, you provide the - Sizzle.
- Thank you, Kim.
What the fuck are you doing here? Sam, did I call a staff meeting? I-I am looking at $200 an hour sitting on its arse.
Everyone, up and back to actual work.
I only get $25 an hour.
How much are you getting? $22.
- You look pretty today, Sam.
- Shut up, Kim.
OK.
Can I say one thing not related to how beautiful you are? What? I have Coco's contract.
Let's talk about that later.
No, let's talk about that right now, Kim.
Oh, no, it can wait.
It's just in relation to the first payment.
What first payment? Tell me this has nothing to do with that fucktard belt.
Not just the belt.
It's Coco's retainer for promotion of all of our companies.
Did he just say "retainer"? Yes, I did, Don.
10K a month for four months.
You-you wanna pay someone in advance? Coco is platinum.
But we still pay her like she's aluminium.
She gets paid the same as everyone else.
120 days, unless there's legal action before that.
- Are we clear? - You're missing an opportunity.
Don't tell your Daddy how to have babies.
Oh, that reminds me.
Alex is in your office.
And you don't do any covers? I have to do a couple, because I've only got about 13 originals that I'm happy with.
How much do you want? That's nice.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Alex.
How much do you want? - Why do you presume that I - Quickstix, I'm in a hurry.
OK, fine.
I need a little bit of a financial boost.
Only a couple of grand.
And it's an investment.
Oh, yeah? In what? In me.
I want to record an album.
Oh, bloody hell.
Is it international day of dickhead children? Comes around quickly, doesn't it, Ray? You're calling me a dickhead because I'm trying to make a future for myself? A future, Alex, is a real job.
Wailing your sad sack tunes in between bucket bongs is a hobby.
Would you say that to John Farnham? Oh, he's John Farnham now, Ray.
You're not the voice.
Try and understand it.
Whoa, whoa a-whoa-a-whoa-a-whoa.
I'm saying that music is a real job.
No, a real job is getting your hands dirty doing something you hate.
You want to record an album which, by the way, waste of time, everyone steals music now, you work and earn money to pay for it yourself.
I did work.
I went fruit picking for six months.
Jesus, what is this, a Judi Dench movie? Oh, fruit picking is surprisingly gruelling work.
Oh, you're right, Ray.
Yeah, I need a lie down.
- Look, fine.
- You think I'm lame, whatever.
- Can I have $5,000 or not? - Not.
Ah, bingo.
You need to learn to stand on your own two feet.
Are they what I think they are? I don't know, Ray.
Did they have condoms in 1836? That was the last time, wasn't it? Why do you need them now? Because I am not gonna make this mistake twice.
Classy.
Worth a lot more than five grand in the long run, let me tell you.
Back in 30, Celeste.
Right you are, Don.
Ray, I have Yvonne on the phone again.
(MOUTHS SILENTLY) No.
I think your dad means well.
I can't be certain, obviously.
Have you done your tax? Ah, no, I've never done my tax.
Well, maybe it's worth looking into.
It always came in handy when I was young.
In 1836.
No, before that, when I was really young.
If you only worked for part of the year, you may be due a refund.
You'd have to speak to an accountant.
Have we got one here? Not one that's actually graduated.
I like Maree from H&R Block.
I'll get her number.
DON: Now, how much are my moo moo knock offs going for? BRIDGET: Online retailers have them at $2,850.
- Ooh - But I'm gonna go under.
Are you? By how much? Oh, a few hundred.
I've already got eight preorders, including this one, so - Actually, move up a bit.
- Oh, here we go.
So you're making over $1,500 a chair? Oh, now you're talking.
I don't know which one of us is being taken for a bigger ride.
Yeah.
When will they arrive from Bali? - Ship - Mmm? - .
.
will be docking - Mmm? - .
.
very very - Mmm? - (DOOR OPENS) - Oh.
God.
Oh, not that shortly.
Hey, baby.
What are you doing here? Finished early.
Oh, was there a, ah, hold-up with that steel delivery? Nah, I just wasn't feeling it.
I still get paid, though.
I told the boss I was crook in the guts.
Oh, good boy.
Don Angel.
CEO of Doppelganger Designs, part of the World Wide Business Group.
Is it, ah, David? - Darren.
- My husband.
Darren, that's right.
The fisherman.
How was the trip to Bateman's Bay a couple of weeks ago? Was he away for 10 days? He was away for too long, weren't you, babe? Yeah.
Ah, do you have any cash? I really need to get some beers on the way home.
Well, you're lucky I've had a good morning.
Thanks to me.
I'm Bridget's main supplier.
One of.
Is anyone else giving you what I'm giving you? Tell him about the profit margin on ah, these.
Enough to fit out shop number three.
Hey, could you stop by and finish that shelving on your way home? No worries.
Speaking of finishing, we really should tie up some ah, loose ends, Bridget.
I'm swamped, Don.
Morning! I know.
These plates are incredible, aren't they? Just call me when the chairs come in, Don.
SAM: Turn it up a bit, Vijay.
That's fully lit.
Kim, snappety snap! - Oh, that's awesome, Coco.
- Thank you.
Show me the horizon.
Give me not a fucking care in the world.
Guys, I want her eyes to pop more.
I thought she was on a boat.
The Funny Dunny boxes will be the boat, and they use the green screen so that Leslie can turn it into blue sky and water.
Ooh, it's clever isn't it, Ray? How you can make anyone believe anything.
Oh, speaking of that, Yvonne rang, again.
Leslie's mother.
I know who she is, Celeste.
She asked me to tell you that she "doesn't see how anyone could be at the dentist for 48 hours.
" I lost track of my excuses.
I'm so sorry, Ray.
Oh no, I'm sorry for putting you in that position.
- So, will you call her? - Probably not.
Vijay? Can you Skype the bejeesus out of dirty Made in Bali and find out where my cowhide Holy shitballs, Leslie.
Photoshop? More like PhotoPop! - Can you make my thighs a little - On it.
Standing by to post, L-Dog.
I wish transitioning was this easy.
There, all yours, Sam.
- Sweet! And we are away, people.
- (ALL CHEER) Excuse me, Ray.
Did I email everyone and say let's not give a fuck about work anymore? No, that was me.
Um, is he a part of this? - Not really.
- Yes, really.
I-I am a really, really big part of this.
In fact, I-I am this.
Do you want the kitchen background for the baking shot next, Sammy? Lemon curd and vanilla with an injection of salted caramel.
You can get changed behind the forklift.
No, no, no, no changes at all for the dub dub business group.
I want all of you back to work.
Now, please.
You know what? We've got enough to get the campaign started.
Thanks, everyone.
Holding a leaf blower to your face is a career highlight.
Vijay? I need Bali.
Don Angel.
CEO of this.
Well, thank you.
That was, like, the sweetest 10K I've ever made.
Babe, you can go change in the office and thanks again.
- That post is off the chain.
- No probs.
- Bye.
- Goodbye.
You are grounded.
Fuck off.
I can't believe you've gone over my head.
Why not? Everything else does.
Samantha, this will not work.
Mark my words, this will be just like Crocs.
Worse, at least cooks still wear them.
When this flops, that retainer is coming off your pay.
(PHONE CHIMES) - Fine, but if it works, I want a bonus.
- I want what Coco's getting.
I'm so sorry.
You've caught me with my mouth full.
Hello.
Welcome to the World Wide Business Group.
How can I help you today? I think we may have spoken on the phone.
I'm Yvonne.
Is Ray here? That's his office? Oh, yes.
Ray was trying to call you, Yvonne, but I think I wrote the number down wrongly.
Honestly, my memory, Yvonne! I don't think doing the Sudoku every day makes any difference.
Oh! Ray's not here.
Maybe he's still at the dentist.
Is he ever here? Oh, yes.
He's here, often, when you don't call.
Oh.
Um Actually, Yvonne, now I remember.
'Course, that's right, now I remember.
Yes.
Yes, now I remember.
Ray took out our Don's Dirty Dog Wash trailer for a demo.
That trailer's still outside.
Yes.
That's right.
Because he took it out and then he brought it back.
He had to do that first because then he had a meet with .
.
franchisees to dash L about BM.
What? I don't know, it's business jargon.
Are you just reading anything off the whiteboard? Yvonne, I'm so sorry but I've got a mountain of work to do and I'm afraid I'm just going to have to ask you to leave.
Oh, I am so sorry, Celeste.
- Lucky for you I'm quick on my feet.
- Mmm.
Now, I'm not going to pry, because it's none of my business.
Thank you.
But what did that woman do to you? She lied to me about being Leslie's biological father for 18 years.
Then she left me for Leslie's biological father.
I know that.
What else? - Isn't that enough? - No.
I'm sorry, Ray, it must have been awful for you, but you were hiding.
I thought she must have been like that woman in What's the film about the bunny? Watership Down? Fatal Attraction.
Were you scared she was going to hurt you? No, of course not.
I was scared she was going to talk to me.
When it all happened, I didn't cope well.
Don told me you had a complete mental breakdown, which is how you were able to work here.
Yeah, it was a good fit.
But then time passed on and now I'm - Happy.
- .
.
on permanent contract, and the thought of seeing Yvonne or even speaking with her is About Leslie's breasts? .
.
difficult.
Now finally I'm getting on with my son, who used to be my daughter, who is neither biologically, and I can only manage one complicated family relationship at a time.
Would you like a cup of tea, Ray? Thank you, Celeste.
- White with one.
- I know that, Ray.
Actually, I might just write that down.
WOMAN: (ON TV) Coming up, you've seen him on YouTube, now meet the cat that can act out The Da Vinci Code.
Ooh, I could be late.
Dad, Coco's post has gone viral, and check it! - The Ammo's on Buzzfeed.
- What's Buzzfeed? Don't be a dick! Buzzfeed's Buzzfeed.
Memes and lists and videos so everyone knows what to think.
Look.
"10 reasons why you need to strap on Coco's Ammo belt.
" We've made it! No, we've made it when we sell some belts.
A few clicks doesn't mean diddly.
Don't forget, your generation cries like a baby if it has to pay for anything.
Hey, do you want to stay and watch the Da Vinci Code cat with me? - It's free.
- Welcome back.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Now, I've spent a lot of time - Yes, Dodge? - Morning, Don.
- Are you at work? - Yeah, got in early.
OK.
Well, I'll just say from the outset that you are not paid by the hour, yeah? So, full credit for the enthusiasm but your only remuneration is my praise.
I had to come in.
Our server crashed.
Oh, they design them that way, Sammy, so you have to replace them.
No Don, it fell over because we've been smashed by online orders.
- What for? - The Ammo.
Ah, can you pick up some more of these postpacks for Cody? How many does he need? Yeah.
Um can you get me 8,420? Ah, no, 30.
Ah, 40.
Get me 9,000.
What a morning.
(CHUCKLES) Isn't she glorious? This, right now, is the most exciting times of your lives.
Ray, just stop what you're doing for a second.
Everyone, I want you to clock this moment.
Does anyone know what this feeling is? This is the feeling of some very serious coin being made.
And it's special.
Colonel Cody.
Oh, outstanding, soldier.
Oh, no, no.
I can't take credit, Don.
Olivia thought it up in the first place and then what Sam did with Coco, and this guy, he-he designed it.
He made it work.
Sing a song of sixpence, Ray.
Where was the king? Was he in the parlour? No, the king was in his counting house, counting all his money.
Oh, that's right, the queen was in the parlour, eating bread and honey.
Some sort of high carb diet.
More like trying to work out how to get 50% of everything the king earned, but not this lot.
No, siree! - YVONNE: Hello, Ray.
- Fuck.
LESLIE: Are you kidding me? Oh, you're talking to me now? Only to say how dare you come to my work.
I need to speak to Ray.
No.
You don't.
You just want to poison him against me.
No.
It's alright, Leslie.
No-one's poisoning anybody, except for Ashley who's doing her fair share with faulty manufacturing.
I don't know why you're making jokes.
That wasn't a joke.
We have to talk.
- Oh, my God, can you just - It's alright, Leslie.
Your mother and I can talk.
Where? We couldn't have gone to your office? It's good to get out every couple of days for a bit of advertising.
You can't be serious, Ray.
No, it's surprisingly effective.
I mean about Leslie.
You can't seriously be considering paying for her surgeries.
His surgeries.
Do you even hear how ridiculous that sounds? You are being so indulgent.
- She's living with you.
- He's.
- She's working with you.
- He's.
Don't tell me what to call my child.
You have no right to be involved in these decisions.
- She's not your daughter.
- No.
He's my son.
That's not what I meant.
MAN: How much to do my dirty bulldog? I meant, you're not actually her father.
How is the sperm donor? - Jerome.
- Jerome.
I wouldn't know.
He couldn't cope with Leslie's transitioning at all.
He left.
We couldn't stop fighting.
Did he blame you? No.
He blamed you.
What a cockneck.
Well, he blamed you because while we were trying to stop it, you were enabling it.
My little girl.
Is a man, Yvonne.
Raymondo.
Put your wetsuit on, Sammy.
It is time to ride the wave.
Alrighty, the tennis player who went out with the chef.
Ooh, the gardener with the drug problem.
The lesbian sisters from the reno show.
Brilliant.
Twofer.
- Sexy lesbians.
Sign 'em all up.
- No.
Sammy, we need more of your influencers influencing the Ammo.
You still don't think I know what I'm doing.
Sam, I don't see success like this every day.
I know, which is why I want my 10K bonus.
Oh, good girl.
Leverage.
Very proud.
I mean it.
Kim! Is this about dinner? Because I'm free.
No, it's about my 10K bonus.
Absolutely.
Payable today, Don? Dad.
Ah, I'm gonna have to deal with your brother.
You know what he's like.
So let's put a pin in this very important issue.
Alex, let me buy you a cup of tea.
Do you need more condoms? I've got a tax bill of $17,000.
- Who said? - Maree at H&R Block.
Why would anyone go to an accountant that sounds like part of a prison? - Ray told me to.
- Ray! How can you have a tax bill of $17,000? You only worked for six months picking fruit.
No, I've been earning for much longer.
Since I was 14.
That's how long I've been part of the family trust, isn't it, Dad? Did H&R Block google that? Fucking disgusting.
That is my personal information.
Ray, now do you see why I use the name Candice on any online forms? I've earned $50,000 a year for six years.
But I've never seen any of it.
'Course you've never seen any of it, Alex.
It's not your money.
It's in my name.
It's called tax minimisation, Alex.
It's one of the few benefits of having a family, and why family is the cornerstone of society.
You're stealing from me.
No.
I'm bloody not, am I, Ray? Actually, you're stealing from the government.
I'm not stealing from bloody anybody.
A family trust is a perfectly legal form of tax avoidance.
I pay you on the books and I pay your tax bill, every year, by the way.
You're welcome.
Maree said my fruit picking would have given me a tax return of $6,500.
- This Maree's a real find.
- Thank you, Ray.
I want my money.
You want me to give you $6,500? No, I want $50,000 times six that you paid me "on the books".
(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) How big are the balls on this kid, Ray? Maree said I could contest it.
Elephantine.
She said people contest family trusts all the time.
That kids can refuse to "gift back" the money they've earned.
You don't know how to contest a parking fine, Alex.
Maree said it's a straightforward procedure with the ATO.
Did she? I've got the forms.
Kim! How disappointing that this is the most I've seen you use your bong-addled brain in a decade.
Yes, Don? Put $6,500 into Alex's account.
- That's not what I asked for.
- Going .
.
going.
Fine.
- Thanks for your help, Ray.
- Oh, yes.
Beg your pardon.
Thank you, Ray.
Did you want to give Alex anyone else's number? Optometrist? Tailor? Arse doctor? I don't have a tailor.
Before you make that transfer, Kim.
Pay Sam her $10,000 bonus for the work she's done today.
- Thanks, Daddy! - No worries.
There he is! It's my small businessman of the year.
Hello! It's the first lady of temporary retail premises.
Ooh, Bridget, what are we celebrating? Well, Don, of course.
Could you grab us a couple of glasses? So, how many of these have you sold, my clever thing? Let's just say it's been a very big day at the World Wide Business Group, Bridget.
- Has it? - It has.
Well, it's about to get a whole lot bigger.
Is it? Could I see you in your office, urgently? You're gonna fuck me wearing nothing but my Ammo.
Actually, Kimbo? Give Sammy 15 thousand.
I love small business.
Ashley, remind me of where we are going? Mediation.
So what are you wearing? What are YOU wearing? You sell toxic pineapple-scented rubbers that have left children dangerously ill.
Did you hear that, Samantha? That-that was the sound of an arse dropping out of a golden goose.
The Ammo is fucked, and its all Coco's fault.
She made you 600K and she will again if you let me do my job.
The AFP handle complaints from the public.
We've been accused of breaching community standards.
I thought it'd be funny to add some hydraulics so the dog moves in and out, and we see a couple of inches of his cock.
- Did you get my present? - I sure did.
And it is so fucking hot! Who is this Coco you keep talking about? She's very, very famous on Instagram.
To have built what you both have built, from doing nothing.
We have just caught a marlin.
Introducing to you all the Ammo! DON: What is this? - It's the Brrr! Summer range.
- No.
It's not.
So, we've got the Ammo, and Coco.
Hot product plus premium influencer, multiplied by five pillars of Instagram branding equals jugger-fucking-naut.
Which of these pillars will best launch the Ammo into the zeitgeist? - Sam, sorry to interrupt - Oh, how's the Ammo, Celeste? Ammozing.
I thought of that myself.
Hashtag ammozing.
Is that helpful? - Love it.
- 'Cause it honestly is.
It's the Rolls Royce of bumbags.
Oh, the Bentley of bumbags.
- Hashtag - Did you want something, Celeste? Oh yes, sorry.
I've got Yvonne on the phone.
My mother Yvonne? I can't believe she's called the office.
Can you tell her I'm not speaking to her? - Actually, she wants to speak to Ray.
- Me? She says she doesn't have your mobile.
It's about me.
She's furious that you're paying for my surgery.
I might have to call her back on that one.
Guys, can we focus.
Yvonne, can Ray call you back, and Leslie wanted me to pass on he's not speaking to you.
We need ideas for all of these.
Hit me.
OK.
Well, I guess I'm instantly seeing the kids pillar.
Maybe it's a picture of Coco wearing the Ammo and she's at the supermarket and her child's having a tantrum, so she's reaching for a fruit bar from the Ammo.
Jesus Christ, Cody.
What are you trying to sell? Painkillers? Well, no, it's just the Ammo is practical for mums.
Dude, you don't want to see your shitty supermarket life on Instagram.
But don't you want people to be able to relate to Coco? Fuck no! I want people to aspire to be Coco.
OK.
Kids on Insta aren't real.
They're like a sheepskin rug, or a bangle, a cute accessory that completes your brand.
"What do you mean, there's no snot or tears, "and you're still beautiful, rich, happy, in love? "I want that fucking Ammo belt you're wearing.
" Well, I've got one for the love pillar.
So, Clay, topless, abs, stretched out on the Egyptian cotton.
At the end of the bed, Coco, back to the camera putting on the Ammo belt.
- That's about Clay.
- Coco loves Clay.
You love Clay.
I'm thinking we need a major travel vibe for this first post.
What about Coco goes bushwalking? The Grampians are spectacular at this time of year.
How many 80-year-old birdwatchers are on Instagram, Ray? Are we actually helping here? Travel is Mediterranean blue water and shitloads of it.
What are you doing here? It's morning.
Did someone die? - Hey, Ray.
- Hey, Alex.
- Leslie.
- Hey.
We're in a meeting.
- Do you know where Dad is? - No.
I need to see him soon.
Alex, fuck off and wait in his office.
(HORN BLARES) Quick pitstop and I'll be in your immediate vicinity very promptly, Bridget.
I really, really will.
Standing by to shut shop.
Just quickly, what sign will you be popping on the door today.
Same as usual.
"Back in five.
" Really? Because I'm actually very confident of a "Back in ten".
Don, is everything alright? I thought you had your weekly meeting at the pop-up shop.
- I do, I just need to get something.
- Oh, good.
I know how much you look forward to your business catch-ups with Bridget.
You really need to get that facial tic looked at, Celeste.
No, I'm winking because I'm not sure how comfortable you are with everyone knowing about Bridget because What is that? Oh, the first shipment of Ammos have arrived.
Look, I've got notes for Ray here, and yours are here.
No, wait, you're are here no, that's receipts.
Take it off, please, Celeste.
You might actually get some work done.
But Sam wants me to road test it for the whole day.
SAM: Deserted tropical, you feel? I'm thinking Greek Islands, Bahamas, ooh, Maldives.
- Turn my engine off, please, Celeste.
- Is that a metaphor, Don? Just turn my car off.
So, no kid, no Clay, just Coco.
Deserted tropical island vibe White sand, palm trees.
No.
On a boat.
Oh, she'll get more likes heading for the horizon.
Pure escape.
(SING-SONG) Just Coco and her Ammo.
You must have forgotten to ask me to the strategy meeting, did you, Sammy? Oh, no, you weren't invited.
That's a shame, because do you know what I would have said if I was? "Strategy's for MBA fuckwits, just sell units"? Yes.
But I would have added that the Ammo is bullshit and off brand for Brrr! What happened to slutty women's clothing? Celeste is wearing it, for God's sake.
It's not off brand.
Are you calling Celeste a slut? Gen Y, Ray, absolutely no respect.
They think it's cool to be wrong.
I'm saying Brrr! Can be bigger than slutty.
What, Samantha, is bigger than slutty? Pornos, maybe, but we're not going down that path, again.
Jesus, Donosaur, it's my job to flog our shit on social.
And it's my job to provide the shit not shit, sausage.
I provide the sausage, you provide the - Bread.
- No.
- Onions? - Don't be smart.
I provide the sausage, you provide the - Sizzle.
- Thank you, Kim.
What the fuck are you doing here? Sam, did I call a staff meeting? I-I am looking at $200 an hour sitting on its arse.
Everyone, up and back to actual work.
I only get $25 an hour.
How much are you getting? $22.
- You look pretty today, Sam.
- Shut up, Kim.
OK.
Can I say one thing not related to how beautiful you are? What? I have Coco's contract.
Let's talk about that later.
No, let's talk about that right now, Kim.
Oh, no, it can wait.
It's just in relation to the first payment.
What first payment? Tell me this has nothing to do with that fucktard belt.
Not just the belt.
It's Coco's retainer for promotion of all of our companies.
Did he just say "retainer"? Yes, I did, Don.
10K a month for four months.
You-you wanna pay someone in advance? Coco is platinum.
But we still pay her like she's aluminium.
She gets paid the same as everyone else.
120 days, unless there's legal action before that.
- Are we clear? - You're missing an opportunity.
Don't tell your Daddy how to have babies.
Oh, that reminds me.
Alex is in your office.
And you don't do any covers? I have to do a couple, because I've only got about 13 originals that I'm happy with.
How much do you want? That's nice.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Alex.
How much do you want? - Why do you presume that I - Quickstix, I'm in a hurry.
OK, fine.
I need a little bit of a financial boost.
Only a couple of grand.
And it's an investment.
Oh, yeah? In what? In me.
I want to record an album.
Oh, bloody hell.
Is it international day of dickhead children? Comes around quickly, doesn't it, Ray? You're calling me a dickhead because I'm trying to make a future for myself? A future, Alex, is a real job.
Wailing your sad sack tunes in between bucket bongs is a hobby.
Would you say that to John Farnham? Oh, he's John Farnham now, Ray.
You're not the voice.
Try and understand it.
Whoa, whoa a-whoa-a-whoa-a-whoa.
I'm saying that music is a real job.
No, a real job is getting your hands dirty doing something you hate.
You want to record an album which, by the way, waste of time, everyone steals music now, you work and earn money to pay for it yourself.
I did work.
I went fruit picking for six months.
Jesus, what is this, a Judi Dench movie? Oh, fruit picking is surprisingly gruelling work.
Oh, you're right, Ray.
Yeah, I need a lie down.
- Look, fine.
- You think I'm lame, whatever.
- Can I have $5,000 or not? - Not.
Ah, bingo.
You need to learn to stand on your own two feet.
Are they what I think they are? I don't know, Ray.
Did they have condoms in 1836? That was the last time, wasn't it? Why do you need them now? Because I am not gonna make this mistake twice.
Classy.
Worth a lot more than five grand in the long run, let me tell you.
Back in 30, Celeste.
Right you are, Don.
Ray, I have Yvonne on the phone again.
(MOUTHS SILENTLY) No.
I think your dad means well.
I can't be certain, obviously.
Have you done your tax? Ah, no, I've never done my tax.
Well, maybe it's worth looking into.
It always came in handy when I was young.
In 1836.
No, before that, when I was really young.
If you only worked for part of the year, you may be due a refund.
You'd have to speak to an accountant.
Have we got one here? Not one that's actually graduated.
I like Maree from H&R Block.
I'll get her number.
DON: Now, how much are my moo moo knock offs going for? BRIDGET: Online retailers have them at $2,850.
- Ooh - But I'm gonna go under.
Are you? By how much? Oh, a few hundred.
I've already got eight preorders, including this one, so - Actually, move up a bit.
- Oh, here we go.
So you're making over $1,500 a chair? Oh, now you're talking.
I don't know which one of us is being taken for a bigger ride.
Yeah.
When will they arrive from Bali? - Ship - Mmm? - .
.
will be docking - Mmm? - .
.
very very - Mmm? - (DOOR OPENS) - Oh.
God.
Oh, not that shortly.
Hey, baby.
What are you doing here? Finished early.
Oh, was there a, ah, hold-up with that steel delivery? Nah, I just wasn't feeling it.
I still get paid, though.
I told the boss I was crook in the guts.
Oh, good boy.
Don Angel.
CEO of Doppelganger Designs, part of the World Wide Business Group.
Is it, ah, David? - Darren.
- My husband.
Darren, that's right.
The fisherman.
How was the trip to Bateman's Bay a couple of weeks ago? Was he away for 10 days? He was away for too long, weren't you, babe? Yeah.
Ah, do you have any cash? I really need to get some beers on the way home.
Well, you're lucky I've had a good morning.
Thanks to me.
I'm Bridget's main supplier.
One of.
Is anyone else giving you what I'm giving you? Tell him about the profit margin on ah, these.
Enough to fit out shop number three.
Hey, could you stop by and finish that shelving on your way home? No worries.
Speaking of finishing, we really should tie up some ah, loose ends, Bridget.
I'm swamped, Don.
Morning! I know.
These plates are incredible, aren't they? Just call me when the chairs come in, Don.
SAM: Turn it up a bit, Vijay.
That's fully lit.
Kim, snappety snap! - Oh, that's awesome, Coco.
- Thank you.
Show me the horizon.
Give me not a fucking care in the world.
Guys, I want her eyes to pop more.
I thought she was on a boat.
The Funny Dunny boxes will be the boat, and they use the green screen so that Leslie can turn it into blue sky and water.
Ooh, it's clever isn't it, Ray? How you can make anyone believe anything.
Oh, speaking of that, Yvonne rang, again.
Leslie's mother.
I know who she is, Celeste.
She asked me to tell you that she "doesn't see how anyone could be at the dentist for 48 hours.
" I lost track of my excuses.
I'm so sorry, Ray.
Oh no, I'm sorry for putting you in that position.
- So, will you call her? - Probably not.
Vijay? Can you Skype the bejeesus out of dirty Made in Bali and find out where my cowhide Holy shitballs, Leslie.
Photoshop? More like PhotoPop! - Can you make my thighs a little - On it.
Standing by to post, L-Dog.
I wish transitioning was this easy.
There, all yours, Sam.
- Sweet! And we are away, people.
- (ALL CHEER) Excuse me, Ray.
Did I email everyone and say let's not give a fuck about work anymore? No, that was me.
Um, is he a part of this? - Not really.
- Yes, really.
I-I am a really, really big part of this.
In fact, I-I am this.
Do you want the kitchen background for the baking shot next, Sammy? Lemon curd and vanilla with an injection of salted caramel.
You can get changed behind the forklift.
No, no, no, no changes at all for the dub dub business group.
I want all of you back to work.
Now, please.
You know what? We've got enough to get the campaign started.
Thanks, everyone.
Holding a leaf blower to your face is a career highlight.
Vijay? I need Bali.
Don Angel.
CEO of this.
Well, thank you.
That was, like, the sweetest 10K I've ever made.
Babe, you can go change in the office and thanks again.
- That post is off the chain.
- No probs.
- Bye.
- Goodbye.
You are grounded.
Fuck off.
I can't believe you've gone over my head.
Why not? Everything else does.
Samantha, this will not work.
Mark my words, this will be just like Crocs.
Worse, at least cooks still wear them.
When this flops, that retainer is coming off your pay.
(PHONE CHIMES) - Fine, but if it works, I want a bonus.
- I want what Coco's getting.
I'm so sorry.
You've caught me with my mouth full.
Hello.
Welcome to the World Wide Business Group.
How can I help you today? I think we may have spoken on the phone.
I'm Yvonne.
Is Ray here? That's his office? Oh, yes.
Ray was trying to call you, Yvonne, but I think I wrote the number down wrongly.
Honestly, my memory, Yvonne! I don't think doing the Sudoku every day makes any difference.
Oh! Ray's not here.
Maybe he's still at the dentist.
Is he ever here? Oh, yes.
He's here, often, when you don't call.
Oh.
Um Actually, Yvonne, now I remember.
'Course, that's right, now I remember.
Yes.
Yes, now I remember.
Ray took out our Don's Dirty Dog Wash trailer for a demo.
That trailer's still outside.
Yes.
That's right.
Because he took it out and then he brought it back.
He had to do that first because then he had a meet with .
.
franchisees to dash L about BM.
What? I don't know, it's business jargon.
Are you just reading anything off the whiteboard? Yvonne, I'm so sorry but I've got a mountain of work to do and I'm afraid I'm just going to have to ask you to leave.
Oh, I am so sorry, Celeste.
- Lucky for you I'm quick on my feet.
- Mmm.
Now, I'm not going to pry, because it's none of my business.
Thank you.
But what did that woman do to you? She lied to me about being Leslie's biological father for 18 years.
Then she left me for Leslie's biological father.
I know that.
What else? - Isn't that enough? - No.
I'm sorry, Ray, it must have been awful for you, but you were hiding.
I thought she must have been like that woman in What's the film about the bunny? Watership Down? Fatal Attraction.
Were you scared she was going to hurt you? No, of course not.
I was scared she was going to talk to me.
When it all happened, I didn't cope well.
Don told me you had a complete mental breakdown, which is how you were able to work here.
Yeah, it was a good fit.
But then time passed on and now I'm - Happy.
- .
.
on permanent contract, and the thought of seeing Yvonne or even speaking with her is About Leslie's breasts? .
.
difficult.
Now finally I'm getting on with my son, who used to be my daughter, who is neither biologically, and I can only manage one complicated family relationship at a time.
Would you like a cup of tea, Ray? Thank you, Celeste.
- White with one.
- I know that, Ray.
Actually, I might just write that down.
WOMAN: (ON TV) Coming up, you've seen him on YouTube, now meet the cat that can act out The Da Vinci Code.
Ooh, I could be late.
Dad, Coco's post has gone viral, and check it! - The Ammo's on Buzzfeed.
- What's Buzzfeed? Don't be a dick! Buzzfeed's Buzzfeed.
Memes and lists and videos so everyone knows what to think.
Look.
"10 reasons why you need to strap on Coco's Ammo belt.
" We've made it! No, we've made it when we sell some belts.
A few clicks doesn't mean diddly.
Don't forget, your generation cries like a baby if it has to pay for anything.
Hey, do you want to stay and watch the Da Vinci Code cat with me? - It's free.
- Welcome back.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Now, I've spent a lot of time - Yes, Dodge? - Morning, Don.
- Are you at work? - Yeah, got in early.
OK.
Well, I'll just say from the outset that you are not paid by the hour, yeah? So, full credit for the enthusiasm but your only remuneration is my praise.
I had to come in.
Our server crashed.
Oh, they design them that way, Sammy, so you have to replace them.
No Don, it fell over because we've been smashed by online orders.
- What for? - The Ammo.
Ah, can you pick up some more of these postpacks for Cody? How many does he need? Yeah.
Um can you get me 8,420? Ah, no, 30.
Ah, 40.
Get me 9,000.
What a morning.
(CHUCKLES) Isn't she glorious? This, right now, is the most exciting times of your lives.
Ray, just stop what you're doing for a second.
Everyone, I want you to clock this moment.
Does anyone know what this feeling is? This is the feeling of some very serious coin being made.
And it's special.
Colonel Cody.
Oh, outstanding, soldier.
Oh, no, no.
I can't take credit, Don.
Olivia thought it up in the first place and then what Sam did with Coco, and this guy, he-he designed it.
He made it work.
Sing a song of sixpence, Ray.
Where was the king? Was he in the parlour? No, the king was in his counting house, counting all his money.
Oh, that's right, the queen was in the parlour, eating bread and honey.
Some sort of high carb diet.
More like trying to work out how to get 50% of everything the king earned, but not this lot.
No, siree! - YVONNE: Hello, Ray.
- Fuck.
LESLIE: Are you kidding me? Oh, you're talking to me now? Only to say how dare you come to my work.
I need to speak to Ray.
No.
You don't.
You just want to poison him against me.
No.
It's alright, Leslie.
No-one's poisoning anybody, except for Ashley who's doing her fair share with faulty manufacturing.
I don't know why you're making jokes.
That wasn't a joke.
We have to talk.
- Oh, my God, can you just - It's alright, Leslie.
Your mother and I can talk.
Where? We couldn't have gone to your office? It's good to get out every couple of days for a bit of advertising.
You can't be serious, Ray.
No, it's surprisingly effective.
I mean about Leslie.
You can't seriously be considering paying for her surgeries.
His surgeries.
Do you even hear how ridiculous that sounds? You are being so indulgent.
- She's living with you.
- He's.
- She's working with you.
- He's.
Don't tell me what to call my child.
You have no right to be involved in these decisions.
- She's not your daughter.
- No.
He's my son.
That's not what I meant.
MAN: How much to do my dirty bulldog? I meant, you're not actually her father.
How is the sperm donor? - Jerome.
- Jerome.
I wouldn't know.
He couldn't cope with Leslie's transitioning at all.
He left.
We couldn't stop fighting.
Did he blame you? No.
He blamed you.
What a cockneck.
Well, he blamed you because while we were trying to stop it, you were enabling it.
My little girl.
Is a man, Yvonne.
Raymondo.
Put your wetsuit on, Sammy.
It is time to ride the wave.
Alrighty, the tennis player who went out with the chef.
Ooh, the gardener with the drug problem.
The lesbian sisters from the reno show.
Brilliant.
Twofer.
- Sexy lesbians.
Sign 'em all up.
- No.
Sammy, we need more of your influencers influencing the Ammo.
You still don't think I know what I'm doing.
Sam, I don't see success like this every day.
I know, which is why I want my 10K bonus.
Oh, good girl.
Leverage.
Very proud.
I mean it.
Kim! Is this about dinner? Because I'm free.
No, it's about my 10K bonus.
Absolutely.
Payable today, Don? Dad.
Ah, I'm gonna have to deal with your brother.
You know what he's like.
So let's put a pin in this very important issue.
Alex, let me buy you a cup of tea.
Do you need more condoms? I've got a tax bill of $17,000.
- Who said? - Maree at H&R Block.
Why would anyone go to an accountant that sounds like part of a prison? - Ray told me to.
- Ray! How can you have a tax bill of $17,000? You only worked for six months picking fruit.
No, I've been earning for much longer.
Since I was 14.
That's how long I've been part of the family trust, isn't it, Dad? Did H&R Block google that? Fucking disgusting.
That is my personal information.
Ray, now do you see why I use the name Candice on any online forms? I've earned $50,000 a year for six years.
But I've never seen any of it.
'Course you've never seen any of it, Alex.
It's not your money.
It's in my name.
It's called tax minimisation, Alex.
It's one of the few benefits of having a family, and why family is the cornerstone of society.
You're stealing from me.
No.
I'm bloody not, am I, Ray? Actually, you're stealing from the government.
I'm not stealing from bloody anybody.
A family trust is a perfectly legal form of tax avoidance.
I pay you on the books and I pay your tax bill, every year, by the way.
You're welcome.
Maree said my fruit picking would have given me a tax return of $6,500.
- This Maree's a real find.
- Thank you, Ray.
I want my money.
You want me to give you $6,500? No, I want $50,000 times six that you paid me "on the books".
(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) How big are the balls on this kid, Ray? Maree said I could contest it.
Elephantine.
She said people contest family trusts all the time.
That kids can refuse to "gift back" the money they've earned.
You don't know how to contest a parking fine, Alex.
Maree said it's a straightforward procedure with the ATO.
Did she? I've got the forms.
Kim! How disappointing that this is the most I've seen you use your bong-addled brain in a decade.
Yes, Don? Put $6,500 into Alex's account.
- That's not what I asked for.
- Going .
.
going.
Fine.
- Thanks for your help, Ray.
- Oh, yes.
Beg your pardon.
Thank you, Ray.
Did you want to give Alex anyone else's number? Optometrist? Tailor? Arse doctor? I don't have a tailor.
Before you make that transfer, Kim.
Pay Sam her $10,000 bonus for the work she's done today.
- Thanks, Daddy! - No worries.
There he is! It's my small businessman of the year.
Hello! It's the first lady of temporary retail premises.
Ooh, Bridget, what are we celebrating? Well, Don, of course.
Could you grab us a couple of glasses? So, how many of these have you sold, my clever thing? Let's just say it's been a very big day at the World Wide Business Group, Bridget.
- Has it? - It has.
Well, it's about to get a whole lot bigger.
Is it? Could I see you in your office, urgently? You're gonna fuck me wearing nothing but my Ammo.
Actually, Kimbo? Give Sammy 15 thousand.
I love small business.
Ashley, remind me of where we are going? Mediation.
So what are you wearing? What are YOU wearing? You sell toxic pineapple-scented rubbers that have left children dangerously ill.
Did you hear that, Samantha? That-that was the sound of an arse dropping out of a golden goose.
The Ammo is fucked, and its all Coco's fault.
She made you 600K and she will again if you let me do my job.
The AFP handle complaints from the public.
We've been accused of breaching community standards.
I thought it'd be funny to add some hydraulics so the dog moves in and out, and we see a couple of inches of his cock.