Badults (2013) s01e03 Episode Script
Film
1 Come on, Matthew.
We're ready to start playing.
Oh, I love Guess Who.
Does he have long hair? No.
No.
Is it Tom? Yes! Brilliant.
My turn.
Does he wear glasses? Yes! Yes! Is it Matthew? Hey-oh! My turn.
Did he, as an ill-advised treat for his now ex-girlfriend, once shave off all of his pubic hair? I don't want to play this game.
I've got a big day at work tomorrow.
I need to find my old suit.
Whoa! I didn't realise I still had this.
That's my camera.
Oh, come on, mate.
We're best friends.
We share everything.
The only thing you've ever shared with me is your athlete's foot.
You're welcome.
Aha! There it is.
Old Faithful.
Still as good as new.
Hey, Ben, I'll give you a fiver to run into that wall.
You don't have to do that, Ben.
I do.
I'm broke.
How else am I going to earn money? Get a job? This programme contains some strong language.
Ah, lens cap.
Take two? Still fits great.
To think I've not worn this since graduation.
Sweet potato.
Hoy! Tom! What are you doing? Keep down! The creature's vision is based on movement.
Tom, it's too early for this.
Not if you haven't been to bed.
Ah! Huarrgh! Shh! It stirs! Tom, enough.
I'm going to work.
What? No! Turn the light off! Turn the light off! Roooaaar! Arrrghhh! Roooaaarghhh! Whoa! Matthew! Why are you dressed as an orphan ghost? Why are you dressed like What are you dressed like? Half dinosaur, half fish.
Ben's in my first film.
I'm the producer, writer, director, and Ben is dressed like a twat.
The star! Do you want that £5 or not? He was just a normal everyday dinosaur until one day he was bitten by a radioactive fish and turned into Piranhasaurus Rex.
It's a working title.
That title is not working.
Fancy a role? Sure.
So do I! Bacon, please! Oh, you're the caterer.
I can help out tonight, but I can't bunk off work.
Carabine's doing this apprentice thing, where one of his interns gets hired and the rest get you know.
To pull his finger? No! Fired.
Oh.
My sister put me forward for it.
That'll be her now.
What the hell is Ben supposed to be? Jurassic Shark? Jurassic Shark.
Damn it, that's better.
Come on, Matthew, we've gotta go.
Oh, my God.
You've actually managed to find an outfit that's too small even for you! Too small? Old Faithful's perfect.
Ooh.
I'll put on some slacks.
I brought your post up for you.
Isn't that supposed to be your job, Tom? I'll soon be quitting as a postman to pursue more artistic endeavours.
Oh, lots of angry red writing there for you, Ben.
Oh, this is fine.
The bank's always saying this.
No biggie.
I'll just have to start tightening my belt.
That's all.
Oh! No, Ben! I need you for my film.
Speaking of which, Piranhasaurus Rex needs a leading lady.
You'd be perfect.
She's an investigative journalist who struggles with a a debilitating allergy to clothes.
Let me show you my casting couch.
Let me show you my punching fists.
OK, OK! I'll find somebody else to play Mammary Buttocksworth.
What's this? Oh! Aargh! That's the finale ruined! Well, never mind, this is all good stuff.
Action! Rachel! You got a part in the film? Congratulations! Bacon roll? Come on, Matthew, we've got to go.
See you later.
Codzilla! Codzilla? Damn it! She's good at that.
Isn't she, Ben? Ben? Oh.
Clever girl.
Ruargh! When are you and the Chuckle Brothers going to grow up? I mean, look at me and Andrew.
We don't play at movie-making.
We're redecorating.
We're consulting tone charts, looking at colour schemes.
Did you know there are over 100 different shades of white? Ice white, snow white, lily white Jack White, Diamond White.
Barry White.
I'm being serious.
You need to stop playing make-believe with your stupid friends.
You'd never catch me doing that.
I'm proud to say that my boyfriend has no interest in dressing up or role-play.
That's a shame, Rachel.
Oh! Ha-ha.
Mr Carabine! Yeah, personally, I won't go near Mrs Carabine unless she's dressed like The Stig.
Well, welcome.
Er bienvenue to the first Carabine Promotions Apprentice Initiative.
Now I'm assuming that you've all seen The Apprentice? Oh, you've haven't seen The Apprentice? Oh, well!! Ha.
You're fired! Ha-ha.
No, seriously, you're fired.
Fuck off.
And then there were two.
So, Intern 2.
Why do you want to stop interning and become full-time? Money? Mm Is is not a motivating factor.
I'm all about working my way up to the top.
One day, I want to be sat right there.
On my lap? No, this is years in the future.
You're not in the chair.
You're I don't know, retired or dead.
Anyway, tomorrow you will both be pitching to Cooks Kitchenware, a massive potential client for us.
At which juncture, I would like to call upon Rachel, my second-in-command.
There she goes.
What do you see here? A spoon.
A spoon! Oh, but it's more than just a spoon.
Yes! PowerPoint! What we have here is an opportunity.
An oppor-spoonity? An opportunity to change the face of your dining experience for ever.
Well, that's going to cost a fortune to mend.
No worries.
There you go.
I don't think this is the answer to your money problems, Ben.
Is that Queen Latifah? All right, plan B.
I'll sell my organs online.
Whoa! No, Ben.
You need to face your debt with the bank head-on.
Do you know what I think? You're afraid.
If you try, you might fail.
You don't know what it's like to fail, Tom.
To really fail.
It was 1995.
It was cold.
Casual-jacket cold, not winter-coat cold.
The church hall had no heating.
I didn't know what I was getting into.
I'd never done a sponsored silence before.
With £300 in sponsorship pledged, we stood every chance of beating those Brownies to the annual junior fundraising trophy.
But then, with only one minute to go, II One minute to go! And so I know, Ben.
We got disqualified and lost the trophy.
The Brownies had a field day.
Yeah, they won a visit to a Roman fort.
And didn't they let us know about it! Losers! Losers! And the £300 sponsorship money went uncollected.
Losers! Losers! Because of me.
That's why I keep that sponsorship form there.
To remind me of the price of failure.
No.
Don't try and stop me.
I'm selling my organs.
So, in conclusion, this is not just a spoon.
This is your spoon.
This is my spoon.
This is the spoon of a generation.
Wonderful, Rachel, wonderful! So, both of you take a Cooks Kitchenware utensil, and let's get those creative juices flowing.
Now, Intern 1, what are your initial thoughts? Unlock potato potential with a Cooks Kitchenware potato pummeller.
Excellent.
Yes, well.
Rachel's brother? Sorry, Intern 2.
No nepotism here.
Well, I have the, er the spatula.
It's ideal for spatuling.
II suppose, like Rachel's spoon, this isn't just my spatula.
This is our spatula! Arse spatula? A spatula for your arse?! No, no, that's disgusting! No.
Listen, if you're going to actually sell these utensils you have to find a way of making them sensational, exciting, sexy.
Without putting them up your arse! Arse spatula? Matthew, I got you this job so just, please, don't embarrass me.
You've got tonight to come up with something, and it better be good.
I can't do tonight.
I'm helping Tom make Pirhanasaurus Rex.
You'd risk your job to help out Steven Spiel-berk? You'd planned that one, hadn't you? Yeah.
I've been thinking of them all morning.
I also had James Ca-Moron and Frances Ford Floppola.
Alfred Hitch-cock? That's his actual name.
There was a time you used to join in with our games.
Join in? When you played cowboys and Indians, I was the Indian.
When you guys played medieval France, guess who was Joan of Arc.
And when you played Nazi-occupied Europe You were a great Anne Frank.
Six hours I was in that attic! I know.
I read your diary.
Look, Tom, Ben and I, we're the Secret Dude Society.
We made a solemn promise to stick together no matter what.
You made that promise when you were 11.
And when you were 11, you used to stick little eyes on a carrot and call it Jasper.
Do you still do that? No.
Look, don't tell Carabine but I've made some notes to help you out.
Just don't let those dickheads distract you.
Oi, you can't just leave me here! At least take me home! Aw.
Maybe make me into a soup.
All right, Jasper.
How do you feel about coleslaw? Guys, I need your help.
Get on the floor! Now! Arrgh! Take whatever you want! Do as I say, else I'll do you over! Please don't hurt me! I've a weak heart! And cut! Great work, guys! Ben.
There's your £5.
What about my share of the diamonds? Oh.
Tom, what have you done to the flat? Well, Ben's troubles with the bank gave me an idea.
A heist film! A cheeky British crime caper with bad dance music and a cockney voiceover.
The Italian Job meets Cool Hand Luke.
The Cool Hand Job? But I need to work on this.
Nope.
What you need to do is fix your broken camera.
And fix me a bacon roll.
No, you need to help me make this spatula sexy.
Are you laughing at the word "sexy"? Yeah.
No.
I was laughing at the word "spatula".
Guys, we're supposed to be a team.
What's the Secret Dude Society's motto? Hello, baby! No, the one we all agreed on.
The one about friendship.
Seriously? Oh, well, that didn't go well.
At least I've learnt a new word.
Spatula.
Brilliant.
Right.
Target demographic, strong professional women.
Top-of-mind in-store brand awareness.
Argh! What does any of this mean, Rachel? OK.
Sexy.
Sexy.
Spatula.
Sexy.
I want utensils that are sexy.
Don't let the dickheads distract you.
Sexy.
Sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy Oh! I'm a sexy spatula Mm Ooh, he's a sexy spatula I wanna make some eggs I'm a lonely bachelor Well, you can use me cos I'm a sexy spatula Oh, yeah Oh Guys! Guys! It's three o clock in the morning.
Course it is.
Do you know how long it takes to make a spatula costume from scratch? We're trying to give you some ideas.
You don't get it, do you? I've got a chance at a real job here, not like you two losers either dossing around at home with no money or cooking up ridiculous schemes.
I'm the victim of a corrupt banking system! Yeah, and my schemes aren't ridiculous.
Tom, you're trying to make a movie without a camera.
Not even Terry Gilliam does that! Now, if you don't mind, if I'm going to have a sexy dream, I'd rather you two losers weren't in it.
Out.
Losers?! He's got a point.
No, Ben! We have to prove him wrong.
I need to find a way to make that movie.
I need cameras.
And I need £300 to pay the bank back.
I'd rob that bank if it wasn't for the security systems.
Quiet, Ben.
I need silence.
There's just so many cameras in that place.
Cameras! Silence! You're a genius! Listen, Ben.
Help me out.
I need an outfit that says "winner"! Is this tie too much? Oh, the silent treatment? Very mature.
'If only I could tell him 'that I've restarted the sponsored silence to pay off my debt.
'That I've spent all morning calling up all the original sponsors 'and discovered that, inexplicably, 'they were still prepared to cough up the total of £300.
'Wait, does this count as talking? 'Shut up, Ben!' How about this? Count Spatula? You're right.
It's rubbish.
Oh, good luck with the pitch, Matthew.
Whoa, wait! You forgot your spatula costumes.
Ben, good news.
I've arranged for you to have a meeting at the bank.
You can talk to them about giving you some money.
But listen, it's cold out, so you're going to need to wrap up warm.
Raring to go? Fantastic.
Take this.
Get over there and express yourself.
Lots of hand gestures, lots of big facial expressions.
Really cause a scene.
Banks respond to things like that.
Good luck.
Ah.
Oh, um, I've got a package for you and I need you to sign for it here.
And here.
Here.
Here.
Here.
Everywhere, really.
Then take the paperwork to the depot, with eight forms of ID, and collect it.
Ha-ha! The perfect crime.
Look at all these cameras.
And action! Ah! Bonne morning, bonne morning! Well, I hope you're both prepared to knock the client's socks off.
Sir, the client's in the boardroom.
He's seated and waiting.
Seated & Waiting? I thought he was from Cooks Kitchenware! Right.
Now, I like to finish my presentations strongly so, Matthew you're up first.
Yes, sir, can I help you? How can I help you? Yes, Ben.
Excellent.
Time to deliver my best cockney voiceover! Ooh! Er five words.
Second word.
Sounds like A bank somewhere like London.
Meet Benny Ten Fingers.
The best bleedin' bank robber this side of the Bow Bells.
Bank robber? Love a duck! He's a crafty master of disguise! A confidence trickster, with a scrotum of steel, and he's got the perfect ice-cream van! Plan! What's that in his bag? It's his weapon! Ho-ho! Joe Public hits the deck! Whoo! Ten Fingers starts roughing up one of the punters! But he's got bigger Michael Fish to Stephen Fry! Police! Nobody move! Police? Perfect! How's Benny Ten Fingers going to deal with the rozzers? There wasn't a package.
Clever girl.
Ben! We've been rumbled! Run! Oof! Ooh.
Is, er this the actual presentation, or is your brother having a complicated seizure? Stop! I've got an idea.
We've gotta get off the streets.
You don't just scramble eggs! You've scrambled my mind! I'm in love! Come here, baby! Let me flip you over! Bring a friend.
We'll have a menage a spatu-tois.
Whoo-hoo! Is this all you've got? No, there's more.
Duh-duh-duh! II think we've seen enough.
Oh, God.
We're on the run! Matthew? Are are they with you? Yes? Um, it's a part of the presentation.
Yes! Matthew was simply showing that Cooks Kitchenware produce big, sturdy spatulas.
Yes! But what about the target demographic? How does this demonstrate that strong professional women actually want these spatulas? Nobody move! We want those spatulas! Ta-da! So, will you be pressing charges? No, they're not criminals.
They're just idiots.
We found this on the hairy one.
It's a sponsor form so it's clearly some kind of charity prank.
Oh, sponsored silence.
Just need to fill out an incident report.
Name? Forget it.
Matthew! Sir, I can only No, no, no, no.
Security guards.
Arrests.
Human spatulas.
He loved it! He's going to give his entire account to Carabine Promotions.
What?! Of course, next time, we'll get more convincing actresses for the officers.
Those two? Sheesh! What I'm saying is this.
Matthew you're hired! Get off! All this time, you were doing a sponsored silence.
Why didn't you say? OK, so let me get this straight.
On top of a full-time job, Carabine also gave you a bonus? I know.
A brand-new camcorder.
Wow.
And you're giving it to Quentin Taran-penis? Whoa! That way, if Tom wants to make a bank heist movie, he doesn't have to go to an actual bank.
Oh, that's a shame.
My next film's going to be set in a women's prison.
Now, quiet.
It's about to start.
The world premiere of The Cool Hand Job.
'Welcome to World's Stupidest Criminals.
'Check this dickhead out.
'He's trying to rob a bank without using any words, and his mate filmed it all.
' My masterpiece.
'What a Stanley Ku-prick!' Ha! That's a good one.
Ha-ha! Plus the money Ben makes from his sponsored silence will clear his debt.
How long has he got left? One minute to go! Oh, shit.
We're ready to start playing.
Oh, I love Guess Who.
Does he have long hair? No.
No.
Is it Tom? Yes! Brilliant.
My turn.
Does he wear glasses? Yes! Yes! Is it Matthew? Hey-oh! My turn.
Did he, as an ill-advised treat for his now ex-girlfriend, once shave off all of his pubic hair? I don't want to play this game.
I've got a big day at work tomorrow.
I need to find my old suit.
Whoa! I didn't realise I still had this.
That's my camera.
Oh, come on, mate.
We're best friends.
We share everything.
The only thing you've ever shared with me is your athlete's foot.
You're welcome.
Aha! There it is.
Old Faithful.
Still as good as new.
Hey, Ben, I'll give you a fiver to run into that wall.
You don't have to do that, Ben.
I do.
I'm broke.
How else am I going to earn money? Get a job? This programme contains some strong language.
Ah, lens cap.
Take two? Still fits great.
To think I've not worn this since graduation.
Sweet potato.
Hoy! Tom! What are you doing? Keep down! The creature's vision is based on movement.
Tom, it's too early for this.
Not if you haven't been to bed.
Ah! Huarrgh! Shh! It stirs! Tom, enough.
I'm going to work.
What? No! Turn the light off! Turn the light off! Roooaaar! Arrrghhh! Roooaaarghhh! Whoa! Matthew! Why are you dressed as an orphan ghost? Why are you dressed like What are you dressed like? Half dinosaur, half fish.
Ben's in my first film.
I'm the producer, writer, director, and Ben is dressed like a twat.
The star! Do you want that £5 or not? He was just a normal everyday dinosaur until one day he was bitten by a radioactive fish and turned into Piranhasaurus Rex.
It's a working title.
That title is not working.
Fancy a role? Sure.
So do I! Bacon, please! Oh, you're the caterer.
I can help out tonight, but I can't bunk off work.
Carabine's doing this apprentice thing, where one of his interns gets hired and the rest get you know.
To pull his finger? No! Fired.
Oh.
My sister put me forward for it.
That'll be her now.
What the hell is Ben supposed to be? Jurassic Shark? Jurassic Shark.
Damn it, that's better.
Come on, Matthew, we've gotta go.
Oh, my God.
You've actually managed to find an outfit that's too small even for you! Too small? Old Faithful's perfect.
Ooh.
I'll put on some slacks.
I brought your post up for you.
Isn't that supposed to be your job, Tom? I'll soon be quitting as a postman to pursue more artistic endeavours.
Oh, lots of angry red writing there for you, Ben.
Oh, this is fine.
The bank's always saying this.
No biggie.
I'll just have to start tightening my belt.
That's all.
Oh! No, Ben! I need you for my film.
Speaking of which, Piranhasaurus Rex needs a leading lady.
You'd be perfect.
She's an investigative journalist who struggles with a a debilitating allergy to clothes.
Let me show you my casting couch.
Let me show you my punching fists.
OK, OK! I'll find somebody else to play Mammary Buttocksworth.
What's this? Oh! Aargh! That's the finale ruined! Well, never mind, this is all good stuff.
Action! Rachel! You got a part in the film? Congratulations! Bacon roll? Come on, Matthew, we've got to go.
See you later.
Codzilla! Codzilla? Damn it! She's good at that.
Isn't she, Ben? Ben? Oh.
Clever girl.
Ruargh! When are you and the Chuckle Brothers going to grow up? I mean, look at me and Andrew.
We don't play at movie-making.
We're redecorating.
We're consulting tone charts, looking at colour schemes.
Did you know there are over 100 different shades of white? Ice white, snow white, lily white Jack White, Diamond White.
Barry White.
I'm being serious.
You need to stop playing make-believe with your stupid friends.
You'd never catch me doing that.
I'm proud to say that my boyfriend has no interest in dressing up or role-play.
That's a shame, Rachel.
Oh! Ha-ha.
Mr Carabine! Yeah, personally, I won't go near Mrs Carabine unless she's dressed like The Stig.
Well, welcome.
Er bienvenue to the first Carabine Promotions Apprentice Initiative.
Now I'm assuming that you've all seen The Apprentice? Oh, you've haven't seen The Apprentice? Oh, well!! Ha.
You're fired! Ha-ha.
No, seriously, you're fired.
Fuck off.
And then there were two.
So, Intern 2.
Why do you want to stop interning and become full-time? Money? Mm Is is not a motivating factor.
I'm all about working my way up to the top.
One day, I want to be sat right there.
On my lap? No, this is years in the future.
You're not in the chair.
You're I don't know, retired or dead.
Anyway, tomorrow you will both be pitching to Cooks Kitchenware, a massive potential client for us.
At which juncture, I would like to call upon Rachel, my second-in-command.
There she goes.
What do you see here? A spoon.
A spoon! Oh, but it's more than just a spoon.
Yes! PowerPoint! What we have here is an opportunity.
An oppor-spoonity? An opportunity to change the face of your dining experience for ever.
Well, that's going to cost a fortune to mend.
No worries.
There you go.
I don't think this is the answer to your money problems, Ben.
Is that Queen Latifah? All right, plan B.
I'll sell my organs online.
Whoa! No, Ben.
You need to face your debt with the bank head-on.
Do you know what I think? You're afraid.
If you try, you might fail.
You don't know what it's like to fail, Tom.
To really fail.
It was 1995.
It was cold.
Casual-jacket cold, not winter-coat cold.
The church hall had no heating.
I didn't know what I was getting into.
I'd never done a sponsored silence before.
With £300 in sponsorship pledged, we stood every chance of beating those Brownies to the annual junior fundraising trophy.
But then, with only one minute to go, II One minute to go! And so I know, Ben.
We got disqualified and lost the trophy.
The Brownies had a field day.
Yeah, they won a visit to a Roman fort.
And didn't they let us know about it! Losers! Losers! And the £300 sponsorship money went uncollected.
Losers! Losers! Because of me.
That's why I keep that sponsorship form there.
To remind me of the price of failure.
No.
Don't try and stop me.
I'm selling my organs.
So, in conclusion, this is not just a spoon.
This is your spoon.
This is my spoon.
This is the spoon of a generation.
Wonderful, Rachel, wonderful! So, both of you take a Cooks Kitchenware utensil, and let's get those creative juices flowing.
Now, Intern 1, what are your initial thoughts? Unlock potato potential with a Cooks Kitchenware potato pummeller.
Excellent.
Yes, well.
Rachel's brother? Sorry, Intern 2.
No nepotism here.
Well, I have the, er the spatula.
It's ideal for spatuling.
II suppose, like Rachel's spoon, this isn't just my spatula.
This is our spatula! Arse spatula? A spatula for your arse?! No, no, that's disgusting! No.
Listen, if you're going to actually sell these utensils you have to find a way of making them sensational, exciting, sexy.
Without putting them up your arse! Arse spatula? Matthew, I got you this job so just, please, don't embarrass me.
You've got tonight to come up with something, and it better be good.
I can't do tonight.
I'm helping Tom make Pirhanasaurus Rex.
You'd risk your job to help out Steven Spiel-berk? You'd planned that one, hadn't you? Yeah.
I've been thinking of them all morning.
I also had James Ca-Moron and Frances Ford Floppola.
Alfred Hitch-cock? That's his actual name.
There was a time you used to join in with our games.
Join in? When you played cowboys and Indians, I was the Indian.
When you guys played medieval France, guess who was Joan of Arc.
And when you played Nazi-occupied Europe You were a great Anne Frank.
Six hours I was in that attic! I know.
I read your diary.
Look, Tom, Ben and I, we're the Secret Dude Society.
We made a solemn promise to stick together no matter what.
You made that promise when you were 11.
And when you were 11, you used to stick little eyes on a carrot and call it Jasper.
Do you still do that? No.
Look, don't tell Carabine but I've made some notes to help you out.
Just don't let those dickheads distract you.
Oi, you can't just leave me here! At least take me home! Aw.
Maybe make me into a soup.
All right, Jasper.
How do you feel about coleslaw? Guys, I need your help.
Get on the floor! Now! Arrgh! Take whatever you want! Do as I say, else I'll do you over! Please don't hurt me! I've a weak heart! And cut! Great work, guys! Ben.
There's your £5.
What about my share of the diamonds? Oh.
Tom, what have you done to the flat? Well, Ben's troubles with the bank gave me an idea.
A heist film! A cheeky British crime caper with bad dance music and a cockney voiceover.
The Italian Job meets Cool Hand Luke.
The Cool Hand Job? But I need to work on this.
Nope.
What you need to do is fix your broken camera.
And fix me a bacon roll.
No, you need to help me make this spatula sexy.
Are you laughing at the word "sexy"? Yeah.
No.
I was laughing at the word "spatula".
Guys, we're supposed to be a team.
What's the Secret Dude Society's motto? Hello, baby! No, the one we all agreed on.
The one about friendship.
Seriously? Oh, well, that didn't go well.
At least I've learnt a new word.
Spatula.
Brilliant.
Right.
Target demographic, strong professional women.
Top-of-mind in-store brand awareness.
Argh! What does any of this mean, Rachel? OK.
Sexy.
Sexy.
Spatula.
Sexy.
I want utensils that are sexy.
Don't let the dickheads distract you.
Sexy.
Sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy Oh! I'm a sexy spatula Mm Ooh, he's a sexy spatula I wanna make some eggs I'm a lonely bachelor Well, you can use me cos I'm a sexy spatula Oh, yeah Oh Guys! Guys! It's three o clock in the morning.
Course it is.
Do you know how long it takes to make a spatula costume from scratch? We're trying to give you some ideas.
You don't get it, do you? I've got a chance at a real job here, not like you two losers either dossing around at home with no money or cooking up ridiculous schemes.
I'm the victim of a corrupt banking system! Yeah, and my schemes aren't ridiculous.
Tom, you're trying to make a movie without a camera.
Not even Terry Gilliam does that! Now, if you don't mind, if I'm going to have a sexy dream, I'd rather you two losers weren't in it.
Out.
Losers?! He's got a point.
No, Ben! We have to prove him wrong.
I need to find a way to make that movie.
I need cameras.
And I need £300 to pay the bank back.
I'd rob that bank if it wasn't for the security systems.
Quiet, Ben.
I need silence.
There's just so many cameras in that place.
Cameras! Silence! You're a genius! Listen, Ben.
Help me out.
I need an outfit that says "winner"! Is this tie too much? Oh, the silent treatment? Very mature.
'If only I could tell him 'that I've restarted the sponsored silence to pay off my debt.
'That I've spent all morning calling up all the original sponsors 'and discovered that, inexplicably, 'they were still prepared to cough up the total of £300.
'Wait, does this count as talking? 'Shut up, Ben!' How about this? Count Spatula? You're right.
It's rubbish.
Oh, good luck with the pitch, Matthew.
Whoa, wait! You forgot your spatula costumes.
Ben, good news.
I've arranged for you to have a meeting at the bank.
You can talk to them about giving you some money.
But listen, it's cold out, so you're going to need to wrap up warm.
Raring to go? Fantastic.
Take this.
Get over there and express yourself.
Lots of hand gestures, lots of big facial expressions.
Really cause a scene.
Banks respond to things like that.
Good luck.
Ah.
Oh, um, I've got a package for you and I need you to sign for it here.
And here.
Here.
Here.
Here.
Everywhere, really.
Then take the paperwork to the depot, with eight forms of ID, and collect it.
Ha-ha! The perfect crime.
Look at all these cameras.
And action! Ah! Bonne morning, bonne morning! Well, I hope you're both prepared to knock the client's socks off.
Sir, the client's in the boardroom.
He's seated and waiting.
Seated & Waiting? I thought he was from Cooks Kitchenware! Right.
Now, I like to finish my presentations strongly so, Matthew you're up first.
Yes, sir, can I help you? How can I help you? Yes, Ben.
Excellent.
Time to deliver my best cockney voiceover! Ooh! Er five words.
Second word.
Sounds like A bank somewhere like London.
Meet Benny Ten Fingers.
The best bleedin' bank robber this side of the Bow Bells.
Bank robber? Love a duck! He's a crafty master of disguise! A confidence trickster, with a scrotum of steel, and he's got the perfect ice-cream van! Plan! What's that in his bag? It's his weapon! Ho-ho! Joe Public hits the deck! Whoo! Ten Fingers starts roughing up one of the punters! But he's got bigger Michael Fish to Stephen Fry! Police! Nobody move! Police? Perfect! How's Benny Ten Fingers going to deal with the rozzers? There wasn't a package.
Clever girl.
Ben! We've been rumbled! Run! Oof! Ooh.
Is, er this the actual presentation, or is your brother having a complicated seizure? Stop! I've got an idea.
We've gotta get off the streets.
You don't just scramble eggs! You've scrambled my mind! I'm in love! Come here, baby! Let me flip you over! Bring a friend.
We'll have a menage a spatu-tois.
Whoo-hoo! Is this all you've got? No, there's more.
Duh-duh-duh! II think we've seen enough.
Oh, God.
We're on the run! Matthew? Are are they with you? Yes? Um, it's a part of the presentation.
Yes! Matthew was simply showing that Cooks Kitchenware produce big, sturdy spatulas.
Yes! But what about the target demographic? How does this demonstrate that strong professional women actually want these spatulas? Nobody move! We want those spatulas! Ta-da! So, will you be pressing charges? No, they're not criminals.
They're just idiots.
We found this on the hairy one.
It's a sponsor form so it's clearly some kind of charity prank.
Oh, sponsored silence.
Just need to fill out an incident report.
Name? Forget it.
Matthew! Sir, I can only No, no, no, no.
Security guards.
Arrests.
Human spatulas.
He loved it! He's going to give his entire account to Carabine Promotions.
What?! Of course, next time, we'll get more convincing actresses for the officers.
Those two? Sheesh! What I'm saying is this.
Matthew you're hired! Get off! All this time, you were doing a sponsored silence.
Why didn't you say? OK, so let me get this straight.
On top of a full-time job, Carabine also gave you a bonus? I know.
A brand-new camcorder.
Wow.
And you're giving it to Quentin Taran-penis? Whoa! That way, if Tom wants to make a bank heist movie, he doesn't have to go to an actual bank.
Oh, that's a shame.
My next film's going to be set in a women's prison.
Now, quiet.
It's about to start.
The world premiere of The Cool Hand Job.
'Welcome to World's Stupidest Criminals.
'Check this dickhead out.
'He's trying to rob a bank without using any words, and his mate filmed it all.
' My masterpiece.
'What a Stanley Ku-prick!' Ha! That's a good one.
Ha-ha! Plus the money Ben makes from his sponsored silence will clear his debt.
How long has he got left? One minute to go! Oh, shit.