Ballers (2015) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Kane is in the building, nigga (music playing) Now tell me how you love it, you know you at the top When only heaven's right above it, we on 'Cause we on Who else is really trying to fuck with the Hollywood Cole? I'm with Marley G, bro Flying Holly Grove chicks to my Hollywood shows And I wanna tell you something that you probably should know This that "Slum Dog Millionaire" Bollywood flow And, uh My real friends never hearing from me Fake friends write the wrong answers on the mirror for me That's why I pick and choose, I don't get shit confused Don't like my women single, I like my chicks in twos And these days all the girls is down to roll I hit the strip club and all them bitches find the pole Plus, I been sippin', so this shit is movin' kinda slow Just tell my girl to tell her friend that it's time to go.
(seagulls screeching) Joe: Jesus, this thing's a fucking aircraft carrier.
I've seen bigger.
Maybe we should chopper in some strippers, huh? Amp up the party.
Listen, I gotta ask you something before we go on here.
When you told me the old man didn't want to hire me, did you mean that or were you fucking with me? Spence, don't develop a complex about it, okay? - I just want to know.
- No, no, he loves you.
Believe me, he's a big fan.
I just did that to, you know, rile you up.
- Stoke your fire a little.
- Well, you stoked the fuck out of it.
Okay, then I did great.
Hey, ahoy there.
Come on.
Come on board.
What, do you guys got sunstroke? Take off your shoes.
Put 'em in the thing.
First time on a yacht? First time on one this sweet, boss.
Yeah, must be all the excitement.
She is a work of art, isn't she? Custom-built, kind of like your suit.
Good to see you.
You remember Spencer.
Mr.
Anderson.
Thanks for seeing us.
- Yeah, the football guy.
- Right.
Not as big as I thought you'd be.
So, did you guys bring me anything? Or did you come here to, you know, polish my vessel? We've decided to make a push.
We're gonna hold a corporate event, bring more high-income athletes to the company.
It's about fucking time.
And you, I thought we lost you to the NFL Network or something.
Nah, not my style.
We just signed Vernon Littlefield.
That deal's gonna be huge.
He's a very popular guy around the league.
Ricky Jarret, man-about-town, a lot of friends.
Really? Like who? - Uh - Well, like me.
So between those two and my connections, we can establish a very unique brand and grow the company.
Can I ask you something? Why am I just hearing about this as opposed to, you know, seeing the results? We need to use your yacht.
What? We need to use your yacht.
(laughs) My baby? My pride and joy? Ask me if you can fuck my wife.
You got a better shot.
Are you out of your minds? Look, Mr.
Anderson, we rented a house on Star Island.
A great house.
We're pulling out all the stops.
Mr.
Anderson, the players love the bling.
Your baby here, this beauty fits that description to a T.
You want to see results, this is what it takes.
They like the bling.
- I can trust you with my bling? - Oh, absolutely.
This event is strictly corporate.
You have our word.
(chatter) (helmet clatters) (men chattering) - (laughing) - (metal clanking) Not my Js.
Not my Js.
Not my Js.
Not my Js.
Oh, God, y'all got jokes.
Y'all got jokes.
Oh, look at this.
My cell phone, too? Oh, wow, y'all put my stuff in the cold tub.
- (laughing) That shit is hilar - (men laughing) Oh, y'all, shit's hilarious.
Y'all got me.
Y'all got Y'all got me.
Y'all got me.
Fuck with my Js now, punk! Fuck your bitch-ass Js.
Bitch-ass Js for a bitch-ass nigga.
You don't fuck with me.
(overlapping arguing) Yo Eh, yo Eh Yo - Boys - How you doing? Yo Holla, holla Holla, we them boys Holla, we them boys Holla, holla, holla We making noise, holla Is the banner really necessary? Not for you, maybe.
- You feeling all right? - Yeah, I feel great.
Just wasn't sure if anyone would show.
Shit, girl, everyone shows up for Spencer Strasmore.
Look at all these potential clients.
You looking at the ass or the athletes? - Are there athletes here? - (laughs) Spencer: And here comes our guest of honor.
(exhales) And Spencer say we spend too much? Fuck him.
Reg, come on with the negativity.
Man, look around.
You ever dream we'd be in a place like this? I never thought we'd live past 19.
We a long way from home.
This is home.
Let's go have some cocktails.
Let's do it.
Let's go, bro.
Then the ball got stripped.
I was the first one on it.
Felt like a building came down on me.
I thought I was gonna pass out.
They were using every trick in the book to get that ball away, Coach.
You get the nut pull or the eye gouge? I got both nut pull and the eye gouge.
I had a guy try to spit in my face once.
I damn near tore his lip off.
- Fish hook, fish hook.
- I remember that game.
Well, this nasty bastard tried to go knuckles deep in my ass.
- All: Ooh! - Oil check! - Oil check.
- (laughing) We don't want you guys living paycheck to paycheck.
You know, nothing saved up for the off season.
You remember the lockout, right, Beas? - Yeah, shit was rough, man.
- Oh, shit.
Too much free time, no money coming in.
Truth is here's the truth.
You want the truth? The money you guys are making right now, it's not gonna last unless you save and invest.
Yeah, down the hatch.
So I'm thinking if you guys Okay, go mingle.
I'll catch up with you guys.
Uh oh, hey, I got Molly! - Ooh! - (laughs) - Legs.
- Hey, superstar.
If you heard the story I just told, you wouldn't be trying to go back door on me.
- Yeah, fingerbanged at the 50 in Cleveland.
You remembered.
Well, it's sort of your go-to story at parties.
- It's charming.
- Come here.
- Mwah.
You look beautiful.
- Thank you.
This is a big day for you.
It's a modest business gathering.
Mm-hmm, you've got half of Miami's sports elite filing in.
- How are you holding up? - Good.
You pop any vikes to take the edge off? I'm straight, clean, having a good time.
Oh, I see, so you're still doing that thing where you look all macked out, but on the inside your brain is going crazy.
Well, it's been a month since you bailed.
- Oh, I bailed? Wow.
- And I have grown.
- You've really? - Yes.
So you're totally cool right now? Totally cool.
As a moose.
Even with the whole Ricky thing? He got in a scrap with Alonzo Cooley at OTAs.
Young buck probably heard his footsteps coming.
I don't know.
A little birdie told me there might be something more to it than that.
Are you gonna chase the birdie? And lose my cred with the team? Not a chance.
But the story is floating around and if it goes public, he'll have to finish his career in Saskatchewan.
Have you ever been to Saskatchewan? What up? - No, I haven't.
- It fucking blows, Spence.
Girls are hiding You know you like it Yo, yo, Spence.
What up, man? Vern, my man.
- How you doin'? - Good to see you, man.
Thank you, fellas, for coming.
Hey, man, my fault I couldn't get back at you this week.
I just been training like a madman.
No problem, brother.
You're looking yoked.
Look at this.
Look at this shit.
You know.
Come on.
Look at this shit, man.
Hey, man, look, you and Reg, y'all need to get on the same page.
So play nice, both of y'all.
Come on.
All right, Reg.
We, uh we got off to a rocky start and it's partly my fault.
No, it's all your fault.
I understand why you might feel that way.
- I just wanted - 'Cause that's how it is, man.
Like you never thought to ask what my plans for Vernon's future are.
Or how I want to build his brand, make him a fixture in the community.
Be the face of the franchise.
You never see me as anything but some thug taking his best friend for a ride, which I'm not.
Reg, I ain't making this shit up.
Vernon has zero cash.
That happened on your watch.
I never claimed accounting was my forte.
But you, Spencer, you pretend to be something you ain't.
Playing easy breezy everyman when deep down inside, you a straight hustler like the rest.
(scoffs) Enjoy your party.
I know I will.
Hi, Vernon.
Your best friend's a douchebag.
All right, last time you get a plus one.
Fuck him.
What up, Chuck? Hey, what's happening, Vern? Man, hoping to get this new deal.
I don't want to fuck with that free agency next year, man.
- Huh.
- You know how that is.
Yeah.
Hey, how's retirement treating you, though? Oh, man, it's good.
Yeah, it's good.
You know, every day better than the one before.
You hate it.
It's terrible.
I mean, I had a great career, Vern.
Super Bowl champion.
Eight-time Pro Bowl.
Got a comfortable home, good job, fine-ass wife that I always wanna smash.
Plus I hung it up unscathed.
I should be happy.
But still, on the field I was number 71.
Charles Greane.
You understand what I'm saying? Man, you take away that helmet and the jersey, I'm just a big dude who works down at the Chevy dealership.
You're depressing the hell out of me, man.
(people cheering) - Man: He's sweatin' over there, y'all.
- (chatter) Let's do it.
Let's do it.
- $400.
- Put 'em down.
- (dice rattling) - Man: That's five.
You guys mind if I play? - Nigga, do you even have any bread? - No, I don't.
I just got a shitload of money that I wanna lose.
Ooh! - Okay.
Okay.
- Man 2: Time's up? Yeah, okay, all right.
Oh, wait.
These aren't loaded, are they? (blows) (laughs) (dice clatter) All: Oh! Tracy said there's a story brewing about the fight.
- Alonzo ratted me out.
- No, anonymous tip.
Yeah, well, this anonymous asshole say he put my shit in the cold tub? - Treating you like a rookie? - Can you believe that shit? All I did was offer to buy Alonzo's number.
Guys do it all the time.
You know this.
Look, what you need to do, honestly, is bury that bone again.
Maybe she buries the story.
Oh, I just sling D and everything goes up? That's right, babe, sling it.
It'll fix everything.
She ain't gonna run the story.
It's not her style.
But the problem is somebody will run the story.
They're always making shit out to be worse than it is.
Come here, brother.
Talk to me.
I'm your boy.
What's going on between you two? I'm telling you, if Alonzo's got some kind of beef, that's his fucking problem.
Right, but when you try to feed him your Jordans, then it's our problem.
Well, you know what? Come on, man, it's a party.
All right? Life is too short to be walking around in a bad mood all the time.
- I'm not in a bad mood.
- You sure? I'm sure, brother.
I just wish you'd spend as much time thinking about your actions as I do.
All right, well, you should think less and live more.
- We only go around once.
- Stop charming me.
(cheering) Oh, shit! So, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Let me get this straight.
You take a booze cruise to a tittie bar? No, no, no, the tittie bar is on the boat.
We call that shit the motorboat.
- (blubbering) - (laughing) That's the best idea I've ever heard, man.
Boating, booze, and boobs The holy trinity of fun.
- (blubbering) - (laughing) All: Oh! World star, bitches.
How's life in the real world, Spence? You still dreaming about laying people out? Nah, let me tell you something, Dan.
Right now my dreams are all about deals and dollars.
It's hard to lay people out when you're aiming for their kneecaps.
Is that your professional opinion, Reggie? Well, hell, you never saw the Buffalo game.
- What was that, 2000 - Eight.
2008, you never saw that one, did you? The Balsamo hit.
Brutal.
I don't collect scalps, but that one's right up there.
I'm amazed either one of you two walked off the field after that hit.
Jason: Look at him now in one piece, destined for success in financial management.
- Hear, hear.
- You look beautiful.
- Thank you, Jay.
- You'd make a hell of a GM, Spence.
You got compassion, people skills.
I appreciate that, Coach.
Just give me a pair of wraparounds and a visor.
- (laughs) - No, no, no.
Don't want to have to negotiate with this guy.
- You won't have to.
- Jason: Good.
What is the endgame here, though, Spence? Is it agent? Broadcaster? Coach? You're such a star, why not own a damn team while you're at it? Well, I figured if Venus and Serena could do it, - own a piece of the Dolphins, why can't I? - Magic and Jordan did it.
Reggie: Getting your profit off the crop ain't enough.
You want to own the whole damn plantation.
(laughs) Now I know your bell been rung.
Who is this asshole? Jason: Why don't you give it a rest, Reggie? Excuse me, boys.
Duty calls.
Hey, uh, Spencer.
Hey.
I got a proposition.
Oh, I'm giddy with anticipation.
I want a real stake in Vernon.
I mean, I'm not trying to get squeezed out, end up his personal valet.
I want to be invested like you.
You get 3% of, what, every dollar you handle? I'll take one of those.
(chuckles) You'll take one? Oh, and you'll give one.
I mean, I would ask you for a suitcase full of money, but I don't think you have any left, Mr.
Franchise Owner.
So think on it.
(pills rattle) (coughs) You've got to be kidding me.
No, it's not funny.
It's cruel.
Look, I wouldn't touch this shit with a 10-foot pole, but the tabloids havfield.
Therno the is this.
(bullhorn blares) - Listen up.
Listen up.
- (music fades) Now the only grown-up here is about to leave.
You understand? I don't want to hear about none of you tomorrow morning on "TMZ," "Deadspin," or Page fucking Six.
Do not fuck up.
I repeat, do not fuck up.
Clear, Coach.
We ain't gonna fuck up.
We got you.
Oh, I never worry about a sweetheart like you, Jarret.
- (crowd laughs) - Spencer, it's on you.
Yes.
(music playing) I'll be there I'll be there Life began for me My man, cheers.
Hello.
Watch out for him.
I look out to see there's other people on the dance floor Living proof of our revival - Ahem.
- (laughs) - Brother Rick.
- You finally cheered up.
The party is a success.
Almost perfect.
Almost? Man, we turned up in this bitch.
- We turned up in this bitch.
- All the way up.
All the way.
You know? I do.
Who's the chick? Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's Kara, my interior designer.
- She's beautiful.
- She's gorgeous.
She one of your jump-offs? Who gives a damn if she is, man? (laughs) Alonzo Cooley does.
Get the f No, no, no, no.
She doesn't wear a ring and neither does he.
She doesn't wear a ring 'cause that's not Alonzo's wife.
She's his mom.
Yeah.
Motherfucker.
Yes, that is in fact you.
Man, I got to get me one of these bad boys.
The upkeep alone would cost you millions.
You got to crew it, maintain it, gas it.
This thing drinks five gallons a mile.
Joe knows boats.
That I do.
No, I'm good, man.
I got the season coming up.
(imitates plane crashing) Bless.
I used to have a boat.
- You did? - Yeah.
Not like this.
This is this is barely this is like a fucking spaceship.
But she was pretty damn sweet, man.
- I loved that boat.
- So why'd you lose it? Sometimes the things we love aren't long for this world, Vern.
Especially when your alcoholic ex-wife gets drunk and falls overboard and drowns.
You crying, man? - What? - I think he crying, Nate.
- No, it's just the weed.
I'm not crying.
- You tripping, Joe.
- No, really.
- I'm over it.
And that's how you boil a hot dog.
- Yeah.
- Uh, hey.
Um, I brought some of your biggest fans, Vern.
- Okay.
- You remember Sarah.
- Hey.
- This is Chloe.
- Hello.
- Tisha.
- Hey.
- And this is Brea.
- Like the cheese.
- (laughing) Joe: Like the cheese! - Vernon: Hey, ladies.
- Hi.
It's always nice to meet new fans.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hey, hey, Joe.
Joe, your yacht is amazing.
Thank you.
You should see my other yacht.
I would show that to you, but I loaned it to Prince and he took it to Majorca.
You guys want a tour? - Uh, yeah.
- Yes! How many times you get with her? - Two and a half.
- Okay.
I went down on her in the kitchen.
She put in these gorgeous quartz countertops.
Please tell me you did not know who she was.
Oh, man, her last name isn't even Cooley.
- I got her card in my wallet.
- This is not good.
You're gonna have to apologize to Alonzo.
Why should I? Because you have gone in where he came out.
(laughs) That is like a home invasion.
Kara is a grown-ass woman.
More grown than I thought, but it is what it is.
She is Alonzo's mother.
Okay? That's a line we don't cross.
No wives, no moms.
You got to cut her loose so we can stop the bleeding.
Right.
- Maybe I don't want to.
- Rick, be reasonable.
I like her.
She's sophisticated, she's smart.
I don't know.
She's bangin'.
You said, though you were like, "Rick, she's banging.
" I vouched for you, Rick.
And now everything could be fucking ruined.
You know, maybe it's this vodka cranberry, I'm a little confused.
Are you trying to protect my interest or your own? Oh, easy, Rick.
This is one and the same.
- His interest is your interest.
- No, no, no.
This fucking doesn't feel like it.
It really doesn't.
Rick, I asked you to start conducting yourself like a professional.
My profession is still that of a football player.
And all these players you're trying to sign, they'll tell you that I conduct myself accordingly.
Shit, you bet that.
And would every one of these players tell me it's okay to bang their mom? (chatter stops) No, I mean It's totally not my thing.
It's the tequila talking.
- (music playing) - (chatter) Oh, okay.
So we gonna go there.
(snorts) (sniffles) That's great shit.
You should have some.
I guess a little toot couldn't hurt.
(snorts) - Ah! - Whoo! - Sarah: Yes! - Hey, Reg, man, I'm gonna bounce, all right? - Do your thing, okay? - Wait, hold on, man.
- It's cool.
Do y'all it's cool.
- Hey, man, hold on.
Hey.
Ah, shit.
Vernon.
Hey, hey, man.
Listen, man.
Chill out, man.
These honeys, man, they are DTF.
Okay, man? Listen, I can't handle all these girls by myself.
- You got it.
You're good.
- Come on, baby.
- I love you, Miami! - (cheering) I mean, I guess I could stay a little while longer.
- Yeah, man, you don't want to be rude.
- Exactly.
Hey, we're gonna live forever! (women cheering) - (horn blowing) - (grunting) Ah! Doesn't matter.
These neighbors are all assholes anyway.
Fuck 'em.
- (women cheering) - Woman: Go! Charles! Charles! Go, Charles! - Go, Charles! - Come on! Yeah! (music playing) Toni-i-i-i-ight Toni-i-i-i-ight Toni-i-i-i-ight Toni-i-i-i-ight My man V.
(cheering) (laughing) Oh, my God.
Let's play Truth or Dare.
And we can You guys can be my You guys can be sister wives.
We'll have orgies all the time.
That you get the highest if you put it right up your asshole.
(music playing) To to-i-i-ight You and I Toni-i-i-i-ight Toni-i-i-i-ight.
Ooh, get back here, you.
Oh, no.
You know, me and your son are on the same team.
Ain't that a conflict of interest? Oh, 'Zo's had plenty of fun with my friends.
No reason I can't have fun with his.
(tsking) Me and Alonzo are not friends.
Me and Alonzo are teammates.
Okay, teammates that wind up being like brothers, which makes our thing extra fucked up, now that I think about it.
Ricky, listen to me.
o myon is wa to be taken seriousl d and I'd come off Yeah, I mean, g his name I I get that.
a But I also get why he'd be so upset.
Yeah, 'Zo's always been the sensitive one.
Oh whoa, whoa.
Sensitive one? Well, yeah.
I mean, his brothers aren't nearly as thin-skinned, - and his sisters - (smacks) tough as nails.
How many kids you got? - Hey, hey, let's party - Mmm! Ahh! (laughs) You good, Charles? I just puked in the dinghy.
Come on, man.
- (laughs) - Oh, no! This is custom-made.
(laughs) Where's your shirt? Oh, shit! (laughs) What's up, Chucky? Don't hurt him.
Don't hurt him.
You smell like puke.
I'm gonna go find my shirt.
- You hit 'em? - Yeah, I hit 'em, all right.
- I made two grand rolling dice.
- What? And I got three verbal commitments.
- Wow! - These guys fucking love me.
- You're feeling it? - Yeah! Oh! - Yeah.
- We are cementing our brand.
Yeah, Anderson Financial, get rich, get laid, have fun.
- Put that on the letterhead.
- (laughs) Yeah, later we'll do that.
Let's get some drinks.
Let me handle some business real quick.
- I'll meet you over there.
- Yeah, all right.
- Tequila.
- Go, go, go, go.
Tequila.
Excuse me.
Ricky Ross in the house.
Reggie: Oh, here come Mr.
Flimflam Man.
How's the swindle? You know, I've been thinking about what you said.
I think I might remember what you're talking about.
But then again, I might not.
You're trying to bait me, Reg.
You see, I give you a point and then you go run and tell Vernon that I tried to buy you off.
See, here's the truth, brother, I don't have to buy you off.
And I won't go for your knees.
No, no, no.
I'll go right through you.
Real talk right now, man.
Look, I know that you gave Vernon 300 grand so that you could try to wring something out of it.
Okay, well, real talk right now.
The only reason why you're still in the mix is because Vernon feels he owes you something.
But he doesn't owe you shit.
See, Vernon blew up more than you or anybody else could ever imagine.
But I want you to think about this.
There's no shame in having me come in and help manage that.
I'm not gonna let you or anybody else use my man Vernon.
Okay.
But I'm still gonna do what I gotta do.
I won't let you take them, man.
Vernon, Mama, Marcus, Nate.
The whole crew.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, man, you can't steal my family just 'cause you adopted and ain't got one of your own.
The fuck did you just say to me? I try and do the right thing and this is what you do? - This what I do.
- You stir the shit and you make things harder than it should be.
- Is this how you take care of your family, asshole? - Calm down with that.
That's how you take care you need me! - Oh, shit! - (music stops) (crowd murmuring) Oh, shit, man.
Oh, shit.
Reg, come here, brother.
Get the fuck away from me, man.
Yeah, y'all saw what he did, right? This the kind of psycho you want taking care of your money? Your futures? Okay.
You go ahead and make that two points now, big boy.
From now on, um, you deal direct with me on all things Vernon.
(scoffs) - Ahem.
You might wanna say something right about now.
- Like what? I don't know.
I've never chucked a guy into a DJ before.
I didn't chuck him in.
He fucking tripped.
Well, just give them some rah-rah locker room bullshit.
- Okay? We're losing them.
- You okay, brother? - Yeah.
- I'm sorry about that, man.
Ahem.
Hey, everybody.
Uh, someone clearly had too many margaritas.
- Joe: Uh-oh.
- (crowd laughs) We've all been there.
Amazing party.
Thank you, guys, for coming out.
It could not have gone off without one man pulling out all the stops.
- Joe.
Thank you, Joe.
- Don't do it.
Don't.
- (cheering) - Thank you, Joe.
Thank you.
- Spencer: Yeah.
- Thank you.
Thank you, guys.
Ladies and gentlemen, we at Anderson Financial, we believe in bridging friendship and business, and we look forward to working with a lot of you in the future.
But for now, let's leave that bullshit in the office.
- Joe: Yeah.
- It's party time.
Let's turn up the music.
The DJ's gonna fix the equipment.
We're gonna get drinks.
We're gonna turn this motherfucker up.
(cheering) Yeah! Raise a glass, my niggas! (cheering stops) Woman: Why would he say that? What the fuck did you just say, Joe? What'd I Did I Did I fuck up? I fucked up, huh? No, come on.
Come on, Rashard.
I can't swim.
No, no.
Oh, shit, there's jellyfish in there.
- Guys, I'm allergic to jellyfish.
- Crowd: One, two - Wait, I've got my wallet! - three! (cheering) Bad trips like, "God" Nazareth, I'm fucked up, homie I love this party!