Becker s01e03 Episode Script

John, th-- There's something you should know about me.
Whatever it is, it's okay.
You see, when I have sex, I tend to be, well, kind of vocal.
No problem.
No, no, no, I-- I mean, very, very vocal.
I'm a good listener.
Oh, okay.
Ow.
Hey, foreign guy.
Whatever you're doing to the goat, not my idea of an alarm clock.
Knock it off.
Oh, Jesus.
Hey, too damn bad.
Drive around me, idiot.
There's my morning star.
I'll tell you something.
You ever wanna get rid of all the stupid drivers in New York, put a cannon on my car, 'cause sooner or later, they all find me.
I'm-- I-I'm backing into the space out front, right? My space? And some idiot swings right in ahead of me.
You pulled back and blocked him in.
Damn right, I did.
And I'm taking up half the street.
Cars gotta go into traffic to get around me.
They can kiss my ass, 'cause I'm not moving.
Ooh.
Whatever happened to common courtesy? Where's Reggie? Out jogging.
I'm in charge.
Mm.
Do you have any idea what you're doing back there? I made a lot of coffee before I lost my sight.
Aw.
Apparently you had a little bit of it left over too.
Hey, Becker, some guy ripped your antenna off and he's beating on your car with it.
Doesn't matter.
I don't have a radio.
I don't know what your father told you about running a diner, but I'll bet rule number one wasn't get a blind guy to make the coffee.
You know, between your big mouth and that cigarette, you're offending what few senses I have left.
I'm sorry, Becker, but I can't start my morning without my run.
You ought to try it yourself.
It could ease some of that stress.
Oh, yeah, running, great id-- There's only one reason to run.
If you're being chased, or if you're on fire.
Otherwise, it's dumb.
Just a suggestion.
You know, every day I see the same guy jogging around the track at the high school.
His dog just sits there and watches him.
One of them is running, one of them is not.
The one who's not gets his poop picked up by the other one.
You tell me who's smarter.
You're a doctor.
You wouldn't tell a patient to get exercise? I do tell my patients to get exercise.
And they don't.
Nice little game we play.
Look, forget it.
I'll get you your eggs.
Eggs, cigarettes and no exercise.
At least you won't be bugging me for long.
You know, John, you got it all wrong.
I mean, running's great.
I miss it.
It was always good for relieving sexual tension too.
Yeah, what do you do about that now? The sexual tension? I have sex.
Being blind doesn't keep you from having sex.
Actually, with my last wife it would've helped.
Hm.
But, you know, sometimes, well, if there isn't a woman around How do I put this? You run in place? Well, I have already gone blind.
Ha-ha.
Linda, I thought I told you to put a lab coat on over that.
Oh, come on, Margaret, I did, but it's too hot.
The radiator's overheating again.
The repairman's on the way.
In the meantime, cover up.
This is a doctor's office, not a disco or Haircuts by Hippies, or whatever the name of that place was you worked before.
Dr.
Becker said I could wear whatever I want.
In the first place, I guarantee he wasn't listening to you.
And in the second place, you work for me, and so does he.
He just doesn't know it.
Oh, for God's sake, girl, take a little pride in yourself.
Yes, ma'am.
Just for your information, the place I worked before is called Supercuts, part of a respected national chain.
And the fact that I didn't work out there wasn't their fault, thank you very much.
Hi, good morning.
You're late.
I know, I know.
Some schmuck in a Hyundai took my space in front of the diner.
And you had to block him in with your car.
What happened? He tried to ram his way out.
Fat chance.
Oh, why's it so hot in here? Oh, the radiator's on the fritz again.
I called.
They're sending a repairman over.
Well, it's boiling.
When's he getting here? Well, he's a repairman.
You got a better chance of pinning down what day Jesus is coming back.
Bag lady on the corner says Thursday.
Gloria, what's supermom doing here? My husband and I were driving to the A&P last night and had an accident.
Took a little blow to the back of my head.
Oh, well, let's see what we got here.
Okay.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, you got quite a bump.
Mm.
How do you hit the back of your head while you're driving? I don't know.
I was turned around.
You were turned around while you were driving? That's new.
Well, we weren't exactly driving.
And, okay, we weren't on our way to the A&P.
The car was parked.
It's parked? What--? W-w-what were you doing? What? Is that look what I think it is? Frank and I got a little carried away.
Gloria, what are you, a teenager? In a parked car? Wha--? What's wrong with the--? The bedroom? Well, you have five kids and try to find a moment alone.
You wouldn't believe some of the places Frank and I have to sneak off to.
Yeah, well, spare me the tour.
Good to see you again, Gloria.
You got a simple contusion.
Just go home and put some ice on it.
Directly on my head? Yeah, that too.
Doctor, do you have a problem with these? These? These clothes.
Margaret says that anyone who goes around dressed like this has no self-respect.
And I'm not saying I'm the capital of self-respect, but I feel pretty good about myself.
I mean, the clothes I wear have no effect on the way I do my job.
Sure, if I wore a suit of magnets, then metal stuff would just come flying at me, so I don't.
But my point is, is that if I had to go out and buy a whole bunch of other stuff, well, it'd cost me a lot, and I couldn't do that on what I'm making here.
And I'm not asking you for more money, although if you offered it to me, I wouldn't turn it down.
Wow, I just asked for raise.
Cool.
Wear what you want.
No raise.
Go away.
Mr.
Morello, John Becker.
Hi, nice to meet you, doctor.
Nice to meet you too.
You're here for a physical? Ah, it's just what I told your nurse.
All I need is for you to refill a prescription for me.
No big deal.
JustViagra.
Mr.
Morello, are you impotent? Oh, God, no.
I'm divorced.
I'm beginning to get around a little, if you know what I mean.
See, I got a different date every night of the week.
It seems only fair that Friday gets the same quality as Monday.
Then my advice to you is to sleep all day Thursday.
Hey, come on.
My other doctor wouldn't prescribe any more.
I need this stuff.
With Viagra, I'm like a 17-year-old boy again.
Look, Viagra is a treatment for a very specific and very serious condition.
Ever since it came out, I have had every middle-aged Lothario with hair growing out of his ears sleazing in here begging for a booster shot.
You think I'm gonna hand you a loaded gun so you can go on a rampage? You're out of your mind, pal.
Come on, doc, I-- I was married for 15 years.
I feel like I've been on the bench forever.
Now I'm back in the game.
Please, doc, give me the bat.
You just ruined baseball for me, you know that? And-- And button your shirt.
You're making me sick.
What is this, National Sex Day? I got a woman doing it in a parked car.
This clown wants Viagra.
Everybody I see this morning has sex on the brain.
Not me.
I got up at 6 this morning, made breakfast, took two trains so I could get here to be in this heat.
I'm clear.
Oh, hey, you showed up.
That's very nice of you.
Hey, we said we'd be out by 9.
It's almost 11.
That's not bad.
That's two hours.
I get some kind of break in the price? I'll make it up to you with a free oven mitt.
You've got a really old system here.
The pipes are clogged.
You gotta let off the pressure, or the system won't handle it.
Does that make sense? Just send the oven mitt.
Oh, Marvin Johnson is waiting in your office.
Why, what's wrong? We didn't schedule him today, did we? No, no, nothing's wrong.
I called Mount Sinai.
His T-cell count is stable.
He just came in this morning on his way to school and said he wanted to talk to you.
Oh, well, after my morning, it'll be refreshing to talk to a 7-year-old.
Hey, M.
J.
, how you doing? Where do babies come from? Europe.
Anything else? I'm kind of worried.
My brother told me if I see a girl naked, that she's gonna have a baby.
Yesterday, I saw my cousin Francine naked.
I don't wanna have a baby with her.
She's mean.
Oh, they all are, kid.
Come here, come here.
Let me, uh-- Let me talk to you for a second.
Now, I'm doctor, right? M.
J.
, I've seen-- I've seen lots of naked women.
I don't have any children.
Yeah, that's true.
What's your problem? Look, next time your brother lays some theories on you, I want you to come see me first, okay? Thanks, that makes me feel better.
Good.
Nice to see you always.
Anything else I can do for you? Well, while I got you, how do you get a baby? Uh, well, M.
J.
, uh a man and a woman can only have a baby when they love each other very much.
Okay.
What's sex? Sex is what they use against each other when they don't.
Yes, oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Oh.
Who's back there? Shh.
Who cares? Imagine whoever you want.
How long have you two guys been out here? Long enough.
So, what the hell was that about? Oh, please.
Jake was massaging my shoulders.
Sometimes, I tighten up after a run, and he has great hands.
Yeah, all that reading I do keeps 'em limber.
You actually thought I was having sex in there with Jake? Hey.
Not that I wouldn't fool around with Jake.
Jake is back.
I'm saying I wouldn't do it in the kitchen with all the food.
That's disgusting.
So, what do you wanna eat, Becker? Now? Nothing.
Man, you are some of the most uptight people I have ever met.
You think making it in a kitchen's weird? Try Grant's Tomb.
You did it on Grant's Tomb? Well, not on Grant's Tomb.
I'm not gonna do it on top of somebody's resting place.
We got naked and fooled around in that little park down there.
What kind of freak do you think I am? I can do you one better than that.
How about the torch of the Statue of Liberty? Get out.
I made love to my new girlfriend up there.
I don't believe you.
I swear on my wife's head.
Having sex in public places is very exciting.
And the fear of getting caught adds that real erotic kick.
Or so I've read.
What about you, sir? What's your most interesting place? I don't know you people well enough to talk about something like that.
And I don't know you at all.
I shared with you.
Look, I did not come here to talk about sex.
My most interesting place is none of your business.
What the hell's going on today? Why are you getting all bent out of shape, man? I mean, we're just talking about a natural thing.
Yeah, John, it's no biggie.
I don't like talking about it, all right? Maybe there's not anything much to talk about.
I have plenty to talk about.
You know, who knows? Maybe I've taken a woman to Mount Rushmore and done it up Lincoln's nose.
But you're never gonna find out, because I keep those things to myself.
I say he's horny as a toad.
Shut up, will ya? You do sound a little defensive, Becker.
Yeah, even I can see that.
I'm not talking about this.
You know, people spend so much time taking about sex, they can't-- They can't possibly be getting as much as they say they are.
They're too busy calling talk shows, or typing in chat rooms, or sitting around diners swapping stories about the weirdest place they ever did it.
The Statue of Liberty? Sue me.
I'm a patriot.
Listen, just 'cause I live alone, and-- And work long hours, and eat most of my meals sitting right here, does not mean what you think it means.
You know, I'm fine.
I'm just-- Just fine.
You wanna sit around here, debase yourself all day? Go ahead.
I've got better things to do.
Let's not let him in here anymore.
Okay, Margaret, I'm wearing the lab coat just like you told me to.
Are you wearing anything under it? Margaret, here's a tip for ya: keep your kids out of our national monuments.
Who's up? Uh, new patient in Room 2, and a walk-in from the gym down the street.
Yeah, what room? Right behind you.
Oh, hi-- Lisa? Dr.
John Becker, come on back.
Actually, I'm having trouble putting weight on my leg.
Could you help me? Uh, sure.
How did this happen? I am so embarrassed.
I was teaching a body sculpting class and I fell and twisted my ankle.
I'm not too heavy for you, am I? No, no, you're fine.
Hey, doc, when was the last time you had it serviced? Excuse me? Your system.
How long's it been since you blew your pipes out? I-- I have no idea.
Just-- Just fix it.
This has never happened.
I never get hurt.
And I'm the most flexible woman you'll ever meet.
Ah, well, th-- That's nice.
Go ahead and put that gown on.
No, shut the door.
Oh, where am I? Ah, eczema.
Thank you, God.
Oh, brother.
Doctor, thank you for seeing me.
Look, I don't know how this started, but I have got to get rid of it.
Well, let's just, uh, see what we can do, here.
Uh, Carmen I don't have a last name for you here.
Well, that's my name.
I'm known only as Carmen.
Ah.
Well, uh, does your insurance company know you only as Carmen, Carmen? I'm paying cash.
Well, then, the hell with these bastards.
Uh, so where's the, uh--? Where's the problem? Well, see this here on the back of my neck? It's like this all over.
Between my breasts, on my thigh.
Do you want me to take my clothes off? No, hold it, hold it.
Um, we'll just work our way down.
Ahem.
I mean, uh, no, we'll take our time.
Justno.
See, I've got to keep my skin perfect.
I'm a dancer.
Ah.
Broadway? No, lap.
Yeah, I work close up.
And every night I miss means a lot of money to me.
Ah, yes.
Yeah, I'm sure.
Um, well, you-- You're right, you do have eczema.
Uh, do you use a moisturizer? Every day.
After I shower, I lotion my whole body.
I start at my ankles, and I slowly massage it in all the way up to my legs.
Ah! Sorry.
Excuse me.
Well, you know, uh, what causes this a lot is, uh, stress.
Anything out of the ordinary going on with you? Yeah.
I have eczema.
Right, right.
Right.
Uh, I meant, are you under a lot of, uh--? A lot of stress? Well, I dance six nights a week.
I mean, that's stressful enough.
Yeah.
Ah.
Sometimes, I just wish I could get away for a couple of days with someone.
Hm.
Out of the city, where no one knows us.
Be together, no strings attached, and just let it out.
Go wild.
Everyone needs a little of that once in a while, don't you think? Oh, I'm with you there.
I mean, yes, no, you're absolutely right.
Ahem.
Do you wanna see the rest? No.
Oh, no.
No, no, that won't be necessary.
Uh, I'll-- I'll tell you what.
This is a-- A cortisone ointment.
Why don't you go ahead and just apply that to all the areas that need application.
I'm glad you got me over here, doc.
Your system is getting ready to blow.
Stay away from me.
Uh, Dr.
Yates, please.
Dr.
Becker calling.
Julie? Hi, John Becker.
Ahem.
I-I know it's been a long time since I called, but I-I've been thinking about you lately, and, um, I just thought You know, I thought Would you like to go out to dinner? You know, catch a movie? Catch up a little? No, that-- That's true, I-- I do wanna do that too.
But it-- It wouldn't-- It wouldn't stop me from seeing a movie first, you know.
Not-- Not a real long one.
Well, you-- You're the one who said it was just physical.
Well, fine.
You know, fine.
Just remember, next time you need me, just give me a call.
What's going on? You're falling behind.
Uh, I'm just a little preoccupied, Marg.
Anything you wanna talk about? Oh, it's nothing I'm really comfortable discussing.
Who's next? Oh, the, uh, Parker sisters.
You know, those busty twins that shake it all over the neighborhood? Yeah, let me-- Let me guess.
They both came in with chest colds.
How did you know that? Been one of those days, Marg.
Hey, foreign guy, give it a rest.
Oh, look at that.
Even Kaddafi's got a girl.
Hi, I'm Tiffany.
Call me.
I wanna tell you things I've never told anyone.
Oh, hot, nasty things-- Do you want firm, shapely, sexy buns? I mean, just look at these! Jerry, I don't think nymphomaniac is a big enough word to describe me.
And in our final story for tonight, we'd like to wish a special happy birthday to Hazel Myers.
Today, the oldest woman in New York is 106 years old.
And not looking too bad either.
Wh--?! Becker? Don't say a word.