Better Call Saul (2015) s01e03 Episode Script
Nacho
1 Belinda here.
Yes.
- Name? - Charles McGill.
Client visit.
Here's Johnny! Hey, I knew you'd come.
All right.
You're a sight for sore eyes.
You're looking good.
Jimmy.
Sorry you had to come all this way.
It's a long way, right? It's a long way.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Only two things I know about Albuquerque Bugs Bunny should've taken a left turn there.
And, give me a hundred tries, I'll never be able to spell it.
Anyway As you can see, I'm in a A bit of a pickle.
You certainly are.
Forget the property damage and assault charges.
You face being labeled a sex offender, Jimmy.
If that happens, it'll follow you for the rest of your life.
That is insane! Okay? Th That is a trumped-up load of horse crap, Chuck, come on.
Is that what I tell the judge "Trumped-up load of horse crap"? I'm not the lawyer here, okay, but it was a simple Chicago sunroof.
"Sex offender"? That's not even remotely a Let's talk strategy, okay? 'Cause I need you to work your magic and make this whole situation go poof.
You got a plan of attack? Huh? Come on.
I know I haven't made it easy for you, but you are You are the man! Right? I know you got a million legal loopholes that we can dance through.
Big bag of tricks, you know? Any clever technicalities, huh? And reasonable-doubt type stuff? Come on, Chuck.
I haven't seen you in, what, five years? We barely hear from you.
Now that you're in it up to your neck, you can't even call me yourself? You have Mom call me? Mom took it upon herself to call you.
I was just letting her know where I was.
You didn't cry to her on the phone? What? No.
You didn't cry and beg Mom for help? What? Jesus! She hears what she wants to hear, okay? I'm gonna cry on a payphone in the middle of Cook County Jail.
Jesus! Can we Can we talk strategy here, huh? Look I know I'm a lousy brother.
I'm a lousy brother, I'm a big screw-up.
And if I was just a better person, I would not only stop letting you down You know what, I'd stop letting me down.
And it's about time that I started to make both of us proud.
Am I right? Guard.
Wait.
Chuck, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, no.
You can't leave me, no.
If I don't get out of this, my life is over! So long as you understand that.
Yeah.
Jimmy, if I do this If Do not make a fool out of me.
I promise I won't.
Everything you're doing, everything you're involved with, that's over.
Just tell me what to do.
Whatever it is, I'll do it.
Just say it.
Please, Chuck? Help me.
Hello? Hey.
It's me.
Jimmy? What's Uh Jesus, what time is it? Clock says 2:00, but I think that might be Ho Chi Minh's time zone.
What? What's happening? Is Chuck all right? Yeah.
Chuck Chuck is Chuck, all right? Everything's all right.
I just wanted to call you.
So, uh Hey, whatcha doing? Jimmy No.
I'm not talking dirty to you.
What? Wait, you think that's the only reason I would call you at this time of night? I mean, can you just give me Give me a little bit of credit, okay? And you're not talking dirty to me either.
Okay, bye.
I knew it.
Uh, joking.
Just joking.
Having fun with you.
I'm calling you tonight with quality PG phone conversation.
PG-13 at worst.
Uh-huh.
Hand to God, you know? Uh, but, uh, if you hang up now and drive straight over, limited time only, I'm offering a free pedicure and foot bath.
Is that right? Well, maybe next time.
Hey, more for me.
Uh, you're, uh, probably swamped with work anyways, what, with that big, fat, giant case falling right into your lap.
Which case is that? I don't know.
Some, uh, some county official or something? It was in all the papers.
Craig Kettleman.
Craig Kettleman, yeah! The primo client your dipwad boss stole right out from under me.
Nobody stole anybody.
The Kettlemans made a choice.
Yeah, so did the Donner Party when they took that shortcut.
Come on, Jimmy.
Hamlin is not that bad.
And I'm gonna be second chair if it ever goes to trial, so Be happy for me.
Hey, um, how much exactly did Kettleman get away with? Uh, excuse me, innocent until proven guilty? Uh, excuse me, but I'm a taxpayer in this county.
I think I have a right to know.
And besides, it's not like I'm his lawyer or anything.
I have to go to sleep.
So do you.
I know you have court in the morning.
He got away with a million, million-six, at least? I'm not talking details of the case with you.
Good night.
Where'd he stash all that dough? I mean, besides for buying that idiotic boat.
Hello, guilty.
Hanging up now.
This guy's Yeah, he's probably a target.
Somebody might get some bad, bad ideas.
You know, if Kettleman isn't careful with that money, I mean, his whole family could be in danger.
What do you mean "danger"? Jimmy, why would you say that? What? You said the family might be in danger.
I did? I Oh, I, uh I'm I'm drunk.
So, I'm just, uh I'm thinking out loud.
I'm I'm up, spinning, uh Spinning thoughts.
You sure? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh So, I'll see you down in the court bowels manana.
Good night, Kim.
Good night, Jimmy.
I'm no hero.
Hello! You've reached Team Kettleman! Please leave a message for Craig - Betsy - Warren And Jo Jo After the beep! Hello! You've reached Team Kettleman! Please leave a message Hello? Kettlemans, you're in danger.
You're in danger.
I'm s I'm sorry.
What? Craig, who is it? I am not sure.
Wait.
Say Say that again, please.
They know about your money.
Watch out.
Yeah, what are you trying to say? This is a warning.
You're in danger.
They're coming for your money.
This is a friendly stranger.
Your whole family is in danger.
They money They know about the money! You have a terrible connection.
I'm warning you.
They know about your money.
Be careful! Do you think Can you call back on a better line? Kettlemans, you're in danger.
They're coming for your money.
Bye.
What'd he say? We're "In danger.
" "They're coming.
" Who Who's coming? Okay, how about this, time served plus counseling? Can't do it.
It's his first offense.
Can't do it, McGill.
"Can't do it.
" "Can't do it.
" Would you work with me here? I'm listening, aren't I? Well, you're kind of a captive audience.
What'd you eat for lunch? The whole roast beast? Funny.
Okay, okay, hear me out.
Wow.
The 30 he's done, which is a 60 credit, plus 60 additional days.
Can't do it.
Best offer Six months plus the time he's done, half time for good behavior, out in 90.
That's my final.
That's never gonna happen.
Oh! Come on.
Now, are you joking? Now, that is the best deal you're gonna get.
I can't do it.
Your guy drove drunk into a shopping center and killed three people.
Wait.
Shopping center? Desmond Rojas.
Armed robbery, liquor store.
He assaulted the cashier with a bottle of Kahlua! Oh.
I was thinking of Daryl Redwood.
Yeah.
Okay, my bad.
Desmond Rojas.
Okay, go, start over.
I'm not starting over! I'm busting my nut here every day for 700 a throw, inhaling your BM, which is straight from Satan's bunghole, and you can't tell one defendant from another? 90 days with good behavior, we're doing this! Yeah, okay.
Yeah.
Say it.
Say the words, "I accept the deal.
" Yeah, I accept I accept the deal.
Good morning.
What do you mean, what did I mean? I No, I told you.
I was drunk.
I just Kim, why are you Why are you asking me this? Oh, damn it.
Here.
I'm in a real rush.
I didn't have time to get the validation.
Fine.
9 bucks.
I I don't have it.
I have $5.
Please? You know the drill, money or the validation.
Look, this is an emergency, okay? A serious, serious emergency.
I have to get out of here.
I promise, on the souls of my forefathers, I will get you the stickers when I come back.
I will get you extra if you just let me go.
Fine! Fine! You're gonna make me walk back and get the stickers, I'll walk back and get the stickers! I'm not making you do anything.
Those are the rules.
Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night.
Screw you, geezer! Copy that, dispatch.
Jimmy.
What brought you here? Me? Uh Uh, I was surfing the police scanner.
I heard there was big activity out this way.
Well, there's no business for you here, so maybe next time.
Uh, it was a home invasion? Uh, the Kettlemans okay? Uh, we don't know.
Neighbor was walking the dog last night, saw the front door wide open.
The place was ransacked.
No sign of the family.
There's no note, so We're still figuring it out.
I gotta get back.
Yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Good luck.
Why did you come here? I'm just supporting a friend in her time of need.
You wanna be supportive? Tell me why you said those things last night.
I'm just reading tea leaves, same way I knew the Kettlemans needed a lawyer.
All that money floating out there, it's logical somebody would come after it.
So, the same night you worry about them, they disappear? Yeah.
It's crazy.
It's Ripley's.
Jimmy, it's not just Craig and Betsy Kettleman, it's their two kids as well.
You would say something if you could help find them, right? I don't I don't know what happened to them.
Really, I I don't know.
The longer you stay here, the more explaining I have to do to Hamlin.
I'll talk to you later.
Hey, you'll tell me if there's anything I can do? Everything is gonna be fine.
It's gonna work out A-Okay.
It's gonna be fine.
Nacho.
Leave it.
Uh, yes, I'm, uh This is the party you spoke to the other day.
Uh, and I sincerely want to help you de-escalate your situation, uh, legally and otherwise.
Um, so call me at 146-8729 at your earliest convenience.
But soon, please.
Nacho.
Leave it.
Yeah, Nacho, hi.
Uh Just to clarify, look, I don't know anything.
I have spoken to no one, and, uh, there are no rats on this ship.
But for the sake of everyone involved, I would just like to open a dialogue.
So 146-8729.
Call me when you get this.
If I didn't say it before, time is of the essence on this matter, so, uh, I'm gonna hang up now If you're trying to call.
Uh, there's no call waiting here if you get a busy signal.
146-8729.
Just keep trying.
I'll be here.
I can put out this fire, if there is a fire.
By hope of hopes, this is all a big misunderstanding.
146-8729.
Hello? Hello? Nacho? Nacho? Walking.
Just walking.
Just strolling along.
Thank God! Help! Help! Down! Show us your hands! Stop! On the ground! You guys are cops? Show us your hands! I got bad knees! Ow! Ohh! Come on, officers.
You're making a mistake.
My name is McGill, James McGill.
I'm an attorney.
Easy, easy! It's his lawyer.
Whose lawyer? You sure he asked for me? You going in or what? Hey.
You asked for me, and I have come.
I want to tell you this was a wise move.
Very smart.
Because I'm here to help.
Everyone.
All parties.
But mostly you.
Uh, those two detectives They just gave me an earful.
And what they were telling me is It's problematic.
I'm gonna pitch it back to you so I know we're on the same page.
A neighbor lady saw a suspicious van parked across the street from the Kettlemans' house two nights in a row.
She wrote down the license plate.
It was your license plate.
Cops tracked your van and you, searched it, and found blood on the floor.
So, here we are.
Um Um They're calling the FBI in on this, which makes it federal.
That's a bad thing, Nacho.
That's That's very bad, but if you tell me where the family is, if you give them up now, full cooperation, deep remorse, I feel very good about knocking your sentence down to the minimum, 18 years.
They take this good behavior thing very seriously, so start here, right here.
Tell me the family is okay.
Tell me the kids are okay.
You want to tell me your thoughts and weigh in? Does this sound like a plan that you can get behind? You miserable piece of shit.
You set me up.
I what? You gave my score to another crew, and now you're setting me up.
I What the what? Did the cops beat you? 'Cause you're talking like a person with head trauma You think you're funny? What are you saying? Are you saying that you had nothing to do with this? That was your van outside the house.
Y You weren't there? Yeah, I was there.
I was casing the place, figuring out the best way in and out, what time they went to bed, all that.
They were fine when I left.
That's it.
You had nothing to do with the Kettlemans.
I was never in the house.
What about the blood in your van? They DNA my ride, all they're gonna find is the blood of your skate-rat twins, plus whatever piss and shit you leaked out when you were in there.
Nobody's been in the back of that van since.
I I don't understand.
Here's what I understand, Counselor.
I told my plan to one other person.
One You.
Now here I am, under arrest.
Go figure.
I don't know anything about a setup or another crew.
You know what? I don't even care.
The cops are out there right now, poking in to my business, and if they find something on me or my partners, for real, it's gonna be bad for you.
Really bad.
Bad? Bad as in You get me out of here today Or you're a dead man.
Oh, hey.
I asked if you knew anything.
You didn't tell me you were representing the lead suspect.
I didn't know it at the time.
He give up anything? What? Did he tell you where the family is? He doesn't know.
What does that mean, he doesn't know? He gave them to somebody else? He doesn't know because he didn't do it.
Ah, Christ.
Give me a break.
Guys, can you give us just a minute? Jimmy, that family is in real danger.
You don't have to stand behind attorney-client privilege.
I'm not.
These people can be buried in a box, sucking air through a straw right now.
And I'm sorry if that's where they are, but my guy didn't do it.
How are you so sure? You know what you're gonna do? You're gonna get your special CSI people, right? And you're gonna test the blood from that van, because I guarantee you, one billion percent, it's not the Kettlemans'.
Whose is it? It's not the Kettlemans'.
Just test it.
That'll take weeks, if we can even get a DNA sample to compare it to.
Well, isn't that convenient? You've got an innocent man in there right now, who I demand you release with an apology! There are no other suspects.
There's no evidence that points to anyone else.
Well, then, I want to see the crime scene, 'cause you guys are missing something.
Screw you, "Missing something.
" No, Detectives, I, um I think that's a good idea.
A good idea? Yes.
I think we should invite Mr.
McGill to the house.
Why? Yeah, why? So, what did we miss? This is the son's room.
Warren.
Twelve years old.
Jo Jo's room.
She's 7.
All right, you wanted me to crack? Mission accomplished.
But I'm telling you, my client didn't do this.
We know Varga was outside the house the night the family disappeared.
That is a fact.
Advocate for the guy all you want, after we get these people back safe.
In the meantime, help us.
Where's the doll? Where's the what? Uh, got little shoes, a bunch of clothes, a table and chairs, hairbrush, but where's the doll that goes with all this stuff? In every picture of this little girl, she's holding the same doll.
So, where's the doll? What does it matter? Doll is gone.
Girl is gone, which means doll and girl are most likely together, which means I have no idea what that means.
Which means the kid wasn't dragged out of the house, ipso facto Wait, wait.
What are you saying? Maybe the Kettlemans kidnapped themselves.
That's it.
You're You're done.
Let's go.
It makes perfect sense.
How does it make sense? Why would they do that? They stole a million dollars-plus, right? You You wanna get away with all that yummy cash, what do you do, run? No, you can't.
If you run, everyone knows you're guilty.
Ah! But if you're kidnapped, you're a victim, right? They staged this to throw everyone off.
You guys are looking in the wrong place.
Who knows how many miles into Mexico or Canada they could be.
You gotta put the word out.
Oh, come on.
You don't think it's possible I'm right? It's possible, unlikely.
Unlikely? All their cars are here.
There's no record of a taxi or car service to the house.
And they didn't get on any planes or buses or trains.
- You checked all that? - Yes, we checked it.
And the doll? It's not news.
We saw it was missing.
So where is it? The girl was scared, crying.
Bad guy lets the kid take the doll to shut her up.
What, you don't think that's possible? I need to talk to you.
Alone.
I've got to tell you something on the QT, and promise not to be upset with me.
No way am I making that promise.
I called the Kettlemans.
After I hung up with you, I gave them a warning call.
A warning call? Yeah, I was worried my guy Varga was going after their money.
And he was.
He was gonna rip them off.
I deduced it from a conversation that we had.
It was lawyer to client, so there was, you know, confidentiality issues.
But I called the Kettlemans anonymously to warn them.
Anonymously? You didn't Oh, God, you didn't You didn't do the sex robot voice, did you? I did, with the tube and the whole thing, which probably scared the living shit out of them, and they took off, which, you know, file that under "unintended consequences," but you You believe me now? Uh Great! Now we have to find them.
Or better yet, get the cops to let Varga go because right now, my ass is on the highway to the danger zone.
Why are you in danger? Nacho Varga.
He didn't kidnap the family, but he's a bad guy.
He's a very bad guy.
And if the cops keep pushing him, they're gonna find something.
And when that happens, Nacho blames me, and then his guys turn me into a meat pinata.
Jimmy, tell the police.
No, there's There's no way I'm gonna rat on this guy.
I will never be safe.
No, I have to convince the cops that I'm right, get them to stop looking at Nacho, and catch the Kettlemans on the run.
And if they never catch them? The Kettlemans? Well, you've met these people, right? They're not exactly masterminds, right? They will be caught if the cops are looking for them, so you tell them to, would you? FBI, too.
I heard they're getting in on this.
Why would the FBI listen to me? Well, Hamlin They'll listen to him, right? APD, at least.
You talk to Howard.
You explain things to him.
He has clout with these people.
What? Is that a no or Hamlin will never agree to it.
The Kettlemans are our clients.
This would mean incriminating them.
Oh, you You see? This is why people hate lawyers.
It's Hamlin's call, and Hamlin will never agree.
And even if it were up to me, you know I couldn't.
I'm sorry.
I just I get it.
Where are you going? I'm gonna go talk to Nacho.
I'll try to make him see reason.
To beg! Come on.
Come on! Right.
Yeah.
Hey.
I was a jerk, okay? So, I will I will pay you what I owe you, plus interest, if you just let me come through.
I suggest you find parking somewhere else.
Somewhere else, as in Where somewhere else? Not my concern.
Uh, actually, uh, this is your job, so, by definition, it's your concern.
So pump out the ticket and open the stupid gate already, please.
I mean, I don't have time for this.
All All right.
Hey.
I'm gonna I'm gonna park right here.
I don't think you wanna be doing that.
Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? You got a poop-filled diaper in there? You're gonna throw it at me? You gonna gum me to death, huh, geezer? Ohh! Whoa, ow! We're talking about a family, mom, dad, two kids.
Lawyer's got this bullshit theory about them staging this and running off with the money.
You know the story? Yeah, county treasurer embezzled funds.
I read the paper.
Yeah, well, we got this gangbanger dead to rights.
Only problem is your guy over there.
He needs to help us get his scumbag client to talk.
So, what do you say? You on board? Help us do some good.
Sure.
Okay, here's the deal.
You assaulted this man.
Give me a break.
I barely touched the guy.
But you laid hands on him first.
Finger I laid finger on him.
Well, whatever your interpretation, it was still an assault.
Now, this gentleman is willing to let this go, not press charges, if you help us out.
You gotta get your client to tell us where he has the family stashed.
Wait, guys, I'm the definition of a broken record on this one.
Nacho is "not-cho" man, comprendo? Nobody took the Kettlemans.
The Kettlemans took themselves! You're gonna keep playing that line, it's gonna go rough.
You know what? Do your worst.
All right.
Let's go.
To booking.
Yeah.
Sure.
Fine.
Perfect end to a perfect day.
Hey, guys, wait a second.
I changed my mind.
I'm sorry, what? I don't wanna press charges.
We talked about this.
You want to press charges.
No.
No, I don't.
What're you doing, buddy? I thought you had our backs.
No, I don't think I said that, buddy.
So, what, you get a chance to do the right thing and you puss out? Mmm Yeah.
Well, I guess it's my loss.
Hey, Cagney, Lacey.
When you realize how wrong you are about all this, I'll take an Edible Arrangement as a "sorry.
" Heavy on the pineapple.
Hey, hold up.
How come you let me off the hook back there? I'm going back to work.
Why don't you quit while you're ahead and go on your way? No, I refuse to believe it's because you have something resembling a heart inside your body.
You're not gonna have a heart inside your body in about five seconds.
Okay, don't tell me, all right? I already know why you did it.
Yeah? Why's that? 'Cause you believe me.
That family kidnapped themselves.
All right, I believe you.
I knew it! I knew it! Finally, someone believes me! Why do you believe me? I heard the details.
Your story makes sense.
Of course it does! But, devil's advocate.
Like the cops said, the Kettlemans' cars are still at their house.
There's no record of them leaving.
How'd they get out of the country? They didn't.
Odds are, they didn't get out of their neighborhood.
What? They Come again? Look, when I was still on the job back in Philly, we had this case Whoa, hold up.
Hold up.
Now, wait.
"On the job," as in you were a cop on the job? This bookie disappeared after the Super Bowl Cowboys/Steelers.
Took $6 million in bets and skipped town when things didn't go his way.
Now, everybody thought he was on the beach in The Bahamas or dead in the Jersey Pine Barrens Wasn't the case.
He was two doors down from where he lived in a foreclosed house.
Hid there for six months without anyone suspecting.
But why? Why not run? Now, that's what everybody expects.
It's human nature to want to stay close to home, and if this Kettleman figured out how to do it, that's what he did.
Nobody wants to leave home.
Baby, you know me well You know I mean what I say Before I say farewell I'll give you one more day So you can find out what's happening Find out what's happening before long Ooh, ooh, ooh If you don't find out what's happening You're gonna find out that I'm gone Gone, gone, gone, gone Tell me what you're gonna do You'd better make up your mind It all depends on you Oh, I'm leaving you behind You'd better find out what's happening Find out what's happening before long Ooh, ooh, ooh If you don't find out what's happening You're gonna find out that I'm gone Gone, gone, gone, gone Baby, you know it's true We've been through thick and thin But if you don't come through You won't ever see me again You'd better find out what's happening Find out what's happening before long Ooh, ooh, ooh If you don't find out what's happening You're gonna find your daddy gone Gone, gone, gone, gone Find out what's happening Find out what's happening Find out what's happening Find out what's happening Find out what's happening I know.
It's pretty exciting.
Let's really sell this one, okay? Let's do this.
And There was a farmer had a dog And Bingo was his name-o B-I-N-G-O B-I-N-G-O B-I-N-G-O, and Bingo was his name-o There was a farmer had a dog And Bingo was his name-o I-N-G-O I-N-G-O I-N-G-O And Bingo was his name-o There was a farmer had a dog, And Bingo was his name-o N-G-O, N-G-O - Hey, it's me.
- Listen to this.
N-G-O, and Bingo was his name-o There was a farmer had a dog You hear that? I found your dumbass clients.
G-O, G-O, G-O It's a long story.
And Bingo was his name-o Look, I'm I'm taking them back to their place.
We'll meet you there.
Bingo was his name-o Give me a couple hours.
O, O, O And Bingo was his name-o Hey.
Yay! That was great, guys.
Yeah, I think we have time for one more before bed.
Do we have to? Oh, hey, I don't know about you, but I would love a little John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
Yeah, and you know what? Let's really have fun with this one.
Okay, Kettle Team? Let's do this.
And Here's Johnny! Hey, Warren.
Hey, Jo Jo.
Uh, sorry about that.
I'm your Uncle Jimmy, all right? Now, your parents are gonna take you down the mountain back to your house.
That sound good? Uh, we Yeah.
See, they're excited.
Mr.
McGill, can we talk about this? No, we can't, okay? You're done here.
Pack up your stuff, bury your scat, 'cause we're heading back.
Civilization awaits.
Finally.
Look.
Please, could we just talk this through? It's not an option.
You either do this on your own recognizance or the cops come and drag you by your heels.
I Let's go.
Kettlemans, time to ship out! No.
No! Yes, you are.
This is happening! No! No! This is not happening! Yes, it is! Yes, it Yes! Kettlemans! No! Yes, you are doing this now! No! Yeah.
Yes.
- Name? - Charles McGill.
Client visit.
Here's Johnny! Hey, I knew you'd come.
All right.
You're a sight for sore eyes.
You're looking good.
Jimmy.
Sorry you had to come all this way.
It's a long way, right? It's a long way.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Only two things I know about Albuquerque Bugs Bunny should've taken a left turn there.
And, give me a hundred tries, I'll never be able to spell it.
Anyway As you can see, I'm in a A bit of a pickle.
You certainly are.
Forget the property damage and assault charges.
You face being labeled a sex offender, Jimmy.
If that happens, it'll follow you for the rest of your life.
That is insane! Okay? Th That is a trumped-up load of horse crap, Chuck, come on.
Is that what I tell the judge "Trumped-up load of horse crap"? I'm not the lawyer here, okay, but it was a simple Chicago sunroof.
"Sex offender"? That's not even remotely a Let's talk strategy, okay? 'Cause I need you to work your magic and make this whole situation go poof.
You got a plan of attack? Huh? Come on.
I know I haven't made it easy for you, but you are You are the man! Right? I know you got a million legal loopholes that we can dance through.
Big bag of tricks, you know? Any clever technicalities, huh? And reasonable-doubt type stuff? Come on, Chuck.
I haven't seen you in, what, five years? We barely hear from you.
Now that you're in it up to your neck, you can't even call me yourself? You have Mom call me? Mom took it upon herself to call you.
I was just letting her know where I was.
You didn't cry to her on the phone? What? No.
You didn't cry and beg Mom for help? What? Jesus! She hears what she wants to hear, okay? I'm gonna cry on a payphone in the middle of Cook County Jail.
Jesus! Can we Can we talk strategy here, huh? Look I know I'm a lousy brother.
I'm a lousy brother, I'm a big screw-up.
And if I was just a better person, I would not only stop letting you down You know what, I'd stop letting me down.
And it's about time that I started to make both of us proud.
Am I right? Guard.
Wait.
Chuck, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, no.
You can't leave me, no.
If I don't get out of this, my life is over! So long as you understand that.
Yeah.
Jimmy, if I do this If Do not make a fool out of me.
I promise I won't.
Everything you're doing, everything you're involved with, that's over.
Just tell me what to do.
Whatever it is, I'll do it.
Just say it.
Please, Chuck? Help me.
Hello? Hey.
It's me.
Jimmy? What's Uh Jesus, what time is it? Clock says 2:00, but I think that might be Ho Chi Minh's time zone.
What? What's happening? Is Chuck all right? Yeah.
Chuck Chuck is Chuck, all right? Everything's all right.
I just wanted to call you.
So, uh Hey, whatcha doing? Jimmy No.
I'm not talking dirty to you.
What? Wait, you think that's the only reason I would call you at this time of night? I mean, can you just give me Give me a little bit of credit, okay? And you're not talking dirty to me either.
Okay, bye.
I knew it.
Uh, joking.
Just joking.
Having fun with you.
I'm calling you tonight with quality PG phone conversation.
PG-13 at worst.
Uh-huh.
Hand to God, you know? Uh, but, uh, if you hang up now and drive straight over, limited time only, I'm offering a free pedicure and foot bath.
Is that right? Well, maybe next time.
Hey, more for me.
Uh, you're, uh, probably swamped with work anyways, what, with that big, fat, giant case falling right into your lap.
Which case is that? I don't know.
Some, uh, some county official or something? It was in all the papers.
Craig Kettleman.
Craig Kettleman, yeah! The primo client your dipwad boss stole right out from under me.
Nobody stole anybody.
The Kettlemans made a choice.
Yeah, so did the Donner Party when they took that shortcut.
Come on, Jimmy.
Hamlin is not that bad.
And I'm gonna be second chair if it ever goes to trial, so Be happy for me.
Hey, um, how much exactly did Kettleman get away with? Uh, excuse me, innocent until proven guilty? Uh, excuse me, but I'm a taxpayer in this county.
I think I have a right to know.
And besides, it's not like I'm his lawyer or anything.
I have to go to sleep.
So do you.
I know you have court in the morning.
He got away with a million, million-six, at least? I'm not talking details of the case with you.
Good night.
Where'd he stash all that dough? I mean, besides for buying that idiotic boat.
Hello, guilty.
Hanging up now.
This guy's Yeah, he's probably a target.
Somebody might get some bad, bad ideas.
You know, if Kettleman isn't careful with that money, I mean, his whole family could be in danger.
What do you mean "danger"? Jimmy, why would you say that? What? You said the family might be in danger.
I did? I Oh, I, uh I'm I'm drunk.
So, I'm just, uh I'm thinking out loud.
I'm I'm up, spinning, uh Spinning thoughts.
You sure? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh So, I'll see you down in the court bowels manana.
Good night, Kim.
Good night, Jimmy.
I'm no hero.
Hello! You've reached Team Kettleman! Please leave a message for Craig - Betsy - Warren And Jo Jo After the beep! Hello! You've reached Team Kettleman! Please leave a message Hello? Kettlemans, you're in danger.
You're in danger.
I'm s I'm sorry.
What? Craig, who is it? I am not sure.
Wait.
Say Say that again, please.
They know about your money.
Watch out.
Yeah, what are you trying to say? This is a warning.
You're in danger.
They're coming for your money.
This is a friendly stranger.
Your whole family is in danger.
They money They know about the money! You have a terrible connection.
I'm warning you.
They know about your money.
Be careful! Do you think Can you call back on a better line? Kettlemans, you're in danger.
They're coming for your money.
Bye.
What'd he say? We're "In danger.
" "They're coming.
" Who Who's coming? Okay, how about this, time served plus counseling? Can't do it.
It's his first offense.
Can't do it, McGill.
"Can't do it.
" "Can't do it.
" Would you work with me here? I'm listening, aren't I? Well, you're kind of a captive audience.
What'd you eat for lunch? The whole roast beast? Funny.
Okay, okay, hear me out.
Wow.
The 30 he's done, which is a 60 credit, plus 60 additional days.
Can't do it.
Best offer Six months plus the time he's done, half time for good behavior, out in 90.
That's my final.
That's never gonna happen.
Oh! Come on.
Now, are you joking? Now, that is the best deal you're gonna get.
I can't do it.
Your guy drove drunk into a shopping center and killed three people.
Wait.
Shopping center? Desmond Rojas.
Armed robbery, liquor store.
He assaulted the cashier with a bottle of Kahlua! Oh.
I was thinking of Daryl Redwood.
Yeah.
Okay, my bad.
Desmond Rojas.
Okay, go, start over.
I'm not starting over! I'm busting my nut here every day for 700 a throw, inhaling your BM, which is straight from Satan's bunghole, and you can't tell one defendant from another? 90 days with good behavior, we're doing this! Yeah, okay.
Yeah.
Say it.
Say the words, "I accept the deal.
" Yeah, I accept I accept the deal.
Good morning.
What do you mean, what did I mean? I No, I told you.
I was drunk.
I just Kim, why are you Why are you asking me this? Oh, damn it.
Here.
I'm in a real rush.
I didn't have time to get the validation.
Fine.
9 bucks.
I I don't have it.
I have $5.
Please? You know the drill, money or the validation.
Look, this is an emergency, okay? A serious, serious emergency.
I have to get out of here.
I promise, on the souls of my forefathers, I will get you the stickers when I come back.
I will get you extra if you just let me go.
Fine! Fine! You're gonna make me walk back and get the stickers, I'll walk back and get the stickers! I'm not making you do anything.
Those are the rules.
Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night.
Screw you, geezer! Copy that, dispatch.
Jimmy.
What brought you here? Me? Uh Uh, I was surfing the police scanner.
I heard there was big activity out this way.
Well, there's no business for you here, so maybe next time.
Uh, it was a home invasion? Uh, the Kettlemans okay? Uh, we don't know.
Neighbor was walking the dog last night, saw the front door wide open.
The place was ransacked.
No sign of the family.
There's no note, so We're still figuring it out.
I gotta get back.
Yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Good luck.
Why did you come here? I'm just supporting a friend in her time of need.
You wanna be supportive? Tell me why you said those things last night.
I'm just reading tea leaves, same way I knew the Kettlemans needed a lawyer.
All that money floating out there, it's logical somebody would come after it.
So, the same night you worry about them, they disappear? Yeah.
It's crazy.
It's Ripley's.
Jimmy, it's not just Craig and Betsy Kettleman, it's their two kids as well.
You would say something if you could help find them, right? I don't I don't know what happened to them.
Really, I I don't know.
The longer you stay here, the more explaining I have to do to Hamlin.
I'll talk to you later.
Hey, you'll tell me if there's anything I can do? Everything is gonna be fine.
It's gonna work out A-Okay.
It's gonna be fine.
Nacho.
Leave it.
Uh, yes, I'm, uh This is the party you spoke to the other day.
Uh, and I sincerely want to help you de-escalate your situation, uh, legally and otherwise.
Um, so call me at 146-8729 at your earliest convenience.
But soon, please.
Nacho.
Leave it.
Yeah, Nacho, hi.
Uh Just to clarify, look, I don't know anything.
I have spoken to no one, and, uh, there are no rats on this ship.
But for the sake of everyone involved, I would just like to open a dialogue.
So 146-8729.
Call me when you get this.
If I didn't say it before, time is of the essence on this matter, so, uh, I'm gonna hang up now If you're trying to call.
Uh, there's no call waiting here if you get a busy signal.
146-8729.
Just keep trying.
I'll be here.
I can put out this fire, if there is a fire.
By hope of hopes, this is all a big misunderstanding.
146-8729.
Hello? Hello? Nacho? Nacho? Walking.
Just walking.
Just strolling along.
Thank God! Help! Help! Down! Show us your hands! Stop! On the ground! You guys are cops? Show us your hands! I got bad knees! Ow! Ohh! Come on, officers.
You're making a mistake.
My name is McGill, James McGill.
I'm an attorney.
Easy, easy! It's his lawyer.
Whose lawyer? You sure he asked for me? You going in or what? Hey.
You asked for me, and I have come.
I want to tell you this was a wise move.
Very smart.
Because I'm here to help.
Everyone.
All parties.
But mostly you.
Uh, those two detectives They just gave me an earful.
And what they were telling me is It's problematic.
I'm gonna pitch it back to you so I know we're on the same page.
A neighbor lady saw a suspicious van parked across the street from the Kettlemans' house two nights in a row.
She wrote down the license plate.
It was your license plate.
Cops tracked your van and you, searched it, and found blood on the floor.
So, here we are.
Um Um They're calling the FBI in on this, which makes it federal.
That's a bad thing, Nacho.
That's That's very bad, but if you tell me where the family is, if you give them up now, full cooperation, deep remorse, I feel very good about knocking your sentence down to the minimum, 18 years.
They take this good behavior thing very seriously, so start here, right here.
Tell me the family is okay.
Tell me the kids are okay.
You want to tell me your thoughts and weigh in? Does this sound like a plan that you can get behind? You miserable piece of shit.
You set me up.
I what? You gave my score to another crew, and now you're setting me up.
I What the what? Did the cops beat you? 'Cause you're talking like a person with head trauma You think you're funny? What are you saying? Are you saying that you had nothing to do with this? That was your van outside the house.
Y You weren't there? Yeah, I was there.
I was casing the place, figuring out the best way in and out, what time they went to bed, all that.
They were fine when I left.
That's it.
You had nothing to do with the Kettlemans.
I was never in the house.
What about the blood in your van? They DNA my ride, all they're gonna find is the blood of your skate-rat twins, plus whatever piss and shit you leaked out when you were in there.
Nobody's been in the back of that van since.
I I don't understand.
Here's what I understand, Counselor.
I told my plan to one other person.
One You.
Now here I am, under arrest.
Go figure.
I don't know anything about a setup or another crew.
You know what? I don't even care.
The cops are out there right now, poking in to my business, and if they find something on me or my partners, for real, it's gonna be bad for you.
Really bad.
Bad? Bad as in You get me out of here today Or you're a dead man.
Oh, hey.
I asked if you knew anything.
You didn't tell me you were representing the lead suspect.
I didn't know it at the time.
He give up anything? What? Did he tell you where the family is? He doesn't know.
What does that mean, he doesn't know? He gave them to somebody else? He doesn't know because he didn't do it.
Ah, Christ.
Give me a break.
Guys, can you give us just a minute? Jimmy, that family is in real danger.
You don't have to stand behind attorney-client privilege.
I'm not.
These people can be buried in a box, sucking air through a straw right now.
And I'm sorry if that's where they are, but my guy didn't do it.
How are you so sure? You know what you're gonna do? You're gonna get your special CSI people, right? And you're gonna test the blood from that van, because I guarantee you, one billion percent, it's not the Kettlemans'.
Whose is it? It's not the Kettlemans'.
Just test it.
That'll take weeks, if we can even get a DNA sample to compare it to.
Well, isn't that convenient? You've got an innocent man in there right now, who I demand you release with an apology! There are no other suspects.
There's no evidence that points to anyone else.
Well, then, I want to see the crime scene, 'cause you guys are missing something.
Screw you, "Missing something.
" No, Detectives, I, um I think that's a good idea.
A good idea? Yes.
I think we should invite Mr.
McGill to the house.
Why? Yeah, why? So, what did we miss? This is the son's room.
Warren.
Twelve years old.
Jo Jo's room.
She's 7.
All right, you wanted me to crack? Mission accomplished.
But I'm telling you, my client didn't do this.
We know Varga was outside the house the night the family disappeared.
That is a fact.
Advocate for the guy all you want, after we get these people back safe.
In the meantime, help us.
Where's the doll? Where's the what? Uh, got little shoes, a bunch of clothes, a table and chairs, hairbrush, but where's the doll that goes with all this stuff? In every picture of this little girl, she's holding the same doll.
So, where's the doll? What does it matter? Doll is gone.
Girl is gone, which means doll and girl are most likely together, which means I have no idea what that means.
Which means the kid wasn't dragged out of the house, ipso facto Wait, wait.
What are you saying? Maybe the Kettlemans kidnapped themselves.
That's it.
You're You're done.
Let's go.
It makes perfect sense.
How does it make sense? Why would they do that? They stole a million dollars-plus, right? You You wanna get away with all that yummy cash, what do you do, run? No, you can't.
If you run, everyone knows you're guilty.
Ah! But if you're kidnapped, you're a victim, right? They staged this to throw everyone off.
You guys are looking in the wrong place.
Who knows how many miles into Mexico or Canada they could be.
You gotta put the word out.
Oh, come on.
You don't think it's possible I'm right? It's possible, unlikely.
Unlikely? All their cars are here.
There's no record of a taxi or car service to the house.
And they didn't get on any planes or buses or trains.
- You checked all that? - Yes, we checked it.
And the doll? It's not news.
We saw it was missing.
So where is it? The girl was scared, crying.
Bad guy lets the kid take the doll to shut her up.
What, you don't think that's possible? I need to talk to you.
Alone.
I've got to tell you something on the QT, and promise not to be upset with me.
No way am I making that promise.
I called the Kettlemans.
After I hung up with you, I gave them a warning call.
A warning call? Yeah, I was worried my guy Varga was going after their money.
And he was.
He was gonna rip them off.
I deduced it from a conversation that we had.
It was lawyer to client, so there was, you know, confidentiality issues.
But I called the Kettlemans anonymously to warn them.
Anonymously? You didn't Oh, God, you didn't You didn't do the sex robot voice, did you? I did, with the tube and the whole thing, which probably scared the living shit out of them, and they took off, which, you know, file that under "unintended consequences," but you You believe me now? Uh Great! Now we have to find them.
Or better yet, get the cops to let Varga go because right now, my ass is on the highway to the danger zone.
Why are you in danger? Nacho Varga.
He didn't kidnap the family, but he's a bad guy.
He's a very bad guy.
And if the cops keep pushing him, they're gonna find something.
And when that happens, Nacho blames me, and then his guys turn me into a meat pinata.
Jimmy, tell the police.
No, there's There's no way I'm gonna rat on this guy.
I will never be safe.
No, I have to convince the cops that I'm right, get them to stop looking at Nacho, and catch the Kettlemans on the run.
And if they never catch them? The Kettlemans? Well, you've met these people, right? They're not exactly masterminds, right? They will be caught if the cops are looking for them, so you tell them to, would you? FBI, too.
I heard they're getting in on this.
Why would the FBI listen to me? Well, Hamlin They'll listen to him, right? APD, at least.
You talk to Howard.
You explain things to him.
He has clout with these people.
What? Is that a no or Hamlin will never agree to it.
The Kettlemans are our clients.
This would mean incriminating them.
Oh, you You see? This is why people hate lawyers.
It's Hamlin's call, and Hamlin will never agree.
And even if it were up to me, you know I couldn't.
I'm sorry.
I just I get it.
Where are you going? I'm gonna go talk to Nacho.
I'll try to make him see reason.
To beg! Come on.
Come on! Right.
Yeah.
Hey.
I was a jerk, okay? So, I will I will pay you what I owe you, plus interest, if you just let me come through.
I suggest you find parking somewhere else.
Somewhere else, as in Where somewhere else? Not my concern.
Uh, actually, uh, this is your job, so, by definition, it's your concern.
So pump out the ticket and open the stupid gate already, please.
I mean, I don't have time for this.
All All right.
Hey.
I'm gonna I'm gonna park right here.
I don't think you wanna be doing that.
Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? You got a poop-filled diaper in there? You're gonna throw it at me? You gonna gum me to death, huh, geezer? Ohh! Whoa, ow! We're talking about a family, mom, dad, two kids.
Lawyer's got this bullshit theory about them staging this and running off with the money.
You know the story? Yeah, county treasurer embezzled funds.
I read the paper.
Yeah, well, we got this gangbanger dead to rights.
Only problem is your guy over there.
He needs to help us get his scumbag client to talk.
So, what do you say? You on board? Help us do some good.
Sure.
Okay, here's the deal.
You assaulted this man.
Give me a break.
I barely touched the guy.
But you laid hands on him first.
Finger I laid finger on him.
Well, whatever your interpretation, it was still an assault.
Now, this gentleman is willing to let this go, not press charges, if you help us out.
You gotta get your client to tell us where he has the family stashed.
Wait, guys, I'm the definition of a broken record on this one.
Nacho is "not-cho" man, comprendo? Nobody took the Kettlemans.
The Kettlemans took themselves! You're gonna keep playing that line, it's gonna go rough.
You know what? Do your worst.
All right.
Let's go.
To booking.
Yeah.
Sure.
Fine.
Perfect end to a perfect day.
Hey, guys, wait a second.
I changed my mind.
I'm sorry, what? I don't wanna press charges.
We talked about this.
You want to press charges.
No.
No, I don't.
What're you doing, buddy? I thought you had our backs.
No, I don't think I said that, buddy.
So, what, you get a chance to do the right thing and you puss out? Mmm Yeah.
Well, I guess it's my loss.
Hey, Cagney, Lacey.
When you realize how wrong you are about all this, I'll take an Edible Arrangement as a "sorry.
" Heavy on the pineapple.
Hey, hold up.
How come you let me off the hook back there? I'm going back to work.
Why don't you quit while you're ahead and go on your way? No, I refuse to believe it's because you have something resembling a heart inside your body.
You're not gonna have a heart inside your body in about five seconds.
Okay, don't tell me, all right? I already know why you did it.
Yeah? Why's that? 'Cause you believe me.
That family kidnapped themselves.
All right, I believe you.
I knew it! I knew it! Finally, someone believes me! Why do you believe me? I heard the details.
Your story makes sense.
Of course it does! But, devil's advocate.
Like the cops said, the Kettlemans' cars are still at their house.
There's no record of them leaving.
How'd they get out of the country? They didn't.
Odds are, they didn't get out of their neighborhood.
What? They Come again? Look, when I was still on the job back in Philly, we had this case Whoa, hold up.
Hold up.
Now, wait.
"On the job," as in you were a cop on the job? This bookie disappeared after the Super Bowl Cowboys/Steelers.
Took $6 million in bets and skipped town when things didn't go his way.
Now, everybody thought he was on the beach in The Bahamas or dead in the Jersey Pine Barrens Wasn't the case.
He was two doors down from where he lived in a foreclosed house.
Hid there for six months without anyone suspecting.
But why? Why not run? Now, that's what everybody expects.
It's human nature to want to stay close to home, and if this Kettleman figured out how to do it, that's what he did.
Nobody wants to leave home.
Baby, you know me well You know I mean what I say Before I say farewell I'll give you one more day So you can find out what's happening Find out what's happening before long Ooh, ooh, ooh If you don't find out what's happening You're gonna find out that I'm gone Gone, gone, gone, gone Tell me what you're gonna do You'd better make up your mind It all depends on you Oh, I'm leaving you behind You'd better find out what's happening Find out what's happening before long Ooh, ooh, ooh If you don't find out what's happening You're gonna find out that I'm gone Gone, gone, gone, gone Baby, you know it's true We've been through thick and thin But if you don't come through You won't ever see me again You'd better find out what's happening Find out what's happening before long Ooh, ooh, ooh If you don't find out what's happening You're gonna find your daddy gone Gone, gone, gone, gone Find out what's happening Find out what's happening Find out what's happening Find out what's happening Find out what's happening I know.
It's pretty exciting.
Let's really sell this one, okay? Let's do this.
And There was a farmer had a dog And Bingo was his name-o B-I-N-G-O B-I-N-G-O B-I-N-G-O, and Bingo was his name-o There was a farmer had a dog And Bingo was his name-o I-N-G-O I-N-G-O I-N-G-O And Bingo was his name-o There was a farmer had a dog, And Bingo was his name-o N-G-O, N-G-O - Hey, it's me.
- Listen to this.
N-G-O, and Bingo was his name-o There was a farmer had a dog You hear that? I found your dumbass clients.
G-O, G-O, G-O It's a long story.
And Bingo was his name-o Look, I'm I'm taking them back to their place.
We'll meet you there.
Bingo was his name-o Give me a couple hours.
O, O, O And Bingo was his name-o Hey.
Yay! That was great, guys.
Yeah, I think we have time for one more before bed.
Do we have to? Oh, hey, I don't know about you, but I would love a little John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
Yeah, and you know what? Let's really have fun with this one.
Okay, Kettle Team? Let's do this.
And Here's Johnny! Hey, Warren.
Hey, Jo Jo.
Uh, sorry about that.
I'm your Uncle Jimmy, all right? Now, your parents are gonna take you down the mountain back to your house.
That sound good? Uh, we Yeah.
See, they're excited.
Mr.
McGill, can we talk about this? No, we can't, okay? You're done here.
Pack up your stuff, bury your scat, 'cause we're heading back.
Civilization awaits.
Finally.
Look.
Please, could we just talk this through? It's not an option.
You either do this on your own recognizance or the cops come and drag you by your heels.
I Let's go.
Kettlemans, time to ship out! No.
No! Yes, you are.
This is happening! No! No! This is not happening! Yes, it is! Yes, it Yes! Kettlemans! No! Yes, you are doing this now! No! Yeah.