Better With You s01e03 Episode Script

It'll get super embarrassed and turn itself off.
It's worth a try.
Morning.
Morning.
Rent's due.
Mailed it.
Dry cleaning? Ready after 5:00.
Lunch? Meeting.
Bummer.
Mint.
Blue suit black socks or brown? Black.
The brown ones make your ankles go numb.
You care about my ankles.
Mm.
Oh, God.
I don't know where I'd be without someone to see this thing through why does dad want us all over here anyway? I mean, what kind of news could he have? Oh, it's probably nothing.
Last time he gathered us all together, it was just to use up eggs that were about to go bad.
Mm.
Well, I hope they hurry.
Mia and I have to go to the baby doctor, then break up with her boyfriend, then get ice cream.
I'm sorry.
Do what? Go to the baby doctor.
No, no.
No, the other, more obviously weird thing.
Ice cream's not weird, dude.
Look, it's nothing.
I just have this boyfriend I never officially broke up with.
Supersensitive Steve? Ohh.
Yeah.
Wait, but "boyfriend" is not even the right word.
We went out a couple of times.
A little under-the-shirt, over-the-bra.
It was nothing.
I thought you ended it with supersensitive Steve the day after you met Casey.
Ohh.
I tried to break up with him, like, five times, but I chickened out because everything I said made him so sad, so this time I asked Casey to come along and help me.
Mia, you realize this not-being-able-to-hurt- people's-feelings thing is a recurring problem.
You have two cleaning ladies because when you tried to fire the sucky one, she cried.
That does not prove anything.
Wait, you used to only have two cleaning ladies? Hi, kids.
Enough talk.
I have news.
Everyone I Am opening for the red hot chili peppers.
Sorry.
Sometimes you leave a long pause, it's hard not to jump in.
Now I Shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot no deputy.
That is hard to resist.
Okay.
Well, is everybody done? Okay? We're finished? Good.
Okay.
I have figured out the theme for this year's Putney family Christmas card.
And all I can say is, it is a doozy.
Christmas card already? It's only October.
Oh, I have to start weeks in advance.
There's, uh, the costumes, the photoshopping, the the teeth whitening.
Yeah, I w I was actually running a little bit late.
Fortunately, genius struck today halfway through my morning sit-ups.
Sit-up.
And your mother is angry that I won't let her parade around naked on the card.
Not naked.
I just, for once, would like to wear something a little sexy.
She wants hot pants.
I have great legs.
The people should know it.
The people have children, Vicky, and they're not gonna want your legs on their mantle.
We'll end up as a fridge card.
Fridge card? Oh, here we go.
There are three types of holiday cards, Casey.
Top of the pyramid is the mantle card.
That is the créme de la créme.
Then you have the refrigerator card.
It's still an honorable place to be, but you're sharing space with recipes and a kid's crappy drawing of a horse.
Dad.
I didn't like your drawings, Mia.
I've always been honest about that.
Bottom of the pyramid is your bowl card.
That's a card that just gets, you know, tossed into a big bowl in the center of the coffee table, gathering dust and shame.
That's why this card is so important.
I am proud to say that the Putneys have never had anything but mantle cards.
So any hints on this year's theme? As usual, I will keep it a secret until the big day to amp up excitement to a fever pitch, so no hints.
- Oh.
But I will need to measure your heads for police hats.
Hats.
Just just hats.
Crap! Maddie, you're first.
Okay.
He does these things every year, and they are awful.
No, wait.
That's not strong enough.
Horrible.
No, still needs more.
Mm.
The embarrassing thing in the world.
Yes, that feels right.
Come on, Ben.
They're not that bad.
Mia, you're next.
Ooh! The good news is that Joel's rule is the card is family only, so you and I will never have to be in it.
All right.
Casey, get up here.
You're in the card, too.
I'm measuring you next.
Uh, it's 22 inches.
Measure it every fall.
Guess I was wrong.
Guess we're both in the card this year.
Oh, no.
Not not you, Ben.
Just Casey.
You're not in the card, so you won't need a hat or a magnifying glass.
Damn it! Oh.
There he is.
Supersensitive Steve.
Ohh.
And why are we meeting him here? This is the most famous breakup spot in the village.
The wingback chairs hide all the crying.
Oh.
See? When you ask someone to meet you here, they know what's coming, okay? Half your work is already done.
That should make this tons easier.
Hey, Mia.
Hi.
Nice spot.
I never heard of this place before.
Bummer.
You didn't return my last 17 calls.
I was starting to get worried.
Yeah So Casey has something to tell ya, and, uh, why don't you sit down and lean way back? Okay, dude.
I got some bad news.
Wait.
What's happening? Oh, God.
Is he your boyfriend? Uh Oh, no.
My heart hurts.
Hold it together, Steve.
Look, the truth is, I'm not her boyfriend.
I'm her fianc ee friend.
Fee-uhn-cey friend Fancy friend.
Tallyho! All right.
What's the matter? You're clearly upset about something.
'Cause I laughed at what I'm reading? Jeez.
Easy with the attitude.
You don't need to take it out on me.
Okay.
What's wrong? You're doing that thing where you accuse me of feeling whatever it is you're feeling.
That's crazy, and you don't need to yell.
Okay.
All right.
Maybe I'm doing it a little bit.
I just I am kind of upset that Casey gets to be in your dad's card and I don't.
Ben, you hate the card.
Didn't you say, every time my dad's card goes out, an angel dies? For nine years, he has never invited me in.
And then Casey gets in year one? That that doesn't seem fair.
And you feel left out? No, you feel left out! Okay.
How's this? Obviously the "family only" rule has changed, so I'll talk to him.
Awesome.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
No, you're welcome! I'm I'm sorry.
I can't believe neither of us could break up with ste.
This is bad, Casey.
You don't have to tell me.
I'm the one who kissed him good-bye.
Great.
So we're both pushovers.
Neither of us could say no.
What are we gonna do when the baby's born? Come on.
That'll be totally different.
We'll have to say no for its own sake, so it'll be easy.
Really? Here is the ultrasound picture from today.
Look at this tiny little blur of a baby.
Are you gonna be able to break its heart? "Daddy, can I go out and play in the streets and put darts in my mouth and try meth?" Of course, sweetie.
Crap.
We're screwed.
And why do I keep kissing things? Hey, dad.
Oh, hi, sweetheart.
What are you doing? Oh, this is a littleoney-saving system I've got going.
I borrow the neighbor's paper, and they don't know about it.
Uh, look, I wanted to let you know, I think it's cool you invited Casey into the card, and Ben wants in, too, so this morning I measured his head.
Ben can't be in it.
It's family only.
But Casey's not family.
Well He and your sister are about to have a baby.
They're getting married.
He's now part of the family, so he can be part of the card.
Oh, don't get me wrong.
I like Ben, a-and if you ever get married no pressure, light encouragement then, you know, he can be in the card, too.
What? You have to be married to be in the card? That's a stupid rule.
Well, you know the saying, "there's no such thing as a stupid rule.
" Yeah, I think you mean, "there's no such thing as a dumb question.
" Well, of course there are dumb questions.
"Is the sky made of pudding?" There's a dumb question right there.
I was 3! So can Ben be in the card or not? Maddie, I live in a world with rules.
Gravity pulls things down, you gotta wear pants at the park, and you can't let someone who isn't family into a family Christmas card.
Yeah, well, he's family to me, dad, and if you don't want him in your card, then I don't want to be in it either.
Ben and I will make our own card.
The Putneys have been sending out a family card for 36 years.
You can't do that.
Yeah? Watch me.
You'll never get away with this! Your neighbor Joel Putney is stealing your paper! No! How was your workout? It was great.
I was so angry at your dad that I worked the heavy bag.
Did you know you're supposed to wear gloves when you do that? Well, I used the anger to fuel my creativity.
I've come up with the idea for our Christmas card, and it is fantastic way better than anything my dad's ever done.
Are you ready to be blown away? Yeah.
Hit me.
Okay.
"One flew over the Christmas nest.
" Bam! Done.
Walk away! Oh, God.
It's genetic.
I'm sorry.
Maybe I'm missing something here.
What exactly is a Christmas nest? It's open.
Who is that? Oh, my mom.
She texted me and said it was urgent.
Actually, she wrote, "need to see you.
It's urine.
" But I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that was from auto-correct.
Here we go.
They are freaking out that we are doing our own card.
No, I-I love that you're on my side with this, but are you sure you want to go through with it? Yeah.
Why? Why? Because this is how family feuds start.
Today it's a card, yeah, but tomorrow we're drinking hooch out of jugs and taking potshots at each other across the hog waller.
Ben, I don't care how upset they get.
This isn't about a card.
It's about my dad not seeing you as family, and I'm not gonna let him get away with that, so if making a rival card is the only way I can get that point across, then so be it.
Ben, Maddie, I'm gonna cut to the chase.
I wanna be in your card.
Oh! Aw! You're on my side.
Yay! The Putney women! Ben, don't be weird.
Okay, look, I agree with Maddie that it's wrong you're left out of the card.
I even fought for you to be in it for the last three years.
But now I am making a full-court press for sexy legs.
I need to fight a battle I can win.
Well, then how would you like to be a sexy elf in "one flew over the Christmas nest"?! That is shockingly good.
I think it's even better than your father's idea, which I can't tell you.
Oh, come on, mom.
We have to know what we're up against.
Okay.
"CSI: Christmas Scene Investigators.
" Wow.
Brilliant.
Seriously? That just blew off my mind socks.
It just works on every level.
Guys, none of this works on any level.
I mean, what what the hell is a Christmas nest, anyway? My dad was right.
There is such a thing as a stupid question.
It's crazy.
You can rent an elf costume in December, no problem, but two months before, they treat you like a psycho and make you sign a note promising you won't use it for porn.
I just heard from Mia and Casey.
They're on their way over.
You know what this means? They want to be in our card.
Two more birds for the Christmas nest! Oh.
Birds? What else would go in the Christmas nest, Ben? I don't know, Maddie.
I just don't know.
Knock, knock.
Hello? Hi.
So Casey and I have been thinking And we have something to ask you.
Something's big.
Ooh.
What is it? We realized neither of us will be able to break our child's heart, so we wanted to askIf you would be our "no" people.
What are "no" people? The people who say no to our child.
Yeah.
Congratulations, disciplinarians! Yeah! Oh, no.
We're not gonna do that.
See how quick they are with the "no"s? You two are definitely the right choice.
Guys, this is ridiculous.
We're not gonna do it.
You already got the job, bro.
You don't need to keep applying.
I thought you were gonna ask us if you could be in our card.
Dad won't let Ben in, so we're making a rival one.
"One flew over the Christmas nest.
" Wow.
You know it's good when you can immediately picture it.
What is she picturing? Could you please describe what she's picturing? Look, I want Ben in the card, too, but if I'm not in dad's card, it'll break his heart.
But if you're not in ours, it'll break Ben's heart And mine.
And I might even Cry! Oh, no, n-n-n-no, honey.
Wait.
Are you faking? Actually, I was faking it at first, but now it's real.
Please.
Please say you'll be in my card.
Oh, God.
Casey, don't look at her face.
Of course we'll be in your card.
How do I look? Like my mom, only sluttier.
Casey? Like a slut, only mommier.
Okay.
Uh, two things.
One, where do we want the Christmas nest? And two, what the hell is a Christmas nest? What the hell is going on here? Is that a Christmas nest? My God, Vicky.
What are you wearing? Put a towel around it.
She's our guest.
She can wear whatever she wants.
You look sexy, mom.
Thank you, Maddie.
Ben? Careful, big shot.
You look sexy But I am not turned on.
What are you doing here anyway? I came here to surprise my daughter and make up with her, let her know that Ben could be in the card.
And what do I find? Traitors.
Christmas traitors.
Dad, this isn't just about putting Ben in the card, and you know it.
This is about you not seeing Ben as part of the family.
Well, he's not.
You know what? I'm not gonna let you keep saying that.
I-I'm not family? Seriously, Mr.
Putney? Who talked you out of going on the run after you lost most of your clients all of their money? Me.
Who did you call to sit with you at the hospital when you thought you were having a heart event and you didn't want to scare Vicky? Me.
And whose shoulder did you cry on with loud, gasping sobs when Michael Jackson passed away? Mine.
What did you expect? Billie Jean died.
No, no.
All right.
We've been over this.
Michael Jackson was not Billie Jean.
Billie Jean is just a girl who claims that he is the one.
Now I'm just saying the lyrics.
And he is not the on one who's upset.
I will also be in their card.
Well, I still have Mia and Casey.
Come on, kids.
Let's go.
No.
Don't even think about backing out.
We had a deal, remember? I-I fake/real cried.
Come on, Mia.
You're mantle material.
You don't want to be over there with those bowl clowns.
But, Mia, if you leave, you'll hurt Ben, and you don't want to do that, do you? N, show her your sweet little face.
Sweeter.
Sweeter.
Add some sadness.
Sadder.
Don't lose the sweetness! Oh, forget him.
You'll do it for me, right? All right, sweetheart, who's it going to be? Me, me, me, me Ohh.
Me, me, me, me, me, me Me, me, me No! What? No! I'm not gonna be in anyone's card.
These cards always hurt people's feelings, and I'm sick of it.
I'm never gonna be in another one ever again.
Oh, my God.
I just said no.
Yeah, you did.
You totally crushed their feelings.
Look at 'em.
Your dad's about to cry.
Should I give him a hug? No! Oh, my God.
I just did it.
Doesn't it feel great? No! Sorry.
Now I'm just showing off.
Well, I guess that's how it's going to be Mia and Casey in their own card, everyone else in Maddie's.
Mine will just be me and Five hats.
Doesn't feel very good beg left out, does it? Now you know how my legs feel.
You were right.
You did do all those things for me, and maybe It was wrong to say I didn't see you as part of the family.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
And I-I'm sorry that I mocked your cards with my snide comments to the people here And at work And on my blog and My tweets And also to that short piece I submitted to NPR, which unfortunately got rejected but they said might have a chance this year, so A-anyway, uh I am sorry.
Well, if you don't mind, I would I would love to be in the nest with the rest of the family.
I have a better idea for our card.
Looks good.
All right.
Look at him.
That's my eyes.
Come on everybody.
Ready? Three, two, one The Petersons On the beach in Hawaii.
Bowl.
The Farcasses standing in line doing nothing except wearing khakis.
Bowl.
Yeah.
Dr.
Rick surfing.
That's gotta be a bowl.
Mantle.
All right.
Great abs does not get you on the mantle.
I'll give you the fridge, but that's it.
Oh, how about this one? "Oh, look.
We have dogs, and we dress them up.
" Morons.
Who are these people anyway? That is my family.
Well, that's, uh, a mantle.
Mantle.
Mantle, yes.
Yes, definitely.