Bewitched (1964) s01e03 Episode Script

Did I startle you, darling? Try a touch of bay leaf from India.
Have you ever thought of calling before you drop in, like other people? I'm not like other people, Samantha.
Neither are you.
So will you please kindly tell me why you are wearing yourself out? Mr.
McMann and Mr.
Tate thought it'd be nice to have Mr.
Barker here for dinner.
Well, why don't they have him to dinner? Because he's Darrin's account.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I am very busy.
There's an easier way to do that, you know.
I promised I wouldn't.
Oh, please, you're breaking my heart.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and change.
Oh, well, go right ahead.
And I'd rather you didn't show up at the party tonight, if you don't mind.
Why should I? I'm only your mother.
I won't be around forever.
Wanna bet? Oh, hello, darling.
Mr.
Barker's bringing a date? Oh, no, no.
No trouble at all.
I miss you, sweetheart.
I miss you too, angel.
Yes, and I love you very much.
Bye-bye.
I sell baby food, Stephens.
I know.
You ever see my product? Yes.
What'd you think of the label? The way it's packaged? Frankly, Mr.
Barker, I think there's room for improvement.
I designed it myself.
I still think there's room for improvement.
- Did you open the can? - I did.
- Taste the product? - No, Mr.
Barker.
I'm not crazy about baby food.
It's a little bland for my taste.
What's bland about strained bananas and squash with buttered beef hearts? It's delicious.
In fact, it's so good, you hate to give it to your kid.
How about that, huh? - What do you think of that? - Of what? The slogan.
" Barker's is so good, you hate to feed it to your child.
" Well, I'd rephrase that, Mr.
Barker.
"Barker's is so good you can hardly resist eating it yourself.
" Something like that.
You like rephrasing things I say, don't you? I like being honest.
You're pretty sure of yourself, huh? I know my business, Mr.
Barker.
This sort of campaign is most effective in slick magazines and in colour.
Look, I don't have too much time today.
- But you haven't seen any of this.
- Well, I'll take it with me.
See you tonight, huh? We'll talk about it then.
Well, how'd we make out? Well, I don't know.
He took the layouts.
Said we'd talk about it after dinner.
That's a good idea.
A man who's had a marvellous culinary experience topped off with a fine old brandy, is tremendously receptive.
We are going to have a marvellous culinary experience topped off with a fine old brandy, aren't we? Yes, we are.
But we might be better off if we serve strained bananas and squash with buttered beef hearts.
Can I tell you something, honey? - That little girl you married is a witch.
- Pardon? I never saw a person that could throw together a dinner like this.
And she did it all by herself.
- It's like magic.
- She's very gifted that way.
Rex always tells me that with me it would take six weeks and 12 servants, and it still wouldn't turn out right.
You said "first-rate.
" I presume you were referring to Stephens' portfolio.
No, I was referring to his wife.
Yes.
But about the campaign, did you have a chance to look it over? I haven't even had a chance to look her over yet.
She's been in and out of that kitchen all evening.
Oh, there she is.
Oh, she's quite a girl.
Yep.
Mrs.
Tate, can I get you something else? No, thank you.
Oh, that was a marvellous dinner, Samantha.
Thank you so much.
How about a green mint or brandy? Brandy sounds wonderful.
- Hi, there.
- Samantha.
We were just talking about you.
Can I fix you a drink? I was just taking Mrs.
Tate a brandy.
Well, here you are.
Give that to your wife, will you, Tate? Well, of course.
- Now, what will you have? - Oh, nothing, thank you.
Don't you ever slow down? You haven't talked to me all evening.
- I have guests.
- And I'm one of them.
Why don't we take a stroll and get to know each other.
Know what I mean? Yes, I think I do.
Well, good.
Son of a gun.
- You all right, honey? - Well, a little tired.
- You're doing a great job.
- Oh, thank you, darling.
Everybody's raving about the dinner and you, especially Barker.
Meeting you might be the thing that gets us his account.
- You're not serious? - Well, I certainly am.
Barker's very impressed with you.
You married me, therefore it follows I must be something very special.
Presto, he hands over the account.
Take it easy.
Peekaboo! Mr.
Barker, you scared me half to death.
Oh, I didn't mean to do that.
I just thought you forgot all about me.
Nothing of the kind.
You're not the sort of man a person could forget.
Oh, good.
Good.
Look, why don't we sit down and I'll freshen your drink.
I don't drink anymore.
I don't drink any less, but I don't drink any more.
Let's go inside, it's kind of chilly out here.
I don't wanna go inside.
I'm warning you, Mr.
Barker, my husband is a very jealous man.
Well, I don't blame him.
I mean, so am I.
Barker say anything to you about the account? No.
Have you seen Samantha? Yes, I think she went outside somewhere.
Please, Mr.
Barker.
Mr.
Barker, I'm warning you.
If you don't get control of yourself, I'm going to do something drastic.
Promise? - What are you doing out here all alone? - Oh, I'm not alone.
Where'd he come from? Oh, he's been around all night, making a pest of himself.
Love-starved little beggar.
Yes, he certainly is.
Darrin, there's something I'd like to tell you.
Later, sweetheart, we have guests.
- Vicious for a little guy, isn't he? - Yes, be careful.
Darrin Put him down.
You're supposed to be the host of this party, remember? Come on, put him down.
Good night, Mrs.
Tate.
- Yes, I will, Larry.
Good night.
- Thank you.
Good night.
Where were you when I was looking for you a little while ago? I think I'll just take you out back.
Hey, isn't he cute? Yes, you are, you shaggy little devil with that cold, wet nose.
He's adorable.
I'd like to take him home with me.
- Why don't you.
- Well, isn't he yours? Just dropped in.
It probably belongs to one of the neighbours.
Never mind.
I'll take him.
I'll just put him No, sweetheart, I'll take him.
Well, thanks again for the marvellous dinner.
And stay out.
I'm still worried about Mr.
Barker.
This isn't the first time I've had to drive myself home.
I'm used to it with Rex.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Well, honey, time to go to bed.
Honey? - Yes, but what about him? I ought to - Never mind about him.
I'll just go out and close the gate He found his way in, sweetheart, he can find his way out.
Oh, dear.
- What's the matter with that mutt? - I'll go see.
Never mind, I will do it.
Yes, but, Darrin, I'm worried - I'll do it, sweetheart.
- It's so cold - I'll put on my robe.
- Yes, well But I could Wanna wake up the whole neighbourhood? Oh, Mr.
Barker, don't you ever give up? I can't change you back here.
Darrin will It's no use.
We might as well let him stay till morning.
Oh, I don't think that's such a good idea.
- He'll get tired and curl up in a corner.
- I don't think so.
Wonder how he got in here.
Darrin you invited him.
- What? I couldn't say anything in front of others, but I had to do it.
You had to do what? Change Mr.
Barker into a dog.
What kind of a joke is that? Oh, it's no joke.
You see, he got very obnoxious.
Wait.
You're telling me you took a live person and turned him into a dog.
Yes.
Back up, I wanna get this straight.
You actually turned a human being into a dog.
Yes.
And that dog is Rex Barker? Yes.
I can't believe it.
Well, I'm sorry, dear, but I had to do it.
You see, he was drunk.
Of course, that explains everything.
A drunken dog is better than a drunken man.
He trapped me in the garden and was making advances.
I had to do something.
You call that something? That's my client.
You don't wanna even hear what happened.
I had the account all wrapped up.
What am I supposed to do now? Bring Larry Tate a contract with Barker's paw print on it? Will he remember any of this? - No.
- Good.
Change him back.
Not until you listen to what I have to say.
I'll listen later.
Change him back.
Barker practically attacked me.
But that doesn't matter as long as you get him to sign with your agency.
What do you mean? - He was very aggressive.
- You're exaggerating.
I am not! Well, so maybe he had a few too many.
Any ordinary wife would know how to handle it.
But you had to turn him into an animal! Well, he behaved like an animal.
He grabbed me and tried to bite me.
No wonder, look at the way you're dressed.
I wasn't dressed like this.
You are now.
Put something on, you're driving him crazy.
You're so concerned about him.
What about me? What about you? You're just a wife, he's a livelihood.
- And that's all you care about? - Yes.
Fine, then that settles it.
Please leave this room.
Now, just a minute, Samantha, let's not fly off the handle.
Out.
This minute.
If that's the way you feel about it.
Just change him back.
- Never.
- Samantha.
- Out! - Samantha! Will you listen to me? Samantha! Samantha, open this door, do you hear me? All right, have it your own way.
Sorry, old man.
Yes, Mother, what is it? I just popped in to say I told you so.
Oh, that ridiculous husband of yours certainly is a sketch.
I almost split me bodice.
- What's that? - Pussycat.
What's all the excitement? That little pussycat won't hurt Mr.
Barker.
- You call that a pussycat? - What do you call it? A mountain lion.
It'll tear Mr.
Barker to shreds.
Where are you going? To rescue that drunken dog.
If anything happened to him Darrin would never forgive me.
Oh, Mr.
Barker.
What happened? - Where am I? - Well, we took a little stroll.
- I'm bleeding.
- Well, just a bit.
Now, you be sure and put something on that as soon as you get home.
You little spitfire, you.
Go ahead, scratch me again, see if I care.
Oh, Mr.
Barker.
- My dog, he'll be killed.
- We'll get him.
Just don't get excited.
But you don't understand.
You see - Do you live around here? - Yes.
- What's your name? - Stephens.
Mrs.
Darrin Stephens.
How come you're in your robe, Mrs.
Stephens? Robe? Oh, yes.
Well, you see, I was taking my dog for a walk, and I wish you'd let me find him.
Something terrible Now, don't get excited, Mrs.
Stephens.
I have to find that dog.
My husband's very fond of that animal.
We'll put out a call.
One of the cars will pick him up.
That's nice of you, but no, thank you.
I think I better just keep on looking.
You can't wander around the street like that, Mrs.
Stephens.
We'll take you home, and when we find your dog, we'll call you.
I've been worried sick.
Where have you been? Mr.
Barker got in a fight and decided to leave.
- A fight with who? - A cat.
A cat? You mean, he's still He was.
- You changed him back? - I did.
Well, is he all right? I mean, did he say anything? No, not a word.
The last time I saw him, he was in a hurry.
You think I ought to call the hotel? No, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
He's gonna need all the rest he can get.
I guess you're right.
Sam, look, I was pretty upset tonight and probably said a lot of things in the heat of the moment.
I know exactly what you mean.
Forget it.
Good.
I'll get my blanket and join you.
That won't be necessary.
Hello, Sergeant Frost? Oh, this is Mrs.
Stephens again.
You found him? He's where? Dr.
David Cook.
Yes.
Now, what's the address? Fine, I'll pick him up right away.
Thank you, sergeant.
Scratches are nothing to worry about.
As soon as his beard grows in you won't even notice.
- Can I have him now? I gave him a tetanus shot.
Let out quite a scream, the little fellow did.
- But it's for his own good.
- Doctor, I'm in a terrible hurry.
Oh, yes.
A shot and a bath and a first-rate clip comes to $27.
Will you please just send us a bill? You have the address.
Hurry up and get him for me.
He's late for an important meeting.
- Meeting? - Doctor, please.
Well, how does he look? I can't imagine.
You'd think at least he'd have the courtesy to call.
Well, he put away a lot of booze last night.
All right, Mr.
Barker, you're on your own.
- Yes? - Mr.
Bark er is in the conference room.
- We'll be right there.
- And your wife is on her way up.
Good, tell her to wait in my office.
I wanna see her.
Mr.
Ba Hiya.
Say, that That must have been some party last night.
What did you do? I don't know.
But whatever it was, I won first prize.
What happened to your hair? I haven't the faintest idea.
It looks good.
Yeah.
You ought to see my chest.
It's all ruffled.
Why don't you sit down.
Yeah.
Seems like I backed into a cactus bush or something.
Is Babs sore about last night? No.
On the contrary, she thought you were cute.
Look - Look, I need a little pick-me-up.
- The bar's in my office.
- I'll fix you something.
- No, look, I know where it is.
We'd like to get this contract buttoned down this morning.
You got a deal.
I like Stephens' work.
But give me a minute, will you? This is an emergency.
Ruffles.
Mr.
Barker? Well, hello there.
- How are you feeling, Mr.
Barker? - Miserable, thanks.
But this will straighten me out.
A little hair of the dog that bit me.
- Know what I mean? - Yes.
I usually drink it with carrot juice.
I get just as smashed, but I can see better after dark.
- You know, you really are a knockout.
- Mr.
Barker, you're amazing.
Don't you ever get tired? Never.
- Oh, I was just telling her about the - What are you doing? - Protecting my wife.
- He was only with her for a minute.
- What could he have done? - He was nibbling at her neck.
- You didn't have to hit him.
- What do you expect? Well, use a little diplomacy.
When somebody insults my wife, that's as diplomatic as I get.
- You all right, sweetheart? - Oh, I'm fine.
But you didn't have to do that.
Mr.
Barker.
- I should have done it last night.
- Oh, you wouldn't hit a little dog.
- You were telling the truth.
Forgive me? - Of course.
I won't.
That punch just cost this company half a million dollars.
- What will I tell the stockholders? - Tell them I quit.
Come on, darling.
Well, what about him? Why don't you call the pound.
Hi.
- What are you doing here? - I just dropped by to tell you I signed with your outfit, provided you handle the account.
Expect me to work with you after what happened? Oh, forget it.
I've got a problem.
Some of my best friends have knocked me cold.
Hey, listen, if you and your wife are ever in Columbus, Ohio, I Oh, forget it.
Sam.
- They want me back on the job.
- Well, I'm not surprised.
You didn't have anything to do with this? Of course not, everybody wants you because you're the best.
- How about taking me out to celebrate? - Good idea.
I'll get my hat.
Don't you dare move.
- Samantha.
- I know, I know, no hocus-pocus.
So sue me, it was worth it.