Big Day s01e03 Episode Script

I don't think you should marry this guy.
What? What does he do for a living? He's a camp counselor? Okay, francis, the seating chart is unlocked.
No, no, no, no, no.
Undo.
why aren't you undoing? wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! My-my contact lenses.
I drank your contacts? I am legally blind without my glasses! Oh! I hate to put another thing to your plate when you have so many things to decide, but, um, it's either me or skobo in this wedding.
What? Looks like we can exct everything from bright sunshine to thunderstorms to gale-force winds.
As the old saying goes- "if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes.
" Okay, francis, I've reconstructed table eight, d I if I keep up this pace and do nothing else, I should have this finished in time for the reception.
And the best part is I will never he to tell mrs.
Hopkins.
no! No, no, no, no, no.
Francis, there's something you need to tell mrs.
Hopkins.
Okay, that's it.
I don't even want becca in my wedding.
You two, always so dramatic.
Must have inherited that from your father's side of the family.
If anyone is being dramatic, mom, it's becca.
She's screwing up the whole day.
Don't you think I anticipated this? I scheduled for a becca meltdown, but she only gets 20 minutes! Now I had it down for 2:30, which means that we may ve to push up and condense our meaningful moment.
Our what? Oh, alice, my baby girl.
It's hard to believe that in a few short hours, you are gonna be walking down the aisle, and when you do, I want you to wear this.
Grandma's necklace? mom, it's beautiful.
Oh, not as beautiful as you.
I don't even know what to say.
I just- I love you so much, mom- and that's all the time we have.
I have to go and tie gala bows on the chair backs.
Hey, so how'd it go with becca? Terrible.
What are we gonna tell our kids? Aunt becca wasn't in our wedding because she and uncle skobo had drunken, sloppy sex? Might be a good segue into the birds and bees talk and the dangers of drinking.
look, we'll work it out.
How are we gonna work it out? They're acting like a couple of 5-year-olds.
I think you're forgetting.
I fix kids' problems for a living.
I'm a camp director.
This is no different than the time jared adler put actual bugs into stacy schwab's bug juice, and just like at camp, I'm gonna fix it by calling a conflict council.
Really? Conflict council? Why not a conflict council? You've seen how effective they can be.
No, no, they are, and you're very good.
Hey, there's so many things this day that are just totally out of my hands, but this is something I can do for you.
It's just, becca and skobo are both so callous and cynical.
D- don't you think they'll find the whole thing a little silly? There's thing silly about a conflict council.
if you'll excuse me, I have to go unpack my talking stick.
lorna, it's 10:36- time to hang the paper lanterns.
But you know, the paper lanterns are-are for the ceremony, and, uh, this is just a suggestion, but perhaps we should move the ceremony into the tent? Well, that- that's a ridiculous idea.
No, the ceremony is out here.
The reception is in the tent.
Yes, but, uh, but, uh, the clouds and-and the thunder, and I-I mean, it just looks like it might I mean it- it could possibly rain.
Listen to me.
It is not going to rain.
I'll get started on those lanterns.
Lorna, why is this happening? Well, there is this low pressure front that is moving in- lorna! Why is our tent leaking? You-you may recall when we discussed getting the all-weather tent, you opted for the more expensive decorative tent.
All right, this is no time for finger-pointing.
Now what are you gonna do about your rainstorm, lorna? Well, we could move everything doors.
I mean, at would certainly keep everyone dry, but- and this would be tragic- it would render useless the seating chart that we all worked so very hard on.
All right.
Forget about the seating chart.
We need to move everything inside, people! All right.
Come on, honey.
If you insist.
We're mong the wedding inside.
Okay, dear.
Do youe any tape? Some of my spirit feathers are falling off.
Top right drawer.
Ah.
Thanks.
Yep.
Me and my talking stick have solved some pretty big disputes in the past.
Mm-hmm.
You'd be surprised at how quickly a conflict council canet to the heart of a problem.
Mm-hmm.
And you're obviously wondering what I'm planning on doing with a stick, huh? All right.
I'll tell you.
Alice is upset that becca's not gonna be in the wedding anymore, and so me, being a conflict resolver byrade, I just-you know, I figured I'd take care of it for her.
You know, it's no big whoop.
Ahem.
Yeah, look, danny, you, uh, you seem to have a handle on this with your, uh, your feather stick and all, but here's a little free advice-stay out of it.
What? It may look like I'm doing a crossword, but I'm actually involved in my own form of conflict resolution.
Happens to have a 100% success rate.
I call it "let the women handle it.
" I hear ya, steve, I- I do, but- and that may have worked in the past, but in my generation, men-they take more of an active role in relationships.
And good luck with that, sport.
take this table to the study, and this couch is going into the dining room.
I need somebody to bring that lamp over there with everybody freeze! whose muddy footprint is that? Yes, whose muddy footprint is that? you, over here.
You are now an outside person.
Huh? Okay, everybody, listen up.
New rules.
Everyone currently inside is an inside person.
Everyone outside is an outside person.
Now outside people may come up to the threshold, but no further.
The same goes for inside people.
Inside people who step outside become outside people.
Outside people can never be inside people.
the important thing is we're all working together.
Okay.
becca.
Becca.
We find that sitting in council works best when everyone, you know, sits in council.
This is the first time I'm glad I was sent to summer school and not your stupid camp.
Noted, but, becca, I want you to know that your hostility is welcomed here.
In fact, every emotion is, as long as it comes from a place of truth.
Okay, so there's one rule.
The person holding the talking stick is the only one permitted to talk.
That way, we all have the freedom to share our truths without the fear of interruptions.
So gay.
No, you're not holding the stick.
Is is so gay.
Okay, becca, please try the council.
I think it might really work.
I'm here, aren't I? Okay, I'll start.
I'm sorry.
This is all my fault.
I mean, here we are on danny and alice's wedding day, and my actions have brought us to this? If I could turn back time, I would.
Thank you for your truth, skobo.
I mean, when you told me to stay away from her at the rehearsal dinner, I should have listened to you.
You were totally right.
She is way bad news.
I just was saying- no, no,, no.
No, no, no.
Okay, no.
No.
I- I-I-I said that to protect you from him.
Okay.
Can I okay, okay, good.
You know what? Let's get a-let's get a dialogue going here, huh? You know? Aah! Ow! becca! Okay, there are actually two rules about that stick.
grab that chair and don't lose its place.
Sorry to bother you, sir.
Ah, no problem.
Hey, uh, yeah, you wouldn't happen to know the-the first name of a poet teasdale? Sara, no "H.
" Thank you.
what are you so chipper about? Oh.
Oh, I just love the challenge of it all.
Just redesigning the ceremony, throwing out the old seating chart well, I gotta hand it to you, lorna, I- I didn't expect you to roll with the punches so well.
That's just what I do.
I'd put that on my business card, but it's too packed with cherubs.
The sun's coming out, lorna.
No, but I was rolling.
All right, everybody.
Let's just get everything outside.
Now inside/outside rules still apply, but we are back to plan "A.
" Okay, I need francis, I need to go off mike for a minute.
okay, we're gonna go around the truth circle and share something about ourselves that we're not proud of.
This way, we'll all be coming from somewhere that's honest and prideless.
Okay, skobo, you're up.
what have you done that you're not proud of? Nothing.
Come on.
Nothing? Nope.
Nothing.
I- I haven't had a conscience for a very long time.
It's just the way daddy likes it.
It's my life.
now come on.
Really go back.
Visualize your life running backwards like a movie.
Okay.
All right.
hmm.
College hello, ladies.
Hi.
High school hola, seÑora puchalsky.
You're a naughty spanish teacher.
nope.
Nothing.
Really? Having shared a bunk with you, I can think of a number of things that you shouldn't be too proud of.
Okay, give me the stick.
Okay.
Camp, camp.
Oh! I almost forgot this one.
I went to second base with alice.
Skobo! What? Oh, yeah.
I was totally blanking, and I thought I was gonna choke under the pressure, and then I totally squeezed out a sweet memory.
Yeah! Whoo! all right.
Who's next? Ay, first of all, it was not second base.
Oh, it was totally second base, danny.
Fabric boob, but booby nonetheless, alice, why didn't you ever tell me about this? It's not something I'm proud of.
you know, danny, I was wrong.
Uh, this council is the most fun I've had all day.
Let's just move on.
Now that we've all shared something shameful, the next step is to-so was it straight to second base, or did you start at first and linger a while? Do you want me to field this one? I'll do it.
I don't even know you.
You're making it like I did something horrible.
It wasn't like that.
I only did it for the money.
What?! What?! I'm just gonna have to tell her about the seating chart, francis.
Why does god hate me? thank you.
I'm sorry I didn'trust you, but you have put the screws to me so many times.
francis, we are moving back inside.
Okay, don't make it sound so sordid.
A couple girls in my cabin put up 20 bucks to the girl who kissed the grossest guy in camp.
Kenny saperstein.
You, skobo.
No! All right, this is officially the greatest thing I've ever witnessed.
Although, I did let him do a lot more to me for free.
knock, knock.
I hate to interrupt the fun, but since we're moving the wedding inside, we need to have a re-rehearsal in the family room, and we can't very well have a re-rehearsal without the happy wedding party.
okay, come on.
Steve-O.
Oh, hey, chief.
How goes the powwow? Pretty good.
Good.
Uh, a lot of progress.
Mm.
I heard yelling coming from down there.
Yeah, yeah.
It's all part of the process, though.
Those were, uh, yells of healing.
Uh, so I'm supposed to get you for the rehearsal.
Is the aisle still a straight line? Yeah, I guess so.
I think I'll be able to handle it then.
All right.
Your call.
Okay, everybody, let's get into our positions.
This is not a drill.
Well, actually, I guess by definition a rehearsal is a drill, but we still need to be focused.
Hey, I-I thought you were getting steve.
Oh, I told him.
Oh, for-is he doing that stupid crossword puzzle? Just start without me.
um, now my groom goes right here.
Here we are.
And my best man is right there.
Make him go that way.
Perfect.
And now my maid of honor makes her entrance.
Where's becca? Right here.
Becca.
Awesome.
She's back in the wedding.
oh, cool.
My spaghetti's ready.
oh, um, but we're just- we're about to rehearse.
Not with me.
I just came up to watch tv and eat some messy pasta in my bridesmaid's dress.
Why are you doing this to me? Well, I figured since I'm not in the wedding anymore, this is the only time I have to wear it.
Plus, I didn't want to stain my t-shirt and sweatpants.
okay.
Well, let's just continue.
Um, now we have the bride make her entrance.
That's good.
On the actual event, you'll just want to slow it down little bit.
You know.
Um, okay, and then we have "dearly beloved-" are you saying that I was grosser than a booger eater in a back brace? I don't want to talk about it, skobo.
And then the vows are exchanged.
I was cool back then.
I had that sweet kid 'n play hair-high and tight.
Uhh! No one's hair was higher and tighter than mine.
Skobo, we're trying to rehearse here.
Will you focus? And then the best man produces the rings.
I always keep a pair of rehearsal rings on my person.
These say "lorna and dave," but it's a different lorna.
What was it, huh? Was it my braces or my mustache? It couldn't have been my skin because my-my makeup totally covered up the acne.
No.
Oh.
Aah! Oh.
It's-it's over the shirt, dan.
Skobo, what the hell are you doing?! D'oh! It's okay.
It's okay.
This is why we have rehearsals.
It was an accident.
It wasn't my fault.
This whole thing is your fault.
Whoa.
I thought there was no blaming in the council.
We're not in the council anymore.
Thank god.
You have a problem with my council? All your council's done is cause more problems.
Oh, really? Well, at least I'm not the one who who who what? Who was a hooker? That's what you're trying to say, isn't it? And how dare you say that.
Honestly, dan, there is no need for that kind of language.
Skobo.
We're losing perspective here, okay? We were kids.
There's no way I could've known you were gonna marry her.
Yes, there was.
First day of camp, I was in the infirmary with 20 hornet stings on my face, and she was in the cot next to me, covered from head to toe with poison oak.
The nurse had to use so much calamine on her at when it was my turn, there wasn't any left, and so alice wiped some calamine off her arm, put it onto my stings, which ultimately gave me poison oak, too, but when I came back to the cabin that night, I told you I had just met the girl I was going to marry.
Oh, my god.
Danny.
You never told me that.
It's so romantic.
No, it's not romantic.
I'm very angry.
No, I know.
I don't wanna make up, all right? We'll see how the day goes.
You're so cute.
Hey, wait.
If I hadn't talked you into sticking your head into that hollow log, then you two never would have met.
I am the best man.
My god.
I thought we were gonna have to have the jaws of life to get your father out of that room.
Hey, steve-o, guess what? The council works.
We're all good.
Great.
So becca's back in the wedding? Oh, becca, right.
becca, your 20-minute meltdown is up.
Then I guess we're going into overtime.
Hey, look, it's still raining.
Gee, I sure hope the rain doesn't ruin this dress.
Rebecca may hopkins, don't you dare.
Becca! you finish your crossword? Son, you never finish the crossword.
You were right.
Uh I shouldn't have gotten involved.
Just made things worse.
Look, danny, I see a lot of brains in my line of work, and though men and women's brains may look the same, they couldn't be more different.
How do you mean? We men are hardwired to fix things, but here's god's little joke- women don't want us to fix their problems.
Yeah, but we got a wedding tonight and no maid of honor.
What are we gonna do? We're gonna stand by and watch until we do.
this has been my life for 30 years.
First we'll have the yelling, then the crying then the classic yell-cry.
Now here comes the part where both girls turn on jane and say it's her fault and now someone's going to throw something.
Hmm.
Well, it's been a while.
Oh, there we go.
Whoa.
Ouch.
Comic relief, cue the hugs and we have a maid of honor.
good news, lorna.
We fixed the tent.
No, no, no, no, no.
Fixing the tent means that we can have the reception outside, rain or shine, which means we need a seing chart.
Do you have a seating chart? Uh, we fixed the tent.
Just go.
Go.
Okay, enough of this.
I lost the sea chart, okay? So if you are going to fire me, please fire me now so I can still go folk dancing with my friends tonight.
if you were a young girl, would you need to be paid to kiss me? Huh? Let me paint you a little picture- hair like this-tight, just a little bit of mustache, the most beautiful skin.
So is this it? Am-am I fired? No one is going to be fired, lorna.
, Thank you.
Oh.
Uh, we can figure out any financial consequences later, but the good news is the sun is out, the tent is fixed, and the wedding is back outside.
francis, we may have a situation.