Big Nate (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

- [snoring]
- [grunting]
[breezy upbeat music]
[feather ruffling]
♪
- Hey, kids.
Dan Cupid Love Consultant here.
And I have a special delivery
for Nate Wright.
Has anyone seen him?
all: He's over there.
He's over there.
- Huh?
Aha!
[arrow whistling]
- Huh! Ahh!
Thanks, kids!
- [groans]
It's Valentine's Day,
the day I declare
my undying love for Jenny.
- Pre-teen dream girl ♪
[dramatic music]
- [gasps]
Our yearly review is today
at 3:00 p.m.
right before school gets out.
If the inspection
doesn't go well,
they'll shut down the school.
- Why wouldn't the inspection
go well?
Ugh!
- See. It's already begun.
[dramatic music]
♪
- What? The school looks great.
- People think Valentine's Day
is about love,
but it's about stress
and rejection.
The inspectors want to see
a full classroom
of smiling faces,
not sadness and despair.
Funding will be cut again
all because of love
and it's evil super spreader
Valentine's Day.
- You know,
I gave up love years ago
when I started sleeping in my
classroom to avoid my family.
Mm. Best decision I ever made.
My sleep is so restful.
- We can't let PS 38 fall
to this corrupt pagan ritual.
I've already had to go
to extremes
to Keep the school budget
in the black.
I've begun renting out lockers
to squirrels to collect
and sell their nuts.
- [gasps]
Ahh!
- I've started hiring robots
to substitute teach.
They're unlicensed,
so we don't have to pay them.
[robot whirring]
[both screaming]
I've even had kids
fund-raising
for the music program
by making clogs for sailors.
all: Thanks, kids.
- PS 38 must keep attendance
high today
or we could lose everything.
- Principal Nichols,
I have a message for you.
- Just put the note
on my desk, Geraldine.
- Oh,
but it's awfully important.
- Later.
I need to stay focused.
Happy kids. We need
to see happy kids today.
Happy kids, happy kids.
Happy kids.
[upbeat music]
- Don't want to go
to school today ♪
The sun is red hot
and I wanna play ♪
But if I get caught
they'll make me pay ♪
Detention again ♪
- Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
- Math and social studies
just ain't my thing ♪
- Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
- Rocking with my band
is where I'm king ♪
Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test ♪
- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Big Nate ♪
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
[upbeat music]
♪
- Today's the day.
I'm finally making
Jenny my Valentine.
- I didn't even know
you liked Jenny.
- Yeah, well, my feelings
for Jenny have been
in stealth mode
since Kindergarten.
Wasn't sure I could commit
to one girl.
But now that I've grown up,
I've decided Jenny is the one
I want to spend
the rest of my life with.
- Wow. All right.
That--that's a lot to express.
- Yeah, well, that's why I need
a grand gesture
to get her attention.
- Pre-teen dream girl ♪
- Artur.
I'm gonna ignore
his presence for now,
PS 38's handsome outsider
that everyone thinks
is so interesting
even though he isn't.
- Flower, no.
Artur friend.
- [laughs]
All right.
Now I gotta figure out
what my grand gesture
is gonna be.
Grand gesture. Grand gesture.
- Today is that day.
We're announcing the winner
of the Valentine's Day
art contest.
Whoever it is will win
a pizza party fit for a king.
- Ooh, a pizza party?
Well, that sounds just grand.
Ooh, here comes my set.
- That does sound grand,
like a very grand
gesture indeed.
- Nate, you didn't
enter the contest.
- The rules of your world
do not concern me.
- Mr. Rosa, are you selecting
the winner?
- Oh, no. Too hard.
You know me. I'm a lover.
No hurt feelings with Mr. Rosa.
I asked Coach John to decide.
- Confiscated. Confiscated.
Confiscated.
This is a good haul.
I better get this to my office.
[munching]
- I gotta act quick.
[sneaky music]
♪
Pshh, amateur hour.
[whistling]
Make way for a professional.
[footsteps tapping]
[gasps]
[doorknob rattling]
- Why does the law require gym
teachers to carry so many keys?
- [gasping]
[dramatic music]
- Hmmm.
♪
Nate Wright.
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
- [laughs]
[clears throat]
Attention. Attention.
I, Nate Wright,
have won the art contest,
and I shall be gifting
my pizza party to all of PS 38.
[cheers and applause]
[Boston's
"More Than a Feeling]
- So many people ♪
[telephone rings]
- Hello. Generic Pizza Joint.
- [indistinct]
- Wait. We sponsored
a free pizza party at PS 38?
Doesn't sound like something
I'd agree to, but okay.
Zeff, We got a big order.
Grab the extra boxes
from the back.
- Please don't puke ♪
[broom rattles]
These are the moments ♪
- Well they ain't here.
- Please don't let go ♪
- Huh, he must have meant
the outside way back.
[tense music]
♪
[dramatic music]
- Hey, thanks for the pizza,
dude.
- Ahh, no problem.
Happy to do it.
- Nate, you're like
a minor celebrity.
- [laughs]
I know.
Now I just have to find
the right Valentine for Jenny.
Since I'm an award-winning
artist,
I thought
I might give her this one.
- Whoa, whoa.
You can't just dump
a Valentine's Day card on Jenny
without some warning,
especially a homemade one.
- Okay, why?
- She could freak out, and
you'd end up scaring her off.
Not that it isn't already
terrifying enough that you've
been secretly stalking her
for the last six years.
- Hey, she was out
with foot-and-mouth
for much of third grade.
So technically,
it's five years.
- Oh, okay.
Let me run point on this.
Jenny and I
have actually spoken.
- My man doesn't need
an assist.
He's got this. Be direct.
- If your love for Jenny is
real love, you can't hold back.
You have to tell her.
My mom always tells me
to say "I love you" to my Nana
before I hang up the phone
in case
she never answers again.
- What's this?
- It's a pizza party
courtesy of Nate Wright.
- What's the catch?
- No catch.
Nate won
the annual art contest.
- Hmm.
Nate Wright.
- [gasps]
- Come here.
- Uh, y-y-yes, sir.
- You're telling me that you
won the school art contest
with that bowl of fruit?
- Hi.
- Uh, yes?
[dramatic music]
- Good job, my boy.
There's nothing kids
like better than free pizza.
Look at all those happy faces.
- Well, it's my pleasure
to be part of the team, sir.
- We're not a regular
school today.
We're a cool school,
am I right?
Here, give it up
on the backhand side.
[scatting]
Kids stay at school
for free pizza, Galvin.
I should have thought
of this earlier.
Mrs. Corzini, I've decided to
give away free cookies today.
- We no have enough.
A lot of ones in kitchen
bunker, they are expired.
- Well, those dates are
really just
"suggestions," aren't they?
- Nyet.
- Well, kids love free stuff.
and I'm keeping everyone happy
today for our annual review.
Hey, kids.
Who wants free cookies?
[cheers and applause]
It's nice being the good guy
for a change.
[chicken clucking]
- Easy. There's enough pizza
for everyone.
- Where is Jenny?
She's missing my grand gesture.
Ohh.
Oh, no, no, no.
- Maybe she packed a lunch?
- How dare you.
- Psst. If we want pizza,
we need to cut in line.
Do what needs to be done.
- [sighs]
- Nate, please tell me--
- Jenny?
♪
- Pre-teen dream girl ♪
- Jenny! Hi!
- Whoa. Easy. Easy.
- Stop it. Stop it. Jenny, hi.
D-do you want
to stand in line with us?
- We'd love to. Thanks.
- Huh?
- Hey, where's my pizza?
- Careful, children.
I don't have insurance.
- [gasps]
- What's going on?
- There's--there's
no more pizza.
- What?
- Don't worry.
I snagged you a slice.
We will never speak
of what I had to do to get it.
- Mmm, nom-nom-nom-nom.
Hmm?
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
- I'm so hungry.
- Dee Dee, quick.
This is my chance to show Jenny
how much I care about her.
I will feed the fire
of hunger inside her.
- Why don't you try introducing
yourself first?
- Jenny! I can find you
something to eat.
- Really? Thank you.
- Hey, Chad. Hey, where did you
get that slice?
Are you hoarding food
in the portables again?
- Guilty.
I like collecting food
for both nourishment and fun.
Come on.
[upbeat music]
♪
- Hey, uh,
after we get the pizza,
maybe a romantic picnic
on the grass would be nice?
- Sound great, friend Nate.
- [groans]
[wind howling]
- Ohh!
[all groaning]
- Uh, everything okay, guys?
[all groaning]
- [retching]
- Oh, gross.
I'm gonna go now.
Oh, no.
[retching]
- Uh, Chad?
- [retching]
- Oh, no.
- I can't watch.
You shouldn't have
brought us here.
- No, no, no, wait.
We coulduh, uh, uh.
- We still have Nate's slice.
We can share it.
- No. I want Jenny to have it.
- This very kind, friend Nate.
- Thank you, friend Artur.
- Take that, you pizza stealer.
- Uh, guys, did we all just see
those kids barf
all over the portable?
What if it was the pizza?
- Why are you trying to destroy
my happiness?
- Thank you.
- W-w-w-wait. Jenny. Jenny.
Where are you going?
- Oh, no.
[retching]
- Teddy!
- Run.
- What?
- Run!
[both screaming]
- It doesn't even look human.
- Students?
Students.
- [retching]
What the devil
[gasps]
What could be going on?
[gasps]
Galvin, I've done
a terrible thing.
I gave everyone
expired cookies.
I think I poisoned the school.
Are you listening?
- It's okay, Wesley.
I didn't eat any cookies.
Only pizza.
[retching]
Sorry, I just got--ooh.
I'm almost finished.
Ooh. It's almost out.
[retching]
- The things I have seen
in those bathrooms.
We have to close the school.
This is a Valentine's Day
of Horror!
- It's okay.
Everything is okay.
Everyone with second period
lunch hasn't had any pizza.
They'll be fine. We'll keep
the inspectors up there, right?
Easy peasy.
[bell rings]
Okay, we're going
to the multi-purpose room
to watch movies
for the rest of the day.
How's that sound? Okay?
- Hey, Principal Nichols.
I'm wondering if you might
consider letting us go home
to be with our loved ones
during this dark hour.
It would give those of us
who need it
time to plan
a new grand gesture of love.
- Grand gesture of love?
Grand gesture of love?
You brought this pestilence
to my school.
The pizza was bad.
[thunder crashing]
Stay here and stay quiet.
I'm gonna check
on the other students.
It probably isn't
as bad as it looks.
In fact, I know it's not.
Ooh, happy day.
- Ahh, I wish Jenny was here.
- Are you still moaning
over Jenny
when there is a food-pocalypse
happening all around us?
- That's exactly my point.
Jenny needs me to rescue her.
She's out there
in the elements
- It's sunny.
- Alone.
- She's with her boyfriend.
- We need to make sure
she's okay. This is love!
- Oh, happy day.
- Save you I will, my love.
- Have you always been
a mouth breather?
- We live forever here
and be happy.
- What will we eat or drink?
- One Valentine's Day
in Stylgravia,
all we had for eat and gift
was back hair
from local hunchback.
We feast this day.
I might have some--
- Maybe we could just eat
that piece of pizza
from earlier instead.
both: Ahh!
Huh? Huh? What?
- Uh, are you okay,
Principal Nichols?
- I'm fine.
Everything is totally fine.
Maybe we can find these kids
a little bubble water
for their tum tums, right?
I think so.
And they'll be right as rain
when the inspectors come.
- [moaning]
[retching]
- Better head to class, kiddo.
You don't want to be late.
- That kid looks really sick.
- I'm sorry, what kid?
- The inspectors are gonna know
something is wrong.
- I don't think so. I just need
to show them one class
and shut the other doors.
A little indigestion
is nothing to worry about.
It'll probably be gone
in an hour like a miracle.
- We're here.
We'll talk to the inspectors
for you and tell them
what a great job you're doing.
- Yeah, I-I appreciate that.
But I-I need one full class.
Two students won't do it.
- Even if it's two of your most
remarkable students?
- That's what I'm saying.
Those students are sick.
[both groan]
- Help!
- That's Jenny's voice.
- [gasping]
- Pre-teen dream girl ♪
- This is clearly destiny.
You can't keep Jenny
and me apart.
- It's gotten really
bad out there. And Artur
- Ooh, did something bad
happened to him?
- Worse.
He almost threw up on me.
He got so delirious, he tried
to make out with a mop.
Then he picked a fight
with a plunger and lost.
It might take me a few seconds
to get over it.
Okay, I'm better.
- Hey, don't worry.
We'll get through
this together.
- Pre-teen dream girl ♪
I just know
your hair smells like ♪
- I'm sorry.
What's your name again?
- [laughs]
- Jenny! Jenny is here.
Now I have three.
This is a sign.
A really good sign.
You recovered.
The other students
will recover too.
- I was never sick.
- Exacalacaly.
- Should we call our parents
to come get us?
- No one is calling anybody!
How many times
do I have to tell you?
We can't lose the school
until the inspectors arrive.
I'm gonna get one full class
of students if it kills me.
You stay right here.
I need you.
We're all in this together.
Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh.
- Well, there's only one thing
left to do.
- Take out the principal.
- Yeah, you got--what? No.
No, I was gonna say go
to the cafeteria
and find something to eat.
I bet my Jenny is still hungry.
- I'm starving. Artur kept
talking about hunchback hair.
Oh, Artur.
- Hey, no, no, hey.
Hey, come on now.
It's best not to think
of such things. Artur's gone.
A-and I'm sure
whatever happened to him
was horribly painful and awful
and just shocking.
But hey,
we have to move forward.
[tense music]
- There, that ought to do it.
You guys look great.
I see a lot of color coming
back to your little faces.
Let's move away
from the entrance, though.
Don't want the inspectors
to get the wrong idea
and think you might be
under the weather.
I mean, I mean
- [shuddering]
- Ooh. Oh, sweet.
Yo, Jenny, think fast.
- Oh, I don't like crumbs.
Do you think there's
any ice cream instead?
- Good call.
Okay, maybe no ice cream.
Hey, you know what?
Maybe no food today to be safe.
[gasping]
Huh?
[light rock music]
- Pre-teen dream girl ♪
Ooh. Heh-heh, heh-heh.
- [retching]
I think I'm gonna be sick.
- I don't understand.
You didn't eat any pizza.
- Expired.
- What?
[dramatic music]
No, Dee Dee. Not you.
I always thought
those expiration dates
were just a suggestion.
Why?
- Don't waste the gift
of this moment.
Stop being in love
with the idea of Jenny.
And instead get to know
the girl
and fall in love with her.
[retching]
- Boy, come on.
We can't stay here any longer.
[dramatic music]
[all groaning]
- [gasps]
[all groaning]
♪
- Ahh!
- Helpme.
- Ahh!
both: Ahh!
- [gasps]
This is it.
I have to tell Jenny how I feel
before it's too late.
Ugh,
why am I still so nervous?
♪
- I can't believe you haven't
closed the deal with Jenny yet.
- I don't want
to blow my chance
by saying the wrong thing.
All I know is that I want her
to be my Valentine.
- You are 11 years old.
Why is this even a thing?
Why are kids
these days so serious?
Back in my day,
if you liked someone you paid
off their family,
and the deed was done.
My advice, relax.
Enjoy the moment.
Don't overthink it.
- But what if Jenny is the one
I'm supposed
to be with forever?
How will I know?
- Oh, you'll know when
you don't have to
ask that question.
Good luck, kid. You got this.
- Could Jenny really be
the one?
Wait. Wait. Dan Cupid said,
"Don't overthink it."
Okay, okay.
Jenny,
I have something to tell you.
- What?
- Would you do me the honor
of being my
be my
- Ahh!
- [retching]
- Gross.
- [retching]
Oh, no.
One of Randy's pepperonis
must have flown
into my mouth earlier.
- I have dance class
after school,
and my carpool nanny
will be waiting.
- [gasping]
- Je--Jenny.
Je--Jenny.
- Nate, how could you
let her leave?
The inspectors!
- [groaning]
- Hmm?
"The inspectors have cancelled.
They will call you
next week to reschedule."
[laughs]
Well, look at that, Nate.
Guess I worried
for nothing, huh?
E-excuse me a moment.
Ahh!
- [groaning]
- Pre-teen dream girl ♪
- Until we meet again, my love.
[retching]
Ahh, it's running down my leg.
- Being without you
ain't easy baby ♪
Sometimes I wonder
if this is the end ♪
We're lost
in a tidal wave of vomit ♪
Yet all I want now
is to be your boyfriend ♪
Please don't puke ♪
These are the moments
dreams are made of ♪
Don't let go ♪
I know it's a sign
that you're my true love ♪