Billy and Billie (2015) s01e03 Episode Script
Drain You
1 [ Keyboard clacking .]
[ Alarm buzzing .]
[ Buzzing stops .]
Morning, stranger.
Wow.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
[ Clears throat .]
Yeah.
I thought we weren't gonna do that again.
I know.
Me too.
Oops.
But, hey.
Look at us.
Yep, yep.
I think there's a A policy on this subject at work.
Yeah, yeah, you know [Clears throat.]
PR-probably so.
Yeah, at least within the same department.
Sure, sure, although you're not my direct -- you know, I mean, I think that's got to be better, right? Right.
Yeah.
That should be better.
Maybe you're right.
I'll check later when I get to the office.
Yes.
Please do.
Okay.
Keep me posted.
Okay.
Will do.
Are you, uhHungry? No.
No, thanks.
Okay.
You know, a real gentleman would make a lady breakfast or at least go down to the corner to get her something.
Yeah, I can -- I can -- do you want me to -- I can do that.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Let me, um -- hang on one second.
I just -- okay.
Let me, um -- yeah.
Okay.
don't you want to know my order first? I sure do.
[ Chuckles .]
What can I get you? Okay.
Um, an omelette, please, uh, but with egg whites, well done, but not burned.
I won't eat it if it's burned, so just watch them.
No reason you should.
Right.
[ Laughs .]
Um, not burnt.
Okay, and in it, I'd like spinach, mushrooms, and onions and cheese.
But only if they have feta or goat.
Maybe feta.
Um, avocado, but on top, fresh.
Like, I don't want it cooked inside.
It's really gross when it's inside.
No, I know, okay.
Yeah.
Uh, saus-- Turkey sausage.
Okay, okay.
If they have it, but nothing if they don't.
I guess Turkey bacon is fine, also well done.
No potatoes.
Toast is fine, as long as it's wheat, but dry.
Uh, no butter.
Maybe on the side.
Uh, fruit if they have it, unless it's got melon in it, then no thank you.
And, uh, no citrus.
Ugh.
No Oh, and, uhCoffee.
[ Muttering indistinctly .]
Okay.
don't you want to know how I like it? My coffee? I want it big.
Morning.
Morning.
Hey.
Hey.
How you doing? [ Sighs .]
I'm all right.
Can I get this to go? Yes.
Thanks.
You're -- wow, picky.
I know.
Yeah, it's not for -- it's -- i-I'm a little bit picky.
[ Laughs .]
All right.
Um, your friend, the jokester, is here, by the way, if you want to go say hi.
Morning, stranger.
So, what, you're, like, not even taking my calls now? Is that it? No.
Kind of.
Not really.
When? All this morning, like 20 minutes ago.
I didn't hear it.
You didn't hear it, or you probably didn't hear it? I didn't hear it.
Okay, fine.
What's going on? Nothing, I just thought we could meet up, get some breakfast.
Really? All the way over in my neighborhood.
Yeah, well, it's either yours or mine.
That's usually the way it works unless it's a mutually agreed-upon spot, but you'd have to take my calls in order to make that happen, so Okay, I missed your call.
I'm sorry.
Okay, it's no big deal.
I was just in the area.
I fell asleep at this guy's place nearby.
I mean, not like nearby nearby, but it was close enough, and I just thought we could meet up.
I'd surprise you.
Mm-hmm.
Well, you did.
What -- what guy, by the way? Look at you, pretending you care.
You can do whatever you want.
I'm just asking.
It's just a friend, so don't worry.
Mm-hmm.
With a capital "f," as in fuck.
Which is something we don't do.
We went to a concert.
I just crashed at his place.
Who'd you see? Wilco.
Really? Yeah.
Shit.
Yeah.
They were in town, huh, and I didn't know.
Mm-hmm.
We could have gone together if, you know, we were talking and stuff.
Well [Sighs.]
the "stuff" is what got us into this mess, so So, is that it? It's, like, one or the other, all or nothing? I don't know, maybe.
Fuck why? We can't even be, like, friends or something? I mean, I'm not saying that we can't, like, do the other thing maybe at some point.
Whatever, but I mean -- what, we just don't even speak to each other if we're not a couple? Is that where we're at now? [ Sighs .]
Hey, I'm talking to you! I don't know, all right? Can we get together at some point soon and talk about this? I don't know right now.
I have to think about it.
Fine, okay.
Yes, fine.
Fine.
Just -- you're in a shitty mood.
Well, you know, i just feel like this might be a little bit of an ambush or something.
Oh, well, don't flatter yourself, okay? I was close enough to stop by and see if you wanted to eat, but then when you probably didn't take my call, I just decided to eat here anyway with your girlfriend.
Hey.
Hey.
Thanks.
Let's see, i only got $20s.
Just give it to her.
You did the last time.
Can you stop it? That's perfect, actually.
Thank you.
Thanks.
I forgot to ask, but did you by any chance put in a side of butter? Yes, i always do.
Thank you.
How's your engagement coming? It's orgasmic.
Mm.
Thank you.
Thanks, September.
That is not her name.
don't.
September? Just stop.
Bet her number came with it, didn't it? I'm not gonna play this game with you.
Do you remember the 21st day of September? [ vocalizing .]
Could you shut the fuck up, please?! You're so annoying.
Wow, I hit a nerve.
I'm not gonna -- just stop it.
Egg whites, huh? Yeah, guilty.
Huh.
Since when did you grow a vagina? I'm trying to live a little healthier.
Oh, cool.
Yeah.
Trying to flush my system out.
People change, you know? They do.
Yeah.
Sometimes overnight.
Sometimes.
I got to get to work.
Yeah, well, i work, too, so -- do you? What kind of work do you do? You know what I do.
I fucking illustrate shit.
Oh, well, then go fucking illustrate some shit.
Well, go fucking enjoy your egg-white omelette.
Little bitch.
Hey! Hey, Jones.
Yo.
What's going on? [ Sighs .]
Not much.
I mean, I'm bored, but whatever.
Why is that? I just keep switching around, you know, different departments, see how the magazine works.
My dad wants me to take this one over someday, so Mm-hmm.
he has me spend time in different parts of the business.
Even shipping, if you recall that fiasco.
Mm-hmm.
So, anyway I'm not at all sure it's what I want to do for life or anything.
Does that make sense? Sure.
Yeah.
Do I sound like some kind of totally privileged douche bag or something? I mean -- I know, I know, I know.
It's lame.
You know, I get a place like this just handed to me when you'd be a natural at it and probably love it, but in all likelihood -- i wouldn't mind.
You know, you're gonna end up working for me, listening to my bullshit about what stories to cover and what our online presence should be, and who fucking cares? Meanwhile, all I want to do is spend the money it makes -- the magazine, I mean -- until I run it into the ground.
Show that son of a bitch who's really calling the shots.
Anyway [ Sighs .]
Look, when I have to start, uh, firing people or at least buying them out -- doing early retirement deals and stuff -- I'm gonna do everything I can to keep you around until the end.
Deal? It's a deal.
Good.
[ Sighs .]
Glad we had that talk now before, you know, shit comes down.
Yeah.
Me too.
[ Clears throat .]
Okay! [ Sighs .]
Uh, Keith, Keith.
Yeah.
When do you Figure something like this goes into effect? Just so I know, you know -- I'm ready when the time comes.
Yeah.
Maybe like15 years? 20, if I don't start buying nice cars, stuff like that.
Okay.
Fine.
But -- okay.
[ Laughs .]
[ Clicks tongue .]
Oh! So you know, uh, tom and i had a bit of a falling out.
Really? Um, yeah.
So he's -- he's moving out of my place, and, uh, just a warning, but he might hit you up for your couch or something like that.
You guys did, huh? Yeah, yeah.
Um He's a total pig, okay? Fair enough.
And he ate a bunch of crackers, you know, the saltine kind that come in the sleeves.
Yeah, i know the kind.
You know, that you're supposed to have around if and when you get sick.
Sure.
Um, or for emergencies.
But the point is, he goes ahead and eats my stash one evening, which -- p.
S.
-- Had my fucking name on it.
Huh? Yeah, I know, I know.
You do that, yeah.
Right.
You know, and I'm feeling stomach fluish a few nights ago.
I go to have some, and they're just -- they're, like They're Gone.
Yeah, I could see, you know.
That would be -- that would be upsetting.
Your stomach hurts, yeah.
Yeah, on a few levels.
So that was it.
You know what I mean? That's the final straw.
Right.
It sounds like you've been fair.
More than fair, i think, so Yeah.
You don't have to pick a side or anything.
I'm just saying so you know the facts, but Yeah, I know.
You know, but Pick a side, yeah.
[ Both chuckle .]
All right, well, you're the boss, so I think I would side with you.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Me too.
Uh, anyway, just a heads up, so he might come knocking.
Hide my crackers.
Yeah, seriously.
Yeah.
Yes.
No, I will.
I will.
Is Karen here today? [ Footsteps approach .]
What the fuck? Oh, I'm sorry.
My small motor skills must be all out of whack.
Maybe if I had a good breakfast, this wouldn't be the case.
I'm really sorry about that.
I was gonna come to your officelater and explain -- oh, don't bother doing that ever.
Listen, I got stuck at the diner, okay? My -- my stepsister was there, and I -- she was -- and she was what? And she was -- what -- I've had bad dates, and I've had guys blow me off, and I've had assholes who wanted me to leave after they fucked me.
That's not what happened.
But I've never had anyone walk out on me from their own place.
Hey, that's not -- you fucking pussy! That's not -- that is not what happened.
Then what? Explain.
She went -- she went to the Wilco concert last night, all right? I didn't know what they were playing, but, you know, apparently they were, and she went with this guy, and [Clears throat.]
you know, she is an illustrator, and this guy is an author, and they -- they -- they work together a lot, and I guess he was a real -- i mean, a real dick.
I'm talking, like -- [ Sighs .]
I guess apparently, he -- he tried to force himself on her.
Yeah.
What? And, you know, he's married, and I think his wife's pregnant.
I don't know.
What? Yeah, I know, so she's -- you know, she's weeping, and -- and -- and I had to -- I wanted to -- listen, I wanted to call, I did, but I had to stay there.
She's -- honestly, it wasn't even like tears.
It was more just sobbing just, like, uncontrollable.
That's awful.
Just heaves.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
Men.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
You know, i knew you'd understand.
Yeah.
You're a good person, and I just -- I thought it would be best if I explained to you today directly, and so that's -- that's what I was gonna do.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
I'm sorry.
I'm such a -- no, no, it's understand-- i could see how that would -- I'm sorry.
No, you don't have to -- no, no, stay, stay, stay.
Okay, okay.
You know, I can -- Denise, please.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, Billy! Oh.
Uh, what's going on? It's yogurt.
What?! Uh Nothing.
Catch you later.
Thanks.
Goodbye.
Yeah, it's -- i -- honestly, it's -- this should be enough for now, but you know what? Come into my office later, take it off, and then, um, I'll bring it over to the washroom and rinse it off for you.
And you can stay there at least until everything dries.
And I'm not using my laptop, so you can log on from there.
Honestly, I -- no, please, I insist.
Okay? Okay.
[ Sighs .]
Ugh.
I seriously almost pissed myself again.
Eeh.
Oh! It's insane.
don't you think? That they can't build some sort of breakaway feature or something in here for moments like this? Or like a tube or something? I guess.
Is this like a real problem that you want me to feel bad for you about? 'Cause most people would laugh at you, but I'm your friend, so whatever you need.
Hey, I know that I'm famous, but I'm still a person.
You are.
You're a person who pees.
Exactly, and often.
Okay.
But, I mean, don't they have a person or some people to help you with this? Um, as a matter of fact, no.
Contractually, i still have to pee on my own.
Okay, well, I think that is something worth fighting for when the season is up.
Like, you mean, ask for an assistant for that type of thing? Yeah, someone to help you get to the bathroom in time.
Oh.
Like a P.
A.
? Stop.
Fuck you.
That is dumb.
I know.
I know.
That is dumb.
And it's still better than most of the dialogue in this fucking show.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, time bomb.
Right! God, I want to get a movie.
This fantasy network is so fucking shitty.
Oh, come on, it's great.
Explosive new show with a beautiful detective hurled through space and time.
I'm sorry.
A beautiful bisexual detective.
Oh, fuck, right.
How could I forget that part? Of course, you love guys and chicks.
Please, get the important stuff right.
Yes, a beautiful bisexual detective hurled through space and time, only to land briefly for a moment in history destined to change the world or perhaps save humanity and make out with chicks.
And they pay me to wear latex -- lots and lots of latex.
They do.
They pay pretty fucking well to wear latex, actually.
This is true.
So, and you got that sweet haircut -- bangs.
Yeah, and it was like $1,000 or some shit -- insane.
$1,000? Yeah.
Fuck.
I am way too poor for bangs.
You should, though.
I would look really fat.
No.
Have you seen my cheeks? They're right here.
No, you would look cute.
I would look like the chunky sister of that bitch on the Swiss miss instant cocoa box.
No.
[ Dutch accent .]
Yeah, can't you see it? I love chocolate.
Yum.
I love chocolate and bangs.
I love chocolate and bangs.
Both: Chocolate and bangs.
Bonjour.
Oh, hey.
May I enter your boudoir? I think you have, Bradley.
[ Laughs .]
What's up? Aren't we gonna run the next scene together? Oh, right, sorry.
don't we have some giant bomb or something to defuse? don't we always? [ Laughs .]
Oh, hi, hello.
And you are? Sorry, forgive my manners.
This is my best friend, Billie.
Hi.
"Billie" -- is that short for something? Billiam or What? I'm sorry.
Did you hear the best-friend part? She's not my assistant, meaning you're not allowed to chase her around the set, okay? I'm being totally serious about this one.
Damn.
I mean, you can chase me a little if you do it nicely.
Mm, your friends are charmant.
Charming.
Yeah? Uh, miss Peters, we're gonna need you on set in about two minutes.
Okay, I'm coming.
I need to go.
Why don't I like how this situation is looking right now? [ Laughing .]
What? I'll be a complete gentleman.
Really? Should I go with you? No, no, no.
I'll be right back.
They just have to do this reaction shot where they catch me grimacing because I pick up this alien heart during an autopsy.
Hot.
Hey, she's dating someone, so be cool.
Stop.
What, you're not dating anyone? Not really, not lately.
Really? Oh, well.
We don't have to talk about it.
This is a guy that she wouldn't even introduce me to, but still -- anyway I'm watching you.
Bye.
Um, Francis? Francis, could you -- could you come a little closer? Yeah, she's on her way.
Uh, listen, tell them no big deal, but in the future, I'd appreciate it if they shoot out number one first.
Okay.
Yeah.
Do that.
Thank you.
Later.
Sorry.
Tight in this stuff.
[ Zipper unzips .]
You? No, thank you.
Do you want me to run lines with you, or Maybe in a little while.
Right now, I'm just taking you in.
Nice.
You ever think about getting bangs? I have.
Like she has.
Yeah, I have, a-actually.
Seriously, you'd look hot.
Oh, god, yeah.
That is hot.
You're pretty cute, but I'm not gonna fall for your shit, so Okay.
Okay? Yeah.
All right? Really, I have enough problems, so It's up to you Billie.
Your name just tastes good in my mouth.
Do you want me to run lines with you? Seriously.
I took the same class that drew did in high school.
The same, like, theater class.
I am a very generous scene partner.
Ooh, you're a heartbreaker, aren't you? Well Probably end up being the one that got away.
That sounded a little rapey, just so you know.
I meant it in a nice way, like, the love of my life, like that.
Oh.
Oh, well, then that was nice, then.
Thank you.
And you? Who's that for you? Have you met him yet? Or her? No judgment.
I don't know.
I might have.
[ Knock on door .]
Mr.
Thomas, they're asking for you.
Oh.
Universe needs me.
Au revoir.
Ooh.
A tout à l'heure.
Bye.
[ Sighs .]
[ Rustling .]
[ Sighs .]
Hey.
Evening.
Did you start a paper route? You're such a dick.
[ Clears throat .]
I, uh I was just trying to give you this and go, but your doorjamb is really fucking tight.
Tight jambs.
What are you gonna do? Anyway, this is for you.
You can take it if you want to.
What is it? It's just some stuff.
Some stuff that I wanted to say about things that happened lately.
It's that sort of thing.
Are you sure it's mine? Yeah, I checked.
Thank you.
You are gonna read it, right? Yes.
Now? Would you like me to read it now? No, you don't have to read it right now.
I mean, you don't have to do it with me standing here.
You can wait until later.
Now is fine.
Okay.
"Dear bill.
" Fuck, no.
don't do it out loud, please.
I thought it would be fine, sorry.
God, just read it to yourself.
You have a very nice speaking voice.
Before I get to the bottom of this -- it's very long -- um, does it say "I'm sorry" in here somewhere? Yes, asshole, i get to that.
Near the end.
Oh, my god.
You are so slow.
Fuck off.
It's really long.
I mean, for an English major? Get in here.
[ Alarm buzzing .]
[ Buzzing stops .]
Morning, stranger.
Wow.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
[ Clears throat .]
Yeah.
I thought we weren't gonna do that again.
I know.
Me too.
Oops.
But, hey.
Look at us.
Yep, yep.
I think there's a A policy on this subject at work.
Yeah, yeah, you know [Clears throat.]
PR-probably so.
Yeah, at least within the same department.
Sure, sure, although you're not my direct -- you know, I mean, I think that's got to be better, right? Right.
Yeah.
That should be better.
Maybe you're right.
I'll check later when I get to the office.
Yes.
Please do.
Okay.
Keep me posted.
Okay.
Will do.
Are you, uhHungry? No.
No, thanks.
Okay.
You know, a real gentleman would make a lady breakfast or at least go down to the corner to get her something.
Yeah, I can -- I can -- do you want me to -- I can do that.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Let me, um -- hang on one second.
I just -- okay.
Let me, um -- yeah.
Okay.
don't you want to know my order first? I sure do.
[ Chuckles .]
What can I get you? Okay.
Um, an omelette, please, uh, but with egg whites, well done, but not burned.
I won't eat it if it's burned, so just watch them.
No reason you should.
Right.
[ Laughs .]
Um, not burnt.
Okay, and in it, I'd like spinach, mushrooms, and onions and cheese.
But only if they have feta or goat.
Maybe feta.
Um, avocado, but on top, fresh.
Like, I don't want it cooked inside.
It's really gross when it's inside.
No, I know, okay.
Yeah.
Uh, saus-- Turkey sausage.
Okay, okay.
If they have it, but nothing if they don't.
I guess Turkey bacon is fine, also well done.
No potatoes.
Toast is fine, as long as it's wheat, but dry.
Uh, no butter.
Maybe on the side.
Uh, fruit if they have it, unless it's got melon in it, then no thank you.
And, uh, no citrus.
Ugh.
No Oh, and, uhCoffee.
[ Muttering indistinctly .]
Okay.
don't you want to know how I like it? My coffee? I want it big.
Morning.
Morning.
Hey.
Hey.
How you doing? [ Sighs .]
I'm all right.
Can I get this to go? Yes.
Thanks.
You're -- wow, picky.
I know.
Yeah, it's not for -- it's -- i-I'm a little bit picky.
[ Laughs .]
All right.
Um, your friend, the jokester, is here, by the way, if you want to go say hi.
Morning, stranger.
So, what, you're, like, not even taking my calls now? Is that it? No.
Kind of.
Not really.
When? All this morning, like 20 minutes ago.
I didn't hear it.
You didn't hear it, or you probably didn't hear it? I didn't hear it.
Okay, fine.
What's going on? Nothing, I just thought we could meet up, get some breakfast.
Really? All the way over in my neighborhood.
Yeah, well, it's either yours or mine.
That's usually the way it works unless it's a mutually agreed-upon spot, but you'd have to take my calls in order to make that happen, so Okay, I missed your call.
I'm sorry.
Okay, it's no big deal.
I was just in the area.
I fell asleep at this guy's place nearby.
I mean, not like nearby nearby, but it was close enough, and I just thought we could meet up.
I'd surprise you.
Mm-hmm.
Well, you did.
What -- what guy, by the way? Look at you, pretending you care.
You can do whatever you want.
I'm just asking.
It's just a friend, so don't worry.
Mm-hmm.
With a capital "f," as in fuck.
Which is something we don't do.
We went to a concert.
I just crashed at his place.
Who'd you see? Wilco.
Really? Yeah.
Shit.
Yeah.
They were in town, huh, and I didn't know.
Mm-hmm.
We could have gone together if, you know, we were talking and stuff.
Well [Sighs.]
the "stuff" is what got us into this mess, so So, is that it? It's, like, one or the other, all or nothing? I don't know, maybe.
Fuck why? We can't even be, like, friends or something? I mean, I'm not saying that we can't, like, do the other thing maybe at some point.
Whatever, but I mean -- what, we just don't even speak to each other if we're not a couple? Is that where we're at now? [ Sighs .]
Hey, I'm talking to you! I don't know, all right? Can we get together at some point soon and talk about this? I don't know right now.
I have to think about it.
Fine, okay.
Yes, fine.
Fine.
Just -- you're in a shitty mood.
Well, you know, i just feel like this might be a little bit of an ambush or something.
Oh, well, don't flatter yourself, okay? I was close enough to stop by and see if you wanted to eat, but then when you probably didn't take my call, I just decided to eat here anyway with your girlfriend.
Hey.
Hey.
Thanks.
Let's see, i only got $20s.
Just give it to her.
You did the last time.
Can you stop it? That's perfect, actually.
Thank you.
Thanks.
I forgot to ask, but did you by any chance put in a side of butter? Yes, i always do.
Thank you.
How's your engagement coming? It's orgasmic.
Mm.
Thank you.
Thanks, September.
That is not her name.
don't.
September? Just stop.
Bet her number came with it, didn't it? I'm not gonna play this game with you.
Do you remember the 21st day of September? [ vocalizing .]
Could you shut the fuck up, please?! You're so annoying.
Wow, I hit a nerve.
I'm not gonna -- just stop it.
Egg whites, huh? Yeah, guilty.
Huh.
Since when did you grow a vagina? I'm trying to live a little healthier.
Oh, cool.
Yeah.
Trying to flush my system out.
People change, you know? They do.
Yeah.
Sometimes overnight.
Sometimes.
I got to get to work.
Yeah, well, i work, too, so -- do you? What kind of work do you do? You know what I do.
I fucking illustrate shit.
Oh, well, then go fucking illustrate some shit.
Well, go fucking enjoy your egg-white omelette.
Little bitch.
Hey! Hey, Jones.
Yo.
What's going on? [ Sighs .]
Not much.
I mean, I'm bored, but whatever.
Why is that? I just keep switching around, you know, different departments, see how the magazine works.
My dad wants me to take this one over someday, so Mm-hmm.
he has me spend time in different parts of the business.
Even shipping, if you recall that fiasco.
Mm-hmm.
So, anyway I'm not at all sure it's what I want to do for life or anything.
Does that make sense? Sure.
Yeah.
Do I sound like some kind of totally privileged douche bag or something? I mean -- I know, I know, I know.
It's lame.
You know, I get a place like this just handed to me when you'd be a natural at it and probably love it, but in all likelihood -- i wouldn't mind.
You know, you're gonna end up working for me, listening to my bullshit about what stories to cover and what our online presence should be, and who fucking cares? Meanwhile, all I want to do is spend the money it makes -- the magazine, I mean -- until I run it into the ground.
Show that son of a bitch who's really calling the shots.
Anyway [ Sighs .]
Look, when I have to start, uh, firing people or at least buying them out -- doing early retirement deals and stuff -- I'm gonna do everything I can to keep you around until the end.
Deal? It's a deal.
Good.
[ Sighs .]
Glad we had that talk now before, you know, shit comes down.
Yeah.
Me too.
[ Clears throat .]
Okay! [ Sighs .]
Uh, Keith, Keith.
Yeah.
When do you Figure something like this goes into effect? Just so I know, you know -- I'm ready when the time comes.
Yeah.
Maybe like15 years? 20, if I don't start buying nice cars, stuff like that.
Okay.
Fine.
But -- okay.
[ Laughs .]
[ Clicks tongue .]
Oh! So you know, uh, tom and i had a bit of a falling out.
Really? Um, yeah.
So he's -- he's moving out of my place, and, uh, just a warning, but he might hit you up for your couch or something like that.
You guys did, huh? Yeah, yeah.
Um He's a total pig, okay? Fair enough.
And he ate a bunch of crackers, you know, the saltine kind that come in the sleeves.
Yeah, i know the kind.
You know, that you're supposed to have around if and when you get sick.
Sure.
Um, or for emergencies.
But the point is, he goes ahead and eats my stash one evening, which -- p.
S.
-- Had my fucking name on it.
Huh? Yeah, I know, I know.
You do that, yeah.
Right.
You know, and I'm feeling stomach fluish a few nights ago.
I go to have some, and they're just -- they're, like They're Gone.
Yeah, I could see, you know.
That would be -- that would be upsetting.
Your stomach hurts, yeah.
Yeah, on a few levels.
So that was it.
You know what I mean? That's the final straw.
Right.
It sounds like you've been fair.
More than fair, i think, so Yeah.
You don't have to pick a side or anything.
I'm just saying so you know the facts, but Yeah, I know.
You know, but Pick a side, yeah.
[ Both chuckle .]
All right, well, you're the boss, so I think I would side with you.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Me too.
Uh, anyway, just a heads up, so he might come knocking.
Hide my crackers.
Yeah, seriously.
Yeah.
Yes.
No, I will.
I will.
Is Karen here today? [ Footsteps approach .]
What the fuck? Oh, I'm sorry.
My small motor skills must be all out of whack.
Maybe if I had a good breakfast, this wouldn't be the case.
I'm really sorry about that.
I was gonna come to your officelater and explain -- oh, don't bother doing that ever.
Listen, I got stuck at the diner, okay? My -- my stepsister was there, and I -- she was -- and she was what? And she was -- what -- I've had bad dates, and I've had guys blow me off, and I've had assholes who wanted me to leave after they fucked me.
That's not what happened.
But I've never had anyone walk out on me from their own place.
Hey, that's not -- you fucking pussy! That's not -- that is not what happened.
Then what? Explain.
She went -- she went to the Wilco concert last night, all right? I didn't know what they were playing, but, you know, apparently they were, and she went with this guy, and [Clears throat.]
you know, she is an illustrator, and this guy is an author, and they -- they -- they work together a lot, and I guess he was a real -- i mean, a real dick.
I'm talking, like -- [ Sighs .]
I guess apparently, he -- he tried to force himself on her.
Yeah.
What? And, you know, he's married, and I think his wife's pregnant.
I don't know.
What? Yeah, I know, so she's -- you know, she's weeping, and -- and -- and I had to -- I wanted to -- listen, I wanted to call, I did, but I had to stay there.
She's -- honestly, it wasn't even like tears.
It was more just sobbing just, like, uncontrollable.
That's awful.
Just heaves.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
Men.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
You know, i knew you'd understand.
Yeah.
You're a good person, and I just -- I thought it would be best if I explained to you today directly, and so that's -- that's what I was gonna do.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
I'm sorry.
I'm such a -- no, no, it's understand-- i could see how that would -- I'm sorry.
No, you don't have to -- no, no, stay, stay, stay.
Okay, okay.
You know, I can -- Denise, please.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, Billy! Oh.
Uh, what's going on? It's yogurt.
What?! Uh Nothing.
Catch you later.
Thanks.
Goodbye.
Yeah, it's -- i -- honestly, it's -- this should be enough for now, but you know what? Come into my office later, take it off, and then, um, I'll bring it over to the washroom and rinse it off for you.
And you can stay there at least until everything dries.
And I'm not using my laptop, so you can log on from there.
Honestly, I -- no, please, I insist.
Okay? Okay.
[ Sighs .]
Ugh.
I seriously almost pissed myself again.
Eeh.
Oh! It's insane.
don't you think? That they can't build some sort of breakaway feature or something in here for moments like this? Or like a tube or something? I guess.
Is this like a real problem that you want me to feel bad for you about? 'Cause most people would laugh at you, but I'm your friend, so whatever you need.
Hey, I know that I'm famous, but I'm still a person.
You are.
You're a person who pees.
Exactly, and often.
Okay.
But, I mean, don't they have a person or some people to help you with this? Um, as a matter of fact, no.
Contractually, i still have to pee on my own.
Okay, well, I think that is something worth fighting for when the season is up.
Like, you mean, ask for an assistant for that type of thing? Yeah, someone to help you get to the bathroom in time.
Oh.
Like a P.
A.
? Stop.
Fuck you.
That is dumb.
I know.
I know.
That is dumb.
And it's still better than most of the dialogue in this fucking show.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, time bomb.
Right! God, I want to get a movie.
This fantasy network is so fucking shitty.
Oh, come on, it's great.
Explosive new show with a beautiful detective hurled through space and time.
I'm sorry.
A beautiful bisexual detective.
Oh, fuck, right.
How could I forget that part? Of course, you love guys and chicks.
Please, get the important stuff right.
Yes, a beautiful bisexual detective hurled through space and time, only to land briefly for a moment in history destined to change the world or perhaps save humanity and make out with chicks.
And they pay me to wear latex -- lots and lots of latex.
They do.
They pay pretty fucking well to wear latex, actually.
This is true.
So, and you got that sweet haircut -- bangs.
Yeah, and it was like $1,000 or some shit -- insane.
$1,000? Yeah.
Fuck.
I am way too poor for bangs.
You should, though.
I would look really fat.
No.
Have you seen my cheeks? They're right here.
No, you would look cute.
I would look like the chunky sister of that bitch on the Swiss miss instant cocoa box.
No.
[ Dutch accent .]
Yeah, can't you see it? I love chocolate.
Yum.
I love chocolate and bangs.
I love chocolate and bangs.
Both: Chocolate and bangs.
Bonjour.
Oh, hey.
May I enter your boudoir? I think you have, Bradley.
[ Laughs .]
What's up? Aren't we gonna run the next scene together? Oh, right, sorry.
don't we have some giant bomb or something to defuse? don't we always? [ Laughs .]
Oh, hi, hello.
And you are? Sorry, forgive my manners.
This is my best friend, Billie.
Hi.
"Billie" -- is that short for something? Billiam or What? I'm sorry.
Did you hear the best-friend part? She's not my assistant, meaning you're not allowed to chase her around the set, okay? I'm being totally serious about this one.
Damn.
I mean, you can chase me a little if you do it nicely.
Mm, your friends are charmant.
Charming.
Yeah? Uh, miss Peters, we're gonna need you on set in about two minutes.
Okay, I'm coming.
I need to go.
Why don't I like how this situation is looking right now? [ Laughing .]
What? I'll be a complete gentleman.
Really? Should I go with you? No, no, no.
I'll be right back.
They just have to do this reaction shot where they catch me grimacing because I pick up this alien heart during an autopsy.
Hot.
Hey, she's dating someone, so be cool.
Stop.
What, you're not dating anyone? Not really, not lately.
Really? Oh, well.
We don't have to talk about it.
This is a guy that she wouldn't even introduce me to, but still -- anyway I'm watching you.
Bye.
Um, Francis? Francis, could you -- could you come a little closer? Yeah, she's on her way.
Uh, listen, tell them no big deal, but in the future, I'd appreciate it if they shoot out number one first.
Okay.
Yeah.
Do that.
Thank you.
Later.
Sorry.
Tight in this stuff.
[ Zipper unzips .]
You? No, thank you.
Do you want me to run lines with you, or Maybe in a little while.
Right now, I'm just taking you in.
Nice.
You ever think about getting bangs? I have.
Like she has.
Yeah, I have, a-actually.
Seriously, you'd look hot.
Oh, god, yeah.
That is hot.
You're pretty cute, but I'm not gonna fall for your shit, so Okay.
Okay? Yeah.
All right? Really, I have enough problems, so It's up to you Billie.
Your name just tastes good in my mouth.
Do you want me to run lines with you? Seriously.
I took the same class that drew did in high school.
The same, like, theater class.
I am a very generous scene partner.
Ooh, you're a heartbreaker, aren't you? Well Probably end up being the one that got away.
That sounded a little rapey, just so you know.
I meant it in a nice way, like, the love of my life, like that.
Oh.
Oh, well, then that was nice, then.
Thank you.
And you? Who's that for you? Have you met him yet? Or her? No judgment.
I don't know.
I might have.
[ Knock on door .]
Mr.
Thomas, they're asking for you.
Oh.
Universe needs me.
Au revoir.
Ooh.
A tout à l'heure.
Bye.
[ Sighs .]
[ Rustling .]
[ Sighs .]
Hey.
Evening.
Did you start a paper route? You're such a dick.
[ Clears throat .]
I, uh I was just trying to give you this and go, but your doorjamb is really fucking tight.
Tight jambs.
What are you gonna do? Anyway, this is for you.
You can take it if you want to.
What is it? It's just some stuff.
Some stuff that I wanted to say about things that happened lately.
It's that sort of thing.
Are you sure it's mine? Yeah, I checked.
Thank you.
You are gonna read it, right? Yes.
Now? Would you like me to read it now? No, you don't have to read it right now.
I mean, you don't have to do it with me standing here.
You can wait until later.
Now is fine.
Okay.
"Dear bill.
" Fuck, no.
don't do it out loud, please.
I thought it would be fine, sorry.
God, just read it to yourself.
You have a very nice speaking voice.
Before I get to the bottom of this -- it's very long -- um, does it say "I'm sorry" in here somewhere? Yes, asshole, i get to that.
Near the end.
Oh, my god.
You are so slow.
Fuck off.
It's really long.
I mean, for an English major? Get in here.