Bizaardvark (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

1 (all laughing) Oh, hey, Marge, check out this new character I'm working on: "The Bad Hypnotist.
" You're getting very - (snores) - (all laughing) It's funny 'cause the wrong person fell asleep! Oh, here's another one: "The Laid Back Zombie.
" Brains or chicken.
I'm easy.
(all laughing) I hate birds, but I don't even care! Sorry, Marge.
Also, that's my gum.
Hey, my favorite, only clients.
Thanks, Marge.
You're a doll.
Ladies, today is a big day for "Bizaardvark.
" You have your first hater! Paige: "Why does Paige never know what to do with her arms?" What? I know what to do with my arms.
Nope.
Mm No, that's that's weird.
You can't teach that kind of weird.
I love it! Why are you so happy about having someone write mean comments about us? Because if people are hating on you, that means you're cool enough to be hated on.
I mean, why do you think kids at school make fun of me? - 'Cause they think you're pathetic - Awesome! (nervous laughter) I gotta go.
Bye.
Everyone likes me I'm so cool (hums) Don't stress, Paige.
It's just a dumb comment from an anonymous coward.
I'm not stressing.
What makes you think I'm stressing? Before our next video, I might ask you to chop off my arms.
I'd be honored.
(theme music playing) Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
Yeah! Someone's looking for a dance party! - (dance music plays) - Now we're up! Now we're low! Now I'm lost! - Now I'm stopping.
- (music stops) Sorry.
I got a nasty comment, but I think I'm gonna be okay! Lucky for me, I've never had a hater.
She said, unasked.
Angelo reads all my comments, and he would tell me.
Right, Angelo? Smart move not reading everything people write about you, A-Train.
That big blogger's piece the other day was mega harsh.
(chuckles) To which piece are you referring? The one about how you're not a good role model for girls because you only care about beauty and fashion, and girls need role models to inspire them to use their brains.
I'm just paraphrasing, of course.
Oh, that piece.
I'll be in my studio.
Angelo, frantically follow me.
You've got the wrong attitude about those comments, P-Train.
Is that what we do now? We just put "train" after everyone's first initial? I only read my negative comments.
They inspire me to keep improving.
Like this one.
"Yo, DareMeBro, when was the last time you showered?" You know what this comment says to me? You need a shower? I gotta ride a bathtub over Niagara Falls! Yeah, or, I don't know, shower? What up, B-Train? Dude! Those pits are ripe! It's like a vinegar cave up in there.
Anyway.
Ladies, your agent brings more good news.
"Bizaardvark" has another hater! Seriously? What is it now? Are my ears too big? My lips too lippy? I don't care.
I can take it.
Actually, this one's about Frankie.
Oh, thank goodness.
Bring it.
I don't care what some random troll writes online.
They wrote, "Frankie isn't funny.
" Not funny? (scoffs) Whatever.
(scoffs) Just booked my flight to Niagara Falls.
You think this counts as a carry-on? Hey! Hey! Hey, Marge, here's another new character.
Ooh, ooh, let me record it.
I always get your jokes wrong when I retell them to my Pinata Club.
All right.
I call this "The Heckling Ghost.
" You stink! No, uh, I mean, uh Boo! You stink! No, I mean, uh "Boo" is actually the punchline.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got this.
Go on.
- Can I start over? - Of course.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
(Frankie thinks) Okay, forget the ghost.
How about "Hot Chocolate Vampire"? Oh! I vant to drink your chocolate! No, that's terrible.
(Frankie thinks) Don't worry, honey.
Next time.
In Pinata Club, that's what we call a swing and a miss.
Hey! Hey! And that's how you turn your lab coat into a fab coat! Hooray science! (twinkle sound) So, Angelo, what did you think? - (stammers) - Yes, I know.
I look great in that lighting, but dig deeper.
Do I look like a role model for smart girls? - Well - No, silly.
I'm not talking about the time I worked at that bakery as a roll model.
(yodeling music plays) Angelo, please stop taking us off on tangents.
I need to know what you think of my video.
Be brutally honest.
- I - You're right, it's awful! You keep me grounded, Angelo.
This place can get a little weird sometimes.
So got kicked off the plane.
(tablet rings) Hey! I just got a great idea for a song.
It's called Balloon Dog.
It's about a kid who has a balloon animal as a pet, but he can't take him anywhere because he'll pop.
We're going to the Cactus Museum and Oh no! Balloon Dog! You're my only friend! What do you think? Can you believe that comment about me came in at 5:30 in the morning? What's this person's schedule? Wake up, shower, hate me? You're still thinking about that comment? I thought it didn't bother you.
It didn't.
I'm funny.
I mean, fine, we'll talk about this hater I mean later.
(sighs) Frankie open me.
Open me! I have more comments for you! Don't listen to the trolls, Frankie! They said my arms were weird, but there's nothing wrong with them! Well, I had a lot of fun being your sense of humor.
We had a lot of laughs you know, till you got not funny.
- (rimshot plays) - Whoops! That's my time! - (audience applauding) - Goodnight, folks! Come on, Bern-man! - You can break the record! - (grunts) (coughs) What was that, like an hour? Four seconds.
I'm gonna tell the girls at school it was an hour.
That'll turn my luck around.
Guys, I'm worried that mean comment really got to Frankie.
We need to pump her up, so when she gets here, laugh at anything she says.
No problem, I've spent years perfecting my fake laugh.
(awful fake laugh) Dirk, you're gonna have to do the heavy lifting.
Paige: Hey, Frankie.
How's it going? Awful.
I've never felt worse.
- (fake laughs) - Oh, man, Frankie, how do you do it? I don't know how I do anything anymore.
I I think I'm losing my mind.
(both fake laugh) Seriously, Paige? Bad enough the hater thinks I'm not funny, now you're making people give me sympathy laughs? I'm sorry.
I was just trying to help.
Why is this person getting to you? Kids at school say we're not funny all the time.
Yeah, but at school, they say it to my face and I can just give it right back.
This is some anonymous jerk.
It's all I can think about.
Watch what happens when I try to tell a basic knock-knock joke.
(clears throat) Ding-dong Aw, man.
- That's it, I gotta go find this person.
- What? How? They could be anyone in the world.
Well, then I better start looking because until I meet this slime-ball face-to-face, I may never be funny again.
Frankie, wait.
When someone messes with you, they mess with "Bizaardvark.
" - Let's find this troll.
- Thanks, Paige.
Right now I feel like the biggest loser in the world.
(muffled screams) Okay, second biggest.
(muffled screams) (coughs) To help find this hater, I called the best cyber forensics team in the city.
But they were busy solving real crimes.
Ah-ha.
I found something with my microscope.
I don't get it.
What does a microscope have to do with finding a hater online? Oh, it doesn't.
I was just trying to look smart.
Did you buy it? Well, considering this is a kaleidoscope, no.
Dirk, looks like you're making progress.
Oh, this? This is about something else.
You don't need to worry about it.
You don't want to worry about it.
Okay.
- I found him! - You found the hater? No, this video of a squirrel jumping on a trampoline.
Look how high he's bouncing.
Higher - higher - (Hawk screeches) Oh! That hawk came out of nowhere! (phone chimes) Another mean comment? What am I supposed to do? I have an idea.
If they're online right now, we can search the I.
P.
address and determine the computer's exact location.
(computer beeps) Hollander Prep.
Our school! Of course! They're all a bunch of smarty pants who think they're better than us.
I should've known.
I shoulda known! Paige, frantically follow me! I cracked the case! (suspenseful music playing) Bernie we need to talk.
Is it you? Is it you? Is it you? Oh, yes, it's me, Amelia! Amelia? - Yes, from "Perfect Perfection" - We know who you are.
What are you doing here? I'm undercover.
You said your school was full of smart kids, so I figured I could research them to help me be more of a role model.
Okay, but if you want to blend in, you might want to lose that.
Goodbye, gorgeous.
Anyway, we have bigger problems.
We're tracking down Frankie's hater.
You're right.
And as your friend, I'm committed to helping you Ooh, Science Club! Okay, back to the manhunt.
How do we find a hater in a school full of people who don't like us? I have an idea.
Let's use one of our songs to flush out the hater.
Whoever has the most negative reaction is our suspect.
There's a (students groan) Okay, new plan.
(loud typing) (dramatic music plays) Think it's that kid.
Hey! Hey! Hi, I'm Amel Ameel.
That makes sense as a name.
I'm a new student and I was looking to meet other girls who are into science.
Science.
That makes sense as a word.
Hi, Ameel.
I'm Celeste.
I'm the Science Club president.
We're making a potassium iodide fountain.
Hm, yes, the most sciencey of all the fountains.
Hey, since you're new, you can have the honor of mixing the potassium iodide and FD&C Green No.
3.
No, that's okay.
I mix potassium and that other thing all the time.
I insist.
And of course, don't forget the PMR.
Of course.
The PMR.
The pretty - Precise - makeup mixing - ratio.
- Ratio! The PMR.
Obviously.
Be careful.
If the mixture is even a hair off, if forms a pigment that will stain your skin blue for a week.
You know, beach season is coming up.
Do you have anything that would stain my skin bronze for a month? What, they don't have beaches in science? All right, we gotta get this guy to admit he's the hater.
Thinkin' a good cop/bad cop just like on TV.
Love it.
I'll be bad cop.
But you're too nice to be bad cop.
No, I'm not.
What is this all about? I ask the questions around here, Leon! I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell.
I'm a nice person.
- Do you want to see your kids again? - I don't have kids! I'm 12! Well, if you don't tell me what I wanna know, you're not gonna live to see 11! I don't even know what that means! So you want to do this the hard way, huh, Leon? I have ways of getting you to talk.
No! My computer! (gasps) There are 25 more letters.
Not to mention F1 through 12.
Not the function keys! How will I ever easily open the "Help" page of a working program? Guess you'll just have to use the mouse like everybody else.
All right, I'll talk! I feel like maybe I did it a little wrong.
It's okay.
Just make sure not to - (Amelia gasps) - touch your face.
Is it bad? When I became president of Science Club, I took an oath to never lie.
Girls I resign as president of Science Club.
Aah! My face! It's one of my top three features.
Tied with my incredible everything and my modesty.
Don't panic.
I have an idea.
Sit.
What are you doing? Neutralizing the blue tones with an orange base.
It's a trick I learned on "Perfect Perfection with Amelia.
" (gasps) You watch PPWA? Of course.
We're all Ameliacs.
I mean, a girl can be a scientist and have perfectly glossed lips, right? I am a role model.
Ladies, there's something I need to show you.
- (all scream) - Yes, it's me! Amelia! It was the whole time.
Mind-blowing, right? Yes.
But also you just knocked over some very noxious chemicals.
And noxious means Run! I will not leave a perfectly good wig behind! Okay, no use hiding it.
The reason I shut my laptop so fast was because I was watching basketball.
Ah-ha! Wait, what? Oh, please don't tell anyone.
You know how kids at this school look down on non-academic recreational activities! This could get me kicked off - the Varsity Algebra team! - (phone chimes) I'm not buying it.
He's the hater! He keeps posting comments.
How can I? My computer's over there.
And all the keys are right here.
Oh, you're innocent, huh? Then how do you explain this? That's not me.
Have you checked the metadata? Both: Uh What is this, preschool? The profile picture was geo-tagged with a location of where it was taken.
523 Hartwick Street.
Can I go now? I don't know, can you? Yeah, I guess.
Frankie you have that look in your eye.
That look you get when you're thinking of doing something very stupid.
Relax.
There's nothing to be worried about.
I'm just gonna go to this person's house and calmly explain why their comments are hateful.
If that doesn't work, I'll just (mumbles) What was the last part? - Don't worry about it.
- Don't worry about it? You don't (mumbles) something good.
Frankie, no! I cannot let you go to some random kid's house! You're either gonna get hurt, get in trouble, or tie me to a chair.
- Amelia! Oh, thank goodness! - Paige, great news! I'm a role model! So how was your day? Oh, my day? My day was pretty good.
Thanks for untie me.
Hey! Hey! Frankie, wait! I can't let you.
Wow, the school is far from here.
Do you have sports drink or a banana or something? If you came here to stop me, you're wasting your time.
Being funny is the one thing I thought nobody could take away from me, but this hater did.
He has to pay.
I get why you're upset, but think about it.
"Bizaardvark" is gonna keep getting more popular, which means we're gonna get more and more comments.
What are you gonna do, spend the rest of your life knocking on doors like some kind of crazy hater police? Hater police.
What is that, like, cover me.
Suspect has posted three frowny faces followed by a poop emoji.
Request backup.
- (laughs) - And emotional support! Wait, that sounded like a real laugh.
Of course it's a real laugh.
You're funny.
You never weren't funny.
You just lost your confidence.
- So you're saying - (Reflective music plays) the truth was within me the whole time, I just didn't know where to look? It's a new character I'm working on: "The Overly Dramatic Lesson Learner.
" Let's get out of here.
Ladies, heard you were here.
- Bernie knew somehow.
- (Suspenseful music plays) You told me.
We'll see about that.
Let's bring this jerk to justice.
No, Dirk.
You don't have to Can I help you? Whoa, he's big.
I heard you were talking smack about my friends online.
Not cool, bro.
Not cool, bro! You got my back if this goes down, right? What? I don't even Oh, no, not again.
Eva, come here.
Have you been using my laptop to post mean things on the Internet? You know you're not allowed to do that.
Frankie: Wait, you were the one who wrote all those mean things about me? You cute little thing! She probably didn't even know what she was saying.
I did, actually.
I was just using your comment section as a forum to passive aggressively vent out my own inner frustrations even though they have nothing to do with you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go make boom-boom.
She's in the gifted program.
Yo, man, you lifting? Mind if I get my swole on with ya? - All right.
- Me too.
What are you curlin'? Fiddies? Hundos? Pass the iron, brah.
Heh.
You know what? I think Ill just do some power pilates.
What the heck just happened? Hey, guys! There's always gonna be haters out there, but that doesn't mean you should interrogate an innocent kid for an hour.
Long story.
Heh.
(whispers) Sorry, Leon.
The best thing is just not to take what they take too seriously.
'Cause here's what happens if you do.
This is Love for the Haters.
Both: You've gotta love the haters Who criticize your art Do everything they tell you Because they're really smart "Hey Paige, touch up your lips.
" Thank you for the makeup tips "Yo, Frankie, you look weak.
" Check out my brand new physique Both: You've gotta love the haters And all their helpful words They'll make you super gorgeous So you don't look absurd "Boo, Frankie, you can't sing.
" (auto-tuned) I'll auto-tune everything "There's no action, I'm so bored.
" Here's a robot overlord Both: You've gotta love the haters They tell you when you stink They give you all the answers So you don't have to think "Pop is awful, how 'bout some good ol' country tunes?" Both: Now we've got a fiddle player And this guy with spoons "Country music? I say, 'Heck no.
'" How 'bout some awesome techno? (techno music plays) So what do you think? Have we gotten greater? This guys says girls stink.
(music stops) - We're dudes now.
- (Music resumes) Both: You've gotta love the haters Gotta love the haters.
You've gotta love the haters You've gotta love the haters You've gotta love the haters You've gotta love the haters I hated everything but the robot.
"Bizaardvark.
" That was so good! - Good job, guys.
- That was awesome.
I gotta say, making that video was really liberating.
Yeah, it's nice to put stuff out there and not care what people think.
- (phone chimes) - You got your first comment! "Not funny.
" - Let's find this jerk! - Check the metadata! I've got an address! Thanks to science, my new TruBlu Mascara, copyright, won't rub off for a week.
But don't take my word for it.
Amelia's TruBlu is perfectly perfect and smartily smart, just like our role model.
(gasps) Who are you talking about? (whispers) It's me.
Future scientist group hug! Who bedazzled these gorgeous lab coats? (whispers) Also me.
Hey! Hey!